Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Firstly, I want to keep this non gender for now as I find that the responses differ from male to female, in this case I would prefer a rounded non gender based response.
Secondly, I was on this forum before asking questions when this all came to light so if the story is familiar, then it probably is.

Quick background:

Partner of 10+ years recently was found out to have cheated with a work colleague. The affair wasn't a particularly long one (few months) from what I know but it happened nonetheless. Knowing that I still loved my partner and the fact that we have a family together I decided that I was going to try identify the issues, fix them and save the relationship if I could. In my eyes there was too much at stake to not give it all that I had to save what we had. The cheating partner sorry for their actions wanted this also so we decided to give things a go, which up until now have been going quiet well and the future has started to look good again.

However there is a problem that I cannot come to terms with. The cheating partner is due back to work in a few weeks after taking some time off and doesn't see and issue with this person they cheated with being in the same office as them. Personally I will never be alright with this and the more I think about it the more it bothers me that this will be the making or breaking of us, I have mentioned it a few times but they keep telling me that they wont talk to each other and will stay away from each other but given the size of the office its inevitable that they will have to deal with each other at some point ( small building with 20-25 staff at any one time). If this was a one office job I guess I would have to put up with it but its not and a transfer to a completely different area could be requested and approved in these circumstances. It was even suggested by management as an option if needed There would be no change of career/ salary / role etc. just a new location away from the other party. I know it will never stop this person cheating again if that's what they want to do but it will make them think before they put the effort in to do it and hopefully stop them proceeding any further.

To me there is just too much temptation and I know first hand as I myself before this relationship was the single person having an affair with a married colleague albeit I didn't know at the start but didn't stop either when I found out. In that case the temptation after the affair was too much and we did end up seeing each other again after it all blew up.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that they not return to the same building as the person they cheated with?

MayaMaya

It’s the very least you should expect. I wouldn’t settle for anything less in this scenario.

forestgirl

To answer your question, yes you are unreasonable.
I think you will both work this out without anyone moving office,you both seem very well suited.

YellowLead

If I were in your shoes I would insist or I would walk.

Now, with kids in the picture I know it’s a whole different ball game and to say it’s not easy, especially for men, is an understatement. So I get where you are coming from - but you need also need to look at the bigger picture of your whole life and maybe have a look at the practicalities of what breaking up would mean - work out the finances etc.

Cheaters are always cheaters - the only way they sometimes learn is when somebody they love breaks up with them and they realise what they have lost. But if that doesn’t happen they know they can get away with it...

I think if she was genuinely remorseful and serious about building up your respect and trust again she would just do it. I think she knows she has you wrapped around her finger and you are unlikely to walk beciase of the kids. So this way she gets to have her cake and eat it too.

bitofabind

Hi OP. The problem with not disclosing genders here is that it confuses the story and de-personalises it, therefore it's hard to follow the events you're describing and to apply advice in a very generalised vacuum. This is a heavily moderated forum so inappropriateness will be filtered out immediately, but you can't control how others respond to your situation if it's authentic and unbiased advice that you seek. Your thread, your choice, but that's my input.

What I'm not clear on is if your request is for your cheating partner to move office, or the third party? Relocating to a different office is a pretty disruptive life event for most people, so I think this crosses a line.

It also doesn't fix the problem, which is a fundamental lack of trust you have for your partner and a need to control that you seem to have. He/she cheated before and will cheat again if not committed to your relationship. That's the reality of it. Given the infidelity in your own past, and this recent cheating, I'd highly recommend counselling for you as an individual and you as a couple. These are complicated issues and feelings and clearly with history attached to them, they're best placed with a professional that can help you to work through and to established trust and boundaries together.

Tzardine

Yes you are being unreasonable.

If you decide to stay with them you will have to learn to trust them.

If there is no trust, then you should not be continuing the relationship at this point.

karlitob

I think you’re a woman.

Not sure what the big deal is without telling anyone. Or how you can get a non-gendered response. I can’t remove my gender when considering this response so I doubt you’ll get a ‘non-gendered response’.


Anyway

You’re in a crap position. He cheated. You’ve to ‘try and make it work’ because there’s a lot to lose because of what he did. I don’t envy you.

I don’t think it unreasonable that he moves office. He did the dog, you gave him a second chance and he goes back to work with the wan who knew he was married. You’re experience of being a co-adulterer is making your spidy sense tingle.

You don’t trust him and that’s pretty much that. But as you say - there’s a lot to lose. So considering what you’re giving up - either he moves office or you’re out.

Jequ0n

Depends how recently this happened and how you decided to resolve it. I find it a bit difficult to imagine that the issue of returning to the office has now come up until now: it’s hardly something that should have come as a surprise.

Totally depends on how far you both have come in your fixing of the relationship.

Lastly, I do agree with your assessment of gender based bias in the forum by some users, though I believe most to be neutral enough.

Taeholic

It's a tough one OP sorry you're going through this. You say you're working through your problems and of course that takes time. I understand why you want them to move office and I don't think it's unreasonable. I do wonder if it's enough to put your mind at ease somewhat?

There's nothing to say your partner won't be working with someone similar in the new office. Do you think you will be wondering about your partner in their new office? Are you still in counselling?

While on the face of it you shouldn’t ask because you’ve gone all in on this and it’s working, but the fact they won’t move would be a massive red flag to me. I’d be thinking they should have even been the ones to suggest it, especially when work would accommodate it, so you would have to wonder why so set on being in that persons company.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Hi OP. The problem with not disclosing genders here is that it confuses the story and de-personalises it.

What I'm not clear on is if your request is for your cheating partner to move office, or the third party? Relocating to a different office is a pretty disruptive life event for most people, so I think this crosses a line.

It also doesn't fix the problem, which is a fundamental lack of trust you have for your partner and a need to control that you seem to have. He/she cheated before and will cheat again if not committed to your relationship. That's the reality of it. Given the infidelity in your own past, and this recent cheating, I'd highly recommend counselling for you as an individual and you as a couple. These are complicated issues and feelings and clearly with history attached to them, they're best placed with a professional that can help you to work through and to established trust and boundaries together.

Would prefer to keep gender neutral on this.

The request was for the cheating partner to avail of an offer to move. As I said it’s not a career change as the role would be the same just in a different office.

I know it won’t stop cheating and I believe that they don’t want to cheat again, I’m trying to circumvent any chance of a opportune rekindling whether on a night out or chance encounter at work, which is easier to happen when the ground work is already done as opposed to starting fresh with someone else which would require some thought. The person they cheated with has form for similar and I don’t trust that they wouldn’t try it on after the heat dies off.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

Depends how recently this happened and how you decided to resolve it. I find it a bit difficult to imagine that the issue of returning to the office has now come up until now: it’s hardly something that should have come as a surprise.

Totally depends on how far you both have come in your fixing of the relationship.

Lastly, I do agree with your assessment of gender based bias in the forum by some users, though I believe most to be neutral enough.

This is just it, the issue has been there since this all came to light and I’ve made no secret of my thoughts on this but they brushed it off with promises that there would be no contact, unfortunately while there is some trust returning we are not fully there yet and this is something causing me severe anxiety. As I’ve already said the person who the cheating happened with has form for trying to get things going again and I don’t trust that it won’t happen again.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

Depends how recently this happened and how you decided to resolve it. I find it a bit difficult to imagine that the issue of returning to the office has now come up until now: it’s hardly something that should have come as a surprise.

Totally depends on how far you both have come in your fixing of the relationship.

Lastly, I do agree with your assessment of gender based bias in the forum by some users, though I believe most to be neutral enough.

Happened recently enough, they’ve been off with stress since.

YellowLead

Mesosally wrote: »

This is just it, the issue has been there since this all came to light and I’ve made no secret of my thoughts on this but they brushed it off with promises that there would be no contact, unfortunately while there is some trust returning we are not fully there yet and this is something causing me severe anxiety. As I’ve already said the person who the cheating happened with has form for trying to get things going again and I don’t trust that it won’t happen again.

I wonder if you put too much blame on the other party who isn’t your partner? As if your partner is an innocent victim that was preyed upon by this other person?

It sounds like you need a lot more than a job move to trust your partner again. Do you want to be worrying about this for the rest of your lives?

Tork

I really dislike the hiding of the gender here. It implies that the OP has an agenda and isn't being straight with us.

Even though I can understand why the partner of the cheater isn't happy that he/she/it/the dog will be back working with the person they had the affair with, it's not going to make much difference really. If the intent to cheat is there, then it's going to happen anyway. The bigger question is how serious the cheater is about saving the marriage.

Fell upon my sword

You are not being unreasonable.

You are making a real effort to try to forgive her, fix things and move forward. It's a much bigger ask/effort than moving to a different office, which people do all the time when they change jobs.

You will be struggling to trust her for a while, no matter if she goes to a different place or stays in her current office, but her refusal to make life a bit easier for you is quite worrying.

You can't control her life and tell her what to do, she is a free person and can do what she wants regardless of what happened.
But knowing what you are going through at the moment, my opinion is she should, proactively, make an effort to make you feel less anxious, if she has the option.

It's difficult to rebuild trust after something like this happened. You seem to be struggling, like most people would, and she's not helping you by her actions. If she is not making an effort now that this is all fresh, she never will, and your life will always be full of worry and suspicion and you'll feel miserable.

Remember you're own self worth. You don't have to accept everything. You can look into your options and see if there is anything that would work for you and your kids.

Bottom line here is you still don't trust her and never really will again, that's the problem and I totally understand this.
They did the dirt but you're the one paying the price for it. She refuses to move ,he's probably totally unaffected by what happened but you're life has totally changed, you're the one that's worrying and anxious about what may happen in the future, it will definitely cause you a lot of stress.
I'd guess that everything seems ok at the moment but that's because you know she's not in work and in his company every day but you'll find it very hard to relax once she's back in work, it would help if she moved but I still think you'll wonder if it will happen again.

I suppose what I'm saying is imo a relationship never goes back to what it was before someone cheats, children and finances are the reasons most people don't split up, it's a horrible way to live for the person that was cheated on tbh. I think you just have to let her make her own decision about work, tbh it says a lot about her that she won't move when she knows how you feel, not showing much remorse or respect really, it will eat you away, have you asked her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed? Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

I really dislike the hiding of the gender here. It implies that the OP has an agenda and isn't being straight with us.

Seen as it’s such a bone of contention, I am a male.. No agenda at all. Honestly more to the fact that I was trying to not make it so obvious should my partner who also frequents these parts, see this post and recognise the story. I also find that the advise changes somewhat between male and female victims.

LegacyUser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Bottom line here is you still don't trust her and never really will again, that's the problem and I totally understand this.
They did the dirt but you're the one paying the price for it. She refuses to move ,he's probably totally unaffected by what happened but you're life has totally changed, you're the one that's worrying and anxious about what may happen in the future, it will definitely cause you a lot of stress.
I'd guess that everything seems ok at the moment but that's because you know she's not in work and in his company every day but you'll find it very hard to relax once she's back in work, it would help if she moved but I still think you'll wonder if it will happen again.

I suppose what I'm saying is imo a relationship never goes back to what it was before someone cheats, children and finances are the reasons most people don't split up, it's a horrible way to live for the person that was cheated on tbh. I think you just have to let her make her own decision about work, tbh it says a lot about her that she won't move when she knows how you feel, not showing much remorse or respect really, it will eat you away, have you asked her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed? Best of luck.

Nail on the head. Asked the role reversal question and got no real reply but given previous conversations about other people we knew who were caught cheating, I wouldn’t have gotten a second chance.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it is important to know, did the affair stop before you found out (did she see sense and stop it?) or did it stop because you found out? Or maybe somebody else found out and forced their hand.

If she stopped it of her own accord then if you really are determined to move forward from this you have to accept that she made a mistake, got caught up in a bit of excitement and flattery and let it go too far.

If the affair stopped because of outside influences, you, a colleague, a boss, finding out and basically giving them an ultimatum then it's not quite so simple. And she must know in a small office she can't actually avoid a colleague.

Either way, I wouldn't be happy. She had an affair with a colleague. She now has to live with the consequences of that. And in this case that, for me, means she needs to look for another job. If she doesn't, and if she insists that everything will be fine, then she doesn't see her relationship with this fella as that big a deal. And if she doesn't see it as that a big a deal then it's very likely that she won't exactly ignore him in work, she just won't tell you that she's not ignoring him... And you're back to zero trust.

listermint

I think they should have offered to move rather than expected you to ask.

That's core to the problem here frankly.

You keep referring to your partner as the “cheating partner”. That suggests to me that you don’t really forgive them. At least not yet.

Continuing this relationship sounds like a waste of time to me.

You’ll constantly be insecure no matter what job they are in if you don’t trust them.

dulpit

My view on this is that if I was the cheater and really wanted to save the relationship then I would do anything to try and make that happen. The fact that they are unwilling to consider a transfer suggests that they aren't willing to fight for the relationship.

On the other hand, the fact that you won't be comfortable unless they transfer suggests the trust is gone.

I'm not saying that it is curtains for you both, but it does sound like unless something changes with both of you that you might be dragging out the inivitable.

I really feel for you op. It's a rotten situation, not of your doing. You are the victim here, and whatever you need to do to help you and your relationship you should do. But I have family members who tried to make things work for longer than they needed to and I saw how hard it was for them, especially in those last few months after everything came to light but before their ultimate split. Hopefully it's not whats needed here, but if that is what happens, you'll be stronger for it in the long term.

km991148

Mesosally wrote: »

Seen as it’s such a bone of contention, I am a xxxx.. No agenda at all. Honestly more to the fact that I was trying to not make it so obvious should my partner who also frequents these parts, see this post and recognise the story. I also find that the advise changes somewhat between male and female victims.

I think of you ask for non gendered replies then others should either respect that or not reply tbh. If you have issue with a post report it or ignore (which I would do had you not explicitly mentioned this)

On a personal issues forum where the subject of respect is often discussed as well..



Your opening post: I don't think it's unreasonable request but there are unlikely continuing underlying trust issues.

This need to be worked out and I think your partner should be doing all they can to re-establish this trust.
This doesn't mean that you get to control every place they work for the rest of the relationship tho as that's not trust. But for now it seems reasonable to not work with the person if possible until more work is done in this regard.

Loverlyhorse

I really can't give much advice but I would say if I were in your situation, I would definitely feel uncomfortable with that. I would absolutely expect (if we decided to work on the relationship) that they don't work in the same office space any more.

If I was the cheating partner - I would honestly expect to now be single again. If my partner was willing to work things out - I would immediately be looking to transfer to a new job if I care about the relationship working. It wouldn't need to be said , I would consider it a given.

Regarding genders - unfortunately in Ireland and many countries, if kids are involved gender absolutely matters. If you are a woman - it could be suggested you effectively kick him out of the house and demand he continue to pay the mortgage and child support and find somewhere else to live. You can keep the house until the kids leave education.
If you are a man - you are ****ed. You will ultimately have to leave the house and find somewhere to rent while still paying the mortgage. You're literally ****ed unfortunately as a guy, especially if she is acting unreasonable.
She could literally move the guy she had an affair with into the house (unofficially) and as long as the courts don't find out he's there permanently, you'll be paying and struggling. I know people in this situation. I'm sure it contributes to high suicide rates for middle age men.
So I really hope you're a woman. You'll be much more secure.

Edit: as I suspect you're a man, I want to express my sympathy for your situation. I hope if the relationship breaks down that she behaves compassionately and fair. If she doesn't you're in for a very rough time. And based on her behavior so far, I'm doubtful it will be a civil and amicable breakup. Reach out if you need help, don't go through it alone.

Big Bag of Chips

km991148 wrote: »

If you have issue with a post report it or ignore

Indeed!

Backseat moderation is not allowed. If you have an issue with any post, report it.

Dtp1979

It takes one to know one, as they say.

I wouldn’t blame you for what you’re asking. Your partner should be doing everything in their power to reassure you and not make you feel uncomfortable. Of course it’s not going to stop them re kindling anything of they wish but it’s not nice for you to know they’d be interacting in a daily basis.

Pawwed Rig

Mesosally wrote: »

Seen as it’s such a bone of contention, I am a male.. No agenda at all. Honestly more to the fact that I was trying to not make it so obvious should my partner who also frequents these parts, see this post and recognise the story. I also find that the advise changes somewhat between male and female victims.

It does unfortunately. It was obvious you were male at the start as if you were female you get unwavering support whereas men are expected to just get on with it.

I think you are being reasonable here tbh. You need time to learn to live with what happened and having your spouse meeting the person they cheated with every day would be a constant stresser. Also I cannot see you able to mingle with your spouse's work mates again. The question is how far are you willing to go to force the issue.
It is a horrible situation and given that your spouse is pushing back so much you would wonder how much guilt she actually feels. They should be bending over backwards to ensure you feel comfortable at this stage if they were truly regretful

YellowLead

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It does unfortunately. It was obvious you were male at the start as if you were female you get unwavering support whereas men are expected to just get on with it.

I think most posters have sympathised and agreed that he is not being unreasonable? There is no trend in personal issues forum for expecting men to get on with things - I think that is why so many are comfortable posting here

Big Bag of Chips

I think where a partner has already proven themselves to lack judgement and to be willing to cheat on their partner with a particular person, in order to move forward from the hurt they should be willing to accept the consequences, in this scenario that means not being around that person again. You have done nothing wrong. She has. If she is hand on heart serious about fixing your relationship then she needs to be serious about fixing your relationship. How she expects you to be OK with her leaving your home every day to be in his company all day in work shows just how seriously she is taking this.

I found this kind very interesting in your opening post:

Mesosally wrote: »

I decided that I was going to try identify the issues, fix them and save the relationship if I could.

It sounds like you are really trying very hard to be OK with this. She's not trying as hard. She's happy to continue on as she always done, hoping you will forgive, leaving you with the heavy lifting to repair your marriage.

What exactly is she doing/has she done to show she is fighting for this relationship? She's out of work on stress leave. Due to the aftermath of the affair? She needs to apply for new jobs, and not return to that office. Believe it or not you hold the cards here, you can issue an ultimatum. She picks - her job, or her relationship.

By the way, my friend (female) had an affair. Her husband kicked her out. He lives in the family home with their 3 children and she rents a room locally. So it's not a given that the man has to leave his family regardless of who is right/wrong.

Homelander

Your partner cheated on you with an office colleague, and now doesn't see any issues with working alongside this colleague indefinitely, and furthermore, is resisting suggestions of a transfer?

I think you need to step back and have a long think about this. Taking your story at face value, it's entirely clear this person doesn't really give a **** about your relationship or marriage in the grand scheme of things.

You don't need the advice of strangers on this one. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

A person who was even half sorry would've quit the job, found, or looked for a new one....not be protesting that there's no issue with them returning to work with the person they were unfaithful with.

You are worth more than this.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, OP there's a thread here about a man who found out his new wife was cheating on him with a work colleague. She didn't want to leave her job. One weekend she wanted to go away to a hotel 'alone' to clear her head. (She didn't go to the hotel alone).

I think your wife is not fully finished with this colleague. There may be nothing happening now but when they return I can imagine there will be sneak off lunches to discuss the mess they've caused. They were obviously friends first who crossed a line. There are feelings there. Still. I really would question her motives for being adamant that she can return to work with him and it'll be fine.

She might well just become more clever.

It's only a job. She can find another one. I honestly think, for the sake of your marriage, and your own sanity, she can't afford to not look for another job.

osarusan

Her not understanding/admitting the significance of getting away from the person she cheated with says a lot about her and how much she wants to repair the damage to the relationship.

HildaOgdenx

Not much to add to what has been said already. OP, you are not being unreasonable. It almost sounds as if she wants to keep her options open by returning to work with him.

And wants you to do what's called 'the pick me dance' on another forum I'm on.
Has she any interest in saving your relationship, I wonder. It doesn't really sound like it, tbh.

Tork

I'm not sure she is interested in saving this relationship either. Being cynical, she's doing just about enough to keep a roof over her head so she doesn't have to find somewhere else to stay or go through a costly divorce. It takes two people to save a marriage and the impression I get is that only one person here is on board. If she's of a mind to cheat, it's going to happen anyway. Still, she should be taking steps to at least give the impression that she wants to save this. She's not even making the effort to regain your trust. OP, I hope you can save your marriage but I foresee this eating you up in the coming months and years. Is it really worth it?

MissShihTzu

Well. Something similar happened to me a few years ago. What I'll say is this: Once they cheat and are caught? They'll always cheat. The cheater will just be smarter about it and be more sneaky. It's never a one-shot deal.

The trust has gone. You can insist your partner never works in the same building as the person they had the affair with, but to me that's not going to fly. I would insist they find a new job somewhere else. How achievable that will be, I don't know.

For me? It's great trying to save the relationship for the children, but NOT at all costs. You'll be forever suspicious and unhappy, and the kids will pick up on this too. Either you roll with the status quo (Presuming partner will not get another position so quickly and partner working in the same office), or you GTFO.

It's that simple.

bucketybuck

Does your partner know that you were once cheating with a married man/woman?

If he/she knows your history perhaps that influences just how much he/she is prepared to do in this situation.

The gender thing is ridiculous by the way.

DonnaDarko09

Your partner should have offered to move location to avoid any awkwardness and avoid putting you in this position whereby you have to request them to move. It’s the least they should have done to help you both heal.

My ex had an emotional affair with his ex (mother of his kids). When I found the sexting messages I was devastated but tried to put it behind us and move on. He had to deal with this woman on a daily basis as he coparents. I cannot tell you how much this destroyed me, the paranoia, anger, sadness, jealousy..it took me a while to realise I would never trust him again and finally walked but not before I did my own fair share of hurting in the process. I only wish I’d left when I initially found out.

I would be very mindful of how you will react if your partner does return.

Neyite

It just feels like there's a vibe where they are waiting for the dust to settle and then resume where they abruptly left off.
Meanwhile you'll be working on the 'issues' that supposedly caused her to stray. And she has the safety net of being in one relationship until the next one shows enough certainty that if she leaves you, it won't fall through for her.

Actions speak louder than words. So she might tell you she's sorry. But sorry includes ensuring you know that she's remorseful with her actions. The top of the list should be cutting all contact with the affair partner. If that means a different office so be it. The very least she should do. If she doesn't want to do this then to be honest I think it's telling you all you really need to know.

Please, for yourself, make a discreet appointment with a solicitor and find out where you stand because I worry that you aren't actually married and you really need to figure out what a split might look like for you - just in case.

spaceHopper

Mesosally wrote: »

Knowing that I still loved my partner and the fact that we have a family together I decided that I was going to try identify the issues, fix them and save the relationship if I could. In my eyes there was too much at stake to not give it all that I had to save what we had. The cheating partner sorry for their actions wanted this also so we decided to give things a go, which up until now have been going quiet well and the future has started to look good again.

So much of this is in the first person "I" and "my" and not so much "we" or "us". They has a few months affair, how was it stopped, were they caught or did she stop it.

To me it sounds like you are making all the effort where she should be doing most of the hard work.

You need to work on yourself and less on the "us" you need to be less codependent and ready for if this doesn't work or she does it again. Because if you don't she will see you are an easy mark.

If you aren't happy with her working in the same office as the AP then tell her you aren't and you want her to change office/job. Leave no room for doubt.

She ****ed up and is trying to save face by pretending nothing happened. Does she expect you to go to the work Christmas party with them?

LegacyUser

TBH I think you're reading too much into this especially since you were, once "the other person" yourself. (People in glass houses etc...) Don't worry yourself about it and things will sort themselves out.

Good luck.

Pawwed Rig

Forum21 wrote: »

TBH I think you're reading too much into this especially since you were, once "the other person" yourself. (People in glass houses etc...) Don't worry yourself about it and things will sort themselves out.

Good luck.

Who is more culpable? A single person that has an affair with a married person or a married person that goes for a single person? I would argue the latter as the single person has never made a promise in a relationship. Not to say their isn't any moral issue there but it is a fraction of the other imo.

eviltwin

How did you find out about the affair OP and was it still active when you did?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It would be one thing if there was no other option but to work there but that is not the case. I know moving job is not easy but if your partner is genuine about wanting to move on from this and start over its a no brainer. The fact she doesn't want to makes me wonder if she wants to stay close to the person she cheated with in hopes of rekindling something.

Yellow pack crisps

Why are you being so reasonable? Make it a condition of the road to forgiveness and another step on the ladder of trust. Once a cheater always a cheater gets bandied about a lot but it’s not always true. Some people cheat and regret it and want to save their marriage/Relationship etc and put huge amount of personal sacrifices to do so. 9/10 the person who cheats are the ones not to sacrifice if the shoe was on the other foot also, you hit on it when you said previous talks have resulted in her saying you’d be gone if you cheated. She had caused you a wound that she is unwilling to help cure and is in fact poking it to let you know how painful age can be. She knows the anxiety and intrusive thoughts she would cause you by going back to the same office where she had an affair, with the same person she had an affair with, the office where it began. When she said she Wants to work on the marriage what she really meant was she wants to work on you, she wants to make you live with her set of rules, her wants, her choices. Why won’t she move anyway? Does she love her job/colleagues more than you? Her marriage? You don’t trust her yet, that’s 100 % normal at this stage. It’s not a magic button you press, it’s a hill you climb, togeather. But if one is trying to push you down the hill and not dragging you up with them then you really have your answer.

LegacyUser

Ok to answer a few questions:

Do I think she is genuinely sorry? Yes I do, she is suffering a lot over this and around all the other ways I think she is trying hard.

How did you find out about the affair OP and was it still active when you did? I found out by finding unknown locations appearing on google maps on my work phone that happened to be in my car for a few of the trips and challenged her on it.. Took a while to get to the truth but it came in the end. Yes it was active at the time.

Am I worried about it happening again? She swears it wont but I don't think she's over this fella just yet despite what she tells me, even though he has a new woman on the scene she has stood up for him on numerous occasions and never has a single bad thing to say about him... Not exactly assuring for someone who almost cost her everything. So yes I do think that maybe not today or tomorrow but some point in the future it could happen again. I know moving jobs wont solve this but it might remove temptation if they dont see each other again.

Why are you being so reasonable? Despite all of this, I still love her and want to keep what we have had for the last few years.

Why won’t she move anyway? There are concerns about distance to new location etc and around cases where she would need to come home for sick child etc.

Does she love her job/colleagues more than you? Sadly, I think she might

My problem at the moment stems around the fact that I feel backed into a corner and I need to choose living with her going back to work there and deal with whatever comes of it in terms of stress and anxiety or loosing my family by walking away and shifting the blame of a break up on me as the one who walked away. Anytime I try to talk about it, she ends up in floods of tears to the point where I have to back down and stop. I'm finding it tough to think that she doesnt see an issue with me worrying etc about her going back to work.

YellowLead

From the outside it doesn’t look like she was sorry she had the affair. She is just sorry she was caught.

The fact she defends him and won’t hear a bad word said about him compounded by the fact she won’t avail of a transfer is just all too much of a red flag in my opinion, especially since you yourself admit it could happen again.

If you want to be an unloved, disrespected doormat (so sorry for the harsh words because you sound like a nice person) then off you go and let her away with it.

I wouldn’t worry about ‘shifting the blame’ your friends and family would understand why you broke up once they learn of her affair and refusal to distance herself from that guy.

I do understand however it’s really hard for men when it comes to splits involving children, because if the female isn’t on board it can be tough to get the access you want and you often end up paying more than your fair share. But you should at least see a solicitor and get an idea of what could be worked out, and do your research.

Big Bag of Chips

Why are you talking of walking away?
Why not get her to leave? I mentioned my friend who cheated on her husband, he kicked her out. Are there no other businesses in your area that she could work for? She is emotionally manipulating you. The tears when you start to talk about exposing everything by ending the marriage. If you had not found out, it would still be going on. It is that simple.

And if she goes back to that job it will happen again. She's not over him. She has unfinished business. You interrupted their fun. Him having a new woman is irrelevant. She had you, and 2 kids and still managed it.

She is not remorseful. She's telling you "it'll be grand",, and cleverly enough lining it up to be all your fault if it's not grand! That's not how it works. She can't go back into the same situation, expect you to be absolutely fine with it, and then blame you if you're not happy.

You are being played. Big time.

Get yourself to a solicitor just for advice.

eviltwin

I think you have answered your own questions OP with your last post.

Its one thing for someone to end an affair, have genuine remorse over it and a desire to move on but she was in the midst of it when you found out and it appears had you not things still would have continued as they were so where exactly is the effort on her part to mend your relationship. Can you even be sure it is over? Plenty of opportunities to sneak off with her fancy man when they are working together all day every day.

It does not appear that you are both on the same page here and while I understand you want to make a go of it her actions say otherwise. She should be moving mountains to prove she wants to make a go of things but she has made it clear where, and who, her priorities lie with.

I think you need some space to work through your feelings on this because its so recent and you are probably still reeling from it and therefore not thinking clearly. A bit of individual therapy might be worth looking at as well as legal advice.

Remember you are the wronged party here, you don't have to make any decisions to make it easier for her, she at the very least needs to give you time to get your head sorted so you can decide where you want to go from here.

spaceHopper

Have you a plan for what would happen if you break up either how to live in the same house until one of you can move out. Or your own rainy day fund. Also have you gotten legal advice so you know where you stand.

I think the floods of tears is her way of stopping the conversation so it never gets addressed.

You could try a counciling session to talk about it.

You also have your kids to think of dragging this on and on won't be good for them.

She has to accept responsibility for her actions she needs to realise this is her fault. If it can't be fixed it's not your fault for walking away.

Pawwed Rig

I agree you need to get legal advice on this. No reason for you to give up your family but the solicitor would be better placed to advise as the family courts are not overly Dad friendly.

Have you considered couples counselling?

LegacyUser

Dtp1979 wrote: »

What an odd response

Sorry, that was not me “the original poster”. They joys of anonymous commenting.