Phyisical Atteaction Vs Personality

Cali1978

Ok and what happens if you’ve met them for a date and you really didn’t fancy them but got on well all the same?? This dating craic is so hard!!

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks the OP is looking for advice. This thread is not the place for general discussion on dating. If you have advice for the OP, you are welcome to share it. If not please move to another thread.

Thanks

HS

PoisonIvyBelle

PoisonIvyBelle wrote: »

I would say that physical attraction IS a dealbreaker, but I look it in terms of "am I sexually attracted to this person?" rather than "is this someone who fits a standard ideal of attractiveness".

If I was talking to someone I got on with and I was on the fence looks-wise, I'd meet him, because you often just don't know if you'll have that spark or attraction until you meet in person. There are lots of things that can make a person attractive; humour, certain mannerisms, certain features you notice more during conversation - that kind of thing. And you need to see them in person to figure out if those things are there.

To clarify, meet him and see how you feel - you've nothing to lose.

bitofabind

Cali1978 wrote: »

Ok and what happens if you’ve met them for a date and you really didn’t fancy them but got on well all the same?? This dating craic is so hard!!

You murder him and never speak of it again.

:pac::pac::pac: Now come on. Seriously. This is what's known as being an adult. How about your trust yourself to treat others with respect whilst respecting your own boundaries, and tell said fella you think he's lovely but didn't feel a spark. Dating is as hard as you decide to make it.

Cali1978

So if there’s no attraction on meeting then leave it? Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision and I do respectfully but it’s not always easy to meet someone who is easy to talk to. You wonder if you should continue seeing them but then thats not necessarily fair either. In the OP case a date needs to happen so she can get a better idea, but what if she’s not attracted?

Yellow pack crisps

Attraction is a funny thing. Most happy couples will have one partner saying He/She wasn’t my type but now I can’t get enough of them. Pictures on social media or dating sites should be taking with a pinch of salt, go to your FB etc and look at the people’s photos you know in real life, most won’t look like a true reflection of them the way you see them when you meet in public. Sometimes something can just draw us in when we meet people. A dimple, a small scar, a crooked smile, eyes, the list can go on. Our optics can see things in reality that we can’t see with a picture. Meet and see how it goes.

LegacyUser

At least meet in person OP. Attraction isn't just about base physical appearance. How someone moves, how they smell, sound etc etc All part of attraction and that's not something you can judge via the internet. I know the sound of someones voice is a big thing for me. I think attraction is important but I find it hard to separate from personality - to see someone across a room and go yeah I'd shag them is different to I want to date them and get to know them better.

Ella281

bitofabind wrote: »

You murder him and never speak of it again.

:pac::pac::pac: Now come on. Seriously. This is what's known as being an adult. How about your trust yourself to treat others with respect whilst respecting your own boundaries, and tell said fella you think he's lovely but didn't feel a spark. Dating is as hard as you decide to make it.

Bitofabind is right here.
I’ve been desperate to make dating work, I was guilty of keeping something going with someone who I didn’t find attractive on the first date. In fact, he wasn’t attractive looks wise and turned up in a bad mood to the first date and didn’t have a personality either and I did a lot of the heavy lifting with effort. I didn’t want to see him again but gave in to the texts as he flattered me.
It ended in tears anyway a few dates later. He was a red flag and I was right about him the first time.

OP, go with your gut and if you’re not feeling it, you’re just not feeling it.
I ignored mine and only proved my initial gut feeling right when he had the power a few dates later.
Of course I also find men attractive who are not oil paintings but have fantastic personalities, carry themselves well and are confident and that in itself is attractive. So it depends on what you yourself find attractive.
But what I’m saying is don’t go against your gut feeling the first time and don’t force yourself to find them attractive in order to make something work. If you’re not feeling it, you’re just not feeling it. You don’t owe anyone anything..

bitofabind

Cali1978 wrote: »

So if there’s no attraction on meeting then leave it? Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision and I do respectfully but it’s not always easy to meet someone who is easy to talk to. You wonder if you should continue seeing them but then thats not necessarily fair either. In the OP case a date needs to happen so she can get a better idea, but what if she’s not attracted?

You see this is a lot of ruminating and over analysing. We only do this with dating because dating requires "putting yourself out there" and being vulnerable and that feels incredibly intense and terrifying.

The way to change that is to manage your expectations around dating. Remind yourself that it may feel a bit uncomfortable and scary, but this isn't a high stakes hostage negotiation. It's a meet-up with someone you've had a bit of banter with online that you don't know from Adam. Statistically, the chances are it won't be your future life partner. But it could be someone interesting and let's see how it goes. Take it handy.


That way, you can be less stifled and respond more like your true authentic self on the date and in the aftermath. I've had plenty of dates with "nice but not sure" types - in fact, the majority of the guys I've met on apps have fallen into that category. We'd go on a few dates until minds were made up. No-one died. In some instances, attraction grew and we dated a few months, in others, we never saw each other after a handful of dates, in others yet again one of us called it "really enjoyed your company, but don't feel a romantic connection" and again, no deaths involved there either. Lots of interesting conversations with lively characters, learned more about the world and what I'm looking for in a partner. Manage your expectations, set out to meet someone new, don't think passed the first date and then trust yourself to handle it from there.

Kylta

Never judge a book by its cover.
For you'll never know what the whole story consists off

cj maxx

God I hope personality wins out. As a sound fella ( I think) but was last in the queue when bods and looks were gave out I’m relying on personality

Tig98

It is 200% worth meeting him.

We all have an idea about what our type is, but rules were made to be broken. I met a guy on a night out who was very much not my type but his confidence was overwhelming, we dated for well over a year and if he was my type or not at the beginning I soon started seeing him hot as ****.

Looks will fade, personality will stay. If you develop a connection with the guy attraction will come.

arex93

It is so difficult to find someone who you can have a good conversation. I think you definitely should give a chance and go out with him. If there is no attraction you should be honest with him and say "it was a great time but I dont fell connection'' or something like that.

Gael23

If he’s up for it I’m happy to meet once places open up again in a few weeks

ILoveYourVibes

Gael23 wrote: »

If he’s up for it I’m happy to meet once places open up again in a few weeks

I hope it works out.



It will give you something to look forward to.

LegacyUser

Gael23 wrote: »

If he’s up for it I’m happy to meet once places open up again in a few weeks

Definitely go for it

I'm a *very* average looking man. I most certainly don't have girls eyeing me up in pubs, work etc. However I do ok with girls - though there's a caveat. After they get to know me. Apparently I'm very nice, charming and thoughtful and I have a good job and people who click with me (but not everyone) tell me I'm quite interesting. However people need to get to know me before knowing the above and (sometimes) finding it attractive

Give it a shot. A date in a cafe or somewhere and see how it goes

castle

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

You do need to actually fancy the person or it be like kissing your brother, why not suggest a video call and with CV19 it would not seem out of place.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As the OP has made a call on their issue, I'm going to close the thread there.

OP, if you require further advice and want the thread re-opened, just PM one of the Mod Team who can do it for you.

Thanks all

HS