Tell me I'm being silly here

Ash.J.Williams

>>Mod Snip. No need to quote entire OP as it makes the thread difficult to navigate for Touch Site users<<

Not at all melodramatic, you should be spoiled rotten.

Nqp15hhu

It wouldn’t kill him to get you a birthday card! It’s only €4 at most, is he really that stingy?

I agree with the others that I wouldn’t be happy with a takeaway as a present. Total insult.

pwurple

Ellie2008 wrote: »

That’s fair enough if that’s what you want, and I agree a lot of stuff is consumerist these days. However I sense the OP wants to feel her partner has made a bit of effort which isn’t unreasonable.

It's also what she said she wanted.

We were discussing what I wanted to do if possible and I said a night in obviously as I can't imagine things being picked up by then and he said to me that he isn't going to get me anything and I can choose any take away I fancied, I said yup that's cool

OP, you may think deep down that it's obvious you should get x,y,z for your birthday, but you haven't actually said it.

For me, it would be patronising and insulting to be treated like a child, and given something I didn't want or need. Especially if I specifically said otherwise. So it's certainly not the case that ALL Women want gifts all the time, no matter what they say. It drives home that notion that women say one thing and mean another, or that we can't be believed, which infuriates me. Almost as much as the princess myth, or the need to be "spoiled rotten". Cringe.

The passive aggressive "I'll buy my own so" thing isn't a great way to communicate generally either. It puts people in an awkward position... He sounds like he wanted to clear that up quickly.


I wouldn't dance around it. Understand yourself what you want from the birthday and just be clear with him. Don't play games.

Faith

pwurple wrote: »

I don’t see why everyone is so blooming obsessed with adding consumerism to birthdays these days. I take the day off work, have some nice food and my family sings happy birthday. I’m a grown woman earning my own money, I don’t need to be showered with tat to think I’m loved.

God, these threads always make me feel like I must be the most immature person in the world because I 100% want to be spoiled for my birthday. I'm not talking about in a consumer sense, although I absolutely expect a present from my husband. But I want a bit of a fuss to be made on my birthday too. If it was just a case of "pick a takeaway for dinner", well then, that's the same as any other Friday night in lockdown for us.

OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a fuss on your birthday (being honest, in real life I suspect most would want the same), but I agree with the others who say it's a lot to do with communication and being clear about your needs and expectations. It sounds like your partner is pretty selfish in a lot of areas, and this is an example of that. He can't be bothered making a fuss so you just have to be okay with that, as you have been for years. You can't change him directly, but you can change yourself and how you communicate. When something is important to him, you need to start telling him clearly what your expectations are. If he continues to ignore you after that, well then, there's a bigger conversation to be had.

LegacyUser

Wow I read all the replies and I'm surprised at how much positivity I received. I convinced myself that I was turning myself into a possessive demon and ruining the risk of causing an argument over something I thought was silly.

Yes my boyfriend is a lazy git. I've reached a point where its expected of me to just do the usual cleaning and shopping task because I know myself it gets done in the less possible effort way or doesn't get done at all. My friends have said that I'm controlling but in my defence it can't be controlling if your boyfriend is lazy and I physically know if I have to ask him to do something then he will take days to do it or not done at all. Believe me I've lost my patience with him plenty of times and we've had arguments over his laziness. I admit I do sit back and say "ill just do it myself". When it comes to DIY, electrical the stuff I don't have a clue about he will do it and it's handy at that. In his eyes the relationship is "the woman does the cleaning shopping and the men does the physicals". Outdated believe me I know and me and him have had this conversation many of times and I've gone blue in the face trying to explain that it's 2021 now and a little help goes a long way but sure look, I would rather allow myself a peaceful day and do things myself

Many are right in saying, it's not the card physically it's the act of showing he cares. He could buy me a 10c card or a €50 card and it would be the thought process of him giving me something meaningful. The last 4 years I've received money or a gift card, some years with a card and other years it's here's a few bob treat yourself and it's been a take away the day of birthday or brekkie in bed. They were things I liked and looked forward too. Before I came along his Ex and I had a brief conversation about how laid back he is and she admitted that for sometime in their relationship she didn't recieve much either. Christmas one year he gave her bouquet of flowers. No card. No present. No breakfast. You know the little expectations that you don't want to admit you want but secretly you'll love it. What made it worst is she's allergic to pollen and had told him many times when they were together that she can't have flowers in the house. This is just an example of his either laziness or general admittance that he doesn't care too much. The ex said herself that she's been surprised he's even given me anything for birthdays which makes her think that he's changed somehow.

The ex is lovely and like I said I have respect for her so I'm no way upset or jealous that he expects to get a card for her from their son. My point was for some reason his reaction to buying a card for the mother and telling me bluntly that I wasn't going to receive anything and can pick a take away of my choice was pretty much all I was getting. Had I picked the cheapest or most expensive take away would not have bothered him because in the end its usually what he wants because anything I pick he doesn't like. I'm eye rolling here myself. Previous years he's given me the money to pick out cards and presents for his son to give to his mother and I've just done it to save on the "why can't you do it yourself" arguments because they've ended up turning into me questioning if I was jealous or unhappy with him when the general consensus is he's the father he should be doing it himself.

I will definitely be taking up the advice on a poster and saying to him I won't be doing it anymore. I love him and overal its a fairly even relationship with its highs more than lows and this low has hit me for 6. I spoke to him about the birthday treatment and I told him that his lack of awareness and laziness is beyond a joke and he has to get his act together especially buying for his own family. I'm close to his mother and I do like to buy presents for her on occasions and he knows this and I think he just assumes I will head out anyways buy something and claim it's from the two of us my take now from this is if he what's to get something he can get it himself

Ash.J.Williams

maybe draw a line and start the birthday chat again, sounds like things need to be spelled out

Big Bag of Chips

By the way pick the takeaway YOU want. If he doesn't want that then he arranges to get something else for himself. If you're getting a takeaway for your birthday then it's your choice. Your favourite. If you're going to decide on something he likes then he's getting himself a takeaway for your birthday!

Let this be your line in the sand now. Stop sitting back putting his wants and likes ahead of your own. Trust me, from experience. It's OK in the early days. 20+ years down the line it leads to resentment and a flummoxed husband who can't understand what your problem is after all these years!!

It's nice to occasionally put your own feelings aside in favour of doing something for the person you love. You seem to do that a lot. That's good. He doesn't seem to ever do it. That's not good.

HildaOgdenx

'When it comes to DIY, electrical the stuff I don't have a clue about he will do it and it's handy at that. In his eyes the relationship is "the woman does the cleaning shopping and the men does the physicals". Outdated believe me I know and me and him have had this conversation many of times and I've gone blue in the face trying to explain that it's 2021 now and a little help goes a long way but sure look, I would rather allow myself a peaceful day and do things myself.'

That's very convenient for him, and unless he is constantly 'DIYing and sorting out electricals' he has it very very handy indeed, when it comes to the everyday stuff that has to be done. It's a well known trick by the way, to do something badly or take ages to do it so that the person won't be asked again to do it.

Anyway, I'm aware that isn't what you asked for advice on. I'm glad that you did get lots of support here, in relation to your original query.

As I said in my earlier post, and as others have said, clearer communication is really important.
Don't let it build up for ages, because that will cause more damage in the long run, to you, and to the relationship.

Mollyb60

A relationship is a partnership. And saying 'I love you' is meaningless if your partner doesn't show you his love through his actions. If he's not pulling his weight you need to stop taking up his slack just "because I know myself it gets done in the less possible effort way or doesn't get done at all". Chores need to be shared. Imagine if you had kids, would you also be expected to look after them as well as all the other things you do around the house just because it's 'women's work'? Men have got away with this sort of bullsh1t for long enough now. If he won't respond to a simple request then the chore remains undone until he eventually figures out that he's gonna have to do it. I'm stubborn enough that I'd leave every single dish in the house dirty just to spite him.

Ash.J.Williams

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

'When it comes to DIY, electrical the stuff I don't have a clue about he will do it and it's handy at that. In his eyes the relationship is "the woman does the cleaning shopping and the men does the physicals". Outdated believe me I know and me and him have had this conversation many of times and I've gone blue in the face trying to explain that it's 2021 now and a little help goes a long way but sure look, I would rather allow myself a peaceful day and do things myself.'

That's very convenient for him, and unless he is constantly 'DIYing and sorting out electricals' he has it very very handy indeed, when it comes to the everyday stuff that has to be done. It's a well known trick by the way, to do something badly or take ages to do it so that the person won't be asked again to do it.

Anyway, I'm aware that isn't what you asked for advice on. I'm glad that you did get lots of support here, in relation to your original query.

As I said in my earlier post, and as others have said, clearer communication is really important.
Don't let it build up for ages, because that will cause more damage in the long run, to you, and to the relationship.

and somebody mentioned "flummoxed" in relation to us men and it's apt

by keeping all this in your head until you explode will flummox a man so get communicating

sporina

Ok OP, so you said, "You know the little expectations that you don't want to admit you want but secretly you'll love it".. so we are clear on that fact that you do want something for your birthday - just to show that he cares - and that is absolutely fine - and the norm for a lot of us - but this is not about us - its about you - either way, its cool - and you do not need to apologise for it..

So you said you spoke to him - but you never said how he replied..? I would love to know.
Yes I hope you do draw the line now and stop doing everything and I hope that he makes some positive changes..
BTW I can't believe he doesn't let you choose the take away for your birthday - make sure that changes!

You don't wanna end up like his ex - having spent years with him and then wakening up one day wondering why you stayed with him for so long..

You deserve to be with someone who treats you as well as you treat them,.. and again, its not about the monetary value of things - as you said, its the thought..

Think about what you deserve in a relationship, and what you want - and communicate that. If your needs are not being met, well then its time for you to do some thinking.

The very best of luck x

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, his son will learn from his example. So, if you continue to go out and get a card/present for the boys mother then the boy learns, just like his father, that he doesn't need to put any effort in himself and things will just materialise (and he gets the credit for it!).

Do them both a favour and teach them that if they want to give a gift to someone then THEY have to actually get a gift for someone!

Jequ0n

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way, his son will learn from his example. So, if you continue to go out and get a card/present for the boys mother then the boy learns, just like his father, that he doesn't need to put any effort in himself and things will just materialise (and he gets the credit for it!).

Do them both a favour and teach them that if they want to give a gift to someone then THEY have to actually get a gift for someone!

That’s assuming that the child knows/ finds out that it wasn’t dad getting the card. Either way I can’t see how this would really impact the OP’s problem

Big Bag of Chips

Well, assuming the card is from the child to his mother then of course the boy should be involved, with his father, in going out to pick the card. Otherwise he learns, sit back do nothing a card/present will materialise. And it impacts your problem, OP, in the sense that you are the one expected to pick the card so your partner doesn't have to inconvenience himself. Which seems to be an ongoing theme in your relationship.

OP, the card isn't from you. It's not even from your partner. The card is from the boy to his mother. Your partner should buy the card, and involve his son in buying the card. That way he is being taught that it takes a (tiny) bit of personal effort to show someone you care about them. Personally I would stop buying anything on behalf of your partner. If he wants to give someone something he gets it himself. It's a flipping card, they're in petrol stations, supermarkets, local shops. You're not refusing to help him track down some exclusive item.

Katgurl

Omg OP stop doing it all! This is not the 1950's, seriously just stop.

Tell him once more you're not buying the cards anymore, sorry. Remind his son if you want. Or don't. Phone his mother on her birthday if you're close. But let him buy the cards and make an effort.

Why did he tell you the plan for your birthday was a takeaway and no gift. Why didn't he ask? This is horrible, lazy and thoughtless behaviour. Be honest with yourself, if you really didn't want anything you wouldn't be posting here. I'm not sure if you birthday has happened yet but I would be laying it all out for him, calmly, clearly and succinctly.


"We need to talk. I feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I would like some effort made for my birthday, not just a takeaway. From now on, you need to look after cards and presents for your side of the family."

I know it's tough as those sexist expectations still very much exist. When I got together with my now fiance one of the first things his sister did was sende a template for a housework roster for his daughters and I along with a list of a the important family birthdays and tips on what people liked to receive. I was appalled. I simply forwarded onto him and CC'd in the sister with 'think this was meant for you' in the body of the mail.

stuboy01

OP, another important thing about showing proper appreciation on Birthdays and occasions is the example it sets for kids. By showing appreciation for each other on these occasions your teaching the child in the house how to develop emotionally and how to treat their future partner. As other people on here have pointed out, if the kid sees dad doing nothing they will take this into their future relationships. While I know he is not your son, you both have a responsibility to his development. IMO.

irishblessing

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well, assuming the card is from the child to his mother then of course the boy should be involved, with his father, in going out to pick the card. Otherwise he learns, sit back do nothing a card/present will materialise. And it impacts your problem, OP, in the sense that you are the one expected to pick the card so your partner doesn't have to inconvenience himself. Which seems to be an ongoing theme in your relationship.

OP, the card isn't from you. It's not even from your partner. The card is from the boy to his mother. Your partner should buy the card, and involve his son in buying the card. That way he is being taught that it takes a (tiny) bit of personal effort to show someone you care about them. Personally I would stop buying anything on behalf of your partner. If he wants to give someone something he gets it himself. It's a flipping card, they're in petrol stations, supermarkets, local shops. You're not refusing to help him track down some exclusive item.

100% agree with all of this.