How to deal with radio silence from friend

curiousJudg

Odd kind of situation at the moment and without going into all the ins and outs of it I was wondering does anyone have any advice on how to deal with a very close friend who uses 'radio silence' to punish you for some perceived slight. I have a very close friend and over the years I'd notice for example, if I didn't respond to a text fairly quickly I wouldn't get another text back for days and when I did it would be quite short or if I had unintentionally upset her in some way I wouldn't get texts for ages despite sending texts. This has gone on for some time now and I have always known about it but ignored it as I found it petty and I just thought don't even acknowledge it as I know for a fact she would deny it completely and also it just weirds me out as we're far too old for that nonsense so I just basically keep texting and being nice until she snaps out of it which she usually does.

Lately however what has happened is that I went through a fairly serious time recently & I explained it all by text to her as I was just too upset to speak to anybody face to face. I got a text back saying that she knew something was up with me as I had snapped at her a few weeks beforehand (genuinely no idea what she is referring to here and I don't believe I snapped at her for anything as she's quite sensitive) and then she finished the text by saying sorry to hear that I hope you're okay. I have literally heard nothing back from her for weeks now since that text - total and utter silence and normally I am the one who keeps texting and breaks the silence but on this occasion I am so hurt by her indifference to what happened to me and all because I apparently snapped at her a few weeks before hand. This issue (a medical issue) just seems so much more important and as a friend I would have thought that her first and only priority would be to support me. The question is this? should I break radio silence again or should I (as my mother advises me) just leave it go now, if she couldn't support me through this is she really a friend? I hate the pettiness of this and should also mention that there are a few other friends in our circle who would be impacted by a fall out.

Purgative

Friends are with you and there for you during tough times. Other people are acquaintances.


I'm with your Mother.

Caranica

In our lives we have drains and radiators. Only one type keep you warm.

Advice I got from a dear departed friend many years ago, advice I'll never forget. Ask yourself if this "friend" is actually a friend, a radiator. Because if they're a drain, they're no good for you.

wirelessdude01

Fcuk them. Sometimes not having people in your life makes things easier.

Tork

Your mother knows you, she knows this friend (I assume). She's advising you to let this friendship go. What does that say?

HildaOgdenx

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

She only saw the issue completely from her side, i.e you supposedly snapped at her. Imagine that being anyone's first reaction when a friend confides in them about something significant in their life.

'...(genuinely no idea what she is referring to here and I don't believe I snapped at her for anything as she's quite sensitive) and then she finished the text by saying sorry to hear that I hope you're okay. I have literally heard nothing back.'

It is extraordinary how often this type of person manages to convey that they are sensitive, but strangely they are only sensitive about their own feelings and feel free to behave as they please towards others.

Leave her to it. I can't abide mind games at the best of times, radio silence and the rest. Life is too short for that nonsense.

And the fallout may be far from as significant as you imagine it will be.
Mind yourself.

curiousJudg

Hilda you’ve hit the nail on the head about being sensitive I could just never articulate what it was she was doing! She absolutely cries at the drop of a hat, she tells me all the time how sensitive she is and how such and such hurt her feelings but yet she is so insensitive to me and indeed others! Thanks for that observation that alone helps. Yeah people in my life tell me to leave her off now but as I said there is a group of friends plus I happen to live in the same estate as her so see her all the time - I just don’t want life to be awkward now. That said, I spent last night crying over this whole drama and I rarely get upset over things like this so it really is bothering me. The issue I had - I’ll just say it .. a miscarriage after years & years of trying has devastated me and she acts as though I had a visit to the dentist. Her routine now will be to not contact me then when I make contact she’ll say how hurt she was by me not contacting her and excluding her, for her part she’ll say she was giving me space. I know pretty much how it’ll go, my husband and others just think it’s a total waste of my time thanks all for the replies it does actually focus me a bit more on what I need to do

Hannibal_Smith

Ah curiousJudg what a horrible way to react to you when you told her about your miscarriage. I'm very sorry for your loss, it's a terribly sad time. For a friend to turn it round and make it about her is really heartless.

You don't have to make an obvious disconnection from the friend. But I certainly wouldn't be texting her or trying to break the silence. I find with people like her, if you ignore them they'll start upping the dramatics looking for attention. Don't bite, she'll never see how one sided the friendship is. Just keep her at arms length to keep tensions low around everyone else. And don't feel at all guilty about it. You can be sure she's not wracked with guilt!

Look after yourself.

Zebrag

I've two best friends that I've known since primary school and I've had one friend from this "group" that sounds exactly like your friend.

Everyone nearly has to watch what they say or do so this friend doesn't getting offended and god forbid you have any issues in your life, big or small, this friend will either ignore your pleas for a friendly chat or somehow change the conversation to themselves and doesn't ask you once how you're doing. I've never classed her as a friend as such but I wouldnt go out of my way to ignore her, I just simply don't entertain her. If she is planning on heading out for a walk as such, I happily go along, I just don't give her any information about myself and I don't ask anything about her life, but she tells me anyways.

She sounds exactly like your friend. If the problem or issues don't apply to her and her life, then she doesn't care. It's as simple as that. A friend, regardless of how good or bad life is, will be there to chat, comfort and grow with but this friend sounds like her life is more important. This friend isn't worthy of you, your life, your efforts, your patience. Nothing. They have shown their true colours and honestly, they are doing you a favour in being like this as now you can walk away knowing you're not as heartless as they are.

I'm truly sorry to hear about your misscarrage OP. I can't begin to imagine how you feel and I would love to give you a friendly hug.

Take the advice from your mother and let this so called friend be petty. Somehow they always come back with their tails between their legs when they need a friend so believe me, your friend is the one being petty and heartless, not you.

OP you should focus on your life. Your wants and needs in live and cancel out any of the negativity, especially negativity from people who are self centered. I believe we all have issues in our lives, but I don't believe in ignoring friends who are in a situation of need either so for that OP and from your post, I think you need to cut this friend and look at who you have and focus on those who do care. This friend simply doesn't care.

Alf Veedersane

Friends should be people who add to your life.

It sounds like you would only be contacting her for the sake of diplomacy.

I know how tough a miscarriage can be. To be so petty and insensitive and make no effort to be there for you is pathetic.

Leave her off.

fineso.mom

Had a 'friend' like this too Op, I had seen her cut people out of her life ovee perceived slights and then make contact with them again when she needed someone to socialise with.
She fell out with me when I tried to warn her about her boyfriend (who had forged her name on a document). She said some terrible things to me and cut me dead and didn't speak to me for weeks,even when I went through a very traumatic experience and a mutual friend told her I was in a terrible state. Then one day I met her randomly and she asked if we could meet for a coffee. In my innocence I thought she wanted to chat and apologise for her behaviour, but no, it was as if nothing had happened. Didn't even acknowledge that I was right about the now ex boyfriend and spent most of the chat slating him.
I let it go and decided that she needed my friendship but always held back a bit as I didn't trust her anymore.
Anyway, a couple of years later she fell out with another friend, broke that friends heart but I stayed out of it. Then she tried to turn me against that friend and I, as kindly as possible told her our friendship was over. I wished her only well and thanked her for all the fun times and said I was sorry.

Anyway, shortly after this a young man who had been like a son to me died tragically. She knew how much he meant to me and how close we were. She couldn't rise above her anger at me to reach out with even a text.
That finally showed me what a self centered and heartless person she is. I would cross the street to avoid her if I saw her now.
I'm so happy she is out of my life,, she was so draining and I only saw that properly once she was gone.
And she is the only person in 51 years that I have done that with so it's not like I drop people willy nilly.
Your 'friend' is not a friend.

Batgurl

To be honest, if your gut is telling you she’s not a friend then you should listen to it as our gut is usually the best instinct.

However, just for a different perspective, you say that you will message her repeatedly, even if she doesn’t reply. And that you think her first and only priority should be to support you during your illness. Is it possible she thinks you are a bit high maintenance? And she’s trying to draw some boundaries here?

It depends on your life experience and life circumstances, but if I were to get sick, I wouldn’t expect my friends to care for me. A lot of my friends are married with jobs and kids and problems of their own (especially in Covid) so I wouldn’t expect them to drop everything for me.

Do you have other friends and family that you can rely on? I’ve always found having varied friendship groups is important so that if you find yourself drifting away from one friend (as you seem to be) then you have other support networks that you can rely on for a social life.

km991148

This person has issues and isn't able to be your friend.
If you weren't already dealing with your own issues, then I might suggest that it might be worth pointing this out, but even then it would probably just create more drama and discomfort for you.

Right now you don't need that. Be sad that the good parts of the friendship (I'm assuming there were some) are gone, but ultimately you've got to look after yourself and you don't need that sort of headache.

Maybe one day she will realise that get narcissistic behaviour was out if hand an do you will be back in touch but it will probably take years for that to happen (is the realisation), if it happens at all.

Alf Veedersane

Batgurl wrote: »

To be honest, if your gut is telling you she’s not a friend then you should listen to it as our gut is usually the best instinct.

However, just for a different perspective, you say that you will message her repeatedly, even if she doesn’t reply. And that you think her first and only priority should be to support you during your illness. Is it possible she thinks you are a bit high maintenance? And she’s trying to draw some boundaries here?

It depends on your life experience and life circumstances, but if I were to get sick, I wouldn’t expect my friends to care for me. A lot of my friends are married with jobs and kids and problems of their own (especially in Covid) so I wouldn’t expect them to drop everything for me.

Do you have other friends and family that you can rely on? I’ve always found having varied friendship groups is important so that if you find yourself drifting away from one friend (as you seem to be) then you have other support networks that you can rely on for a social life.

Tbf, and I know you're mostly just playing Devil's Advocate, but the 'friend' is the one who appears to be high maintenance.

And maybe their only priority shouldn't be to support the OP but they haven't offered any support at all, which is different from giving someone space.

There's nothing worth salvaging here.

Sardonicat

OP, this 'friend' doesn't seem to have a drop of empathy. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and I'm sorry your grief was compounded by this person's lack of care for you. Please don't give her any more head space. She isn't your friend. I don't think she's capable of being anyone's friend and unfeeling responses like hers at times of crisis and sadness can actually compound our emotional suffering and trauma . One thing is for certain, she doesn't deserve a caring friend like you. Don't let her cyphon off any more of your natural kindness . Keep your kindness and compassion for those who can appreciate it and radiate back to you when you need it. And keep it for yourself as you mourn your loss.

Tork

OP, I have a feeling you'll be letting this "very close friend" back into your life at some point. In the meantime, I strongly advise you to think about what sort of relationship you plan to have with her when this happens. From the limited information you've given us here, she doesn't sound like very close friend material. I'm struggling to see how she's a friend at all. Is she really that good a friend or have you bigged the friendship up in your mind? There's a strange needy punishing/appeasing thing going on between you which isn't healthy or normal. I bet none of your other friends have ever treated you like this.

Her behaviour when you had this miscarriage should tell you everything you need to know about her. I bet everybody else on this thread felt more sympathy for you than she did. It makes me wonder did she just tune out when you were confiding in her about your desire to have a baby. I wouldn't be surprised if she's currently lying low because she doesn't want to hear about your miscarriage and is biding her time until she thinks you'll no longer have anything to say about it.

She is never going to be the friend you want her to be. She's not the person you think she is. Because of this, you've got to manage your expectations of her and decide how to deal with her going forward. If she's somebody you can't easily cut from your life, you can distance yourself from her without having a big bust-up. You can still be friendly towards her but in the manner you would be if you met an acquaintance. In other words, keep your conversations superficial and talk about the weather or something. Don't even attempt to confide in her or

Pull right back from this "friendship" you had with her and stop confiding in her. Reduce any conversations with her to the level of talking about the weather and leave it at that. Pleasant but superficial. If she suggests meeting up, say "that'll be nice" and arrange nothing. If she texts, be pleasant but polite. It wouldn't surprise me if other people in your circle cottoned on to her behaviour a long time ago and know what she's really like. Maybe you're the only one who has been wearing blinkers?

curiousJudg

Hi and thanks to everybody for the replies a lot of you have hit on a few points that I guess I did kind of know in the back of my mind. There’s obviously a lot of other things that have happened both good & bad in the friendship. My friend is long term single and is very unlikely to be with anybody in the future, she has only ever had one relationship which lasted a few years. My husband would say that I have taken a place of a partner in her life in that I would be the person she calls if she needs anything or even just wants to talk etc I have allowed this almost out of guilt as I have a very happy home and husband of 20 years so sometimes I feel bad that she is on her own so I go a bit over & above. I accepted things in the past that I wasn’t happy about but I did go along with it to keep the peace & also because I felt that she has no one else close - she has a lot of acquaintances but no close friends like I would be. She had her own medical issues a year ago and I stayed with her on & off for months to assist her while she got over them. That’s why I’m so shocked by her treatment of me over this, somebody mentioned that she didn’t ask about fertility issues etc and nail on head there! She never ever wanted to know what was happening in that department. As it stands now she still has not contacted me and I very much suspect that she is building her case of how I hurt her by not texting her to tell her how i was.... she is always always the wronged one. I am , thanks to the responses here more aware now that this person is not a good friend and I definitely think she needs to be at best an acquaintance. I am simply worn out with the mind games & the silence ....I bloody hate silence! Thanks again all you’ve really all helped me this weekend , I just need to man up now

Tork

Something tells me the people close to you are hoping this falling-out is permanent. I'm sure this woman has some good points but honestly, I can't understand why you'd want to be friends with a person like this. I'm genuinely stumped as to what's so wonderful about her and why she seems to have this hold over you. You sound like a lovely compassionate person but I think you're going to have to learn how to be more discerning about who you share your heart with. It's not your problem if this woman doesn't have any other friends or is single. Maybe she's alone in this world because everybody else saw her for what she was and stepped back. Someone earlier in the thread mentioned radiators and drains. You're a radiator and I'm sure there are many people in your life who love having you around. This woman is a drain, pure and simple. She's a user, a parasite, somebody who isn't worth the hassle. Instead of fretting about the silence, you should be enjoying it. It means you don't have to be dealing with her selfishness.

HildaOgdenx

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Just to add to what I said upthread and other posters have alluded to it, turn that compassion towards yourself. I'm not a therapist, and I don't pretend to be one. But maybe some of the tears you have shed, (understandably) have been for your loss, as well as the loss of the friendship that you thought was there.

OP, there's an upside, dare I say it , to the restrictions we are currently dealing with. I say this in the context of the fact that you live in the same estate. Smile and wave, if you see her. Don't engage.

When you find that she is occupying head space, clear her out. Just don't go there. Stop your thoughts in their tracks. It will take a bit of work, but it will be worth it.
Focus on yourself, your husband, and your real friends.

Mind yourself.

curiousJudg

Thanks Hilda, it’s definitely occupying head space at the mo. I took a glance back through texts between us & it really does tell the tale but I don’t even want to go there with her. I don’t actually want to get into all the negativity with her, I resent very much that a sad time in my life has been overshadowed by this rubbish! As you say just get her out of the head space, it’s sad to see the end of what could be a good friendship with lots of mutual likes, music, travel etc but I’ve had other issues over the years with her and it’s time now I suspect to move on. How silly all this is at our age, embarrassing actually. Thanks one & all for thoughtful responses. Off out now for a long walk and a coffee with the doggos & himself ðŸ‘

Katgurl

Hi OP,


I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know you have you your husband and your mother, please draw on them for support.


Your friend sounds awful. Do you have other friends? I read your op and she reminded me of a friend I have since youth. High maintenance, accusatory, passive aggressive. I rely on her for nothing and truth be told don't really like her anymore but she hasn't done anything bad enough for me to hurt her. My other friends (I brought her into the group) find her hard work for the same reasons but know she means well and we all rub along as a group ok.

However your friend has gone way beyond that. I couldn't believe it when I read your update. She managed to turn your loss into an opportunity to try to make you feel guilty about how you supposedly treated her.

Honestly I would cut her right off. And if she tries to drag you into a conversation about it I would very briefly say to her "Our friendship felt very one-way most of the time. I could overlook that but when I had trauma in my life you used it as an opportunity to berate me. This was the nail in the coffin. I feel it's best we move on from each other."

Tork

curiousJudg wrote: »

...it’s sad to see the end of what could be a good friendship with lots of mutual likes, music, travel etc but I’ve had other issues over the years with her and it’s time now I suspect to move on. How silly all this is at our age, embarrassing actually. Thanks one & all for thoughtful responses. Off out now for a long walk and a coffee with the doggos & himself ðŸ‘

You say it "could be" a good friendship but was it ever really that? Is there any chance that your eagerness to be great friends made you ignore these "issues", whatever they were. Were you filling in the blanks with your own imagination? I bet you've seen versions of her reaction to your miscarriage before but you either swept them under the carpet or got over them quickly. A heartbreaking tragedy like a miscarriage is a completely different thing. She let you down really badly here but was she always going to do that anyway?

You're lucky to have a husband and other friends in your life. I hope they're all helping you during this really awful time. It's at times like these that you find out who your real friends are. You've just found one who isn't. Please don't let her back into your life.

qwerty13

This is just a question - and I might be very off. Is there a chance that your friend really wants a child, and finds it very difficult to deal with you talking about that?

That could be totally wrong. And it sounds like it is wrong. I just wanted to mention that as a possibility

curiousJudg

qwerty13 wrote: »

This is just a question - and I might be very off. Is there a chance that your friend really wants a child, and finds it very difficult to deal with you talking about that?

That could be totally wrong. And it sounds like it is wrong. I just wanted to mention that as a possibility

Hi no absolutely not, in fact rigidly hates anything to do with children, no time whatsoever for them and literally tunes out when people talk about kid stuff. A lot of thought has gone into this friendship over the last few weeks, what I mean by a good friendship is that it wasn't all bad, there were great fun times too - holidays, trips, adventures etc, her real passion is travel and I suspect that I was a handy person to have around to travel with as she doesn't have anyone else really that she could go with. I feel now that because of Covid I am redundant, there are no adventures to go on and no travel so she doesn't need me. Moreover I suspect that she is very worried now that I actually did get pregnant as I don't think she ever really thought it would happen. Am still getting the silent treatment but day on day i'm getting used to it now and for that reason I won't be pursuing contact

ManOfMystery

I call people like this emotion vampires, they exist only to leech off you and have nothing to give back.

My wife was friends with a woman for years, she was constantly going through work dramas and personal dramas and so on. And always offloading her concerns to my wife. Nothing wrong with that per se; that's what friends are for. But on reflection now, it was all one-way traffic.

Their friendship came to a natural end a few months after my wife's father died. Her 'friend' never got in touch with her once to commiserate in the weeks after it happened, and when she eventually did, she was in tears and turned the whole thing around to HER life - how she had so much going on, and she was a poor friend, blah blah blah - looking for sympathy from my wife, who was still in mourning. I don't think my wife got a single word in about her father.

People like this should be treated as a cancer on your life, and cut out.

Tork

curiousJudg wrote: »

Moreover I suspect that she is very worried now that I actually did get pregnant as I don't think she ever really thought it would happen.

This thought crossed my mind but I didn't want to say it, in case it hurt you. For a user like her, you having a baby would be the worst thing in the world. And now you tell us she doesn't like children. All she'll have cared about when you had your miscarriage is that the impediment to future travelling adventures had gone away. She doesn't care one iota what you are going through.

Honestly, the longer she stays out of your life, the more I hope the scales fall from your eyes. She sounds like somebody who's pleasant on the outside but is rotten at her core. The sort of person you might have the craic with but would never ever confide in.

You have other people in your life who care about you and that's really great. They're the ones to concentrate on, not this leech. And I hope that you still get to have that longed-for child.

curiousJudg

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I call people like this emotion vampires, they exist only to leech off you and have nothing to give back.

My wife was friends with a woman for years, she was constantly going through work dramas and personal dramas and so on. And always offloading her concerns to my wife. Nothing wrong with that per se; that's what friends are for. But on reflection now, it was all one-way traffic.

Their friendship came to a natural end a few months after my wife's father died. Her 'friend' never got in touch with her once to commiserate in the weeks after it happened, and when she eventually did, she was in tears and turned the whole thing around to HER life - how she had so much going on, and she was a poor friend, blah blah blah - looking for sympathy from my wife, who was still in mourning. I don't think my wife got a single word in about her father.

People like this should be treated as a cancer on your life, and cut out.

I can very much relate to this! I've been quite lucky I guess in that I have realistically had very little issues/traumas etc such as deaths, illness or situations where I needed backup.... until now which is why I'm shocked at how I was treated.

curiousJudg

Tork wrote: »

You have other people in your life who care about you and that's really great. They're the ones to concentrate on, not this leech. And I hope that you still get to have that longed-for child.

Thanks Tork, appreciate it -I am very lucky with what I have, onwards and upwards

rainbowtrout

curiousJudg wrote: »

Hi no absolutely not, in fact rigidly hates anything to do with children, no time whatsoever for them and literally tunes out when people talk about kid stuff. A lot of thought has gone into this friendship over the last few weeks, what I mean by a good friendship is that it wasn't all bad, there were great fun times too - holidays, trips, adventures etc, her real passion is travel and I suspect that I was a handy person to have around to travel with as she doesn't have anyone else really that she could go with. I feel now that because of Covid I am redundant, there are no adventures to go on and no travel so she doesn't need me. Moreover I suspect that she is very worried now that I actually did get pregnant as I don't think she ever really thought it would happen. Am still getting the silent treatment but day on day i'm getting used to it now and for that reason I won't be pursuing contact

She may genuinely have no interest in kids, but it might also be a case that because she is perennially single it's not something that she wants to have conversations about because there is no chance of her having any in the foreseeable future.

I think you need to stop thinking of her giving you the silent treatment. She probably is, but you are still thinking about it and giving her control of the situation, that you would be in contact with her if she chose to grace you with a reply. Start thinking about the fact that you will be distancing yourself from her, and if you do have her in your life in any capacity that it will be on your terms and not hers.

Stop thinking 'she's giving me the silent treatment', and start thinking 'this is someone I need to give a wide berth because they are a drain on my time and good nature'.

HildaOgdenx

And just to add to what pp said, I would also delete all messages. It's dragging you back into the past, rereading them. You're still putting her 'in charge'. She isn't. You are.

Practise saying something in your head when you find yourself ruminating over how she has acted. Even something like 'not now' when you feel yourself drifting. And actively turn your thoughts to something else.

Make yourself do something, anything, make a cuppa, clean a window, do a handstand, whatever, so that you are consciously stopping the rumination in its tracks.

I want to echo what others have said, that I hope you will have a successful pregnancy, in the near future.

ILoveYourVibes

She/he is not a real friend.