Phyisical Atteaction Vs Personality

Gael23

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

Terrontress

If I were you, I would meet him and see what he is like. You won't get a true understanding of his physicality until you see him with your own eyes. And a couple of hours spent together might bring you to see past the physical.

completedit

Attraction matters big time. But it does fade. But you'd better hope at the start there's at least some sexual attraction. Personally if I didn't get that I just couldn't do that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't view me that way either.

dubal

Its really tough if you start with such negative thoughts.

You'll always be comprising.

Gael23

completedit wrote: »

Attraction matters big time. But it does fade. But you'd better hope at the start there's at least some sexual attraction. Personally if I didn't get that I just couldn't do that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't view me that way either.

I’ve only seen his face so far so can’t say for certain if there’s sexual attraction. I get your point though

Upforthematch

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve only seen his face so far

Ah you owe it to the chap to actually see more than his face before you make this judgment. You might be pleasantly surprised or he might turn out to be a centaur but at least have a fun date before writing off having any sexual attraction

IAMAMORON

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

You know......

Airyfairy12

Chemistry and personality is most important, if youre getting on well id say meet him and see what sort of vibe you get from him.

bobbyy gee

go for looks

Kauto0709

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

Meet up with him. You might be physically attracted to him when you meet him. Often you can fall for someone's personality and then they become physically attractive to you too. Give it a try. If you don't find him attractive at all when you meet up then no harm done just don't lead him on if you feel nothing at all. Good luck.

Gael23

Kauto0709 wrote: »

Meet up with him. You might be physically attracted to him when you meet him. Often you can fall for someone's personality and then they become physically attractive to you too. Give it a try. If you don't find him attractive at all when you meet up then no harm done just don't lead him on if you feel nothing at all. Good luck.

What if I don’t find him attractive but I find him a nice person and we end ou having things in commin which creates that spark between;us?

Tredstone

Gael23 wrote: »

What if I don’t find him attractive but I find him a nice person and we end ou having things in commin which creates that spark between;us?

Attraction is the starting point imo

You build on that

Smile111

Hi,
Definitely ask for more photos. A head shot is a lot different than full body. Attraction can grow. There is no harm in meeting. Sure what have you got to loose. I have dated guys who I know I wouldn't have been wooah to on street but when met blown over by confidence and humour.
I think there does have be a slight attraction at least but honestly no matter what you think you won't know what anyone is really like till you meet them in person.

Gruffalux

Physical attractiveness can be increased massively by personality. There is a limit though - pheromones or something. Some people one just could not do! Physical attractiveness can also be massively reduced by personality.

Zebrag

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

I think personality and thrive in life would be a huge plus, for me anyways. Attraction is an added bonus.

The way I see it is, someone can be absolutely stunning or handsome but have the personality of a brick wall. It would be like draining water from a stone just to hold a conversation, whether it's online or in person.

Would you stay with someone just because their eyes were a deep shade of blue or their features were strong, jawline chiseled, fantastic body etc but when it comes to having a decent conversation or just general life choices, would you be willing to sit and listen to them be boring basically? To me that would be more off putting.

Don't get me wrong, not all of us have the best social skills and it's hard to meet people, relationship or friendships, that you can gel with, regardless of their looks. I would like to be able to chat to someone and be able to just feel at ease with them, whether they are attractive or not. I'm not the best of looking and I certainly don't hold mysslf highly in the model category but I can absolutely talk for Ireland and I'm sure that puts people off.

I work with a lot of young folks, I'm not that old! But I've notice that when chatting about someone they have met online, it's mainly towards their looks which isn't bad at all but when I say "What do you chat about", I'm aiming towards interest and hobbies, what do they like to do for fun or their favourite show etc. Something that can keep conversation flowing. It's often met with "I don't know we mainly just talk about how boring our day is". It's probably just me but I find that less attractive. Mind you that's just probably the way people chat online now. I've no idea how it works and I genuinely wouldn't have the patience too either.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as I say. I think my boyfriend is handsome but others wouldn't think that but I love how we can chat about our day or not chat at all. We've the same interests, same outlook of life etc but my friend is the opposite and would only go for guys with certain features, regardless if they speak or not. My friend has been online dating since god knows when and will turn up to a date and immediately look at someone and know its not for her, all because of their looks. Its down to the person and what they feel would appease to them.

I've a friend who's partner, I would say God love him, most would say a face a mother would only love but jesus he treats my friend like she's the only woman in the world, he dotes on her. She gets an awful ribbing for his looks but she's happy with him. You can have a full blown conversation with him about the wall outside and somehow it will be interesting, he's just one of those guys that anyone can chat too.

Then there's a guy I work with, I'm sure he's been told countless times that he's handsome, he knows this, thrives on this and to have a conversation with him, you might as well count yourself lucky he even says anything past "Hello". Its draining but I'm not one to ignore anyone so I do try. Some of the girls in work drool when he walks by and I don't understand it as his lack of chattiness puts me off.

It's really down to the person themselves. OP if you feel you're having a good time chatting to him online and feel like it's going well, then base it on that but if you genuinely feel his appearance isn't making it easier to continue then it's not a bad thing either, that's just down to how you feel. It's not all bad. We all have our reasonings behind something. Often the case is, personality can overule attractiveness and that itself can make someone attractive

seasidedub

I chatted with a guy online, he wanted to meet asap, and drove a long way to meet, I'd normally go for very tall, bearded viking looking types. This guy was not particularly tall, no beard, originally red-haired which was almost blonde due to age. I'm a red myself so I liked that bit. I liked him and we met further. He was outdoorsy like me, we did swimming etc. His whole body was covered in freckles and bright orange body hair. I ended up thinking he was the sexiest man I'd ever known. He was confident and charming and I was mad for him.

It didn't work because he was a player and I wanted , basically, to be his girlfriend. But, the point being, you have to meet, you can end up falling for someone totally outside your comfort zone. I still think about him and wish he'd have genuinely wanted a "real relationship " as per his profile, or I guess, he just didn't want me!!!

Goodigal

You definitely need to see him in person before dismissing him. Recently met a guy online who I would not have chatted with in a bar (in the old days!) but we are totally enjoying the chats. And walking dates. Both separated with children and don't have much time to spare. But he's becoming so much more attractive to me each time I see him because our chats are funny and interesting in between dates. And now we can't wait for Level 3 restrictions to go away and make further plans!!
Finding someone to laugh and have good conversation with is much more important than looks IMO. Meet him for a coffee and see how you get on!

Tork

Go meet him. It's only a date, not a marriage ceremony. If you fancy him, then great. If not, at least you'll know.

Sardonicat

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve only seen his face so far so can’t say for certain if there’s sexual attraction. I get your point though

You won't really know for sure if there's a physical attraction until you meet. It's about the chemistry between you and if you generate any electricity when you're close, not what you can see with your eyes. Someone might have a face that would be considered the epitome of male beauty but if there is no chemistry there you aren't physically attractive, just objectively aware he has a gorgeous face/body

Mad_maxx

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

yes , dont be unkind but dont pretend its not important or that it shouldnt be

Emme

OP you need to meet this guy face to face (I know it's hard these days) before making a decision. Some people don't come across well in photos and online. He could be seriously hot in the flesh. Even if he isn't you might still be very attracted to him. In the long run personality is more important than looks anyway. I say prioritise looks for a fling and personality for a long term relationship.

completedit

How are lads who girls don't find attractive getting matches, while my pictures are fire and I hardly get matches? What gives!

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

CompletedIt, as you know in PI/RI posters are asked to offer advice to an OP when replying to a thread. If you have no advice to offer, please move on to another thread.

Thanks

HS

bitofabind

Agree with Tork, stop overthinking this and just go and meet the lad as soon as restrictions permit. Best not to overanalyse before you've actually spent some time with him to gauge whether or not there's something there.

The apps are fickle anyway. It's hard to swipe on a face and know whether or not this is someone you'll be attracted to, much less ye'll even get on as two individuals. Most of the partners I've had I met in the real world and if I'd seen them on an app, I'd have swiped past and never thought further about it.

Ella281

Better to have a personality, backbone and able to hold a conversation in my experience.
I’m at the point where I’m looking for characteristics which I need from my OH in a relationship.

Kylta

Personality over looks anytime. I have a few friends bless them when they were younger would be slagging each other about how beautiful their girlfriends were and to tell the truth they were crackers (two were zombies one had a bit of sense of humour. Anyway over the course of two years they all got married, two are separated, and are happy in there new relationships. The third poor soul is actually depressed, and is only staying til the children grow up. I actually think he's a bit dim too. Because his going to be a father again in the new year.
Yeah its got to be personality anytime

ILoveYourVibes

Gael23 wrote: »

If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

No.

It wouldn't.

Physical attraction isn't something you can tell from a photo though.

Meet him. Give him a chance to see if you can erm ..'warm you up'.


That's the thing ...if the guy is gorgeous but can't 'warm you up'...its not gonna work.

Attraction a lot of the time is something that is built up.

Floppybits

If you like him and hits most of the buttons you should give yourself the chance to meet him. We all have these "types" that we think we like and then someone comes along and doesn't fit this type but it turns out they are that one. Why restrict your options?

Airyfairy12

completedit wrote: »

How are lads who girls don't find attractive getting matches, while my pictures are fire and I hardly get matches? What gives!

How do you know what 'girls find attractive'? Theyre not of a hive mind and anyway attraction is subjective. Something in your profile is turning women off you.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

How do you know what 'girls find attractive'? Theyre not of a hive mind and anyway attraction is subjective. Something in your profile is turning women off you.

Exactly! Personally I don’t swipe right if there is only photos and no information. Or if the photos are group ones, too posery etc.

In reply to the threads original question - it can be so hard to tell from a photo - some people don’t photograph well and can end up being really attractive in person. Give him a chance

PoisonIvyBelle

I would say that physical attraction IS a dealbreaker, but I look it in terms of "am I sexually attracted to this person?" rather than "is this someone who fits a standard ideal of attractiveness".

If I was talking to someone I got on with and I was on the fence looks-wise, I'd meet him, because you often just don't know if you'll have that spark or attraction until you meet in person. There are lots of things that can make a person attractive; humour, certain mannerisms, certain features you notice more during conversation - that kind of thing. And you need to see them in person to figure out if those things are there.

Cali1978

Ok and what happens if you’ve met them for a date and you really didn’t fancy them but got on well all the same?? This dating craic is so hard!!

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks the OP is looking for advice. This thread is not the place for general discussion on dating. If you have advice for the OP, you are welcome to share it. If not please move to another thread.

Thanks

HS

PoisonIvyBelle

PoisonIvyBelle wrote: »

I would say that physical attraction IS a dealbreaker, but I look it in terms of "am I sexually attracted to this person?" rather than "is this someone who fits a standard ideal of attractiveness".

If I was talking to someone I got on with and I was on the fence looks-wise, I'd meet him, because you often just don't know if you'll have that spark or attraction until you meet in person. There are lots of things that can make a person attractive; humour, certain mannerisms, certain features you notice more during conversation - that kind of thing. And you need to see them in person to figure out if those things are there.

To clarify, meet him and see how you feel - you've nothing to lose.

bitofabind

Cali1978 wrote: »

Ok and what happens if you’ve met them for a date and you really didn’t fancy them but got on well all the same?? This dating craic is so hard!!

You murder him and never speak of it again.

:pac::pac::pac: Now come on. Seriously. This is what's known as being an adult. How about your trust yourself to treat others with respect whilst respecting your own boundaries, and tell said fella you think he's lovely but didn't feel a spark. Dating is as hard as you decide to make it.

Cali1978

So if there’s no attraction on meeting then leave it? Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision and I do respectfully but it’s not always easy to meet someone who is easy to talk to. You wonder if you should continue seeing them but then thats not necessarily fair either. In the OP case a date needs to happen so she can get a better idea, but what if she’s not attracted?

Yellow pack crisps

Attraction is a funny thing. Most happy couples will have one partner saying He/She wasn’t my type but now I can’t get enough of them. Pictures on social media or dating sites should be taking with a pinch of salt, go to your FB etc and look at the people’s photos you know in real life, most won’t look like a true reflection of them the way you see them when you meet in public. Sometimes something can just draw us in when we meet people. A dimple, a small scar, a crooked smile, eyes, the list can go on. Our optics can see things in reality that we can’t see with a picture. Meet and see how it goes.

LegacyUser

At least meet in person OP. Attraction isn't just about base physical appearance. How someone moves, how they smell, sound etc etc All part of attraction and that's not something you can judge via the internet. I know the sound of someones voice is a big thing for me. I think attraction is important but I find it hard to separate from personality - to see someone across a room and go yeah I'd shag them is different to I want to date them and get to know them better.

Ella281

bitofabind wrote: »

You murder him and never speak of it again.

:pac::pac::pac: Now come on. Seriously. This is what's known as being an adult. How about your trust yourself to treat others with respect whilst respecting your own boundaries, and tell said fella you think he's lovely but didn't feel a spark. Dating is as hard as you decide to make it.

Bitofabind is right here.
I’ve been desperate to make dating work, I was guilty of keeping something going with someone who I didn’t find attractive on the first date. In fact, he wasn’t attractive looks wise and turned up in a bad mood to the first date and didn’t have a personality either and I did a lot of the heavy lifting with effort. I didn’t want to see him again but gave in to the texts as he flattered me.
It ended in tears anyway a few dates later. He was a red flag and I was right about him the first time.

OP, go with your gut and if you’re not feeling it, you’re just not feeling it.
I ignored mine and only proved my initial gut feeling right when he had the power a few dates later.
Of course I also find men attractive who are not oil paintings but have fantastic personalities, carry themselves well and are confident and that in itself is attractive. So it depends on what you yourself find attractive.
But what I’m saying is don’t go against your gut feeling the first time and don’t force yourself to find them attractive in order to make something work. If you’re not feeling it, you’re just not feeling it. You don’t owe anyone anything..

bitofabind

Cali1978 wrote: »

So if there’s no attraction on meeting then leave it? Sometimes it’s easy to make that decision and I do respectfully but it’s not always easy to meet someone who is easy to talk to. You wonder if you should continue seeing them but then thats not necessarily fair either. In the OP case a date needs to happen so she can get a better idea, but what if she’s not attracted?

You see this is a lot of ruminating and over analysing. We only do this with dating because dating requires "putting yourself out there" and being vulnerable and that feels incredibly intense and terrifying.

The way to change that is to manage your expectations around dating. Remind yourself that it may feel a bit uncomfortable and scary, but this isn't a high stakes hostage negotiation. It's a meet-up with someone you've had a bit of banter with online that you don't know from Adam. Statistically, the chances are it won't be your future life partner. But it could be someone interesting and let's see how it goes. Take it handy.


That way, you can be less stifled and respond more like your true authentic self on the date and in the aftermath. I've had plenty of dates with "nice but not sure" types - in fact, the majority of the guys I've met on apps have fallen into that category. We'd go on a few dates until minds were made up. No-one died. In some instances, attraction grew and we dated a few months, in others, we never saw each other after a handful of dates, in others yet again one of us called it "really enjoyed your company, but don't feel a romantic connection" and again, no deaths involved there either. Lots of interesting conversations with lively characters, learned more about the world and what I'm looking for in a partner. Manage your expectations, set out to meet someone new, don't think passed the first date and then trust yourself to handle it from there.

Kylta

Never judge a book by its cover.
For you'll never know what the whole story consists off

cj maxx

God I hope personality wins out. As a sound fella ( I think) but was last in the queue when bods and looks were gave out I’m relying on personality

Tig98

It is 200% worth meeting him.

We all have an idea about what our type is, but rules were made to be broken. I met a guy on a night out who was very much not my type but his confidence was overwhelming, we dated for well over a year and if he was my type or not at the beginning I soon started seeing him hot as ****.

Looks will fade, personality will stay. If you develop a connection with the guy attraction will come.

arex93

It is so difficult to find someone who you can have a good conversation. I think you definitely should give a chance and go out with him. If there is no attraction you should be honest with him and say "it was a great time but I dont fell connection'' or something like that.

Gael23

If he’s up for it I’m happy to meet once places open up again in a few weeks

ILoveYourVibes

Gael23 wrote: »

If he’s up for it I’m happy to meet once places open up again in a few weeks

I hope it works out.



It will give you something to look forward to.

LegacyUser

Gael23 wrote: »

If he’s up for it I’m happy to meet once places open up again in a few weeks

Definitely go for it

I'm a *very* average looking man. I most certainly don't have girls eyeing me up in pubs, work etc. However I do ok with girls - though there's a caveat. After they get to know me. Apparently I'm very nice, charming and thoughtful and I have a good job and people who click with me (but not everyone) tell me I'm quite interesting. However people need to get to know me before knowing the above and (sometimes) finding it attractive

Give it a shot. A date in a cafe or somewhere and see how it goes

castle

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been chatting to a guy on Tinder and we have been getting in well. He seems like a really nice guy and he has a lot of the traits I’d go for in a partner. But I’m not head over heels attracted to him in looks?

My question is what’s most important? If you got along with someone and they had a lot of the characteristics that you wanted, would physical attraction be a dealbreaker

You do need to actually fancy the person or it be like kissing your brother, why not suggest a video call and with CV19 it would not seem out of place.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

As the OP has made a call on their issue, I'm going to close the thread there.

OP, if you require further advice and want the thread re-opened, just PM one of the Mod Team who can do it for you.

Thanks all

HS