My breakup

LegacyUser

I am just writing here to get some thoughts out. I have a lot going on at the moment.

I had been going out with someone for 18 months. She is 38, I am 44. I have two kids, she doesn't have any. She was 36 when we first met and kids weren't on the agenda for her but, as time has gone by, she now wants to have children. I hate to use such an awful expression, but it is the biological clock.

We had repeatedly told each other that we love each other and I said that I would happily have kids with her. There's obviously an imbalance as if we stayed together and didn't have kids, I would be a parent and she would not be.

She recently said something about how if we couldn't have children together, we would adopt and I said that I am not sure that I am comfortable with that, which upset her. I am worried enough about how my relationship with my current kids would change if I was 100% time with one child, 50% of time with the other two.

She made several attempts to get closer to my kids, but my 10 year old was a bit difficult with her.

She wouldn't come to my home as it is my former marital home and she said she doesn't feel comfortable there. So, when I didn't have my kids, I would go and stay at hers. Fine, but not my home. Spending half my life there as a guest. Doing DIY for her, taking her to the shops as she doesn't drive. If I was unable, or even unwilling, to come over to hers, it was difficult for her as she would spend many evenings alone.

Recently, she had been a bit spiky. I got annoyed, feeling underappreciated, given all she has to do is wait for me. I told her she had upset me with some of her comments. I felt like I was living two lives and I wanted to go to one. So we either have to form one life together, which includes my children 50% of the time, or else we need to go our separate ways.

I then had to go home due to a family bereavement and when I got back she said that she has a need to be a mother. Either naturally or through adoption. It is her most fundamental desire. She cannot ignore it, and she does not want to do that with my children. She doesn't want to deal with someone else's 11 year old when she is concentrating on her newborn.

I asked her what her ideal scenario would look like and she said that she and I would travel the world for a year and then have a kid as soon as we got back. I just can't do that. I have two kids who rely on me emotionally, financially, practically.

I can't give up on my kids. They are everything about me. As much a part of me as a limb.

So we have split, and it hurts. Of course, I love my children unreservedly, but I have had some pangs of resentment towards them as I would have my life with my love otherwise. But I know, given the choice I had, I have done the right thing.

Most of my friends that I have introduced her to haven't liked her, thought she was a bit domineering, advised me to proceed with caution. Logically, they are all right. But when it's me and her, I am so happy. She impresses and mystifies me. I am under her spell. I love her.

I think being a mother will be great for her. Most of her friends have had kids and she hasn't kept in touch with them. She had a birthday party in August and so very few people her own age were there. Couples in their 70s, parents of friends. Only one girl her own age, who came with her husband and children. She refers to so many people as her "best friend" but I am not sure she has any close friendships. There are some creepy single guys hanging round her as well as "best friends".

I have other big personal issues on the horizon, surrounding work, finances with ex-wife, a medical problem for my daughter. Lots to sort out.

Anyway, that's my story. I think I am in the best place possible, but it is tough on me, especially after 18 months. I am 44, dating gets harder as you get older. Will I be perpetually alone?

I just wanted to write it down and have it read by people with no vested interest. Hopefully you kind internet people will pitch in, tell me what you think, give me a bit of context, advice, validation. Thanks

John Hutton

No you won't be perpetually alone and you made the right decision. Your ex sounds like very hard work (I'm being polite!).

Lets be honest here, if it were the other way around you wouldn't be telling her to ditch her kids, you'd be trying to be like a step dad or something. It sounds like if you did have a kid with her she would see to it that your relationship with your other kids was undermined and made less important.

As for dating, Covid has ruined it but there is no better time for internet and apps, but if you don't like them (personally I don't) just wait until covid clears up a bit, every single person will be out of the traps like mad things!

Idle Passerby

Sorry your going through a tough time OP. A few things jumped out in your post.

She doesn't want to deal with your kids when she has a newborn - but she doesn't deal with your kids at all so far and even if she did it would only be 50% of the time. Seems a bit uncompromising of her.

She wants to travel for a year then try for a baby with the back up plan of adoption. This plan is fairly all over the place. Does she want a baby or to travel? Not to be crass but she's not exactly a spring chicken anymore. The the offhand 'we can adopt' attitude. I don't think it's really that simple. People are years waiting for adoptions to go through and afaik there are age restrictions on that too. It doesn't sound like she's done much research.

Is it possible this is all a convenient excuse to bail on the relationship? Maybe she wants kids but not with you?

zoobizoo

"Most of my friends that I have introduced her to haven't liked her......

Most of her friends have had kids and she hasn't kept in touch with them."

A. The travel the world together at 38 while thinking about trying for kids is a bit nuts. if having kids is a top priority for her, then why is she talking about globetrotting instead of starting right now?

B. I've only actively disliked the partners of 3 of my friends..... and I said it to 2 of them that I didn't think their partners were good for them. It's a big thing for a friend to possibly sacrifice a friendship by telling what they see to be the truth for the sake of their pal.

If a friend (or in your case, friends) are warning you, it might be a good idea to heed them.... or to enquire further about the dislike.

C. I always find it hard going out with someone who has no close contacts or falls out with friends. Is there pattern there with your partner?

D. She didn't want to spend time in your former marital home.... maybe it's just me but I've never had an issue spending time in the house of someone who used to share it with someone else. That too me is a bit much. Unless you've got photos everywhere of your ex.

E. Doesn't drive at 38.... her choice to be home alone and lonely. How would she get around with a child?

F. Maybe your child picked up a bad vibe off her.


Lastly, don't resent your kids over this because none of this is their fault. Maybe if your girlfriend was a nicer person, was more accommodating and accepting of your situation, then you could all be getting on a lot better.

Ann84

Anyone who thinks they have a right to put a wedge between you and your kids for their own happiness, is not a good partner - full stop.

The fact that you look at your children with even an inkling of resentment because of this person is heartbreaking - this may sound preachy but f***! as you said those kids rely on you and they deserve better in a step-parent.

The way this could have potentially played out based on how you describe this woman could have been horrific for your relationship with your kids. Had you gotten her pregnant and she wanted to “focus on her newborn” - where would this have left your other kids? You could have ended up treading a tightrope mediating... and say she wasn’t happy and threatened to leave? If she doesn’t have any regard for your relationship with you existing kids, why do you think she would have any regard for your relationship with any child you had with her?

Honestly she sounds like she liked you, but wanted a free, single world travelling you, you sans things that make you really... you.

I hope your heart mends, I hope your kids put a smile on your face and you realise that her behaviour was really quite awful and manipulative and you meet someone who will love you for you and add to your life, not ask you to chose her over your own kiddos

Ann84

Anyone who thinks they have a right to put a wedge between you and your kids for their own happiness, is not a good partner - full stop.

The fact that you look at your children with even an inkling of resentment because of this person is heartbreaking - this may sound preachy but f***! as you said those kids rely on you and they deserve better in a step-parent.

The way this could have potentially played out based on how you describe this woman could have been horrific for your relationship with your kids. Had you gotten her pregnant and she wanted to “focus on her newborn” - where would this have left your other kids? You could have ended up treading a tightrope mediating... and say she wasn’t happy and threatened to leave? If she doesn’t have any regard for your relationship with you existing kids, why do you think she would have any regard for your relationship with any child you had with her?

Honestly she sounds like she liked you, but wanted a free, single world travelling you, you sans things that make you really... you.

I hope your heart mends, I hope your kids put a smile on your face and you realise that her behaviour was really quite awful and manipulative and you meet someone who will love you for you and add to your life, not ask you to chose her over your own kiddos

osarusan

Having a relationship with somebody who has kids is tough and I wouldn't blame anybody for being hesitant about that.

But asking you to take a smaller role in your kids' lives is very unfair, and the whole 'travel the world for a year' is head in the clouds stuff.

To be honest, it might be better that it ended now, rather than dragging on and on.

Antares35

Sounds like you are both better off without each other.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. You are telling me what I need to hear.

She has been honest with me, this could be a hell of a lot worse in a year's time if she pipes up when there's a baby. And the last thing on Earth I want and/or need is having two sets of kids by two different women, neither of whom I am in a relationship with.

It's just tough because it has been a year and a half. We have spent days, weeks together exclusively and haven't felt the need to look for company. We are very compatible. My looking after my kids have been a constant in our time together, it's not something I have sprung on her. Throughout our time together, she has understood me putting the kids first, before me and before her. I don't want to give the impression that she has been scheming to worsen my relationship with them. It's just this idealised view that she now has. She will find someone who loves her as much as I do. Someone who she is as comfortable with as she is with me. Someone who will want to have kids with her. And someone who doesn't have any baggage.

Maybe my use of the word resentment when it comes to the kids is wrong. Any parent gets it. When all our money goes on childcare and our friends are going on lavish holidays. When we are dealing with wet beds at 3am. When we spend so much time indoors watching TV while it seems everyone is living the high life. What we have is worth so much more, but it's easy to wish we weren't in our current circumstance. I found myself a bit wistful, but I know I am doing the right thing.

The 38 and being unable to drive, and lack of friends thing, she has travelled round the world, lived everywhere, led a fairly glamourous existence and is now finally home and looking to settle down. Everyone moved on without her, I guess. While they were doing those things I mentioned above, she was partying in Dubai nightclubs.

The friends not liking her, one has just said it after we have split. He was saying about how, when she first came to his house, she acted like she knew him already and he found it very odd. My brother picked up some bad vibes as well. But it was all left until after I told them we have broken up.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't like I have been dumped. I couldn't continue as things were either. The thought of spending all my spare time with her in her environment isn't appealing at all.

We have broken up because there's just something I can't give up, something she can't give up and both things can't co-exist. I'd just love one more weekend with her.

dubal

She wants things she knows you can never give. Yet she asks for them.

These aren't reconcilable differences

JustAThought

It dosn’t sound like a perfect formula for bringing another child into.It’s a pity for her as the 18
months in deciding you were the perfect
partner has left it too late for her to meet
and form that relationship bond with another man and also decide to have children ( together) -
her fertility age will make that very unlikely and difficult.

It sounds like she has been
used to meeting & making new friends in groups who were also socially osolated
or alone - ex pat community such as
Dubai ( your brothers feeling that she spoke
to him as if she knew him) but I wouldn’t
hold this against her.

TBH it sounds like she is in love with you and now feels secure enough in your relationship to have wanted the full package of long term relationships and a family of your/her own with you- but is unwilling or has not thought through the practical consequences of how your first family impacts her and her choices.It sounds like she has chosen to act as though they are not there or do not concern her - maybe planning a self sufficient family life -
perhaps modeled on the semi-isolated
one you have with tour other house and children and invisible ex when you are not with her? I guess in theory it could work - if you both loved each other and if it did not put such financial pressure on.

Was her idea to keep working and have an au pair or was her idea that she woild not work and you would also support her fully financially? If she was in a well paid job ( no car!?’!!!) technically this issue might be irrelevant - she might have big savings from her time in Dubai - travelling the world for a year dosn’t come cheap. Maybe she likes what she sees you have and how you are with her and with your kids and thinks she could also have this with you 50% of the time (like your ex wife has) and would love to have this with you too and can afford to support it financially herself.

People on the outside will always make comments and I would imagine its hard for someone who is outside the relationship who hasn’t worked and travelled a lot & is at home with their same circle of friends with a family to be on the same wavelength from outside the relationship.God knows I don’t
know what some of my friends see in their OH but they really love each other & I wouldn’t stick a spanner in their works - particularly if it left one of them ( my friend) with a hollow empty love life at the wrong end of their life in a pandemic where it may be impossible to actually properly meet or have an ability to get to know properly and form a normal adult relationship again. . Online and apps are not a substitute.

It sounds like there might be big communication issues about 3rd party relationships, you putting in a plan and working with your ex and children to help her cultivating relationships with your children ( how difficult was your 10 yo with her and what did you them plan to counteract this?) that have been the cause of this building up and becoming messy.

Was your plan to have one single relationship with a totally unblended family or what did you put in place other than expect her to go to
your marital home where you ex
wife has rwign and is dominant? It may be handy but was hardly emotionally fair in a relationship to expect the new person/ gf in the relationship to hang out on emotional
territory such as the family ex marital home
where the 3rd wheel in the relationship lives & has authority and be the ‘new’ woman there . Wasn’t this more than a little unfair on her and insensitive even if it was totally unintentional and practical?

In the cold light of day you loved her and
miss her and might be lucky to ever find anyone you have this connection with again. She can go
to a sperm bank or travel to Denmark where there is supposedly places she can, as a single woman, choose a donor and go it alone - does she know this is an option? It sounds
like she dosn’t - hence the adoption suggestion.

I wouldn’t knock her too hard for loving you, wanting to spend a lot of private time with you, and for seeing, admiring and now wanting what you have seperately with your ex wife and family for herself too - and wanting it in the same
seperate bubble you have with your ex wife and family.

Maybe its the finance & stress & compartmentising regarding a second
family you have a big issue with -
the finance may not be the issue you think it is and you already have this compartmentalised
life with your ex wife and family. Perhaps
she sees this model and thinks she and you can also have this together. Is not such a ruthless thought when you look at it in the context of the model you have worked off and currently have with your ex and children. It might be worth a conversation. Especially as
the money and logistics may not be the issue and pressure you expect. And especially of
you actually do love each other and
enjoy and love being in each others company. It might be easier to just have walked
away from her, bit isn’t it worth a conversation? She may simply see it
possible to have the replica model of
totally seperate life you continue with your ex and children - only with her. Perhaps
she dosn’t understand how you can decide
to have this with someone you don’t love, but decide not to make it an option for someone you do love. I can see how this misunderstanding can arise. it is worth an adult conversation.

( She needs to learn how to drive!!)

LegacyUser

JustAThought wrote: »

It dosn’t sound like a perfect formula for bringing another child into.It’s a pity for her as the 18 months in deciding you were the perfect partner has left it too late for her to meet and form that relationship bond with another man and also decide to have children ( together) -
her fertility age will make that very unlikely and difficult.

I guess it isn't the perfect formula, but shouldn't love be able to overcome that? If she would accept and love me for who I am, which is a father of two wonderful children, then we would get through it.

I think Ann84 is right in that she likes, even thinks she loves, me. Or has done. But loves an idealised version. Maybe by compartmentalising my life, I have added to the problems. I possibly should have been more forceful in integrating her into the weekends where I had the kids.

And, finally, Justathought, you are right in a sense about those fertile years being wasted. Although when we first met, she said she didn't ever see herself having children. She sees herself as the cool auntie to her five nephews. Her dad is 75 and a while ago she started to say that she is aware of his limited time and would love for him to see her become a mother. And that's when we started to discuss children. I have always been honest in that I am prepared to have kids if we have the right setup. A happy home together, including my two. She might now just go and hop into bed with someone as a sperm donor. I think the realisation of reduced fertility towards 40 is why she is exploring adoption, but she lives in a one bed apartment, is in the first two years of a mortgage with little equity, even owes money to one of the older couples that I mentioned earlier as they helped her buy her home with an interest free loan.

So many single dads see their kids every other weekend and half the school holidays. I have fought to maintain my 50:50 access to my kids. I think that neither the relationship which has just ended nor my ex wife understands why I do this. But they're the best thing about me and I cherish the every day life. Not the thought of seeing them every other week and bringing them to the cinema and McDonalds and the odd trip to Paris to go to Disneyland. I want the homework, school uniform, teeth brushing, arguments about eating up their veg rather than just being this exciting period for 2 days in every 14.

Of course my ten year old daughter got jealous when a new person appeared in my life. The girlfriend found it hard when my daughter either would not open up or speak at all, or else completely dominate me; speak to me non-stop for thirty minutes so nobody else could get a word in. She'd come to visit, my daughter would say hi and retreat to her room. The girlfriend said that that is rude, going to other people's homes, their children always come and say hello, do a little party piece, try and impress her. But, those kids didn't feel threatened. My kids have been through a lot with their parents' marriage breaking up and going between two homes.

My ex wife left me for a new man three years ago and the kids live with her and this guy for the 50% of the time they are not with me. I just thought that my daughter would have to come to terms with my new relationship the hard way.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting. It's doing me good to dump my thoughts down on a screen and have people challenge them, agree with them, question them.

LegacyUser

Was your plan to have one single relationship with a totally unblended family or what did you put in place other than expect her to go to
your marital home where you ex
wife has rwign and is dominant? It may be handy but was hardly emotionally fair in a relationship to expect the new person/ gf in the relationship to hang out on emotional
territory such as the family ex marital home
where the 3rd wheel in the relationship lives & has authority and be the ‘new’ woman there . Wasn’t this more than a little unfair on her and insensitive even if it was totally unintentional and practical?

My ex is living in a new place. I am currently trying to get the funds together to buy her out of the ex-marital home. What I had then discussed with the girlfriend was that she would rent out her place, I rent out mine and we rent somewhere suitable for a new blended family with no history to it. It would then give us a bit of financial protection as well.

I can see her objection to coming to my place. I guess she is sleeping in the bed where I once slept with my ex-wife. And some of the furniture and decor is from her time there. But I have two children to home. I can't move out in the hope that things will get better between us. I could sell up, divvy the money with the ex, go into rental with just me and the kids and then break up with the girlfriend anyway. That is why I said to her that we either had to promote the living together or else call it all quits. And she chose to go with the latter option.

tara73

I can't see she's done anything wrong, the opposite. She was very honest with you, told you her life-plans and that's the most important thing. You could decide, based on this honesty, what you should do. And you did, you seperated, what, from my point of view, was the right decision as you have incompatible life-plans and naturally, feelings towards your kids.

It's perfectly ok for a person not wanting to be the parent to kids who are not their own, especially when they are not accepting them and being difficult as the OP clearly stated in his first post.

It's also perfectly ok to want to travel the world for a year, regardless of age, presumably she hasn't done this and wants to do it before having kids. The idea is a bit questionable with covid around, she couldn't really expect you to do this if you are understandably don't feel the need to do a world trip these days.

To the brigade she should cancel her travel plans because she's 38 and should concentrate on conceiving a child immediately, that's bordering on mysoginistic crap. I know so many women who got immediately pregnant at 39-44, and they have perfectly healthy babies too.

Also her plans of adoption: if it's really the case she can't have kids, what's wrong dicussing it with your partner? Nothing, the opposite. Getting married and havn't discussed it, then expecting it although the partner has a different opinion to it would be the mad, immature behaviour.

This woman very clearly knows what she wants/what's good for her and what she doesn't want and is not fooling around her partner. Makes her a bad person it seems, makes my blood boil a bit...

Antares35

I was on the other side of this fence several years ago. Was 35, with a guy who was near 50. He was separated but not divorced (after 5 years of separation that should have been a red flag). He still lived in the marital home with his ex and two kids. His ex didn't work, and so the majority of his wages went towards her, the children, the mortgage etc. IIRC he earned just over 4k net per month, and was left with 700 after everything was paid. It was really just enough "pocket money" for him to live as a single man, and in hindsight he had no business making himself available to anyone else for any kind of meaningful future, because he simply did not have the emotional, financial and practical means to do so.

That is not to say it was his or anyone's "fault". When there are children in the situation they just necessarily come first, but that doesn't mean that the other partner should be happy coming second. I wasn't, and so I cut and run, as was my prerogative. I never asked him to put me before his kids, quite the opposite I accepted that he would and should not. But that didn't mean I had to stay and be second. He already had children, he didn't care if he had any more.

Met a brilliant guy without the complications, got engaged and we have recently had our first child. Though ironically, we were happy just on our own for a while and I started a new job etc and had decided against kids at that time, and then one came along by mistake

If she really wants a child, she will likely eventually do the same. It's not too late for her - I was 37 having my first, but she doesn't have an abundance of time. You have a family, you've done the kid thing, she hasn't. It seems to me you don't have an abundance of emotional and practical resources to start making another family. Do both of you a favour and just leave it now, would be my advice.

Idle Passerby

tara73 wrote: »

To the brigade she should cancel her travel plans because she's 38 and should concentrate on conceiving a child immediately, that's bordering on mysoginistic crap. I know so many women who got immediately pregnant at 39-44, and they have perfectly healthy babies too.

I'm part of that "brigade". I agree, plenty of women have no issue getting pregnant into their 40s and I'm against telling women they should be tearing their hair out about biological clocks. My point was, his girlfriend doesn't actually have travel plans, she has a vague travel idea. Throwing around vague ideas about travelling around the world in the same breath as saying let's have a baby, doesn't really strike me as the most decisive or focused person. So I'd be taking her "plans" with a pinch of salt.

heartvshead

Unfortunately I can’t see this working OP.

Your respective circumstances are not compatible and there’d be major life hurdles to overcome in order to reach compromise for both parties. And the subject matters are too important to only compromise on - you should be 100% on the same pg re. babies/home etc.

No-one’s done anything wrong per se, it’s just your stages of life are at odds.

Interestingly, I’ve a single, childless friend who’s actively looking to meet someone. She’s also mid-40s and her experience has been the opposite. She’s happy to date a separated male with kids (as is likely at that age) and will not be having her own. She’s independent but would like a partner and is happy with every 2nd wknd. However some men have told her they’re looking for separated women with their own kids, whom they feel will understand their ‘circumstances’ and men who can not commit to dating timewise (despite meeting from apps!) and/or are emotionally unavailable. They can’t get their heads around dating a single women and how/when to integrate her into their family dynamics and will she be able to cope given she's not a Mother herself. It’s not easy for sure as the kids are at a sensitive age.

I give that example as you were committed to your ex and made inroads with your kids, which was a big step on your part. The fact she wouldn’t go to your house is ridiculous and princess behaviour - it’s bricks and mortar to her but it’s your childrens home, familiarity and stability. And who cares about the bed - the ride is the ride...kidding!

Very selfish of her to expect you to always go to her apt. And as for not driving at 38? As another poster asked - what would she do if a baby came along?! Would she be entirely reliant on you to drive her everywhere? At the expense of your kids time? I’d really worry of the demands put upon you if you were to reconcile and start a second family. Your kids are your absolute priority right now.

However you also have a right to be happy and 44 is not old! You will meet someone else and will know if a relationship is sustainable, given this experience. Maybe worth given having some frank chats early into future dates, so as not to invest time and energy. Of course a woman’s mindset may change (per your ex) but you might see the signs/red flags sooner next time. Such conversations are to be expected post 40 - so the right woman will not be scared off.

You tried and did your best but the real life realities here take priority over feelings I’m afraid. Take care.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for the advice.

By means of an update, she got in touch and asked if she can come by tomorrow on her bike and pick her spare keys up.

My initial reaction was to be happy at the thought of seeing her again. But I have a lot on tomorrow, and I am not going to sit round waiting for her. Previously I would have dropped everything and sat round waiting for her.

One other thing I didn't mention is that I had the lads round to watch football on Thursday night and I definitely drank too much, felt ropey but happy on Friday. Today I have the beer blues so I'm feeling like stink. I know that I am mournful for the relationship that I would like to have had with her rather than the relationship we actually had.

I will get her keys to her some other time. And probably fall in love again when I see her and then take another month to get over her.

heartvshead

All normal emotions.

Breakups are incredibly tough and I believe so the older we get. Takes time, time and more time - we all hate hearing that when we’re in the midst of it tho.

You may reminisce with/without the demon drink but important to remember and hold firm the facts of why it didn’t work out now and unlikely would in future.

I’ll play devil’s advocate here and stress I’m not saying this is what’s happening BUT sometimes one party initiates a breakup to elicit a reaction. Sometimes they achieve desired result, sometimes not. The latter ‘may’ have happened here. Hence the contact/excuse to collect keys, which of course would be an opportunity to meet and fall into conversation.

Perhaps unwise to meet so soon when emotions are raw and heightened. You need to protect yourself at this point as you say, if you see her, you may unwind. She did the breaking up after all!

Unless you want to meet, you could return keys and any other items by registered post (you’ll soon know if it’s really about them!)

If she’s used to you “dropping everything and sitting around waiting for her” - it will take you to be strong and stand your ground and not be railroaded into texts back and forth. Just be clear, concise and polite. Ultimately this is for her benefit too.

LegacyUser

*I think being a mother will be great for her.*

It doesn't sound like it from what you've said. She wants to consider adoption yet wants you to distance yourself from your existing children?

Sounds to me like she was a good one but not the right one OP, and the more and more you date the more you'll come across this until eventually you meet the right one at the right time. You will meet some fascinating, enthralling women, ones who will still cross your mind months or years later...and have none of them be the right one for you. It doesn't mean they're bad, just not a good fit for your life. (I say this as a woman who has met some amazing men who weren't the right men for me over the last few years but who still make my face light up when I think of them).

My point is that someone can be great but still not the right one for you. Timing is everything. As for love overcoming everything....love can overcome a *lot* but only when both sides are committed to overcoming whatever the hurdle is and circumstances make it a possibility. This doesn't sound like it's the case for you two. Accept you had something together but it wasn't going to work out and let each other find something that does.

LegacyUser

image verification wrote: »

*I think being a mother will be great for her.*

It doesn't sound like it from what you've said. She wants to consider adoption yet wants you to distance yourself from your existing children?

Yeah, you are maybe right. When I told my brother what was going on he said "She doesn't seem to like kids". We had gone up and visited him and his wife and kids and she was a bit distant from them.

Deleted User wrote:

As for love overcoming everything....love can overcome a *lot* but only when both sides are committed to overcoming whatever the hurdle is and circumstances make it a possibility. This doesn't sound like it's the case for you two. Accept you had something together but it wasn't going to work out and let each other find something that does.

Bootsy, that's the hardest part. Accepting it. I guess part of me feels some way deficient that I can't be the man she needs. It knocks the ego. I think she looks at the situation rationally and thinks "man with kids, ex-wife lurking" rather than putting me at the core of her decision making. It is easy to depersonalise someone to their current situation. And of course mine isn't ideal.

I think that if I had met her ten years ago, she would have been too fickle to have formed a lasting relationship. And I have no regrets about becoming a father in the intervening ten years, and even how I conducted myself with my ex.

So I just have to accept that I'm just not ideal for her.

tara73

50s_president wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice.

By means of an update, she got in touch and asked if she can come by tomorrow on her bike and pick her spare keys up.

My initial reaction was to be happy at the thought of seeing her again. But I have a lot on tomorrow, and I am not going to sit round waiting for her. Previously I would have dropped everything and sat round waiting for her.

One other thing I didn't mention is that I had the lads round to watch football on Thursday night and I definitely drank too much, felt ropey but happy on Friday. Today I have the beer blues so I'm feeling like stink. I know that I am mournful for the relationship that I would like to have had with her rather than the relationship we actually had.

I will get her keys to her some other time. And probably fall in love again when I see her and then take another month to get over her.

After this post I definately think she's better off without you too.

Why do you feel the need to badmouth her further here on this forum and paint yourself in the good light, very obvious to see in this post?

she asks to come around for her keys, why didn't you suggest a definite time for her to come around, give her the keys, story finished. Instead, I cite: will get her keys to her some other time, fall in love again when I see her and then take another month to get over her..sorry, but what an instigatetd drama from you.

I can gauge there's much more to the story, i.e. immaturity from your side.

My advice is to stay single for a longer while and sort out your own stuff before getting involved in another relationship.

Antares35

50s_president wrote: »

Yeah, you are maybe right. When I told my brother what was going on he said "She doesn't seem to like kids". We had gone up and visited him and his wife and kids and she was a bit distant from them.



Bootsy, that's the hardest part. Accepting it. I guess part of me feels some way deficient that I can't be the man she needs. It knocks the ego. I think she looks at the situation rationally and thinks "man with kids, ex-wife lurking" rather than putting me at the core of her decision making. It is easy to depersonalise someone to their current situation. And of course mine isn't ideal.

I think that if I had met her ten years ago, she would have been too fickle to have formed a lasting relationship. And I have no regrets about becoming a father in the intervening ten years, and even how I conducted myself with my ex.

So I just have to accept that I'm just not ideal for her.

Why would you say that she would have been too fickle ten years ago? Of what relevance is that to the decision making today? Agree with the other poster tbh, lots of bad mouthing and "my friend/ family/ the guy in the shop said she was bad". If she's really that bad I don't know why you are having doubts!

Also, judging her because she "was a bit distant" with your brother's kids... Sounds like she was never going to do enough to win.

50s_president

50s_president wrote: »

Bootsy, that's the hardest part. Accepting it. I guess part of me feels some way deficient that I can't be the man she needs. It knocks the ego. I think she looks at the situation rationally and thinks "man with kids, ex-wife lurking" rather than putting me at the core of her decision making. It is easy to depersonalise someone to their current situation. And of course mine isn't ideal.

I think you are looking at this in a way that isn't helpful for moving past this....your situation is who you are - you are a father of two with an ex-wife, and while the existence of your ex-wife may cease to be particularly important to a partner as time goes on, your children will always be a huge part of your life in some shape or form. If you were marketing yourself you'd be a lovely guy with a lot to offer....and you're also a dad of two children. And if you're trying to sell it to someone who doesn't want to be with a guy that has children...it's just not going to work out. No-one's fault, just incompatibility.

What I'm trying to say is that this really isn't a star crossed lovers scenario, it comes down to you not being what she's looking for, in the same way she is not what you're looking for. Lots of women like to date dads, lots of women don't, you're just barking up the wrong tree with this one.

heartvshead

"She doesn't seem to like kids"

A harsh and damaging comment from your brother and a generalised statement!

If she was "distant" - perhaps she might have been nervous or anxious to make a good impression or even slightly overwhelmed given this was a new environment for her. Sometimes married couples with 2.4 kids can be a bit judgy of older women who have not gone the 'traditional' route or are later to the party of same. I think alot of women might have felt intimidated by above, esp if they got those vibes off your brother.

I'd tune out all these sudden comments that appear to be coming from your males friends/family post breakup - it's hardly helping the situation and they're only getting one side.

All boils down both of your life circumstances and stages at present day which are not compatible, unless huge compromises were to be made which does not sound possible.

JustAThought

OP.

I’m confused.

Are you currently living in your family home you used share with your ex wife?

Or is your ex wife living there and when you are minding your children does your ex wife stay with the man she left you for and you you move back into the family home to be with your kids?

Daisy78

To be fair to her it sounds like she did try, you mentioned that she made several efforts with your daughter but it didn’t work out. And I understand why she might not feel comfortable visiting your home, she is correct in saying that it’s your marital home and it’s understandable that she might not feel comfortable staying there. I’m sure you are a great guy but your life circumstances are probably working against this relationship. You both appear to want different things. It’s not easy for a woman to take on an ex wife, couple of kids and all that a separation brings with it. I think some of the posters are being a little harsh on your ex. Let her go to find a guy who is right for and in the meantime you never know who will come into your life, maybe someone who is a better fit than this lady.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for all your messages. I have read and digested them all and can see that it would appear we aren't meant for each other. Rationally, it is true. And I agree that I am unduly focussing on her negatives, I am doing it to ease the sadness which has overcome me. Of course it is easy to get over a flawed partner. Is it fair? No. And probably not accurate either.

I have been aware of shortcomings in the relationship for some time now, but our time together was just so good that it is tough to face the obvious and let her get on with life, and try to get my own life together from its currently very fragmented place. I'd give anything though for one more lockdown night, just the two of us, cooking dinner and doing a jigsaw.

I have probably taken all the lessons from this thread that there are to take and I really am very grateful to all respondents.

And just to clarify for Justathought, I am living in the home I used to with my wife. She left several years ago and moved in with a new guy. I am somewhat trapped here, the options being to continue paying the mortgage and maintaining the home that the kids have always known, or else to sell up, take half the equity and start to eat into that money to pay expensive rent on a three bed place. I am trying to get the finance in place to buy the ex's share out.

JustAThought

I can’t help feeling desperately sorry for your girlfriend OP . You say your repeatedly told her from an early on stage in your relationship that you would be happy to have a child with her. She made an effort with your son and daughter ( by your account) but they froze her out and behaved badly towards her and made it clear she wasn’t welcome in their lives or in the family home you issd share with their mother. You have given no account of the steps you took to resolve this behaviour of both children with them and to ensure a pathway was made for them to behave well towards and welcome the new situation in your old marital home. Its still not clear if your wife come back to the family home and minds the children there and you go
to your gf’s apartment - of if you stay and hang around. Perhaps giving the kids a false
sense of hope and certainly territorial range to her. From what I read despite deeply loving and yearning for your g/f now when she started to want to act and start discussing the
option you had always said you wanted and would do with her ( have a child) you backed off 100% and have now left her high and dry at the age of 38 where her chances of meeting a man and getting to know and love him and have a child with him are probably zero. You have a plethora of excuses for why you no longer want her despite desperately mussing her and these include such gems as you brother wasn’t sure of her, she was quiet around your friends kids etc , during lockdown ger friends with kids didn’t break the government rules to come to a party, her elderly relations trusted her enough to give her a large interest free loan to be independent and buy her own apartment which she is paying back. I can’t help seeing that you have treated her really badly, not addressed the real behavioural and conflict issues of both your children,and totally wasted her time while stringing her along saying you wanted to settle down with her and have a child with her. What were you thinking? All of your explanations seem to be to justify your behaviour based on what irrelevant people who barely know her outside of the relationship have now said - sure she didn’t play with my kids, sure I never was fond of her - dosn’t your repeated professed love and ongoing promised commitment to her mean more than shoulder shrugs by acquaintences? I have to say that I think you have looked after your own emotional, comfort and sexual needs and gratification in all
of this and bailed on her with the most feeble and flimsy of excuses when you were called on to step up to your repeatedly stated commitment and have now left her high and dry and in a life changing scenRio - one she had repeatedly throughout your relationship been reassured by you that would not happen. i really feel
you have treated her extremely badly and strung her along while it was good and comforting and convenient for you and when you were called on to discuss or act on your ongoing commitment and promises and commitment you simply bailed.

OP - for your next relationship it might be worth bearing in mind that it seems that you are looking for a no strings attached entire substitute wife who will fit in submissively and without wanting anything for her own peace or comfort with exactly the same routines, house, decor, routines and children with whatever behaviour towards her they want, and life that you had with your wife who left you and to bear in mind that you are not willing to make any real changes that will make life better or easier for her so long as you can have your same comforts, conveniences and playstation routines of dressing, homework, sandwiches and unrelenting love.

If your ex gf was a few years younger I’d say she was well out of it, but as it is her ongoing wish for a living relationship and having a child with the man of her dreams (you) or now having one in a solid nurturing relationship has been whipped away from her and can never be achieved.

Next time, be more considerate, honest and careful when you make promises for 18 months and then suddenly decide to snatch that dream because tou don’t really want that commitment when you think about it and permanently trample someones dreams and lifelong hopes.

Antares35

Well said JustaThought. Hopefully it isn't too late for her. I really think it's a big ask for someone with so many committments to expect another person to come along free and single, no obligations or responsibility and just slot into their life seamlessly and sacrifice their own happiness and wishes for a family of their own, knowing every time they put a foot wrong they will be judged harshly by their partner and family and friends. OP might be better meeting someone with similar circumstances who can better empathise with and compliment his lifestyle.