What to do next?

leggo

TheadoreT wrote: »

I grew up in a house where my dad did and got away with all sorts. My mother never left(did anyone back then?), perhaps partly for financial reasons, catholic guilt among others. But there was always resentment and tension and as kids you really feel it strongly. When this is sustained over years it leaves a lasting impact that takes a lot of work to shake off. Not for a second saying separation is easy on kids either, but if you can settle into a happier coparenting routine it won't have nearly as bad an impact.

I’m sorry that happened to you and I’d say there’s merit to what you say and sharing your story. But your life is not the OP’s, even the Ireland you lived in then isn’t the same either. We need to try and separate our own emotional reaction to incidents we’ve experienced as best we can and accept that we’re just here to offer advice and it’s the OP’s life to live, even if you feel it’s the wrong course of action.

Neyite

It's a very good point to be mindful of the tension in the house. We underestimate greatly what children pick up. I remember my parents - even when they were pretending it was grand you just knew when they had had a row.



It's worth having a statement up your sleeve that's age appropriate to ease any fears kids might internalise or vibes they might pick up rather than pretending all is well and not fooling them at all, but making them more worried in the long run -even if it's "mam and dad are figuring out some grown up stuff, but don't be worrying, we are working hard to sort it out"

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I’m so sorry to hear what he did to you. Do you know why he suddenly confessed? I think that is important. Was someone blackmailing him or did he get a sudden sense of remorse and guilt for what he did?

From my own experience, my ex did less than your husband. I tried to forgive and move on as you are now doing. But the trust was ultimately never regained. The woman he cheated with was someone he had to keep in his life, in contact every day and I couldn’t handle it.
In the coming months, it turned me into a monster. The paranoia and sadness would ultimately end in huge fights between us. This was truly awful for the kids involved. Nearly two years of this and I finally walked.
In truth, the trust was gone in the relationship for good after what he did but I took a sledge hammer to our relationship after that and it’s something I will forever be ashamed of. I wish I’d have handled things better and left after I found out about them.
Every relationship is different but if you think this isn’t working after 6 months of therapy and it’s the kids who are paying the price, splitting up may be the best thing to do for your family.

Katgurl

Hi OP,


I only read the thread now and unfortunately was not surprised to read the update. I think your husband has revealed himself to be deceptive and unreliable; the dripfeed of the betrayal almost as bad as the betrayal itself. Why did he tell you about the texts? Had she threatened to show you the evidence?


Despite all that, I have no judgment about your decision to give things a go. At this stage you are still processing the information. Please remind yourself though that this is not a binding contract - you can change your mind whenever you want.