Attracting the wrong type of guy, over and over......

SarahF77

I know this is a very trivial matter, considering all that’s going on…..but I'm looking for advice about a recurring relationship/dating issue, that is probably my own doing, the kind of guys I am attracting.

My 20 year marriage ended almost 10 years ago, after husband was unfaithful, I’ve 2 kids, age 10 and 13, so my personal time is limited to a few hours a week at the weekend, over the last few years, I have met a few lovely guys online (is there any other way!?) some short term and one for almost a year.

The problem is the guys I end up with are usually needy, suffocating and looking for a mother. So instead of me being swept off my feet by a handsome prince, or at the very least, finding a balanced relationship, I end up minding them like another child. If they live with their parents, they want to move in with me, and if they don't drive or have a car, I end up driving them around, or loaning them my car. I work full time, have become quite independent since my marriage ended, pay a mortgage, and all the other responsibilities of adulthood, but seem to attract the complete opposite.

Partly this is my own fault for jumping in head first, being delighted someone likes me, as my confidence is probably a bit low, but then I panic when I realize it's all too much and get overwhelmed. I find it hard to commit, or even share my time with them, which I know is selfish, but I don’t get much free time without my children…..so what starts off as a nice new relationship, that I am genuinely excited about, becomes too much, too quickly, draining me, and results in me avoiding calls/meeting up and feeling suffocated and worn out.

So I end up going cold, and ending things with no explanation, and feel like a total bitch. However, I also feel such a huge relief, and a weight lifted off my shoulder, I'm so happy being single, I've lots of very good friends, and family, but then fear of being single for ever sets in and the whole cycle starts all over again.

(well done if you are still reading this.....lol)

I am now currently seeing a lovely guy, on/off since June due to the pandemic, he is living at home with his elderly parents so we don't risk meeting much, the odd outdoor coffee, with masks, but he calls up to 10 times a days, he's not working (and seems happy enough not to look for work), but I am working, and homeschooling, and its stressing me out that he doesn't understand I can't always answer the phone. This relationship is now starting to feel very familiar, like history repeating itself, and I don't know what to do, he doesn't seem motivated to help himself, or move out, and tends to blame the rest of the world for all his problems, even when I offer advice etc, and here I am again, feeling trapped, and guilty for leading him on......but his low mood, and pessimistic outlook is exhausting....

So, after all that, am I being a fussy cow, expecting perfection, prince charming, and being a bitch when I can't cope and breakup with them. I'm far from perfect, not exactly a super model, and like anyone my age, have kids/baggage,etc so I can't afford to be picky.....maybe Mr. right is out there somewhere and I need to be patient, or maybe I need to just be happy and settle with someone, who seems to like me, and be more tolerant of things that usually drive me nuts......or maybe there's nothing wrong with being single? Help!

Loveinapril

To be honest, I don't think you are being overly fussy. I do think you need to consider your expectations, stand firm with them and cut these men off when they start exposing the red flags. My personality (and job) would be very much that of a minder/ mammy/ rescuer so I have to keep myself in check about that. My husband would happily let me run certain aspects of his life and we briefly broke up years ago because I felt like I was the only grown up in the relationship. When we got back together I had to be clear in my role and expectations and also had to be very mindful to not fall into the trap of doing things because I was "needed". I wonder do you fall into the role easier because you are a busy mammy and realise a bit late and feel somewhat trapped.

TheadoreT

Sounds like you're doing amazing tbh. And no you're not being too fussy, its good to have standards. You seem to be at conflict with the idea of being single. You say you love it, but then question is it OK being single? Who's telling you it isn't?

My advise would be to stay single until you're fully sure the man is fully right for you. By all means date and have fun but don't be getting in situations where you feel bad or awkward about ending things with someone who turns out to be completely unsuitable like the men you describe.

YellowLead

Hi OP,

Not wanting to be a guys mammy isn’t being fussy, so don’t be hard on yourself.

To be honest if somebody had no intention of looking for work I wouldn’t get involved. I work hard and work ethic is important to me - I chatted to somebody who was unemployed for a few days before it because clear that this was by choice, and then I bowed out (which was good because he went mental - how dare I chat for a few days and change my mind!).

Don’t settle for somebody just because you want to be liked and they appear to like you despite numerous red flags. Yes it might mean you are single for longer - but then you are opening up a space for the right kind of guy to come along.

You don’t seem to be painting this guy in a great light - he blames the world for his problems etc. If you are hoping he will change it doesn’t sound like he will.

It might seem like you are getting nowhere if you have standards, but standards are important if you don’t want to end up in the same scenario over and over. It sounds like this current guy is more hassle than he is worth.

While I don’t agree with waiting for a knight in shining armour to take care of you, it’s important that you value yourself enough to look for an equal partnership where you are getting as much as you give, not trying to ‘fix’ somebody or sort their lives out.

Faith

Not being fussy at all.

If I were you, I'd have a few hard "No"s in mind for when you meet someone that mean you discontinue with them once you know they fall into those categories, things like:

- Not going out with anyone who lives with their parents
- Not going out with someone who's not either employed or actively seeking work in a brief spell of unemployment
- Not being financially independent
- Not having a car (if that's important to you)

It's okay to have criteria in mind if you know that you don't want a relationship that falls into certain patterns. That'll stop you wasting your time on guys who aren't right for you. Remember, while you're wasting time with this guy, you could be missing the guy who's actually right for you!

You absolutely can afford to be picky. You're doing brilliantly by yourself! Pickiness means looking for the right person, not settling for just anyone. A partner should enhance your life, not make it harder.

Banana Republic 1

“No I don’t want no scrubs”

Tork

Reading this, I wonder are you being too unfussy because of your fear of being single? I get the impression that the type of men you're going for are the sort who are single for a reason? Along with the people in your age group who are single because their relationships ended or just never quite managed to meet Miss Right, are the ones who no woman would've looked at twice in their heyday.

I end up minding them like another child. If they live with their parents, they want to move in with me, and if they don't drive or have a car, I end up driving them around or loaning them my car. I work full time, have become quite independent since my marriage ended, pay a mortgage, and all the other responsibilities of adulthood, but seem to attract the complete opposite.

Maybe I'm being snobby here but unless there are good reasons, I'd be turned off by people who can't drive, never left home, don't work etc. They're probably attractive to you because they don't have exes or kids but you're just switching one type of baggage for another. I think you'd be better to end this relationship and have a think about what sort of man you'd like to be with.

Hannibal_Smith

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Thanks

HS

SarahF77

Thanks for the replies, and advice, I guess while I am genuinely happy being single, and have a full and busy life, for some reason I think people will think there's something wrong with me because i'm single (a bit overweight and not a great catch), and perhaps there is, but that's what starts off the cycle of looking for someone and then ending up with the wrong person..... I'm insecure so tend to go for someone insecure (less chance of them cheating etc) and then think I can help or fix them, and then regret it.... I feel like less of a bitch now reading all your posts, so that's for that, I think the right thing to do would be finish things with the current guy, and stay away from dating sites for the moment

YellowLead

You are in a lucky position of being happy single, it should allow you to hold off and wait for the right guys.

Seriously - don’t think about what other people might think! I don’t think anyone would view you in a negative light just because you are single - more like have respect for you raising kids and working away and being happy single.

If you are happy single then, as you said, stay off the apps and re group if and when you feel like it - this time leaving your insecurities and what others might think at the door, because at the end of the day if you are happy in yourself single you have no need to hook up with unsuitables (not that anybody should).

You are not a bitch - you don’t owe this current guy anything, except a respectful break up and off he goes to sort himself out, or let his own mammy do it!

Goodigal

OP you sound like a great person. Fair play to you for spotting the pattern in the guys you are dating but you need to cut this one off too. And I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but he's not the one for you. You sound way too positive and interesting, and he is just bringing you down. You want someone to sweep you off your feet - not someone with no job and irritates you by repeatedly ringing you because he has nothing else to do. You need to let him go.

I have been online dating in the last year or so, and while I have been pleasantly amused by the men I have met, nobody has really been the right character for me either. I am also v independent, and I am wondering if it's a good thing or not!! But it's a bit of craic having chats and meeting for coffees/walks when this lockdown has been so prolonged. It's nice not to be Mam! I have yet to meet the one who takes the lead and suggests dates - it's always me! However, I know I have the children to consider so maybe they have been working around my limited free time. Perhaps that's been happening to you too? None of us are perfect at this age (mid 40s for me!) but I am sure there are better matches for you if you build your confidence up and say no thanks to the guys that aren't the right fit.

As someone else said, you might miss a really nice guy while seeing this other guy. Life's too short, you only have a few hours to yourself every week - you need an equal, not another child! Good luck, and have fun just being yourself, whether that's staying single or still looking for your prince!

Airyfairy12

I think its ok to be understanding when dating people, life isnt always straight forward and lots of adults live at home with their parents. Cost of rent & housing is brutal at the moment.
As for not working, what would ring alarm bells for me is if someone had no intention of finding work & had no direction or future plans. Life is full of ups & downs and living at home/not working can both be temporary situations.

That said reading your post and particularly your second last paragraph I see lots of red flags.
"I am now currently seeing a lovely guy, on/off since June due to the pandemic, he is living at home with his elderly parents so we don't risk meeting much, the odd outdoor coffee, with masks, but he calls up to 10 times a days, he's not working (and seems happy enough not to look for work), but I am working, and homeschooling, and its stressing me out that he doesn't understand I can't always answer the phone. This relationship is now starting to feel very familiar, like history repeating itself, and I don't know what to do, he doesn't seem motivated to help himself, or move out, and tends to blame the rest of the world for all his problems, even when I offer advice etc, and here I am again, feeling trapped, and guilty for leading him on......but his low mood, and pessimistic outlook is exhausting...."

He's living at home but has no intention of progressing or moving out in the future. Thats a red flag, if he's happy to sponge off his parents indefinitely, he'll be happy to sponge off you too.

He calls 10 times a day - Huge red flags, the odd text and a phone call in the evening to check in would be reasonable, 10 times a day is needy, possessive and possibly controlling behaviour. Also this tells me he doesnt respect your time. You are busy, he knows this.
He's not working - Ok life happens, but he's happy not working!! When was his last job? What does he do for money? Why is he happy not working? I understand it can be really difficult to get a job, especially in Ireland the land of 0 hour contracts and crappy pay but most people who arent working long term would feel depressed about it, if he's genuinely happy about his situation and has no future plan for himself that sounds incredibly selfish on his part.
He blames the world for his problems - He's immature. This man cant take any responsibility for himself and expects everyone else to support him.

What more do you need to know about him?

SarahF77

Thanks for the feedback, I think at first I was allowing for having no job, the pandemic, being the reason a lot of people aren't working, and it's OK to be between jobs, i know I'm lucky to have a safe job.....I even understood him living at home initially as when relationships break up (which his did), the ex owned the house, so he had no choice but to move home, but I though he'd be back on his feet by now.....and all of you are right, I cant rescue, or fix everything for him, especially if he's not even trying himself....its exhausting:(

the_pen_turner

I think your sabotaging yourself. You have no confidence in yourself so I think that you think you dont deserve a good man. . You then scrape the barrel and end up with loosers . It doesn't work out and feeds back into your confidence issues.

You should raise your standards and hopefully you will find someone who wants you not needs you. Hopefully after a few good encounters you will gain back your confidence and see yourself better

Tork

the_pen_turner wrote: »

I think you're sabotaging yourself. You have no confidence in yourself so I think that you think you don't deserve a good man. You then scrape the barrel and end up with losers. It doesn't work out and feeds back into your confidence issues.

This hits the nail on your head. From what you tell us, you're doing a great job raising your kids as a single mum, you're working, paying a mortgage and running a car. Don't ever underestimate all those things. You've also got people in your life that like and care about you and you're clearly somebody with a big heart. You'd be a great catch for somebody. Yet you run yourself down, talk about your weight, admit you're insecure, and say you're not a great catch. With a mindset like that, no wonder you're repeating that pattern.

I think there's value in you taking a step back from dating for now and working on yourself. And if you're not happy with your weight, how about deciding that you'll concentrate on shedding the pounds over the coming months and then see how things go?

wonga77

SarahF77 wrote: »

for some reason I think people will think there's something wrong with me because i'm single

Maybe you are just trying too hard to be be in a relationship?
Sometimes things happen from nowhere and you don't need to force the issue. it will happen when you least expect it...

Zebrag

Hi OP

You sound like a wonderful person. Someone who can stand their ground and independent. This past year alone with home schooling and WFH, it's been a balance that many people thought would never be possible and has been a testing time.

Relationships and dating during covid... Another testing time and quiet frankly, a time that people have either had to sit back and look at their own relationships or a time to re-evulate what it is they want. Bloody testing let me tell you!

You're not doing anything wrong. It's not you as a person. In fact you know what it is you want and need for yourself. Unfortunately there are people out there who latch themselves onto others who are deemed independent so give themselves the justification that they in fact have it easy and they don't need to do much as they are being looked after. It's not so much as a bad trait to have. It shows your caring nature, it's the ones who abuse this are the ones who have a lot to answer for.

The current guy you're seeing, is a habit that has followed on from your previous experiences. He lives with his elderly parents (not overally a bad thing but one would feel that there's a limit to living with parents due to reasonable factors) and has no intentions of securing a job for himself, be it a small time thing or a full time job, regardless of that his intentions to financally secure himself is not there and that would be one of the many reasons why I wouldn't follow up on this relationship that you have with him. You've lived through marriage with an unfortunate event that happened, you've raised children, home schooling, working, you've a mortage and I presume you've hobbies and activities you like to do in your spare time (besides the usual house work!) Overal, this chap sounds like a man child you haven't given birth too and will most likely be a 3rd child in the house that you'll end up looking after.

You sound exactly like my Mam. Independent. Looks after others. Focus. Strong willed, overal a super Mam and unfortunately, for some reason, some men (not all!) like the idea of a woman who is like yourself probably willing to knock down a trait or two to allow themselves the possibly of a relationship they long for. Don't let this guy be the one to take your focus away from who you are. You know what it is you want. You deserve a chance of love and attention.

I wish I could show you the direction to go to find the person you would love to start a relationship with but as the saying goes, you've to kiss a couple of frogs to get your prince. As chessy and as cringy as that sounds. I hate that expression myself but as my Mam has said before, she won't settle for someone that is right at that moment. Just because you've a steady roof over your head and the acts of responsibilities that you have, doesn't mean you're going to allow someone to add into your plans to be looked after.

Keep doing what you're doing, look online, set up your profile in the way that you are in person and have a friendly chat with anyone who writes to you. If it feels nice to chat, arrange a Zoom call and see physically how they are. There's no harm in indulging in a person's life. Sure we all do it and there's no harm in slight judgements here and there, after all, you're within your rights to find someone who suits YOU as a person, not someone who suits you in the moment for attention and excitement. You've got this.

But FYI this current guy, don't let this guy be the one to end your search. Don't let this guy be the reason why you question yourself. He doesn't sound like a mean or nasty person but the lack of job and his constant attention when he knows you've a life to live, won't be worth the time and energy down the road. Sure he'll be great to chat too to pass an evening but you know that's not what you want.

Good luck OP :-)

leggo

I’m going to go ever so slightly against the grain here OP. At the end of the day, I feel your instincts here are solid, but at the same time I don’t feel that telling you you’re doing great and to keep up the good work is helpful because that has landed you in this pattern and on here.

To go off on a slight tangent: a discussion I’m having with people seemingly a lot recently is where they’re ranting to me about certain social media sites being ‘toxic’. The argument I make is that a website is just a website, and on social media in particular you choose who you follow and what kind of stuff you see. You can in theory set up your entire bubble so all you ever see are cute picture of dogs, for example, and are cute pictures of dogs ‘toxic’? Or is there something about us that’s attracting these kind of people and this content into our lives?

The point is that we make a million micro-choices every day based on who we are, what we choose to see and influence us, who/what we let into our lives etc. If we blame the world, dating sites, an entire gender etc...then what about the people living happy lives not experiencing these problems?

Instead, we can take responsibility (not blame) going forward for the end result we have. Doing so puts us at the wheel and gives us control over where we’re going. That’s tough because it involves us confronting and accepting some things that we may not want to, but does the end result of a happy life not massively outweigh the temporary discomfort of that? So look at what you think about yourself, what you want and believe you deserve from life, then once you’re in a good space with that clearly defined accept nothing less. And with you it sounds like there’s loads to be positive about too so it could be a happy thought process (with a couple of “what the hell is that doing in there?” moments when you come up against thoughts or feelings about yourself you didn’t know you had). That small change of perspective could change everything for you.

LegacyUser

I completely with agree with leggo. i have been in a similar situation op and wish i had had that advice sooner. hopefully not too late to fix things and grow up.

TheadoreT

leggo wrote: »

I’m going to go ever so slightly against the grain here OP. At the end of the day, I feel your instincts here are solid, but at the same time I don’t feel that telling you you’re doing great and to keep up the good work is helpful because that has landed you in this pattern and on here.

The doing great comments were more based on the fact she's independently holding down a full time job, family, mortgage and everything that goes with it and not once in her post did she complain about her plight. It was all positive and healthy and a genuine love for life emanated from the post.

I'm not sure comparing cleverly curated algorithms online to real life is all that accurate either. Can't say I've experience of what dating in 40's is like, but even in 30's there's added complications that weren't there in 20's, with all the baggage you have to deal with and ever greater self fulfilling profecies, greater cynicism, less innocence, bigger barriers with every failed relationship and financial complications becoming more prevelant. I'm sure these things are only amplified further the older people get.

So from where I'm standing I feel the OP is very much winning to be where she is with such a positive outlook. I wouldn't even call these guys losers or bad choices tbh, just sound more chewed up and broken by life than she is, and its hard to tell that from a date or two as people put their best foot forward early doors. I reckon its only a matter of time before she meets someone good for her as she sounds like a big catch.

leggo

Is it just an accident that we end up dating people? Do we accidentally download apps, swipe, text/reply to people, do we have no control over the questions we ask or the judgements we make based on the answers and what we choose to permit or tolerate as time goes on? Or am I describing a list of decisions we make that lead to an end result?

Are you really claiming that all of that is accidental and out of our control or can we maybe deduce that the reason someone is in our lives is because we chose to look for someone and went along with each step?

I’m not saying that the OP isn’t great, in fact I said the opposite in my post. You’re correlating self-worth with end results and that speaks more to your own mindset than mine, your deductions actually don’t have anything to do with the point I’m making. You can be great and still make bad decisions if you don’t learn how to identify them as such and weigh up if they match your vision for the life you want. I’m simply saying that if she takes responsibility for the million micro-decisions she makes that lead her to these situations, sees her worth and accepts nothing less then she’ll end up in a situation that’s much better than she is now.

Zenify

All the good ones are taken as you get further into life. If a good one becomes available at a later time they are like gold dust and get whipped up straight away.

TheadoreT

leggo wrote: »

Is it just an accident that we end up dating people? Do we accidentally download apps, swipe, text/reply to people, do we have no control over the questions we ask or the judgements we make based on the answers and what we choose to permit or tolerate as time goes on? Or am I describing a list of decisions we make that lead to an end result?

Are you really claiming that all of that is accidental and out of our control or can we maybe deduce that the reason someone is in our lives is because we chose to look for someone and went along with each step?

I’m not saying that the OP isn’t great, in fact I said the opposite in my post. You’re correlating self-worth with end results and that speaks more to your own mindset than mine, your deductions actually don’t have anything to do with the point I’m making. You can be great and still make bad decisions if you don’t learn how to identify them as such and weigh up if they match your vision for the life you want. I’m simply saying that if she takes responsibility for the million micro-decisions she makes that lead her to these situations, sees her worth and accepts nothing less then she’ll end up in a situation that’s much better than she is now.

Yeah I'm not buying it in her case tbh. You can over analyse something to death when in reality bad luck or randomness could be the far easier explanation. She's described these guys as lovely too so its not like she's attracting horrors here, just not someone who fits into her particular needs at her point in life, which is fine, but she's putting herself out there and not carrying much negative energy like you see so often on these threads. So for me its more a matter of time rather than something she necessarily needs to fix or get into some deep self analytical thought process about.

bitofabind

Hi OP. This problem seems to be one of low self-esteem and self-image that's driving you to entertain men that aren't compatible with you and that aren't offering you much, because you don't believe that you deserve better.

Fix the self esteem and poor self-image and you'll see very quickly that you're a very worthy and capable woman that deserves to meet someone like-minded. Nothing "wrong" with a guy that doesn't have a job / place of his own / any ambition, but it's simply not you, OP. That's clear to anyone of us reading your posts. You need an equal, someone with the shared values of hard work and independence and someone that brings a bit of joy and happiness your way. These men sound the opposite of that and they're just draining you further.

Have you ever spent any time working through the confidence issues caused by the infidelity of your ex-partner? I'd suggest starting there, be it through reading, mindfulness, or podcasts about emotional health and self-esteem, I'm also a huge therapy advocate because it's the biggest game changer here IME. I'd also recommend making time to focus on your physical health too, as being overweight seems to be adding to your lack of self-esteem and it will help all the family.

leggo

TheadoreT wrote: »

Yeah I'm not buying it in her case tbh. You can over analyse something to death when in reality bad luck or randomness could be the far easier explanation. She's described these guys as lovely too so its not like she's attracting horrors here, just not someone who fits into her particular needs at her point in life, which is fine, but she's putting herself out there and not carrying much negative energy like you see so often on these threads. So for me its more a matter of time rather than something she necessarily needs to fix or get into some deep self analytical thought process about.

If something happens once, that’s bad luck.

If it happens over and over, that’s a pattern.

The title of this thread literally includes the words “over and over”.

By all means, you can feel that the same thing happening over and over to the same person is just ‘bad luck’, we can agree to disagree. I don’t feel that way and wouldn’t enjoy leaving big questions like “will I ever meet someone I’ll be happy with?” down to sheer blind luck though. I’d sooner take control of my own destiny and be proactive. The OP being here asking the question to begin with suggests she’s looking to do so too.

Tork

Leggo, I think you might be on your own in interpreting the comments about the OP doing great as a commentary on her love life. Certainly, I didn't see it in that way at all. She comes across as really great in other ways and that's what people were praising.

SarahF77

Thank you so much, all of you, for the replies, I didn't expect to get so much nice, genuine advice on this site, to be honest, I was worried Id get a load of abuse for being fussy, maybe snobby, and unfair to this guy....and the others before him. It has never been about money, or wanting a rich man, just someone financially independent, who doesn't mind earning a living....

I have a few rescue dogs, and I fear my rescuing has spread into my love life

I think one of you said, don't let your search end here.....has made me realise I should enjoy what I have, give my energy to my kids & friends/family, accept being single is actually OK, and im not weird, or rejected, but no more dating until I know what I want, and loose some weight, so ill have more confidence, as I think I currently go online, and subconsciously look for the exactly type of guy I dont really want.....

StevenToast

There is nothing wrong with being single....

Especially when you have ticked the marriage and kids box already....

Enjoy your own space....

YellowLead

Zenify wrote: »

All the good ones are taken as you get further into life. If a good one becomes available at a later time they are like gold dust and get whipped up straight away.

True....but we all hold on to hope that we will be the one to do the whipping up....hence nose to the grindstone.

OP you are lucky that you are happy being single, embrace it

I think you should write out a list of deal-breakers and treat it like a set of rules for early days dating?

I have a few of those, and if I spot warning signs on the first date I'll just back off.

leggo

Tork wrote: »

Leggo, I think you might be on your own in interpreting the comments about the OP doing great as a commentary on her love life. Certainly, I didn't see it in that way at all. She comes across as really great in other ways and that's what people were praising.

I think people are taking me saying that as an attack on them and taking my advice to the OP very personally, when I also said she was doing great. You have to realise that I’m addressing what I’m saying to the OP, not anyone else.

The point I’m making is that if her takeaway from this thread was that she’s doing great but is just getting bad luck, it might feel great short-term but not actually help. Instead accepting that this is a pattern where she’s the common denominator and challenging her mindset (which in doing so would also likely lead her back to a place of improved self-worth but perhaps also uncover some stray negative thoughts she may not be consciously aware of that lead her into these situations) might lead to immediate improvements and end results.

Neyite

I know what Leggo was saying, and I can see parallels in my own dating life. I dated guys that on the surface were very different and seemingly nothing alike but each one ended up being very similar in many ways. None of them ever made me happy and fulfilled, and usually broke my heart in a very similar way when they left.

The common denominator was me - and I didn't realise it for a long time. I don't even know what it was that was making me pick them - still don't if I'm honest! But at the root of it was me subconsciously being drawn to fixer-uppers or guys that were fairly self-centered with a veneer of niceness.

I took a break from dating and did a good bit of thinking along with a counsellor. I set my baseline based on what I wanted from a partner for me - rather than before, which was me altering my baseline to suit the guy. I wanted someone who had a good work/life balance, someone inherently kind, someone who doesn't get stressed about small stuff, and someone who knows when to take life seriously and when to treat it as a bit of fun.

And I remember the next date I had after that. I knew within 15 minutes that he was of the same mould as previous - but this time I didn't invest further than a first date, so progress I suppose? The next date was the person I'm with now and heading on 17 years - because instead of looking at him thinking "how can I be exactly what he's looking for" I was thinking " does he meet my criteria here" and luckily he did. Still does.

So I firmly believe that there are some tiny unconscious ways we gravitate towards what's familiar (like a previous ex) and interpret it as clicking with someone the next time around. But I also think that once you are aware of some of those - or at least are focused on what you want to have, it really helps avoid the pattern.

SarahF77

Thanks so much for all the genuine advice and support, I have since ended the relationship, didn't insult the guy, or mentioned my reasons why, just that I wasn't ready for anything at the moment, and was going to concentrate on my kids etc.....

so no harm done, I'm sure he is now blaming me for all his problems, but nothing I can do about that, its just such a relief to be free

ILoveYourVibes

You are not being fussy.

but he calls up to 10 times a days, ,

This is crazy.

he's not working (and seems happy enough not to look for work)

I think this is an indication of deeper emotional issues. He is obviously not a coper.

but his low mood, and pessimistic outlook is exhausting....

No doubt.

Banana Republic is dead right.

You have to learn that saying no ..is not JUDGING people ...its realizing they are not right fit for you or just not what you want.

I would not be a right fit for many a guy. So i don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole.

IMO only let certain men have access to you. Choose men with the opposite personality traits for a start. Ones that don't text you every day. I mean ONCE a day even at the start is a lot. It kind of seems like they are trying to get their claws into you.

He should have accomplished things in life that make him FIT IN with your life. He has to FIT you ...you seem to be molding yourself to fit them and their needs.

He should have his own money his own home and car and his own goals. He should OPEN UP the world for you not keep it smaller and revolving around him.

I guarantee you this guy doesn't have his own friends either. That is why he is calling you 10 times a day!

Your life would get smaller and smaller.