Giving someone else a chance

Ella281

Hi guys,

I was on here a few months ago with my dating woes.
I took a break for a few months from dating and cleared my head or tried anyway.
I decided to give the apps another go and stay positive.
Started chatting to one guy in particular and he seems nice.
BUT - they all “seem” nice when you haven’t met them yet.
The issue I’m having at the moment is fear.

Fear all around.
I want to live my life and meet someone/ have fun.
But dating hasn't been fun for me. It’s been horrible.
The men I’ve dated have treated me terribly for no reason only the fact I’ve allowed them to.

And I’m afraid I’m a bad judge of character.
What happens if I give this guy a chance, seems normal, he tells me what I want to hear and I fall for it because I think “they can’t all be the same” and he ghosts/gaslits/uses me and ditches me.

I really don’t want to be hurt but I’m not meeting someone in person so what am I to do?

jmlad2020

It would appear you choose to date scum of the earth type guys. The majority of guys aren't like that but the majority of guys, especially early on in those apps are after one thing. Sex.

Get his Facebook/Socials and do some scanning. If he appears to be similar to the usual type then stay clear.

YellowLead

You need to have a bit of a thick skin for online dating I’m afraid.

Try and approach is just as a bit of fun and meeting new people. If you go in desperately trying to find a boyfriend you’ll end up missing those red flags because you do want to be coupled up. Don’t give your heart away too easily or get your hopes up too quickly.

If the guys you have gone for have all treated you badly - did they have anything in common? Any particular traits you could look out for?

I would say beware of anyone who wants to jump in too quickly and love bomb you at the early stages - they are either only looking for one thing and saying what they think you want to hear, or they are emotionally unstable.

If the guy you are chatting to seems nice, that’s a positive start. Plenty of nice guys out there. Just don’t expect too much when you meet up and take it really slowly. Unfortunately it’s a viscous circle and if you expect to be treated badly you might unconsciously be going for those types because it’s familiar.

Just to say you are not alone - I’ve been dating for a year and haven’t had anything of significance. It’s not that they were bad guys - they just weren’t into me or vice versa. It’s tough out there (esp as you get older and the pool diminishes) and online dating requires a lot of time and patience. Which hopefully pays off

Ella281

I often find it difficult to explain what I have experienced.

I’ve dated men who are aged between 27-36.

Most of the men I dated were openly perving and creeping on very young girls on FB/IG. This, unfortunately, seems to be a common trait across the dating apps and seems widely accepted or deemed normal.
It doesn’t sit well with me.
It makes me feel insecure. It’s not just the odd guy acting like this. Every single guy is doing this from what I can see.

Most of the men I dated had drinking issues which is bizarre how I would even attract this type as I am a non drinker.

I’ve never gone into a situation or date with the “I’m only interested in a relationship” vibe, I’ve often gone into it hoping to get to know someone and see how we get on.
But I a pattern of behaviour I have noticed from men I’ve met is that they aren’t being honest, not entirely into me or the date because they are preoccupied or they’re caught up or hung up on someone else etc

It hurts because I feel like I don’t stand a chance.

This guy seems nice, wants to meet but I’m skeptical because I don’t want to be made a fool out of again and there’s no point in laying down laws or asking what he’s looking for (claims a GF) because they all lie anyway but the motives and intentions for the mind games are unknown.

Jequ0n

Hi OP,

I guess there is no simple solution if you have trouble reading people. Maybe try to stay somewhat detatched so you won't get too hurt.
I could be wrong here but when dating everyone is trying to read/ assess/ analyse the other part down to their bones, and it is incredibly easy to lead someone on (I have done it, sorry). Watch what you reveal about yourself and make them talk about personal stuff before you do. The easiest way to connect with someone is to listen to them and create your persona accordingly, so you can take control this way.

I guess the only thing you can do is try not to get your hopes up and get attached
Hope it works out for you!

Ella281

I just want to meet someone normal, date and see where it goes? Have a bit of fun along the way?

It’s a tall ask these days.

YellowLead

Perving on young girls on FB and IG? I’ve never come across this - how does that come to light? They sit there on their date with you scrolling their phones and you see over their shoulder?
Not doubting just curious. I have never seen this.

I think people with severe alcohol problems are in the minority - I’ve never come across any and I’ve gone on LOTS of dates so odd that you seem to encounter a lot.

What kind of profiles make you swipe right? Based on looks? Bragging?
What is your own profile like? Does it portray you as a serious person with serious intentions? Again I do NOT want to assign any blame I am just trying to figure things out. Like your pictures aren’t all tight low cut tops etc?

Jequ0n

Ella281 wrote: »

I often find it difficult to explain what I have experienced.

I’ve dated men who are aged between 27-36.

Most of the men I dated were openly perving and creeping on very young girls on FB/IG. This, unfortunately, seems to be a common trait across the dating apps and seems widely accepted or deemed normal.
It doesn’t sit well with me.
It makes me feel insecure. It’s not just the odd guy acting like this. Every single guy is doing this from what I can see.

Most of the men I dated had drinking issues which is bizarre how I would even attract this type as I am a non drinker.

I’ve never gone into a situation or date with the “I’m only interested in a relationship” vibe, I’ve often gone into it hoping to get to know someone and see how we get on.
But I a pattern of behaviour I have noticed from men I’ve met is that they aren’t being honest, not entirely into me or the date because they are preoccupied or they’re caught up or hung up on someone else etc

It hurts because I feel like I don’t stand a chance.

This guy seems nice, wants to meet but I’m skeptical because I don’t want to be made a fool out of again and there’s no point in laying down laws or asking what he’s looking for (claims a GF) because they all lie anyway but the motives and intentions for the mind games are unknown.

This says more about you than them tbh.
Whats the harm in looking? It's like looking at some fancy D4 property you know you'll never own but it's nice to look at as you drive by.


You sound like you are an easy target though because of insecurities (not meant as an insult)

Jequ0n

Ella281 wrote: »

I just want to meet someone normal, date and see where it goes? Have a bit of fun along the way?

It’s a tall ask these days.

But maybe your idea of fun is different to others because you get attached more easily

YellowLead

Ella281 wrote: »

I just want to meet someone normal, date and see where it goes? Have a bit of fun along the way?

It’s a tall ask these days.

You have to be prepared to put a few years into it, and get hurt along the way (hopefully not too much if you have a thick skin and don’t invest too early), but hopefully meet lots of great people too and eventually a mutual connection that turns into a relationship.
But it’s not something that you can just go out and get unfortunately.

Also...if you are in any way insecure it will put off the good guys and attract the ones who think they can take advantage. Hopefully you are self confident - if not work on it, fake it till you make it

Ella281

I’m not explaining myself well.

You know how you say “prepare to get hurt along the way etc”

My dating experience has been ****e.
I’m talking texting/only getting first dates/ getting the odd lad to go on more than 3 dates but ghost you at date 6.

No fun. No sex. No laughs.

It’s one thing something not working out etc if you had good sex or a good laugh or night out or fun and saying “at least that was this and that” etc

I’m talking about things even getting off the ground and having a geniune laugh or fun with someone?

These lads have been very insecure with low self eestem and haven’t been present or in the moment to actually engage.

I was very confident and content with myself before getting in deep trying to date.
I did find a lot of these characters negativity / drama rubbed off on me, made me question myself and made me miserable.

YellowLead

And have you have good laughs and banter over text? And then they just aren’t the same when you meet? Have you tried video dates before meeting in person? They suck a little - but you do get a sense of the person.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t at least had some fun along the way. But at least you haven’t had something you thought was great only to get ghosted etc.

Jequ0n

Ella281 wrote: »

My dating experience has been ****e.
I’m talking texting/only getting first dates/ getting the odd lad to go on more than 3 dates but ghost you at date 6.

No fun. No sex. No laughs.

Because why would you keep dating someone when there is no incentive? You seem to have your guards up so high that you can only bank on physical attributes (which you seem to question now)


Maybe the men aren't the problem all the time

Ella281

YellowLead wrote: »

And have you have good laughs and banter over text? And then they just aren’t the same when you meet? Have you tried video dates before meeting in person? They suck a little - but you do get a sense of the person.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t at least had some fun along the way. But at least you haven’t had something you thought was great only to get ghosted etc.

Had a laugh and banter over text, not the same when we meet. It’s like cat fishing a personality or something.

Not one bit of fun. A lot of the lads I’ve met have had low self eestem and never relax /have fun in the moment.

YellowLead

Ella281 wrote: »

Had a laugh and banter over text, not the same when we meet. It’s like cat fishing a personality or something.

Not one bit of fun. A lot of the lads I’ve met have had low self eestem and never relax /have fun in the moment.

Not the typical picture of guys who use and ghost - they tend to have an over abundance of self esteem!

What apps do you use out of curiously? Some have more relationship focused types (though you’ll get the same sorts on them all some have great proportions of time wasters)

Ella281

Jequ0n wrote: »

Because why would you keep dating someone when there is no incentive? You seem to have your guards up so high that you can only bank on physical attributes (which you seem to question now)


Maybe the men aren't the problem all the time

How do you mean “no incentive”?

The problem is I left my guard down, give people a chance and certain people I dated took advantage of that.

That’s why I’m here now.
The guy I’m talking to “seems” normal and wants to meet.
But then again, they all “seemed” normal. And I was hurt.
I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Do I give him a chance and how can I make sure I don’t get hurt or made a fool of again.

Ella281

YellowLead wrote: »

Not the typical picture of guys who use and ghost - they tend to have an over abundance of self esteem!

What apps do you use out of curiously? Some have more relationship focused types (though you’ll get the same sorts on them all some have great proportions of time wasters)

Tinder but it was bumble where I got a lot of my dates actually!
The lads I met all claimed they wanted to meet someone and date/ have a relationship etc

Saying all the right things I guess
That’s why it hards to screen.

YellowLead

Ella281 wrote: »

Tinder but it was bumble where I got a lot of my dates actually!

Try hinge also. You get more of a sense of people from the profiles as everybody has to put a bit of effort in due to mandatory things to fill out etc.

But it’s hard to figure out the root of your issues. Guys who have no self esteem, are often alcoholics, who creep on young girls social media , are not present in the moment and don’t want more than a few dates.

If the first dates aren’t fun with banter and laughs, why even bother want a second or third or fourth.
Do you have specific criteria when swiping (certian looks etc) or are you open minded?

YellowLead

Ella281 wrote: »

Tinder but it was bumble where I got a lot of my dates actually!
The lads I met all claimed they wanted to meet someone and date/ have a relationship etc

Saying all the right things I guess
That’s why it hards to screen.

Are there common traits in their profiles you can identify despite what they say?

It could also be that you just aren’t clicking with them as opposed to them using you - lots of good people go on dates and don’t fancy each other and move on.

The DayDream

You're not going to do yourself any favors with a genuinely nice guy if you have this already negative and distrustful way of looking at him.

Even when you are a truly nice guy it's really annoying and tiresome to try and 'win over' the trust of a woman who got hurt by some prick of an ex. I personally would move on rather than deal with that. I'm looking for a girlfriend not adopting a rescue dog. We all have baggage, that's fine. Don't bring it up at the start - it can wait until we've seen if we're compatible - and I'll tell you mine then too!

The amount of online dating profiles I see where the woman is already assuming all men are pervs, creeps, cheaters, game players. I swipe left on anyone who seems to be bitter about some ex who did her wrong, they're guaranteed head melters.

You can easily scare a guy away if you're constantly looking for red flags like you're gardai vetting them. Someone who is actually nice and isn't the one who hurt you shouldn't have to pay for what someone else did (or for your previous bad choices of partner) and if you aren't over that old baggage yet then maybe take a step back from dating altogether. It's not a requirement to be partnered up. You said yourself you were actually content when you were single.

Online dating is a masterclass in disappointment so it's not like you're alone in that. But you can't be looking for a partner without being somewhat vulnerable and open. Well, you can, but I don't believe you will attract who you really want.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP, this sounds like so much work I also wouldn’t see you after a second date max, no matter how attractive you are.

If you bring baggage into it you should at least try to hide it because people will notice and interpret it as non interest

Idle Passerby

I don't think your ready for dating yet OP. I know you've said you took a break but It sounds like you haven't worked through your issues. Your approaching it from a negative standpoint so your having a negative experience. Your not enjoying yourself at all by the sounds of it. Your treating dating as something you must endure in order to find a partner.

No one wants to date someone who's got their guard up and gritting their teeth through the experience. You won't meet anyone genuine until your happy in your own skin and enjoying your life.

Ella281

Not getting myself across here at all.

I’m telling you my experience of things for advice.
I’m very guarded and do not discuss ex relationships or dates or baggage at all with people I start dating.
I always try to keep things light and fun.

Do you have any idea of how it feels to be on an hour date with someone who is oozing negatively, talks about “cans” and their family drama while I try to keep things fun and light?
No fun, no nothing. Just humouring someone’s awkwardness and negativity because I’m giving them a “chance”
I do , I know what that’s like. I’ve had it more than once.
I’m usually or was a happy go lucky person but interactions with these people dragged me down and knocked my spirit.

I don’t have baggage only bad dating experiences.


I’m just trying to ask or establish if there is any other way of filtering these time wasters??

Should I say out straight what I want instead of just going with the flow?

Ella281

Idle Passerby wrote: »

No one wants to date someone who's got their guard up and gritting their teeth through the experience. You won't meet anyone genuine until your happy in your own skin and enjoying your life.

I was never like that before. I was always positive happy and confident but a couple of bad experiences shook me.
I’m simply trying to establish are there other things I should be doing to filter time wasters so I don’t get hurt again?

YellowLead

Ella281 wrote: »

Do you have any idea of how it feels to be on an hour date with someone who is oozing negatively, talks about “cans” and their family drama while I try to keep things fun and light?

I’m just trying to ask or establish if there is any other way of filtering these time wasters??

Should I say out straight what I want instead of just going with the flow?

Bad dates are part and parcel of dating and it’s something we all go though, you have to take the bad with the good.

Thankfully I haven’t had any dreadful dates in terms of somebody being negative etc - are you sure this can’t be vetted for a little during the pre date chat?

And yes, always say what you are looking for at the end of the day. Doesn’t mean somebody still won’t try and take advantage but at least you’ve said it, can’t blame them if you don’t.

You might just need a little break from it? It can be annoying at the best of times - but if you are not in the zone to find it fun and be positive then it’s best to stay off for a bit. Maybe meet this guy you are chatting to and see how that goes.
It should be easy enough to spot negativity via chats. Compatibility long term and whether you will fancy them - no. But surely you can at least tell if there is a similar sense of humour?

Augme

Ella281 wrote: »

Do you have any idea of how it feels to be on an hour date with someone who is oozing negatively, talks about “cans” and their family drama while I try to keep things fun and light?
No fun, no nothing. Just humouring someone’s awkwardness and negativity because I’m giving them a “chance”
I do , I know what that’s like. I’ve had it more than once.
I’m usually or was a happy go lucky person but interactions with these people dragged me down and knocked my spirit.

I don’t have baggage only bad dating experiences.

Having a **** conversation for an hour ain't really that bad. Even if it's happens lots of times. Knock the date in the head and go home early and then rinse and repeat.

The fact that these small interactions have such a negative impact on you strikes me.

Jequ0n

Ella281 wrote: »

Do you have any idea of how it feels to be on an hour date with someone who is oozing negatively, talks about “cans” and their family drama while I try to keep things fun and light?
No fun, no nothing. Just humouring someone’s awkwardness and negativity because I’m giving them a “chance”
I do , I know what that’s like. I’ve had it more than once.
I’m usually or was a happy go lucky person but interactions with these people dragged me down and knocked my spirit.

I don’t have baggage only bad dating experiences.

Your post is the epitome of negativity, even if you don’t realise it.

TheadoreT

Ella281 wrote: »

Most of the men I dated were openly perving and creeping on very young girls on FB/IG. This, unfortunately, seems to be a common trait across the dating apps and seems widely accepted or deemed normal.
It doesn’t sit well with me.
It makes me feel insecure. It’s not just the odd guy acting like this. Every single guy is doing this from what I can see.

You have to believe this monologue is off the wall OP. I literally know nobody like this.

You're the problem here and your very misguided pre conceived notions of men. I'd move on so fast from you if I got the hint you were carrying all this into dates with you.

Dog day

Ella, I’m really sorry but I’m here to give you a bit of tough feedback. I recall your other threads & the advice you received & in all honesty it’s really disappointing that you don’t seem to have taken any of it in.

Online dating is tough terrain & even tougher now given the pandemic but you truly don’t sound ready for a relationship at all. You really need to stop investing so much time & energy in the idea of another person making you happy, it sounds simplistic but you need to be happy within yourself first & to be blunt I’d guess that the fact that you’re not, is very evident when you do go on dates. Equally I think it’s interesting that you’re attributing similar characteristics and/or behaviours to all of the men you’ve dated, some of which are quite specific, & as another poster mentioned you’re coming across as incredibly negative. The IG/Facebook perving comment is nonsense. You’re attributing no individuality to these men & I honestly think you’re being unduly harsh on men overall. To bottom line it I think at this point the issues are more likely within you & your misguided view of yourself & how you’re perhaps coming across. I truly don’t mean to be unkind but I genuinely think you need to step back & invest time in yourself aside from the idea of someone to complete you. I wish you luck.

Idle Passerby

Ella281 wrote: »

I was never like that before. I was always positive happy and confident but a couple of bad experiences shook me.
I’m simply trying to establish are there other things I should be doing to filter time wasters so I don’t get hurt again?

The experiences you described just sound like run of the mill bad dates. They shouldn't shake you to the point of trauma. You say you're giving these guys a chance by spending an hour in their company but they are equally giving you a chance. It just sounds like you've chosen to meet people you don't click with. Maybe having a better idea of the kind of person you are looking for would help. But first and foremost you need to relax and take the pressure off. If dating isn't enjoyable it's pointless. You're not going to meet someone good when you're miserable.

Gekko

I think maybe you need to do more vetting before getting to the stage of a date so that you weed out the guys who are a waste of time

Check them out on FB, Insta, see are they on Linkedin or Twitter.

Then try a phone call, then maybe a video call, before finally meeting in person

Probably not the most enjoyable process but you’re trying to protect yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that

If they really want to get to know you, they’ll stay the course.

If they don’t they’ll most likely drop out of the process before you get to a date in person

I see some other replies have said FB / insta perving doesn’t go on...

I’ve seen that it does. Married men I know following 20 something yoga teachers on Insta and that sort of thing. Is it wrong? Who am I to judge, really?

Single men undoubtedly do it too, in my own case - only on Insta - you might be hoping for an opportunity to make a witty comment about a photo, or ask a polite question about one or something in the hope of striking up a conversation and seeing where it goes

Others might use it for other purposes but sure look...