What to do next?

LegacyUser

Hi all. Looking for a second opinion on something and can’t ask my mates as they are too close to the whole situation.

Recently the hubby admitted to me that he had been texting another woman on and off from his past, he claims he didn’t initiate the contact. He claims that the texts while a bit flirty and could have possibly went on to more bit didnt and weren’t anything to worry about. He makes out that it was just a bit flattering in a time he was feeling down. He is sorry that they happened and has ceased contact. There is no proof of this as he deleted his messages. He is being very cagey to admit as to who was texting him but I know he will eventually tell me. I’m pretty sure but not 100% that nothing happened so would hate to throw away all the happy years together.

Knowing that he will eventually tell me who it was, is it a good idea to confront that person to get their side of the story? This person of my hunch is right is also married so if true it puts me in a little better position to demand the truth or I threaten to have a chat with her husband.

Or do I let sleeping dogs lie and try to get on with rebuilding this relationship?

Or something else?

Jequ0n

So you are considering contacting someone who you suspect to be the secret text affair but you have no evidence?
You will look like a right fool if you go fishing like this without anything to back up your suspicions. I’d say leave it until you have something concrete

osarusan

Whatever happens between you and your husband, confronting somebody who you (only) have a hunch is the woman he is texting is going to cause serious damage to you if you are wrong.

WertdeerSC

Just wondering if you have thought why exactly he'd just come out with this information and tell you? If that is what happened? That's how it reads. If it's nothing, why mention anything at all? Presumably there was enough there that he had feelings of guilt which were relieved when he told you. I personally don't understand why anyone in a relationship would be texting someone else in this sort of a way. It would be a shame to throw away everything you have over a few messages, albeit deleted messages (what's being hid?) but it all links into trust which is something you have to have in a relationship. Let him know that the truth will out in the end and to have enough respect for you to tell you all of it now. Demand it.

LegacyUser

Sorry, should have made it clearer. I won’t be contacting anyone until he tells me who it was. I have a hunch but as foolish as can be at times I’m not about to make a fool of myself. Whenever I make my move I will have my facts correct, nor will I tell him what I’m doing so as not to give them the chance to straighten out their stories.

Taeholic

I wouldn't confront the other person, apart from the fact you have no proof other than a feeling. The only person you need to have a conversation with right now is your husband.

Any idea why the sudden confession? Did you have a feeling before he told you? Also do you trust him now? You know him and your relationship better than anyone.

Can you get past this if he comes clean about the entire situation and it turns out he is telling the truth? If yes then find a time you won't be interrupted and have that conversation. He should respect you enough to give you that much considering he confessed in the first place. Then you need to decide if you want to work on your relationship, depending on what the truth is of course.

LegacyUser

Well it was a betrayal and breach of your trust so if he wants to build that up again he needs to tell you who it was was he was talking to if you want to know, you shouldn't have to wait until he decides to tell you.

I wonder did the womans husbands find the messages and either she let your partner know or the womans husband confronted/threatened him? and that's why it stopped and he owned up?

Zebrag

Hi OP

I just read your thread and it beats other threads about husbands and wives finding out their spouses are flirting with someone else and hiding it so for your husband to come out and admit this, I'm gathering that the person he was chatting too was willing to give more information to you than he wanted. Whether he really had a change of heart and realised what he was doing wasn't right or whether the situation was going to come out regardless, I hope it has put at you at ease.... somewhat.

Now, your husband has admit this and whether you want to let him take his time in admitting who it was he was texting, that's leaving him room to think of reasons, validations, excuses and so forth. Personally, I would be demanding who it was from him if yourself had an inking. This however could change and turn out to be someone who don't know and someone way back from the past and there's no point in confronting this person. Your husband is a married man, to you, with his own mind and body to use responsibly (and using his head logically would know as as a married man flirting with another woman is probably not the highest positive on his wife's list) and that would incline to me that in fact your husband knows truly what he done was wrong and knows the consequences could be dire if he was to admit who it was.

This being said, confronting the other woman, regardless if you know her or not, doesn't change the fact that your husband still went out of his way to text and flirt with this woman and delete the messages, it doesn't matter who started it and who finished it. I wouldn't be putting the blame on her too much as to say, she's obviously selfish knowing the man she's texting is married. Again, you've no idea what he's been telling this woman and she could be none the wiser to know exactly who and what type of person you are but again, she could be someone that you know well and is just spiteful. I think count yourself lucky you don't know exactly what he's saying as heartbroken as you are now, multiply that by 100 and situations would be a lot worst.

At the moment, I would still be eager to find out exactly why, when, how and what. I wouldn't even compare yourself to the other woman or why he felt the need to continue the flirting charade. He happily continued, that would be my ending bet. I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of him knowing you might have an inkling. As far as your concerned, this is your marriage and your husband done the complete opposite of what a marriage entitles.

If you want to push this further and you love him enough to work past this, suggesting marriage counselling might help get to the bottom of this situation but from an outsider, and reading your post, it seems like it was a once off thing that your husband felt he got attention elsewhere and it escalated and taught he was being dutiful in letting you know. It's up to you to accept this or not.

To answer your post, at the minute I would be focusing on the whys and how's of your husband and his change of attitude before you jump the gun to confronting this woman. For all you know they could start playing the blame game and it becomes more of an effort than it already is. When situations have calmed down and you and your husband have spoken and you still want to confront this woman and ask her why she taught it was acceptable then by all means do so but remember, keep level headed and hold your head up high. You might feel like your whole world has crumbled at the minute and say and do the wrong things but reminding yourself that you're not to blame yourself for X, Y or Z. You're to remind yourself that your husband is at fault and it's for him to pick up the pieces and let YOU decide what's best, not him.

Good luck OP :-)
.

PetitPois89

This is between you and your husband. Leave the other woman to look after her own c**p. Concentrate on your own relationship and building the trust back up

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I didn’t do anything yet as things took an unexpected twist last night. Turns out he cheated on me and not only once but 4 bloody times, all of which when I was sick in hospital.

Claims hes sorry and wants to try move things on for the sake of the children. My mind is doing a lot of strange things right now

Dog day

Hi OP, I think to give context it would help to know what preceded his confession? I’m struggling to understand why he’d suddenly admit this transgression. Enough to break trust, yes, but not heinous enough for most people to end a marriage. Yes, it’s absolutely disloyal, but I can’t help thinking there’s more to this. It’s telling that there’s someone you have a hunch about...why this particular person? I hope I’m wrong.

As for contacting the third party, as some previous posters have said...absolutely don’t do this, invest your energy into delving deeper with your husband (if you now feel it’s necessary) & then the long road to rebuilding trust.

Loveinapril

Deisegirl90 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I didn’t do anything yet as things took an unexpected twist last night. Turns out he cheated on me and not only once but 4 bloody times, all of which when I was sick in hospital.

Claims hes sorry and wants to try move things on for the sake of the children. My mind is doing a lot of strange things right now

Oh you poor thing. That must have been a right shock when you thought you were "just" dealing with a text relationship. I wonder was someone pressuring him into telling you or they would. It all seems quite sudden. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Look after yourself.

Zebrag

Deisegirl90 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I didn’t do anything yet as things took an unexpected twist last night. Turns out he cheated on me and not only once but 4 bloody times, all of which when I was sick in hospital.

Claims hes sorry and wants to try move things on for the sake of the children. My mind is doing a lot of strange things right now

Jesus that's f**king awful!

OP I wish I had words that could take it away.

I don't know him personally but this sudden admittance and then other follow ups, I genuinely think someone was going to out him and he wanted to get in there and tell you first, "to save face". It makes no difference to you as obviously you're upset and I really don't blame you at all. He has no valid reasons or excuse that condone his behaviour and I'm not sure what he can do to help fix this.

I would question once as a means to find out what's going on but 4 times while you were ill. I've no words

Dog day

Apologies OP, I didn’t see your update when I originally posted. Really sorry to hear this. It’s not a time to make any decisions now, my heart goes out to you.

Jim Root

Mind yourself OP. You can’t rely on anything this mans says to you.

PetitPois89

My heart goes out to you OP, that’s really horrible. Take your time deciding what’s best for you

Taeholic

Deisegirl90 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I didn’t do anything yet as things took an unexpected twist last night. Turns out he cheated on me and not only once but 4 bloody times, all of which when I was sick in hospital.

Claims hes sorry and wants to try move things on for the sake of the children. My mind is doing a lot of strange things right now

So sorry to hear this update. I'm sure you were and still are shocked by his full confession. 4 times is bad enough but you being sick in hospital really makes it worse. You were vulnerable and needed his support more than ever.

I wouldn't rush into making any decisions until the shock wears off and you can think clearly. I'm sure your head feels like it's exploding, you don't have to do anything right now other than take care of yourself and your children. I would tell him you need time to process this.

Goodigal

OP I'm so very sorry to read your update. Things must have been going to be exposed and he knocked you sideways with his real confession. I've had that kick in the gut. I hope you are ok but I know it's going to take a long time to get your head around this. So very sorry to read this. Tough times ahead deciding what's best for you. Sending hugs x

leggo

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through OP.

Right now keep in mind you’re going to be going through shock at hearing this. That means your brain will start going haywire trying to reconfigure and get back to a sense of normality and comfort that you likely won’t be able to reconcile (for now) with this betrayal. These are all perfectly normal feelings so please don’t overreact to your mind doing funny things. It’d be weirder if it wasn’t and you just took this in your stride.

Being able to relate a bit to what you’re saying, my own experience is that allowing for and accepting that things won’t be normal for a while but committing to knowing that you’ll be okay again one day is a great first step. Take your time to process everything and get your head around it. If you feel like making big decisions, you’re more than entitled to and don’t feel bad for doing so, but also if you don’t then that’s okay too and you don’t need to feel under pressure to do anything until you’ve got your head around it. Be good to yourself. When possible try to eat things you really enjoy or do things that bring you happiness to distract yourself when you need it. Don’t feel like you have to sit all day and torture yourself with this going round and round your head, your brain will get wherever it needs to be in time.

Whatever happens, there will be another side to this where the feelings aren’t intense and you’ll see it as a memory that happened once in your life with lessons you learned along the way, I promise you. The period now is just about figuring out what’s next and gently healing in your own time which, again, you will. Good luck OP and I’m sorry to hear that again.

Neyite

Deisegirl90 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I didn’t do anything yet as things took an unexpected twist last night. Turns out he cheated on me and not only once but 4 bloody times, all of which when I was sick in hospital.

Claims hes sorry and wants to try move things on for the sake of the children. My mind is doing a lot of strange things right now

I'm so sorry to hear that - it must have been like a grenade in your life.

Look - he's had ample time to sort out his conscience, justify what he did, all of that. This is new to you. And don't be pressured into making a decision based on his timeline or on him dropping the kids into it - he had zero regard for them when he cheated four times.

You can take all the time you need for this. That will be months or even years and even then, what you had might be too shattered for either of you to get back to where you used to be.

So, right now - it's ok to have no answers. It's ok to say you need time to process this and it's ok for you not to be able to give a timeline for when you'll feel better. If he REALLY wants to prove he's sorry he needs to be blisteringly honest about everything. Every question, everything. Then you get to decide what you want to do with this.

Lastly, remember this - YOU are not, and will not be responsible for breaking up the family or the marriage, or the effect on the kids should that happen - HE is. He did that when he chose to cheat. Whether you were aware of it or not, this is on him. Not you. He did that when he crossed the line and did something with a person outside of your marriage that he knew would hurt you and damage your marriage.

Wishing you strength for the months ahead.

heretothere

That is awful you poor thing. Your mind must be all over the place. I don't have any advice for you. When it was "just" the texts I'd have been annoyed this is a whole new level.

Can you ask him to leave for a few days? I know it's not so easy with lockdown. Before you decide what to do he needs to tell you everything and be completely truthful. Was it 4 women? Or 4 times with the same one? Can he possibly ever be trust worthy again? Did he only tell you because he was going to be caught out?

It's going to be hard what ever you decide. Wish I could give you a massive hug x

LegacyUser

Hi. Thanks for all your comments. It has indeed been a manic few days and I’m sure there are loads more to come. Having sat down and discussed this at length we decided that we are going to try out this behind us and move on. There is a lot at stake here and we both owe it to each other to at least try everything possible to make it work.

While I don’t for one second condone it or intend to leave him off easily he is still the man I love and while this might cloud my judgement somewhat I still think that it’s the right thing to do. We have set out boundaries of what is not ok and he has agreed to them and even though it will take me a long time to regain my trust in him I think he has realised that a momentary fling is not worth loosing everything for. Sadly on open discussion there are things I need to improve and also stuff he needs to change too and in part maybe if we had been more open then it might not have ever happened. Being together for so long I suppose made us take each other for granted and with the whole lockdown thing has taken our little alone time that we used to have if we needed it.

Whether or not he thinks I am being soft by letting him back? Well only time will tell but it has been made very clear that should it happen again then there is no discussion whatsoever.

If anyone has any tips on rebuilding trust I would love to hear them.

Neyite

I've no advice except that it takes time.



A couple I know were in a similar situation. And I know that the affair was deeply regretted and it caused them both to take a look at themselves. They did counselling, and the person who had the affair did counselling on their own. But even then it floundered after the initial positive phase. It's the day to day stuff - every time the phone would ping or a town was mentioned or someone the same name as the affair person it was a trigger that brought unwelcome reminders. They split for a good few months, then tried again. But last I heard they'd split for good. And I know they really did try.



So I'd suggest counselling for you (because you need to be able to process your feelings as they evolve) but also for you as a couple. This isn't going to be easy, or quick. In fact it's the hardest path in lots of ways so expect the recovery from this to be months or years even not weeks.

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest OP you have to do what you have to do.

But frankly, if it was a drunken kiss maybe I could understand. But he's cheated on you 4 times and while you were in hospital. That's takes planning, sneakiness and plenty of time to think back with guilt and remorse if he was bothered.

Not only that but you say if you had worked on some stuff it might have never happened. I don't know whether you are fooling yourself or he filled you with bluff.

Unfortunately I don't see this ending well at all. All the same best of luck.

leggo

OP the one thing I’ll say is don’t feel bound by what you’ve agreed now if you change your mind down the line.

When I learned I’d been cheated on, I wasn’t ready for how I’d feel afterwards at all. If you’d have asked me beforehand, I’d have told you I’d have been out the door before they even finished the sentence and never spoken to them again. In reality, it was beating myself up wondering what I’d done wrong, trying to see if we could fix it and get to some resolution so I had a plan going forward now everything had been ruined. You can’t just click your fingers and stop loving someone. It’s not straightforward and doesn’t feel natural or sensible to just throw away everything you’ve built and planned for. It’s so much easier to just try and forget it happened because it’s such a devastating revelation that destroys everything and absolutely can’t be taken back. I thank god now that I made the right decisions at the time, even though I wasn’t ready for them emotionally, because I was in that much of a state I easily could’ve gone the other way.

So I won’t judge you or disagree with you for trying to make it work. I’d just advise you to acknowledge that you may feel differently in a week/month/year and, if you do, that you should never feel pressured into going along with trying to fix a relationship that you agreed to while in an emotional, vulnerable state. He made his decisions and didn’t think of you when he did. So if you make a different decision down the line, he has no right to feel hard done by.

TheadoreT

I'm not sure you've fully processed this yet, what he's done is the lowest of the low.

Feels like there's elements of him gaslighting you here as you're almost taking some of the blame for what he did when in reality theres absolutely no excusing it. Its the classic cheaters playbook.

How could you possibly ever trust him again? You'll turn into a person you won't like. You'll be justifiably paranoid any time he's out alone, or gets a text or acts a bit off. Even if jealousy isn't in your nature this will naturally turn you into a needy and anxious mess. It's a one way route to absolute mental health and self worth ruination.

He cheated on you multiple times while you were in hospital. Anyone with the capacity to do that is extremely likely to do it again and there's zero grounds for trusting him ever again, none.

Your kids deserve a role model who is strong and has convictions. This will only ever be possible by rebuilding without this man.

Goodigal

I agree with the previous poster. He's done the dirt, but somehow you have admitted in conversation that you are part of the problem. This is not the case. You were in hospital while he was having some fun with an old flame. That's the reality of it. My ex tried to place the blame on me for him engaging on an affair in work. Well I can tell you for certain that I had no part in it!

Please go and seek counselling for yourself, and don't try to change yourself because of what he did. You sound like a lovely trusting person, whose resolve is going to be forever tested by this man as a result of his actions.

Take care of yourself

LegacyUser

I hear ye when ye say that the route I’ve chosen may not be the right one to take, to be honest I hope that it is but there is always a 50/50 chance it’s the wrong one. In essence if there is even a small chance of this working then I think I owe it not only to myself but also the family that we have, not to mention our extended family who also have/had to deal with the fallout from this.

From my last post I maybe let it seem that I was feeling some way responsible for this and apart from not noticing or ignoring the signs that we were having issues, I have no guilt that this was anything to do with me. We are arranging counselling and hopefully this will help identify our issues, assuming he doesn’t decide to lie there and tell them what he thinks is best to take the heat off himself.

After our long discussion the other day, I do believe that he is sorry and ashamed of what happened, the ins and outs of it we are still talking through but I’m beginning to see a picture emerging of how and why even if I don’t agree with it. Since then things have been really good between us and there have been a lot of heart to heart conversations where we opened up about things that we wouldn’t have before. Still doesn’t make up for what’s done but maybe it’s a sign that there is a openness there to make this an honest and trustworthy fresh start. Will he ever be trusted again? Well I’m hoping that in time he can but as we all know it’s easier and easier nowadays to cover your tracks and let’s be fair if he decided to do it again he’ll be a lot more prepared to cover his tracks. This is my biggest worry.. it’s easy to tell someone that they can open up your phone/ social media etc anytime but if the damage is already deleted it’s of no consequence.

Maybe things are not meant to be and if so it will show quickly enough and then I can walk away with a clear conscious that I did everything that I possibly could to save what we had. It’s a lot to walk away from but if I have to I will.

TheadoreT

You don't owe anybody anything by staying with him. If anything the opposite. He's the only one that prospers, he's been given the green light to have his cake and eat it. He doesn't respect you, that doesn't return, don't judge him on his words, his actions spoke far louder. He could also very likely some day leave you for this or another woman and the hurt of that will be even greater.

I think you're avoiding a great short term pain for yourself and your kids here but in turn adding a much more prolonged and damaging one.

leggo

TheadoreT wrote: »

I think you're avoiding a great short term pain for yourself and your kids here but in turn adding a much more prolonged and damaging one.

It’s not your life and they’re not your kids, though. You made this point beforehand and, if the OP chose to ignore it, that’s her prerogative. I don’t even necessarily disagree with what you’re saying but even if you’re right and it is a mistake...people learn and grow through making mistakes. Some topics, like cheating, can be emotionally triggering but we can’t bring that to a thread and lecture people about how they raise their children. If they choose to go their own way, that’s their choice.

TheadoreT

leggo wrote: »

It’s not your life and they’re not your kids, though. You made this point beforehand and, if the OP chose to ignore it, that’s her prerogative. I don’t even necessarily disagree with what you’re saying but even if you’re right and it is a mistake...people learn and grow through making mistakes. Some topics, like cheating, can be emotionally triggering but we can’t bring that to a thread and lecture people about how they raise their children. If they choose to go their own way, that’s their choice.

I grew up in a house where my dad did and got away with all sorts. My mother never left(did anyone back then?), perhaps partly for financial reasons, catholic guilt among others. But there was always resentment and tension and as kids you really feel it strongly. When this is sustained over years it leaves a lasting impact that takes a lot of work to shake off. Not for a second saying separation is easy on kids either, but if you can settle into a happier coparenting routine it won't have nearly as bad an impact.

To stay in a toxic situation that’s destined to fail is making a choice to not only put your own mental health under severe strain, but also the kids too, and they're far less equipped to deal with it.

Jequ0n

TheadoreT wrote: »

I grew up in a house where my dad did and got away with all sorts. My mother never left(did anyone back then?), perhaps partly for financial reasons, catholic guilt among others. But there was always resentment and tension and as kids you really feel it strongly. When this is sustained over years it leaves a lasting impact that takes a lot of work to shake off. Not for a second saying separation is easy on kids either, but if you can settle into a happier coparenting routine it won't have nearly as bad an impact.

To stay in a toxic situation that’s destined to fail is making a choice to not only put your own mental health under severe strain, but also the kids too, and they're far less equipped to deal with it.

So did many of us but it’s entirely up to the OP to decide how she wants to deal with the situation even if you don’t like the approach.

leggo

TheadoreT wrote: »

I grew up in a house where my dad did and got away with all sorts. My mother never left(did anyone back then?), perhaps partly for financial reasons, catholic guilt among others. But there was always resentment and tension and as kids you really feel it strongly. When this is sustained over years it leaves a lasting impact that takes a lot of work to shake off. Not for a second saying separation is easy on kids either, but if you can settle into a happier coparenting routine it won't have nearly as bad an impact.

I’m sorry that happened to you and I’d say there’s merit to what you say and sharing your story. But your life is not the OP’s, even the Ireland you lived in then isn’t the same either. We need to try and separate our own emotional reaction to incidents we’ve experienced as best we can and accept that we’re just here to offer advice and it’s the OP’s life to live, even if you feel it’s the wrong course of action.

Neyite

It's a very good point to be mindful of the tension in the house. We underestimate greatly what children pick up. I remember my parents - even when they were pretending it was grand you just knew when they had had a row.



It's worth having a statement up your sleeve that's age appropriate to ease any fears kids might internalise or vibes they might pick up rather than pretending all is well and not fooling them at all, but making them more worried in the long run -even if it's "mam and dad are figuring out some grown up stuff, but don't be worrying, we are working hard to sort it out"

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I’m so sorry to hear what he did to you. Do you know why he suddenly confessed? I think that is important. Was someone blackmailing him or did he get a sudden sense of remorse and guilt for what he did?

From my own experience, my ex did less than your husband. I tried to forgive and move on as you are now doing. But the trust was ultimately never regained. The woman he cheated with was someone he had to keep in his life, in contact every day and I couldn’t handle it.
In the coming months, it turned me into a monster. The paranoia and sadness would ultimately end in huge fights between us. This was truly awful for the kids involved. Nearly two years of this and I finally walked.
In truth, the trust was gone in the relationship for good after what he did but I took a sledge hammer to our relationship after that and it’s something I will forever be ashamed of. I wish I’d have handled things better and left after I found out about them.
Every relationship is different but if you think this isn’t working after 6 months of therapy and it’s the kids who are paying the price, splitting up may be the best thing to do for your family.

Katgurl

Hi OP,


I only read the thread now and unfortunately was not surprised to read the update. I think your husband has revealed himself to be deceptive and unreliable; the dripfeed of the betrayal almost as bad as the betrayal itself. Why did he tell you about the texts? Had she threatened to show you the evidence?


Despite all that, I have no judgment about your decision to give things a go. At this stage you are still processing the information. Please remind yourself though that this is not a binding contract - you can change your mind whenever you want.