Where to go for help

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I need some information on where I can go to get help with a problem I have in my long term relationship.

Brief outline:
Partner cheated while suffering depression, I forgave with one condition that they don't return to the same workplace where all this started ( Moving to another office is an option )

Partner is due to return to work after some time off to recover from depression but is adamant that they are going back to the same job where the affair partner works. They wont see each other all the time but will have to interact with each other periodically, pretty much as before. I have had the conversation that I didn't deserve to have to worry about what goes on behind closed doors of the office and that it is becoming a deal breaker scenario very quickly. Its now getting to the point where I think they either don't care about me ( Not likely as things have genuinely been very good between us recently, but not impossible ) or that they are calling my bluff to see what happens. The thing is, If they do call my bluff its not going to work in their favor. There is a huge amount at stake but I did nothing to deserve any of the hurt I already felt or any of it that I will go through in the future.

I need some advice on where I can go to maybe try resolve this..

Big Bag of Chips

What's to resolve?

You have decided what your deal breaker is. A deal breaker means something that will end your relationship. You have told your partner if they return to the office it is a deal breaker for you.

So you either stick to that (and that's it resolved) or you let your partner walk all over you and more than likely continue a flirty if not more relationship with this person (and that's it resolved).

If I had a bad breakup - I assume the ending of an affair where you found out can be classed as a bad breakup - then I'd be doing everything in my power to avoid my 'ex'. If that meant moving job then so be it. If they don't want to avoid each other, it's not over.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, can I ask did you post this thread recently?

If so I can merge the two.

eviltwin

You posted about this before didn’t you? There was some good advice in that thread, did you take any of it on board?

I’m not sure where you as a couple go from here. You are not making an unreasonable request, the fact your partner won’t entertain it and refuses to see how it impacts on the relationship tells you where their priorities lie. If they really wanted to salvage things they would be doing everything to move on from the affair - you can’t move on when nothing changes. Moving on, but on her terms, isn’t moving on.

I personally wouldn’t stand for it but I appreciate you have a lot invested in your relationship. But what you do now will set the tone for your relationship going forward so consider how that will affect you. I think counselling would be good for you, alone without your partner, to help you get clarity on things and repair your self esteem.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, can I ask did you post this thread recently?

If so I can merge the two.

Yes, that was me. Couldn't find the post when I briefly went looking, although I see it clear as day now. I dont think joining is needed now as Im looking for advice on professional help as opposed to questioning my reasoning for my request.

In this case, I know I need professional help here and looking for recommendations as to where to turn. I'm worried that my partners depression is clouding things for them and need to show how serious I am about this in a clear and calm manner. Her counsellor doesn't do couples counselling ( and this would be ideal as she already has a repour with them and talking about this will be easier than someone new )and when I mention that I try arrange something she is worried that everyone is going to gang up on her to get my point across.

I'm hoping there is something else we can both agree on and sit down to do together.

Homelander

It is quite painfully clear from your last post that your partner is incredibly selfish and really doesn't give a crap in the overall run of things. I'm not sure why you are desperately looking for reasons to make it a "me" or "us" problem as opposed to the issue being entirely your partner.

Depression is a terrible excuse for cheating and zero excuse for somebody insisting on returning to a workplace where they cheated.

Just rip-off the band aid and end things. You are actually gaslighting yourself at this stage. Anyone who would treat you like this is not worth being in a relationship with.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, your partner messed up, big time. But she wants to carry on as normal, without having to face up to that or acknowledge it. She doesn't want her life to be altered or inconvenienced in anyway. That includes her work life and her "friendship" with her colleague. She wants you to be the one to make all the consessions and let her to carry on with no consequences.

That's not how it works. But it's how selfish, manipulative people operate. She is now trying to make you responsible for the fact that this situation has arisen. She's making the recovery from it your responsibility. You cannot go to a professional to get her to acknowledge this is of her making. She has told you as much. She doesn't want people "ganging up on her" (which means she doesn't want people pointing out she's caused this) She's changed things, and now she can't just continue on doing the same things and expect you to be fine.

A professional won't make her see that. It's not something someone should need a professional to point out. She either gets it, or she doesn't. And she doesn't. A
Likewise, a professional should not try to change you in to accepting this. You know it's bull. You know it can't work (for you). So you are entitled to those feelings.

Depression can be a very selfish illness. Everything can very easily slip into a situation where life is managed around the sufferer. Where other people's feelings are put to the side so as not to upset the sufferer, or make life difficult for them and push them further into depression.

Just remember, while you were making allowances and managing your life, and pushing your feelings aside so as not to trigger or aggravate her depression, she was having a great time in another relationship. And more than likely using her depression to stop you from pushing any issue with her.

Some people are just selfish. And some selfish people also suffer with depression. She's fundamentally a selfish person, out for what benefits her. She also happens to have depression.

You need to separate the two and not allow yourself to be influenced and manipulated by her depression. You have a right to your own feelings, and you have a right to say what you expect from the relationship post affair. She equally has a right to agree to it or not. But you then are entitled to make the decision you need to based on her reaction.

I think if you allow this relationship to continue, with her still working with him, you will spend your life tagging along behind her, keeping her happy, but making yourself miserable in the process.

Housefree

The only thing left for you here is your self respect. Leave her! What more does she have to do? Have an orgy In front of you? Your getting walked on

HildaOgdenx

Biglad81 wrote: »

In this case, I know I need professional help here and looking for recommendations as to where to turn. I'm worried that my partners depression is clouding things for them and need to show how serious I am about this in a clear and calm manner. Her counsellor doesn't do couples counselling ( and this would be ideal as she already has a repour with them and talking about this will be easier than someone new )and when I mention that I try arrange something she is worried that everyone is going to gang up on her to get my point across.

OP, I'm no expert but I think couples counselling would not necessarily be helpful in this situation. If you would be open to trying counselling for yourself, the attached link may be helpful in finding a counsellor/ psychotherapist.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057956018

Big Bag of Chips

Biglad81 wrote: »

Brief outline:
Partner cheated while suffering depression..

Symptoms of Depression

Somebody truly suffering with depression wouldn't have the energy or inclination to have an affair.

A selfish person on the other hand would have no issue with having an affair.

I feel very sad for you, OP, because it is very clear that you do care about her and you want her to acknowledge that. Living with someone with depression involves sacrifices. It's not a "normal" relationship. It's a relationship with an extra element. It sounds to me like you have taken on the role of carer. You accept her for who she is, and you do what you can to help her cope with her depression. You support her and try to keep life simple.

She now expects that rather than appreciates it, and this is why she's having trouble accepting that SHE messed up and SHE needs to make changes to move past this. She's never had to accept responsibility before, because she can hide behind her depression and you are there, ever reliable trying to make life ok.

I feel so very sad for you because you don't see the situation you're in and she doesn't appreciate you and everything you've done. It's why she had an affair. It's why she's reluctant to go to counselling. It's why she's reluctant to look for other employment, or even move offices. It's why she's reluctant to do anything that inconveniences her in any way. Because she knows you'll be there, ever dependable, to just smooth it all over.

And the sad part is, you probably will be. I'm not sure where you think you can go that will be able to resolve this. You are dealing with someone who doesn't think there's a problem. So there's nothing that can be resolved. The only resolution can come from you personally. Either continuing to put up with her, or deciding that there's more to life than always dancing to her tune

YellowLead

OP it can be very tough living with a partner with depression or anxiety. You need to know however - it’s not an excuse for the cheating and not being willing to accept a job location change.
My ex suffered from anxiety/anger issues and was very violent. He refused to go to talk to anybody about it and in doing so chose to be selfish, knowing that I was suffering because of it.

He only went to a doctor a few months after I left - it took me leaving for him to face up to it despite YEARS of me asking him too. It sounds like you have tried everything with your partner but unless she faces up to her issues and acknowledges the hurt she has caused you and meets you half way by rebuilding trust with the job change - nothing will change and the pain will only get worse over time. You can’t make people change if they don’t want to.

screamer

Depression is no excuse for infidelity, so don’t let her off the hook with that cop out excuse.
The problem is you don’t trust her, and regardless of what office she’s in, you said you shouldn’t have to worry about what happens at work, but you will because she’s broken your trust. I can’t offer any advise really, either you trust her blindly or you end it, because living your life wondering whether she’s cheating on you any time she leaves for work, is no way to live.

Flinty997

Seems like they are calling your bluff and want you to be the person who ends the relationship not them. Thus they are refusing to take any responsibility.

I'm not seeing a future in this relationship. Sorry.

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest as hurtful as this may be, you are completely fooling yourself at this stage and inventing every reason to hide the fact she really doesn't give a ****e about you.

Depression didn't cause her to cheat ffs and it sure as hell isn't clouding her judgement that she "doesn't realize" how hurtful it is that she's adamant to return to the same office and not take the transfer.

You just don't want to accept reality I'm afraid of what kind of person she is and how she sees and treats you.

I'd wager as well the real reason she wants back in that office is to mount your man again tbh.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, her counsellor not doing couples counselling is probably a line to keep you away. You say she has a rapport with her and it would make it easier... I'd almost bet my house on it that she hasn't admitted the affair to her counsellor.

Can you honestly trust a word she tells you? She has proven herself to be an accomplished liar and reluctant to do anything that puts her out at all.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way, her counsellor not doing couples counselling is probably a line to keep you away. You say she has a rapport with her and it would make it easier... I'd almost bet my house on it that she hasn't admitted the affair to her counsellor.

Can you honestly trust a word she tells you? She has proven herself to be an accomplished liar and reluctant to do anything that puts her out at all.

I know she definitely has discussed it alright, how much detail I don’t know.

@sonic, thanks that’s just the kinda thought I want to avoid 😟

Big Bag of Chips

What do you want, OP? What's your ideal resolution to this? What do you hope a professional can do for you?

Rubberchikken

Op
A professional can only help someone who wants helping.
You need to find your self respect and walk away to someone and something better.

Don't be a doormat for anyone.

Porklife

Op, I agree with every poster so far and have nothing to add except to say that I understand how hurtful it is when someone you love cheats on you and you want nothing more than for them to make it better.
My ex cheated on me years ago and I was devastated. I ended up taking him back only for him to cheat again...with the same girl! Ouch.
I will always remember what he said to me when i found out the second time. First time he was full of remorse and sorrow but the second time he said - the minute you agreed to take me back knowing id ****ed someone else, was the moment i lost all respect for you.
I learned a valuable lesson that day.

If you stay with her you only have yourself to blame for what she inevitably puts you through.

qwerty13

Biglad81 wrote: »

I know she definitely has discussed it alright, how much detail I don’t know.

@sonic, thanks that’s just the kinda thought I want to avoid 😟

How do you know that she has discussed it? I presume you’re relying on her word for that, and she is not reliable on this matter

Sonic the Shaghog

Biglad81 wrote: »

@sonic, thanks that’s just the kinda thought I want to avoid 😟

Thats fair enough I understand, but frankly you are just living in a fantasy land and wasting everyone's time if you only want replies that help you carry on as such

Big Bag of Chips

Sonic the Shaghog, the OP is wasting nobody's time. He is perfectly entitled to post here and take as long as he needs to pick through this. Ending a longterm relationship is not a decision that is taken lightly, regardless of the circumstances.

If you cannot appreciate that then I respectfully ask that you not post in the thread again.

Sonic the Shaghog

Sorry you're right, I'll make sure to only post what they want to hear next time, some people tend to be happy to be treated like crap just keep things going don't they BBOC

Taeholic

I completely agree with Porklife. Yes it's a very harsh lesson to learn, once the respect is gone you're on a sinking ship. Respect for you and respect for your relationship.

I also agree with other posters that suggest your partner is taking no responsibility for their actions and it looks like they want you to be responsible for ending the relationship. I was in a relationship similar to this, it drains the life out of you and you're manipulated into thinking it's your fault/responsibility.

In my opinion, if your partner was really sorry and committed to making it work they would be the one suggesting couples therapy and looking for solutions.

I think you should find a therapist or counsellor yourself, you need to talk to someone that is neutral and qualified to help you. You can't change your partners behaviour but therapy or counselling should help you see things clearly or from another perspective.

Tork

OP. where things stand at the moment is good as it's going to get. Quite honestly, I can't see anything changing. Your wife has demonstrated through her actions that she isn't invested in trying to save your marriage. Anything you have to say is simply background noise and she isn't listening. It's likely she's going to continue to ignore and dismiss your concerns and do what she pleases. Where does that leave you, apart from being tormented by thoughts about what might be going on behind your back? You've started a few threads on this and I'm not entirely sure what it is you're looking for apart from a magic wand to sort this out. You're stuck and I can see you being in exactly the same place in a few months time.

I'm a big believer in looking at what people do, rather than what they say. Your wife isn't doing anything that points to her wanting to save the marriage. Interestingly, this colleague hasn't applied to move offices either - why do you think that is? Wouldn't you think that if somebody had an affair with a colleague and it ended, the last thing they'd want to do would be to continue working alongside them. I hate to say it but this all stinks to the high heavens. It doesn't suit her to leave you at the moment (or ever) so she's going to continue to string you along.

Zebrag

Hi OP

Just one thing that jumped at me, you say your partner had an affair while in the mist of depression... Was that their reasoning or is this something you've concluded yourself?

As someone who's had depression for as long as I know, maintaining a relationship with myself is difficult enough nevermind my own partner (or even attempting to seek attention elsewhere, not that I have) When suffering with depression, and I'm not saying everyone is the same, but the one element of depression is lack of attention to any forms of relationship and when it gets so bad, the thought processes of a relationship itself is almost next to none so I'm finding it really difficult to understand how your partner was able to physically have an affair while suffering badly as you say.

If you or your partner is mixing depression with seeking attention elsewhere as they are unhappy with the relationship then that's different. Your partner seemed to have found an attraction and attention from someone outside of the relationship and acted on it, that's not someone who's suffering severly and I would be more upset to know that your partner is using depression as an excuse rather than admitting there's a fault in the relationship.

You've stated that you've given your ultimatum and set your ground rules of what will physically break up the relationship. I can see this being tricky in the sense that, your partner still has to work. They still have to earn their wage for various reasons.

Now, that being said there's 2 ways about this...

1) Your partner is deeply remorseful and will change career, or dept, and avoid the other person to resolve the issue that's on going - this will show that your partner is willing to work on the relationship

2) Your partner has to prove to you physically, emotionally, mentally that the communication between themself and other person is simply work related and nothing more or less, it's whether you want to believe them and willing to go along with this

To me, I would have ended the relationship, or take a break (however you want to put it) at the first instance. To me using depression as a form of validation to cheating, is wrong in my eyes. Depression takes away energy from doing the most basic task at the best of times so I'm really finding it hard to understand how your partner physically had an affair, that being said, depression can effect people differently but I would be inclined to thread lightly here. You haven't mentioned about a home, or children, how long you've been together etc so I can't tell you want you should and shouldn't do but I've also noticed this is a second thread to the issue and it seems to me it's niggling at you to find the "correct" answer when no one can tell you what to do. That's up to you.

Love makes us do silly things and often we find ourselves making choices that are questionable. Self worth, whether that's high or low, also makes people question our decions but no one can tell YOU what to do next. If you want to trug on with the relationship and drive yourself demented through the course of the relationship, then so be it.

It seems to me that the trust is gone. Whether your partner wants to fight and save the relationship then by all means fight away and talk to each other but at some point, the advices given will only be given so much before you physically have to tell yourself that getting yourself into the wrong mental state isn't worth it. It's tough when someone you love hurts you and it's tough when someone you love has looked elsewhere for attention and physically acted on it. It's heartbreaking but it's not something you should have to live with either. If you want to learn to trust your partner again, they will have to prove all they can to show that this affair was a once off and they are willing to work on the relationship. If your partner is simply refusing to do anything and is taking this as a "sure it was only once and it won't happen again", I don't like to say this, but sometimes your self worth has to allow you to walk away.

Talk to your partner. Tell them how you feel and what they have done to you. Try and find a common ground to work on. It's not easy and I can't say if your partner is going to feel the same or acts considerate towards their action but the least you can do for yourself is too talk.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the reply’s, I am reading them and will respond as soon as I have a few mins at my laptop, trying to type out a long response is tough going on a phone.

Jequ0n

Ok so you are still in the same position you were in months (?) ago and are stuck because she does not take your opinion on board at all?
Love the depression card btw.

Sorry OP, you are trapped because you are clinging on to the hope that things will turn around even though you know yourself that you will be disappointed.

You will lose your “ideal” family anyway so the sooner you stop excusing her behaviour and look out for yourself the better.

She has zero incentive to change anything but it sounds like she knows how to play you like a fiddle. I would not be surprised if you hear that her “depression” is allegedly caused by you.

Anyway, up to you

NiceFella

My heart is with you OP.

I know it's a very difficult time and the way some of the advice here is put sometimes it's like it is only a matter of pressing a few buttons and you are out...(I'm sure people don't mean it like that because it is great advice)

This person does not love you by the sounds of it and finds convenience in the relationship whatever that may be for them. They don't deserve your love. The silver lining here is that one of the better decisions you can make is not far away. I'm afraid you will be very unhappy if you stay with this woman.

The chan chan man

Years ago my ex of 7 otherwise blissful years did the same thing. I walked in on her with a guy from work. Tears/promises etc etc etc “it’ll never happen again” and then i caught her texting him while we went away on a break to try repair our relationship. I learned a valuable lesson though.. you can’t trust anyone after they cheat. It’s horrible but the reality is it’s over.

bitofabind

OP you're stuck and you're going to stay stuck until you look the reality of this in the face. You're stuck because you lost trust in your wife when she betrayed you, are trying to set a firm boundary, and she's looking at that boundary and going "meh. I'll suit myself". No amount of counselling or threads here will change your feelings or her behaviour. The only thing that unsticks you is following your gut through with decisive action.

You don't get to suit yourself when you're the cheating partner looking for a second chance. So I'm not surprised your gut is roaring at you. On your side, you can't call this a deal-breaker and then let it happen and there are no consequences. Any thread of respect she has for you now dissolves if that happens, and then the relationship is dead in the water anyway.

Depression or no depression, your wife is not going to change. She won't walk away and she won't change her workplace either. It's down to you now to figure out what happens when she continues to ignore your needs and disrespect you, what does dealbreaker actually mean to you? How do you walk away from this relationship, given the position you are in? How do you start that process?

LegacyUser

The chan chan man wrote: »

Years ago my ex of 7 otherwise blissful years did the same thing. I walked in on her with a guy from work. Tears/promises etc etc etc “it’ll never happen again” and then i caught her texting him while we went away on a break to try repair our relationship. I learned a valuable lesson though.. you can’t trust anyone after they cheat. It’s horrible but the reality is it’s over.

Almost identical situation to what I experienced and came to the exact same conclusion, cheating is an irredeemable offence when it comes to trust, ‘reasons’ don’t change that. Especially when they use the ‘mental health’ angle as an attempt to take some of the sting out of the consequences, deplorable humans don’t change.
OP deserves a lot better than his current partner no doubt about it.

Neyite

There are two people in a relationship. When it breaks down, both people need to put the effort in to repair it. One person can't do it alone - particularly when that person trying to fix it is getting zero effort from the person who wrecked it in the first place.

So you can't fix this alone. And she doesn't want to. You called that condition a deal breaker, but it's not, is it? She's refused to do that one thing that would prove that she really wants to fix your relationship for you.
I think her depression is a convenient excuse for her to wave away her behaviour and not take responsibility for her actions.

Couples counselling will not help this - counselling works when people engage with it, and want to put the work in to fix their life. She doesn't. You can't fix this alone.