How do you deal with this?

Neyite

I think most of your issues is down to a bad habit in communication. You are on the defensive, she's on the offensive/critical. Both of you are used to communicating so even when something isn't accusatory from her, you are probably on the defensive as a learned response - equally she starts out accusatory because she is expecting you to be defensive or angry in response so kind of coming out of her corner fighting.

There's a saying I came across some years ago and it stuck with me, and has helped me a lot: Don't demand as a right what you can ask as a favour. So, instead of "you didn't empty the bin" or "you never empty the bin" it's "could you empty the bin please, I can't lift it?" or "could you hold the bin while I lift the bag out?" Sometimes manners towards our partners can slip. We would never talk to a colleague that way, so it's funny the way we tend to behave better towards someone we've no feelings for yet the person we are supposed to love and cherish gets the brunt of our bad form.
Another thing is that I won't accept my OH doing chores 'for me' Early on, he said something like that - that he put a load of washing on for me and I ripped the piss out of him for it until he admitted he deserved it. Doing housework is not 'for me' because I'm the missus, it's for us, in our house.

It's possible that with a few sessions with a counsellor that you can both reset the way you speak to each other, and once you are able to do that, you should be able to speak to each other without expecting a row. If nothing else, the way you are as a couple, the way you speak to each other is the way you teach your children how relationships work. Right now you are teaching them a way that will cause them hurt and heartache in their future relationships - so maybe you could approach it from that point of view with her initially? I'm sure that these clashes are making both of you miserable and stressed and neither of you enjoy it, plus if it's going to affect your kids isn't it a good idea for you both to at least look into ways to change it for you all?

Keyzer

screamer wrote: »

Stop doing anything on a Saturday. Let her get up early and do it herself. I know of a few guys who have thundering bitches of partners and nothing they do is enough. TBH my husband works all hours and is rarely home before 8.30 at night, and I’m so grateful for any help he gives me which is way less than what you do.

You're a keeper...

mojesius

Just practical advice here, but maybe get a cleaner in once a week to do the heavy jobs. Use the time back as either your own time or quality/family time.

JustAThought

mojesius wrote: »

Just practical advice here, but maybe get a cleaner in once a week to do the heavy jobs. Use the time back as either your own time or quality/family time.

Agree totally with this - pressure off both sides and twenty euro for two hours spent in outsourcing a bit of graft.

OP - you said you were the main breadwinner but you also said your wife minds other peoples children. So she brings money in too.

- is it worth the stress on her if it puts her into this much of a mood
- how much does she bring in - maybe she is or considers herslef a 50:50 partner in the earning and sees you mopping a floor and messing about in the garden after the dog and it boils her stress levels up.
- wife possibly has calculated the savings on paying out for ‘professional ‘ childminding she contributes as well as the childminding (tax free money?) she brings in. Have you put a figure on this? How does it compare to
your take home pay?

In work we used have a list of housekeeping jobs that needed to be done daily and weekly for the office eg empty bins, clean interior windows, hoover carpets, empty toilet bins, mop toilet floors, clean mirrors, wash public surfaces areas, litter pick in public carpark, sweep outside streetfront and foyer areas, mop canteen kitchen floor, do canteen dishes etc. Each person was supposed to initial the jobs they got done when the place wasn’t busy. Same people did the easy jobs all the time. It wasn’t pretty for them when someone went back and made a spreadsheet graph out of it as part of a bonus complaint.

- Have you a list of weekly household tasks and how do you discuss and allocate those jobs/ roles - seems like this could be an issue and exhaustion.

If your wife keeps threatening to walkout over chores IMO its time to cherrypick a few she hates most and outsource them. Money spent can be deducted from online shopping fund or similar ad hoc budget/spending.

spaceHopper

The chan chan man wrote: »

she minds kids during the week while I’m also busy being the main bread winner. Her job is poxy, I wouldn’t like to mind kids. My own ar me enough!

That is very disrespectful to your wife, calling her job poxy and you are the main bread winner, you're effectively calling her a loser

YellowLead

spaceHopper wrote: »

That is very disrespectful to your wife, calling her job poxy and you are the main bread winner, you're effectively calling her a loser

To be fair I’d say he meant that it is a really hard job and just articulated in a funny way.
Plus if he is earning more then he is the main bread winner, doesn’t mean that he thinks her contribution is any less important.

TheBoyConor

I'd say you need to step back and look at it all op.
What you are describing is a situation that a great many women find themselves in almost exactly a lot of the time. Work a full weeks work, and then having to do the majority of the house work, coming and child related work. And they just get on with it.
But now because it is a man left in this situation, somehow it's less acceptable?

I'm not saying anything one way or the other, but I'm just pointing out that men are very quick to complain about such a situation whereas if their wife or a woman was in the situation the man wouldn't think twice about it and they'd think her giving out about it was just nagging .

tscul32

Maybe it's the individual things rather than how much you do that's an issue for her. Does she have to wash the floors Monday- Friday when she's childminding? If so and she doesn't enjoy it then maybe that's the job that she really wants done. One time we were due to have people over and the house was a bit of a state. I had to go out for something and asked my husband to do something with the place. I came home to a freshly painted box room. Now we both handled it maturely - I gently explained that while, yes, it was on the todo list, we now still had all the other stuff to do. He had looked at all the options and done the thing that appealed most to him, but it wasn't what was needed the most. But sometimes it can be tough on both parties. I hate emptying the dishwasher- just a pet hate, no real reason. Back when I wasn't working outside the home I'd do it Monday to Friday, he'd do it at the weekend. But sometimes he'd be doing other jobs around the house at the weekend and so I'd end up emptying it then too. Would be petty not to, I hadn't anything else on. But then I'd have to do it Mon- Fri again. The next weekend I'd be like I've emptied this damn thing every day for the last 12 days and if I do it this weekend again I'll be up to 19 days in a row. I know it's silly and petty for a 5 min job but still. But we work well together so I'll go get the screws or paint he needs and he'll do the dishwasher.
It's all just give and take. Make a list of the jobs to be done and agree a priority order. When she gets up she can tackle what's left on the list. Or she can leave the rest until Sunday if she wants a proper day off. But her nitpicking and you getting all defensive is not working. You need to sort out something that you both agree to.
One other thing is being at home all week can be tough. I used to envy my husband's change of scenery when the weekend came, whereas I was still looking at the same 4 walls all day, every day.

newman10

The chan chan man wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it.

To try to answer some questions - she minds kids during the week while I’m also busy being the main bread winner. Her job is poxy, I wouldn’t like to mind kids. My own ar me enough! So i get that, its stressful. As such, i take the kids off her hands as much as I can. But I’m bollocksed tired as well most of the time from work.

The chores - cooking and cleaning are about 50/50. She does more in the mornings because she minds the (other peoples) kids. Part of the job in my view, but I’d be fckuing slaughtered if i said that!

I don’t take lie ins. When I’m up, I’m up. And I do that most weekends, sat and sun while she lies in bed. The lie ins don’t bother me one bit. She deserves them. But i fukcing hate when ive worked my hole off and she gets up at noon telling me ive missed a spot!

She’s constantly threatening to leave after every tiny row - so there’s MAJOR resentment there on her part. I’d love to know what I’ve done wrong.. When I ask i just get told its from years of being defensive! But, (and here i go being defensive...) i get defensive when someone attacks me like that. She’s angry a lot of the time. I’m a great dad, and I thought I was a good husband. But I can’t take a lifetime of this ****. Neither can she apparently.

Seems as if your wife uses Passive Agressive behaviour, you BOTH need to sort it now, maybe professional help, otherwise it may blister