Relationship issues

ElizaBennett

Good luck with the talk. I'd recommend doing out a list of the main chores - he probably genuinely has no concept of exactly what you're getting done each day, especially if you're doing it quietly and uncomplainingly most of the time. It might concentrate the mind (for both of you) to see just how many different jobs there are daily / weekly etc. Harder for him to argue if he sees it all in writing - but do make sure to list the things her does do, especially if you never do them. He might well have an unbalanced view of what weight each task carries. It's tricky to compromise when one person thinks the other's standards are too high and they're too fussy about detail. As others have suggested, it might be time for a cleaner if he's just not going to agree on standards. God only knows what my house would look like if my partner was left alone for a month - i shudder to think as I saw his place when I met him. But if you respect each other and have a calm discussion about it then I'm sure some sort of compromise can be reached.

Xterminator

some wise advise above from ElizaBennett.

+1 to keeping a list of chores performed by both and just sitting down and showing him your list, comparing notes, and asking him if he thinks the share is fair, and he is pulling his weight.

qwerty13

You could get your groceries delivered, instead of either of you having to go to the supermarket.

The ‘one cooks and the other cleans up’ is something that many people seem to use.

You might consider each being responsible for certain rooms. Very obvious very quickly then as to who is or isn’t pulling their weight.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with a cleaner just yet either, but sounds like a very good idea for the future.

Good luck with your chat

osarusan

ElizaBennett wrote: »

Good luck with the talk. I'd recommend doing out a list of the main chores - he probably genuinely has no concept of exactly what you're getting done each day, especially if you're doing it quietly and uncomplainingly most of the time. It might concentrate the mind (for both of you) to see just how many different jobs there are daily / weekly etc. Harder for him to argue if he sees it all in writing - but do make sure to list the things her does do, especially if you never do them. He might well have an unbalanced view of what weight each task carries. It's tricky to compromise when one person thinks the other's standards are too high and they're too fussy about detail. As others have suggested, it might be time for a cleaner if he's just not going to agree on standards. God only knows what my house would look like if my partner was left alone for a month - i shudder to think as I saw his place when I met him. But if you respect each other and have a calm discussion about it then I'm sure some sort of compromise can be reached.

Agree with this, and (if it's not already too late) try to take a 'lets sort this out together' approach rather than a 'stop being a lazy bastard' approach (even if that's exactly how you feel).

TheBoyConor

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

Absolute tosh

What an total and complete sausage.

WertdeerSC

Some people (not necessarily your partner) are just lazy, it's how they are wired and no amount of conversation will change it for longer than a few token weeks if you are lucky. I'm male, mid thirties, WFH. I do the food shopping two evenings a week. I've always cooked all the dinners (I just really don't mind cooking and I'm better at it, ha), in the week I hoover, bleach toilets, take bins out, put washing on, hang washing up, clear away after dinner, even bake bread (kind of cheat as it's using a bread maker!), prep food for the slow cooker after 9pm once a week after other jobs are done as it does two dinners for us, then I can just pour it in in the morning and flick a switch. Admittedly I do more lately as she's exhausted with a newborn baby, before, chores would be split, but I would always, always feel like I wanted to look after both of us and our home (and now our children). And no, I don't need to be cajoled or even asked or reminded to do these things, I'm aware of what needs to be done and I just get stuck in.

dylanchloe

Thanks everyone for all your advice and for listening to me vent.
We spoke this evening, I made sure to make it clear I wasn't trying to play a blame game and acknowledged what he does do.
Then I listed out all I've done and what pushed me over the edge this week, he acknowledged that I'm doing far more than him which was great to hear. He blames work but is going to make an effort. We're going to sit down one of the evenings and do up a list of things that need to be done daily, weekly, monthly etc so that we both know what is expected and where we stand. Please God this will work out. He said I should have spoken to him about it, to be fair when I do get that annoyed I bite my tongue cos I don't want to lose it and make things worse so I'm going to work on my communication skills - or lack of 🀔 just a relief to be dealing with it. X

dylanchloe

WertdeerSC wrote: »

Some people (not necessarily your partner) are just lazy, it's how they are wired and no amount of conversation will change it for longer than a few token weeks if you are lucky. I'm male, mid thirties, WFH. I do the food shopping two evenings a week. I've always cooked all the dinners (I just really don't mind cooking and I'm better at it, ha), in the week I hoover, bleach toilets, take bins out, put washing on, hang washing up, clear away after dinner, even bake bread (kind of cheat as it's using a bread maker!), prep food for the slow cooker after 9pm once a week after other jobs are done as it does two dinners for us, then I can just pour it in in the morning and flick a switch. Admittedly I do more lately as she's exhausted with a newborn baby, before, chores would be split, but I would always, always feel like I wanted to look after both of us and our home (and now our children). And no, I don't need to be cajoled or even asked or reminded to do these things, I'm aware of what needs to be done and I just get stuck in.

It sounds like ye have a great partnership, congratulations to you both on your baby

qwerty13

@OP: That sounds really positive - good for you in speaking up, as I can see that it wasn’t easy for you. I think you approached it perfectly re not doing a blame game, and that can’t have been easy, when I could feel your frustration from your original post.

He does have a fair point on telling him sooner. I’d be a bit like you myself, in that I like to think about things before I respond, and I hate conflict. I still think he was happy being on easy street, being lazy. But good for him in acknowledging that he could do more.

It sounds like things will be ok as long you both live up to your end of it: he takes on his fair share and sticks to it, and you communicate things you’re unhappy about before they get close to crisis point. That’s a good outcome in my book.

I’d suggest not tackling it this weekend - or least not on Friday or Saturday. Try to have a nice relaxed night or two together, then maybe sit down together to do up your list on Sunday afternoon

Neyite

Good stuff OP, glad you had a constructive chat and a plan of action. That's usually the hardest part of the battle.

HildaOgdenx

dylanchloe wrote: »

He said I should have spoken to him about it, to be fair when I do get that annoyed I bite my tongue cos I don't want to lose it and make things worse so I'm going to work on my communication skills - or lack of �� just a relief to be dealing with it. X

Well done, OP. Sounds like a good plan.

It's always good to recognise something like that in yourself, I find.

And he can work on his communication skills too.

It's easy for him to say 'you should have said something.' You really shouldn't have to point out something like e.g. in your opening post, him going off to bed leaving a mess, knowing that you were still caught up on a work call, is an annoying, inconsiderate thing to do.

All the best, it sounds like a good way forward.

dylanchloe

Hi,
I was rereading the advice in the thread and wanted to say thanks and give a quick update.
We sat down and chatted about where we were going wrong. He has made a huge effort to be fair. We both talked about doing some sort of chore chart type of thing but didn't really know where to start so I cut back on doing things and he started to do a bit more. While there is a bit of laziness (on both our parts) I actually think he's quite blind to what has to be done, especially the little jobs that have to be done regularly. So it started with him asking what he should do, I'd make suggestions for him for when he had time, like sweep the hall etc, random things I always did. And he's really helped.
And he's acknowledging what is done in the house, which is also nice to hear.
We're far from organised but it's already made such a difference to me

LilacNails

Love a good aul positive update

jarvis

dylanchloe wrote: »

Hi,
I was rereading the advice in the thread and wanted to say thanks and give a quick update.
We sat down and chatted about where we were going wrong. He has made a huge effort to be fair. We both talked about doing some sort of chore chart type of thing but didn't really know where to start so I cut back on doing things and he started to do a bit more. While there is a bit of laziness (on both our parts) I actually think he's quite blind to what has to be done, especially the little jobs that have to be done regularly. So it started with him asking what he should do, I'd make suggestions for him for when he had time, like sweep the hall etc, random things I always did. And he's really helped.
And he's acknowledging what is done in the house, which is also nice to hear.
We're far from organised but it's already made such a difference to me

I have a 14 year old child and he sounds like he’s 14 too. I genuinely believe that teenagers don’t see things the way we do. If they have to hoover they genuinely think they’ve done a good job but they’ve missed a lot. It’s not intentional at all but some of the blame lies with the parents because we don’t install these good practices and chores upon them at a young enough age.
I get that. I understand how it is for a 14 year old.

I assume your boyfriend isn’t 14 though. I don’t believe an adult who actually cares about things is not “quite blind to what has to be done”. I just feel he needs to put on his big boy pants and get on with it. I did see a suggestion earlier about a cleaner and I think that’s a great idea. 2 full time working adults should easily afford that a couple times per week and it’ll take away a lot of your pinch points bug the only down side would be be won’t wear those big boy pants as much.

I know this sounds like I’m mocking a little but I read your update and it did read like you were talking about a teenage boy.

chattering

Just speaking practically, a search online for "household chores" will throw up some printable lists which may be useful, with daily/weekly/monthly/seasonal tasks listed........The "what", to which can be added the "who" .......