Dad hiding alcohol in child's water bottle

L2020

Today something very worrying happened and I need some advice please.

I've always felt that my ex husband and father of my children has had issues with alcohol. They led to many an argument in our marriage, but seemed to settle down, and it wasnt the reason for our separation. His father is a recovering alcoholic, sober for over 40yrs. Since our separation he has met a lovely girl and they live together the past number of years.

Last night my children stayed overnight with their dad, and he brought them to school as normal. But today, when I picked my 8year old up from school he said to me ' mammy I think there was beer in my water bottle'. So at lunch time, he took a drink from his bright red pokemon water bottle, and tasted beer. He told his teacher, who smelled it, and asked him to pour it out and tell her what colour it was. I took out his bottle and there was a tiny bit left in it, and there was no doubt that he was right. His bottle had been filled to the top with beer.

I phoned my ex and asked him what he had done. I could sense the shock and horror and realisation at what he had done from the end of the phone. I got all manner off excuses.. 'its easier to fit in the fridge, I was drinking a can and didnt finish it so poured it into the bottle and put it in the fridge..'. I told him out straight that I didnt believe him, and that it looked like he was disguising his drinking etc and there was obviously a problem. I urged him to tell me the truth but he wouldnt. Just kept denying it. He is working from home during this pandemic. I am worried that things have gotten this bad, and I don't know what to do. I feel so sorry for him, he has his faults but I do care about him. He said he would phone me tomorrow, that he needed time to go through his thoughts. I told him that I wanted to hear the truth, and if he came clean to me that I would help him through this without going to his family etc. I believe he is hiding this from his girlfriend but I dont want to go behind his back to her about it. I would much rather he admitted he has a problem and then he spoke to her himself.

Am I doing the right thing? Am i jumping to conclusions? Should i be believing his stories about how the beer ended up in the kids bottle? I really don't know what to think or do and would really appreciate some objective opinions.

screamer

I would actually be more concerned about what your child knows and how it has affected him. Your ex is an adult, and you can’t help people who don’t want help, so I’d focus on your child’s needs first, and do right by him first and foremost.

L2020

screamer wrote: »

I would actually be more concerned about what your child knows and how it has affected him. Your ex is an adult, and you can’t help people who don’t want help, so I’d focus on your child’s needs first, and do right by him first and foremost.

I have spoken to both children, 8 and 13yrs, and they both seem oblivious to any issues going on. They are with me the majority of the time. But if he doesn't get help and sort this out then obviously it would affect me letting the kids stay with him.

screamer

L2020 wrote: »

I have spoken to both children, 8 and 13yrs, and they both seem oblivious to any issues going on. They are with me the majority of the time. But if he doesn't get help and sort this out then obviously it would affect me letting the kids stay with him.

That’s good. As for your ex, really unless he wants your help, you’re at nothing. I’d be very frank and tell him that you won’t let his problems affect the kids, and that if he wants to see them, he needs to get the help he needs. Offer to help, but then you’ll need to back off and see what he does. It’s a tough situation as a lot of alcoholics think everyone has a problem with their drinking rather than the other way around. Still, focus on your kids needs over his, they’re impressionable little people at that age.

Danni21

<Mod snip>

As someone who has spent most of their lives with someone struggling with alcoholism I think you know he is making every excuse under the book. I just have to say this you sound like such a kind, empathic and compassionate person the way you speak about your ex and his new partner.

This will stand to great strength for your son when he's older. You know deep down your ex needs help I feel. But it sounds like he has an amazing support network around him. I know there will be people saying he's not your responsibility etc but you obviously still care about him for your sons sake if nothing else. I wish you all the best OP. You sound like an incredible mum

L2020

Danni21 wrote: »

As someone who has spent most of their lives with someone struggling with alcoholism I think you know he is making every excuse under the book. I just have to say this you sound like such a kind, empathic and compassionate person the way you speak about your ex and his new partner.

This will stand to great strength for your son when he's older. You know deep down your ex needs help I feel. But it sounds like he has an amazing support network around him. I know there will be people saying he's not your responsibility etc but you obviously still care about him for your sons sake if nothing else. I wish you all the best OP. You sound like an incredible mum

Thank you so much, they are very kind words. Yes I care about him but just as someone who was a part of my life and the father of my children, ie not romantically. I've moved on to a new relationship too and its nice to all get on as adults..if only for the sake of the kids.

Strumms

The problem isnt just him drinking .... to conceal alcohol in a bottle that a child drinks out of is a real major red flag..... thats a big problem.... that is saying to me... if his decision making as regards leaving alcohol accessible and yet concealed for your child to be possibly able to access and consume... do you want to be putting the child under the responsibility of him to mind...?

TheW1zard

Youre a good woman, try to help the poor chap

L2020

Strumms wrote: »

The problem isnt just him drinking .... to conceal alcohol in a bottle that a child drinks out of is a real major red flag..... thats a big problem.... that is saying to me... if his decision making as regards leaving alcohol accessible and yet concealed for your child to be possibly able to access and consume... do you want to be putting the child under the responsibility of him to mind...?

Its absolutely shocking. I don't know whether to say something to the teacher or whether the school is going to contact me about this.

Hannibal_Smith

Your 8 year old child went to school with beer in their bottle? Did he forget it was there?

There's being adult about things and there's a situation where your kid takes beer to school in a pokemon bottle!

Giving him the help and support he needs is great, but surely you can't let the children stay over? Have you not heard anything from the school?

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Your 8 year old child went to school with beer in their bottle? Did he forget it was there?

There's being adult about things and there's a situation where your kid takes beer to school in a pokemon bottle!

Giving him the help and support he needs is great, but surely you can't let the children stay over? Have you not heard anything from the school?

The kids have 2 bottles the same, his words were that he mixed them up. The 13yr old doesnt take a pokemon bottle anymore obviously so by the sounds of things he was using one to conceal the fact that he was drinking and one was being used by my younger son.
No I havent heard anything from the school.
I don't see how the children can stay over and how I can trust him, that is why I want him to admit what is going on and get help. They do have a responsible adult there too though, his current partner. I havent had any reason to be concerned up until today.

ted1

Until he gets himself together he’s not fit to mind the kids.

TheadoreT

Feels a bit odd if he was an alcoholic to disguise a small bit of beer for later consumption. Like surely if he had dependencies he'd have drank it all at the time.

It's also not like its spirits or wine, a bottle of beer will do nothing for most people so the idea of keeping a small amount of it hidden so he can take edge off at some point in future doesnt really compute.

I'd tend to believe his excuse that he just needed somewhere to store it. Still wholly irresponsible to put it in a bottle that his son could easily mix up and that's concerning in of itself but I'd probably relax on the alcoholic theories.

Dwarf.Shortage

TheadoreT wrote: »

Feels a bit odd if he was an alcoholic to disguise a small bit of beer for later consumption. Like surely if he had dependencies he'd have drank it all at the time.

It's also not like its spirits or wine, a bottle of beer will do nothing for most people so the idea of keeping a small amount of it hidden so he can take edge off at some point in future doesnt really compute.

I'd tend to believe his excuse that he just needed somewhere to store it. Still wholly irresponsible to put it in a bottle that his son could easily mix up and that's concerning in of itself but I'd probably relax on the alcoholic theories.

Yeah I thought the same, weird ring of truth to it. If it was a case of concealed problem drinking it would surely have been spirits, 250ml of beer would be a weird thing to hide if he is a problem drinker.

Regardless of how it ended up in the bottle it’s a really unfortunate situation re kids and school, As other posters have said you’re dealing with it admirably and with such compassion. Fair play to you

Cash_Q

Fair play to you for the compassion you're showing your ex. If it was me I would be livid. What if it had been straight vodka and your child had been parched and lashed some back before realising that it wasnt water? I know it wasnt, it was beer, but it was alcohol nonetheless, who is to say it hasnt happened before/won't happen again.

I'm shocked that the school haven't been in touch about this, and I would contact them if I were you, you've got to cover yourself to be honest. This is a child protection issue and your child's teacher is mandated to either contact Tusla or inform the Designated Liason Person on the staff (usually the principal), who should contact them. Sorry to sound overly dramatic but honest to god, if there is alcohol being stored in a child's beaker, something is not right. Maybe if you contact the school first they'll respect your attempts to manage it internally as a family first, but they should really make a note of this in case of future incidents. It's also a worry that they didn't contact you in the sense that if your child hadn't told you then you wouldn't know anything about it.

I hope you can work this out with your ex and if he has any sense he will have told his new partner about it too so he has their support.

bobbyy gee

I would not worry about him being alcoholic unless he drives kids
There's more worry about putting alcohol in water bottles. You need to keep diary in case it goes to court. Alcoholics will have something. Else than beer in a bottle that's what you have to worry about. Send emails and ask about it as you need a paper trail

L2020

Thanks all. Just a couple of things to note...firstly the bottle holds at least 600mls. Second, I was with him for 18yrs and I always felt there was a huge dependency on alcohol. Also, I asked him had his new partner raised concerns with him about his drinking and after much waffle he admitted she had. I believe the bottle was kept full in the fridge and he takes sips from it throughout the day to take the edge off.

Yes beer is not as hard core as spirits but he never drank spirits. Beer was always his drink. Second, you dont have to get blind drunk on spirits to be an alcoholic. You don't even have to get drunk. It's the psychological reliance he has on having a means of escape that is the worrying part. Just having something to take the edge off. The only person he is hiding it from is his partner as she is the only one he lives with. So therefore if he is concealing drinking she must have a problem with it.

Also a big red flag to me was his reaction when I confronted him. This wasnt a stupid mistake type of reaction. This was an 'I'm caught' reaction. I know him well. Maybe I'm wrong and those of you who say it was an honest mistake are right, but nothing is adding up to that conclusion. Who saves half a can of beer because they're 'had enough'? He has never left a drink before finishing it. My son heard him say this to me and even in his innocence said 'mammy the bottle was filled to the top so if that was half a can then I dont know how big the can must have been!' Like I pointed out it was a large bottle of water.

Hannibal_Smith

L2020 wrote: »

The kids have 2 bottles the same, his words were that he mixed them up. The 13yr old doesnt take a pokemon bottle anymore obviously so by the sounds of things he was using one to conceal the fact that he was drinking and one was being used by my younger son.
No I havent heard anything from the school.
I don't see how the children can stay over and how I can trust him, that is why I want him to admit what is going on and get help. They do have a responsible adult there too though, his current partner. I havent had any reason to be concerned up until today.

I don't know OP. A lot of people are commending your compassion, but all I can think of is the kid that went to school with beer in his bottle and then had no drink for the day. And had to tell his teacher.

You cant force him to admit he has a problem. You surely saw that from the many fights you had when you were together. Regardless of how or why the end result of your child having beer in his bottle going to school is serious.

Your son can't possibly be oblivious to any issues, he was directly impacted by them yesterday. Your ex has a new partner now. Why can they not deal with this together and you avoid sleepovers until then?

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I don't know OP. A lot of people are commending your compassion, but all I can think of is the kid that went to school with beer in his bottle and then had no drink for the day. And had to tell his teacher.

You cant force him to admit he has a problem. You surely saw that from the many fights you had when you were together. Regardless of how or why the end result of your child having beer in his bottle going to school is serious.

Your son can't possibly be oblivious to any issues, he was directly impacted by them yesterday. Your ex has a new partner now. Why can they not deal with this together and you avoid sleepovers until then?

I am completely and utterly devastated this happened to my son and the last thing I said to him before he went to sleep last night was that I was so sorry this happened to him. But there is a bigger picture here, his dad needs help. I've watched his dad rattle with nerves over silly little life stresses. I've listened to him talk about how stressed he is with his work. What do I do, prevent the kids from being around him and tell him to sort himself out, only to get a call some day that it's all too much for him and he has ended his life? I can see that happening. It's a very real worry. What good is that to my kids?
I do want him to get help with his new partner. But I want him to admit there is a problem to me and to her. If I walk away from this and prevent him seeing his kids then he will continue to spin lies and he won't seek help or even tell his girlfriend the truth.

Hannibal_Smith

Does the new partner know what happened yesterday? What does your current partner say? He has a child around the same age. If his ex sent his child to school with beer in his bottle, what would he do?

If you fear getting a call some day that your partner has ended his life, you need to talk to his current girlfriend. They need to work through it together. Would the girlfriend not open the fridge and wonder why there was a full pokemon bottle in it? Or empty it out, thinking the kids would need it cleaned for their next visit?

Whatever about seeing them during the day, there's no way I would arrange sleepovers on school nights where there's a possibility the kid could end up with a bottle of beer in school. The decision is yours of course, but I couldn't allow it.

I'm surprised that the school has said nothing of it to you. Surely the teacher has to mention it to the principal? You can be sure some of the kids went home and mentioned it

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Does the new partner know what happened yesterday? What does your current partner say? He has a child around the same age. If his ex sent his child to school with beer in his bottle, what would he do?

If you fear getting a call some day that your partner has ended his life, you need to talk to his current girlfriend. They need to work through it together. Would the girlfriend not open the fridge and wonder why there was a full pokemon bottle in it? Or empty it out, thinking the kids would need it cleaned for their next visit?

Whatever about seeing them during the day, there's no way I would arrange sleepovers on school nights where there's a possibility the kid could end up with a bottle of beer in school. The decision is yours of course, but I couldn't allow it.

I'm surprised that the school has said nothing of it to you. Surely the teacher has to mention it to the principal? You can be sure some of the kids went home and mentioned it

No his new partner doesn't know what happened yesterday, I want my ex to tell her himself. I asked him would she be concerned if she knew and he said yes. When he tried to brush it off with excuses as to why it happened I asked would she be concerned that you were losing your mind doing something so stupid or would she be worried you had a drinking problem. He responded 'the latter'.

My current partner is as worried as I am, for the same reasons and concerned about the child protection issues too. I do intend on talking to the teacher but it's not as easy as taking her aside at the school gate as we obviously are kept out of the grounds, so I will have to organise it in advance for this week.

Also my current partner has experience of living with an alcoholic, a parent, and can see the pattern of lies and denial coming.

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Would the girlfriend not open the fridge and wonder why there was a full pokemon bottle in it? Or empty it out, thinking the kids would need it cleaned for their next visit?

Not if he was actively using it every day himself as a 'water' bottle on his desk or whatever. I don't know. I don't get how he can disguise the smell of alcohol off him. I don't have the answers because I don't understand any of it.

Hannibal_Smith

You just have to ring and make an appointment with the teacher. Whether covid was here or not, it's not a conversation for the school gate.

Could all three of you, you, him, the girlfriend not sit down together and discuss it? Surely this isn't a conversation she should be left out of if him committing suicide is a very real worry. That way when you talk to the teacher you can tell her the steps being taken as a family?

Trending

The school is very lax about this episode
I’m surprised they haven’t contacted you before now. They are obliged to do so and SHOULD have contacted authorities

Sounds like you know what you are doing!

Zarco

bobbyy gee wrote: »

I would not worry about him being alcoholic unless he drives kids
There's more worry about putting alcohol in water bottles. You need to keep diary in case it goes to court. Alcoholics will have something. Else than beer in a bottle that's what you have to worry about. Send emails and ask about it as you need a paper trail

Being an alcoholic parent is the bigger worry

Like it or not he's a role model for his children

It's not what you say its what you do, kids watch and copy

amber2

Think you should contact the school first thing Monday morning as they may already have wheels in motion and be in contact with the relevant authorities.

My son found vodka on the school bus, he is first on the School bus and over the weekend the school bus was used for night club transport, this was last year. The first thing I did was ring the school to say he had found the drink on the bus and it had not come from home. Luckily he handed it to the bus driver but if you say nothing or the longer you leave it the whole thing is more difficult to explain.

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Could all three of you, you, him, the girlfriend not sit down together and discuss it? Surely this isn't a conversation she should be left out of if him committing suicide is a very real worry. That way when you talk to the teacher you can tell her the steps being taken as a family?

That's what I want. But I didn't feel i should be the one to go behind his back and tell her. I want to hear the full truth and extent of what he is going through instead of lies and excuses and then for him to tell it to her too. I understand that he won't admit he has a problem until he is ready but surely doing this to your young child is enough of a reason to accept you need help.

Do people think I should have contacted her myself? I just felt a more gentle and empathetic approach would make him feel like he had enough support to come clean, rather than his girlfriend hitting the roof etc.. I don't know how her reaction will be but I didnt want to ambush him. I just want to hear the true extent of the problem.

L2020

amber2 wrote: »

Think you should contact the school first thing Monday morning as they may already have wheels in motion and be in contact with the relevant authorities.

My son found vodka on the school bus, he is first on the School bus and over the weekend the school bus was used for night club transport, this was last year. The first thing I did was ring the school to say he had found the drink on the bus and it had not come from home. Luckily he handed it to the bus driver but if you say nothing or the longer you leave it the whole thing is more difficult to explain.

Thank you, I think you're right. I'm so angry as this is nothing I have done myself, I am the best mother I could possibly be to those boys but here I am explaining my child being sent to school with alcohol! I can't even believe it while I am writing it.

He said he would deal with the school but he will just fob them off with lies which they may or may not believe. (Did I mention he works in advertising?? This man could sell stories to anyone...)

Should they be fobbed off or should they hear that there's a real problem and then my son is flagged?

Cash_Q

L2020 wrote:

Do people think I should have contacted her myself? I just felt a more gentle and empathetic approach would make him feel like he had enough support to come clean, rather than his girlfriend hitting the roof etc.. I don't know how her reaction will be but I didnt want to ambush him. I just want to hear the true extent of the problem.

No I think you're right to give him a chance to tell her himself, hopefully he does that so the three of you can talk.

Hoboo

Am I the only one reading this thread and thinking A, it's beer. And B, why would he disguise it in child's pokemon bottle? From who, his girlfriend? So he's now sitting at home watching TV drinking beer from a bright red Pokemon bottle, his gf beside him on the sofa oblivious, and never questioning his strange choice of vessle.

I think his story is very plausible, it's an air tight liquid container. I'd be more concerned why he wouldnt just chuck it, rather than save half a can for another time.

Did you ask your wee fella who gave him the container for his lunch or did he take it from the fridge himself? If he took it himself, then your ex's story fits.

I just dont know about hiding beer, especially a beaker full, doesn't sound like hiding to me. You'd just leave it in the can. Or preserve it in a beaker. Not like it was a closet full of empty cans.

L2020

Hoboo wrote: »

Am I the only one reading this thread and thinking A, it's beer. And B, why would he disguise it in child's pokemon bottle? From who, his girlfriend? So he's now sitting at home watching TV drinking beer from a bright red Pokemon bottle, his gf beside him on the sofa oblivious, and never questioning his strange choice of vessle.

I think his story is very plausible, it's an air tight liquid container. I'd be more concerned why he wouldnt just chuck it, rather than save half a can for another time.

Did you ask your wee fella who gave him the container for his lunch or did he take it from the fridge himself? If he took it himself, then your ex's story fits.

I just dont know about hiding beer, especially a beaker full, doesn't sound like hiding to me. You'd just leave it in the can. Or preserve it in a beaker. Not like it was a closet full of empty cans.

It was put in his bag by his dad. My older son says he never drinks around his girlfriend. When my older son and his are watching a movie my son said he goes out the kitchen for a drink but doesnt take anything back with him, and he can smell that its beer. The girlfriend isnt there with him.

I've explained in earlier posts that his reactions to it have set off alarm bells. His story kept changing. He admitted his girlfriend has had problems with his drinking. I felt he had drink issues in our past. He admitted she would be concerned if she found out what happened. I hope you're right but unfortunately I don't believe it.

Hannibal_Smith

L2020 wrote: »

That's what I want. But I didn't feel i should be the one to go behind his back and tell her. I want to hear the full truth and extent of what he is going through instead of lies and excuses and then for him to tell it to her too. I understand that he won't admit he has a problem until he is ready but surely doing this to your young child is enough of a reason to accept you need help.

Do people think I should have contacted her myself? I just felt a more gentle and empathetic approach would make him feel like he had enough support to come clean, rather than his girlfriend hitting the roof etc.. I don't know how her reaction will be but I didnt want to ambush him. I just want to hear the true extent of the problem.

I'm not suggesting an ambush, but surely your child was staying in their house and ended up going to school with beer in his drink bottle. So a conversation between the three of you has to be had? How else can you start to rebuild relationships?

How did your kids get to school?

If the worry of suicide is such that you feel you cant curtail sleepovers, thats something the girlfriend would want to know? He has said she'd be concerned and wouldn't hit the roof.

Jim Root

I suspect this is probably the tip of the iceberg, if his condition is a chronic as to hide alcohol in a child’s bottle, can you imagine some of the other stuff he has probably done and gotten away with? No judgement here, but the person needs professional help, fast.

L2020

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I'm not suggesting an ambush, but surely your child was staying in their house and ended up going to school with beer in his drink bottle. So a conversation between the three of you has to be had? How else can you start to rebuild relationships?

How did your kids get to school?

If the worry of suicide is such that you feel you cant curtail sleepovers, thats something the girlfriend would want to know? He has said she'd be concerned and wouldn't hit the roof.

I fully intend to sit down with the pair of them, I just wanted him to tell her first. I will definitely curtail sleepovers. I just dont want to tip him over the edge by taking an angry approach and withdrawing all access etc.

L2020

Jim Root wrote: »

I suspect this is probably the tip of the iceberg, if his condition is a chronic as to hide alcohol in a child’s bottle, can you imagine some of the other stuff he has probably done and gotten away with? No judgement here, but the person needs professional help, fast.

This is how I'm feeling, but people seem to be excusing it because its 'only' beer??

notsoyoungwan

Op, I mean this kindly but I think you need to take a step back from this empathic approach of wanting to help him and wanting him to tell his gf first etc. You’re actually enabling him with all this pussyfooting around, albeit unintentionally.

Alcoholics are expert manipulators and liars. That’s the harsh truth. I mean, instead of being absolutely furious about what happened your son, about the fact that social services will be getting a notification, about the risk and the embarrassment to him, your concern is more about your ex-husband and how him having to face up to the consequences of his own actions might impact him? Your kids are getting sucked into the life of living with an alcoholic, the deceit, the lies, everything- you say one of them was questioning the half a can story given the capacity of the bottle, and the other one was telling you about how he doesn’t drink in front of the gf etc. Is this really what you want for your children? Watching and absorbing all that sh1t?

You really should contact Al-anon for advice. They’re incredibly helpful and have a lot of experience.

HBC08

L2020 wrote: »

This is how I'm feeling, but people seem to be excusing it because its 'only' beer??

Everything in your story adds up and you are obviously a smart and compassionate person.
The thing that doesnt make sense is the beer aspect as some have pointed out.Ive dealt with many alcoholics over the years and yes some only drank beer (minority though) .Almost all of them hid drink,around the house,in water bottles etc but hiding a beer doesnt make sense to me.It wouldnt take the edge off,its too much liquid to be hiding,he would need to be going out to the kitchen every 10 mins and downing a can in one gulp,it just doesnt ad up to me.
I wish you the best and hope you can resolve this.

L2020

notsoyoungwan wrote: »

Op, I mean this kindly but I think you need to take a step back from this empathic approach of wanting to help him and wanting him to tell his gf first etc. You’re actually enabling him with all this pussyfooting around, albeit unintentionally.

Alcoholics are expert manipulators and liars. That’s the harsh truth. I mean, instead of being absolutely furious about what happened your son, about the fact that social services will be getting a notification, about the risk and the embarrassment to him, your concern is more about your ex-husband and how him having to face up to the consequences of his own actions might impact him? Your kids are getting sucked into the life of living with an alcoholic, the deceit, the lies, everything- you say one of them was questioning the half a can story given the capacity of the bottle, and the other one was telling you about how he doesn’t drink in front of the gf etc. Is this really what you want for your children? Watching and absorbing all that sh1t?

You really should contact Al-anon for advice. They’re incredibly helpful and have a lot of experience.

Ok thank you. This literally only happened yesterday and I phoned him immediately. I did tell him if he didnt tell me the truth of the nature of the problem that I would go to his family and girlfriend myself. He asked me for 24hrs. So by this afternoon something will be done and I will be phoning them if he hasn't. Am definitely not going to be plamaused etc.

Zarco

HBC08 wrote: »

Everything in your story adds up and you are obviously a smart and compassionate person.
The thing that doesnt make sense is the beer aspect as some have pointed out.Ive dealt with many alcoholics over the years and yes some only drank beer (minority though) .Almost all of them hid drink,around the house,in water bottles etc but hiding a beer doesnt make sense to me.It wouldnt take the edge off,its too much liquid to be hiding,he would need to be going out to the kitchen every 10 mins and downing a can in one gulp,it just doesnt ad up to me.
I wish you the best and hope you can resolve this.

Some drink beer.

Drinking beer and hiding beer is an attempt to control

The phrase'good helps those that hello themselves' was borne from these scenarios.

He is an adult with a problem, he needs to seek and take the help. You can't do it for him.

Doesn't matter if it's alcohol, smoking, drugs or gambling. Until they have the resolve and desire to quit for good, it won't happen.

notsoyoungwan

L2020 wrote: »

Ok thank you. This literally only happened yesterday and I phoned him immediately. I did tell him if he didnt tell me the truth of the nature of the problem that I would go to his family and girlfriend myself. He asked me for 24hrs. So by this afternoon something will be done and I will be phoning them if he hasn't. Am definitely not going to be plamaused etc.

I appreciate that it’s very easy for me to be objective here and impossible for you to be, so I may seem harsh but... this is all part of his manipulation. why does he need 24 hrs to tell the truth? So this afternoon he tells you the version of the truth that he’s had 24 hours to prepare, and you’ll fall for it and therefore say nothing to his gf and family, so now you’re complicit in his behaviour and ultimately his lies. He’s making his problem your responsibility. It’ll soon be “you promised to help me... I just need more time” etc. You have absolutely no way of knowing if what he tells you this afternoon is the whole truth. But I guarantee you it won’t be. It’ll be enough to reel you in, have you feeling even more sorry for him than you do at the moment, and have you shouldering the burden of trying to help him while he’ll carry on doing what he’s doing, except he’ll be a bit more cautious this time, he’ll get more devious with his behaviour. Meanwhile your kids will continue to live with this and have to deal with the consequences of his behaviour, which is seriously damaging to children. He has done such a good job of manipulating you that your focus is actually now on him instead of on the young innocent children who are having their lives impacted by his addiction.

begbysback

L2020 wrote: »

Ok thank you. This literally only happened yesterday and I phoned him immediately. I did tell him if he didnt tell me the truth of the nature of the problem that I would go to his family and girlfriend myself. He asked me for 24hrs. So by this afternoon something will be done and I will be phoning them if he hasn't. Am definitely not going to be plamaused etc.

You need to go to his father first, if he is 40 years sober he will be able to approach the problem from the best angle, if not by himself then he will most likely know someone who can talk to him.

pinkfloyd34

I think this now may be your problem too because the teacher now knows about it,he/she will be obliged to tell the principal. The child is in the schools care for that day so the principal might have to get tusla involved. If that does happens you are going to have social workers breathing down your neck for the foreseeable future. We know it might be a error on your exs part but in this day and age, teachers and principals and tusla takes child welfare very serious and a child bringing a beer to school in a child's container is a major issue in my book, when ye divorced was his drinking brought up in the court case and was there a section 20 where social workers checked out where the kids would be sleeping on access visits?

Hoboo

L2020 wrote: »

It was put in his bag by his dad. My older son says he never drinks around his girlfriend. When my older son and his are watching a movie my son said he goes out the kitchen for a drink but doesnt take anything back with him, and he can smell that its beer. The girlfriend isnt there with him.

I've explained in earlier posts that his reactions to it have set off alarm bells. His story kept changing. He admitted his girlfriend has had problems with his drinking. I felt he had drink issues in our past. He admitted she would be concerned if she found out what happened. I hope you're right but unfortunately I don't believe it.

So what's his motive for hiding it.

He's hiding it from the kids so you don't find out. The kids can only report back. Could he be having a couple of casuals and is afraid you'll think its more, so he's hiding it not because it's a shed load of beer but ANY alcohal. Maybe his story keeps changing because he's afraid to say the wrong thing. Because he's now been caught doing something ridiculous, and a tell of an issue, hiding alcohal. Or is the real issue that he feels he has to hide it for fear of what you'll say?


You sound pretty level headed and fair by how you described his new gf, but maybe he's afraid of losing the kids? So any beer with his past could be an issue with you (in his eyes), which it probably wouldn't be only he's doing daft things like hiding it from the kids so you'd don't know, and again in his eyes, think he's on the lash when he's not.

I'm only playing devil's advocate, you know him better than anyone. Just doesn't sound like an alcoholic hiding his addiction because it's an actual issue, he could be just guilty of being afraid of doing and saying the wrong thing.

Using the kids containers though is a no no.

Best of luck with it all.

L2020

To answer some questions,
The drinking was never an issue within the separation. I felt it had settled down by the end of the marriage. The separation was mutual and amicable and done through mediation so never had to go through courts.

To the poster who said I would be fed a version of lies in which he had 24hrs to come up with, I totally agree and it is something my current partner who had an alcoholic parent said would happen. They always ask for time..

To the poster who said who is he hiding it from, it must be his girlfriend. It's nothing to do with the kids reporting back his drinking to me as there is no issues (up until now) with me and his drinking as I thought things had turned a corner with him.

tara73

OP, I think you are doing everything right here. Giving him the chance to let his partner know by himself and all that.


Kudos to you for handling it all so well!

LegacyUser

OP, you are doing brilliantly. I think your ex is very lucky that he has such strong support, even if he doesn't realise it. Hopefully his father can help him also.
You're handling it just the way you should, with compassion, but not blinded by it. Keep being firm with him.
I suggest that you have three conversations this weekend, first with the ex, then his partner, and then his dad. It would then be ideal to have all of you sit down together this weekend and have a very frank conversation about the drinking.
I know how much of a slippery slope it is for addicts, "It's just one can, what harm can it do... everyone is giving me such a hard time, but it's only beer."
As a very young child, I learnt that my parent prioritised a substance over their own children's health and safety. Long story short, there were no serious consequences, so when they got a fright, they got over it quite quickly, and it wouldn't have any affect on their drinking. They're in their 70s now and have no relationship with any of their kids, but in their head, we're unreasonable and cruel to them.

Your ex needs to realise that he hasn't just made a little mistake that can be forgotten about after making some weak excuses, he has drawn social services to your door, and he needs to realise just how serious that is.
He needs to cop on to himself and realise that his need to hide his drinking is putting his kids at risk. He should also be very concerned at what happened, not just his partner...
600ml is more than a pint, so the unfinished can just doesn't wash...
Show him compassion OP, but don't be afraid to also show him how upset you are. He has let himself down, as well as everyone else. He's letting his addiction affect your kids, so much so that your 8 year old child, not even half the legal drinking age, innocently brought 600ml of beer into school.
The story about the unfinished can is a very weak excuse and your ex surely knows this...

Best of luck, OP, I hope it works out, and that he accepts the help and compassion that is around him.

L2020

Thank you very much to everyone for all your help and advice. He phoned me there just like he said he would and he admitted that he has a problem and he broke down. He said he doesn't drink everyday, he does only drink beer, but theres a reliance there and once he starts he can't seem to stop. His partner has brought this up on numerous occasions. He has let her down on nights out just like he used to do to me, but mainly the drinking happens Thursday Friday and Saturdays. She is out today, but he is going to tell her everything tomorrow, and then go to his dad. He said he will do everything he can now to make things right. I said I had heard it all before, but he said what happened on friday with our son has made it all very real and he has to deal with it now.

Hoboo

L2020 wrote: »

To the poster who said who is he hiding it from, it must be his girlfriend. It's nothing to do with the kids reporting back his drinking to me as there is no issues (up until now) with me and his drinking as I thought things had turned a corner with him.

If it must be his girlfriend, but yet she wasn't there, and he's not hiding it from the kids who may say it to you, who then is he hiding it from? What's his motive for putting it in the beaker on that night. We've established it's not to hide it from anyone, girlfriend or kids, so why isn't using the beaker because it's air tight a plausible reason? No other motive has been offered and without that it's just gossip.

There's none that I can see now the rest have been crossed off. I think it's 2+2=5 for whatever reason you have, everything seems very contradictory and focused on him being an alcoholic, and not the facts of the situation.

L2020

Hoboo wrote: »

If it must be his girlfriend, but yet she wasn't there, and he's not hiding it from the kids who may say it to you, who then is he hiding it from? What's his motive for putting it in the beaker on that night. We've established it's not to hide it from anyone, girlfriend or kids, so why isn't using the beaker because it's air tight a plausible reason? No other motive has been offered and without that it's just gossip.

There's none that I can see now the rest have been crossed off. I think it's 2+2=5 for whatever reason you have, everything seems very contradictory and focused on him being an alcoholic, and not the facts of the situation.

I just posted right before you, you might not have read it yet. He has just phoned me and admitted he has a problem with drink. Turns out my instinct (and the fact I know him for 20yrs) was right.

neonsofa

L2020 wrote: »

I just posted right before you, you might not have read it yet. He has just phoned me and admitted he has a problem with drink. Turns out my instinct (and the fact I know him for 20yrs) was right.

I wish you and your family the best. Hopefully this was his wake up call, although I know from experience that sometimes people need a few of these before it finally hits home.

Just on the school point. I know you said you will be getting in touch with them so there may be no need to say this, but I would be extremely concerned that they didn't raise it with you. What if your child never said anything to you, you'd be none the wiser about the extent of their dads problem. You wouldn't have known to have a talk with your son and reassure him. Maybe, as others have said, the teacher raised it within the school, but if it had been my child and they didn't inform me, I'd be getting on to them first thing to discuss their duty of care to the child in a situation like this, and to be additionally alert to anything else like this in future.

To send the child home without giving a heads up to a parent seems a little negligent, although admittedly i am viewing that from the point of view of someone who wouldnt be defensive to it being raised with me- they aren't to know who the beer belongs to or how the parent would react to being told about it, so maybe im being naive about them raising it directly. I would hope it would have been dealt with in some capacity in the school though, even if just from a point of keeping an eye on the child. I would definitely be asking about that though.