Ex reaching out to me at a stressful time

LegacyUser

My ex of 18 months ago emailed me in a distressed state about her dying pet. I vowed to never again talk to her but I'm feeling very guilty ignoring her. I know a lot of people won't relate, but losing the cat will be like losing a child for her, I know she's going through a lot of pain.

She has tried to get in touch before, but I've always just ignored. She cheated on me, and worse, gaslit me about it for months while we were together. When we broke up, I held my peace about the horrible the way she treated me, and how much she hurt me. Because I basically walked away without expressing those feelings, I get the impression that she doesn't understand why I refuse to reply to her or be her friend anymore. I never wanted to explain why, because it would only result in a fight that would achieve nothing and make no difference to our future relationship.

She's probably is going to think I'm heartless for not replying, because she doesn't understand how much she hurt me. I know that shouldn't bother me, but it does, even though I am finished with her. I also feel very bad for her losing the cat she loves like a child, and for not replying to say I'm sorry.

Am I right to just ignore?

Neyite

It's sad that she's losing a pet and yes she does need support during that grieving process but you aren't the person to do that.

I don't know, if it was me I'd probably be unable to decide whether to ignore or whether to send a curt message along the lines of "I'm sorry to hear about Tiddles, but I can't be your support person, please don't text me again" or something like that. And then I'd be blocking the number.

eviltwin

Given that she has gaslit you in the past I wouldn't contact her. Call me cynical but I would be wondering if the pet dying story is genuine. As Neyite says there are other more appropriate people for her to get support from if she needs it and you're not a bed person for not being a shoulder to cry on. What can you really do anyway? Callous as it sounds I'd leave her to it.

dmm82

I would probably reply saying I was sorry about her pet but that you are not there to be her shoulder to cry on.. I would tell her why too, why should she get away without being pulled up on what she did? I would then block her.

Dog day

Hi OP, the best response here is no response. She has form for gaslighting you, the relationship is over for good reasons.

It’s sad that her pet has died, I totally appreciate that & it’s admirable that you genuinely feel sorry for her on that score however it’s not your place now to have to comfort her. These are strange & stressful times & many folks seem to be hearing from exes, I know I have!

Look after yourself in this & ignore.

I also wouldn’t advise blocking her as that in itself is a type of response & could lead to more unwanted drama.

Kidchameleon

She's your ex. Ignore and block. Why would you feel bad? You have no reason to, she is not part of your life

cannotlogin

Don't you think she already abused you enough by cheating on you and gaslighting you?

She's now going for the hat trick by trying to manipulate you! She's trying to get under your skin and she has or you wouldn't be posting here.

Delete email and do nothing more. She doesn't deserve any other response.

banoffe2

agree with all the above posters OP, its not your problem nothing to do with you, it would be easier to act on impulse and do the wrong thing in acknowledging her text, than doing the right thing by ignoring it, and have respect for yourself, she is part of your past, best of luck to you.

tara73

I think replying with this short message as poster above phrased it already, I'm sorry xxx is dying, but I'm not the shoulder to cry on, don't contact me anymore is the way to go for you.

I can anticipate from your post you wouldn't feel comfortable for yourself with not replying at all. so this short but firm and clarifying reply gives you the comfort you need but leaves no room for her thinking she could mess around with you.
I wouldn't start explaining at all how she hurt you and all this, that could/ should have been done during the break up but now it would be unnecessary and would just leave the impression you still think about it/her and with that you'll fulfill exactly her need for attention from you and probably starting a discussion and the contact she wants.

zoobizoo

Does she not have friends and family to speak with about this?

She's using it as an excuse to get in touch with you.

You have to ask 'what is her intention here'? Is it positive? Is it that she wants some one to tell her what she wants to hear?

Maybe her friends and family think 'It's only a cat, get over It' but she knows that you will empathise and can use you to get some from you.

Dog day

OP, I’m back again to urge you to please not respond to her in any way shape or form, even if it makes you feel bad that’s just because it sounds like you’re a genuinely nice person. From what you’ve told us she treated you terribly.

As others have said you’re not her shoulder to cry on, ignoring her is the very best way forward.

Good luck!

MissShihTzu

tara73 wrote: »

I think replying with this short message as poster above phrased it already, I'm sorry xxx is dying, but I'm not the shoulder to cry on, don't contact me anymore is the way to go for you.

I can anticipate from your post you wouldn't feel comfortable for yourself with not replying at all. so this short but firm and clarifying reply gives you the comfort you need but leaves no room for her thinking she could mess around with you.
I wouldn't start explaining at all how she hurt you and all this, that could/ should have been done during the break up but now it would be unnecessary and would just leave the impression you still think about it/her and with that you'll fulfill exactly her need for attention from you and probably starting a discussion and the contact she wants.

I'm not sure this is the best way to go. I recently lost my beloved dog. No way would I e-mail an ex to tell them about it. A lot of my friends at home don't even know I've lost my boy as it's still too raw and painful to talk about. To me, contacting an ex is beyond weird, especially as time has passed.


No - I think Girlfriend's probably genuine, but is not contacting for the best of reasons. It's for drama. For that, I would just delete the e-mail without further comment.

hedzball

Do not respond to her.


**** her.


Delete her number and block her..

spaceHopper

If you reply you'll get another email saying I'm sorry I miss you. As soon as you got it if you had replied saying sorry but it's over for a reason I don't want anymore to do with you please ... then you'd probably get away with it but you've sat on it so now she knows you've mixed feelings and she'll be back with more messages to reel you back in and mess with you head. She may have no intention of getting back with you she could just be bored at home and it's a power game. Best thing to do is nothing, block her if you can and forget she ever sent you a message.

Eimee90

You sound like a really genuine person to be concerned for her so fair play to you. But I would never in a million years message a guy I broke up with about a grieving situation unless that person was still my friend and we were still in contact. It's very odd what she is doing.

ManOfMystery

It's the cat this time, next time it will be something else.

What's causing her anxiety and sadness is not important, it's the fact that she's continuing to lean on you as a support mechanism when your relationship is over - and also her brazenness at doing so considering her behaviour towards you was well below any normal standard.

My first response would be just to ignore her and block her number/email address/etc. But if you do feel you must respond, I would outline exactly what I've written above - she behaved very poorly towards you, and as a result you no longer want anything to do with her or any future communications from her. And then block her on everything.

leggo

I used to have an ex who treated me pretty badly. Every time I’d be ready to walk, shock horror, there’d be a medical emergency or something else dramatic that would coax me into ‘needing’ to talk to her. Their dog that I adored has ‘nearly died’ several times. That was years ago and guess what? The dog is still alive. I’d fall for it too because I still cared until they pushed me too far, I got away from them long enough to see what they were doing, and saw it for what it was: emotional manipulation preying on the fact that I cared to get back in the good books without having to change their behaviour one iota.

That story struck me while reading your OP. I feel this is what that is. This person doesn’t care about you OP, not really, you don’t treat people you love the way she did you. Maybe she’s not able to care about others properly, that’s her problem. But the reality is that you feeling how you feel is exactly what they want to happen so they can get you back talking to them without needing to address what happened (because you’d be a ‘bad person’ to bring all that up while their poor pet is dying).

If they’re stuck for people to reach out to, that’s on them and likely a consequence of their behaviour towards others. You won’t help them by letting them off the hook, and it’ll do you no good. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, you owe them nothing and it’s not your problem. Don’t harm your recovery from this person when they don’t even care about you enough to realise that you needed to recover from them.

Panthro

Your gut is bang on OP. Ignore ignore ignore.
Delete the number, cut all social media contact.
She's your ex for a reason, keep it that way.
Look after no.1.
And good luck.

skallywag

I had a somewhat similar thing happen to me once, although the situation was more serious (no disrespect meant to the cat!) in the it was a parent who was very ill and going to die. It was also all the more difficult as I had a very good relationship with said parent while we had been an item. I sent a short response saying I was very sorry to hear that, and then another short response of condolence when she contacted me again after the parent died. I could tell that she wanted to strike up more of a chat etc., and while I felt real bad at the time, I still ignored the subsequent message or two which arrived. She got the message and eventually did not contact me again. I feel that I did the right thing, albeit that it did leave a guilty taste in my mouth at the time.

OP, I would send a short message of condolence, without any mention of 'dont contact me again, etc.' I see no need for that. If you are contacted again, then ignore. If contacted subsequently then block.

eviltwin

Just bear in mind OP the text is all about her and her needs. No mention of the treatment towards you, no apologies and no consideration for how you will feel hearing from her again. Just me me me. I wouldn't feed into that by replying no matter how upset she is.

ILoveYourVibes

You are right to ignore her.


She has contacted you without saying sorry. Its a 'oh poor me letter'.

I don't doubt she misses her pet. I don't doubt though she is using it to manipulate you.

She wants you to feel guilty and to feel sorry for her.

B.A._Baracus

Stop being soft OP.
I don't say that to be rude either. But as a motivation to toughen up. She broke your heart and now she has a "dying pet" - who cares if it's real or not (but let's be honest it's a lie, it's emotional manipulation)

But you want to know what I have learned in life?
When someone hurts you... Morals, ethics or even 'being nice' is out the window.

Self-worth, self-respect and self-esteem are things we must value. Personally if I was in your shoes I'd message her to f*uck off for being a cheating slut and to fu"*k her pet fictionally "dying" - then block her.

Some people (who are soft, sorry it's true) would say 'ah there's no need for that' - but she cheated on you. She didn't give a bollocks while she bounced on some other guys dick... Being civil, being nice is long gone.

LegacyUser

So it's a few months since my OP and I took the advice here and ignored.

I was very close with her family, and they still message me on my birthday, xmas etc. I got birthday messages from her family recently, and even though i love hearing from them and enthusiastically reply, i feel so terrible when my ex then sends her birthday wishes and I have to blank her. I feel very down and guilty about it.

I miss her family and appreciate their kindness towards me, but feel very weird about being in touch with them while blanking her. I'm not sure if she knows they still contact me, but I imagine they tell her. It can't be nice for her. I don't want to blank her family who've always been so kind to me, but it's also making me feel awful too.

MissShihTzu

I think this is a way to reel you back in. Riding on the back of the family who have always been kind to you to 'add her good wishes' is BS to be frank. Carry on as you were!

I think you should also start to loosen and then cut the ties with the family. You ex is your past. So too, are her family. No matter how kind to you they've been.

endacl

Send her a link to the DSPCA. Tell her she can get a free replacement cat there, and wish her well with her future endeavours.

LegacyUser

PolkaDancer11 wrote: »

My ex of 18 months ago emailed me in a distressed state about her dying pet. I vowed to never again talk to her but I'm feeling very guilty ignoring her. I know a lot of people won't relate, but losing the cat will be like losing a child for her, I know she's going through a lot of pain.

She has tried to get in touch before, but I've always just ignored. She cheated on me, and worse, gaslit me about it for months while we were together. When we broke up, I held my peace about the horrible the way she treated me, and how much she hurt me. Because I basically walked away without expressing those feelings, I get the impression that she doesn't understand why I refuse to reply to her or be her friend anymore. I never wanted to explain why, because it would only result in a fight that would achieve nothing and make no difference to our future relationship.

She's probably is going to think I'm heartless for not replying, because she doesn't understand how much she hurt me. I know that shouldn't bother me, but it does, even though I am finished with her. I also feel very bad for her losing the cat she loves like a child, and for not replying to say I'm sorry.

Am I right to just ignore?

Losing a cat wouldn't feel like losing a child. I don't care how much anyone loves their cat. They get over it, they will miss the little quirks and have some bittersweet memories but it's nothing like losing a child so she'll be fine. If she was losing a child then I would have to offer some support, but not for a pet after how she treated you. Keep ignoring her because you don't need her in your life.

Pistachio19

Block her number so her messages cannot get through. While it's nice that her family still think of you, I wouldn't be replying so enthusiastically so maybe a simple 'cheers' or 'thanks' will do when they next say happy birthday. Don't be in a hurry to text them for their birthday, if it's something you do. If you don't ease yourself away from these people your ex will always be hanging around in the background and neither of you will fully move on from the relationship.

Purple Mountain

It's not actually fair on your ex that A. her family keep in touch with you and B. you respond to them.
You should take the lead and don't respond to them again.. When you break up with someone, you need to break up with their family too.

Bricriu

Sorry if this is upsetting to you, Op, but I think by not explaining to her how hurt you were when the relationship ended, has meant that you haven't got closure.

Explanations in such situations are good for both parties. It clarifies what happened on both sides, and lets them move on.

Widdensushi

Bricriu wrote: »

Sorry if this is upsetting to you, Op, but I think by not explaining to her how hurt you were when the relationship ended, has meant that you haven't got closure.

Explanations in such situations are good for both parties. It clarifies what happened on both sides, and lets them move on.

Do not contact her, if she was a cheat and gaslighting you stay no contact. She will be her next victims problem.

hayoc

You need to detach from her family.

She is getting background updates from them on you and what you are doing.

This person cheated on you and gaslight you. Why do you want to be talking to her family at all?

LegacyUser

It is nice that they thought of you on your birthday (Belated Happy Birthday btw!), and Im sure you miss them a lot, but I agree with the majority. I think you know too that it is well past time that you broke off contact with all of them, especially seeing as you keep zero contact with your actual ex.
How long ago is it since you broke up?
You're not going to be able to move on properly if them getting in contact every few months is giving you pangs of guilt.
It is very sad when a relationship is over, and when you get on well with their family, it's like breaking up with each of them too. It's for the best that you all move on, sooner rather than later.

antix80

PolkaDancer11 wrote: »

I got birthday messages from her family recently, and even though i love hearing from them and enthusiastically reply, i feel so terrible when my ex then sends her birthday wishes and I have to blank her. I feel very down and guilty about it.

The family probably don't realise you're ghosting her. They probably talk to her about you and she has to pretend you're still friends.

As part of the breakup, she gets her family. You need to untangle yourself from her life.

I was in a similar situation where my ex blanked me but kept pally with my family. My family would talk about my ex as if we were still on friendly terms when in reality i was being blanked. I felt anguish to be honest

In the end, i plucked up the courage to ask my family to delete my ex on social media and they all did with no questions asked.

You're being really awful. You can't have your cake and eat it.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks enough of the loss of pet vs lost of child discussion. It is of absolutely no relevance to the advice the OP is seeking.

If you have no advice to offer the OP then, as per the Charter, please move to another thread.

Thanks

HS

ETA - I've deleted a a couple of off topic posts. Please remember when replying to a thread in PI/RI you must do so in a manner that offers advice to the OP.