My breakup

seenitall

A childfree woman of 38 who has a mind to go travelling the world for a year before settling down to trying to conceive with her long term partner, doesn’t strike me as someone who is paying much heed to her biological clock in the first place.

Perhaps she is unaware of some biological realities (such as when you are pushing 40 and really want a child, you’d better get on with it post haste), but she sounds more like someone for whom creating a family of her own is more a pleasurable option to fantasise and think about, rather than an immediate goal requiring a strict focus and restructuring of priorities. In other words, all over the place.

Given that she is open to adoption down the line, this may not be such a disaster for her, but rather just an unsuccessful chapter.

I agree that the circumstances of OP’s life stage and situation are incompatible with this woman’s ideas on future, such as they are. They are best off apart and looking for better suited partners.

CelticRambler

JustAThought wrote: »

I can’t help feeling desperately sorry for your girlfriend OP . You say your repeatedly told her from an early on stage in your relationship that you would be happy to have a child with her ... and have now left her high and dry at the age of 38 ...

Next time, be more considerate, honest and careful when you make promises for 18 months and then suddenly decide to snatch that dream because tou don’t really want that commitment when you think about it and permanently trample someones dreams and lifelong hopes.

The OP didn't "trample" on anyone's dreams, nor did he leave his GF "high and dry at the age of 38".

When you first meet someone, you don't immediately start making promises for a whole life together; and even when you've moved into the beginnings of a stable, exclusive relationship, there's still no legal or moral obligation to stick with each other till death does ye part. The fact that the GF is (now) 38 is essentially irrelevant to whether or not the two of them should stay together, and it seems that it is only her hearing the ticking of her biological clock that's made her question her lifestyle choices to date.

From what the OP describes, she's relatively recently decided that "a child" features somewhere in her latest lifestyle, and she's not really fussed whether it's her own or someone else's; and in any case, she still seems to put gallivanting around the world without responsibilities as a more important consideration than this imaginary child.

That's where the real gulf between the two of them lies: the OP knows that children are not pets or fashion accessories, but an integral part of his life. The GF's unwillingness to make even part of family home her own shows that she's far more concerned about "the other woman" in the OP's life than how important that environment is for his children. That she thinks, just because her nephews do it, that his children should have performed a party piece for her when she visited is more of the same.

50s_president wrote: »

I guess it isn't the perfect formula, but shouldn't love be able to overcome that? If she would accept and love me for who I am, which is a father of two wonderful children, then we would get through it.

I think Ann84 is right in that she likes, even thinks she loves, me. Or has done. But loves an idealised version. Maybe by compartmentalising my life, I have added to the problems. I possibly should have been more forceful in integrating her into the weekends where I had the kids..

Yes, love should be able to overcome these kinds of challenges; but also, yes, it seems like she's fitted you into an idealised version of what she wanted in a man. However, no, I don't think you should have been "more forceful in integrating her into the weekends" - unless you were keeping them secret from her, it was her responsibility to show and find a non-threatening (to your daughter) way to be part of those weekends.

50s_president wrote: »

I'd give anything though for one more lockdown night, just the two of us, cooking dinner and doing a jigsaw.

I am somewhat trapped here, the options being to continue paying the mortgage and maintaining the home that the kids have always known, or else to sell up, take half the equity and start to eat into that money to pay expensive rent on a three bed place. I am trying to get the finance in place to buy the ex's share out.

That first sentence would lead me to believe that this relationship might not be as completely hopeless as others suggest - but only if she genuinely shares that same desire, and is not spending half the evening thinking that it'll be great to go travelling again once lockdown is over.

In the meantime, I would strongly encourage you to do everything possible to hang on to the family home. Your children will need that stability for at least another ten years yet, and that's more important than whether any current or future girlfriend likes the decor originally chosen by your wife.

Emme

OP I think you are better off without each other. She sounds self-centred. Perhaps it's because she lived and worked abroad for so long but she doesn't seem to understand the realities of life in Ireland.

You are living in the old marital home for reasons of your own. Why should she judge that? Anyone who knows the property market in Ireland will understand why you are doing this.

Your 10 year old child didn't like her. Divorce is hard on children. Perhaps this woman tried too hard with your child or you introduced her to your child too soon. Maybe this is what separated/divorced men with children mean when they would rather date somebody in a similar situation. Even so any woman should know that for a separated/divorced man with children the children come first. If they can't understand that how can they be expected to take responsibility for a child of their own? Like what somebody else said, it seems she likes the idea of a child more than an actual child.

I think the years living away from Ireland have not helped your ex. Her friends moved on and life here moved on without her. How long is she home? She sounds like she has found it hard to adapt and hasn't got her head together. She seems to be figuring out what she wants only now. You and she are not on the same page.

No matter how much you like her your children come first. You need to find a partner who will understand the part they play in your life. This partner may be single or separated/divorced.

Move on from her and don't get into situation where you might be tempted to get back with her again or spend time with her again. You need a clean break and a new start.

tara73

Emme wrote: »

I think the years living away from Ireland have not helped your ex. Her friends moved on and life here moved on without her. How long is she home? She sounds like she has found it hard to adapt and hasn't got her head together.

did I miss something completely, where did the OP state the woman was living abroad??

ManOfMystery

tara73 wrote: »

did I miss something completely, where did the OP state the woman was living abroad??

"The 38 and being unable to drive, and lack of friends thing, she has travelled round the world, lived everywhere, led a fairly glamourous existence and is now finally home and looking to settle down. Everyone moved on without her, I guess. While they were doing those things I mentioned above, she was partying in Dubai nightclubs."

lainey_d_123

The bashing of this woman is so uncomfortable to read. So many people going on about her being 38 and unable to drive - that often tends to happen if someone has lived abroad for years. It doesn't make them a princess or helpless or whatever else the implication is.

Also the picture painted of her as some party animal who was living it up and is now desperate to settle down before it's too late. Maybe she was just trying to advance her career and be successful, while seeing a bit of the world? Would a man be harshly judged for that? I very much doubt it. Perhaps she did have long term relationships which didn't work out.

There's always an underlying tone in threads like this that women who don't conform to the Irish cultural norm of focusing on finding a husband and settling down by 28 and a first baby around 30 have somehow done something 'wrong' or are trying to 'have their cake and eat it'. Many women who are single and 30+ did in fact have serious relationships starting in their twenties, which then failed. And yes, some did prioritise their career, and what of it? Women cannot win in this regard. If they sit around nightclubs at 23 looking pretty and waiting for a man to rescue them, they're princesses and gold diggers. If they work hard and strive to carve out a decent career and make good money, they're hard faced career women who wasted their 'best years' and are now on the shelf.

It might be that she is a bit self centred, but I can't help but feel sorry for her, imagining what it would be like to come back from living abroad and be so harshly judged for not fitting in and being like everyone else, having her behaviour scrutinised and judged. Someone saying she 'didn't seem to like kids' because she wasn't comfortable around someone's kids she's just met, ffs.

She might well have her faults but it very much feels like this is an extremely one-sided view of the situation.

She was 36 and starting a relationship with a guy who already had two kids, and we have plenty of info about her decisions and behaviour from that point.

No need to invent scenarios where the world conspired against her. These are the facts.

It doesn't really matter why or how a person find themselves in that situation. It's not the OPs job to work miracles or undertake very unreasonable demands to make motherhood happen for her.

It comes up as a topic every now and again and we'll all have our set views on it, but it's an unfortunate fact that whether it's luck or poor decisions that puts someone in that situation is irrelevant, but that cannot be the next fellas problem to solve for her.

From what OP says, he wasn't given a platform for a reasonable life with his kids and her going forward. That's the bottom line. I hope she has very good luck with the next guy.

bitofabind

I don't think the judgements on either side are helping. And OP, I don't think it helps for you to judge her based on past life decisions, what your mates think about her etc. It's not very respectful of the relationship when it's someone you did seem to love and care for.

It's just simple really. You two are incompatible. Her need for a child is her right, she of course should prioritise that. Regardless of how or when she came to it. Your need to put your children first and not have them sidelined is entirely responsible and it'd be frankly worrying if you didn't feel that way. This woman doesn't want to integrate with them, prioritise them or even understand your priorities as a father, so it's a non-starter at this point.

Your kids should feel loved and cherished and understood. They're kids, they're relying on you to feel safe in the world. They've been through a lot of turbulence already and not feeling acceptance or love from a parent's new partner could seriously damage them emotionally. You can't work around that, and your ex isn't willing to work with it. She appears to want to start from scratch with you. It just can't be done. You'll miss her and feel sad / devastated / wistful in the coming months, this is what happens in a breakup. But you'll move on and so will she.

Antares35

I agree Lainey, some are saying she didn't try enough with the kids, others saying maybe she tried too hard. She can't win. Someone else said she isn't mother material because of the issues with her exes kids. I broke up with an ex because of the complications (kids included) he brought to the relationship and I have every confidence I am a great mother to my little girl now. I nearly wish she would start a thread here so I could advise her to cut and run Also this pervading school of thought that infertility drops off a cliff post 35 is unhelpful to women more broadly.

OP I agree 100 percent you are both incompatible and better off without each other. You will just cause each other more pain in the long run I think.

lainey_d_123

Deleted User wrote: »

She was 36 and starting a relationship with a guy who already had two kids, and we have plenty of info about her decisions and behaviour from that point.

No need to invent scenarios where the world conspired against her. These are the facts.

It doesn't really matter why or how a person find themselves in that situation. It's not the OPs job to work miracles or undertake very unreasonable demands to make motherhood happen for her.

It comes up as a topic every now and again and we'll all have our set views on it, but it's an unfortunate fact that whether it's luck or poor decisions that puts someone in that situation is irrelevant, but that cannot be the next fellas problem to solve for her.

From what OP says, he wasn't given a platform for a reasonable life with his kids and her going forward. That's the bottom line. I hope she has very good luck with the next guy.

It's not about the world conspiring against her, nor about it being OP's problem to solve for her. I just think he's being extremely harsh and actually a bit mean suddenly slating her and talking badly of her with his family. They're probably not compatible - it doesn't make her a bad person or mean she would be a bad mother (what a horrible implication from the person who said that).

I think they've both been a bit naive here. Having children means a massive lifestyle difference. I don't date men with children because the fact is, they can never just drop everything at the last minute and go on a spontaneous trip and you will never come first. I know I wouldn't be able to put up with that (at least not at the moment), so I don't put myself in that situation. He should likewise understand that he can't really expect a single childless woman who likes to travel and go out to just slot into his family life seamlessly and put up with his children being rude to her. Neither person is really 'wrong', it's just a total clash of life circumstances and expectations.

I don't like how it seems like OP seems to have been talked into thinking badly of this woman when he liked her and got on with her. It's a bit weak and not a great look.

qwerty13

I think both parties had unreasonable expectations. Each wanting the other to fit into their own vision of their life, with not enough compromise. Or maybe not enough real communication and evaluation of how the practicalities would work.

The essential point is that their views of what they want are fundamentally incompatible, as are the practical aspects, so splitting is the correct thing to do. Staying together just sounds like a world of pain, strife, and further complications.

A word of caution OP, don’t do the ‘sex with the ex’ thing. The absolute last thing you need is an unplanned pregnancy.

Yellow pack crisps

I’m pretty sure the traveling around the world was a hypothetical thing for her. If there was no kids in the equation then we’d travel the World, return and have kids, it’s a popular thing for couples to do. You sound compatible with each other if kids weren’t involved, but they are. She has to take responsibility for entering into something knowing the potential issues associated with it, but you have to take the same responsibilities in regard to her as you say making a genuine effort with your kids but getting nothing real in return. It’s probably a horrible situation to be in going out with someone and one kid being lukewarm with you and the other actively disliking you. As for not wanting to spend time in your house, it’s a bit weird but also maybe she felt freer to he herself with you in her own house as maybe your house represented the negativity that was obviously in your relationship. I think you’re more than likely being lenient with the truth about the conversation about adoption, lots of people have half arsed conversations about parenthood depending on tone . ‘Ah sure If I can’t get pregnant, I’d probably look to adopt’ without it actually meaning anything because it’s not a sit down and discuss meeting on deciding thoroughly what you both want. As for what your family and friends opinions? A lot of people project, it’s a fact, a way to escape their own ****. Harsh from your brother to say that as it can take more than a few meetings to feel comfortable in the company of kids who ain’t your own. Tbh your ex sounds honest, straightforward and says the things she’s ok with and not ok with. Nothing wrong with that. Your expectations are just different, it’s crap, but it happens, leave the negative crap about her behind and keep the nice memories you have and move on. She doesn’t deserve to have her character ripped to shreds here because of antidotal situations.

StinkyMunkey

I doubt this ladies real intent to even have a child, there are a lot of obstacles even at 38 getting pregnant with a high risk of complications. Add planning a trip, going traveling for a year and then "finding someone" to have a child with and I think it's safe to say the ship has sailed. With adoption there are certain requirements that need to be met before your eligible, again time is running out. Then there is a ford ability, is she financially secure? There is no right or wrong to having kids in your late thirties or forties, but Mother Nature waits for no one and doesn't care when you decide your finally ready.

Take you two having kids out of the equation, the emphasis is on you and your partner to bring the your kids around, not the child to just suck it up and accept your new partner. This can be a delicate and drawn out process.

No matter how much you want it, sometimes things just won't work out for numerous reasons. The dynamics of certain relationships need more compromises than others, and yours is one of those. If both parties want it enough, then you can always find a middle ground, no healthy relationship is built on ultimatums.

Who knows what the future holds, maybe she will come around, maybe not.

Antares35

StinkyMunkey wrote: »

I doubt this ladies real intent to even have a child, there are a lot of obstacles even at 38 getting pregnant with a high risk of complications. Add planning a trip, going traveling for a year and then "finding someone" to have a child with and I think it's safe to say the ship has sailed. With adoption there are certain requirements that need to be met before your eligible, again time is running out. Then there is a ford ability, is she financially secure? There is no right or wrong to having kids in your late thirties or forties, but Mother Nature waits for no one and doesn't care when you decide your finally ready.

Take you two having kids out of the equation, the emphasis is on you and your partner to bring the your kids around, not the child to just suck it up and accept your new partner. This can be a delicate and drawn out process.

No matter how much you want it, sometimes things just won't work out for numerous reasons. The dynamics of certain relationships need more compromises than others, and yours is one of those. If both parties want it enough, then you can always find a middle ground, no healthy relationship is built on ultimatums.

Who knows what the future holds, maybe she will come around, maybe not.

Why are you trying to convince us that she will never ever ever have a kid with anyone lol. What difference is it to OP if she finds someone else to have one with? I've just had my first and I'm 37. Textbook and zero complications thank god.

lainey_d_123

StinkyMunkey wrote: »

I doubt this ladies real intent to even have a child, there are a lot of obstacles even at 38 getting pregnant with a high risk of complications. Add planning a trip, going traveling for a year and then "finding someone" to have a child with and I think it's safe to say the ship has sailed. With adoption there are certain requirements that need to be met before your eligible, again time is running out. Then there is a ford ability, is she financially secure? There is no right or wrong to having kids in your late thirties or forties, but Mother Nature waits for no one and doesn't care when you decide your finally ready.

Take you two having kids out of the equation, the emphasis is on you and your partner to bring the your kids around, not the child to just suck it up and accept your new partner. This can be a delicate and drawn out process.

No matter how much you want it, sometimes things just won't work out for numerous reasons. The dynamics of certain relationships need more compromises than others, and yours is one of those. If both parties want it enough, then you can always find a middle ground, no healthy relationship is built on ultimatums.

Who knows what the future holds, maybe she will come around, maybe not.

When will people ever stop with this tripe? It's not helpful, and actually results in women panicking and ending up having kids with the wrong person or making bad decisions out of a fear of 'running out of time'.

The vast majority of women aged 38 can still get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy and birth. Yes, the vast majority. Yes, it is harder and there are other reasons it's a good idea to try earlier if you can, but this idea that late thirties is definitely already too late is nonsense.

I know a good few women who started trying for kids at 37+ and they have ALL had healthy kids, in some cases more than one, and some of them were past 40 by the time they gave birth. They are all very glad that they waited to get their lives and finances in order and settle down with the right person rather than rush into it at 32 out of fear.

Maybe she wants to travel with OP to make sure they're compatible before committing to having kids, even if it might make it slightly more difficult to conceive? It's not that ridiculous an idea (other than his commitments to his existing kids).

Hannibal_Smith

OP, you've done the right thing. Yes you'll miss her, it's only early days but it will pass. It sounds as if you know you did the right thing too.

Whether she has kids or not after this is not really your concern. You don't want any more and she didn't fit in with what you want/need. That's OK and you did the right thing by ending it now.

You did nothing wrong here, let time pass and you'll realise that.

Meeoow

She did the right thing. Op gave her an ultimatum, either spend 50% of her time with his kids, one who doesn't like her, or go their separate ways. She made the right choice for all involved.

Antares35

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

When will people ever stop with this tripe? It's not helpful, and actually results in women panicking and ending up having kids with the wrong person or making bad decisions out of a fear of 'running out of time'.

The vast majority of women aged 38 can still get pregnant and have a successful pregnancy and birth. Yes, the vast majority. Yes, it is harder and there are other reasons it's a good idea to try earlier if you can, but this idea that late thirties is definitely already too late is nonsense.

I know a good few women who started trying for kids at 37+ and they have ALL had healthy kids, in some cases more than one, and some of them were past 40 by the time they gave birth. They are all very glad that they waited to get their lives and finances in order and settle down with the right person rather than rush into it at 32 out of fear.

Maybe she wants to travel with OP to make sure they're compatible before committing to having kids, even if it might make it slightly more difficult to conceive? It's not that ridiculous an idea (other than his commitments to his existing kids).

I know, imagine a woman wanting to make sure she is financially stable and with the right partner before having a baby. Shocking. I'm really sick of the whole stigma around fertility and age to be honest. I'm glad I only had my first recently.

StinkyMunkey

Antares35 wrote: »

Why are you trying to convince us that she will never ever ever have a kid with anyone lol. What difference is it to OP if she finds someone else to have one with? I've just had my first and I'm 37. Textbook and zero complications thank god.

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, I simply said "I doubt", which is my opinion.

Neither me or you dictate whether she will get pregnant, that is dictated by Mother Nature.

Even if this lady turned 38 today, headed of at 6pm for a year long trip, met a guy on the plane, joined the mile high club and tried for a child and is of course ovulating, her chances of getting pregnant are low. All this with zero complications of course.


22.1% for women age 38 to 40.
12.4% in women age 41 to 42.
5% for women ages 43 to 44.
1% for women older than 44 years old.

Dunno about you, but if having a child was very important to my happiness and wellbeing I'd be bumping uglies asap.

But alas this is the real world, a year long trip has to be planned, then a year spent traveling, a suitable partner found, time spent together to make sure your compatible, financial security is needed, possibility of many failed attempts and a huge amount of luck.

This isn't me trying to persuade people she won't have a baby, this is me giving you a reality check.

Congrats on the new arrival

Antares35

StinkyMunkey wrote: »

I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything, I simply said "I doubt", which is my opinion.

Neither me or you dictate whether she will get pregnant, that is dictated by Mother Nature.

Even if this lady turned 38 today, headed of at 6pm for a year long trip, met a guy on the plane, joined the mile high club and tried for a child and is of course ovulating, her chances of getting pregnant are low. All this with zero complications of course.


22.1% for women age 38 to 40.
12.4% in women age 41 to 42.
5% for women ages 43 to 44.
1% for women older than 44 years old.

Dunno about you, but if having a child was very important to my happiness and wellbeing I'd be bumping uglies asap.

But alas this is the real world, a year long trip has to be planned, then a year spent traveling, a suitable partner found, time spent together to make sure your compatible, financial security is needed, possibility of many failed attempts and a huge amount of luck.

This isn't me trying to persuade people she won't have a baby, this is me giving you a reality check.

Congrats on the new arrival

Bumping uglies? Really...

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Lainey_D123, Antares35 and StinkyMunkey, the discussion ends here. None of you have offered advice to the OP in your last posts. As per the Charter, if you have no advice to offer the OP, move on to another thread.

Thanks

HS

seenitall

I had my only child at 32, and to say that the circumstances were unfavourable for having a baby at that point, would be a severe understatement. Yet I knew I was on the clock, and I prioritised around one of my big life goals.

At 40, my life circumstance had changed, but my fertility hadn’t waited for me. I couldn’t conceive any longer. I count my blessings that I had enough foresight and information to go ahead with a pregnancy when I did.

The information I had was that my mother hit the full menopause at 46, so that was a big clue as to my own processes, for all those wondering if there is a clue of sorts. I started having some menopausal symptoms at 37!

At 46, I am still regular, I sometimes even feel ovulation pain, but that doesn’t mean a thing as far as actually getting pregnant. My eggs are too old for that, and have been for a long, long time.

So I am talking from my own experience, although the stats above seem to corroborate what I’m saying. It’s wonderful that there are women who manage to conceive at 40 or beyond, but at that age, if we are honest, it is a roll of the dice, more or less. Therefore I can’t get into the mindframe of someone who at 38 has a lightbulb moment that she wants to be a mother, where her next idea is to go travelling for a year. This is someone who sounds like she takes a fancy to an idea but the commitment is lacking. It probably came about as she wanted an in on what her partner has, That’s all. She sounds like someone who, if you found her in a relationship with a childfree man in a year or two, I’d think it very probable you’d find the two of them globe-trotting and she’d look at you funny if you asked her wasn’t she looking to have a baby a while ago. I may be wrong, but That’s what she sounds like to me.

ETA: apologies mod, I wrote all this out now before seeing your note so I thought I’d post it. Remove if necessary?
I feel that it is good for the OP to get some different points of view on his painful situation, breakups are not easy and it’s good to get different perspectives on one, if possible. This is where I think the RI can help a lot, even when it’s not a piece of advice as such on offer, more an opinion on his situation.

cj maxx

Hi OP. I read your post with great interest . I'm glad you are in a good place after what must have been a tough time.
I can't see what else you could have done. Your ex (girlfriend) never seemed to understand or care that you had children when you got together . It may hurt now but I honestly think you dodged the a bullet by breaking up with her. She sounds like a completely self centred person . It's great to have you to do DIY, give her lifts and stay at her place , but she won't engage with your children because they're not hers, she won't go to your place , guess why, its not hers and she then dangles the carrot of having a child with you after a year + travelling the world? Yeah right ! By the time that happens, if ever, you will have lost your children and will be beholden to her.
She was playing you imo and you're better off without her.
( who was paying for the gap year and travel ?)

Daisy78

cj maxx wrote: »

Hi OP. I read your post with great interest . I'm glad you are in a good place after what must have been a tough time.
I can't see what else you could have done. Your ex (girlfriend) never seemed to understand or care that you had children when you got together . It may hurt now but I honestly think you dodged the a bullet by breaking up with her. She sounds like a completely self centred person . It's great to have you to do DIY, give her lifts and stay at her place , but she won't engage with your children because they're not hers, she won't go to your place , guess why, its not hers and she then dangles the carrot of having a child with you after a year + travelling the world? Yeah right ! By the time that happens, if ever, you will have lost your children and will be beholden to her.
She was playing you imo and you're better off without her.
( who was paying for the gap year and travel ?)

He mentioned that she had made an effort with his daughter, perhaps not the successful outcome she was hoping for but that’s hardly her fault?! I really don’t understand some of the posts here at all. Yes she knew what she was getting involved with but not at the expense of her own needs and wants? Relationships are a two way thing and she also needs to make sure her needs are being met, I’m not sure why that is so controversial. Yes she comes across a bit harem scarem with her life plans but it could be more a case of what her looking at what her options are, perhaps kids, perhaps travel, let’s see. There is nothing in the original post to suggest this woman is selfish or bad in any way, she has to look out for herself too. Going by some of the posts here she should be grateful for what she has got and adapt her life to suit his needs without any consideration of what she wants. That’s a recipe for disaster, there is a risk that over time resentment will set in and she will feel aggrieved for the sacrifices she has been forced to make.

This relationship has no potential to develop further, neither party is in a position to offer what the other wants in the long term. As another poster rightly said, this mans children are a priority and he should focus on that. But should he meet someone else along the way he should be mindful of where they are both at in life and if they are on the same page re life goals, if not then walk away. Because absolutely there are some things love cannot overcome.

cj maxx

Daisy78 wrote: »

He mentioned that she had made an effort with his daughter, perhaps not the successful outcome she was hoping for but that’s hardly her fault?! I really don’t understand some of the posts here at all. Yes she knew what she was getting involved with but not at the expense of her own needs and wants? Relationships are a two way thing and she also needs to make sure her needs are being met, I’m not sure why that is so controversial. Yes she comes across a bit harem scarem with her life plans but it could be more a case of what her looking at what her options are, perhaps kids, perhaps travel, let’s see. There is nothing in the original post to suggest this woman is selfish or bad in any way, she has to look out for herself too. Going by some of the posts here she should be grateful for what she has got and adapt her life to suit his needs without any consideration of what she wants. That’s a recipe for disaster, there is a risk that over time resentment will set in and she will feel aggrieved for the sacrifices she has been forced to make.

This relationship has no potential to develop further, neither party is in a position to offer what the other wants in the long term. As another poster rightly said, this mans children are a priority and he should focus on that. But should he meet someone else along the way he should be mindful of where they are both at in life and if they are on the same page re life goals, if not then walk away. Because absolutely there are some things love cannot overcome.

I’m sorry. I have only read the op not subsequent posts that might have cleared up some of my first impressions.( I’d been meaning to reply for days and didn’t read the whole thread) . However the point I was trying to make still stands. She wants them to fly off for a year to travel or whatever , then come home (to where ? His or hers ? ) and have a baby. I know loads of couples who have done just that , but with 2 very important differences.
1/ that one of the couple didn’t have two children that they had partial custody of and so were expected to leave them for 12 months and
2/ they were in their mid 20’s not late 30’s early 40’s. This is crying out to me of someone who wants it all (hubby, kids , been to machu picchu or like ) but was concentrating on her career /too busy during the years her friends got married/kids.
She has every right to want and aim for that but he already has kids ,
Anyway, back on topic .
What I wanted to say to you OP, was imo you were right ( on both sides) to end it . But what I really want to say to you is don’t feel bad or worry about feeling resentment towards the children. I have gone through that stage . It passes . And you’ll be clearer in your mind re them