Questioning relationship after 2 years - normal?

CBear1993

Ok so I deleted this on this sub forum after posting it late the other night (struggling to sleep in the heat in Dublin) as I was a bit embarrassed for exposing myself. I would like to hear others views though from both men and women, as I don’t know who else to ask. Myself and girlfriend have talked a few weeks ago about a stale period but I don’t want to hurt her feelings as she’s quite sensitive.

Scroll to the bottom if too long for a summary!

I’m 27, girlfriend 26. We will be 2 years together soon.
We met on tinder, although we don’t tell a lot of people that. We just say we met in a bar in Dublin. I collected her and our first few dates were great, she was different right away from previous dates I’d been on, and there was a spark. We didn’t have sex til about 5th/6th date. We became exclusive about 2 months in.

She moved in with me after 9 months, when I bought my first property, so we’re living together now about 14 months.

We get on great, I don’t think there’s ever been a curse word , derogatory term or any loud arguments at all. We both air our frustrations and 100% honesty is given, we talk everything out. I struggled with this initially, as I had some episodes of poor mental health (depressive episodes) occasionally when she met me.

My family love her; as do mine with her. We’ve been on holidays, discussed marriage, children etc. 100% trust, never any issues.

I don’t know who to turn to, bar 2 of my best friends I’ve bounced this off and they told me to catch myself on, I’ll regret doing something stupid etc, and that the single lads scene isn’t the same as it was now, a lot are away in Oz or coupled up.

In the last 2-3 months; I’ve found myself questioning things, I don’t know why. We are having less sex. I have always had a high sex drive, whereas once or twice a week would be fine with her. I prefer to have sex at night whereas her in the morning, she’s an up early type and I roll out of bed and get to work in as short a time as possible.

She was gone about a week ago on a family trip down the country, I stayed at home due to work commitments. I downloaded tinder and deleted it again after one day. I feel terrible writing that, and it was deceitful of me, I haven’t told her. At the staff party last year one of the girls I work with tried it on with me and I obviously turned it down and had to palm her off, I was completely honest and told my girlfriend the whole story, so that side of things is ok in that we’re open.

I’ve also found my use of pornography has increased to reach orgasm after she goes to sleep instead of initiating sex, I never was a heavy user, even before I was with her. I’ve just found the sex a bit boring. I was very adventurous in the first year, I’d buy toys, and into a lot of stuff and quite adventurous, she is more vanilla Or reserved which was fine.

The lockdown was tough. Living in a 2 bed apartment in the city meant close quarters every day; and I’m sure a lot of couples went through the same. But we’ve both had an argument recently about how our evenings after work are just spent on autopilot where we both sit on our phones. It was a frustrated argument, she admitted she was bored too. It was the first time we had to have that talk and I felt sad about it. But I wasn’t sure what to suggest as we are both active and work out each evening, share the chores, we have a pet, she lives close to her parents and friends. Mine are about a 2 hr drive away (family and friends). We go out for meals and have date nights, are planning to buy a house in a couple of years, but at the weekends she isn’t one for going away on day trips etc whereas I am. I find the whole city life very claustrophobic and restricting and she’s not overly fond of it either. At the weekends there’s only so much “getting out” you can do before you come back to essentially 3/4 rooms. We both agreed rural town living at least would be a lot better, but that’s a while off.

I just think deep down that I would severely regret it and take her for granted if I were to ever “take a break” on things or take a step back for some time to see if I really appreciated it. I said to my 2 closest friends that I sometimes question whether I would be happier single again, drinking the bit out with the lads at the weekends. I recently took up GAA again to get out socializing. I think I might be more frustrated with my own social situation in that I haven’t been able to branch out since moving down 2.5 years ago after coming back from oz. Any “sessions” involve me returning to my home county to lads I grew up and played football with.

I hate to say it but I do find myself with a wandering eye for other women in public more so these days and do have the odd fantasy about sex etc. even about some of her attractive friends. There’s a girl in our block who is crazy hot I see heading for a run most days and I try to block it out. I’ve never texted anyone though during our 2 years together, despite the attempts of some girls I would have formerly known in a fling sense

I’ve always been very respectful towards women and would never have been a player or anything despite getting my fair share of attention from them. Before I met her I was doing a lot of dating in Dublin and enjoyed it. But I was always looking to settle down because I hadn’t even really had a meaningful relationship.
it’s terrible because i know it myself and my friends have said I have a stunner of a girlfriend.

She is very much into the relationship and keeps hinting about engagement etc but is also chilled. I really don’t think she feels the same way as regards what I’m feeling, she is still very affectionate and cuddles etc. we made it clear from the beginning of one of us was ever unfaithful in any way we’d just end it with no comebacks.

I suppose previously I only had 1 girlfriend when I was 18-19 which doesn’t really count. She has had 5/6 and almost all of them she has been cheated on in some form. I’m now questioning did I love the idea of a relationship at the beginning as I’d been single for so long. But my mental health and overall life quality has improved since she has came into my life.

Future; I want to travel a bit more. I’d entertain living abroad again even just London, whereas she would not which is ok , not hellbent on it. She is a children person, whereas I don’t really care about kids anytime soon, but she isn’t mad to have them now equally.

To sum I, I suppose I feel like we live a very settled, Married couple life. She goes out plenty and meets friends during the week and has brunch at weekends, the odd girls night. But I still love going mad now and again and I feel the two of us should be heading into the city on mad nights out, but she always wants to go home or is tired bout 11 after a meal.

TL;DR does a “doubting phase” pass around the 2 year mark in relationships? I’m hoping it will go away soon.

Hannibal_Smith

It sounds like your mind is preparing to break up and you're thinking about the practicalities of it all?

The day to day mechanics of the relationship aren't keeping you happy. It sounds as if she's just going through the motions too. I'd say to have a think about what you want to do. Talk to your girlfriend and find out what she wants.

Can you both work together in finding a way forward? Or are the differences too big?

leggo

You’ve got yourself a case of the ‘two year itch’ man. It’s a thing. The first year you’re together, it’s all so new and exciting: first birthdays together, first Christmas, going through the normal calendar with this deadly new person you’re mad about. Second year is where the work and commitment typically start to kick in. Do you actually like each other or was it a novelty? You’re building little traditions and starting to make plans for the future.

Then this can happen. Now the relationship isn’t fun and new anymore. It’s settled, normal, plans aren’t being made moreso they’re being put into action (which takes work and can be frustrating at times if stuff doesn’t work as originally idealised). Because it’s all real now and you have these goals that take work, you can notice little things like disparity in wages, lack of ambition etc. And you’re living together for longer than you weren’t, so it’s not as if at the end of it all it’s this big novelty to see this person when you do. It’s the same person you see every morning, and lockdown could only exacerbate this feeling.

The good news is that, yes, it’s normal and probably a stage all couples go through. It’s very easy to idealise and put people we connect with up on a pedestal when we meet them. But they’re not perfect. Every single person has ‘flaws’ or even perfectly fine things that might wreck our heads when we get to know them, and part of truly loving someone is seeing, acknowledging, learning to live with, accepting and eventually even liking these ‘flaws’. I joke that I don’t take a couple seriously until they can tell me 5 things about the other that wrecks their head (obviously not in a dealbreaker way, more like snoring etc). It’s also natural that your eye is wandering (though downloading Tinder isn’t on but you know that so I’m not going to moralise): you’ve probably had sex with this person every which way from Sunday by now. There’s a part of us, though we don’t necessarily talk to partners about it even if we share everything, that will always long for the excitement and newness of the sex that comes at the start of a relationship. And we can convince ourselves we can only get that through meeting someone new (even though first time sex with a new person is, quite often, never the best sex we’ll have).

But the good relationships evolve past this: it’s not about how much we ‘fancy’ them or how good/often the sex is, it’s about how much we love and appreciate what they bring to our lives, your commitment to them and the shared plans you have. It’s about how unbearable our lives would be without them. Think of it like you see a long-term friend who’s been through the wars with you: you never think about getting rid of them do you? That’s how you should see the right partner. Though, like with a friend, you may have ups and downs and arguments and fallouts over the years. Yet when you weigh it up you’d always rather put anything else behind you because of what they mean to your life.

The bad news is that neither I nor anyone else can tell you how you actually feel, and you probably can’t figure it out via one conversation or thread on boards. You just seem to be at that tricky stage of the relationship where you’re asking yourself these big questions. The only way to figure it out is to just acknowledge these feelings instead of fighting them and see where they go. I always say that the stuff you think you can’t tell/talk to your partner about is the exact stuff you should if you want to give the relationship the best shot. If it turns out you do break up? That’ll be ****, but that’s what was supposed to happen too and you’ll recover. Or maybe you’ll have this bumpy/stale patch and come through it with a renewed appreciation for each other that’ll set you up for a happy life together.

CBear1993

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

It sounds like your mind is preparing to break up and you're thinking about the practicalities of it all?

The day to day mechanics of the relationship aren't keeping you happy. It sounds as if she's just going through the motions too. I'd say to have a think about what you want to do. Talk to your girlfriend and find out what she wants.

Can you both work together in finding a way forward? Or are the differences too big?

Hmm I wouldn’t say that.
Just from spending last week when she was away, alone in the apartment, I think I’d crack up.

I’ve lived alone in England and oz for a while, but mostly with another lad or two minimum. Last week it was very lonely and you’ve far too much time to think, I wouldn’t cope well on my own in an apartment in Dublin tbh, would prob end up renting out and moving back to the parents or renting a smaller shared property in dub.

Yeah you’re right, I just need to have a good honest talk.

To be fair I’m not the easiest person to please. I’m very easy going to live with but I struggle to find happiness. I always want more from life so I should probably be grateful for what I have at my age. I was longing for a girlfriend for years before I met her, but never was a relationship type, now I have one I think I need to let this pass and put in some work at it

CBear1993

leggo wrote: »

You’ve got yourself a case of the ‘two year itch’ man. It’s a thing. The first year you’re together, it’s all so new and exciting: first birthdays together, first Christmas, going through the normal calendar with this deadly new person you’re mad about. Second year is where the work and commitment typically start to kick in. Do you actually like each other or was it a novelty? You’re building little traditions and starting to make plans for the future.

Then this can happen. Now the relationship isn’t fun and new anymore. It’s settled, normal, plans aren’t being made moreso they’re being put into action (which takes work and can be frustrating at times if stuff doesn’t work as originally idealised). Because it’s all real now and you have these goals that take work, you can notice little things like disparity in wages, lack of ambition etc. And you’re living together for longer than you weren’t, so it’s not as if at the end of it all it’s this big novelty to see this person when you do. It’s the same person you see every morning, and lockdown could only exacerbate this feeling.

The good news is that, yes, it’s normal and probably a stage all couples go through. It’s very easy to idealise and put people we connect with up on a pedestal when we meet them. But they’re not perfect. Every single person has ‘flaws’ or even perfectly fine things that might wreck our heads when we get to know them, and part of truly loving someone is seeing, acknowledging, learning to live with, accepting and eventually even liking these ‘flaws’. I joke that I don’t take a couple seriously until they can tell me 5 things about the other that wrecks their head (obviously not in a dealbreaker way, more like snoring etc). It’s also natural that your eye is wandering (though downloading Tinder isn’t on but you know that so I’m not going to moralise): you’ve probably had sex with this person every which way from Sunday by now. There’s a part of us, though we don’t necessarily talk to partners about it even if we share everything, that will always long for the excitement and newness of the sex that comes at the start of a relationship. And we can convince ourselves we can only get that through meeting someone new (even though first time sex with a new person is, quite often, never the best sex we’ll have).

But the good relationships evolve past this: it’s not about how much we ‘fancy’ them or how good/often the sex is, it’s about how much we love and appreciate what they bring to our lives, your commitment to them and the shared plans you have. It’s about how unbearable our lives would be without them. Think of it like you see a long-term friend who’s been through the wars with you: you never think about getting rid of them do you? That’s how you should see the right partner. Though, like with a friend, you may have ups and downs and arguments and fallouts over the years. Yet when you weigh it up you’d always rather put anything else behind you because of what they mean to your life.

The bad news is that neither I nor anyone else can tell you how you actually feel, and you probably can’t figure it out via one conversation or thread on boards. You just seem to be at that tricky stage of the relationship where you’re asking yourself these big questions. The only way to figure it out is to just acknowledge these feelings instead of fighting them and see where they go. I always say that the stuff you think you can’t tell/talk to your partner about is the exact stuff you should if you want to give the relationship the best shot. If it turns out you do break up? That’ll be ****, but that’s what was supposed to happen too and you’ll recover. Or maybe you’ll have this bumpy/stale patch and come through it with a renewed appreciation for each other that’ll set you up for a happy life together.

Thanks leggo, very insightful and good to get a detailed perspective on it.

The last few months I have felt bad because I think she has noticed it, she has tried to initiate sex which she struggled with, and I have turned her down a few times, it’s very hard to describe, I don’t know why. Then an hour or two later I will want to do it and she will be ready to sleep.

In addition to this I told her that I was using pornography to masturbate occasionally and it did hurt her feelings. She felt unattractive and thought I wasn’t in to her anymore because I don’t ever try sex unless were in bed and it’s convenient.

Sex aside, I’d agree with everything you’ve said above about 1st and 2nd year. She stuck with me went I went through 2/3 jobs in the space of the first year I was having a few issues with depression, it wouldn’t have been easy, and I pushed her away a lot and tried to deal with it on my own secretly.
I’m in a great place now thankfully and have lost a lot of weight again, back at the gym and playing football. So maybe it’s an increase in confidence that has brought this about?

Another stickler is where we are going to live when we buy the house. I don’t mind Dublin but not the city, would prob be more inclined to move out her direction.
But I have struggled to get a network of lads/friends in Dublin, not gonna lie. I’m a sociable person by nature and usually find it easy to integrate but going back to football was more for the social side than anything.

She’s made it clear That she’d move to my neck of the woods where we’d get a free site , but only if I really wanted her to. As she’d have no friends up there at all.

SusieBlue

I think it’s clear that you can recognise you are at a cross roads here.
From what I can see in your post, neither of you have done anything wrong (apart from you with the tinder thing), you seem to have just grown apart and are starting to go in different directions.
But continuously pushing her away while navel gazing and weighing up your options is going to turn the situation toxic eventually. And it will happen right under your nose.
By that point, you won’t have a say as to whether you continue with the relationship or not, because there will be nothing left to salvage.

So you need to have a long think and a frank discussion with your girlfriend, and either call it a day or make an honest effort to inject some enthusiasm into your relationship.

One really hard lesson I had to learn was the loving someone isn’t always enough. It takes a lot of hard work, compromise and sacrifice to go the distance with someone.
Of course being with the same person day in and day out is bound to get boring and repetitive from time to time, and lockdown exasperated that for a lot of people.
Is it fatigue from spending too much time together in isolation or is it a sign of something deeper?

So what I’m saying is you can’t just keep plodding along. You are having serious doubts, and you need to come to some sort of conclusion about what action you are going to take.
Do you have a close friend or relative you could weigh up the pros and cons with, to see if you think you’d be happier in or out of the relationship?

Augme

I'm a firm believer in the "if you can't be happy alone, you will struggle to be truly happy in a relationship." This to me seems a potential case of this.

You talk about depression and being a socialables person and how it has been tough finding friends. When I was around your age I often find relationships were a way to validate ow I felt about my self. I felt that if someone wanted to be in a relationship with me it meant I was a good person. It was not a healthy way to be though. I needed to learn to like myself for who I am as a person before I could expect do someone to like me and before I was able to really find what I wanted and the type of person I wanted in a relationship.

I know the two year itch is a common thing that people talk about but I also think if after only two years things start to drastically dip then you need to ask yourself how will thing be at the 10year stage or the 20 year stage? The same if sex is already starting to lessen. What's it going to be like on 5 years time?

CBear1993

True yeah.

I’ve turned a corner big time with the mental health though, it hadn’t been as good in years Than what it has been for over a year now. Basically the best ever. My early 20s was plagued by it on and off but that’s cod I was out drinking a lot to the point of blackout. I always thought a relationship would sort it. I spent a lot of time going on holidays etc and now it’s flipped on its head completely after coming home from Australia, just quite a radical change.

It sounds harsh- but if we had a child next week (touch wood) I’d feel almost trapped or doomed? As if I haven’t got to do it all yet or I’m settling too early at 27.

The sex could be solved very easily as it’s not an issue, if I initiated it we would do it a lot more, but I dont. Which is strange considering I have a high sex drive.

I know we need to talk again despite having discussed it a few weeks ago, but also feel she takes a lot of stuff to heart and another serious talk will make her worry a lot more about if she’s doing something wrong, which she isn’t!!

We’re both very good to each other, but it’s just all a placid at the moment .

I suggested traveling with each other for 6-8 weeks once she finishes her masters now in a few months (she does it PT distance). For a change of scenery.

It’s a good quality of life in that we’re comfortable. I just really feel we live a married couple life with kids when we shouldn’t be. We don’t go out in the city at all, and when we do it usually is called off early after a meal.
It isn’t really an answer to start going out more Or with couples more as that won’t last forever and it’s a fake reality.

Maybe spending more time away from the apartment at the weekends.

seenitall

Hi OP,

To me it reads like you are too young to be settling down in a serious relationship. Your head is all over the place. Now, it may not seem like that to you, as you've had bigger struggles with your mental health so I get that it feels better now. But it's very clear to me that you are going to really hurt this girl eventually. Two years in is when a couple gets to a deeper commitment - or not, and that is then felt in the dynamics of the relationship, as well. As Woody Allen said, relationships are like sharks, they have to keep moving forward, or they die.

Your girlfriend has your joint future on her mind, while for you that's great and feels nice and comfortable, but the bottom line is that two years in you are not even hot for her any more. Your eye is wandering. But it's nice to have a lovely girlfriend, and flattering that she is a stunner.

I don't know, the way you write reads kinda cold and distant to me. If I put myself in her shoes, I would absolutely hate reading what you wrote here, how the small stuff, which makes life together, feels like effort, how it's all a bit meh. It has to hurt. Two years in. No, just no.

It would be best for this girl if you let her go. You are the classic case of the conundrum between the cosy domesticity and the lookout to pastures new. So I guess you will sit on it for as long as you can, trying to keep a lid on the other part of yourself. Until it becomes impossible to hide.

Let her go sooner rather than later. The two of you are not in the same headspace at all. Your problem is that you will start pining for your wonderful ex the moment you're single. Definition of a headwrecker. But that shouldn't be her problem. She should be with an adult who is on the same page as her, and you need to grow up. Do it by taking responsibility for all of yourself, go be single and get all the chase out of you. That would be acting with integrity, and like an adult who accepts themselves as they are and knows to step back in order to not keep hurting another person.

Your next talk with her should be about the above, otherwise you are just dancing around the issue, and making her feel more and more insecure about you in the process.

CBear1993

Thanks for the input. All advice taken.

I am very mature in a lot of aspects of life, many of my friends would say I’ve gone very sensible over the last couple of years and “have the head screwed on” but maybe not when it comes to relationship as I’ve inexperience with them.

I do think we can give this a go and try to make it work but if I’m still feeling this way in 6 months at the beginning of 2021 or we both still feel like it’s stale after putting in a sustained effort then I will have to make a serious decision.

I could be making excuses but lockdown has been tough and I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt, and make a conscious effort to do more things outside of the home together.

You’re right to be saying that if she read this she’d be horrified, wouldn’t blame her.
I’ve told her before that I don’t see me popping the question anytime soon, having a baby anytime soon, she says she’s fine with that but I know rightly that’s all that’s in her head, she’s set on it now.

I see now after all the comments now that we need to sit down and make clear our expectations. I want an injection of fun and socializing into the relationship, instead of sitting in with a glass of wine watching the late late.

I know for a fact that if we both lived in my neck of the woods I’d be out with the lads still at least once every weekend, which is probably where I am drawing some of my frustrations from, I don’t have that network in Dublin, and expecting her to replace that with me. Realistically, couples can have fun nights out but it doesn’t tend to be as mad or same as your friends nights

CBear1993

As one other poster said though, it’s probably just a typical man thing we are guilty of. I bet if I slept with one other person and nothing came from it, I’d be kicking myself about the great girl I threw away. So it’s something I need to get over

leggo

CBear1993 wrote: »

As one other poster said though, it’s probably just a typical man thing we are guilty of. I bet if I slept with one other person and nothing came from it, I’d be kicking myself about the great girl I threw away. So it’s something I need to get over

This is very true. What I’ve also seen play out multiple times before is lads who get a bit of attention while in a relationship, it immediately goes to their heads and they assume that the second they break up with their girlfriend there’ll be dozens of women queuing up. A week or two of awkward Tinder chats that go nowhere and nights in bars where they went home alone and they’re back with the tail between their legs.

You’re even assuming in this post that you’re going to sleep with someone, and yes if you break up with this person then you will sleep with another human again. But you may be in for a shock when you see the reality of the singles world versus what you think it is. Even if you’re getting attention (you’re probably more attractive to people BECAUSE you’re not looking and don’t smell of want) and even if you have friends who tell you they’re ‘living the life’ (I’ve ‘lived this life‘ and for every wild story there’s a few I’d rather not talk about and other nights that we’re just forgettable: if I told you just highlights you’d probably think it was amazing but it’s really not what it’s cracked up to be).

Whatever you do, if you’re going to end a good relationship then at least be realistic and make big decisions for the right reasons.

CBear1993

No I know now we have to have a serious talk, even if that might ruffle a few feathers or mightn’t be nice issues to address. In turn she might bring up a few things she’s held back.

It would be a sin to throw away what I believe is a great foundation, trust honesty and best friends, with a lot of shared interests. Just needs some work on my behalf and hers rather than giving up when things aren’t as rosy.

I know for a fact that I wouldn’t last living on my own in Dublin, and I’d end up moving home and being miserable , prob slip back into a bad way.

Thanks for all advice and replies, particularly the woman who posted from her perspective also.

Deeper Blue

To be honest with you OP your posts read like they're written by someone that's 19/20 rather than 27/28.

It sounds to me like you want to live the single life and head out with the lads every weekend.

There's nothing wrong with that but the important thing is that you don't waste anymore of your or your girlfriend's time and end it now. It's not really fair on her and the longer you leave it the more it'll hurt her when it does happen.

I think you and everyone reading this thread know that a breakup is inevitable.

Dial Hard

Honestly OP, it sounds more to me that you're suffering from general existential ennui rather then having issues with your relationship specifically.

Covid-19 has a lot of people questioning the point of many things, sometimes in genuine ways, sometimes in a bit more of a navel-gazing manner, and it sounds to me like you're feeling a bit unmoored and unhappy in general, and are extrapolating that out to stemming from your relationship. You have this vague sensation of longing for something else, something more, you're just not sure what that something is or whether it even exists. We've all been there.

Would you consider speaking to someone? Or even just writing all of this down? Sometimes just getting such thoughts out of our heads and onto paper can strip them of much of their power.

CBear1993

El Sueño wrote: »

To be honest with you OP your posts read like they're written by someone that's 19/20 rather than 27/28.

It sounds to me like you want to live the single life and head out with the lads every weekend.

There's nothing wrong with that but the important thing is that you don't waste anymore of your or your girlfriend's time and end it now. It's not really fair on her and the longer you leave it the more it'll hurt her when it does happen.

I think you and everyone reading this thread know that a breakup is inevitable.

I’d be very surprised if someone 19/20 could offload their thoughts and put them down into words and express how they’re feeling in the same way, having a 19 year old brother and cousins that age. I’d say it would be a minority. But I take your idea, it’s coming across that I’m mixed up and unsure.
As I said before I’m mature in a lot of aspects of life but lacking in relationship experience.

No I would disagree about the ending it, the reason I came on here was to see if it was a real thing that other girls/lads go through. And it’s obvious that it is, and some work is required.

I’ve already made it clear that going back to a life of being out all the time isn’t something I feel would make me happier at all, I’ve been there and done that.

I take your comments on board though.

CBear1993

Dial Hard wrote: »

Honestly OP, it sounds more to me that you're suffering from general existential ennui rather then having issues with your relationship specifically.

Covid-19 has a lot of people questioning the point of many things, sometimes in genuine ways, sometimes in a bit more of a navel-gazing manner, and it sounds to me like you're feeling a bit unmoored and unhappy in general, and are extrapolating that out to stemming from your relationship. You have this vague sensation of longing for something else, something more, you're just not sure what that something is or whether it even exists. We've all been there.

Would you consider speaking to someone? Or even just writing all of this down? Sometimes just getting such thoughts out of our heads and onto paper can strip them of much of their power.

I’ve talked to 4 or 5 therapists over the years. Tried 2/3 when in Dublin about 18 months ago when I wasn’t in a great place . To be honest a good one is hard to find, I tried to stick with it but I feel a lot of them are all the same. They’re good people and well qualified but CBT/different techniques it was all a bit wishy washy. I’d just come every week and offload my thoughts and wouldn’t ever get a straight answer from them, and very little back from them, just suggestions.

I found that keeping a diary myself with mind maps and incorporating some exercise and time away from social media and screens worked just as well. I wouldn’t mind going to someone every week to offload my thoughts only it’s anything from €45-60 for one hour in Dublin.

You could be right. I do question things a lot, and would be quite deep.
I struggled with work for a year or two some time back in that I didn’t get any fulfillment or purpose from it in life and found the whole 9-5 sitting at a desk extremely dissatisfying. I changed 2-3 employers in a short space of time which I was embarrassed about and hid from my family. Contemplated changing careers but it didn’t seem worth the hassle of studying part time on top of a job and taking a 25-30K drop to a grad / entry salary again.

It could be just COVID and hopefully it’ll pass. I could be going really well for 5-6 weeks training, working hard, eating well and very positive about everything, then one bad week of eating crap, stopping training and having a lot of doubts over my relationship or job slips in and I’m hard to live with. Kind of an all or nothing person.
But definitely, I do become a bit detached from life at times and don’t see the point in anything. I used to say it was laziness and would be very hard on myself but realized it’s something deeper. Was struggling big time to get out of bed in the mornings and didn’t want to face the world.

Thankfully I’m a lot better place now, and I was on different antidepressants from about 21-26 but got myself off of them 12 months ago, truly believe that they are a poison and people become dependent on them. I’ve a much clearer mind ever since.

Thanks for opening this upto me though, never even knew what the term existential ennui was, had to search it!

leggo

The trick to therapy is taking responsibility for where you are in your life and, thus, taking control of your circumstances. If you don't do that, it won't work.

Even here I'm observing that you're pushing responsibility for your mood onto your girlfriend's salary/ambition, onto your working circumstances or where you live. Even with therapy, it's not you, it's that they were 'well-qualified but wishy-washy' or cost too much. Do you really think EVERY therapist you saw was ineffective? Or that you're immune to therapy? Have you considered that maybe you're the common denominator in this course not working with multiple people you admit are very qualified to do what they do? You seem intelligent and very analytical (nothing wrong with that, I'd be the same), but you need to remember to point that analytical eye inward because ultimately that's the only way you're going to find true contentment.

I've been with people who were having mental health dips in relationships that worked perfectly fine and had to deal with them making me the boogeyman in their lives despite nothing about me changing during times when they were mad about me. It's very draining. And I'm willing to bet that, unless they've learned to take responsibility, even with me long gone from their lives they're still having the same dips from time-to-time because they're making circumstances/people they can't control responsible for their mood. It's something to think about at the very least.

vikings2012

I too am victim to the rat race of constantly wanting to achieve more and am rarely happy or satisfied.

Perhaps you have settled too early? Or is it the fact that you could be missing out on ‘something better’?

You mentioned that you’ve lost weight and have developed more confidence. Perhaps, in your mindset you want to reap the rewards of this?

Similarly with money, you seem to be climbing the ladder while she is remaining static. Do you want a partner is more motivated to achieve a successful career?

Your girlfriend has helped you a lot in the past regarding your mental health etc. However, that should not be a factor which plays into your consideration for maintaining the relationship.

You mentioned that you like to travel and live alone again, is it possible to apply for a short term position abroad ? It would create some breathing space and you can take time to figure out things. Plus, it would be only a short term position so there would be no need for her to travel with you and she could have ad hoc visits. It might create a new sense of appreciation for her or create a new perspective on life. It also helps to boost your career as well.

A lot of people have experienced toxic relationships. You however had only two significant relationships. Sometimes it’s hard for people to see the gems in their possession when they haven’t experienced the worse of the worse.

CBear1993

leggo wrote: »

The trick to therapy is taking responsibility for where you are in your life and, thus, taking control of your circumstances. If you don't do that, it won't work.

Even here I'm observing that you're pushing responsibility for your mood onto your girlfriend's salary/ambition, onto your working circumstances or where you live. Even with therapy, it's not you, it's that they were 'well-qualified but wishy-washy' or cost too much. Do you really think EVERY therapist you saw was ineffective? Or that you're immune to therapy? Have you considered that maybe you're the common denominator in this course not working with multiple people you admit are very qualified to do what they do? You seem intelligent and very analytical (nothing wrong with that, I'd be the same), but you need to remember to point that analytical eye inward because ultimately that's the only way you're going to find true contentment.

I've been with people who were having mental health dips in relationships that worked perfectly fine and had to deal with them making me the boogeyman in their lives despite nothing about me changing during times when they were mad about me. It's very draining. And I'm willing to bet that, unless they've learned to take responsibility, even with me long gone from their lives they're still having the same dips from time-to-time because they're making circumstances/people they can't control responsible for their mood. It's something to think about at the very least.

Would agree with you on that , still think the therapy is expensive for what it is! For a while I tried reducing it to once a fortnight, but it was too much of a gap. They tend to want to see you fairly regular rather than once every 3/4 weeks.

I will maybe give it a go again and seek a few recommendations first.

I certainly overthink and Analyse a lot, end up getting into a fluster over the smallest things that don’t actually matter, or focus too much energy on a small inconvenience that there’s nothing wrong with.

Thanks for that Leggo. Definitely need to take a long hard look at myself first and face some honest truths in the mirror

eggy81

El Sueño wrote: »

To be honest with you OP your posts read like they're written by someone that's 19/20 rather than 27/28.

It sounds to me like you want to live the single life and head out with the lads every weekend.

There's nothing wrong with that but the important thing is that you don't waste anymore of your or your girlfriend's time and end it now. It's not really fair on her and the longer you leave it the more it'll hurt her when it does happen.

I think you and everyone reading this thread know that a breakup is inevitable.

Jeez theyd be very unusual 19/20 year olds from my experience if they posted with the insight and honesty this fella has. Smh

CBear1993

vikings2012 wrote: »

I too am victim to the rat race of constantly wanting to achieve more and am rarely happy or satisfied.

Perhaps you have settled too early? Or is it the fact that you could be missing out on ‘something better’?

You mentioned that you’ve lost weight and have developed more confidence. Perhaps, in your mindset you want to reap the rewards of this?

Similarly with money, you seem to be climbing the ladder while she is remaining static. Do you want a partner is more motivated to achieve a successful career?

Your girlfriend has helped you a lot in the past regarding your mental health etc. However, that should not be a factor which plays into your consideration for maintaining the relationship.

You mentioned that you like to travel and live alone again, is it possible to apply for a short term position abroad ? It would create some breathing space and you can take time to figure out things. Plus, it would be only a short term position so there would be no need for her to travel with you and she could have ad hoc visits. It might create a new sense of appreciation for her or create a new perspective on life. It also helps to boost your career as well.

A lot of people have experienced toxic relationships. You however had only two significant relationships. Sometimes it’s hard for people to see the gems in their possession when they haven’t experienced the worse of the worse.

Yeah she isn’t keen on the position abroad, as I’d prob only get home every 2 or 3 weeks for a weekend.
I did this in the past before and it meant it was very hard to keep a relationship going with any girl. You’re better off just moving away completely and living there.

No I don’t genuinely think there’s something better out there, it’s searching for something that probably doesn’t even exist. If I had something else I’d realise what I had was better or as good.

the-island-man

I'd say this is more about you than her. Do you think the issue is possibly that you're longing for your youth? I know that sounds odd, of course you're still relatively young. But longing for the partying days. Maybe once Covid passes you could look up groups on https://www.meetup.com/. I joined a hiking group through it when I was in my mid-20's and a bit lost and it helped.

What I mean by that is the mention of going out more with the lads. Your experience of life changes as you go through it and you can get caught still at the bar stool while all your friends life's have changed. They've maybe moved on, got married and have kids.

I know you mentioned you're not that interested in kids. You know yourself better than I do but I would advise having a think about that again. No harm if you're not interested but if you want them when you're older then don't expect that it's just as easy as having to plan it. I have personal experience that when it comes to pregnancies all bets are off in terms of it going to plan.

I turned 30 just before becoming a Dad. I find it very tiring at times but it's also really worthwhile. I also couldn't imagine trying to start a family in my late 30's or early 40's. As the saying goes time waits for no man.

CBear1993

the-island-man wrote: »

I'd say this is more about you than her. Do you think the issue is possibly that you're longing for your youth? I know that sounds odd, of course you're still relatively young. But longing for the partying days. Maybe once Covid passes you could look up groups on https://www.meetup.com/. I joined a hiking group through it when I was in my mid-20's and a bit lost and it helped.

What I mean by that is the mention of going out more with the lads. Your experience of life changes as you go through it and you can get caught still at the bar stool while all your friends life's have changed. They've maybe moved on, got married and have kids.

I know you mentioned you're not that interested in kids. You know yourself better than I do but I would advise having a think about that again. No harm if you're not interested but if you want them when you're older then don't expect that it's just as easy as having to plan it. I have personal experience that when it comes to pregnancies all bets are off in terms of it going to plan.

I turned 30 just before becoming a Dad. I find it very tiring at times but it's also really worthwhile. I also couldn't imagine trying to start a family in my late 30's or early 40's. As the saying goes time waits for no man.

I know, my parents often say to me that a child changes your life and it would give you purpose and responsibility.

But it would be extremely selfish, irresponsible and wrong of me to even consider that at the minute based on what I’ve said above. As much as my girlfriend would jump at the chance

repulsebay321

eggy81 wrote: »

Jeez theyd be very unusual 19/20 year olds from my experience if they posted with the insight and honesty this fella has. Smh

OP can write competently and is perceived well by his peers. But the point is that he doesn't find his girlfriend as sexually attractive, is downloading tinder randomly and checking out girls running in the neighbourhood while simultaneously longing for lad's nights out. Comparing this behaviour to a 19 year old isn't wrong.

strandroad

CBear1993 wrote: »

I want an injection of fun and socializing into the relationship, instead of sitting in with a glass of wine watching the late late.

I know for a fact that if we both lived in my neck of the woods I’d be out with the lads still at least once every weekend, which is probably where I am drawing some of my frustrations from, I don’t have that network in Dublin, and expecting her to replace that with me. Realistically, couples can have fun nights out but it doesn’t tend to be as mad or same as your friends nights

You're getting a lot of great advice here OP so I just want to comment on this piece; do not expect your partner to be your social life or you're doomed! Not just this relationship, any relationship ever.

Really try to disentangle the two in your head before you make any relationship decisions. You'll be doing some things together (more when the lockdown is lifted obviously) but your partner should only be a fraction of your social life not its entirety, it would be completely unhealthy to have such expectation in the best of times. Activities are coming back now, find yourself a gym or a parkrun or whatever you like where you get to be outside of the apartment and you can get some social energy back, then reevaluate.

zoobizoo

Do you have fun together?

CBear1993

zoobizoo wrote: »

Do you have fun together?

Yes definitely. When we go for the day out or go on holidays, there’s always a laugh. Even just in the house. We find each other funny and laughter is always near.

CBear1993

strandroad wrote: »

You're getting a lot of great advice here OP so I just want to comment on this piece; do not expect your partner to be your social life or you're doomed! Not just this relationship, any relationship ever.

Really try to disentangle the two in your head before you make any relationship decisions. You'll be doing some things together (more when the lockdown is lifted obviously) but your partner should only be a fraction of your social life not its entirety, it would be completely unhealthy to have such expectation in the best of times. Activities are coming back now, find yourself a gym or a parkrun or whatever you like where you get to be outside of the apartment and you can get some social energy back, then reevaluate.

Yep would agree with you 100% and I always said this in the past to my friends. She goes out a good bit to meet up with friends at weekends and weekday evenings.

That’s why I’ve went back out to football in Dublin, I’m a gym goer but it’s not great for socializing obviously.

It’s tough to be honest as I said above all of my friends are a 2-2.5 hour drive away. Just will take a bit of effort on my behalf, but I’ll be honest it is very tough in Dublin to branch out, maybe not for girls. And I would count myself as a very sociable , down to earth, approachable type. I get on well with 99% of people and in the workplace I’d strike up a connection very easily with clients and colleagues.

CBear1993

repulsebay321 wrote: »

OP can write competently and is perceived well by his peers. But the point is that he doesn't find his girlfriend as sexually attractive, is downloading tinder randomly and checking out girls running in the neighbourhood while simultaneously longing for lad's nights out. Comparing this behaviour to a 19 year old isn't wrong.

Hey. I didn’t say anywhere on the thread I find her appearance less attractive. Also addressed the lads nights out by saying I know they don’t solve anything, and I’ve been there and done that, it was more about getting my own social scene in my adopted city. I suggested we needed to become more social as a couple.

Thanks for the valuable contribution though. I thought comments like this belonged in after hours ?

HildaOgdenx

Not going to add much more, OP.

You have had lots of advice across your various threads/ posts. Just to say, I think some of it is as a pp said, ennui. It's been a strange strange time for everyone, regardless of circumstances over the past four or five months.

You seem quite self aware. I would recommend stepping away a little from the various posts/ threads and looking for and taking time to ponder on any common themes, in the advice received.

I also agree with the advice you received on another forum, in relation to the type of counselling you would likely find beneficial.

CBear1993

HildaOgdenx wrote: »

Not going to add much more, OP.

You have had lots of advice across your various threads/ posts. Just to say, I think some of it is as a pp said, ennui. It's been a strange strange time for everyone, regardless of circumstances over the past four or five months.

You seem quite self aware. I would recommend stepping away a little from the various posts/ threads and looking for and taking time to ponder on any common themes, in the advice received.

I also agree with the advice you received on another forum, in relation to the type of counselling you would likely find beneficial.

Thanks, Hilda.

cj maxx

OP , at 2 years you're at a time when both of you are wondering if this is the person to bring it further. It's normal after 2 years . don't worry about it

CBear1993

cj maxx wrote: »

OP , at 2 years you're at a time when both of you are wondering if this is the person to bring it further. It's normal after 2 years . don't worry about it

Thanks for the reassurance. Thinking a talk but maybe also a weekend away or a day spent together just discussing everything might help.

But also need to look at myself big time on reflection of this thread.

OP, judging from some of your posts, you seem unsure of a lot of things in your life & wish someone else would tell you what you should do.
That is not going to happen.
As you get older, you know yourself better, & can rely on your own judgement more.
Take a break from the stress & just think about what you will be happiest doing. In all aspects of your life.

About the relationship, sorry but I think it's over. Seems to have run its course, no-one fault these things happen, but don't drag it out because you don't have anyone else in Dublin. It's not fair on her.
Time to stand on your own two feet I think.

CBear1993

bubblypop wrote: »

OP, judging from some of your posts, you seem unsure of a lot of things in your life & wish someone else would tell you what you should do.
That is not going to happen.
As you get older, you know yourself better, & can rely on your own judgement more.
Take a break from the stress & just think about what you will be happiest doing. In all aspects of your life.

About the relationship, sorry but I think it's over. Seems to have run its course, no-one fault these things happen, but don't drag it out because you don't have anyone else in Dublin. It's not fair on her.
Time to stand on your own two feet I think.

Yep, I’m extremely cautious and weigh up all sides before I make decisions, which wrecks my own head sometimes. Rather than just going for it! And learning from the mistake if it doesn’t pay off.

I try to calculate everything so that I don’t fail

Ok... I think if i took a step back and did some reflection I can find a new appreciation for her after getting this off of my chest. Definitely think a better effort on my behalf can mean a new lease of life into the relationship and I’ll look back at this wondering what I was on about, picking small holes out of nothing, in an unsure time.

Shelga

CBear1993 wrote: »

Yep, I’m extremely cautious and weigh up all sides before I make decisions, which wrecks my own head sometimes. Rather than just going for it! And learning from the mistake if it doesn’t pay off.

I try to calculate everything so that I don’t fail

Ok... I think if i took a step back and did some reflection I can find a new appreciation for her after getting this off of my chest. Definitely think a better effort on my behalf can mean a new lease of life into the relationship and I’ll look back at this wondering what I was on about, picking small holes out of nothing, in an unsure time.

Do you love her or not?

CBear1993

Shelga wrote: »

Do you love her or not?

Yes

Augme

Therapy and counciling is always an interesting beast. The most important part of therapy is how someone approaches it. You need to figure out why you are doing it, what you want from it and how much work are you willing to put into achieve that.

I think often the biggest problem is that people approach it as some fix all remedy that they will just need to turn up, do some talking and then the therapist will just tell the person what is wrong and what needs to be done. That's not how it should work or how it would ever be successful.

It weird, but there is a sense of feeling like it is a waste of money because on the surface all a therapist should be doing is just asking questions and giving vague responses. What differentiates the quality of therapists is the kind of questions they ask, the qualify of the vague response and their ability to push their client into exploring their issues themselves outside of the sessions.

This is were the hardwork comes into it, you have to be investing a lot of your own time into exploring your own issues and really digging deep and going into places you'd be recluctant/afraid to go between sessions. It really is a huge amount of work too but massively rewarding.

You definitely seem like someone who is very capable of analysising themselves and has a very good level of self-awareness for someone your age and a willingness to push that more too so I really would recommend not giving up on therapy and give it another try. But before you do really ask yourself what you want to achieve from it and what kind of person you would like to be at the end of it.

tara73

I read all your responses here OP, and I have to say I agree with the posters here who say you should let her go, this relationship is doomed.

in every post you kind of contradict yourself or find more or less strange excuses why you are thinking of other women. the strangest for me is that you don't have your 'lads' around in Dublin. You can't go out with them...
What a lame excuse, it's possible to find new friends, especially in a big city as Dublin. Join sport clubs or find other activities you are interested in to meet people. You are still very young, yes, it's getting much more difficult the older you get to find real friends, but not in your agegroup if you really want to.

And you described you already talked things through with her and both agreed to make more of an effort. You always mention you want to discuss things again with her. I ask myself what else is there to discuss?

She's already putting words into practice and started to initiate sex although she's the shy type and it's not easy for her. what more do you want her to do and what are you doing to improve the relationship?

you are still thinking of having sex with other women and are bordering on opening an account on a dating app. for me, this is a step further than just having doubts of a 2 year relationship as many others here tell you.

Yes, I think you should have another talk with her, and in this talk you should tell her that you are longing for sex with other women and you want to open an account on a dating app. Than let her decide what she wants to do with the relationship.

You are very immature, you want to have both worlds, the secure girlfriend at home and also the single life sleeping with different women, as others here pointed out already.

I pity your girlfriend and hope for her you will let her go sooner or later before you cheat on her and break her heart.

CBear1993

tara73 wrote: »

I read all your responses here OP, and I have to say I agree with the posters here who say you should let her go, this relationship is doomed.

in every post you kind of contradict yourself or find more or less strange excuses why you are thinking of other women. the strangest for me is that you don't have your 'lads' around in Dublin. You can't go out with them...
What a lame excuse, it's possible to find new friends, especially in a big city as Dublin. Join sport clubs or find other activities you are interested in to meet people. You are still very young, yes, it's getting much more difficult the older you get to find real friends, but not in your agegroup if you really want to.

And you described you already talked things through with her and both agreed to make more of an effort. You always mention you want to discuss things again with her. I ask myself what else is there to discuss?

She's already putting words into practice and started to initiate sex although she's the shy type and it's not easy for her. what more do you want her to do and what are you doing to improve the relationship?

you are still thinking of having sex with other women and are bordering on opening an account on a dating app. for me, this is a step further than just having doubts of a 2 year relationship as many others here tell you.

Yes, I think you should have another talk with her, and in this talk you should tell her that you are longing for sex with other women and you want to open an account on a dating app. Than let her decide what she wants to do with the relationship.

You are very immature, you want to have both worlds, the secure girlfriend at home and also the single life sleeping with different women, as others here pointed out already.

I pity your girlfriend and hope for her you will let her go sooner or later before you cheat on her and break her heart.

Wow, Ok, points taken. Interesting to say the least.

Can a moderator now close/discontinue the thread please?

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Thread closed as per OPs request.

Thank you all who took the time to reply.

HS