31, just out of a 6 year relationship and scared (tldr)

sunnyt1234

Hi OP,
So sorry you are so upset right now. The average age of marriage for females in Ireland is 34 and in the UK its 35. You have nothing to panic about but you need time to heal and focus on yourself. You need someone to complement you, not complete you. I know you mentioned that you are tied to your job but if you would like to move home it is no harm to put the feelers out. Have you friends in work that you are close to that you could chat to and maybe spend some time with in the evenings or weekend?
Down the line if you are concerned about fertility you could think about freezing your eggs. This isn't something to rush in to and the hormones can drive patients a little crazy but it might help you put your mind at ease. Don't do this when you are so raw but might be something to consider in a few months.
Work on yourself. You sound like you are in great shape and it's great you are seeking psychotherapy. Keep up the exercise and healthy eating and step away from the scales. You don't need to be thinking about that right now and female weight can fluctuate so much during their cycle it might really get you down in the week prior to your period. Spend time outside and reach out to friends and family at home. We are all well used to whats app calls and zoom chats and it is so important to feel loved and supported.
Like others have said take time to grieve. A similar thing happened to my friend when she was 30 and 4 years later she met a great guy, got married and they have a gorgeous little one. The other side is marriage and babies are hard work so enjoy your single time.
Mind yourself. X

Hoboo

There's a book called Who Moved My Cheese. I'd highly recommend it. It's very short but extremely helpful for managing change.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0091816971/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=who+moved+my+cheese&qid=1618559840&sprefix=who+mov&sr=8-1

LegacyUser

It sounds like you are ‘living’ the break up at present, its actively happening since you are both in the same space and its magnifying the break up ten-fold.

OP I don’t wish to be harsh but given your update there is no going back here. In his head he’s left the relationship and wants you out. He won’t give you that hug or tell you things will be ok. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but you have to accept that its over.

You mentioned a big fight and he threatened to kick you out. Whilst I’m glad you managed to calm him and bide your time but you need to get your living arrangement sorted as soon as possible. Its only a matter of time before another fight will happen. You must move into self preservation mode and protect yourself. Yes you loved him but please love yourself more, no one needs to be treated like this.

I think you have seen a different side to him no, one that has a harder edge. Could you honestly go back to him seeing how he has treated you now? No. It’s time to look after number 1 now.

Break down everything to baby steps, the first is to get accommodation as soon as possible. There will be another fight and he may threaten to throw you out again.

What to do next, there are two options here, seek accommodation in that city to stay working but maintain close video calls with family and friends. I hope they know or aware of your current situation, having someone knowing (even at a distance) what you are going through will help. Ask them to check in with you daily, just to get that emotional support that you need.

The second option is deciding to come home. If you were in that city for him only and the job is only so-so then screw that. Don’t stay in the city just because thats where he lives. This doesn’t need to be done instantly but could be a month or two down the line.

Neither of these are steps backs, both are very valid moving forward actions. He doesn’t want to be with you, fine, move out, get a place to live, decide what you want and whats best for you.

Please don’t over think the future such as dating, age, kids, weddings, stop wrecking your head completely, its a negative spiral, plus no one’s life ever goes to plan! Be present and deal with the break up now and deal with those thoughts another day. Its the immediacy of your living situation and the active break up which needs to be addressed.

My best advice rip it off quick like a band aid, hurts like bloody hell but the quicker you do it the better. This sounds like you are slowly ripping the plaster off.

TheadoreT

You havent really gone into any detail about the reasons he broke up with you. Could be vital for future potential relationships to address these if its practical advise you're looking for. People always go with the baseless "it his loss" in these threads without any information when "its his lucky escape" could equally be valid.

Tork

To be fair, it isn't for us to decide where the OP went wrong. She is getting therapy so that would be a better space to explore these things. For now, the most important thing for her is to move on from this particular relationship. She is in no fit state to even think about dating for now. Being single for a while (and being at peace with it) would do her a world of good while she heals from the demise of this one. The person upthread who said she needs somebody to complement her, not complete her hit the nail on the head.

Dandelion_Green above me made a very good point about her living circumstances. She nearly got thrown out of their flat yesterday and there is no guarantee that she will talk her way out of it next time there's a row. It's inevitable that she will be moving out of there so she should take this as a warning that she needs to get moving on sorting alternative accommodation for herself. She should start looking immediately, while she still has the luxury of having somewhere to stay. Finding somewhere to live when your stuff is sitting in black bags in the corridor outside his flat is a completely different matter.

mohawk

OP while my situation was different to yours I can definitely relate to parts of your story. I was living with and Ex and for financial reasons I couldn’t afford to leave as soon as the break up happened as an affordable place to live was hard to find.

I moved back home in my early 30’s with a little boy (moved back to other side of country). I can hand on heart say the fears I had surrounding how uncertain the future was were far worse then what actually happened when we went our separate ways. Should have quit my job and gone sooner.

I did not start dating for a long time after the break up. I focused on myself and my son and one day I realised we were a happy little unit and I was happy and comfortable with myself. My Fiancé and I started dating when I was 33. I had met my ex at 22 and honestly looking back now I can see all the red flags and how unsuitable we were for each other. At 33 I was so much more sure of who I was and what I wanted. I am now 36 and expecting a baby in November.
Don’t worry about dating and a family and all that you honestly have time. Look after yourself and it sounds cliche but get to know yourself. Once you heal from this you will feel ready for someone new. Your first focus is moving out and then delete his number.

bitofabind

Really good point above. My experience with all of these fears you get post-breakup is that the fear of it is so much worse than the actual reality of it. Once you're past the initial heartache and have healed a little bit, you're just living your life again, happy out with your new normal and taking life as it comes.

With time you get perspective and you look back and think, yeah that was never going to work out, was it? And also, looking things in the eye can lessen the intensity of them. I did a bit of therapy post-breakup and a real game-changing moment was getting to the stage of asking myself, so what if I never meet someone? Statistically, it's likely I will. But what happens if I don't? No-one dies. I'll just be living my life, either way. Disappointment doesn't kill us. Sadness doesn't kill us. There's no "failure" if our lives aren't a carbon copy of the "done thing", it's just another way of living really.

Airyfairy12

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like your life has been turned upside down and you feel like all your plans for the future have been destroyed.
Its understandable that you would do this but you are over thinking and its not helping. Instead of catastrophizing and thinking of how terrible your future will be, take one day at a time and focus on healing yourself after a breakup.
Now is not the time to be thinking about dating, children or comparing yourself to your friends. Now is the time to be thinking about you and your health, both physical and mental.

I really feel that youre very dependent on him, youre depending on him for somewhere to live and for support, you have financial insecurity, this tells me youre somewhat financially dependent on him too. My suggestion to you would be to come back home if thats at all possible. Can you move back in with your family for a short time? Could you find a job back in Ireland?

It might make things a little bit easier without the financial pressures and having some support around you. It may give you a fresh start too which you really need.

You moved to that city for him, now you need to move somewhere else for yourself.

markmoto

Ladies. If you stayed 5-8 years together no kids or real friendship...
Nature of men to help you to get babies on board and support while you raise them. They are not guilty, that's how nature designed them to be.

The only way you can grow old together either by having kids or in addition to love have true friendship ignited by hobbies/interests/lifestyle.

Rubberchikken

Mod note

Markmoto

Generalising doesn’t help.

Rubberchikken

markmoto

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Mod note

Markmoto

Generalising doesn’t help.

Rubberchikken

Well, if you planning to live with Men for 6 years without kids I am not too sure you will have a successful relationship.

And perhaps Ladies(girls) in the same boat would think twice

Rubberchikken

Mod note

markmoto

Please read the PI charter before posting again.

Rubberchikken

Airyfairy12

markmoto wrote: »

Well, if you planning to live with Men for 6 years without kids I am not too sure you will have a successful relationship.

And perhaps Ladies(girls) in the same boat would think twice

I kind of agree with this tbf, if youre dating someone for over 5 years and in that time they havnt tried to secure the relationship in some way, they where never sure about you imo. I know couples that split up after living together for 10+ years only for one or both to get married to someone else and have kids within a year or two. When you know you want to be with someone you never question it.

OP id take it as a blessing that this breakup didnt happen in another 5 or 10 years down the line. At 31 youre still young enough to potentially meet someone new and start the family or have the life you desire. Your ex was only wasting your time.