Tell me I'm being silly here

LegacyUser · 21-03-2021 1:02am #1

I think I need someone to put me in my place for 2 seconds here and tell me I'm being melodramatic. It's an issue that's bothering me and for reasons I'm sure isn't as bad but I don't want to express them too much out loud in case I look like I'm crying for attention or trying to start an argument.

I am with my boyfriend 4 years and he has a 7 year old son, he's close to his sons mother which I'm greatly appreciative of and I respect the relationship they have. Myself and the sons mother are respectful towards each other so please don't think this is any issue towards her. My birthday is next month and we were discussing what I wanted to do if possible and I said a night in obviously as I can't imagine things being picked up by then and he said to me that he isn't going to get me anything and I can choose any take away I fancied, I said yup that's cool fair dos. In that moment, he piped up and said that his sons mother's birthday is soon and wanted to know if I could pick up a card while I'm in the shops and he will pay me back, that's grand I said. In a jokey manner I asked if I will pick up my own birthday card and he can write in it, his attitude changed completely and he said that had just told he's not buying me anything except for a take away and he wants the same thing done for his birthday. I said I was only messing that I was happy with a take away because as far as I'm concerned birthday's to me aren't a huge deal. I never really grew up having parties or having birthdays made a fuss over so it's never been something I would excit myself over.

For some reason, his snarky and change of attitude to my comment made me think, was he actually being serious in not even buying me a 50c card? Not even a small token gift? Previous birthdays he's given me gift vouchures or a few bob to treat myself and that's absolutely fine but for some reason he was more excited about buying his sons mother a birthday card and firmly expressed that he wasn't going to get me anything but a take away? I know I sound like a selfish 16 year old who's been told they are not allowed to go out. The card for the mother is from the son so essentially it will have a Mammy reference on it

I don't mind if people post saying I'm being dramatic or ungreatful because my head is telling me to grow the F up but for some reason it's been eating at me. I've spoken to him about it and he said that he can't sent his son home without a gift for his own mother which I understand greatly and I don't deny this whatsoever but I'm with him 4 years and I've never seen him get even a small bit excited about giving me a token gift and yeah he nearly wets himself when he asks me to pick up a card. I haven't really spoken to anyone else about this as something is telling me that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill

YellowLead · 21-03-2021 10:06am

First of all, I think there are two separate things at play here and you need to assess in isolation.

It’s perfectly reasonable for your partner to ensure his son has a card for his mother, I gave my son money last week and made sure he was organised for his dads birthday. It was to do with myself and my son and doing the right thing, I have zero feelings for my ex.

What’s a little odd is why he didn’t get the card himself, I would have thought it would be something he would pick out with his son, but maybe they don’t see each other often. But why not buy it himself? Is he afraid to go to the shops or something? Or maybe is it just usual for you to do all of the household shopping, clothes, gifts for relatives etc. for him

Have you clearly stated you wanted a card and a present? Is it for financial reasons he doesn’t want to buy a present ( understandable) and just doesn’t get that a card is important (some people don’t care about getting cards and therefore don’t think others do unless it’s explained to them)?

I guess if he’s not broke at the moment and every other year has gotten you something then it’s perfectly understandable you are questioning things. But it has to be understood in the context of the relationship - you are together 4 years. How are things generally? Usually when people get upset at the smaller things it’s often because they have bigger fears. But I wouldn’t go connecting this with his ex and their son, consider it independently of that if you can.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2021 1:21pm

Yes of course my boyfriend wants to make sure his son has a gift for his mother. I've never stopped this and in fact I've often seen an item in a shop and wuld offer to pick it for her if my boyfriend wants it for Christmas or birthdays. I'm the sole shopper in the relationship my boyfriend absolutely hates shopping. We've tried to go together and it's ended up in fights because his impatience for shopping is next to zero. If there ever was a man who hates shopping of any kind it's him. He's got no problem asking me to pick up items on the food shopping list or a card for his parents that I pick up.

He sees his son every weekend without fail and more often or not always out the back garden or the park kicking around a ball. In the 4 years I've been with him I remember him going into the shops once and that was because his son needed a new ball for when they went out playing. Other than that he usually gets things online if pushing it he will get a gift vouchure in a shop again it's usually a few bob or online. Relationship wise we are fine in general terms we have the odd bicker about silly things but really it's fine. We both work full time at home in seperate rooms for the most part of the day we really don't see each other. Financially wise is fine as well. We've had a mortage the last 2 years and we haven't had issues not being able to pay for things or buy ourselves things that's absolutely fine. Generally when it comes to shops having to run out and buy something he's the epitome of laziness he absolutely won't do it and this was pre covid and when covid hit I'm sure he rubbed his hands in delight when he knew he had a valid reasons to not go into any shops. I would be dying of a flu in bed and he will sit on the laptop and get the food shopping delivered rather than head out and get it himself.

I'm trying my hardest to understand why his attitude and comment is derailing me from the fact that we had a normal civil conversation about what to do for my birthday and then to turn his attitude and get himself jumpy about a present and card for someone else. Like I said its nothing to do with his sons mother and I've all the respect and time for her she does the same thing for my boyfriend when it comes to Christmas and birthdays I know this isn't an action indicated that theres feelings there and its a general thing they do to allow their son to have the sense of gift giving with respect. I know myself I'm being ridiculous and setting myself up for a lashing here but it's like I wanted him to ask if I wanted anything in particular or even say look I won't get you something this year considering what's going on but when it's done and over with we do something else's but he's acting like he physically doesn't want to purchase or do anything and acts defensive when I mention in a joke about buying myself a card and he can write in it

Jequ0n · 21-03-2021 3:53pm

I don’t really get it...
If he is getting you a take away of your choice then he is spending more than that than he would be spending on a standard card from the supermarket.

Regarding the snarky response: you had kind of set the tone there yourself..

Addle · 21-03-2021 3:59pm

You told him you’re happy with the take away. How’s he supposed to know any different?

strandroad · 21-03-2021 4:04pm

TellmeImbeingsillyhere wrote: »

In a jokey manner I asked if I will pick up my own birthday card and he can write in it, his attitude changed completely and he said that had just told he's not buying me anything except for a take away and he wants the same thing done for his birthday.

I can see why you're asking OP, it's an unnecessarily hostile reaction. Why wouldn't he simply say "Well would you like a card then? Lovely, pick a nice one I'll write in it for you", even if it hasn't come up before. Instead he shuts you down like you did something wrong. How much effort would it be for him to write a few nice words in a card he doesn't even need to buy?

Hannibal_Smith · 21-03-2021 4:08pm

Maybe its not about the birthday or the card, maybe you're just irritated that he snapped at you?

I think the joke touched a nerve and he bit back. You're grand with your birthday plans as is...its lovely that hes going to by a birthday card on his son's behalf.

Maybe it was just a couple of cross words?

sporina · 21-03-2021 6:45pm

I know you said your not into Birthdays but sounds to me like you would like him to give you a card... and why not.. you don't need to apologise for that.. its the least one can do.. easy to pay for a take away.. thoughtful gestures are nice.. even a bunch of wild flowers from the side of a road.. signs that someone cares..

Ok so he hates shopping but does he do other things for you? Like in the house? Does he cook? Clean? What ever? Or do you do all that too?

I am wondering if your needs are being met or not.. your relationship sounds v unequal but I don't want to make assumptions either..

21-03-2021 8:25pm

Moonpig.com !

Tell him to buy his own cards in future and if he's any cop on he'll get one for you too.

On the pressie / voucher - you agreed to a takeaway? So I can see why he might have thought that was enough...

LegacyUser · 21-03-2021 9:12pm

I think it might be a case of misinformation or he took my word for saying a take away was all that would do me. I agree with above poster saying Moonpig.com seeing as he buys everything online I would of assumed that he would venture onto one of those websites and ordered a make shift card even for his sons mother but it's like his sense of awareness and spontaneity is gone and has just decided he genuinely can't be bothered and assumes everyone will be alright with it. I know it looks like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here and I firmly agree with posters saying that my attitude towards the buying of the card myself leaded him into snapping but I think it's a matter of saying you had to be there to see his reaction turn.

I'm sure everyone agrees that when they say ah sure I'm grand I don't want anything the simple gesture of a card and quick words show a form of awknowledgment. Especially the previous 4 years in doing so. To answer a precious post about the relationship being one sided, yes I do do a lot of the cooking and cleaning I take the blame for this as my mother was the stay at home type who fell at her husbands feet and I have picked up the habit without realising along the way, I basically do things for the fact that I don't realise I'm doing it all and I taught a simple gesture from my boyfriend to awknowledge that he's either greatful or appreciative of what I do for one day maybe.

pwurple · 21-03-2021 10:42pm

I think I see where you are coming from.

Ex gets a card and you don’t. that might hurt if it’s the issue. But, for him to understand it, you might need to say it that way.

Because that’s what you discussed and agreed, so yes , you could also come across as being a bit silly there, from a different perspective. I don’t expect cards from someone that close tbh, especially if I live with them. For me it’s more of a gesture from someone with a larger separation. But it sounds like because the ex-gf gets a card, you feel you should too.

On the shopping thing, I don’t shop physically much either. I just find it really inefficient a f a waste of time. Prefer a standing order of weekly deliveries. So, I don’t really get what the shop disconnect is. What does it matter if it’s gets delivered or you go commune with the great unwashed. The shopping arrived in your house both ways, right?

the14thwarrior · 21-03-2021 11:40pm

if my partner, who i have a mortgage, said I could have a takeaway of my choice for my birthday, i would be sad. its sad that this is all he can offer. I wonder why this is such a treat? After I was finished being sad, I would be mad.

If my partner would not buy me a card, and i wanted a card, i would be sad.

There is a difference between someone who doesn't like shopping and never does it, to someone who won't do it even if it is for their loved partner.

tbh after four years together, if this routine does not change, i would worry that you will end up being upset; and resentful; and being in charge of the one that shops because the other ones doesn't like it.......
not a great idea.
in my opinion.

Teyla Emmagan · 21-03-2021 11:54pm

I don't think you're being melodramatic at all actually. Your boyfriend sounds like a lazy git to me. You don't seem to be much of a priority here (and he doesn't like to be called on that judging by his reaction). He's making a big effort for his ex but you don't get the same consideration?! We all hate grocery shopping, especially now with queues and masks and protocols. And he has the perfect way out of it, he just sends you along like an eejit while he sits on the couch waiting for you to bring home food and presents for his ex and his parents.

Where is he contributing in all of this?

22-03-2021 12:48am

Your boyfriend is only getting you a takeaway for your birthday? I’d be disgusted with that. I’m not even a high maintenance person but I have standards and I’d expect a lot more thought put into my birthday than that.

qwerty13 · 22-03-2021 5:04am

If I were him, I’d have found your jokey comment about cards as passive/aggressive, if not snarky.

If I were you, I’d find ‘you can choose the takeaway that we both eat’ as very lacking - and I say that as someone who isn’t into making a big deal about birthdays.

I’ve never been in your situation, so I could be wrong. But I’d detach completely from buying stuff that he/his child can give to his ex. Surely that’s his deal to sort out?

I also think you need to be clearer about what you communicate about what you’d like re your birthday. I know you were probably hoping he’d get you a card (and write a proper personal message) off his own bat, but he doesn’t seem to realise or value that. But you’re judging him for not copping that you’d like that.

I don’t think you’re being silly. But I do think there’s a deficit of proper communication in your relationship

Ellie2008 · 22-03-2021 8:06am

Since you asked about the card I think it’s fair to say even though you are not massively into birthdays you would like a bit of effort on his part & that’s not unreasonable. The whole takeaway seems very transactional. Why did he snap? Is he worried about money or he literally doesn’t want the hassle of buying a card. A card & chocolate would be a nice token & dessert for the takeaway.

Do you do more of the work in the relationship than him in terms of food shopping, housework etc. Is there an underlying frustration there?

heretothere · 22-03-2021 11:29am

I'd be annoyed! How hard is a card. I had to tell my husband when we started going out to get cards, but if your bf knows he should get one for his ex from his son he should know he should get one for you.
I don't think you're over reacting. Also he does sound a bit lazy about the shopping. I do the majority of our grocery shopping and when my husband does other shopping even pre covid it was almost all online. But he would do the food shopping if I asked him to, he has many times over the years.

Xterminator · 22-03-2021 12:32pm

Hi OP

It does sound like it is you, that is conflating the two issues.

Take your partners son and the card for his mum out of the equation. ”Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Theodore Roosevelt

now look at what your partner has proposed eg take away, and if it makes you happy or not. If it is not satisfactory, tell him. dont sit and stew. As you said its not a money thing, cards are pretty cheap - so its more about your expectations. You suggest that on past occasions he didnt get a card and it didn't bother you then?

woodchuck · 22-03-2021 4:34pm

OP you sound very laid back about birthdays and presents. But be honest with yourself - do you actually want a birthday present and card? Because I get the impression that you do. And that's perfectly fine! There's nothing wrong with wanting a little effort made on your birthday.

Offering to buy you a takeaway seems like a cop out to me - he doesn't even have to leave the house and it sounds like he's leaving it up to you to order what you want. I.e. it's zero effort on his part. I'd be hurt too if so little effort was being made for me, especially when it sounds like you do so much for him. And it's so easy to order things online these days (including cards) that he wouldn't even need to go near a shop to organise something.

If a card and/or present is important to you though, you really need to tell him that. It's all about communication. If he kicks up a stink about such a minor request though, then you definitely have a bigger problem on your hands.

Meeoow · 22-03-2021 4:42pm

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
I think that you are very reasonable. I would be well annoyed if my partner was more worried about getting his ex a card than he was about getting me a card. My ex never got me a card on behalf of our child, and I never expected one.
You seem very accommodating. You say that your boyfriend has his son every weekend, you are making a lot of sacrifices for him, and he can't even be arsed to pop into a newsagents to buy you a card?

stuboy01 · 22-03-2021 4:44pm

Hi OP,

1 agree with other posters; separate the ex's card and yours.

2, your 'Pressie'. A takeaway. I had a takeaway last night with the missus. it was not her birthday. I'm sorry this just screams 'couldnt be bothered'. if your pressie is dinner, he should be making it. it would just show a bit of care IMO.

I get that B.Days are not a big thing for you, but this is bordering on demeaning.

DonnaDarko09 · 23-03-2021 9:41am

Your boyfriend sounds like a lazy git.
I would be insulted if all he was getting me for my birthday was my choice of takeaway. Fair enough if money was scarce or times were hard but you’ve established that is not the case. He sounds like he just couldn’t be bothered.
Then to add further insult, he IS bothered about getting his ex a card.
I think his turn in behaviour was due to the fact you pulled him up on this and he didn’t like that it was being pointed out to him.
While I doubt there’s anything between him and his ex except to maintain a good relationship for the sake of their son, I’d be having a straight convo about what exactly has upset you here and that you expect a little more effort in the future.

HildaOgdenx · 23-03-2021 11:53am

As others have said OP, you need to be clear in your own head, and to him, about your expectations. There's nothing wrong with wanting a card and a gift on your birthday. Something that he made a small effort with, doesn't matter if ordered online, or a voucher, as you mentioned it has been in the past.
He doesn't want anything on his birthday and that's fine too.

I think your comment caught him on the hop. I fully understand that the card to his ex is from the child, but maybe in his heart he knows he is being a bit crappy and mean, about your birthday, and you actually getting the card for his ex, into the bargain. A takeaway is grand, but that's something you could have any time really.

It's surprising that this hasn't come up in previous years with your birthdays falling close together. But now it has so I would iron out in your own head, how you really feel about it and then have a calm conversation.

If you can't bring it up with him because of how he might react, then it all goes deeper than a birthday card.

And happy birthday btw.

Mollyb60 · 23-03-2021 3:17pm

I agree with other posters that have said the real issue isn't what he is or isn't getting his ex. The real issue here is expectations.

A precedent has been set in previous years that you both do the 'oh I don't want anything for my birthday' dance but that actually you do get a gift and a card for each other (his laziness is a whole other kettle of fish). Unless he has serious financial difficulties at the moment, it's not really ok for him to just offer a takeaway as a replacement gift as it's breaching the unspoken expectations that have been set for previous birthdays.
So no, I don't think you're making a mountain out of a molehill but I do think you need to seperate the 2 issues. Don't mention his ex to him at all because this isn't about her. Can you just say to him that you got upset about the whole takeaway thing because he usually gets you a bit more than that.

Emme · 23-03-2021 4:31pm

OP two things stand out:
1) Your birthday this year, a takeaway, no card, no present, nothing else
2) He wanted you to pick up a card for his son's mother when you were in the shops.

I can understand how that would have annoyed you. You said he isn't a shopper so maybe he doesn't know where get you a present this year with no shops open. Vouchers are no use at the moment and who knows when shops will open again.

I would get a birthday card for his son's mother like he asked, a card with a big "Happy Birthday Mummy" on it that is clearly meant to be given from a child to their mother.

Are you sure he doesn't have financial issues he isn't telling you about? Could he be secretly giving his son's mother money if she is having difficulty? Perhaps she and her partner (if she has one) are having financial problems. He wouldn't want to see his son do without.

Make sure he gets a nice bottle of wine for you to go with your takeaway. These are not normal times and some people are finding it more difficult than others.

Big Bag of Chips · 23-03-2021 7:14pm

Basically, you are "mammy". He is an adult man and you do all the household shopping, including presents for his side of the family.

My advice is to stop. I used to do this with my husband in the early days of our relationship. He had a lot of nieces and nephews and they all bought for all kids for Christmas. So, when I came along it became my job to pick up something for all his side of the family. (I might add, I would be 100% sure they got nothing from him before I came along, but then when I did he'd ask me to get stuff for them) I would be a ball of stress trying to pick up bits and pieces for everyone. Until I stopped. Just stopped. I buy presents for my side of the family, and his family get nothing!

I think I can kind of understand him saying he wouldn't get you anything and you'd just get a takeaway. That's fine. And I can also understand why he feels he needs to get a card from his son. But he needs to get a card from his son.

Resentment is now starting to build as you realise you have to do everything (even buy your own birthday card if you want). But if anything is going to change then you need to be the one who changes things. Because this resentment and upset you are feeling will grow. Every year a few weeks before your birthday you'll go out a buy a card/present for his ex, and you'll get nothing. If you have children he either won't get you anything from them, or you'll have to buy it yourself.

I think you have a right to be upset. It's his complete lack of responsibility for things that should be down to him.

sporina · 23-03-2021 9:27pm

OP you are not being silly at all.. I think perhaps your self esteem is a bit on the low side.. what do you think?
seems to me that your relationship is v v uneven.. you seem to give a lot.. shopping, cleaning, cooking etc.. what does your boyfriend bring to the relationship? I am not talking about monetary terms.. seems to me that do you everything and he can't even be bothered to get you a card for your bday. Has it always been like this? But now, its brought to your attention because of him asking you to get a card for his son's Mum?

Ok lets give him the benefit of doubt for a sec.. could he have snapped at you cos after saying that you didn't want a card, you then make a joke about buying one for you as well as his ex?.. maybe this embarrassed him as he thought you didn't want one?

In any event, you will have to have a conversation with him.. speak up now,. you could carry on like this for years and risk wakening up one day wondering why you settled for below your worth..

I hope you are not being taken for a mug... (and no disrespect to you in my saying that)

and yes, Happy Birthday x

vikings2012 · 24-03-2021 12:19am

Maybe he wants you to think you are only getting take away. Perhaps he has a surprise up his sleeve for you ?

I always pretend to forget my partner’s birthday just to make the surprise better ( I know some people would hate this but it works in our relationship)

If not, a take away would be very disappointing. You are meant to be the most special person in the world to him. He should expect to make you feel special on your birthday.

I hate shopping. I am very lazy when it comes to shopping for presents but I always force myself to go into town for the people I love and want to show some gratitude for.

pwurple · 24-03-2021 7:34am

Lordie , a surprise “forgetting” about a birthday? that would drive me nuts.

I don’t see why everyone is so blooming obsessed with adding consumerism to birthdays these days. I take the day off work, have some nice food and my family sings happy birthday. I’m a grown woman earning my own money, I don’t need to be showered with tat to think I’m loved.

Ellie2008 · 24-03-2021 7:58am

pwurple wrote: »

Lordie , a surprise “forgetting” about a birthday? that would drive me nuts.

I don’t see why everyone is so blooming obsessed with adding consumerism to birthdays these days. I take the day off work, have some nice food and my family sings happy birthday. I’m a grown woman earning my own money, I don’t need to be showered with tat to think I’m loved.

That’s fair enough if that’s what you want, and I agree a lot of stuff is consumerist these days. However I sense the OP wants to feel her partner has made a bit of effort which isn’t unreasonable.

Big Bag of Chips · 24-03-2021 8:58am

If you refused to get a card for his ex what would his reaction likely be?

Who bought the cards for her before you started going out with him?

I know your initial question wasn't exactly about getting a card for her, but it's a big part of your problem. Also, the fact that her TOLD you he wasn't getting you something rather than asking you if there's anything you'd like.

Look, presents, birthdays etc aren't a huge deal to me. I couldn't care less about getting presents and cards. But, I would have a huge problem with my husband telling me to pick something up for someone else's birthday and ignoring mine.

And no, I don't believe "well isn't he getting a takeaway" is a substitute for a token gift. Unless you never get a takeaway at any other point in the year and he only gets takeaway on your, or his birthday.

He TOLD you he wasn't getting you anything. He didn't give you much choice to say "well I'd actually like you to get me at least a card". He then TOLD you to buy a card for his ex.

It's all about him, isn't it.

Tell me I'm being silly here

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