31, just out of a 6 year relationship and scared (tldr)

LegacyUser

I'm 30 and my partner of 5 years broke up with me a few weeks ago.

I've lived with him for nearly all of those years, most recently in a flat that he owns and is currently in the process of selling. Our plan was to buy a new place together, get married (been engaged 1 year) and have children maybe 1-2 years on.

For various reasons, he decided that it's not going to work out between us. This has been quite distressing to me as I really wanted to have children soon and now fear I wont have enough time to find a new partner and acclimatise to them enough to have a kid with them. I hinged my whole life plan around my (now ex) partner and, now that's been sabotaged, it's hard not to feel like my life isn't "over", especially when so many of my friends are homeowners, getting married and having children.

We're still living together and continuing the domestic routine. Once the flat is sold, he plans to move in with his parents for a while to save money before buying again. I'm going to have to rent a houseshare with strangers - a situation I have not been in since my early twenties.

Truth be told, I am terrified. Not just of going back to square one, living with strangers and throwing money away while my ex has a lucrative and cosy path ahead of him. But I'm also terrified of the prospect of being with someone new. I've only ever slept with four men in my life. I've always been in trusting relationships and never had a "casual fling". I went on a dating site recently, had some good conversations with guys but I always back out at the last minute when it comes to actually meeting up.

Part of my fear is body consciousness. I was comfortable with my ex as he's not a fan of skinny women and always made me feel attractive. I'm not fat by any means - I'm 5'6" and a little over 9 stone after some Easter indulgence. So perfectly average. However I have a background of disordered eating and poor self-image which makes me feel gross... My plan is to lose a few kgs over the next few weeks and then maybe attempt to bring myself to go on a date.

Any practical advice for a scared new bachelorette with reproductive anxiety whose just been thrown to the wolves?

volono

Sorry to hear about your break up but maybe it's for the best. Better than having a child and all that would entail.
Take some active measures now to sort things out. You need a place to live for a start. When you do move out and get settled in somewhere new, then you can think about dating again etc.. Your still living with your ex.!!!.Your nowhere near ready to be dating again imo.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Why are you rushing into dating?

Are you over your ex? You've spoken a lot about how your life plans have now changed and your worries for the future and of being with someone new but you haven't said how you really feel about him?

Normally it will take a lot longer than a few weeks to be ready to go on dates or think about meeting new people after the end of a 5 year relationship. People do try to move on of course, but normally it's for the wrong reasons and they then realise it was too soon and they weren't ready at all.

Rubberchikken

It's only been a few weeks so don't be rushing into dating or thinking about it.
You need to grieve for the loss of a 5 year relationship and the sudden end of it.

When the time is right you'll meet someone else.
You've a lot going on right now with losing a relationship you thought was for keeps and a planned future.
Be kind to yourself.

LegacyUser

You poor pet. Your head is all over the place at the moment.

I know how you feel. I experienced the same at 28, living together, together 8 years. Its not just the loss of the relationship its the loss of the future you imagined. It is so tough.

But you are so young and it will all work out. I did the thing you aren't supposed to do and went on the dating apps very soon after. Yes it was way too soon and I definitely wasn't ready absolutely but even just talking to people and going on dates was a little distraction and a confidence boost as my confidence had been shot by the sudden break up. Dont expect to meet the love of your life straight away though. You will be vulnerable and its better to get yourself back to an even keel before dating with any seriousness.

I promise you, you will get through this. Be kind to yourself, lean on your family and friends for support.

I met someone absolutely amazing at 31, we are living together talking engagement and babies now in the near future after a year and a half together. When you meet the right person in your 30s things tend to move a lot quicker.

If you're on Instagram I'd recommend following the blogger dominique nugent or listening to a podcast she did recently. Your situation is so common even though it can feel like you're the only one this has ever happened to when you're in it. And for god sake you don't need to lose any weight you sound tiny!!

1hnr79jr65

DontKnowHow2BeSingle wrote: »

Truth be told, I am terrified. Not just of going back to square one, living with strangers and throwing money away while my ex has a lucrative and cosy path ahead of him.

This part in particular stands out to me, it would imply that you are focusing too much on loosing the financial stability your relationship with your ex brought as he owned his property and you appear to resent his financial status. You also indicate this before you mention about being with anyone else.

Also based on the rest of that paragraph it seems you seriously undervalue yourself. It would be worth looking for some support to address self value concerns mentally and focusing less on what you have lost as you can't undo your ex's decision.

As for the physical, no one can tell you what is right or wrong there, but you need to assess what is right for you as again you need to be comfortable and confident in yourself. Once you decide this, make a plan of action and follow through, once you build a routine it will get easier to continue.

Gekko

Can you move back in with your parents instead of living with strangers and throwing money away on rent?

Jequ0n

Wow, you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
Having a plan or goal is good but you seem very inflexible when it comes to adjusting to changes. Something will always go wrong, even if you have the cosiest home set up (accident, illness etc)

Regarding dating: at this stage you make an excellent target for the people you don’t want to connect with. Dumped/ insecure/ panicking because you hear your body clock ticking.

If I were you I’d focus on standing on my own feet without having to rely on a partner so you can build up your self esteem.

LegacyUser

You're 30 - I know that's as old as you have ever been and I understand how anxious you might feel in terms of having children and time running out, but you do still have plenty of time. "Older" first time mothers are becoming more and more common - my wife was 34 last year when she had our first, she was the second of her friend group (all around the same age) to have a baby, and many of them seem to have had their first baby in the last 12 months between the ages of 34 and 37.

I'm 37 this year myself, and it's a similar story for a lot of people who were in my class in school / college, many only starting their families in their mid to late 30's.

I know, there are still plenty of people doing it long before that age, but I guess my point is plenty of people at your age are child free and take another 4/5/6 years to finally take the plunge, so your situation is perfectly normal.

I wouldn't worry too much about meeting a new partner for now, take advantage of your newly single status to just focus on yourself for a while. A break up is a massive thing to process, particularly for a long term relationship, take a bit of time to get to get back in touch with yourself.

Look after yourself, put yourself first and the rest will gradually fall into place for you.

bitofabind

Of course you’re terrified, this is a lot of change and disruption to your life and your plans. It’s a lot of pain and sadness and now a big gap where your future plans once were. Everyone fears the unknown. What you have in common with most if not all adults who go through a breakup at this stage in their lives is literally ALL of these fears. What if I never meet someone? How can I take such a step back, when everyone else is moving forward and getting married / buying houses / having babies? Am I going to be alone forever?

What you don’t realise now is there’s a bit of a tough path ahead for you and it doesn’t involve “never meeting someone again” or losing a rake of weight that you don’t need to lose or rushing into another relationship. It’s the path of grieving the loss of someone you love and the loss of a life you thought you had. It’s hard, and distressing, and full of tears and pain and fear and sadness. But it doesn’t kill you and it does end. It ends for everyone and it will end for you too, but you HAVE to go through it. Don’t go distracting from it by going on some silly diet or going on a bunch of dates that you’re not ready for. Give yourself the respect and time to feel all of these things that are so hard but also so human and will eventually take you to a better place.

On the practical front. Are you getting support from anyone right now? Family or friends? Would you think about therapy to support you through this hard time? And what’s your timeline for getting out of your ex’s place and going your separate ways?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Of course you are terrified and you are completely overwhelmed. A significant break up like this can throw your whole life into turmoil. Especially one where you had plans and a future together. As the breakup is still so raw and fresh your mind is racing at a million miles an hour trying to catch up with whats happened.

First big deep breaths…

Firstly flip this, its his loss. Don’t look on it as he is gaining anything, he lost you. Repeat that a million times a day to yourself. You sound pretty amazing and deserve happiness.

I’ve listed a few points below which may help in the next few weeks as its all so raw and fresh:

– Gather your friends family and support round you, you will need them.
– The first week or two weeks after a break up, I tried to focus myself since my head was always racing so I made lists, I broke up each day into hourly lists and then daily lists, my lists became weekly and then monthly.
– Right now your decision making will be all over the place, with any key decision ie. what to do next, draw up pro/cons and think each action point through. You mentioned moving out, rent, move back home but whatever you decide make sure it feels right for you.
– Plan for the day when he moves out/you move out, this will be tough moment for you as it will feel like that final moment. Talk to your GP if necessary but make sure you have some support on that day/week be it through friends of family members.
– Try not to panic, that fear of being alone forever, its horrible, I get it and this is all easy to say. But when you are ready and feeling a bit stronger, face it full on. Counselling sessions may help address this and you can make plans on how to tackle it. It does sounds from you post that there may be some self-esteem issues so this will also help.

Your life isn’t over, there are so many guys out there looking for love and in the exact same boat but right now, please don’t even think about going there. You need time to process the break up, you simply cant go pursing another relationship straight away. I do understand that fear, its not nice so make sure to be kind to yourself. There was a life before this relationship. Just give yourself time to process things and get back to you, it wont be easy, there will be good and bad times but a year or two down the line your life will have changed. You will learn exactly what you want but also more importantly what you don’t want.

Please dont define yourself by others, so what if they are getting married, having kids. Its irrelevant right now. I learned over the years, those happy couple with kids always looked on my single life with envy. Also so what if you’ve only slept with 4 guys, again completely irrelevant right now.

Again with the renting, it may feel like a step back but its actually a step forward plus it will be temporary until you figure things out.

You haven’t been thrown to the wolves, don’t look on it like you have been discarded or rejected, it feels like it but flip this. Its hurts like hell but there could be something way more exciting round the corner. You’re only 30, had my break up at the ripe ole age of 43. I survived. :P

I always use this adage through my break ups and all my friends break ups. Don’t let them drive your car, this is your life and you are letting him take the steering wheel. Time to grab that wheel back.

This is his loss. Repeat that again and again and again.

Porklife

This is his loss..this is his loss. I love the post above! I really like the analogy too.
Op, hard as it seems right now and cliched as I'm about to sound but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You're still very young and have ample time to meet somebody new and to have children if that's what you chose. The right guy won't break up with you, he will cherish you and you'll make each other happy. This relationship is over so let the door close on it but know that in time another better door will open.

I have a tendency to jump to the nearest distraction post break up but it rarely works. It's like my minds way of avoiding the actual pain of grieving which is required to move on but inevitably, you need to feel the pain and go through the process before you can truly move on.

I tried every trick in the book to get over my first major break up. We'd been together 8 years and I was devastated. I dyed my hair, I slept with other guys, I drank to numb the pain, hell I even moved thousands of miles away to a new city but none of it worked. I realised I needed to acknowledge the pain and mourne the loss of my relationship and the life we had planned. I went to councelling and worked through my feelings. I cut all ties with him. Zero contact whatsoever and time being the magnificent healer that it is, mended my broken heart.

I realise you live with your ex at the moment and that makes things trickier but once you find a new place, the healing can really begin. You could meet some lovely new flatmates and have a great set up. When things reopen hopefully over the summer, you will go on other dates and meet loads of new people.

Another analogy my sister often says is be the star of your own show. Don't be the weak side character who gets trampled on every episode. Be the strong cool female lead who everyone is rooting for!

Things will fall into place Op, they always do.

LegacyUser

There has been some wonderfully thoughtful and insightful advice in this thread and I appreciate it all. I've decided it's probably not the best time to jump right back into dating.

bitofabind wrote:

On the practical front. Are you getting support from anyone right now? Family or friends? Would you think about therapy to support you through this hard time? And what’s your timeline for getting out of your ex’s place and going your separate ways?

I am seeking psychotherapy but I don't know how long I can keep that up for as financial uncertainty is around the corner. We had a big fight this morning and he threatened to kick me out there and then, but I managed to calm him down and buy myself more time.

Gekko wrote: »

Can you move back in with your parents instead of living with strangers and throwing money away on rent?

I live in the UK and they are in Ireland. I moved to a new city for my ex and I don't really have any supports here. My job also ties me to this city, whereas he works remotely and his parents have offered to take him in until he finds a property he likes. I just feel so alone and thrown to the wolves.

image verification wrote:

Are you over your ex? You've spoken a lot about how your life plans have now changed and your worries for the future and of being with someone new but you haven't said how you really feel about him?

No, I'm definitely not over him. I can't picture a future with anyone else and, despite his flaws, all I've wanted these past few weeks is for him to give me a big hug, tell me he loves me and that things are going to be alright.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

It sounds like you are mourning the loss of your future and the path you saw directly ahead, as much as you are mourning the loss of this specific man. I think this is evident from what you said plus from the fact you started online dating mere weeks after it ended.

Please take the time to build yourself up and to work on your body confidence. I’m the same height as you and only half a stone lighter and am considered very skinny so I would imagine most men would not consider you overweight in the slightest, it’s wasn’t just the last guy who thought that!

Some people so badly want a relationship (whether it’s for reassurance, for improved living situations or to have kids or they just want to be in love) that they settle for unsuitable people and just end up even more hurt. So please don’t fall into this trap. You need time as an independent person.

When you are ready I would recommend the causal flings for a while by the way ...nothing wrong with meeting new people without it getting serious when you have just left a long term. But only if it’s for you, it’s not for everyone.

Since you mentioned your ex being the one to have a prosperous lifestyle - did you contribute to his flat (the one you are living with him now in?) if you did and have been living there for 5 years or more you are a cohabitant, and if dependent or him financially or contributed then you could apply for a small share of the property when he sells it. I’m not advocating that - but in case you did put funds in - don’t be caught short. If you didn’t - it’s not your ex’s fault you need to move to a house share. Lots of people in their 30s can’t afford to buy right now.
I would move out ASAP though - as how can you move on if you are still ‘doing the domestic thing’

You’re still so young - you’ve plenty of time to meet somebody else, don’t worry a tap about that! I’m 36 and still hoping to meet somebody and have a child with them. Figure out what life is like as an independent person before diving into a new relationship. Allow yourself to grieve the end of this as others have said - this doesn’t involve diving straight in with other men. Sort out your confidence first.

Sorry OP your second post changes things slightly, I didn’t see it when I posted mine. You sound heartbroken and that’s not easy. It’s good that you have decided you are not ready for dating yet.
Also....if in the UK I’m not sure how the common law wife/cohabitant thing works.

Tork

Is moving back to Ireland or to where you were based before this an option? I know job hunting during a pandemic isn't ideal but it is doable. The one positive on that front is that more interviews are being conducted remotely, which would make things easier for you. You don't have any ties to where you're living now and maybe moving away would help you.

I don't have anything new to add to the great advice you have already been given. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out but it isn't the end of the world. Nobody's future is set in stone and there could be somebody better out there for you. I think you would benefit from being single for a while because I get the sense that you lost your identity as a person and poured all of yourself into this relationship and the status of being half a couple. In your current state of mind, where you're distressed and panicking, you're more likely to make bad romantic decisions. Taking time out to stand on your own two feet as an individual and to calm the turmoil in your brain is more important than ever.

Jequ0n

Sounds like you have centred your whole life around this one person which is never healthy..
Do you have friends where you live?

Personally I find needy people very off putting and feel smothered when they get too close.

If you can’t be by yourself you have a problem

Porklife

Jequ0n wrote: »

Sounds like you have centred your whole life around this one person which is never healthy..
Do you have friends where you live?

Personally I find needy people very off putting and feel smothered when they get too close.

If you can’t be by yourself you have a problem

They were together for 5 years and she moved city for what she believed was a solid relationship. They were engaged to be married. She is working so not depending on him financially. I don't see how she's being needy.
She's in shock and is panicking, that's natural when somebody breaks up with you. It makes you feel really alone.
I moved country to be with my ex and it didn't work out. I was the one who ended it but I still felt very lonely and scared being in an unfamiliar city living with my ex. I don't think it makes her needy.

Jequ0n

Porklife wrote: »

They were together for 5 years and she moved city for what she believed was a solid relationship. They were engaged to be married. She is working so not depending on him financially. I don't see how she's being needy.
She's in shock and is panicking, that's natural when somebody breaks up with you. It makes you feel really alone.
I moved country to be with my ex and it didn't work out. I was the one who ended it but I still felt very lonely and scared being in an unfamiliar city living with my ex. I don't think it makes her needy.

OP mentions that she has no support network where she is. I would assume that friends count towards that network.
It’s not good and it’s means that the partner is/ has been the only focal point.

It causes huge dependency if you rely on one person only

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

Sounds like you have centred your whole life around this one person which is never healthy..
Do you have friends where you live?

Personally I find needy people very off putting and feel smothered when they get too close.

If you can’t be by yourself you have a problem

That's true to an extent when it comes to certain things, but when you're planning a marriage, buying a home and having babies those are the kind of things that of course revolve around another person.

Even someone with a wide circle of friends, hobbies and interests could feel like their 'life plan' was completely thrown up in the air if they lost the person that they thought they were going to marry, buy a home with and have babies with.

Jequ0n

image verification wrote: »

That's true to an extent when it comes to certain things, but when you're planning a marriage, buying a home and having babies those are the kind of things that of course revolve around another person.

Even someone with a wide circle of friends, hobbies and interests could feel like their 'life plan' was completely thrown up in the air if they lost the person that they thought they were going to marry, buy a home with and have babies with.

I don’t dispute this and I am sure it’s unpleasant but it has happened already and cannot be changed.

Maybe it’s something I can’t understand again but I am a firm believer that if you end up on your ass like this you’d want to ensure you have a safer base that is not based on one person only. But I’ll accept if I’m alone in this unromantic belief

Lesalare

Jequ0n wrote: »

Sounds like you have centred your whole life around this one person which is never healthy..
Do you have friends where you live?

Personally I find needy people very off putting and feel smothered when they get too close.

If you can’t be by yourself you have a problem

I think this is very harsh.

The poor girl has come out of a long term relationship which she thought was a solid, long-lasting one. She's been in it since she was 25 and expected to get married, have kids etc with this bloke. A break up like this can feel, at times, worse than a death.

Most people in 6 year relationships have gotten used to not being on their own.

OP - I feel for your situ. My husband left me after 14 years completely out of the blue and I had moved across the globe for him. A few years later I worked out why he did what he did but didn't make it any easier at the time. I ended up in hospital from the shock of it all.

Things will get better I swear. I sat in my back garden guzzling wine, in bits for the first 2 months. But you have to try and surround yourself with any friends you have. It does get easier. Don't be thinking of dating now. You are not ready and probably won't be really for about a year. You're still going through a very emotionally hard time.

As corny as this will sound I am sure to some posters on here - who don't understand - but this book really helped me. It's an incredibly sensible book and is like a friend to help you through the next few weeks until you get better clarity. Maybe grab a copy and also be kind to yourself. Treat yourself and put yourself first now. You'll be ok and look back in years and thank God you didn't end up with him in the long run. (But those words mean nothing to you now - it's normal) x

https://www.amazon.com/When-Your-Lover-Leaves-You/dp/B000HWYZSY

Esse85

Was this out of the blue or was it coming?

Deep down, is it for the best or do you feel its premature?

Has he any interest in trying to resolve this?

Jequ0n

Lesalare wrote: »

I think this is very harsh.

The poor girl has come out of a long term relationship which she thought was a solid, long-lasting one. She's been in it since she was 25 and expected to get married, have kids etc with this bloke. A break up like this can feel, at times, worse than a death.

Most people in 6 year relationships have gotten used to not being on their own.

I didn’t attack the OP, I just pointed out areas to address going forward. I thought this forum was aimed at advice, not virtual hugging which i am unable and unwilling to provide.

Lesalare

Jequ0n wrote: »

I didn’t attack the OP, I just pointed out areas to address going forward. I thought this forum was aimed at advice, not virtual hugging which i am unable and unwilling to provide.

I never said you did. Just sounded a like advice from someone who can't really relate to what she might be going through and probably doesn't really help her much when she feels like crap.

Jequ0n

Lesalare wrote: »

I never said you did. Just sounded a like advice from someone who can't really relate to what she might be going through and probably doesn't really help her much when she feels like crap.

True. And probably therefore more valuable than comforting which is short term relief only

Lesalare

Jequ0n wrote: »

True. And probably therefore more valuable than comforting which is short term relief only

Which is what she needs at the mo. Immediate support and not a character analysis about her approach to relationships or her inability to live on her own or your assumptions she is 'needy' or that she has a 'problem'.

Jequ0n

Lesalare wrote: »

Which is what she needs at the mo. Immediate support and not a character analysis about her approach to relationships or her inability to live on her own or your assumptions she is 'needy' or that she has a 'problem'.

Not for you to decide though as she might find more practical advice useful in the future. Maybe you should try to push your own demons aside for the sake of the OP?

Unless I missed the memo that this forum is supposed to comfort and agree, in which case I apologise profoundly and with sincerity.

Lesalare

Jequ0n wrote: »

Not for you to decide though as she might find more practical advice useful in the future. Maybe you should try to push your own demons aside for the sake of the OP?

Or maybe you should learn to be a tad more empathetic.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

I don’t dispute this and I am sure it’s unpleasant but it has happened already and cannot be changed.

Maybe it’s something I can’t understand again but I am a firm believer that if you end up on your ass like this you’d want to ensure you have a safer base that is not based on one person only. But I’ll accept if I’m alone in this unromantic belief

I feel like you are taking what the OP said out of context, it's perfectly normal and natural for most people to have their base around one person in a monogamous relationship with plans for marriage and children. In a monogamous relationship you don't have back up plans for partners, you go all in in that relationship with that one person.

She didn't say her life revolved around him and he was her whole world, she said that she hinged her whole life plan on him meaning that he was the one she planned to have marriages, babies and a house with. There's a huge difference.

That's normal and people generally don't have someone else or a 'safer base' to fall back in that context.

In an ideal world people would have financial security and independence and would all have somewhere to live when break ups happen, but that generally isn't possible for most people because they find it difficult to save and so on.

Also many people don't have families they could live with even if they hadn't moved countries, and friends only help to buffer a break up in certain ways, they certainly don't
eliminate the grieving process or help someone get over relationships in a week.

The point i'm making is that she is no less prepared than most people are after they get a shock like this so I don't think it's really helpful in any way to make her feel like she should have been prepared and had a safer base (whatever that means really) to fall back on. As you said it has happened already and can't be changed.

Jequ0n

Lesalare wrote: »

Or maybe you should learn to be a tad more empathetic.

Well I can’t, so I can only provide advice on this level,which I also believe to be valuable.

If the OP dislikes it she can disregard it or express her disagreement.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Lesalare and Jequ0n, please leave it there, advise the OP and it is then up to them what advice to heed or ignore.

I will say however Jequ0n what this forum is for, is for boardsies to come for help and constructive advice on something that is bothering them. Advice is one thing, making digs to an OP (or another poster) is something very different, which is what your 'needy people off putting' comment directed at the OP reads as. If, as you say, you cannot offer advice in an empathetic way particularly when a poster describes their issue as terrifying and distressing or simply without making unnecessary jibes at an OP then perhaps move to another thread where you can offer constructive advice in a civil way.

If there is an issue with the above, you are welcome to discuss it via PM, please don't discuss on thread.

Thanks

HS

sunnyt1234

Hi OP,
So sorry you are so upset right now. The average age of marriage for females in Ireland is 34 and in the UK its 35. You have nothing to panic about but you need time to heal and focus on yourself. You need someone to complement you, not complete you. I know you mentioned that you are tied to your job but if you would like to move home it is no harm to put the feelers out. Have you friends in work that you are close to that you could chat to and maybe spend some time with in the evenings or weekend?
Down the line if you are concerned about fertility you could think about freezing your eggs. This isn't something to rush in to and the hormones can drive patients a little crazy but it might help you put your mind at ease. Don't do this when you are so raw but might be something to consider in a few months.
Work on yourself. You sound like you are in great shape and it's great you are seeking psychotherapy. Keep up the exercise and healthy eating and step away from the scales. You don't need to be thinking about that right now and female weight can fluctuate so much during their cycle it might really get you down in the week prior to your period. Spend time outside and reach out to friends and family at home. We are all well used to whats app calls and zoom chats and it is so important to feel loved and supported.
Like others have said take time to grieve. A similar thing happened to my friend when she was 30 and 4 years later she met a great guy, got married and they have a gorgeous little one. The other side is marriage and babies are hard work so enjoy your single time.
Mind yourself. X

Hoboo

There's a book called Who Moved My Cheese. I'd highly recommend it. It's very short but extremely helpful for managing change.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Who-Moved-My-Cheese-Amazing/dp/0091816971/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=who+moved+my+cheese&qid=1618559840&sprefix=who+mov&sr=8-1

LegacyUser

It sounds like you are ‘living’ the break up at present, its actively happening since you are both in the same space and its magnifying the break up ten-fold.

OP I don’t wish to be harsh but given your update there is no going back here. In his head he’s left the relationship and wants you out. He won’t give you that hug or tell you things will be ok. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear but you have to accept that its over.

You mentioned a big fight and he threatened to kick you out. Whilst I’m glad you managed to calm him and bide your time but you need to get your living arrangement sorted as soon as possible. Its only a matter of time before another fight will happen. You must move into self preservation mode and protect yourself. Yes you loved him but please love yourself more, no one needs to be treated like this.

I think you have seen a different side to him no, one that has a harder edge. Could you honestly go back to him seeing how he has treated you now? No. It’s time to look after number 1 now.

Break down everything to baby steps, the first is to get accommodation as soon as possible. There will be another fight and he may threaten to throw you out again.

What to do next, there are two options here, seek accommodation in that city to stay working but maintain close video calls with family and friends. I hope they know or aware of your current situation, having someone knowing (even at a distance) what you are going through will help. Ask them to check in with you daily, just to get that emotional support that you need.

The second option is deciding to come home. If you were in that city for him only and the job is only so-so then screw that. Don’t stay in the city just because thats where he lives. This doesn’t need to be done instantly but could be a month or two down the line.

Neither of these are steps backs, both are very valid moving forward actions. He doesn’t want to be with you, fine, move out, get a place to live, decide what you want and whats best for you.

Please don’t over think the future such as dating, age, kids, weddings, stop wrecking your head completely, its a negative spiral, plus no one’s life ever goes to plan! Be present and deal with the break up now and deal with those thoughts another day. Its the immediacy of your living situation and the active break up which needs to be addressed.

My best advice rip it off quick like a band aid, hurts like bloody hell but the quicker you do it the better. This sounds like you are slowly ripping the plaster off.

TheadoreT

You havent really gone into any detail about the reasons he broke up with you. Could be vital for future potential relationships to address these if its practical advise you're looking for. People always go with the baseless "it his loss" in these threads without any information when "its his lucky escape" could equally be valid.

Tork

To be fair, it isn't for us to decide where the OP went wrong. She is getting therapy so that would be a better space to explore these things. For now, the most important thing for her is to move on from this particular relationship. She is in no fit state to even think about dating for now. Being single for a while (and being at peace with it) would do her a world of good while she heals from the demise of this one. The person upthread who said she needs somebody to complement her, not complete her hit the nail on the head.

Dandelion_Green above me made a very good point about her living circumstances. She nearly got thrown out of their flat yesterday and there is no guarantee that she will talk her way out of it next time there's a row. It's inevitable that she will be moving out of there so she should take this as a warning that she needs to get moving on sorting alternative accommodation for herself. She should start looking immediately, while she still has the luxury of having somewhere to stay. Finding somewhere to live when your stuff is sitting in black bags in the corridor outside his flat is a completely different matter.

mohawk

OP while my situation was different to yours I can definitely relate to parts of your story. I was living with and Ex and for financial reasons I couldn’t afford to leave as soon as the break up happened as an affordable place to live was hard to find.

I moved back home in my early 30’s with a little boy (moved back to other side of country). I can hand on heart say the fears I had surrounding how uncertain the future was were far worse then what actually happened when we went our separate ways. Should have quit my job and gone sooner.

I did not start dating for a long time after the break up. I focused on myself and my son and one day I realised we were a happy little unit and I was happy and comfortable with myself. My Fiancé and I started dating when I was 33. I had met my ex at 22 and honestly looking back now I can see all the red flags and how unsuitable we were for each other. At 33 I was so much more sure of who I was and what I wanted. I am now 36 and expecting a baby in November.
Don’t worry about dating and a family and all that you honestly have time. Look after yourself and it sounds cliche but get to know yourself. Once you heal from this you will feel ready for someone new. Your first focus is moving out and then delete his number.

bitofabind

Really good point above. My experience with all of these fears you get post-breakup is that the fear of it is so much worse than the actual reality of it. Once you're past the initial heartache and have healed a little bit, you're just living your life again, happy out with your new normal and taking life as it comes.

With time you get perspective and you look back and think, yeah that was never going to work out, was it? And also, looking things in the eye can lessen the intensity of them. I did a bit of therapy post-breakup and a real game-changing moment was getting to the stage of asking myself, so what if I never meet someone? Statistically, it's likely I will. But what happens if I don't? No-one dies. I'll just be living my life, either way. Disappointment doesn't kill us. Sadness doesn't kill us. There's no "failure" if our lives aren't a carbon copy of the "done thing", it's just another way of living really.

Airyfairy12

Sorry to hear this, it sounds like your life has been turned upside down and you feel like all your plans for the future have been destroyed.
Its understandable that you would do this but you are over thinking and its not helping. Instead of catastrophizing and thinking of how terrible your future will be, take one day at a time and focus on healing yourself after a breakup.
Now is not the time to be thinking about dating, children or comparing yourself to your friends. Now is the time to be thinking about you and your health, both physical and mental.

I really feel that youre very dependent on him, youre depending on him for somewhere to live and for support, you have financial insecurity, this tells me youre somewhat financially dependent on him too. My suggestion to you would be to come back home if thats at all possible. Can you move back in with your family for a short time? Could you find a job back in Ireland?

It might make things a little bit easier without the financial pressures and having some support around you. It may give you a fresh start too which you really need.

You moved to that city for him, now you need to move somewhere else for yourself.

markmoto

Ladies. If you stayed 5-8 years together no kids or real friendship...
Nature of men to help you to get babies on board and support while you raise them. They are not guilty, that's how nature designed them to be.

The only way you can grow old together either by having kids or in addition to love have true friendship ignited by hobbies/interests/lifestyle.

Rubberchikken

Mod note

Markmoto

Generalising doesn’t help.

Rubberchikken

markmoto

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Mod note

Markmoto

Generalising doesn’t help.

Rubberchikken

Well, if you planning to live with Men for 6 years without kids I am not too sure you will have a successful relationship.

And perhaps Ladies(girls) in the same boat would think twice

Rubberchikken

Mod note

markmoto

Please read the PI charter before posting again.

Rubberchikken

Airyfairy12

markmoto wrote: »

Well, if you planning to live with Men for 6 years without kids I am not too sure you will have a successful relationship.

And perhaps Ladies(girls) in the same boat would think twice

I kind of agree with this tbf, if youre dating someone for over 5 years and in that time they havnt tried to secure the relationship in some way, they where never sure about you imo. I know couples that split up after living together for 10+ years only for one or both to get married to someone else and have kids within a year or two. When you know you want to be with someone you never question it.

OP id take it as a blessing that this breakup didnt happen in another 5 or 10 years down the line. At 31 youre still young enough to potentially meet someone new and start the family or have the life you desire. Your ex was only wasting your time.