How to deal with radio silence from friend

bitofabind

Hi OP. First of all, let me express my condolences on your loss. That's such a difficult grief to go through.

Your friendship with this woman sounds really unhealthy and codependent. With you running rings around her, moving in with her when she was sick, taking the place of a partner, and her giving the total sum of nothing in return. No emotional support, not even a text when you're at your lowest ebb.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a step back from her and try to analyse why this dynamic has developed. This woman contributes no friendship, no emotional support, love, kindness or consideration towards your life whatsoever. Other people seemed to have read her very well and given her the swerve, why haven't you? Is there a chance you're transferring the grief and pain of your recent loss onto this friendship, as it's a sort of easier pain to deal with?

If you look back objectively on this friendship, you'll see that her silence now is entirely predictable, she's never been a friend to you. It's always been a one-way street. To use an analogy - would you walk into a Thai restaurant and try to order Mexican food? Of course not, it's not on the menu. So why then expect love and support from someone that has never demonstrated a capability of that towards you?

Cut her out. Listen to your husband. And surround yourself with the people that have stood the test of time with you - your partner, family, other friends. Stop trying to force a friendship with someone just because you've known them for a long time and have mutual friends. You're allowed to assert your boundaries and say no to things that hurt you consistently, what anyone else has to say is completely irrelevant and none of your business. Try now to spend this time dealing with your loss, grieving and seeking the support where it's available. I wish you the very best.

happyday

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

And just to add to what pp said, I would also delete all messages. It's dragging you back into the past, rereading them. You're still putting her 'in charge'. She isn't. You are.

Practise saying something in your head when you find yourself ruminating over how she has acted. Even something like 'not now' when you feel yourself drifting. And actively turn your thoughts to something else.

Make yourself do something, anything, make a cuppa, clean a window, do a handstand, whatever, so that you are consciously stopping the rumination in its tracks.

I want to echo what others have said, that I hope you will have a successful pregnancy, in the near future.

Hilda your posts make a lot of sense. This sounds like a very good tactic and I think I'll try it myself for people who take up too much of my headspace.

Jequ0n

Normally I’d say keep the messages saved somewhere in case the person resurfaces and tries to twist your words/ memories.
You seem to have made up your mind though and people around you who will remind you why you should not even engage in any conversation again. She knows your pressure points so don’t engage at all.

JustAThought

OP I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and the tragedy of this for your family and long standing dreams and hopes.

It could be that like many people your ‘friend’ is just really unable to express her feelings of remorse and sympathy properly and is hiding behind ‘giving you time’ to avoid having to discuss extremely difficult emotions or subject matter with you. I was brought up never to comment on or discuss with women fertility issues and the 1990’s style of avoiding serious subjects but showing that you know and care by saying that - and giving space. Or avoiding fraught and difficult subjects. You’d think I was reared by wolves but it is a ‘stiff upper lip’ kind of upbringing that many people have had - sadly.

I know its not the kind of support you would offer or give, but perhaps it is all she is cabable of giving - and thinks that by giving you space to grieve and be with your husband grieving together that she is mot being intrusive, disrespectful, voyeuristic or gossipy. He/ She might be good at moaning but not so versed in offering practical comfort or soothing words - a failure in her part but it does jot mean she dosn’t care or have empathy - just that she cannot express it or is dreadful at gauging how to and thinks adknowledging it and giving space is sufficient - when it obviously in 2020 - isn’t.

I am so very sorry about your little, much loved, wanted, and wished for baby and your loss and pain.

440Hertz

I'm very sorry about your loss and send my condolences.

Speaking from personal experience, I would just be polite and friendly but forget about them. Anyone who uses the silent treatment to punish someone is manipulative. You'll always be in the wrong and they will keep you walking on eggshells and they will keep finding more and more problems.

A friend will be there for you and with you, and there's a mutual understanding of each other. It's not about controlling the other person, which seems to be what's going on here.

I wouldn't cause a conflict or be rude, but I wouldn't bother endulging radios silence by even noticing them and I would revaluate the relationship. Sometimes you're better off letting some friendships fizzle out.

curiousJudg

Haven't logged into this account for a while but thought I might just re-acctivate this old thread rather than start a new one - I didn't think i'd have to ask advice again about this person. Long story short following the issue I discussed on this thread I pulled back completely, helped [1] by the advice given here but [2] by her horrific reaction to an incredibly close friend of mine's sudden illness and very quick death (she actually managed to make it about herself again) anyway I cut off contact, other than a wave or a hello in the estate that was it. I made damn sure that I didn't go bitching to any mutual friends, when they asked what happened I just said we has a disagreement and we decided not to be friends - I went out of my way to not bitch about her -I did my bitching on boards.ie instead!. Anyway so we're about a year and a half later and we've not communicated in any friendship type way but I met a mutual friend and because of Covid I hadn't actually seen them for a over a year, she informed me that my old friend told her and others that I'm gay and that the reason we are no longer friends is because i'm trying to stay married etc etc - kind of making out that there was something sexual between us?? So look, here it is, I don't think there is anything wrong with being gay, I have no hang ups in that regard, however I am not gay nor have I ever ever been inclined that way (she is gay btw) -I am loath to start a fight with her or even to communicate with her about this as I don't want to give her head space, I also don't want to get mutual friends into trouble for telling me but I hate the fact that she is lying about me and then there is the 'me think she doth protest too much' angle..... husband says just let it go, blank her out of my mind but I'm pretty mad over it all - I thought we'd all moved in in an adult kind of way. So should I say something to her or just leave it?

Jequ0n

You should be amused by her pathetic attempts to badmouth you. Her reasoning made no sense, and this won’t be lost on those she told the story to. You can also be sure that you won’t be the only person in your circle of friends who has experienced her behaviour. Just ignore her and do not get baited into reacting to her nonsense.

”the woman sounds like a sociopath. Id continue to steer well clear.” And, OP, ignore this sort of unqualified nonsense

oceanman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058122622/how-to-deal-with-radio-silence-from-friend

this person is not your friend.....walk away and dont look back.

Dial Hard

I think she's recruited your friend as an inadvertent "flying monkey" in an attempt to provoke you into making contact. Laugh it off as the amateur-hour tactic it is and continue to ignore her.

HildaOgdenx

Agree with pp. What would be achieved by saying anything to her? She would be dragging you back into her ridiculous mind games.

I would keep the high ground, if I were you. If anyone mentions that she said you were gay, I would say 'that was news to me alright, and definitely news to himself haha'.

It's an attempt to provoke you into a response, imo. Ignore.

Sardonicat

Agree with above. Make no attempt to contact her, she is trying to draw you into a conflict in an attempt to smear you further. If anyone else brings up this ridiculous story make a point of laughing and say you can't wait to tell your husband cos it will give him a good laugh. Any further attempts to draw you into a conversation about her shut down straight away "I'm not giving a feckin eejit like that any headspace". She's a very damaged person, don't engage with her or in conversation about her with anyone else.

Jafin

What in the actual f**k is wrong with this woman? Even if you were gay, which you're not, she should know as a gay woman herself that it is NEVER ok to out someone. She is clearly pissed that you cut contact and she is acting out. This is teenage level stuff, like really juvenile. When I was in secondary school my friend and I got into a fight and I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore. He went around telling everyone that I kept trying to be friends with him and that he kept saying no. His ego was hurt. He was used to being Mr. Popularity and couldn't handle the rejection. Sounds like your friend may be the same. You are well rid of her.

Take your husband's advice, and the advice of others here - don't engage with her, and if any mutual friends come to you with this "she said you're gay and wanted to be with her" story tell them it's all a lie.

bottlebrush

Leave it. The best reaction is no reaction. This person thrives on drama so don't get back on the stage with her.

Sounds to me like you're the scapegoat for all sorts of issues she has in her life. If you bow out, you'll be easily replaced with somebody else, unfortunately for them. She's likely deeply envious of what you have or what you are so she's trying to sabotage what you've got to make herself feel better. Keep stum and don't fuel her fire.

curiousJudg

Yeah looks like the consensus is to ignore it - it's genuinely not the calling me gay that bother's me - it's the fact that in my opinion she's trying to allude to the fact that the friendship broke up because of it i.e it was more than friends etc or could have been more than friends and i 'opted out' in order to stay married - she takes no responsibility for anything. The friendship broke up because of the reasons I mentioned much earlier & her total disrespect of my husband etc. Ahhh look i'm annoyed that i'm even bothered by it - i kept a social media friendship with her up to this point but I think i'll just have to cut off everything now. You guys are right though - those friends that know me know the truth, she's telling people that don't know me as well so i guess they'll think what they want. So efffing teenagerish. As usual thanks for the advice guys i'm gonna work hard the next few days to not get riled by it

curiousJudg

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419209#Comment_119419209

that's what my husband thinks as well - says she's really that lonely that any attention will do

Sardonicat

Most people she has regular contact with will understand the type of individual they are dealing with fairly quickly and pull back or completely cut her off. I find with people like this, their long term friends are of a similar ilk and are no loss to you and their opinions about you count for nought. Don't be just thinking about blocking her on SM - do it. Don't give her any window into your life. Any information she can get about you on SM can be used to support her lies so shut her out everywhere.

curiousJudg

Yeah i left the social media things open because i was trying to be grown up about it - didn't want other people wondering why we're not friends etc - just keep the drama out of it really but that was probably a mistake - i guess i need now to just shut it all down - she doesn't have good intentions towards me that's obvious

curiousJudg

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419439#Comment_119419439

yeah never thought of it that way in fairness - she has form for it to be honest but I never really thought about it, she would just tell me about people (who I didn't know well or at all ) that they were actually gay either the husband or the wife etc & I just assumed she knew that this was the case obviously now I think a little differently about it. This will sound strange - she's a gay woman but I honestly think she hates the fact that she's gay, she's lonely, she doesn't have any success really in meeting people, she seems to almost resent it, has no time for lets say other member of LGBTQ eg trans or gay men. It's all stuff I haven't thought of for a long time - that's why I hate that she's back in my head again.

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419550#Comment_119419550

Why would your friends know if you block her? And if they do enquire just tell them she's not someone you want to be friends with.

Jequ0n

Might be worth checking that you have your privacy settings set up correctly so that others can’t tag you without your permission. You don’t have to be an expert to keep some visibility of a person’s sm profiles.

curiousJudg

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119419582#Comment_119419582

I guess no my real friends know the story - more people that we might know in common that would be nosy etc but no look I get what you're saying just block rather than 'unfriend'. I don't actually post much at all on SM rarely if ever, she is a prolific poster posting every single day so i'd cut her off more because I don't want to be reminded of her rather than I don't want her seeing anything on my page.

Tork

There's nothing you can do to fix what she's saying behind your back. As you've correctly noted, you're in "the lady doth protest too much" territory here and nothing you say can undo her words. If somebody happens to bring it up (unlikely) just swat the rumours away casually in the ways mentioned above. I wonder how many people who aren't close friends give a stuff what's going on between you? These rumours might not have gone very far at all and maybe you're overestimating how much you feature in other people's conversations.

Even if her gossip has travelled, she sounds like somebody who most people get wise to and fall out with. I think you indulged her far more than other people ever did. And so, how many people will actually take her word as gospel? She sounds like a bit of a dose and somebody who others will keep at a healthy distance. The most important thing is that your husband is on your side and you can continue to live a good life, you're going to be OK. You're giving too much credence to what other people think and there's nothing wrong with blocking her on social media. Most people don't care and it'll just make her look childish.

Still stihl waters 3

She's a cnut, move on

curiousJudg

Thanks guys- glad to have gotten it out of my system today or at least I feel like I’m getting it out of my system. I’ll go forward & just block her out as per the advice- silly silly all of it!

Big Bag of Chips

she's lonely, she doesn't have any success really in meeting people,

Maybe if she wasn't such a bitch she might have a better chance of someone actually liking her.

Tork said it above, you've indulged her and stuck around far longer than anyone else would. I'd say most people have the measure of her, and take anything she says with a pinch of salt or actually just avoid her.

One thing to keep in mind, I'll borrow the wise words of Dr. Seuss

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind".

Anyone who knows anything about her will take no notice. Anyone who cares about you will know she's bullshtting. Anyone who doesn't know you or who doesn't speak much to you.. Who cares? They have no bearing or influence on your life.

Block her. Don't hide her. Block her. Let her know you're done with her. Who cares who knows or finds out.