Am I being unreasonable?

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, OP there's a thread here about a man who found out his new wife was cheating on him with a work colleague. She didn't want to leave her job. One weekend she wanted to go away to a hotel 'alone' to clear her head. (She didn't go to the hotel alone).

I think your wife is not fully finished with this colleague. There may be nothing happening now but when they return I can imagine there will be sneak off lunches to discuss the mess they've caused. They were obviously friends first who crossed a line. There are feelings there. Still. I really would question her motives for being adamant that she can return to work with him and it'll be fine.

She might well just become more clever.

It's only a job. She can find another one. I honestly think, for the sake of your marriage, and your own sanity, she can't afford to not look for another job.

osarusan

Her not understanding/admitting the significance of getting away from the person she cheated with says a lot about her and how much she wants to repair the damage to the relationship.

HildaOgdenx

Not much to add to what has been said already. OP, you are not being unreasonable. It almost sounds as if she wants to keep her options open by returning to work with him.

And wants you to do what's called 'the pick me dance' on another forum I'm on.
Has she any interest in saving your relationship, I wonder. It doesn't really sound like it, tbh.

Tork

I'm not sure she is interested in saving this relationship either. Being cynical, she's doing just about enough to keep a roof over her head so she doesn't have to find somewhere else to stay or go through a costly divorce. It takes two people to save a marriage and the impression I get is that only one person here is on board. If she's of a mind to cheat, it's going to happen anyway. Still, she should be taking steps to at least give the impression that she wants to save this. She's not even making the effort to regain your trust. OP, I hope you can save your marriage but I foresee this eating you up in the coming months and years. Is it really worth it?

MissShihTzu

Well. Something similar happened to me a few years ago. What I'll say is this: Once they cheat and are caught? They'll always cheat. The cheater will just be smarter about it and be more sneaky. It's never a one-shot deal.

The trust has gone. You can insist your partner never works in the same building as the person they had the affair with, but to me that's not going to fly. I would insist they find a new job somewhere else. How achievable that will be, I don't know.

For me? It's great trying to save the relationship for the children, but NOT at all costs. You'll be forever suspicious and unhappy, and the kids will pick up on this too. Either you roll with the status quo (Presuming partner will not get another position so quickly and partner working in the same office), or you GTFO.

It's that simple.

bucketybuck

Does your partner know that you were once cheating with a married man/woman?

If he/she knows your history perhaps that influences just how much he/she is prepared to do in this situation.

The gender thing is ridiculous by the way.

DonnaDarko09

Your partner should have offered to move location to avoid any awkwardness and avoid putting you in this position whereby you have to request them to move. It’s the least they should have done to help you both heal.

My ex had an emotional affair with his ex (mother of his kids). When I found the sexting messages I was devastated but tried to put it behind us and move on. He had to deal with this woman on a daily basis as he coparents. I cannot tell you how much this destroyed me, the paranoia, anger, sadness, jealousy..it took me a while to realise I would never trust him again and finally walked but not before I did my own fair share of hurting in the process. I only wish I’d left when I initially found out.

I would be very mindful of how you will react if your partner does return.

Neyite

It just feels like there's a vibe where they are waiting for the dust to settle and then resume where they abruptly left off.
Meanwhile you'll be working on the 'issues' that supposedly caused her to stray. And she has the safety net of being in one relationship until the next one shows enough certainty that if she leaves you, it won't fall through for her.

Actions speak louder than words. So she might tell you she's sorry. But sorry includes ensuring you know that she's remorseful with her actions. The top of the list should be cutting all contact with the affair partner. If that means a different office so be it. The very least she should do. If she doesn't want to do this then to be honest I think it's telling you all you really need to know.

Please, for yourself, make a discreet appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand because I worry that you aren't actually married and you really need to figure out what a split might look like for you - just in case.

spaceHopper

Mesosally wrote: »

Knowing that I still loved my partner and the fact that we have a family together I decided that I was going to try identify the issues, fix them and save the relationship if I could. In my eyes there was too much at stake to not give it all that I had to save what we had. The cheating partner sorry for their actions wanted this also so we decided to give things a go, which up until now have been going quiet well and the future has started to look good again.

So much of this is in the first person "I" and "my" and not so much "we" or "us". They has a few months affair, how was it stopped, were they caught or did she stop it.

To me it sounds like you are making all the effort where she should be doing most of the hard work.

You need to work on yourself and less on the "us" you need to be less codependent and ready for if this doesn't work or she does it again. Because if you don't she will see you are an easy mark.

If you aren't happy with her working in the same office as the AP then tell her you aren't and you want her to change office/job. Leave no room for doubt.

She ****ed up and is trying to save face by pretending nothing happened. Does she expect you to go to the work Christmas party with them?

LegacyUser

TBH I think you're reading too much into this especially since you were, once "the other person" yourself. (People in glass houses etc...) Don't worry yourself about it and things will sort themselves out.

Good luck.

Pawwed Rig

Forum21 wrote: »

TBH I think you're reading too much into this especially since you were, once "the other person" yourself. (People in glass houses etc...) Don't worry yourself about it and things will sort themselves out.

Good luck.

Who is more culpable? A single person that has an affair with a married person or a married person that goes for a single person? I would argue the latter as the single person has never made a promise in a relationship. Not to say their isn't any moral issue there but it is a fraction of the other imo.

eviltwin

How did you find out about the affair OP and was it still active when you did?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It would be one thing if there was no other option but to work there but that is not the case. I know moving job is not easy but if your partner is genuine about wanting to move on from this and start over its a no brainer. The fact she doesn't want to makes me wonder if she wants to stay close to the person she cheated with in hopes of rekindling something.

Yellow pack crisps

Why are you being so reasonable? Make it a condition of the road to forgiveness and another step on the ladder of trust. Once a cheater always a cheater gets bandied about a lot but it’s not always true. Some people cheat and regret it and want to save their marriage/Relationship etc and put huge amount of personal sacrifices to do so. 9/10 the person who cheats are the ones not to sacrifice if the shoe was on the other foot also, you hit on it when you said previous talks have resulted in her saying you’d be gone if you cheated. She had caused you a wound that she is unwilling to help cure and is in fact poking it to let you know how painful age can be. She knows the anxiety and intrusive thoughts she would cause you by going back to the same office where she had an affair, with the same person she had an affair with, the office where it began. When she said she Wants to work on the marriage what she really meant was she wants to work on you, she wants to make you live with her set of rules, her wants, her choices. Why won’t she move anyway? Does she love her job/colleagues more than you? Her marriage? You don’t trust her yet, that’s 100 % normal at this stage. It’s not a magic button you press, it’s a hill you climb, togeather. But if one is trying to push you down the hill and not dragging you up with them then you really have your answer.

LegacyUser

Ok to answer a few questions:

Do I think she is genuinely sorry? Yes I do, she is suffering a lot over this and around all the other ways I think she is trying hard.

How did you find out about the affair OP and was it still active when you did? I found out by finding unknown locations appearing on google maps on my work phone that happened to be in my car for a few of the trips and challenged her on it.. Took a while to get to the truth but it came in the end. Yes it was active at the time.

Am I worried about it happening again? She swears it wont but I don't think she's over this fella just yet despite what she tells me, even though he has a new woman on the scene she has stood up for him on numerous occasions and never has a single bad thing to say about him... Not exactly assuring for someone who almost cost her everything. So yes I do think that maybe not today or tomorrow but some point in the future it could happen again. I know moving jobs wont solve this but it might remove temptation if they dont see each other again.

Why are you being so reasonable? Despite all of this, I still love her and want to keep what we have had for the last few years.

Why won’t she move anyway? There are concerns about distance to new location etc and around cases where she would need to come home for sick child etc.

Does she love her job/colleagues more than you? Sadly, I think she might

My problem at the moment stems around the fact that I feel backed into a corner and I need to choose living with her going back to work there and deal with whatever comes of it in terms of stress and anxiety or loosing my family by walking away and shifting the blame of a break up on me as the one who walked away. Anytime I try to talk about it, she ends up in floods of tears to the point where I have to back down and stop. I'm finding it tough to think that she doesnt see an issue with me worrying etc about her going back to work.

YellowLead

From the outside it doesn’t look like she was sorry she had the affair. She is just sorry she was caught.

The fact she defends him and won’t hear a bad word said about him compounded by the fact she won’t avail of a transfer is just all too much of a red flag in my opinion, especially since you yourself admit it could happen again.

If you want to be an unloved, disrespected doormat (so sorry for the harsh words because you sound like a nice person) then off you go and let her away with it.

I wouldn’t worry about ‘shifting the blame’ your friends and family would understand why you broke up once they learn of her affair and refusal to distance herself from that guy.

I do understand however it’s really hard for men when it comes to splits involving children, because if the female isn’t on board it can be tough to get the access you want and you often end up paying more than your fair share. But you should at least see a solicitor and get an idea of what could be worked out, and do your research.

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you talking of walking away?
Why not get her to leave? I mentioned my friend who cheated on her husband, he kicked her out. Are there no other businesses in your area that she could work for? She is emotionally manipulating you. The tears when you start to talk about exposing everything by ending the marriage. If you had not found out, it would still be going on. It is that simple.

And if she goes back to that job it will happen again. She's not over him. She has unfinished business. You interrupted their fun. Him having a new woman is irrelevant. She had you, and 2 kids and still managed it.

She is not remorseful. She's telling you "it'll be grand",, and cleverly enough lining it up to be all your fault if it's not grand! That's not how it works. She can't go back into the same situation, expect you to be absolutely fine with it, and then blame you if you're not happy.

You are being played. Big time.

Get yourself to a solicitor just for advice.

eviltwin

I think you have answered your own questions OP with your last post.

Its one thing for someone to end an affair, have genuine remorse over it and a desire to move on but she was in the midst of it when you found out and it appears had you not things still would have continued as they were so where exactly is the effort on her part to mend your relationship. Can you even be sure it is over? Plenty of opportunities to sneak off with her fancy man when they are working together all day every day.

It does not appear that you are both on the same page here and while I understand you want to make a go of it her actions say otherwise. She should be moving mountains to prove she wants to make a go of things but she has made it clear where, and who, her priorities lie with.

I think you need some space to work through your feelings on this because its so recent and you are probably still reeling from it and therefore not thinking clearly. A bit of individual therapy might be worth looking at as well as legal advice.

Remember you are the wronged party here, you don't have to make any decisions to make it easier for her, she at the very least needs to give you time to get your head sorted so you can decide where you want to go from here.

spaceHopper

Have you a plan for what would happen if you break up either how to live in the same house until one of you can move out. Or your own rainy day fund. Also have you gotten legal advice so you know where you stand.

I think the floods of tears is her way of stopping the conversation so it never gets addressed.

You could try a counciling session to talk about it.

You also have your kids to think of dragging this on and on won't be good for them.

She has to accept responsibility for her actions she needs to realise this is her fault. If it can't be fixed it's not your fault for walking away.

Pawwed Rig

I agree you need to get legal advice on this. No reason for you to give up your family but the solicitor would be better placed to advise as the family courts are not overly Dad friendly.

Have you considered couples counselling?

LegacyUser

Dtp1979 wrote: »

What an odd response

Sorry, that was not me “the original poster”. They joys of anonymous commenting.

Neyite

Mesosally wrote: »

Sorry, that was not me “the original poster”. They joys of anonymous commenting.

Apologies OP, I've deleted the derailer now.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Apologies OP, I've deleted the derailer now.

Thanks for that. Will reply to other responses later when I get a chance to read them properly.

leggo

Ah OP I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth, I understand why you kept it gender neutral. It wouldn’t make a difference to a lot of the regulars but it can be enough of an issue to derail a chat entirely, that happens a LOT despite solid work being done to prevent it. And the truth is that it doesn’t actually change the dynamic so doesn’t matter, you’re just denying people their biases and asking them to examine the situation armed with the facts alone, which is smart. The amount of times you’ll get a thread where people assume genders or sexualities, then it comes out opposite to expectations later and all the advice that’s come beforehand is moot because it was based on people’s biases.

I remember when I found out an ex had cheated with a work colleague. When we were having it out, I told her that I wasn’t necessarily asking her to but would she be willing to stop socialising in situations this person was potentially there (so potentially all work scenarios) and she said no. That’s when I knew it was over.

If you’re a priority, they’ll make you a priority no matter the cost, and I think the situation is forcing you to come to terms with that painful reality. Your partner is sorry to a point...that point is her workplace, which is actually more important to her than you (and that’s best case scenario assuming she actually intends to be fully done with this guy).

The truth is though, and you may be surprised to hear this given what I’ve said, you are being unreasonable. The reason I say that is because a healed relationship is one where the trust has returned based on the partner who’s wronged the other earning it. And in a trusting relationship, there’s no need to sacrifice where you work or what you do to accommodate the other person’s fears and insecurities.

Asking the question, hypothetically, is okay because you’re re-evaluating if you can trust this person again. In doing so it may prompt a reaction or show of faith that restores this trust. For example if my ex had unequivocally said yes, she’d gladly forego any work functions out of respect for me and it wasn’t a question, I’d probably have then been open to discussing how they can still live their life uninhibited and rebuild that trust in other ways, if that makes sense.

This isn’t your fault. The sad reality I fear here is that the damage she has caused may be insurmountable. You don’t trust her and that’s based on her actions, then and now. You’re at a stalemate and it’s a sign of a relationship that’s not functioning as it should. That’s now warping you into, not only wanting, but expecting her to change her workplace for you...which I imagine isn’t how you want to be in a relationship either.

I’m not saying you need to break up the home today, but I think it’d be a good idea to take a step back and accept where you’re at instead of resisting it and letting toxicity build. Take some time for yourself to reevaluate where you stand, what your ideal relationship looks like and what kind of person you want to be versus what type of person this situation is making you become. When your head is clearer on those bigger picture questions, then you’ll be able to approach it from a much more manageable standpoint. Space and a bit of distance may also be good for giving your partner an opportunity to do some evaluating too, see what’s important, and you can both take another look at things with that perspective in mind. Good luck OP.

Mesosally

Mesosally wrote: »

However there is a problem that I cannot come to terms with. The cheating partner is due back to work in a few weeks after taking some time off and doesn't see and issue with this person they cheated with being in the same office as them. Personally I will never be alright with this and the more I think about it the more it bothers me that this will be the making or breaking of us,....

It actually doesn't matter whether its unreasonable or not.

Look at the first sentence you posted there, highlighted in bold.

This is what matters.

Your partner needs to find new employment, if they are as serious as you are about saving the relationship.

(For what my personal opinion is worth, I don't think you're being unreasonable.)