She doesnt seem interested in my life

LegacyUser

Hi,

Myself and my girlfriend are very serious, 3 and half years and own a house together and openly talk of marriage and kids etc.

She is very much committed and I have absolutely zero reason to think otherwise, yet on a real basic day to day level, she just doesnt seem that interested in me.

Its hard to explain what I mean, shes physically affectionate, shes very lovey dovey, she is very committed and really is very into the relationship, into our home, our future, etc , as opposed to lets say, her hanging with friends and not wanting to be around me etc.

Yet, despite all that, when it comes to basic conversation, when I speak I honestly think shes bored or not listening (well I know shes not listening sometimes).

This is quite common in conversation, most of our most engaged conversation is about her and whats going on in her life. When I start to talk about my stuff it doesnt ever really develop into anything, sure she'll agree or nod or whatever but like she doesnt engage or seem really like shes into what I am saying.

Ill be honest, I am worried that this is more serious than maybe I am realising myself, that my likely lifetime partner just doesnt find my life that interesting. The issue is that it is starting to feel like that its friends etc where I can really dig into anything that I am talking about.

I do wonder too is it my fault, I am not great at having a rant about someone that pissed me off that day etc etc. But I dont know, its very strange and I think the lockdown has made it worse because we are around each other so much.

Im just wondering is this something that might be in my own head? my own insecurity or something? Or do I need to address this?

LegacyUser

Hi there, I can completely identify with your account of your relationship. I was in an identical situation for too many years.

It’s unfulfilling and, chances are, eventually you will meet someone that engages with you on a deeper level.

Don’t settle for less that what you need. Ultimately it will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Xterminator

Hi Op

I think your gut instinct is probably right here. For whatever reason, she isn't that interested in your description of your uneventful day.

In the scheme of things, given your in a committed loving relationship with a compatible partner you are planning future, what do you hope to achieve by introducing a discordant note? i think this sounds like a trait of your partner that is part of the overall package that is her, less desirable traits as well as the good ones.

im not telling you not to mention you sometimes get the impression she is nodding and agreeing rather than listening, but rather i question what you would like to achieve if you

address this

?

do you think she will become more interested if you bring it up, or become better at disguising it?

Certainly if you do bring it up, i would say you should do so in as calm and non judgemental fashion as possible.

Thelonious Monk

I know with my last partner I used to zone out a lot of the time when she was talking to me about someone at work or something, it wasn't that I wasn't interested I think it's just a natural trait of mine, my mother is the same. I'm always daydreaming. But yeah, she didn't like it, but some of us can't help it.

Tork

Without being there in the room with the two of you, it's hard to know what is going on here. I can understand why you're worried and I'd be the same if I'm honest. We all zone out at times but if this is a consistent thing with your girlfriend it could be a warning sign. The worst-case scenario here is that she is one of those people who wants the house and the kids and the dog and the nice picket fence outside. She has got those and you're grand/you'll do. Or maybe she's self-centred. Or it's a bad habit of hers. I honestly don't know how to call it. You could pull her up on it but would she just pay more attention because it's in the script? How does she behave around your friends and family? Do they like her?

Tork

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I know with my last partner I used to zone out a lot of the time when she was talking to me about someone at work or something, it wasn't that I wasn't interested I think it's just a natural trait of mine, my mother is the same. I'm always daydreaming. But yeah, she didn't like it, but some of us can't help it.

I'm genuinely curious about this. Was it a problem in your other relationships or just this one? Was there any reason why you were zoning out? Was she boring? I'm not attacking you, by the way. Just asking questions.

leggo

Yeah OP, I appreciate it’s tough to do justice to, but it’s impossible for us to really gauge what a big deal it can be.

One thing I know is that some people just aren’t good at being interested in other people. It doesn’t mean they don’t love them or anything like that, it’s a life skill unto itself that they just aren’t good at, it can be something in their early development that they just never picked up and they probably don’t even realise it’s an issue because they’ve zero scope for it (also it’s not something people tend to pull you up on, even if it’s someone you know well it’s a tough conversation to have).

I’d look out for how she is around others. When her friends/family comes over, does she remember things they told them about last time they spoke and ask for a follow-up? Does she actively listen and ask follow up questions? Or does she only get excited if it’s something about her or something ‘juicy’?

If she’s like this with everyone, then that’s just who she is and it’s not personal. You can raise it with her, and I encourage you to do so because it’s a good habit to get into to be attentive of your needs and look for them to be fulfilled where reasonable, but limit your expectations too because people very rarely change. She could be mortified by it, like someone when you tell them they smell, and make every effort to develop this side of herself...that’s definitely possible. Or she could rubbish your request or make a tribute effort for a while then either just stop or find an issue with it as an excuse to stop. Then you have to make a judgement call on if this is something you’re okay dealing with for life.

Thelonious Monk

Tork wrote: »

I'm genuinely curious about this. Was it a problem in your other relationships or just this one? Was there any reason why you were zoning out? Was she boring? I'm not attacking you, by the way. Just asking questions.

Well as leggo said, some people are just like this. But it's mainly down to my zoning out, family members are the same, sometimes I have to say the same thing 4 times to my brother before he actually hears me, when I'm inches from his face, lol.
I think it was a problem in other relationships yes now that I think of it, it seems to really hurt people when you come across as not giving a sh*t, understandably so.

marizpan

My husband is just like this!

I remember early on in our relationship it really upset me but I just accept it now.

I realised that it is just how he is and is no reflection on me. His mother could easily be described as very nagging so I assume it comes from having to zone out from her in his childhood/youth.

He doesn’t remember a lot of our conversations in the evenings after work which can get him into trouble on occasions as he agrees to commitments that he hasn’t heard.ie. Collecting kids etc.
I also understand that he works long hours in a very mentally stressful job and it’s just his way of winding down.

If I need to have an important conversation with him, I either try to wait for the weekend or get him to repeat what I’ve just said to him. And it works as his response after 30mins of me talking is usually “sorry babe, wasn’t listening to anything you said!” Roll eyes

Airyfairy12

It might have nothing to do with how interesting you are, she might just be a bit wrapped up in herself? Some people are only interested in talking about themselves.
Could also be, as Tork said, that she just wants the marriage, house, babies and husband and you'll do the job but theres no deep connection there.
No one can answer it for you only herself.
Communication is important, maybe bring it up with her the next time it happens.

qwerty13

Admission: I tune out with work colleagues. Not always, or with everyone, but the over the desk chat that often involves football, soaps, celebrities ... na, I’m gone.

I’d like to think that I’d make more of an effort with my partner though! Although he knows I’ve zero interest in sports, and he has no interest in some things I’d watch or read. But that’s ok.

On the day-to-day life stuff. Hard to call. I’d be quite upset if I’d had a rough out of the blue day at work, and my partner zoned out. It does come across as being uncaring. But if I was wittering on about every last detail of my working day, all the time, then I could see how someone would zone out (not saying you’re doing that OP, but maybe it’s a possibility?)

I work in the same place where my friend’s partner used to work. Whenever we meet up (twice a year or so), me and friend’s partner get into a catch up on all of our mutual acquaintances - which bores the behind off my friend. So she gives us a head start now when we’re meeting up!

Possibly she doesn’t realise there’s something you want to talk about re your day, as opposed to ‘making conversation’ about your day. It’s very hard to tell. Does she talk much about her day? Or does she see her life centred very much outside of work?

Sorry - I realised I interpreted that as lack of interest in your working day. Does she zone out of you were to speak of your family, or friends, or your hobbies/interests?

Big Bag of Chips

What is she doing when she zones out? Are you sitting face to face, like at dinner? Or is the telly on and she's scrolling on her phone?

We are all surrounded with multiple distractions all day. It absolute definitely has an affect on our cognitive ability. Some more than others. We all need to slow things down and try come back to basics. There's every chance when you're telling her something, she's already thinking of what's for dinner, is there enough milk in the fridge, does she need to organise anything for tomorrow, what's happening in Coronation St?! Our brains are over stimulated and it can be very difficult to switch of and be "present" as people talk about these days.

I think this might be something you need to work around. Rather than see it as a sign she's not interested, see it as her mind wanders because there's so much going on. Try talk to her at a calm time. Maybe take time out each evening to have dinner at the table, play a board game, switch off the telly and just talk. It might seem a bit awkward and cringey at first but tell her you feel like you are losing that connection to each other.

It'll also be good to train your brains to just relax for a few minutes and live in the moment of what's going on now. Not what needs to happen over the next 12-24 hours!

You sound like you have a good relationship. But maintaining a good relationship does involve work.

qwerty13

marizpan wrote: »

My husband is just like this!

I remember early on in our relationship it really upset me but I just accept it now.

I realised that it is just how he is and is no reflection on me. His mother could easily be described as very nagging so I assume it comes from having to zone out from her in his childhood/youth.

He doesn’t remember a lot of our conversations in the evenings after work which can get him into trouble on occasions as he agrees to commitments that he hasn’t heard.ie. Collecting kids etc.
I also understand that he works long hours in a very mentally stressful job and it’s just his way of winding down.

If I need to have an important conversation with him, I either try to wait for the weekend or get him to repeat what I’ve just said to him. And it works as his response after 30mins of me talking is usually “sorry babe, wasn’t listening to anything you said!” Roll eyes

I honestly don’t know how you put up with that. “Sorry babe” (puke) is not a valid excuse for “I can’t be arsed listening to important arrangements about our children - but sure your time is meaningless, so why don’t you waste your life repeating yourself”. He’s basically cornering you into acting as his secretary. I don’t give two hoots about his mother, he’s a lazy **** with regard to your family unit - and you’re enabling him.

I really hope that the OP isn’t in this situation.

Calypso Realm

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

It might have nothing to do with how interesting you are, she might just be a bit wrapped up in herself? Some people are only interested in talking about themselves.

Agree. Some people are just so self-obsessed, it's unreal.

Understandable, of course when folk are going through a tough time for one reason or another etc but with others, that's their nature, I'm afraid. They simply do not have the capacity to get out of their own heads. I've knowm a few people like this. For instance, I used to get a lift to work once with someone, who you could tell was like this-always appeared to be so wrapped up in her own thoughts, all the time! She was exactly the same at work with everyone else! So self-centred. Everyone remarked on it.

Another 'friend' when out for an evening, if she had a hard day at work, we all knew about it! , Instead of making an effort for the sake of everyone else, like most people would, she just sat and wallowed, with a face as long as your arm!
!All efforts to talk about something else failed so in the end we stopped asking her out!

Out of interest, has your girlfriend always been like this? Or is this a recent thing. What is she like with friends, family etc?

Porklife

qwerty13 wrote: »

I honestly don’t know how you put up with that. “Sorry babe” (puke) is not a valid excuse for “I can’t be arsed listening to important arrangements about our children - but sure your time is meaningless, so why don’t you waste your life repeating yourself”. He’s basically cornering you into acting as his secretary. I don’t give two hoots about his mother, he’s a lazy **** with regard to your family unit - and you’re enabling him.

I really hope that the OP isn’t in this situation.

I completely agree with this. Saying sorry babe I wasn't listening is disrespectful and no excuse for not listening to your partner. If he said sorry I was distracted putting out this fire whilst saving a drowning cat it would be different and understandable. It's pure selfishness and not valuing your time. Anybody who says oh I'm just like this is lazy. It's the equivalent of saying...no offense but.. as a precursor to offending someone. Learning to listen and empathize with others is a life skill and I'd find it extremely off putting if my partner hadn't mastered this or at least recognized their need to work on it.
I would encourage you to talk to her about it and see her take on it. She may just not realise she's doing it and a simple honest conversation could be a game changer or she may not listen when you tell her

Hope it works out OP.

Tork

It isn't just disrespectful and hurtful, it's infuriating on a practical level. It might be an excuse for some people to opt out of the boring bits of everyday life. "Sorry, I didn't know our son had a doctor's appointment at 2:00 and that I was supposed to collect him from school" or "The Christmas wheelie bin days changed. How did that happen?".

Dial Hard

As others have said, that level of disinterest and disengagement is just rude, end of.

I used to have a friend like this - a great guy in many ways, great fun to be around, generous, funny etc. - but you could literally see him zone out the second you started talking about anything that didn't directly involve him. And I mean literally - you could actually see him lose all interest in the conversation. And like the husband mentioned above, he'd have to be reminded of conversations he took part in because he just wasn't listening. I ended up distancing myself from the friendship because of it, it's incredibly disrespectful and utterly infuriating. I have no idea how or why anyone would tolerate it from a partner.

Jequ0n

I’m guilty of that behaviour but I am generally quite self focussed. I don’t do this to be malicious, I just find it difficult to focus on something that isn’t really important to me. It’s possible to overcome this if I really try to concentrate but i often need a kick up the arse.
If it bothers you you need to address it OP, your partner cannot read your mind.

Ash.J.Williams

shedoesntlisten wrote: »

Hi,

Myself and my girlfriend are very serious, 3 and half years and own a house together and openly talk of marriage and kids etc.

She is very much committed and I have absolutely zero reason to think otherwise, yet on a real basic day to day level, she just doesnt seem that interested in me.

Its hard to explain what I mean, shes physically affectionate, shes very lovey dovey, she is very committed and really is very into the relationship, into our home, our future, etc , as opposed to lets say, her hanging with friends and not wanting to be around me etc.

Yet, despite all that, when it comes to basic conversation, when I speak I honestly think shes bored or not listening (well I know shes not listening sometimes).

This is quite common in conversation, most of our most engaged conversation is about her and whats going on in her life. When I start to talk about my stuff it doesnt ever really develop into anything, sure she'll agree or nod or whatever but like she doesnt engage or seem really like shes into what I am saying.

Ill be honest, I am worried that this is more serious than maybe I am realising myself, that my likely lifetime partner just doesnt find my life that interesting. The issue is that it is starting to feel like that its friends etc where I can really dig into anything that I am talking about.

I do wonder too is it my fault, I am not great at having a rant about someone that pissed me off that day etc etc. But I dont know, its very strange and I think the lockdown has made it worse because we are around each other so much.

Im just wondering is this something that might be in my own head? my own insecurity or something? Or do I need to address this?

Wow that’s a perfect relationship, it’s as good as it gets !

Finty Lemon

It sounds OP, like you might be dealing with someone who is more fixated on being set up in a 'relationship' , rather than being interested in the individual at the centre of it. Watch for that because it will take 10 or 20 years for you to wake up to the fact that you are just a Ken Doll.

When marriage is mentioned, is it actually marriage talked about or is it all about the trivialities of the wedding e.g. details on venue, ceremony, honeymoon destination etc? Beware the latter for damn sure

What about planning for purchasing a house? What are the main criteria? If driven on aesthetics only again take a minute to think on that

When holidays are booked, is the location chosen to suit you both is is it more with her Instagram in mind?

Does Christmas revolve around what you get her? How does your family or friends figure in her plans? Has she willingly dropped out of a friend group to spend her time with you?

Porklife

Dial Hard wrote: »

As others have said, that level of disinterest and disengagement is just rude, end of.

I used to have a friend like this - a great guy in many ways, great fun to be around, generous, funny etc. - but you could literally see him zone out the second you started talking about anything that didn't directly involve him. And I mean literally - you could actually see him lose all interest in the conversation. And like the husband mentioned above, he'd have to be reminded of conversations he took part in because he just wasn't listening. I ended up distancing myself from the friendship because of it, it's incredibly disrespectful and utterly infuriating. I have no idea how or why anyone would tolerate it from a partner.

Totally agree. I wouldn't be friends with someone this lazy and self involved much less tolerant it in a partner. A good listener is such an attractive quality in a person and something I actively look for in a partner. We'd all like to zone out sometimes and it shows strength of character to listen to your partner or friend and assess what they're saying and understand how they're feeling. The only time I zone out is during boring work zoom calls that dont directly affect my job but even then I feel guilty as it's disrespectful to the person speaking.

qwerty13

I guess OP it depends on the kind of not listening that she does. On the one hand, if she’s not listening to the intricacies of a lengthy description of golf shot / motorcycle repair (to be cheaply sexist), that’s at one end of the spectrum. The other end is like the other poster whose husband selfishly lets his wife speak for half hour, including making arrangements for their *children*, and then makes her repeat herself because he can’t be bothered listening.

Which end do you think your other half is closer to? If it’s the latter, I’d say run.

Ash.J.Williams

I’d be making up the coolest stories every day and couldn’t wait to come home to be ignored, die hard situations with terrorists etc “yes dear “

shedoesntlisten

shedoesntlisten wrote: »

Hi,

Myself and my girlfriend are very serious, 3 and half years and own a house together and openly talk of marriage and kids etc.

She is very much committed and I have absolutely zero reason to think otherwise, yet on a real basic day to day level, she just doesnt seem that interested in me.

Its hard to explain what I mean, shes physically affectionate, shes very lovey dovey, she is very committed and really is very into the relationship, into our home, our future, etc , as opposed to lets say, her hanging with friends and not wanting to be around me etc.

Yet, despite all that, when it comes to basic conversation, when I speak I honestly think shes bored or not listening (well I know shes not listening sometimes).

This is quite common in conversation, most of our most engaged conversation is about her and whats going on in her life. When I start to talk about my stuff it doesnt ever really develop into anything, sure she'll agree or nod or whatever but like she doesnt engage or seem really like shes into what I am saying.

Ill be honest, I am worried that this is more serious than maybe I am realising myself, that my likely lifetime partner just doesnt find my life that interesting. The issue is that it is starting to feel like that its friends etc where I can really dig into anything that I am talking about.

I do wonder too is it my fault, I am not great at having a rant about someone that pissed me off that day etc etc. But I dont know, its very strange and I think the lockdown has made it worse because we are around each other so much.

Im just wondering is this something that might be in my own head? my own insecurity or something? Or do I need to address this?

I wouldn't go too deep into this.
Someone else you meet will listen but not be all the other things she is.
We're all different.
I zone out when my husband talks too long, it's just a natural thing. I love him and his life but I just zone out and hear what I want to hear.
I don't listen but I can relay the host of the conversation back to him without failure.
She sounds commited and loving.
Look for the positives and turn the small negatives into positives.. Like you could confess murder to her!

Porklife

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

I’d be making up the coolest stories every day and couldn’t wait to come home to be ignored, die hard situations with terrorists etc “yes dear “

Haha yeah or be like...soooooo, I gave my boss a blow job today..he said I sucked at my job so, ya know..

"yes dear"

strandroad

Hard to say without examples OP... What do you mean when you say that you talk about your life, especially in lockdown? Is it work vents like the example you gave, or your personal thoughts and interests? How relatable are they? How would you like her to react for you to see that she's interested? What input do you need from her?

LegacyUser

In my job I did a course to become an instructor. I was taught about the three different type of learners, visual, auditory, and kinesthetic.

I wish someone had of explained this to me ehen I was in school. I am 50% visual/50% kinesthetic. Zero auditory. I zone out loads (not all the time bute very often) when people are talking. I've become a lot more aware of it since learning about it but it still happens. Someone could be giving me very important instructions about something I am supposed to do and my mind will wander. If I'm lost and I ask you for directions there's a good chance I wont remember most of what you tell me 5 minutes later.

Get your partner to do a learning type test online and you might be surprised.

In a teaching setting the way to keep the attention of someone like this is to ask them questions about what you've said, use diagrams/visual aids, get them to take notes etc. Basically keep them busy so they are not trying to use 100% of their brain to listen. Maybe try speak to her when she's doing something else? Cooking, driving, painting nails or whatever other things she does that doesn't take a lot of concentration. I listen a lot better if I am busy when someone is talking to me.

Daisy78

Jequ0n wrote: »

I’m guilty of that behaviour but I am generally quite self focussed. I don’t do this to be malicious, I just find it difficult to focus on something that isn’t really important to me. It’s possible to overcome this if I really try to concentrate but i often need a kick up the arse.
If it bothers you you need to address it OP, your partner cannot read your mind.

It doesn’t need to be malicious to be off putting. Basically what you are communicating to the other person is that your life and your issues aren’t important to me but I expect you to listen to anything that relates to me. I’ve little tolerance for this kind of bs and would have even less if it was behaviour exhibited by my partner.

To the OP, I think others are right is suggesting you observe how she engages with other people around. Does she take an interest in their life and listen to what they have to say? If the answer is yes then I think it would be a major red flag in terms of your own relationship. Do you want someone who is going through the motions with you or someone who is just in the relationship for what she can get out of it without vesting too much herself? I wouldn’t be reluctant to raise it with her at all. Now is the time to do it before it becomes a much bigger issue.

Jequ0n

Daisy78 wrote: »

It doesn’t need to be malicious to be off putting. Basically what you are communicating to the other person is that your life and your issues aren’t important to me but I expect you to listen to anything that relates to me. I’ve little tolerance for this kind of bs and would have even less if it was behaviour exhibited by my partner.

To the OP, I think others are right is suggesting you observe how she engages with other people around. Does she take an interest in their life and listen to what they have to say? If the answer is yes then I think it would be a major red flag in terms of your own relationship. Do you want someone who is going through the motions with you or someone who is just in the relationship for what she can get out of it without vesting too much herself? I wouldn’t be reluctant to raise it with her at all. Now is the time to do it before it becomes a much bigger issue.

I appreciate that it might be off putting, but some of us just can’t help it. Hopefully it turns out to be a miscommunication in the OPs case.

ILoveYourVibes

shedoesntlisten wrote: »

that my likely lifetime partner just doesnt find my life that interesting.

Do you have much in common?

Does she seem intellectually curious in general?

IMO YES ...its an issue long term. I mean maybe not everyday of what you do in work. But if she isn't interested in some of your hobbies or part of what you do ...it might make it difficult for her to relate to you later.

I notice it tends to happen with people who are attracted ...but don't have a lot in common intellectually.

IMO could you guys do a hobby together?

Maybe it is miscommunication etc.

Or it could be something that might mean you drift apart later. I dunno.

bitofabind

My question would be is this a general problem she has, or is it specific to you? In other words, is she generally a really poor conversationalist, who brings everything back to her and her issues? Or has she expressed interest and support in you over the years and this disengagement is a new thing?

A LOT of people are really really poor listeners. I work in Sales and have done a lot of training in active listening, problem solving, customer focused conversations and along the way I've really had my eyes opened to how a majority of people can live their whole lives never really listening to others. Constant interruptions to bring it back to them, one upmanship on stories and experiences, unable to hear anyone else unless it's in the context of them and their experiences of what they're being told. Talk about themselves to a point where you may as well be a concrete wall, for the level of involvement you get in the conversation.

If this sounds like your partner, well then this is a life skill she has never learned. You might want to think about a tactical way of expressing your frustration, in a way that makes her aware of how self-focused she is and how that's making you feel invisible and unsupported. If it's a new problem, it's kind of the other side of the same coin. Maybe she's bored, maybe there's an incompatibility there in that your interests don't interest her, maybe it's a relationship dynamic that has developed where she is the "talker" and you are the "listener" and that's where she is defaulting.

If I was like this, I'd really really want to know. If I was making a partner feel unimportant and unsupported, I'd rather a direct "talking to you can be frustrating" rather than for him to stop trying and slowly lose interest in the relationship. Which is realistically what's at stake here.