Devastated

Jane7939

He wont be back i know this its now day 4 no contact

Sardonicat

Women's Aid have experience helping women who have fallen into a pattern of getting into abusive relationships.Not just physically abusive, either They will have, or will know who has, the insight into that complex psychology and how to go about making positive changes so you won't be so vulnerable and how you can go about accessing them. Just phone them. Its free. They will help you. Unlike this abusive pig that you are crying over, they will care about you and what happens to you.

Tork

Jane7939 wrote: »

Is womens aid for domestic voilence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

How did you see him writing an email if he's in Scotland and you aren't?

Telly

Jane7939 wrote: »

Is womens aid for domestic voilence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

Have you actually met him or is this all online?

Neyite

Jane7939 wrote: »

Is womens aid for domestic violence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

Yes. I went to them after I broke up with my ex. The physical violence was practically non existent, and they were amazing.

It's not about physical violence, or that it it's only in the home, that's only a small corner of what domestic abuse actually entails. It takes lots of forms and because you can't recognise them, you are a sitting duck for the next man who comes along who is also abusive but because he seems to be totally different from your ex you may not realise he's abusive in other ways.

Jane7939

He was living in Ireland but got thrown out of his brother's house here for drinking and bringing a strange woman back to their home so he had no choice but go home to Scotland until i decided if moving him in with me would word so all was arranged he would come live with me in 2 weeks i was going to c him in Scotland past 3 weeks

Surreptitious

I think a lot of the problem here is the false promises he made and if you were feeling lonely they would have superficially filled that hole. He had nothing else going for him so he had to feed you with these. Because of this you ignored the obvious detrimental flaws of this man and how dangerous he is.
It could be a low self esteem thing where you are trying to fix yourself but doing it in the wrong way. You deserve love like anybody else with someone who isn't unhinged. He will no doubt try to come back and because there's a space in your life now you might be tempted to take him back. There is no way you can let this happen.
Something similar happened to me years ago. I got chatting to a guy he promised me the moon and stars. Because I was low I believed him. He was recently divorced but seemed ok about it. He turned up to meet me coked off his head and had been drinking all day. Nothing he had said meant anything. He was a damaged person hiding behind drugs and drink and all he had were promises he couldn't keep.
Look after yourself.

This is it

You talk about his issues when really it's your own issues that you need to address. You've enough to be dealing with yourself without trying to "fix" someone else. Cut all contact with him and so as others have advised, seek counseling.

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

He was living in Ireland but got thrown out of his brother's house here for drinking and bringing a strange woman back to their home so he had no choice but go home to Scotland until i decided if moving him in with me would word so all was arranged he would come live with me in 2 weeks i was going to c him in Scotland past 3 weeks

He got a better deal with this new woman. That's all. Maybe he can parasite off her. Maybe she'll turn a blind eye to his drinking. Maybe she complies with his sexual demands. None of this is a reflection on you or your lovability. He could use you for a while, now he's found someone he can use better.That's all he does, use people. He didn't love you and doesn't love her. Don't assume he wont be back if his new set-up goes pear shaped.



Phone Women's Aid. They are for you.

Jane7939

That r fact i caught him out he was not banking on that so knew he had to stay with her

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

That r fact i caught him out he was not banking on that so knew he had to stay with her

Will you phone Women's Aid?

Jane7939

I definitely will now thank u

The fact he's a dead beat father should be enough.

Violent towards previous partners the nail in the coffin.

The fact that to ignored those aspects and went with him, I'm sorry but I don't understand people that make these decisions

This is it

Jane7939 wrote: »

That r fact i caught him out he was not banking on that so knew he had to stay with her

Does it really matter? Why would you want anything to do with someone like the person you described?

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

I definitely will now thank u

Good luck. You deserve so much better than what you have been getting.Please know that this man's awful behaviour is not a reflection on you.

eviltwin

I remember your post from before. It’s a shame you didn’t act then but at least he appears to be out if your life now. I suggest you get yourself some counselling to work out what it is that’s making you accept this type of person as a partner. I know you say you can’t afford it but you can’t afford not to.

Whatever you do please don’t reconnect with this man on any level for any reason.

Tork

eviltwin wrote: »

I remember your post from before. It’s a shame you didn’t act then but at least he appears to be out if your life now. I suggest you get yourself some counselling to work out what it is that’s making you accept this type of person as a partner. I know you say you can’t afford it but you can’t afford not to.

Whatever you do please don’t reconnect with this man on any level for any reason.

I don't want to hammer you but you found the money to fly over to Scotland for 3 weekends on the trot.

bitofabind

To use an analogy. When most people put their hand on a hot stove, they jump up, jerk their hand away and learn to never ever do that again. They're conscious of checking the stove every time they're near it again to prevent that same situation from happening ever again.

You are not just putting your hand on the stove, but you're trying to launch your full body onto it. And then you're going back for more when you get burned. Because that's somehow better than standing alone and protecting yourself from the trauma of it all.

This man has so many red flags that no healthy woman would go near him. Literally I would cross the road if I saw someone like him coming. He's a thug, a criminal, he belongs in prison, away from women, he is dangerous, based on any 1 of your 7 bullet points on their own.

Why your instincts are to run towards and not away from this man is where the work is for you going forward OP. Sometimes this stuff is rooted in our childhood experiences, how we learned to love, the relationships we had modelled to us as children. Sometimes it's a romantic relationship in our formative years. Usually it's complicated, layered, painful work that requires therapy, patience, self-care and resetting your approach towards yourself and eventually towards men.

For now, you need to stop dating. And call Woman's Aid. Abandon this guy and stop abandoning yourself now from this day forward. Don't give in to any texts or any bouts of loneliness, loneliness will not kill you. Men like this one will.

joe40

Jane7939 wrote: »

Please go easy on me......i was seeing my ex for 5 months now he showered me with love and attention texting me 30 times a day everyday writing me poems and gifs a promise ring etc i know huge red flags were there
1.stabed an ex in an argument and went to jail for it
2)beat his 16 year old son up
3)mailing other women behind my back
4)tried strangle another ex
5)has a drinking problem
6) has slept with men and women
7)doesn't pay any money for his kids
So sunday night i seen him mailing another woman asked who she was he said an old friend i seen then other women he was mailing he proceeded to convince me he was messed up and needed me to help him be a better person then Monday sent me a text drink he loved me and couldn't live without me i was his world etc.i went to bed and next day knew something was wrong i eventually fund out he was with another woman i text n rang looking for awnsers he then blocked me with no reply to any of my messages r calls nd uploaded in a new relationship so i could see it i think its because he knew trying to explain to me his whereabouts was the end for us so stayed with her instead im left shocked n numb how he could have went from been so happy apparently with me to doing all this i keep going over all the promises he plans the great dates and the constant texts of love to now wondering was everything a lie

Why would any woman want to be with a man like that.
I know human psychology is complex, but you have dodged a bullet here. Maybe literally.

ManOfMystery

Violent, lies, cheats, alcoholic, manipulative, doesn't care about his kids, abusive ............................ need I go on?

There are literally no redeeming factors here.

Any one of these traits would be enough to end a relationship - or avoid starting one - but all combined? Out of the millions of good men in the world, why on Earth would anyone want to be with this one.

Jane7939

Because he told me everything i wanted to hear i don't get many men interested in me so i tend to go for any kind of attention I've booked in for therapist Saturday to try build my self worth fact I'm left devastated over a man like him is not healthy i know this

Telly

Jane7939 wrote: »

Because he told me everything i wanted to hear i don't get many men interested in me so i tend to go for any kind of attention I've booked in for therapist Saturday to try build my self worth fact I'm left devastated over a man like him is not healthy i know this

That's brilliant news, well done Jane.

Jane7939

Ive changed my number and come off all social media too i do want to get better

alanhiggyno1

Jane7939 wrote: »

Because he told me everything i wanted to hear i don't get many men interested in me so i tend to go for any kind of attention I've booked in for therapist Saturday to try build my self worth fact I'm left devastated over a man like him is not healthy i know this

I was just about to post the same thing saying u need to seek help immediately.where are your parents in all of this turmoil? why would u even fall for any of that BS that he writes poems for u. He copies them from Google and pastes to the text. A bit of common sense here is needed. If I found out my daughter was going through any of that stuff u listed in post with that type of scumbag he would never see the light of day again. Not to mention to beg for his life if he ever laid a finger on her.

Sardonicat

You're doing brilliantly, OP. Well done. Not easy for you, I'm sure.

Jane7939

My mam is not emotionally available one sister tells me i am a fool and to not bother her with this crap I've another sister who is very good to me and 1 friend ive never felt as low as i do right now i feel worthless and like the past 5 months were all a lie and i deserved it because i allowed it happen

LegacyUser

Ignore those intrusive thoughts, and please stop punishing yourself, you did not deserve what happened. You deserve happiness, not the lies that person fed you.
I'm glad to read that you are going to get help, I hope that you feel proud of yourself for the steps you've already taken. Changing your number, getting off social media, and booking an appointment. That is all brilliant work, well done for looking after yourself.

Neyite

Look up Love Bombing OP. You might find it helpful?

Jane7939

I did research this past few days and love bombing from a narcissist is absolutely what he is history of doing this to others too making them feel absolutely the one and only man for them with fake promises and lies