Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Firstly, I want to keep this non gender for now as I find that the responses differ from male to female, in this case I would prefer a rounded non gender based response.
Secondly, I was on this forum before asking questions when this all came to light so if the story is familiar, then it probably is.

Quick background:

Partner of 10+ years recently was found out to have cheated with a work colleague. The affair wasn't a particularly long one (few months) from what I know but it happened nonetheless. Knowing that I still loved my partner and the fact that we have a family together I decided that I was going to try identify the issues, fix them and save the relationship if I could. In my eyes there was too much at stake to not give it all that I had to save what we had. The cheating partner sorry for their actions wanted this also so we decided to give things a go, which up until now have been going quiet well and the future has started to look good again.

However there is a problem that I cannot come to terms with. The cheating partner is due back to work in a few weeks after taking some time off and doesn't see and issue with this person they cheated with being in the same office as them. Personally I will never be alright with this and the more I think about it the more it bothers me that this will be the making or breaking of us, I have mentioned it a few times but they keep telling me that they wont talk to each other and will stay away from each other but given the size of the office its inevitable that they will have to deal with each other at some point ( small building with 20-25 staff at any one time). If this was a one office job I guess I would have to put up with it but its not and a transfer to a completely different area could be requested and approved in these circumstances. It was even suggested by management as an option if needed There would be no change of career/ salary / role etc. just a new location away from the other party. I know it will never stop this person cheating again if that's what they want to do but it will make them think before they put the effort in to do it and hopefully stop them proceeding any further.

To me there is just too much temptation and I know first hand as I myself before this relationship was the single person having an affair with a married colleague albeit I didn't know at the start but didn't stop either when I found out. In that case the temptation after the affair was too much and we did end up seeing each other again after it all blew up.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that they not return to the same building as the person they cheated with?

MayaMaya

It’s the very least you should expect. I wouldn’t settle for anything less in this scenario.

forestgirl

To answer your question, yes you are unreasonable.
I think you will both work this out without anyone moving office,you both seem very well suited.

YellowLead

If I were in your shoes I would insist or I would walk.

Now, with kids in the picture I know it’s a whole different ball game and to say it’s not easy, especially for men, is an understatement. So I get where you are coming from - but you need also need to look at the bigger picture of your whole life and maybe have a look at the practicalities of what breaking up would mean - work out the finances etc.

Cheaters are always cheaters - the only way they sometimes learn is when somebody they love breaks up with them and they realise what they have lost. But if that doesn’t happen they know they can get away with it...

I think if she was genuinely remorseful and serious about building up your respect and trust again she would just do it. I think she knows she has you wrapped around her finger and you are unlikely to walk beciase of the kids. So this way she gets to have her cake and eat it too.

bitofabind

Hi OP. The problem with not disclosing genders here is that it confuses the story and de-personalises it, therefore it's hard to follow the events you're describing and to apply advice in a very generalised vacuum. This is a heavily moderated forum so inappropriateness will be filtered out immediately, but you can't control how others respond to your situation if it's authentic and unbiased advice that you seek. Your thread, your choice, but that's my input.

What I'm not clear on is if your request is for your cheating partner to move office, or the third party? Relocating to a different office is a pretty disruptive life event for most people, so I think this crosses a line.

It also doesn't fix the problem, which is a fundamental lack of trust you have for your partner and a need to control that you seem to have. He/she cheated before and will cheat again if not committed to your relationship. That's the reality of it. Given the infidelity in your own past, and this recent cheating, I'd highly recommend counselling for you as an individual and you as a couple. These are complicated issues and feelings and clearly with history attached to them, they're best placed with a professional that can help you to work through and to established trust and boundaries together.

Tzardine

Yes you are being unreasonable.

If you decide to stay with them you will have to learn to trust them.

If there is no trust, then you should not be continuing the relationship at this point.

karlitob

I think you’re a woman.

Not sure what the big deal is without telling anyone. Or how you can get a non-gendered response. I can’t remove my gender when considering this response so I doubt you’ll get a ‘non-gendered response’.


Anyway

You’re in a crap position. He cheated. You’ve to ‘try and make it work’ because there’s a lot to lose because of what he did. I don’t envy you.

I don’t think it unreasonable that he moves office. He did the dog, you gave him a second chance and he goes back to work with the wan who knew he was married. You’re experience of being a co-adulterer is making your spidy sense tingle.

You don’t trust him and that’s pretty much that. But as you say - there’s a lot to lose. So considering what you’re giving up - either he moves office or you’re out.

Jequ0n

Depends how recently this happened and how you decided to resolve it. I find it a bit difficult to imagine that the issue of returning to the office has now come up until now: it’s hardly something that should have come as a surprise.

Totally depends on how far you both have come in your fixing of the relationship.

Lastly, I do agree with your assessment of gender based bias in the forum by some users, though I believe most to be neutral enough.

Taeholic

It's a tough one OP sorry you're going through this. You say you're working through your problems and of course that takes time. I understand why you want them to move office and I don't think it's unreasonable. I do wonder if it's enough to put your mind at ease somewhat?

There's nothing to say your partner won't be working with someone similar in the new office. Do you think you will be wondering about your partner in their new office? Are you still in counselling?

While on the face of it you shouldn’t ask because you’ve gone all in on this and it’s working, but the fact they won’t move would be a massive red flag to me. I’d be thinking they should have even been the ones to suggest it, especially when work would accommodate it, so you would have to wonder why so set on being in that persons company.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

Hi OP. The problem with not disclosing genders here is that it confuses the story and de-personalises it.

What I'm not clear on is if your request is for your cheating partner to move office, or the third party? Relocating to a different office is a pretty disruptive life event for most people, so I think this crosses a line.

It also doesn't fix the problem, which is a fundamental lack of trust you have for your partner and a need to control that you seem to have. He/she cheated before and will cheat again if not committed to your relationship. That's the reality of it. Given the infidelity in your own past, and this recent cheating, I'd highly recommend counselling for you as an individual and you as a couple. These are complicated issues and feelings and clearly with history attached to them, they're best placed with a professional that can help you to work through and to established trust and boundaries together.

Would prefer to keep gender neutral on this.

The request was for the cheating partner to avail of an offer to move. As I said it’s not a career change as the role would be the same just in a different office.

I know it won’t stop cheating and I believe that they don’t want to cheat again, I’m trying to circumvent any chance of a opportune rekindling whether on a night out or chance encounter at work, which is easier to happen when the ground work is already done as opposed to starting fresh with someone else which would require some thought. The person they cheated with has form for similar and I don’t trust that they wouldn’t try it on after the heat dies off.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

Depends how recently this happened and how you decided to resolve it. I find it a bit difficult to imagine that the issue of returning to the office has now come up until now: it’s hardly something that should have come as a surprise.

Totally depends on how far you both have come in your fixing of the relationship.

Lastly, I do agree with your assessment of gender based bias in the forum by some users, though I believe most to be neutral enough.

This is just it, the issue has been there since this all came to light and I’ve made no secret of my thoughts on this but they brushed it off with promises that there would be no contact, unfortunately while there is some trust returning we are not fully there yet and this is something causing me severe anxiety. As I’ve already said the person who the cheating happened with has form for trying to get things going again and I don’t trust that it won’t happen again.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

Depends how recently this happened and how you decided to resolve it. I find it a bit difficult to imagine that the issue of returning to the office has now come up until now: it’s hardly something that should have come as a surprise.

Totally depends on how far you both have come in your fixing of the relationship.

Lastly, I do agree with your assessment of gender based bias in the forum by some users, though I believe most to be neutral enough.

Happened recently enough, they’ve been off with stress since.

YellowLead

Mesosally wrote: »

This is just it, the issue has been there since this all came to light and I’ve made no secret of my thoughts on this but they brushed it off with promises that there would be no contact, unfortunately while there is some trust returning we are not fully there yet and this is something causing me severe anxiety. As I’ve already said the person who the cheating happened with has form for trying to get things going again and I don’t trust that it won’t happen again.

I wonder if you put too much blame on the other party who isn’t your partner? As if your partner is an innocent victim that was preyed upon by this other person?

It sounds like you need a lot more than a job move to trust your partner again. Do you want to be worrying about this for the rest of your lives?

Tork

I really dislike the hiding of the gender here. It implies that the OP has an agenda and isn't being straight with us.

Even though I can understand why the partner of the cheater isn't happy that he/she/it/the dog will be back working with the person they had the affair with, it's not going to make much difference really. If the intent to cheat is there, then it's going to happen anyway. The bigger question is how serious the cheater is about saving the marriage.

Fell upon my sword

You are not being unreasonable.

You are making a real effort to try to forgive her, fix things and move forward. It's a much bigger ask/effort than moving to a different office, which people do all the time when they change jobs.

You will be struggling to trust her for a while, no matter if she goes to a different place or stays in her current office, but her refusal to make life a bit easier for you is quite worrying.

You can't control her life and tell her what to do, she is a free person and can do what she wants regardless of what happened.
But knowing what you are going through at the moment, my opinion is she should, proactively, make an effort to make you feel less anxious, if she has the option.

It's difficult to rebuild trust after something like this happened. You seem to be struggling, like most people would, and she's not helping you by her actions. If she is not making an effort now that this is all fresh, she never will, and your life will always be full of worry and suspicion and you'll feel miserable.

Remember you're own self worth. You don't have to accept everything. You can look into your options and see if there is anything that would work for you and your kids.

Bottom line here is you still don't trust her and never really will again, that's the problem and I totally understand this.
They did the dirt but you're the one paying the price for it. She refuses to move ,he's probably totally unaffected by what happened but you're life has totally changed, you're the one that's worrying and anxious about what may happen in the future, it will definitely cause you a lot of stress.
I'd guess that everything seems ok at the moment but that's because you know she's not in work and in his company every day but you'll find it very hard to relax once she's back in work, it would help if she moved but I still think you'll wonder if it will happen again.

I suppose what I'm saying is imo a relationship never goes back to what it was before someone cheats, children and finances are the reasons most people don't split up, it's a horrible way to live for the person that was cheated on tbh. I think you just have to let her make her own decision about work, tbh it says a lot about her that she won't move when she knows how you feel, not showing much remorse or respect really, it will eat you away, have you asked her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed? Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

I really dislike the hiding of the gender here. It implies that the OP has an agenda and isn't being straight with us.

Seen as it’s such a bone of contention, I am a male.. No agenda at all. Honestly more to the fact that I was trying to not make it so obvious should my partner who also frequents these parts, see this post and recognise the story. I also find that the advise changes somewhat between male and female victims.

LegacyUser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Bottom line here is you still don't trust her and never really will again, that's the problem and I totally understand this.
They did the dirt but you're the one paying the price for it. She refuses to move ,he's probably totally unaffected by what happened but you're life has totally changed, you're the one that's worrying and anxious about what may happen in the future, it will definitely cause you a lot of stress.
I'd guess that everything seems ok at the moment but that's because you know she's not in work and in his company every day but you'll find it very hard to relax once she's back in work, it would help if she moved but I still think you'll wonder if it will happen again.

I suppose what I'm saying is imo a relationship never goes back to what it was before someone cheats, children and finances are the reasons most people don't split up, it's a horrible way to live for the person that was cheated on tbh. I think you just have to let her make her own decision about work, tbh it says a lot about her that she won't move when she knows how you feel, not showing much remorse or respect really, it will eat you away, have you asked her how she'd feel if the roles were reversed? Best of luck.

Nail on the head. Asked the role reversal question and got no real reply but given previous conversations about other people we knew who were caught cheating, I wouldn’t have gotten a second chance.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it is important to know, did the affair stop before you found out (did she see sense and stop it?) or did it stop because you found out? Or maybe somebody else found out and forced their hand.

If she stopped it of her own accord then if you really are determined to move forward from this you have to accept that she made a mistake, got caught up in a bit of excitement and flattery and let it go too far.

If the affair stopped because of outside influences, you, a colleague, a boss, finding out and basically giving them an ultimatum then it's not quite so simple. And she must know in a small office she can't actually avoid a colleague.

Either way, I wouldn't be happy. She had an affair with a colleague. She now has to live with the consequences of that. And in this case that, for me, means she needs to look for another job. If she doesn't, and if she insists that everything will be fine, then she doesn't see her relationship with this fella as that big a deal. And if she doesn't see it as that a big a deal then it's very likely that she won't exactly ignore him in work, she just won't tell you that she's not ignoring him... And you're back to zero trust.

listermint

I think they should have offered to move rather than expected you to ask.

That's core to the problem here frankly.

You keep referring to your partner as the “cheating partner”. That suggests to me that you don’t really forgive them. At least not yet.

Continuing this relationship sounds like a waste of time to me.

You’ll constantly be insecure no matter what job they are in if you don’t trust them.

dulpit

My view on this is that if I was the cheater and really wanted to save the relationship then I would do anything to try and make that happen. The fact that they are unwilling to consider a transfer suggests that they aren't willing to fight for the relationship.

On the other hand, the fact that you won't be comfortable unless they transfer suggests the trust is gone.

I'm not saying that it is curtains for you both, but it does sound like unless something changes with both of you that you might be dragging out the inivitable.

I really feel for you op. It's a rotten situation, not of your doing. You are the victim here, and whatever you need to do to help you and your relationship you should do. But I have family members who tried to make things work for longer than they needed to and I saw how hard it was for them, especially in those last few months after everything came to light but before their ultimate split. Hopefully it's not whats needed here, but if that is what happens, you'll be stronger for it in the long term.

km991148

Mesosally wrote: »

Seen as it’s such a bone of contention, I am a xxxx.. No agenda at all. Honestly more to the fact that I was trying to not make it so obvious should my partner who also frequents these parts, see this post and recognise the story. I also find that the advise changes somewhat between male and female victims.

I think of you ask for non gendered replies then others should either respect that or not reply tbh. If you have issue with a post report it or ignore (which I would do had you not explicitly mentioned this)

On a personal issues forum where the subject of respect is often discussed as well..



Your opening post: I don't think it's unreasonable request but there are unlikely continuing underlying trust issues.

This need to be worked out and I think your partner should be doing all they can to re-establish this trust.
This doesn't mean that you get to control every place they work for the rest of the relationship tho as that's not trust. But for now it seems reasonable to not work with the person if possible until more work is done in this regard.

Loverlyhorse

I really can't give much advice but I would say if I were in your situation, I would definitely feel uncomfortable with that. I would absolutely expect (if we decided to work on the relationship) that they don't work in the same office space any more.

If I was the cheating partner - I would honestly expect to now be single again. If my partner was willing to work things out - I would immediately be looking to transfer to a new job if I care about the relationship working. It wouldn't need to be said , I would consider it a given.

Regarding genders - unfortunately in Ireland and many countries, if kids are involved gender absolutely matters. If you are a woman - it could be suggested you effectively kick him out of the house and demand he continue to pay the mortgage and child support and find somewhere else to live. You can keep the house until the kids leave education.
If you are a man - you are ****ed. You will ultimately have to leave the house and find somewhere to rent while still paying the mortgage. You're literally ****ed unfortunately as a guy, especially if she is acting unreasonable.
She could literally move the guy she had an affair with into the house (unofficially) and as long as the courts don't find out he's there permanently, you'll be paying and struggling. I know people in this situation. I'm sure it contributes to high suicide rates for middle age men.
So I really hope you're a woman. You'll be much more secure.

Edit: as I suspect you're a man, I want to express my sympathy for your situation. I hope if the relationship breaks down that she behaves compassionately and fair. If she doesn't you're in for a very rough time. And based on her behavior so far, I'm doubtful it will be a civil and amicable breakup. Reach out if you need help, don't go through it alone.

Big Bag of Chips

km991148 wrote: »

If you have issue with a post report it or ignore

Indeed!

Backseat moderation is not allowed. If you have an issue with any post, report it.

Dtp1979

It takes one to know one, as they say.

I wouldn’t blame you for what you’re asking. Your partner should be doing everything in their power to reassure you and not make you feel uncomfortable. Of course it’s not going to stop them re kindling anything of they wish but it’s not nice for you to know they’d be interacting in a daily basis.

Pawwed Rig

Mesosally wrote: »

Seen as it’s such a bone of contention, I am a male.. No agenda at all. Honestly more to the fact that I was trying to not make it so obvious should my partner who also frequents these parts, see this post and recognise the story. I also find that the advise changes somewhat between male and female victims.

It does unfortunately. It was obvious you were male at the start as if you were female you get unwavering support whereas men are expected to just get on with it.

I think you are being reasonable here tbh. You need time to learn to live with what happened and having your spouse meeting the person they cheated with every day would be a constant stresser. Also I cannot see you able to mingle with your spouse's work mates again. The question is how far are you willing to go to force the issue.
It is a horrible situation and given that your spouse is pushing back so much you would wonder how much guilt she actually feels. They should be bending over backwards to ensure you feel comfortable at this stage if they were truly regretful

YellowLead

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It does unfortunately. It was obvious you were male at the start as if you were female you get unwavering support whereas men are expected to just get on with it.

I think most posters have sympathised and agreed that he is not being unreasonable? There is no trend in personal issues forum for expecting men to get on with things - I think that is why so many are comfortable posting here

Big Bag of Chips

I think where a partner has already proven themselves to lack judgement and to be willing to cheat on their partner with a particular person, in order to move forward from the hurt they should be willing to accept the consequences, in this scenario that means not being around that person again. You have done nothing wrong. She has. If she is hand on heart serious about fixing your relationship then she needs to be serious about fixing your relationship. How she expects you to be OK with her leaving your home every day to be in his company all day in work shows just how seriously she is taking this.

I found this kind very interesting in your opening post:

Mesosally wrote: »

I decided that I was going to try identify the issues, fix them and save the relationship if I could.

It sounds like you are really trying very hard to be OK with this. She's not trying as hard. She's happy to continue on as she always done, hoping you will forgive, leaving you with the heavy lifting to repair your marriage.

What exactly is she doing/has she done to show she is fighting for this relationship? She's out of work on stress leave. Due to the aftermath of the affair? She needs to apply for new jobs, and not return to that office. Believe it or not you hold the cards here, you can issue an ultimatum. She picks - her job, or her relationship.

By the way, my friend (female) had an affair. Her husband kicked her out. He lives in the family home with their 3 children and she rents a room locally. So it's not a given that the man has to leave his family regardless of who is right/wrong.

Homelander

Your partner cheated on you with an office colleague, and now doesn't see any issues with working alongside this colleague indefinitely, and furthermore, is resisting suggestions of a transfer?

I think you need to step back and have a long think about this. Taking your story at face value, it's entirely clear this person doesn't really give a **** about your relationship or marriage in the grand scheme of things.

You don't need the advice of strangers on this one. Of course you are not being unreasonable.

A person who was even half sorry would've quit the job, found, or looked for a new one....not be protesting that there's no issue with them returning to work with the person they were unfaithful with.

You are worth more than this.