Hiding Communication from a previous love interest - Should I forgive?

LegacyUser

I'll keep this short and sweet. Been seeing a guy a couple of months now. I've known him quite some time and he's always expressed an interest in pursuing something with me but I was away. Got back recently. I wasn't sure this guy was my type etc. But I liked him at least as a friend, lots of similar interests values etc.

Anyways we've had a couple of ups and downs for various reasons but mostly got pas them. Thing is I was with him the other day and i'd been signed in to messenger on his phone as my batt had died and I was staying in his house overnight. I signed back out and just seen he'd a couple of messages (it gave the notification) not the messages himself.

I just happened to glance and seen a girls name and what looked like a novel of a message. He quickly shut it down and just mentioned the other message from his cousin. I knew in my gut something was up. He walked me home and was like think i'll leave my phone here I don't need it.

I thought about it all day and convinced myself I was being paranoid. I seen him that evening and said it to him. He told me it was a girl he'd been seeing previously and that he was "Shocked" to see her name come up which is why he reacted like that. I just thought shocked or not if I wasn't there even if he was shocked, he would still read the message.

He said he didn't want to talk about her which is why he didn't say anything, she's a crazy person etc etc. Then that he deleted the message. I was upset he lied to me, tried to hide this from me etc. I kept telling him it's irrelevant who she is or what she is, you can't control other people messaging you but why would you react like that if YOU don't feel you need to hide something.

He told me he was going to tell me, but I have a hard time believing it. She asked him to meet up in the message, apparently was reminiscing about the great times they had together. He said he didn't read all the message, once he seen she wanted to meet up he just deleted it. Again, have a hard time believing that. Doesn't really make sense.

He keeps begging and pleading me to forgive him and telling me he's loves me i'm the only girl he wants to be with.

I don't understand why he wouldn't just respond telling her he's seeing someone. Surely that's the obvious thing to do. He eventually did after two days of pleading with me. She wrote back and apparently told him to get over himself that she was asking to meet up as a friend and is happily living with her boyfriend, that she meant as friends. Then blocked him. No trace or mention of a relationship on her Facebook page.

I just don't know what to believe. I feel like i'll never know what the truth is, why he hid it and deleted the message.

What makes it worse is he got extremely over a guy i've been friends with my entire life. I have been 100% honest and open about this with him, even shown him messages. Told the friend i'm seeing someone don't want to do anything to jeopardise it etc.

And then this ...

Should I just walk away??

Dtp1979

Short and sweet?

TheadoreT

I dont think his reaction is all that peculiar. Sometimes we may not want to disclose these things to a partner as the person may generally mean nothing to them and if you can avoid causing current partner any worry its often the best course of action, ignorance is bliss ect...

This need for full honestly in every instance is a recipe for disaster, and seeing a white lie(often to protect your feelings) as a indicator of deceit or red flag is such basic level thinking.

That's not to say there could be more to it, but jumping straight to the worst case scenario in these instances every time will leave you perpetually single as everyone lies multiple times a day.

What's probably more concerning than a throwaway text from someone who's likely bored during Covid is that you've been together a few months and have had "ups and downs", that's something a married couple of ten years would say not two people in the throws of a new relationship. Do you have a tendency to overreact to small things similarly to what you have here?

woodchuck

Mod note:

Dtp1979, please don't post unless you have constructive advice for the OP.

Caranica

It's not all that unusual to be friends with exes surely? I'm still friends with almost all of mine. And just friends!! If they were important enough to be in your life in the first place, why cut them out just because it didn't work out?

Sorry OP I think you're totally overreacting.

LegacyUser

Caranica wrote: »

It's not all that unusual to be friends with exes surely? I'm still friends with almost all of mine. And just friends!! If they were important enough to be in your life in the first place, why cut them out just because it didn't work out?

Sorry OP I think you're totally overreacting.

They are not friends. He said she's psycho and hasn't had any contact with her in over a year. So why hide that from me?

Xterminator

Hi OP

Trust is important. He has let you down, by not handling this well at all. But you are really considering breaking up an otherwise good relationship because he didn't own up to receiving a message from his ex!

If they were sexting etc, i guarantee you he would never have signed into messenger on your phone. It sounds like the message was very innocent, and that your reaction appears to be over the top.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

Trust is important. He has let you down, by not handling this well at all. But you are really considering breaking up an otherwise good relationship because he didn't own up to receiving a message from his ex!

If they were sexting etc, i guarantee you he would never have signed into messenger on your phone. It sounds like the message was very innocent, and that your reaction appears to be over the top.

It was the fact he quickly shut down the message and then said it was just his cousin he got a message from. I had been logged into his phone not the other way round. Why not tell her he's seeing someone. It was very lengthy message from what I seen, not just a quick hello. The thing is I had a friend that was a bit flirtatious and I put him straight. I was completely open and honest, but he made a huge deal of it. He said to his sister I deleted our chat history and i'd been going behind his back. Not an ounce of truth in any of this. He completely humiliated me in front of his sister and I forgave him.

So this is just the height of hypocrisy as far as i'm concerned and really hurt me. And now I feel like he's not telling me the full truth anyways. Honestly as if you wouldn't read the full message. Doesn't make sense

Thelonious Monk

Maybe she was an actual psycho but I am always weary when someone describes an ex in OTT ways like psycho, usually there's 2 of them in it

LegacyUser

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Maybe she was an actual psycho but I am always weary when someone describes an ex in OTT ways like psycho, usually there's 2 of them in it

Exactly. Having a hard time believing he "part-read" the message and deleted it. I don't know the first thing about her. He tried to blame her saying well now she's ruined our relationship. I said No she's not responsible for how you react or handle yourself.

TheadoreT

Paininmyheart wrote: »

It was the fact he quickly shut down the message and then said it was just his cousin he got a message from. I had been logged into his phone not the other way round. Why not tell her he's seeing someone. It was very lengthy message from what I seen, not just a quick hello. The thing is I had a friend that was a bit flirtatious and I put him straight. I was completely open and honest, but he made a huge deal of it. He said to his sister I deleted our chat history and i'd been going behind his back. Not an ounce of truth in any of this. He completely humiliated me in front of his sister and I forgave him.

So this is just the height of hypocrisy as far as i'm concerned and really hurt me. And now I feel like he's not telling me the full truth anyways. Honestly as if you wouldn't read the full message. Doesn't make sense

The point xterminator was making was he wouldn't let you near his phone if he had something damning to hide.

His reaction was perfectly natural. The first thing that would go through most innocent peoples heads in that scenario is "****, I better close this so my partner doesnt see this and suffer unnecessary distress". It may not be the perfectly recommended way of dealing with such issues but I definitely think it's the most instinctive.

I dont think he should have had to text her back either. A non reply says all it needs to without going into a awkward I have a girlfriend conversation.

I think you should end this poor guys suffering and let him go as you dont sound like you're in the healthy head space for a relationship and have trust issues.

LegacyUser

TheadoreT wrote: »

The point xterminator was making was he wouldn't let you near his phone if he had something damning to hide.

His reaction was perfectly natural. The first thing that would go through most innocent peoples heads in that scenario is "****, I better close this so my partner doesnt see this and suffer unnecessary distress". It may not be the perfectly recommended way of dealing with such issues but I definitely think it's the most instinctive.

I dont think he should have had to text her back either. A non reply says all it needs to without going into a awkward I have a girlfriend conversation.

I think you should end this poor guys suffering and let him go as you dont sound like you're in the healthy head space for a relationship and have trust issues.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I got accused of "seeing someone else" a few weeks back because I was out for the day with my gay friend of 10 years. He knew all about this, knew said friend was gay and I literally left his house that morning to go meet my friend. He freaked out about a friend of mine flirting with me, which I shut down immediately. Have distanced myself etc. He turned around and made a flippant remark about "having other girls lined up" a few weeks back.

I'm not the one with the trust and insecurity issues. It just feels like one set of rules for him and one for me.

Tork

At the very start of your first post you didn't sound like you were all that keen on him. Despite only being together a short while you mention ups and downs. Is this really worth pursuing?

LegacyUser

Tork wrote: »

At the very start of your first post you didn't sound like you were all that keen on him. Despite only being together a short while you mention ups and downs. Is this really worth pursuing?

All I know is i'm really hurting by his actions but I miss him like crazy. I wouldn't be feeling like that if he didn't mean anything to me. But like you said there's been a lot of ups and downs in a short space of time so I don't know if it's for the best to just walk away. We have the best time together when things are good. We literally just laugh at the most stupid things to the point where one of us will be in tears from laughing. I have let him in on so much of my life that I wouldn't let most people in. Think that's why i'm so hurt too. I've actually let myself be quite vulnerable and thought there were no secrets.

TheadoreT

Paininmyheart wrote: »

That couldn't be further from the truth. I got accused of "seeing someone else" a few weeks back because I was out for the day with my gay friend of 10 years. He knew all about this, knew said friend was gay and I literally left his house that morning to go meet my friend. He freaked out about a friend of mine flirting with me, which I shut down immediately. Have distanced myself etc. He turned around and made a flippant remark about "having other girls lined up" a few weeks back.

I'm not the one with the trust and insecurity issues. It just feels like one set of rules for him and one for me.

Well you should have mentioned that remark in your opening post. It would definitely go some way to explaining your hypersensitivity over the text he received. Either way it paints him in a different light now.

But agree with the above poster that it all sounds like a lot of hard work for a relationship that should be in the floating on a cloud stage.

seenitall

This doesn’t sound great, OP. His display of double standards would worry me the most here. He makes a big song and dance about someone being flirty with you and makes you out to be dogdy about it, while on the other hand he behaves dodgily around his phone - and his whole story on this Psycho ex sounds to me a bit fishy, anyway. On the balance of probabilities, you don’t write someone a lengthy message out of the blue.

Sounds to me like this guy is projecting his own behaviour on to you. Which is bad news. If you want to keep going with him, just be mindful that you acknowledge this about him to yourself, and if going forward you have your eyes wide open to any red flags popping up instead of being blinded by the new relationship feelz, you should be able to suss out his true character, and whether he is worth sticking with, soon enough.

I would most probably be out the door already, tbh. But That’s me - very picky these days! Too picky, some would say

ETA: I just read your latest post and your story sounds very familiar. If you posted about this guy before, the whole thing sounded like more trouble than it was worth then, and it still does.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

This doesn’t sound great, OP. His display of double standards would worry me the most here. He makes a big song and dance about someone being flirty with you and makes you out to be dogdy about it, while on the other hand he behaves dodgily around his phone - and his whole story on this Psycho ex sounds to me a bit fishy, anyway. On the balance of probabilities, you don’t write someone a lengthy message out of the blue.

Sounds to me like this guy is projecting his own behaviour on to you. Which is bad news. If you want to keep going with him, just be mindful that you acknowledge this about him to yourself, and if going forward you have your eyes wide open to any red flags popping up instead of being blinded by the new relationship feelz, you should be able to suss out his true character, and whether he is worth sticking with, soon enough.

I would most probably be out the door already, tbh. But That’s me - very picky these days! Too picky, some would say

ETA: I just read your latest post and your story sounds very familiar. If you posted about this guy before, the whole thing sounded like more trouble than it was worth then, and it still does.

Yeap my gut instinct is never really too far wrong. Nope haven't posted about him before, but yeah I have basically told him he is projecting. I don't believe for 1 minute he didn't read the message. Why would someone who is in a happy relationship living with her bf reach out to an ex to reminisce over the good times they had and ask to meet up. None of it makes sense.

kat86d

I don't think his reaction is unusual at all, he was probably freaked you seen her name. I think the fact he sent her a message to say he was with you and the girls reaction was more exposing. I'd say she wants your man and he's made things clear that he's with you so you have nothing to worry about. I would still keep your eye out though for that girl, she sounds dodgy

Yellow pack crisps

If I’m reading this right he didn’t say she was crazy, psycho etc? Maybe he didn’t want to jeopardise his relationship with you by revealing message etc. I know I’ve messages from exes I haven’t deleted, not for any reason just never deleted them. If you have the best of times together then why not see where it goes? Despite pop culture dictating new relationships being full of bliss, most have bumps and rocky paths to begin with as we navigate getting to know someone new intimately. What would worry me is his reaction to your friend and your reaction to this. Sounds like communication is poor, but that can be improved. If it was me I’d let it go and maybe take steps to improve your communication and also have a talk about boundaries.

I really don't see what he did wrong here?
He said he was shocked to get the message, so that explains his reaction.
You don't believe that he didn't read the message, that's your decision. Whether he did or not, does it really matter?
They clearly didn't have a great relationship, maybe he just wants to forget it & move on with you?

He didn't hide anything that I can see?

bitofabind

Tork wrote: »

At the very start of your first post you didn't sound like you were all that keen on him. Despite only being together a short while you mention ups and downs. Is this really worth pursuing?

This. Do you have a pattern of being in unhappy relationships OP? What's your relationship history like? Have things like cheating, arguments, drama, on again / off again scenarios been a thing for you?

I don't agree at all that ups and downs are just a fact of life as you navigate intimacy with a new partner. There's a difference between communicating openly and honestly and having uncomfortable but necessary conversations, and just out-and-out drama. Your partner should be on your team, on your side, rallying for you and wanting you to feel safe and loved. Cheating accusations, involving other family members in it, "psycho" exes, secrecy - this is all drama.

Healthy people don't just start tolerating this kind of toxic stuff out of the blue. Which is why OP it's probably worth thinking about your relationship patterns and if you're clear in what you actually need from a partner. You should be at the "building trust" stage of your relationship now, not actively losing trust week in week out based on your partner's behaviours.

Jequ0n

So you weren’t that keen on him but this has now shattered your world?
Maybe you had taken his interest in you for granted and enjoyed being chased, but he’d be an idiot if he had put all his cards on someone who didn’t seem that interested in him. So what’s the big deal if he looked elsewhere while nothing was official?
You say you wouldn’t have minded had he told you the truth but your reaction contradicts this somewhat.

Apologies if I am missing the point here but it just seems such a non issue

valoren

You don't seem that keen on him from what I can see. Are you perhaps trying to use this as an excuse to end it with him? It reads like you respect him, that you know he's into you but instead of directly telling him you're not interested then suggesting there is no trust would be less of a blow for him? It's no wonder he was evasive. He is interested in you and you seeing a message had the potential to scupper his chances. If you're not interested then stop beating around the bush.

Katgurl

You're with this person two months, you've had ups and downs.
He is freaking out about a friendship with a gay man.
You have stepped back from a platonic friendship with a male because of his insecurities.
He has some complication with a 'crazy ex'.
He had to resort to big ott behaviours like leaving his phone in your house (have I got that right?) presumably to reassure you.
You weren't too keen on him.
He's in love with you but only you.
Your world has now fallen apart.

I'm exhausted. This is ridiculous and will get boring very very fast while you both try to maintain this level of excitement. What will happen when there is not drama afoot? Do you have a laugh together, flirt, talk about (regular) stuff etc?

How old are you both?


I had a relationship like this once. I was fifteen/sixteen. By the time I was seventeen I looked back and cringed.

ILoveYourVibes

Katgurl wrote: »

I had a relationship like this once. I was fifteen/sixteen. By the time I was seventeen I looked back and cringed.

This.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

You're with this person two months, you've had ups and downs.
He is freaking out about a friendship with a gay man.
You have stepped back from a platonic friendship with a male because of his insecurities.
He has some complication with a 'crazy ex'.
He had to resort to big ott behaviours like leaving his phone in your house (have I got that right?) presumably to reassure you.
You weren't too keen on him.
He's in love with you but only you.
Your world has now fallen apart.

I'm exhausted. This is ridiculous and will get boring very very fast while you both try to maintain this level of excitement. What will happen when there is not drama afoot? Do you have a laugh together, flirt, talk about (regular) stuff etc?

How old are you both?


I had a relationship like this once. I was fifteen/sixteen. By the time I was seventeen I looked back and cringed.

No you didn't read the post right. He never let anything in my house to reassure me and yes we do get on like a house on fire most of the time. If I wanted drama I wouldn't be considering calling it a day in the first place. That's the whole point of my thread

Tork

Or maybe if you wanted drama you'd want to continue with it?

joeguevara

seenitall wrote: »

This doesn’t sound great, OP. His display of double standards would worry me the most here. He makes a big song and dance about someone being flirty with you and makes you out to be dogdy about it, while on the other hand he behaves dodgily around his phone - and his whole story on this Psycho ex sounds to me a bit fishy, anyway. On the balance of probabilities, you don’t write someone a lengthy message out of the blue.

Sounds to me like this guy is projecting his own behaviour on to you. Which is bad news. If you want to keep going with him, just be mindful that you acknowledge this about him to yourself, and if going forward you have your eyes wide open to any red flags popping up instead of being blinded by the new relationship feelz, you should be able to suss out his true character, and whether he is worth sticking with, soon enough.

I would most probably be out the door already, tbh. But That’s me - very picky these days! Too picky, some would say

ETA: I just read your latest post and your story sounds very familiar. If you posted about this guy before, the whole thing sounded like more trouble than it was worth then, and it still does.

You might be right. Was there a thread a few months back of someone who kissed a guy who then introduced to family etc and told her he loved her etc but then got angry after seeing pictures of her on a day out with gay friend. From what I remember she had no interest but didn’t want to stop seeing him.

Anyway, no one is at fault for someone texting them. But there seems to be way to many issues here and doesn’t come across as a happy thing for either.

Why continue if you say he has insecurity tendencies and why question him about exes.

If it’s not making either happy, life is too short to be constantly on edge, arguing and stumbling from argument to drama.

Move on, find someone new, be swept off your feet, have your fairytale.

Ella281

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Maybe she was an actual psycho but I am always weary when someone describes an ex in OTT ways like psycho, usually there's 2 of them in it

Hi OP,
I second this statement here.
My guard would be up straight away if a man I’m dating slated another woman like that.
Stand back and have a good think.
He’s speaking about another woman. Another human being. Someone he was involved with and not to long ago, was probably mad about her too?
I would be extremely weary of a man who starts calling another woman a “psycho”.

Why the strong reaction?
Does he have something to hide?
Why did the relationship between them end?

These are the questions you should be asking really. There are two sides to every story remember.
You might not be getting the truth. Just bare that in mind.

Ella281

Paininmyheart wrote: »

That couldn't be further from the truth. I got accused of "seeing someone else" a few weeks back because I was out for the day with my gay friend of 10 years. He knew all about this, knew said friend was gay and I literally left his house that morning to go meet my friend. He freaked out about a friend of mine flirting with me, which I shut down immediately. Have distanced myself etc. He turned around and made a flippant remark about "having other girls lined up" a few weeks back.

I'm not the one with the trust and insecurity issues. It just feels like one set of rules for him and one for me.

Other girls lined up?

Get rid!

LegacyUser

I think you should just get over it.
It's only a message and doesnt mean that theres any physiclaty going on.

Can you say for certain that you've never had messages from an ex-love interest?
The majority of people will send or receive messages from ex's.

Paininmyheart

Paininmyheart wrote: »

Thing is I was with him the other day and i'd been signed in to messenger on his phone as my batt had died and I was staying in his house overnight. I signed back out and just seen he'd a couple of messages (it gave the notification) not the messages himself.

I just happened to glance and seen a girls name and what looked like a novel of a message. He quickly shut it down and just mentioned the other message from his cousin. I knew in my gut something was up. He walked me home and was like think i'll leave my phone here I don't need it.

If he had anything to hide, he would not have given you his phone to sign into your messenger because your "batt had died"

When your battery dies, you borrow a charger.

This is what happens when you "just happen to glance" - i.e. -start snooping on someone's phone. The guy probably knows you are of a suspicious nature, and didn't want the hassle of long explanations.

You should both walk away. It all sounds too much like hard work.