Devastated

Jane7939

Please go easy on me......i was seeing my ex for 5 months now he showered me with love and attention texting me 30 times a day everyday writing me poems and gifs a promise ring etc i know huge red flags were there
1.stabed an ex in an argument and went to jail for it
2)beat his 16 year old son up
3)mailing other women behind my back
4)tried strangle another ex
5)has a drinking problem
6) has slept with men and women
7)doesn't pay any money for his kids
So sunday night i seen him mailing another woman asked who she was he said an old friend i seen then other women he was mailing he proceeded to convince me he was messed up and needed me to help him be a better person then Monday sent me a text drink he loved me and couldn't live without me i was his world etc.i went to bed and next day knew something was wrong i eventually fund out he was with another woman i text n rang looking for awnsers he then blocked me with no reply to any of my messages r calls nd uploaded in a new relationship so i could see it i think its because he knew trying to explain to me his whereabouts was the end for us so stayed with her instead im left shocked n numb how he could have went from been so happy apparently with me to doing all this i keep going over all the promises he plans the great dates and the constant texts of love to now wondering was everything a lie

Gael23

It’s only been 5 months.
My advice is get away from him now before things progress any further

Duvetdays

The stabbing bit is ringing bells did you post about this before? He committed the crime in the UK?

If it is you people tried to warn you what he was like and you wouldn’t listen. Take it as a blessing you’re away from somebody who quite frankly is a danger to women. Block him and don’t look back.

Jane7939

He has gone is living with her im blocked

Telly

You had 7 reasons to run away and now this one. Run run run and never look back!!!

blarb

Please block him from all contact. He is not going to change. And I would advise seeking counselling for yourself to explore why you would ignore all these red flags, so that you can give yourself a better chance of finding someone who will genuinely treat you well.

bitofabind

Because he’s a psychopath and a dangerous criminal and woman abuser. Read points 1 to 7 of your own post and ask yourself why you’d want to stick around for a scumbag like this. And then seek counselling so the next guy doesn’t ruin your life the way this guy would have.

Telly

Jane, people in your last thread gave you solid advice about this fella: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058081144

If you come looking for advice please take onboard what the majority of people advise you to do.

Murdoc90

If your best friend gave you points 1-7 about their partner what would you say? Count yourself lucky he has blocked you, he will not change for you.

Widdensushi

Jane7939 wrote: »

He has gone is living with her im blocked

Wow, you got off light and yet it's he has blocked you, you need to get help, you could have been murdered by now, still might if you don't take this opportunity to run

Oranage2

Definitely some red flags. Count you blessings, try to meet someone new, I couldn't imagine there are much worse people than him in the world.

Hannibal_Smith

Thank your lucky stars. You said in your other thread if it was a friend coming to you with this you would say proceed with caution and if any red flags appeared, move on.

Listen to your own advice, there are so many red flags you could make a parachute out of them.

My guess is you'll get a drunk text in a few days/weeks and block him then, and don't look back.

Beating up his own son, stabbing one girlfriend and strangling another :mad:

Dial Hard

OP, please please please get yourself into counselling so you can figure out why you went ahead and got into this relationship despite having your own reservations, in spite of the unanimous advice you got in your last thread and why even now you are mourning the loss of a violent man who has treated you like crap.

Jane7939

I went ahead because I'm lonely and needed something to distract me from my loneliness so i picked first man that gave me any attention or distraction from my life

Telly

Jane7939 wrote: »

I went ahead because I'm lonely and needed something to distract me from my loneliness so i picked first man that gave me any attention or distraction from my life

Are you willing to block and delete him now?

Dial Hard

OK so you know why you did it, but do you have the tools to make sure you don't do it again?

Caranica

Jane7939 wrote: »

I went ahead because I'm lonely and needed something to distract me from my loneliness so i picked first man that gave me any attention or distraction from my life

This is why you need counselling as Dial Hard rightly suggests. Distraction is not a reason to be with a scumbag like this, you are worth so much more. Dating this guy and being devastated is self destructive behaviour and not healthy. Please get help!

Jane7939

Yes for my own sanity

Idle Passerby

Jane7939 wrote: »

He has gone is living with her im blocked

Good! There's something very very wrong that you didn't run a mile when you heard even one of these red flags! And I think the term "red flag" is far too mild for this dangerous, violent, psycho.

Xterminator

Hi Op

having read you post i can only surmise you came on and posted to get the kick up the arse you need to take the action you already know in your heart you need to take.

Cut all ties. Id change the places i socialise to get away from this man, if i were in your shoes. Block on social media, block on your phone and avoid places he frequents for a while. Take the escape you have been blessed with and do not look back.

Faith

Jane7939 wrote: »

I went ahead because I'm lonely and needed something to distract me from my loneliness so i picked first man that gave me any attention or distraction from my life

This is a pattern for you, and you have posted here multiple times under multiple accounts about more than 1 man who has treated you appallingly. Every single time, the advice has been that you need counselling. Why haven't you looked into that yet?

You are willing to be with men who could quite conceivably murder you and you seem to think that's preferable to being alone. Think about that for a bit.

Jane7939

I cant afford it to be honest

Idle Passerby

Jane7939 wrote: »

I cant afford it to be honest

But you can afford to put your life on the line to be with someone who treats you like crap and may well kill you?

Just so you know, the constant texts and promises were also red flags, so you've described a man that appears to have zero positive qualities.

Telly

Jane7939 wrote: »

I cant afford it to be honest

There is free counselling out there. If you type "free counselling" into google it should throw you out a lot of resources. First one i saw was this one: https://www.shine.ie/services/counselling/

But have a look yourself and see what fits. There are so many people out there that will help you. You deserve to look after yourself and be happy x

Tork

Jane7939 wrote: »

I can't afford it to be honest

Yet you can afford to spend the money on being in relationships with these unsuitable men. I see you mentioned later in the thread that you've been flying to Scotland to visit him. Even if you managed to book cheap flights, the cost of these jaunts adds up. You have to get to the airport which costs money, you might buy a coffee or something else while you're waiting, you''re unlikely to be visiting empty handed. In Scotland you probably put your hand in your pocket to pay for meals or something else. Let's be honest here - you can afford counselling.

As they say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, yet expecting a different result. If Faith is right and you have a track record of dating abusive men, you shouldn't be even thinking about dating until you get professional help. Your desperation and loneliness has done nothing but bring you more misery, in the form of these abusive men. They damage you and make you even more desperate and lonely. It's a toxic spiral that needs to stop. Do you want it to? Or are you already on Tinder?

Sardonicat

Contact Women's Aid. They will put you in contact with resources to help you. I'm saying this kindly, OP, there is something broken in you that makes you unable to set even very basic boundaries or have minimum standards with potential partners. That is not your fault in any way but with care and time it can be fixed. Until you can mend yourself you will stick out like a beacon to dangerous, abusive men looking for a victim. You can get help and care which I'm guessing has been lacking in your life. It is out there for you if you just take the first step. You don't have to deal with these assholes. You don't have to feel so lonely and empty. Please give Women's Aid a call (their details are stickied in this forum, and I'm sure someone with better IT skills than I can post the link in thread) and tell them what you've told us, they will know what your next step should be.

TheBoyConor

Good riddance to him.

Mind yourself.

There were so many crazy red flags here.

Never mind stabbing and beating his son, anyone who texts 30 times a day and sends gifs of promise rings is a psycho.

Count yourself lucky he is gone.

I'd suspect there is a high chance that he will come crawling back with all sorts of excuses and promises when it doesn't work out with his side floozie. tell him to f off when theat happens.

Jane7939

I think he is a narcissistic person all the signs

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

I think he is a narcissistic person all the signs

Start figuring out what your issues are. I think he's much more dangerous than that but narcissistic is bad enough on its own. You saw it and still let him into your life. Why? Address that. Will you call Women's Aid?

Neyite

What are you going to do when he comes back OP?
Because he will.

In the meantime, read this. It's free and you can download it to your phone.

Next, call womens' aid which is also free and see if they know any counsellors that are zero/low cost that they could put you in touch with.

Doing those things might mean that you may make better choices for yourself when he unblocks you to come crawling back for a while.

Jane7939

Is womens aid for domestic voilence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

Jane7939

He wont be back i know this its now day 4 no contact

Sardonicat

Women's Aid have experience helping women who have fallen into a pattern of getting into abusive relationships.Not just physically abusive, either They will have, or will know who has, the insight into that complex psychology and how to go about making positive changes so you won't be so vulnerable and how you can go about accessing them. Just phone them. Its free. They will help you. Unlike this abusive pig that you are crying over, they will care about you and what happens to you.

Tork

Jane7939 wrote: »

Is womens aid for domestic voilence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

How did you see him writing an email if he's in Scotland and you aren't?

Telly

Jane7939 wrote: »

Is womens aid for domestic voilence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

Have you actually met him or is this all online?

Neyite

Jane7939 wrote: »

Is womens aid for domestic violence he hasnt been voilent to me and he cant come bear me as he lives in Scotland

Yes. I went to them after I broke up with my ex. The physical violence was practically non existent, and they were amazing.

It's not about physical violence, or that it it's only in the home, that's only a small corner of what domestic abuse actually entails. It takes lots of forms and because you can't recognise them, you are a sitting duck for the next man who comes along who is also abusive but because he seems to be totally different from your ex you may not realise he's abusive in other ways.

Jane7939

He was living in Ireland but got thrown out of his brother's house here for drinking and bringing a strange woman back to their home so he had no choice but go home to Scotland until i decided if moving him in with me would word so all was arranged he would come live with me in 2 weeks i was going to c him in Scotland past 3 weeks

Surreptitious

I think a lot of the problem here is the false promises he made and if you were feeling lonely they would have superficially filled that hole. He had nothing else going for him so he had to feed you with these. Because of this you ignored the obvious detrimental flaws of this man and how dangerous he is.
It could be a low self esteem thing where you are trying to fix yourself but doing it in the wrong way. You deserve love like anybody else with someone who isn't unhinged. He will no doubt try to come back and because there's a space in your life now you might be tempted to take him back. There is no way you can let this happen.
Something similar happened to me years ago. I got chatting to a guy he promised me the moon and stars. Because I was low I believed him. He was recently divorced but seemed ok about it. He turned up to meet me coked off his head and had been drinking all day. Nothing he had said meant anything. He was a damaged person hiding behind drugs and drink and all he had were promises he couldn't keep.
Look after yourself.

This is it

You talk about his issues when really it's your own issues that you need to address. You've enough to be dealing with yourself without trying to "fix" someone else. Cut all contact with him and so as others have advised, seek counseling.

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

He was living in Ireland but got thrown out of his brother's house here for drinking and bringing a strange woman back to their home so he had no choice but go home to Scotland until i decided if moving him in with me would word so all was arranged he would come live with me in 2 weeks i was going to c him in Scotland past 3 weeks

He got a better deal with this new woman. That's all. Maybe he can parasite off her. Maybe she'll turn a blind eye to his drinking. Maybe she complies with his sexual demands. None of this is a reflection on you or your lovability. He could use you for a while, now he's found someone he can use better.That's all he does, use people. He didn't love you and doesn't love her. Don't assume he wont be back if his new set-up goes pear shaped.



Phone Women's Aid. They are for you.

Jane7939

That r fact i caught him out he was not banking on that so knew he had to stay with her

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

That r fact i caught him out he was not banking on that so knew he had to stay with her

Will you phone Women's Aid?

Jane7939

I definitely will now thank u

The fact he's a dead beat father should be enough.

Violent towards previous partners the nail in the coffin.

The fact that to ignored those aspects and went with him, I'm sorry but I don't understand people that make these decisions

This is it

Jane7939 wrote: »

That r fact i caught him out he was not banking on that so knew he had to stay with her

Does it really matter? Why would you want anything to do with someone like the person you described?

Sardonicat

Jane7939 wrote: »

I definitely will now thank u

Good luck. You deserve so much better than what you have been getting.Please know that this man's awful behaviour is not a reflection on you.

eviltwin

I remember your post from before. It’s a shame you didn’t act then but at least he appears to be out if your life now. I suggest you get yourself some counselling to work out what it is that’s making you accept this type of person as a partner. I know you say you can’t afford it but you can’t afford not to.

Whatever you do please don’t reconnect with this man on any level for any reason.

Tork

eviltwin wrote: »

I remember your post from before. It’s a shame you didn’t act then but at least he appears to be out if your life now. I suggest you get yourself some counselling to work out what it is that’s making you accept this type of person as a partner. I know you say you can’t afford it but you can’t afford not to.

Whatever you do please don’t reconnect with this man on any level for any reason.

I don't want to hammer you but you found the money to fly over to Scotland for 3 weekends on the trot.

bitofabind

To use an analogy. When most people put their hand on a hot stove, they jump up, jerk their hand away and learn to never ever do that again. They're conscious of checking the stove every time they're near it again to prevent that same situation from happening ever again.

You are not just putting your hand on the stove, but you're trying to launch your full body onto it. And then you're going back for more when you get burned. Because that's somehow better than standing alone and protecting yourself from the trauma of it all.

This man has so many red flags that no healthy woman would go near him. Literally I would cross the road if I saw someone like him coming. He's a thug, a criminal, he belongs in prison, away from women, he is dangerous, based on any 1 of your 7 bullet points on their own.

Why your instincts are to run towards and not away from this man is where the work is for you going forward OP. Sometimes this stuff is rooted in our childhood experiences, how we learned to love, the relationships we had modelled to us as children. Sometimes it's a romantic relationship in our formative years. Usually it's complicated, layered, painful work that requires therapy, patience, self-care and resetting your approach towards yourself and eventually towards men.

For now, you need to stop dating. And call Woman's Aid. Abandon this guy and stop abandoning yourself now from this day forward. Don't give in to any texts or any bouts of loneliness, loneliness will not kill you. Men like this one will.

joe40

Jane7939 wrote: »

Please go easy on me......i was seeing my ex for 5 months now he showered me with love and attention texting me 30 times a day everyday writing me poems and gifs a promise ring etc i know huge red flags were there
1.stabed an ex in an argument and went to jail for it
2)beat his 16 year old son up
3)mailing other women behind my back
4)tried strangle another ex
5)has a drinking problem
6) has slept with men and women
7)doesn't pay any money for his kids
So sunday night i seen him mailing another woman asked who she was he said an old friend i seen then other women he was mailing he proceeded to convince me he was messed up and needed me to help him be a better person then Monday sent me a text drink he loved me and couldn't live without me i was his world etc.i went to bed and next day knew something was wrong i eventually fund out he was with another woman i text n rang looking for awnsers he then blocked me with no reply to any of my messages r calls nd uploaded in a new relationship so i could see it i think its because he knew trying to explain to me his whereabouts was the end for us so stayed with her instead im left shocked n numb how he could have went from been so happy apparently with me to doing all this i keep going over all the promises he plans the great dates and the constant texts of love to now wondering was everything a lie

Why would any woman want to be with a man like that.
I know human psychology is complex, but you have dodged a bullet here. Maybe literally.

ManOfMystery

Violent, lies, cheats, alcoholic, manipulative, doesn't care about his kids, abusive ............................ need I go on?

There are literally no redeeming factors here.

Any one of these traits would be enough to end a relationship - or avoid starting one - but all combined? Out of the millions of good men in the world, why on Earth would anyone want to be with this one.