Giving someone else a chance

Hannibal_Smith

I think you should do one of two things - either extend the break from dating until you're ready because it doesn't sound like you're ready at the moment or use the time now with covid etc to practice screening. You've said before that there were red flags in chats with guys that you ignored. Instead of ignoring ANY red flag, listen to it, ask yourself is it a dealbreaker for you and move on then and there if it is, no mulling it over or dragging it out move on.

I get that you want to be in a relationship - but your take away here is that when you've ignored the red flags its never ended well. Hold back, don't build your hopes up, treat it as a screening process and don't ignore things just to get to the relationship part - its never worth it.

YellowLead

I think the advice to do more research before meeting and having a phone call or video call is good. If you can have a good chat and a laugh over the phone or via zoom for an hour it’s a good sign there is a better chance of hitting it off in person. At least when you do meet you know you’re more likely to have a good time regardless of whether it goes anywhere or not.

Personally, if I see a guy is very active on social media it puts me off as it’s very different to my personality and what I value in life.

You have spoken before about ignoring red flags - so chances are you can spot red flags and you know what yours are, but maybe you choose to ignore them because you want to be with somebody so badly?

Be honest with yourself, and do some reading online - there is a lot of great material out there about self esteem in dating that is useful for anybody in the dating game even self assured people. I would also advise you to re-read your previous thread about a guy who ghosted as there was some great advice there.

YellowLead

Also OP - have you played around with your settings/filters at all?

For example - age range. I think you said you were dating aged 26 to 36? If you are in your early 30s it might be no harm expanding that up to be from 30 to 40. Just to see.

bitofabind

OP have you heard of the expression “dry drunk”? Someone who quits the booze but hasn’t dealt with the underlying issues. That sounds like you. Except that you quit the dating apps for a while and didn’t deal with any of your own underlying stuff. Your self esteem, your negative beliefs of the world, your beliefs about yourself.

That’s all your stuff and it wasn’t caused by going on a few bad dates. Maybe that provoked it, but it was there anyway if you were in a place to meet so many obviously undateable men and not walk away immediately, and then form this opinion that all men are XYZ because you didn’t practice good boundaries or manage your expectations with the dating apps in the first place.

You have to know that walking around with an axe to grind about men like this is a massive red flag to any decent man that you meet. A few guys have outlined this up thread. You know what I’d do if I met a man that harped on about “cans” or “family drama” on a first date? Make my excuses and leave. I wouldn’t let it get to the point of a second or third date and I decided who was worth seeing again based on whether I got good vibes or not from that first point of contact. I did a lot of OD in my time and the overwhelming experience was meeting a lot of nice people I didn’t connect with. Just ordinary people like me just living their lives and hoping to meet someone decent along the way.

Delete the apps again and this time do the work, that’s my advice, don’t be a walking wound like you seem to be now. Get happy being single. Learn your worth, learn the value or your time and your company. Delight in your own company. Accept that it might always be that way and you don’t need a man any man to exist in this world, you’d be surprised how attractive that is to others. Take responsibility for being emotionally healthy and learning to run at the red flags. You want the best possible partner, so become that yourself. We attract what we believe about ourselves and the world, so this is very much an inside job OP.

B.A._Baracus

Ella281 wrote: »

I often find it difficult to explain what I have experienced.

I’ve dated men who are aged between 27-36.

Most of the men I dated were openly perving and creeping on very young girls on FB/IG. This, unfortunately, seems to be a common trait across the dating apps and seems widely accepted or deemed normal.
It doesn’t sit well with me.
It makes me feel insecure. It’s not just the odd guy acting like this. Every single guy is doing this from what I can see.

Most of the men I dated had drinking issues which is bizarre how I would even attract this type as I am a non drinker.

I’ve never gone into a situation or date with the “I’m only interested in a relationship” vibe, I’ve often gone into it hoping to get to know someone and see how we get on.
But I a pattern of behaviour I have noticed from men I’ve met is that they aren’t being honest, not entirely into me or the date because they are preoccupied or they’re caught up or hung up on someone else etc

It hurts because I feel like I don’t stand a chance.

This guy seems nice, wants to meet but I’m skeptical because I don’t want to be made a fool out of again and there’s no point in laying down laws or asking what he’s looking for (claims a GF) because they all lie anyway but the motives and intentions for the mind games are unknown.

Most men:
- perving on younger girls on IG/FB?
- were alcoholics?
- weren't honest?
- not into your or the date?

You are either the most unluckiest woman in the world of dating on the entire planet or you are seeing things that are not there.

You also mentioned fear in your first post. To me it sounds like you are looking to see fault in those guys so you safe guard yourself.

Dog day

Gekko wrote: »

I see some other replies have said FB / insta perving doesn’t go on...I’ve seen that it does. Married men I know following 20 something yoga teachers on Insta and that sort of thing. Is it wrong? Who am I to judge, really? Single men undoubtedly do it too, in my own case - only on Insta -.

Hi Gekko Just to give context to my Insta/FB comment...I should’ve expanded the point to say ‘yes’ of course social media is used by both genders to admire from afar & sometimes unfortunately (but understandably!) to ‘enjoy the views’....more so by men I’d hazard it’s fair to say!

In relation to the OP....she seems to be in a spiral of negativity whereby ‘ALL’ of the men she’s had relatively short interactions with display uncannily similar traits, that’s the context in which I referred to the Insta/FB reference being ‘nonsense’. Though there’s lots of research into why some people may repeatedly go for the same ‘types’, when the OPs previous posts are taken into account, my genuine feeling is that Ella needs to look inward & find happiness there before repeatedly setting herself up for falls and/or misjudging some good fellas along the way. To be blunt...it’s the very definition of insanity.

Ella281

Hi guys.

I don’t mean “ALL” men. I mean the men I’ve been attracted to/matched/dated.

Hence why I’m unsure if I trust my ability to judge a character because despite “seeming” this and that, they usually aren’t.
I don’t want to waste my time or be hurt /used again.

I’m not looking for perfection/hot men/money etc.
Just normal with a willingness to give things a try and be decent with basic cop on.

I’ve done my best to “fix” myself and be alone.
I’m heading into my thirties. Call me mad but I don’t want to wait until I’m 34+ to start looking because I’m finding hard with my age group of men now. Never mind when I’m older. I want to meet someone and have a life - family / children.

But right now, dating and having fun - that’s what I want - particularly to have fun and laugh/share with someone.

bitofabind

That’s all understandable Elle. But look at it this way: until you get to the root of these issues, you’ll be wasting time entertaining the wrong men because you feel a certain way about yourself anyway. So ploughing on because of this “timeline”business is massively counter-productive. It just adds to the sense of urgency you feel, which leads to tolerating men you shouldn’t tolerate, which comes across as desperation and insecurity to men who will take advantage and round and round we go. So it’s time to just stop and step back.

And here’s the tough part: there’s no quick “fix” here. I took a year plus off dating and went through therapy. Lost all interest in dating, and I was older than you with all these babies and marriage plans. But I had to let go and give myself the time to get happy and get confident on my own. And that included accepting a future where I may be on my own indefinitely. That I may have to consider single parenting, living a single life. Guess what, it’s not the end of the world to consider these things. None of us are guaranteed a partner, family, babies, and dating dating dating while I had not resolved my own stuff was damaging my mental health. I stopped and, cliched as it sounds, found happiness on my own.

Listen OP, not trusting yourself and ignoring your own instincts are classic symptoms of low self esteem. If you were to look back on all these men you dated, I bet you can pinpoint the moment early on where you felt something was off. You’ve posted threads about these men before: you knew at the time. But you abandoned yourself and carried on. You can only do that when you don’t believe you’re worth more. I didn’t start dating again until I knew that I deserved more. I had a very clear mind on what I wanted, and I let go of the idea that I could control when or if I met anyone at all. Was grand either way. Strive to find that. Because if you continue as you are, it’s just going to be the same stress and the same drama as it was before. Be brave. Take your foot off the pedal.

checknraise

Are your pictures an accurate representation of you? Thats the one thing that stood out to me.

If men are meeting for a date but dont engage on the date it could be that you are not the person they are expecting to meet. No idea if that is the case or not but as man that is something that shuts down a first date for me.

Ella281

checknraise wrote: »

Are your pictures an accurate representation of you? Thats the one thing that stood out to me.

If men are meeting for a date but dont engage on the date it could be that you are not the person they are expecting to meet. No idea if that is the case or not but as man that is something that shuts down a first date for me.

I believe they are, yes. It’s me in the photos.
Some selfies/ and with friends. All within a year to keep it accurate.
Not filtered or with silly Snapchat faces e.g dog ears etc

YellowLead

Ella281 wrote: »

I believe they are, yes. It’s me in the photos.
Some selfies/ and with friends. All within a year to keep it accurate.
Not filtered or with silly Snapchat faces e.g dog ears etc

Are you chatting enough first to at least establish if you have a similar sense of humour?

Do you know what qualities you are looking for in a man and do you check for these (in so far as indications are possible) before meeting in person?
You mentioned quite a few you met seemed to drink more frequently than you would prefer - do you check for this first?

Hotblack Desiato

Ella281 wrote: »

Do you have any idea of how it feels to be on an hour date with someone who is oozing negatively, talks about “cans” and their family drama while I try to keep things fun and light?

I didn't realise dates came with a minimum time commitment, why on earth would you stick around for an hour with a guy who is boring you shítless?

Everyone who has online dated has been there, you just aren't attracted at all in person. It happens. Gracefully exit and move on. It's no reflection on you whatsoever.

Emme

Ella281 wrote: »

I’m heading into my thirties. Call me mad but I don’t want to wait until I’m 34+ to start looking because I’m finding hard with my age group of men now. Never mind when I’m older. I want to meet someone and have a life - family / children.

Dating is tough. Try not to take the dates so seriously. I'm single and don't date any more due to family responsibilities but I can look back on the dates I had and find something funny to remember from most of them even though they didn't work out. Like the date with the guy who told me about having to shut down a company through his job and that company happened to belong to my obnoxious ex. I didn't tell the date that of course. Then there was a guy who was really full of himself and wore a shirt that was nearly open to the navel with ripped jeans. All pre Tinder days thank goodness.

I would say that lockdown dating is awful. Do people meet for socially distanced coffee wearing masks? It's very hard to gauge someone's personality or reactions to what you say if you're wearing a mask and vice versa.

You mention guys perving on very young girls. By that I hope you mean girls of 16-18. You also say you date guys 26-34. Somebody else said that it might be a good idea to adjust your age range up and I agree. 30-40 seems more realistic for someone who is 28 or 29 and wants a relationship.