Unsure about relationship

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I have been seeing someone for the past number of months and more recently exclusively. I'm male, we are in our late 20's to early 30's/28/32. White collar jobs, mine well paid, her's not so much till recently.

She is a lovely, laid back, relaxed, quiet, understanding, caring and sound. Enjoys her own company.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about us and where we go and is there a future together. Maybe I overthink & plan. I know she committed to us and my lack of commitment has be questioned. I feel like I’m one foot in & foot out. We have not so much talked about the future and stuff.

Her, being laid back is potentially affecting other areas in life, hygiene, cleanliness, such job - though recently an opportunity arose that doubled her income but less savings due to other reasons. So maybe less of an issue now. She doesn’t express much of an emotion of many things or less vocal, I’d like to see her being vocal about something maybe see another side that I’ve not seen. I often ask what her passion inlife is apart from swimming, reading and walking there is nothing else. I have often noticed a lack of decisiveness, she often does not like to make decisions e.g., what to watch on tv, movies, what to eat. I’d rather not make all decisions all the time.

Another area of concern is attractiveness vs simplicity, I'm on average in terms of dressing, looking after my appearance, beard, skincare which is very important to me, scent etc. I ensure good hygiene. However, she is simple, no makeup, no earnings or accessories etc, skincare is could be better, hair isn’t done just brushed sometimes shampoo. Sometimes, she looks well without these things but sometimes she's looks totally different and I question my attractiveness to her….

The way I was raised up, these things are the basics but very important. thinking about my own kids which I’d like, this is very important to me, so if it’s not important to her, this is an issue. She also has bad teeth, she knows this and self-conscious about it. As someone who had bad teeth, I understand this but this puts me off and vainly is one of my deal breakers. We maybe are jut different when it comes to these things. I’ll be brutally honest and say, attractiveness matters to me.

Potentially, we are different people, I could be on the dancefloor, she quiet corner of the room sipping away pints, I'm cycling, she could be out in the park reading a book. I'd have my beauty routine,skincare etc, she's happy to have shower and that's the end of it.

In the grand scheme of things, some of these stuff aren't major but its who am I and it's who she is.

Long story short, I have doubts about relationship based on attractiveness and personality.

Big Bag of Chips

Please finish with her. You wrote a very long post about her and this:

She is a lovely, laid back, relaxed, quiet, understanding, caring and sound. Enjoys her own company.

is the only nice thing you had to say about her.

I could be described by a lot of what you say. I don't wear makeup generally, wear very little jewellery (recently put earrings back in, that's it!), my hair is usually brushed back in a ponytail. I don't wear perfume every day. I might, occasionally, put a bit of moisturiser on when I think of it. I'm happy in a low wage, part-time job because it allows me to not have to put my children in childcare. I'm laid back. Not bothered about what's on TV or where to eat.

In my situation what I've found is my husband is fussy. I'm not. So even if he asks me what I want to do, where I want to go, even if he tells me he'll leave it up to me to decide when I do suggest something there's usually a reason from him why something else is better. I don't think he's even conscious of it. Although I have pointed it out regularly! So, as a result, I don't mind. I don't mind what we watch, where we go for a walk, what we do. Because it's obviously more important to him than it is to me. So I'm happy to go with the flow.

I don't have "passions". I enjoy knitting!! Occasionally jog or go on a shortlived fitness buzz. I play music, a bit. She has hobbies and interests, why the need to have "passions"?

She could probably look at you thinking - why does always need to be doing something. Why can't he sit in the park? Why does he have to be on the dance floor making a tit of himself? Why not sit and chat over a few pints?

I can see why she doesn't suggest activities. Seems like you look down your nose at anything she likes to do.

You are two very different people. Neither of you necessarily wrong. Just very very different. Break up with her. Things aren't going to get better for you.

eviltwin

I presume she was like this when you met and it was acceptable enough then so why is it an issue now?

What you describe isn't a bad thing, its just how she is and there is nothing wrong with that. If its not for you then that's fine too but you shouldn't stay with her if it bothers you, its probably not going to get any easier for you the longer the relationship goes on. So why drag it out? She is who she is, you are who you are and neither are compatible...it happens.

JeffKenna

I often ask what her passion inlife is apart from swimming, reading and walking there is nothing else.

I had to laugh at this part, not sure what else you're expecting her to be passionate about.

In any case, probably crossing a line here, but that was quite a disgusting post you wrote about her. Seems like a lovely person who could do far better than you.

I think you both have different priorities in your lives.
She sounds lovely to me, but you don't appreciate her, so you should break up.

TheadoreT

Bit of a bizarre post to be honest, feel like you're listing her traits and appearance with a fairly callous lack of emotion. If you're not suited im not sure why you're with her to begin with but don't hang around and drag her down for who she is, which on the face of it sounds perfectly normal. I'm sure there's plenty of women who'd be put off by lads with rigorous skin care routine or dancing the night away on a dance floor but she accepts you for who you are, maybe having an opinion on everything and anything which you seem to want from her isn't all its cracked up to be!?

HalloweenJack

You recognise that you are incompatible, that's a good thing.

However, I get the feeling that you expect her to make all the changes so that she should match your idea of what she could/should be. That's quite unfair.

You may think you are coming across as encouraging but you don't seem to listen to her. You ask her what her passions are then you dismiss them.

At her age, she will likely have come to accept who she is as a person. She doesn't need to be the centre of attention, she is reserved, she is quiet. And there's nothing wrong with that. Personally, someone who is happy in themselves is more attractive than someone who is trying to be someone they are not in order to impress me.

At the end of the day, you are not happy with who she is but I doubt she's going to change at this stage. If you can't accept that, you'd be better off looking elsewhere while also letting her be free to find someone who will accept her for who she is.

LegacyUser

Wow.
If you wrote this about a woman you’re in a relationship with, you are clearly not attracted to her or love her.
Why are you with her?
Do her a favour and stop wasting her time, let her find someone who appreciates and loves her.

It’s not as if any of this is new information. You would of noticed this and known this when you were dating casually and before you committed to her so why is it an issue now? Unless your head has been turned by someone else?
Tbh OP, your post comes across as cruel towards the woman. Maybe you are the problem?
What are you bringing to the table exactly?

I’m a world of “perfection” and Instagram clowns, why am I not surprised by what I just read?
Personally I would prefer a partner to actually be lovely, laid back, caring when raising kids and having a life together then having “perfect teeth”.
And furthermore, what’s wrong with swimming/reading/ walking???
That’s PLENTY of interests… what are your hobbies exactly?

Sounds like your interviewing for a job. Get a grip on yourself.

LegacyUser

And furthermore to my post, you contradict yourself.
If she swims and walks- she’s obviously active.
Why would she be in a park reading when you’re off cycling? It sounds like she would likely do the same with you as an activity together if asked?

What are you talking about exactly??? Makes no sense.

I wonder are you so perfect in her eyes? You don’t listen to her, you come across as selfish, how’s your sex life with her? How does she feel about the relationship? Why does she feel indecisive when picking a movie etc is it because of how you react or speak to her?

Maybe it would be more in your line to question how you come across than trying to find things wrong with her

2 fast

Wow

Please finish with her so she can find someone who appreciates her.

I don't know what you're looking for but your post is quite contradicting and judgemental of the girl.

Don't put her down based on what you perceive as being standard.

She sounds like she is content and comfortable with who she is.

Why should she be anything else.

She has interests just not what you think she should have ...

Username here

unsureguest wrote: »

Potentially, we are different people ...

Nope - potentially NOTHING. You two are very different people, and I genuinely think the only good outcome here, for both of you, is to split up. Given the list of things you're clearly dissatisfied about, and the fact that you've only being seeing each other for a few months, I wouldn't even bother trying to salvage anything here - you guys are too far apart.

End it with her, and do so kindly - do NOT let her know that you have a list of things about her, which for some people are perfectly normal, that are giving you cause for concern.

Incidentally - and this may be an eye opener for you, but you are after all seeking advice / insights here - having referred to your beauty routine, the 2nd time I read through your post, I could imagine the character Patrick Bateman from the film American Psycho narrating it.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

You are only dating for a few months so this is sort of the timing when people start to question longer term compatibility etc. The exploratory phase is over.

It sounds like she doesn’t tick all your boxes. That’s fine, it’s no black mark for her or you it’s just life. You clearly want kids and if a few months in you are certain you don’t want to raise them with her (whether it’s hygiene habits or whatnot) then it’s clearly end of days for your relationship.

At the end of the day attraction is important and if you are questioning it you must not be feeling it - at this early stage you should fancy the pants off her and if you don’t then no amount of being a lovely person will really change that. It’s a shame but it’s life. I’m sure there are plenty of guys looking for somebody exactly like her - so it’s best to set her free to meet somebody she can be mutually happy with.

For you, finding somebody that ticks all your boxes is important but know that that kind of search is tricky - intelligent, driven, passionate, good looking people have high standards themselves.

Big Bag of Chips

Yes, OP, I agree. When you finish with her please do not make it about all her "failings". She isn't wrong. On any level. You are not happy. You are looking for something else. You don't want to be with someone like her. Plenty other men would be delighted to be with her.

So when you finish with her, please keep it simple. Listing out a list of reasons why she's not right for you won't make her take note and change, it will just make you look like a dick.

Edit: you mention her bad teeth and that "vainly, it's a deal breaker" for you. She didn't develop bad teeth over the weekend. So if it's a deal breaker then why did you continue to date her in the early days, and why become exclusive recently? I think you need to look at yourself, and why you have settled in this relationship that you feel is totally at opposites to what you really want. Do you find it difficult to date and keep girls who fit your "ideal"?

bitofabind

I'm a bit curious as to how you've landed yourself in this position of dating someone that you don't seem to be remotely attracted to. How did that come about? Was there attraction there at the start?

She seems lovely, but not your cup of tea. You like women that are more groomed and into their appearance. And that's fine. We all have our preferences. But why pursue things with someone that's the opposite of that, make her feel insecure with this "one foot in, one foot out" business, and yet somehow you're now in a relationship with her?

It doesn't seem very fair to her, does it?

NiceFella

For a taste of your own medicine you sound very superficial to be honest. Why did you bring up the fact she made a low salary up until recently? What was the point in that? Does she not get points for that?

humans are not customisable objects you can change to whatever you feel.

She sounds like a lovely girl so I think you should let her go.

Do not mention any of the disparaging remarks you made. Just say you are incompatible different outlooks etc.

LegacyUser

OP here,
A lot of good replies, some balanced a lot quite harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read it and response. Taking a step back to read it which is given me good for thought.
There are a lot of things I like about her, when we go out, she looks after me, pays for meals, drinks etc. She's very generous and caring. We do have loads of fun things together such as hikes, runs, cycling etc. She is very considerate and emotionally aware. Relationship wise, we are both inexperienced, amongst other things our communication on things could be better.
Re-passion, maybe it's the wrong word but hobbies. I'd like to think I don't look down on her hobbies but I will pay attention to this next time.
I'm not on IG/FB, so not influenced directly but people do have who they would like, short women, tall men with country accent, good skin, slim women, slim men... it could be vain, but it's what it’s. Just looked at what's been posted on this thread and this happens which doesn't make it right.
How did it get here, at the start it was casual. One could say during covid, with lockdown both of us needed it. Now it’s begging to get serious - just like another poster said.
I do rock climbing, mountain biking, not all the time but least twice a month. I watch sports, meet friends here and there. The sex is okay to good, lasting hours, maybe one sided as it’s me doing the satisfaction.
This is not about attractiveness alone, it’s also about responsibility-again maybe wrong way of describing it. I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with her or myself, we are just different and somewhat incompatible to some extent. We are meeting up this weekend to part ways.

sadie1502

Shallow sorry but you seem so shallow. What do you mean by bad teeth? You must have a mouthful of pearly whites. Do her a favour and let her go. She sounds like a dream partner for many men to be fair. Someone who isn't needy and likes her own company.

sadie1502

unsureguest wrote: »

OP here,
A lot of good replies, some balanced a lot quite harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read it and response. Taking a step back to read it which is given me good for thought.
There are a lot of things I like about her, when we go out, she looks after me, pays for meals, drinks etc. She's very generous and caring. We do have loads of fun things together such as hikes, runs, cycling etc. She is very considerate and emotionally aware. Relationship wise, we are both inexperienced, amongst other things our communication on things could be better.
Re-passion, maybe it's the wrong word but hobbies. I'd like to think I don't look down on her hobbies but I will pay attention to this next time.
I'm not on IG/FB, so not influenced directly but people do have who they would like, short women, tall men with country accent, good skin, slim women, slim men... it could be vain, but it's what it’s. Just looked at what's been posted on this thread and this happens which doesn't make it right.
How did it get here, at the start it was casual. One could say during covid, with lockdown both of us needed it. Now it’s begging to get serious - just like another poster said.
I do rock climbing, mountain biking, not all the time but least twice a month. I watch sports, meet friends here and there. The sex is okay to good, lasting hours, maybe one sided as it’s me doing the satisfaction.
This is not about attractiveness alone, it’s also about responsibility-again maybe wrong way of describing it. I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with her or myself, we are just different and somewhat incompatible to some extent. We are meeting up this weekend to part ways.

That's good. Set her free to find someone who will appreciate her for who she is.

tony1kenobi

What do you mean when you say vanity is a deal breaker?

Are you saying she is vain because she is self conscious about her teeth?

Or that she is not vain, but you want her to be vain like you are?

Or is it something completely different?

As far as advice, if you do start swimming together, you should start in the shallow end. You’ll be right at home there.

eviltwin

unsureguest wrote: »

OP here,
A lot of good replies, some balanced a lot quite harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read it and response. Taking a step back to read it which is given me good for thought.
There are a lot of things I like about her, when we go out, she looks after me, pays for meals, drinks etc. She's very generous and caring. We do have loads of fun things together such as hikes, runs, cycling etc. She is very considerate and emotionally aware. Relationship wise, we are both inexperienced, amongst other things our communication on things could be better.
Re-passion, maybe it's the wrong word but hobbies. I'd like to think I don't look down on her hobbies but I will pay attention to this next time.
I'm not on IG/FB, so not influenced directly but people do have who they would like, short women, tall men with country accent, good skin, slim women, slim men... it could be vain, but it's what it’s. Just looked at what's been posted on this thread and this happens which doesn't make it right.
How did it get here, at the start it was casual. One could say during covid, with lockdown both of us needed it. Now it’s begging to get serious - just like another poster said.
I do rock climbing, mountain biking, not all the time but least twice a month. I watch sports, meet friends here and there. The sex is okay to good, lasting hours, maybe one sided as it’s me doing the satisfaction.
This is not about attractiveness alone, it’s also about responsibility-again maybe wrong way of describing it. I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with her or myself, we are just different and somewhat incompatible to some extent. We are meeting up this weekend to part ways.

She sounds lovely OP. Its a shame you are so superficial about the other stuff but I suppose you can't help that. You are doing the right thing by ending it and I hope you are kind with your words when you do as she has done nothing wrong.

NiceFella

unsureguest wrote: »

OP here,
A lot of good replies, some balanced a lot quite harsh. Thanks for taking the time to read it and response. Taking a step back to read it which is given me good for thought.
There are a lot of things I like about her, when we go out, she looks after me, pays for meals, drinks etc. She's very generous and caring. We do have loads of fun things together such as hikes, runs, cycling etc. She is very considerate and emotionally aware. Relationship wise, we are both inexperienced, amongst other things our communication on things could be better.
Re-passion, maybe it's the wrong word but hobbies. I'd like to think I don't look down on her hobbies but I will pay attention to this next time.
I'm not on IG/FB, so not influenced directly but people do have who they would like, short women, tall men with country accent, good skin, slim women, slim men... it could be vain, but it's what it’s. Just looked at what's been posted on this thread and this happens which doesn't make it right.
How did it get here, at the start it was casual. One could say during covid, with lockdown both of us needed it. Now it’s begging to get serious - just like another poster said.
I do rock climbing, mountain biking, not all the time but least twice a month. I watch sports, meet friends here and there. The sex is okay to good, lasting hours, maybe one sided as it’s me doing the satisfaction.
This is not about attractiveness alone, it’s also about responsibility-again maybe wrong way of describing it. I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with her or myself, we are just different and somewhat incompatible to some extent. We are meeting up this weekend to part ways.

Well done on making the right decision.

what happens if you find a girl with pearly whites and lovely unblemished skin, but she ends up being not so generous or emotionally aware etc.

Food for thought

LegacyUser

unsureguest wrote: »

There are a lot of things I like about her, when we go out, she looks after me, pays for meals, drinks etc. She's very generous and caring.

I actually laughed at this statement.
Happy enough to leave her pay for you at the time though? You weren’t questioning the relationship then?

The only thing this girl has done wrong is waste her time with you. She’s better off without you.


You’re too immature for a relationship. I’d love to hear her side of things and POV of you. But she sounds like a lady and probably wouldn’t insult you.

mohawk

Your making right decision to part ways. You can’t force yourself to be into someone when your not. I would say it’s not a black mark against her that your not that into her. She sounds like she would be great for another guy. Don’t list out all the reasons why she is incompatible with you as she hasn’t done anything wrong. Both of you should feel like they can be themselves in a relationship.

There are plenty of women out there that put a huge empathise and time into their looks and appearance so maybe would be more suited to you.

RStoneX

JeffKenna wrote: »

In any case, probably crossing a line here, but that was quite a disgusting post you wrote about her. Seems like a lovely person who could do far better than you.

OP, a lovely person doesn't have bad teeth �� and poor hygiene.

You must be really desperate to get together with her in the first place.

I won't even discuss the global pandemic as most people here seems to find this jumping from bed to bed and meeting multiple people during lockdown acceptable - <Snip>

End this now OP, delete her contact, run to the hills and don't look back.

Big Bag of Chips

RStoneX, welcome to PI/RI.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting again. Personal Issues is a heavily moderated forum. We expect posters to offer advice to the OP. Petty squabbles with other posters are not tolerated.

SunnySundays

OP, you probably aren't aware of it but your post and the way in which you talk about her is actually horrible and it really comes like you have a superiority complex.

It's one thing to have preferences and we are all.attracted to different things you even list the fact she doesn't wear ear rings...it is beyond excessive.

You clearly think you are better than her. In fact, it reads like you think you are perfect. Do her a favour and let her go. She actually seems like a nice person despite all of the flaws you have highlighted. Be nice about it and please don't refer to everything you have found fault with.

Be nice and just say you are very different people and probably not compatible long term.

OP, just remember one thing in your search for The One.

Looks fade.

Big Bag of Chips

It does come across like you see yourself as better than her. You feel your hobbies and interests are better than her's. Your idea of a great night out is better than her's. Everything about you is better than everything about her. It's not a healthy way to look at people. Especially someone you have recently decided to enter into an exclusive relationship with.

Maybe she doesn't offer opinion or debate on things because she senses you would see her opinion as wrong! Same way as you'd see her suggestions for a great day/night out as wrong.

If you recently became exclusive, that implies that you were seeing other people too, up until recently. So why did you choose her over the others? Especially as you say when some things about her are actually a deal breaker for you?

I think before you enter into another relationship, it's worth thinking about this one. How and why you let it get as far as it did when you really felt so much disdain for the woman. There's someone out there for you. I am friends with a couple and I'd say his cosmetic/grooming drawer is double hers Everything you described yourself to be would be my idea of a nightmare, whereas my friend would probably love you!!

I hope you're kind when you finish with her.

Jequ0n

OP, good to see that you decided to make the move and break up.
Personally I can't see how anything in your posts warranted some of the harsh replies you received, so maybe take some of the criticism with a pinch of salt. There is nothing wrong with having standards, but as you realised this is linked to compatibility. Do yourself a favour and question advice given to you, because people will naturally give it based on their own experience, which is often miles away from your own situation.
Best of luck.

HamSarris

It sounds like you are looking for a more attractive and sophisticated girlfriend to project your status to others. You probably feel a bit embarrassed when out with your partner; a young, successful professional like yourself can’t really be seen with a girl with bad teeth and whose main interests are walking and swimming.

My only piece of genuine advice is to be careful what you wish for. The jet setting, gym bunny, UCD type of solicitor girl that impresses your friends will look down on you the same way you look down on your current girlfriend. From your posts you seem quite naïve - detailing how you are better than your girlfriend in every way and expecting a positive response from posters – the more ‘sophisticated’ girlfriend will try to take advantage of this naïvety and drain you financially and emotionally while you try to keep the relationship alive to impress your friends.

Yurt2

HamSarris wrote: »

It sounds like you are looking for a more attractive and sophisticated girlfriend to project your status to others. You probably feel a bit embarrassed when out with your partner; a young, successful professional like yourself can’t really be seen with a girl with bad teeth and whose main interests are walking and swimming.

My only piece of genuine advice is to be careful what you wish for. The jet setting, gym bunny, UCD type of solicitor girl that impresses your friends will look down on you the same way you look down on your current girlfriend. From your posts you seem quite naïve - detailing how you are better than your girlfriend in every way and expecting a positive response from posters – the more ‘sophisticated’ girlfriend will try to take advantage of this naïvety and drain you financially and emotionally while you try to keep the relationship alive to impress your friends.

Ouch.

Do think there's an element of trophy-girlfriend seeking alright. All that glitters is not gold.

TheadoreT

unsureguest wrote: »

I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.

What on earth is this part all about? She pays and looks after you so why wouldn't she be able to look after kids? Given the rather emotionally detached way you're coming across I'd be infinitely more concerned about your suitability in this regard. You say you're inexperienced in relationships and its no surprise to be honest, you probably need to start looking beyond rigorous moisturising routines for what your definition of "care" is

Neyite

Any previous relationships OP? Any similarities with those? For example do you think they are amazing in the first few months then it fades to what you've described in your OP? Or is it just this relationship?

If it's just this one, then it sounds like a natural distancing for a couple who don't have what's needed for a long term thing. If it's something you've had in other relationships then it's a pattern of thought for you that's worth looking into further.

Either way, it sounds like familiarity has bred contempt here so you are better off out of it, I hope you move on with kindness as well. She sounds perfect, just not your version of perfect.

shesty

unsureguest wrote: »

OP here,
I’d not like to be the one that take care of the house and kids..etc if it came to it.. Her being relaxed, just doesn’t make me think she’ll help out more.
.

I only hope OP, that at some point in the future if you ever have a wife and kids, you remember this statement when your wife is asking you to help out more.
I think enough else has been said on the topic here to be honest.

NiceFella

Jequ0n wrote: »

OP, good to see that you decided to make the move and break up.
Personally I can't see how anything in your posts warranted some of the harsh replies you received, so maybe take some of the criticism with a pinch of salt. There is nothing wrong with having standards, but as you realised this is linked to compatibility. Do yourself a favour and question advice given to you, because people will naturally give it based on their own experience, which is often miles away from your own situation.
Best of luck.

I agree with this. But I especially listen to advice when many people seem to say the same thing. We all have blind spots.

Sonic the Shaghog

Tbh especially after your comment about having very little relationship experience, you sound like someone that finally got a gf, given you got one woman, you're a stud and now have notions you can do much better and are finding all the reasons to leave someone nice, not a dig but I've seen it plenty times

Who was it that said, Beauty Fades But Dumb Is Forever?

I think this lady sounds like a very real genuine person, with nothing dumb, fake or superficial about her. If she wasn't taking any showers at all, you might have something to complain about, and there's nothing wrong with Wash-n-Go. Modern dentistry can do wonders these days, too.

But anyway, ultimately, you're right to end the relationship. You do not sound like a good match for her. I wonder why you decided to be exclusive with her in the first place, given her so many flaws.

Someone else will appreciate her better.

Antares35

She sounds really nice and it's odd that in the same post you say that her lack of attention to self grooming is a bad thing, while also saying that you dislike vanity. It sounds like she can't win.

I think your post reads like you already know the answer, and there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to be with someone anymore. Life happens and people grow apart. But staying with someone when you feel that way about them isn't really fair. I'd be devastated if my fiancé felt that way about me, and would at least want to know.

Actually, have you mentioned any of this to her? Is it possible that it's to do with lockdown? I know I'm guilty of just throwing on leggings and tying my hair back for work now, whereas when we were office based it was dresses, heels, makeup etc. Was she like this before?

LegacyUser

Op here. I can't address all the posts but loads of well-balanced replies, some quite harsh which I think my posts either relates to them…nonetheless I'll take both onboard.
She without any shadow of a doubt is absolutely lovely and caring and I do not think I’m better than her in any shape or form.
Regards to being vain - some people in their mind though might not say it out like tall men and short men are a no, some muscular women, nice hair, nice teeth, good personality…some men, slim, small women, dark hair etc etc. Anyone that says not is not being truthful. To a poster saying vanity is a deal breaker - where did I say this? Actually, a number of posters I’ve said this - not sure where I did - it’s not a deal breaker - I just cant unsee a bad teeth
If bad teeth come from poor hygiene due to being easy going, laissez faire attitude & outlook towards life - this spill into other areas such as kids - this is a nono - this is where I'm coming from.
Anyway, we have a walk tomorrow to talk about tings and part ways, no reasons being said just we are going different directions

Fizzlesque

unsureguest wrote: »

To a poster saying vanity is a deal breaker - where did I say this? Actually, a number of posters I’ve said this - not sure where I did

OP, I may be wrong here but I think some posters have misread this part of your initial post: "and vainly is one of my deal breakers".

It looks to me like some posters have replaced your word 'vainly' with the word 'vanity'. Perhaps assuming it was an unintended autocorrect?

If that's the case, then they have misread your words. Instead of you calling your girlfriend vain, you were, in fact, calling yourself vain for bad teeth being a deal breaker.

All that said, I don't consider not liking bad teeth to be vain - I just wanted to help clear up the vainly/vanity misunderstanding.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I think the biggest thing posters are trying to get across to you here is you posted a very long first post about everything you think is wrong with this woman. And the list was long, and varied. From her looks, to her hobbies, interests, how she likes to relax, how she socialises (which you simply made up because no place with a dance floor has been open in over a year and a half!) what she wears, what she doesn't wear, her (lack of) skincare regime, her lack of jewelry, perfume, cosmetics.

The only thing nice you send about her was basically that she's sound!

What people are trying to get across to you is you should never, after months of casual dating, have ended up in an exclusive relationship with her. And asking you to look at yourself and try to figure out why, if you have what you consider to be deal breakers, you ended up after some time in a relationship with someone who you felt was totally wrong for you.

You say you "can't unsee bad teeth". Surely she had them the first time you met her, and the time after that, and the time after that etc. I understand that people can try to give someone a chance and see if the relationship can develop regardless of differences. What you're learning now is that rarely works out. If you have certain standards, certain things you like in or don't like in a partner then being with someone who doesn't mostly have what you like will lead to this situation happening again. The things that you like, that your gf lacks will end up irritating you and ending the relationship. So try to think about that in your next relationship.

By the way, I'm easygoing, laid back and as a mother I think it is a very good trait. I don't over mollycoddle by children. I don't fuss over them. If they fall, or are upset about something I dust them off and tell them they're ok. We find easy solutions to what they feel are big problems. My 14 year old daughter isn't obsessed with her looks, weight. She doesn't wear make up (yet). Is not bothered with the latest (expensive) fashions etc. She's not posting pouting (filtered) selfies on social media. Easy going isn't a bad thing. It mightn't keep your house to showroom standard but there's more important things in life!

bitofabind

I agree with BBOC and to me, all of this equates to dating responsibly. Dating from a position of knowing yourself and your needs, and taking consideration for other peoples’ time and needs too. Going “one foot in, one foot out” with someone who hosts a bunch of what you already know are dealbreakers is not fair on anyone. It’s where you’re wasting someone’s time at best and seriously damaging their sense of self-worth and self trust at worst. Imagine how devastated this woman would be if she knew what you were thinking about her.

I know that dating is a minefield a lot of the time, moreso when you don’t have much experience and feel an urgency to get on the relationship bandwagon. And OP I’m glad to hear you’re going to have a conversation now and do the right thing. But I think it’s also an opportunity to think about how you date and who you want to date moving forward, which means clarifying in your own head what your own needs are, and what peace of mind with someone looks like.

LegacyUser

Met up with her this AM, had a good chata and we parted ways.

Mods feel free to delete/lockthread.