Jealous? Or reason for concern?

Big Bag of Chips

TheClubMan wrote: »

She always said she thought I'd take our break up worse if it ever happened when we joked about it before. I think she'll be proven wrong.

If you try get revenge you'll only prove her right. Walk away with your dignity. Anything else is just proving to her that you do care. That you are bothered by her and her behaviour. Try to resist all temptation to drag this out and make it ugly. Because trust me, you will not come out of this happy if you go down that road.

If you're going to end it, just end it and walk away. With nothing but silence. That will hurt her more than a screaming match.

Virgil°

TheClubMan wrote: »

I'm still contemplating about whether or not I'll tell her work.

I think it might be justified in the sense that I have sacraficed so much for her and left a great life behind which I can't go back to for the foreseeable. I've now to leave independent living behind to move back in with my parents with no job and financial losses from this move with her and other related expenses. I don't feel breaking up with her will be punishment enough. She can carry on living her perfect little life with her great job and probably continue to see this dickhead without the wife knowing. It doesn't seem right in my eyes and maybe she needs to be thought a lesson as it's not her first time.

Would it reflect badly on me? I don't even know if her workplace would take any action. Surely there's grounds for a gross misconduct dismissal as trust has been broken with the employer?

Honestly OP as nice as the revenge stunts sound you'll probably end up regretting them. By all means tip off the other wife to the situation. But do try to see it from the angle of helping her out over spiting your cheating spouse.
This stud could be shagging any number of women and passing STI's out like candy.
Honestly count yourself lucky that your soon to be ex has refused you in bed for the past while.

Her moral compass sounds completely askew. Although it might sound like a great idea to teach her a lesson, this isn't the movies. She's already admitted to her friends in confidence that she's pretty much done with you. Any retribution you take will make you look like the spiteful crazy ex and she'll paint the narrative of her as the victim and you the overbearing, controlling, jealous ex(checking her phone, arguments ,revenge stunts etc etc....). It's not a battle you're going to win.

I think the best solution here is get your money. Alert the other wife. And then give your unfaithful partner a quick execution. I'd nearly be tempted not to tell her that you discovered her cheating honestly. You could just tell her that you don't find her attractive anymore and leave it at that(I guess it wouldn't be a lie ). The greatest win you're capable of achieving here is making her think you don't care about her anymore IMO. But take it or leave it.

Yurt2

Agree with Virgil, keep a cool head.

Not to be too facetious, and I hope the injection of a little humour isn't too unwelcome, but try to avoid a Walter White goes to visit Ted at Beneke Fabricators situation...

sReq | uTeK

If it was me. Firstly I'd get.my money. Then on a day she was away I'd make sure all my possessions were sorted.

I'd leave there and then and just leave the printed proof on the kitchen table. No explanation, nothing. Just the beauty of knowing you've found out and shes undeserving of even the confrontation.

Curious_Case

Do you have any mutually good reason for transferring your money to an account of your own ?

In other words, can having her "temporarily" transfer your money to an account of your own, further her plans in any way (you being able to access additional credit independent of her or you getting a better job by paying for education for example).

lalababa

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

If it was me. Firstly I'd get.my money. Then on a day she was away I'd make sure all my possessions were sorted.

I'd leave there and then and just leave the printed proof on the kitchen table. No explanation, nothing. Just the beauty of knowing you've found out and shes undeserving of even the confrontation.

What's all this about screen shots and printed proof..ffs .. who gives a ratsass

Bigmac1euro

OP- I have been in a similar situation back in 2013/2014. The feelings of loneliness are very real when in a foreign country relying on just your evil partner who doesn’t care. You’re essentially alone.

So very very similar and the feelings of anger and hate arrived back in my mind upon reading this thread. I left my ex GF’s country within a matter of hours and onto a plane back to Dublin only to be greeted by my friends at the airport who knew what I was going through.

1. Don’t feel embarrassed or stupid or any of those things because you aren’t. You were more than likely in a great relationship at one stage and unfortunately this person has turned out to be evil but very good at hiding it.

2. Revenge is pointless. Every day I think back to the relationship similar to yours I feel a great sense of pride that I didn’t retaliate because it makes me feel like the good guy in the movie (as weird as that sounds) but gives me comfort as she was the evil one.

3. The shared bank account sounds like the only approach for getting YOUR money back. I think you’re correct with this. Just do not let her know you’ve any idea what’s going on. If she twigs it say goodbye to that money.

You could ask her to transfer money as your father is not well and you’ll need money to pay towards an expensive medical bill but he can send it back to you in 2 months when he runs into money from the sale of an uncles house??

Make up something or open a joint account.
Stay focused and stay sharp.

Do not lose the head while your money remains in her account. Chances are she hasn’t spent it. My ex sounds identical to this girl. She made me spend all my money and had a nice savings pot while I had nothing. People like this are greedy and self centred. That money is there in her account for sure. She wouldn’t leave herself short.

I hope you get your money back and get home. I’ll be watching this thread closely.

Another thing. Confide in someone and let them know what’s going on. It will help deal with the built up anger.

FishOnABike

TheClubMan wrote: »

I think it would be easier to open up the joint account and get my money I'm owed that way without raising suspicion that I know she's cheating. When that's done we can just cancel the account. I don't think this would have any financial repercussions for me? I can't see myself politely asking her to send me the money after I've called her every name under the sun and her willing to send it...

Just make sure the joint account doesn't have any overdraft facility or can't go overdrawn. If she decided to run up an overdraft you would be equally liable for the debt.

bilbot79

bilbot79 wrote: »

You really really need to talk to her. Despite fearing it will spark the end, if the relationship has solid ground beneath it you'll weather the storm. You can't go on thinking all this stuff, biting your lip and fighting with yourself over whether she's cheating or not.

If you have a future you'll survive the conversation, if not the inevitable will happen sooner and that's better cos time waits for no man

Lol. I made this comment based on the first post and having missed the development in between. I now commute my recommendation to 'Get out of there!'

Curious_Case

Bigmac1euro wrote: »

* Detailed reply from a few posts back *

Excellent advice !!!

TheClubMan

I understand why so many of you are suggesting that I don't retaliate as I may regret it and should take pride in being the bigger person. I think it's easy for someone on the outside looking in to say that but until you're in this position you really don't know what you'd do or how you'd feel. Right now my anger is only building, I've lost my appetite and it's all I'm thinking about. I don't think I should be made feel guilty for wanting her to feel as hurt as I am.

I had a chat with my boss this morning about what's happening and that I'll be finishing work on Friday. It was the first time I said it out loud to someone and I could barely get the words out.

I suggested last night we go to the bank this week to set up a joint account as it's long overdue but she was too hungover to even talk about it. I'll be bringing it up again this evening and I'll be making sure she goes.

Off to work she went this morning with her hair down for a change wearing the perfume I got her for valentine's. Must be overdue a shag with the prick. He'll probably be in my bed at some stage this week while I'm at work!!!

Neyite

Do you know OP, I don't think that I would even explain why you are breaking up with her. She'll only try to lie her way out of it or try to make it somehow your fault. Why bother? You don't have to have a reason to end a relationship but it's always nice to have one - so why be nice to her?


Just tell her you don't want to be in a relationship with her any more. That you no longer love her and don't see a future with her. And then leave and block her on everything. Leave her with the head-wreck of trying to figure out why you left, what to say to people who ask her why you broke up, with the panic of wondering if you know about her affair or not. Let her sweat. As revenge goes, indifference and silence can be very effective...

TheClubMan

Neyite wrote: »

Just tell her you don't want to be in a relationship with her any more. That you no longer love her and don't see a future with her. And then leave and block her on everything.

She would just use my actions to say I left her and play the broken heart card to her friends and family who thinks the sun shines out of her ass and make me look like the bad one. I want them to see the real her.

The wife of a relative had an affair a few years ago and she was furious and still doesn't give her the time of day (they're still together) when she's at it now herself! She's a self centred hypocrite!

B.A._Baracus

TheClubMan wrote: »

She would just use my actions to say I left her and play the broken heart card to her friends and family who thinks the sun shines out of her ass and make me look like the bad one. I want them to see the real her.

The wife of a relative had an affair a few years ago and she was furious and still doesn't give her the time of day (they're still together) when she's at it now herself! She's a self centred hypocrite!

Sadly there are a lot of hypocrites in life.
My father has a saying "Dont expect fair play" because you will rarely get it.

You're hurting I know. You wouldn't mind letting everyone know what she did to you. To see the real her. You don't have control over this tho.
Sure, to mutual friends or family members you can easily say you looked at her phone and got the proof. To others, like her work friends or whatever she'll spin a yarn about she broke up with you blah blah. You have no control over that.

All you should be doing is worrying about yourself now. You're Irish and in another country? Why not come home and live with your parents or siblings for a while. Get your head sorted.

Neyite

TheClubMan wrote: »

She would just use my actions to say I left her and play the broken heart card to her friends and family who thinks the sun shines out of her ass and make me look like the bad one. I want them to see the real her.

The wife of a relative had an affair a few years ago and she was furious and still doesn't give her the time of day (they're still together) when she's at it now herself! She's a self centred hypocrite!

Yes but if you show what is her private texts, you'll come off looking awful anyway - even if people do think her cheating is appalling, they'll defend her privacy.

She sounds like she'll spin the sob story to anyone anyway, so no matter what way you do it, she'll make you look like a cad.

Virgil°

TheClubMan wrote: »

I understand why so many of you are suggesting that I don't retaliate as I may regret it and should take pride in being the bigger person. I think it's easy for someone on the outside looking in to say that but until you're in this position you really don't know what you'd do or how you'd feel. Right now my anger is only building, I've lost my appetite and it's all I'm thinking about. I don't think I should be made feel guilty for wanting her to feel as hurt as I am.

I don't think anyone is trying to make you feel guilty for being livid or for wanting to get even with her. It's completely natural. Hell ,if you'd said you felt like drowning the harlot in the bathtub I'd understand. But I'd still maintain it's just not a very good idea. And you will probably come to regret not taking the high road later down the line.

TheClubMan wrote: »

She would just use my actions to say I left her and play the broken heart card to her friends and family who thinks the sun shines out of her ass and make me look like the bad one. I want them to see the real her.

This is going to happen regardless OP. As you've just found out, lying comes very naturally to your duplicitous partner. Even if you sent undeniable video evidence of the pair of them riding to her whole friend group she'd probably still find a way to lie her way out of it. Sure don't half of them know already? And seem fine with it as not one of them alerted you?
As I said before this is a battle you won't win, and in the first place isn't worth winning. You've nothing to be gained by letting a rabble of hypocrites know they have a cheater in their midst.

By all means though tip off the wife(she's unknowingly in the same position as you are so she deserves to know IMO) and dump your partner without telling her anything at all.
She'll be left confused and shell shocked most likely and if this other married chap has any interest in saving his marriage she'll be kicked to the kerb pretty sharpish. In my view this is the highest and most achievable revenge you're going to get out of this ****show OP, while still being the bigger person.

TheClubMan

Neyite wrote: »

Yes but if you show what is her private texts, you'll come off looking awful anyway - even if people do think her cheating is appalling, they'll defend her privacy.

Maybe I'll just catch them in the act some evening at home when she thinks I'm at work, then I won't have to let her know how I found out?

I just want to get my money back and be done with it now.

She'lll be home soon so I may get dinner on and play happy couples again...

B.A._Baracus

Don't know how you could pretend anymore.
Look, everyone has online banking these days. Spin a yarn that a family member needs a loan asap. Get her to transfer the funds to your account. Lie.

Not next week. Not next month. Tonight.

tara73

TheClubMan wrote: »

The slut will be home soon so I may get dinner on and play happy couples again...

yes, I think it can't be easy to play happy couples to this slut..


I'm just wondering, you said in your opening post you came home from abroad just before christmas.

it must be very hard to move home, and experience this, wherever that is, but it can't be Ireland because in summertime last year you were already living in Ireland, looking for machinery and having loads of other questions regarding your farm.
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=114039867

Neyite

Mod:
Ok can everyone knock off the derogatory language please - the charter does say 'be civil'



Regardless of your personal opinion of her, gendered insults aren't helpful.

NewMan1982

I understand the temptation for revenge but maybe let it settle for a while. You have the screenshots so they can be used at any point in the future.

Get your money and then leave. Even if you don’t get the money it’s better to lose it then set up home with someone who will cheat on you.

I’d say just tell her it’s over that you found out she’s cheating and leave it at that. Don’t get into the specifics.

I do like the posters suggestion of just telling her you no longer fancy her or something along those lines but maybe that’s just petty.

Feisar

Yurt! wrote: »

Some people are never happy and have a black void in them that they feed with people.

Very true words. As someone who was that black hole that struck a cord.

I'm assuming the money is in the thousands. Get that back anyway. Then take it from there.

I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago and I'd be sick at the thought of leaving her with thousands of my money on top of the cheating.

TheClubMan

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'm assuming the money is in the thousands. Get that back anyway. Then take it from there.

I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago and I'd be sick at the thought of leaving her with thousands of my money on top of the cheating.

Yes it's a few thousand I'm owed. I worked hard for it so she won't be left with a cent of MY money. It'll be in my account by Friday as well the related expenses (the rental deposit I paid, the money spent on furnishings, appliance's etc.)

bilbot79

tara73 wrote: »

yes, I think it can't be easy to play happy couples to this slut..


I'm just wondering, you said in your opening post you came home from abroad just before christmas.

it must be very hard to move home, and experience this, wherever that is, but it can't be Ireland because in summertime last year you were already living in Ireland, looking for machinery and having loads of other questions regarding your farm.
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=114039867

And your point is?

TheClubMan

tara73 wrote: »

yes, I think it can't be easy to play happy couples to this slut..


I'm just wondering, you said in your opening post you came home from abroad just before christmas.

it must be very hard to move home, and experience this, wherever that is, but it can't be Ireland because in summertime last year you were already living in Ireland, looking for machinery and having loads of other questions regarding your farm.
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=114039867

I was posting on behalf of my father if you must know Sherlock Holmes. If I had someone like you around two months ago I might not be in this mess...

WertdeerSC

Hey, hope you are doing okay? You've had a tough time of it the last couple of days. Just remember, the problem is her, not you. I can't believe you are able to play happy familes and even look her in the eye and smile, but I can see that you can't risk not getting your hard earned back. My opinion would echo that of others here in that although the idea revenge sounds sweet, your head and your heart won't thank you for it in the long term, it'd be much better for you to tell her that she isn't the person you fell in love with and you don't see your future with her and tell her it's over. With the way she's been carrying on, she probably thinks she's the one in control, who can have her cake and eat it, imagine her finding out she's being dumped. You might enjoy the tears and begging which could very well ensue. Bitter sweet. Shame she couldn't keep her legs shut.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Given that you've decided on a course of action OP, I think its time to close this. There's not much more advice to be given other than what's already been said.

Thanks every one who took the time to offer help and advice.

HS