Would you track your child's online activity?

danslevent

Hey everyone,

Last night I was on a zoom call with some friends who are abroad. We all had a few drinks and just started chatting.

One of my friends is several years older than me and stepfather to a 17 and 14 year old. Him and his wife have a tracker on their online devices so they see every bit of activity their kids do, which obviously includes every message they both send and receive.

Personally, I was really shocked and said so. However, I don't have kids so I guess I don't know how they feel...what do you think? Bad form or necessary?

If I was 17 and found out my parents did that, I think I would be so angry. Especially since they were laughing at a certain genre of porn their 17 year old likes...

jimmytwotimes 2013

danslevent wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Last night I was on a zoom call with some friends who are abroad. We all had a few drinks and just started chatting.

One of my friends is several years older than me and stepfather to a 17 and 14 year old. Him and his wife have a tracker on their online devices so they see every bit of activity their kids do, which obviously includes every message they both send and receive.

Personally, I was really shocked and said so. However, I don't have kids so I guess I don't know how they feel...what do you think? Bad form or necessary?

If I was 17 and found out my parents did that, I think I would be so angry. Especially since they were laughing at a certain genre of porn their 17 year old likes...

17 a bit much but I'd monitor until they 13-14ish I'd say

Timberrrrrrrr

Nope, not a chance I would break my children's trust like that.

Atlantic Dawn

Under 12 possibly, if they are monitoring over that age the parents must have mental health issues, they should have stuck to having a dog or cat to control.

Day Lewin

Yes. Up to 16. How much sense do you think teenagers have? Online grooming? Street smarts?

None, that's how much.

They are FAR more influenced by what their schoolmates are doing and thinking (or say they are) than by anything adults tell them.
They are NOT grown-ups, even if they think they are. And it's a dark, dangerous world out there on the internet.

xhomelezz

Have two boys, monitored both of them for while, but stopped after month or so. Think they were about 11 years old, just to see. Nothing horrible was happening there..

ShaShaBear

When I was 13, I had access to the internet on our home PC and I also used to frequent the town library computers after school if I wanted a full hour unbothered as I had two siblings who would also want to use it. Fairly mild stuff - Neopets and a few chatrooms intended for teenagers and kids. My parents gave me their full trust.

Right up until they found me texting and calling a man in his 40s that had been grooming me through a chatroom.

So yeah, my three girls will be very closely monitored. It's not always about how much you trust them, but how little you trust everyone else.

xhomelezz

Day Lewin wrote: »

Yes. Up to 16. How much sense do you think teenagers have? Online grooming? Street smarts?

None, that's how much.

They are FAR more influenced by what their schoolmates are doing and thinking (or say they are) than by anything adults tell them.
They are NOT grown-ups, even if they think they are. And it's a dark, dangerous world out there on the internet.

That's a bit of overreaction imo. It's better to properly communicate with kids, rather than spying on them up to 16. Just my opinion.

danslevent

Thank you all for your replies.

I agree, 17 ia definitely too old for that...I just find it a massive invasion od privacy. Also, it's really unfair on their friends. All their personal messages to these children are being read.

Old_-_School

Don't monitor every message but have software that blocks over 15s apps and websites, and flags suspicious activity and blocks all activity at certain times e.g. night-time, homework time

Triangle

Three boys here.
I monitored them until they were 12.
But also was very clear on what they should/should not be doing online.

We've an open communication style between us, I think that helps.

A relative has monitoring and location tracking on his family, even though one's 15. From what I hear a lot happens in his sons life that he's unaware of.

CIARAN_BOYLE

I think there needs to be a monitor but don't look approach for older teens.

So if there's something to be concerned about parents have access but aren't reading the day to day.

For younger teens there has to be something more active alright.

Also the teen should know. It shouldn't be some big secret.

danslevent

Old_-_School wrote: »

Don't monitor every message but have software that blocks over 15s apps and websites, and flags suspicious activity and blocks all activity at certain times e.g. night-time, homework time

I think that is very fair and reasonably. I assume they obviously know about this too. It's the deceit these teenagers are experiencing too. Big brother style watching...

Dave0301

Old_-_School wrote: »

Don't monitor every message but have software that blocks over 15s apps and websites, and flags suspicious activity and blocks all activity at certain times e.g. night-time, homework time

This makes sense and is more proportional.

Being able to read every message is definitely an invasion of privacy.

Monitoring app use and websites visited up to a certain age is responsible parenting as well as communication regarding risks and inappropriate content.

It is not the case of a lack of trust in your kids, but a lack of trust in the undesirables that will look to take advantage of them.

Valresnick

Until they’re 16 absolutely yes I will track and monitor what they’re up to. After that I’ll keep educating them and help them. When they’re 18 it’s up to them ! Hasn’t that always been parenting ? Why would the internet change approach’s that have worked for centuries. Keep your kids safe until they’re no longer kids. Christ, the hand holding we do with people in this day and age.

Timberrrrrrrr

Valresnick wrote: »

Until they’re 16 absolutely yes I will track and monitor what they’re up to. After that I’ll keep educating them and help them. When they’re 18 it’s up to them ! Hasn’t that always been parenting ? Why would the internet change my approach ?

If there was no Internet would you sneak around the streets and watch them and monitor what they were up to?

begbysback

I’ve sellotaped my kids to the wall, I’m not an animal I’ve also placed a mattress beneath them in case the stickyness wears off.

Valresnick

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

If there was no Internet would you sneak around the streets and watch them and monitor what they were up to?

The streets is the school of life my friend. They wouldn’t get exposed to extreme porn, cartel beheadings, gore, endless violence, hate, and some 40 year old pervert pretending to be a 12 year old on our local street corner. People looking for kids to have unfettered access to the internet usually never have kids !

There are so many parents out there that are facilitating their kids talking to married men online by not monitoring what they are doing online.
Many of the parents are too busy on Facebook to care.
Kids copy their parents.

Atlantic Dawn

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

There are so many parents out there that are facilitating their kids talking to married men online by not monitoring what they are doing online.
Many of the parents are too busy on Facebook to care.
Kids copy their parents.

Should wives then monitor their husbands online activity?

Valresnick

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

Should wives then monitor their husbands online activity?

This is for a different thread. Don’t move away from the original topic.

Stihl waters

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

Should wives then monitor their husbands online activity?

Yes, that's exactly the same thing

Valresnick

Valresnick wrote: »

The streets is the school of life my friend. They wouldn’t get exposed to extreme porn, cartel beheadings, gore, endless violence, hate, and some 40 year old pervert pretending to be a 12 year old on our local street corner. People looking for kids to have unfettered access to the internet usually never have kids !

Never a truer word spoken.

I have no kids myself but parents monitoring what a 17 year old is doing online is bizarre behaviour.

Gruffalux

It's a horrid dilemma. Thankfully mine were grown up before the digital world became too much of a minefield. I did not monitor anything about them, and even though there was very little available like there is now, still I know they got into a scrape or two. But we did talk openly about the madness of others which can be amplified through the medium. Online stranger danger. The somehow exaggerated intensity of what online bullying feels like, when the truth is one would laugh at the bullying simpletons in real life.

Still, younger relatives are suffering because of online interactions and I do think there is a role now for some kind of monitoring. I would never read messages. It would be like reading a diary. But up to say 14 years old no access to certain apps, maybe. Or an age blocker. And regularly telling them about the facts of digital life.
Ugh, it's a terrible conundrum I honestly don't know what I would do. One of my young adults says he just escaped the present time of digital madness for kids - he and his generation know there is a real them and an online persona, but the younger generation have synthesised their real world selves with the digital persona so that they are becoming indistinguishable. This is going to be a big psychological issue going forwards. People whose centre of being and awareness is external.
If a child was suffering due to online activity, I would be really tempted to take them hiking in deepest Ladakh for a year and get them far away from the pernicious aspects of the internet.

Day Lewin

xhomelezz wrote: »

That's a bit of overreaction imo. It's better to properly communicate with kids, rather than spying on them up to 16. Just my opinion.

This is with communication; not instead of. Just to clarify that!

Timberrrrrrrr

Valresnick wrote: »

The streets is the school of life my friend. They wouldn’t get exposed to extreme porn, cartel beheadings, gore, endless violence, hate, and some 40 year old pervert pretending to be a 12 year old on our local street corner. People looking for kids to have unfettered access to the internet usually never have kids !

I have 5 kids, 4 in thier 20's and a 9 year old so yes, I kinda do know what I'm talking about.

One eyed Jack

danslevent wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Last night I was on a zoom call with some friends who are abroad. We all had a few drinks and just started chatting.

One of my friends is several years older than me and stepfather to a 17 and 14 year old. Him and his wife have a tracker on their online devices so they see every bit of activity their kids do, which obviously includes every message they both send and receive.

Personally, I was really shocked and said so. However, I don't have kids so I guess I don't know how they feel...what do you think? Bad form or necessary?

If I was 17 and found out my parents did that, I think I would be so angry. Especially since they were laughing at a certain genre of porn their 17 year old likes...

It’s not you OP but there’s so much is weird in just that little snippet alone that it just shows different strokes for different folks and all that - different people gonna raise their own children by their standards, not anyone else’s.

Valresnick wrote: »

Until they’re 16 absolutely yes I will track and monitor what they’re up to. After that I’ll keep educating them and help them. When they’re 18 it’s up to them ! Hasn’t that always been parenting ? Why would the internet change approach’s that have worked for centuries. Keep your kids safe until they’re no longer kids. Christ, the hand holding we do with people in this day and age.

You say that, and then you come out with this shìte?

Valresnick wrote: »

The streets is the school of life my friend. They wouldn’t get exposed to extreme porn, cartel beheadings, gore, endless violence, hate, and some 40 year old pervert pretending to be a 12 year old on our local street corner. People looking for kids to have unfettered access to the internet usually never have kids !

Timberrrr has a point, up to a point - normally what happens is children growing up in any neighbourhood, village or town are known among the community because neighbours and families and members of that community are all known to each other, so they keep an eye out for each other and each other’s children. That’s still pretty much the way communities work, both offline and to some extent online. There’s no difference between a child wandering off on their own offline, and a child using the Internet without guidance and oversight.

Nobody was arguing that children should have unfettered access to the Internet. It’s simply the case that some people are of the belief that they should respect their children’s privacy. I get where they’re coming from and I do the same myself, to a degree, as I always have done. You’ll only drive yourself demented if imagine your child will be exposed to the shìttiest side of human behaviour on the Internet any more than they wouldn’t be exposed to shìtty human behaviour offline.

Just like there’s plenty more good in the world than the shìtty things one may never experience, it’s no different on the Internet - there’s plenty of good stuff on the Internet that children (and indeed adults) can learn from, as opposed to getting caught up in spending an inordinate amount of time and effort worrying and inducing anxiety about shìt that’s unlikely ever to happen.

GarIT

I'd go more with blocking websites and apps, setting their internet access to turn off at 11 or 12, and not letting them have admin accounts on devices instead of monitoring. As well as communication.

_Brian

Youngest is 12.

We have her phone unlock code and regularly check history, texts and other communication.

It’s the deal of her having the phone and getting credit.

pah

17 and 13 year old girls with iphones. The condition of use is that I can pick up they're device at any time and go through it. Haven't done it with the 17 yr old since she turned 16. Probably have a quick look at the 13 yr old phone once a month but it's not covert, she knows I am doing it.