Somethings wrong with me

seasidedub

I'm sorry for the troubles you seem to be having. Just in general, be aware that online dating is a minefield. You really have to sift through all the fake profiles, time wasters, head wreckers and plain weirdos. You will likely need to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.

In a social setting like a pub etc. in terms of old school dating, apart from the fact that it was more organic and you could see, hear, even smell the person while chatting to them or eyeing them up - there was also the possibility for your radar to kick in much more easily and accurately, you sort of got a feel for someone. Online it is harder.

There really are a lot of time wasters out there who have no interest in a relationship or even dating but just want to test the waters, some may be in relationships and just swiping around to see what else is out there. Do Google searches on photos, check people out as much as you can - you would be amazed at how many fake profiles are out there and if you find them, just delete and don't engage. You may have to go on endless rounds of meet-ups and it can be soul-destroying. Then, you might start chatting or meet up with someone who seems like they could be a real prospect and they start texting only sporadically or ghost you or whatever. But people do meet up with genuine people and you just have to persevere. Good luck.

seasidedub

This....

"And nothing will make me not text back quicker than knowing that, whenever I text, the person will be waiting by the phone and be happy to just hear from me."

It seems that even online, men will sniff out anyone they deem to be desperate and run a mile, even if the pictures are amazing. Even the online world can't seem to get over the generalisation that men want to be the hunter. You'd think we'd be over all that but..............

seasidedub

Anyway point being, a lot of the time, someone is just not that into you. End of. I "met" someone online, a lot of texting, chatting, and yeah - I did the classic thing of tending to be available when he had the time or interest in chatting because I felt (stupidly) a "connection", and then he just kind of stopped, just a few words here and there and no real interest in actually meeting up. This clip, while it is more about when you actually meet someone and you want more of them, but they make excuses - it still resonates a bit. The online guy just wasn't that into me.

leggo

seasidedub wrote: »

This....

"And nothing will make me not text back quicker than knowing that, whenever I text, the person will be waiting by the phone and be happy to just hear from me."

It seems that even online, men will sniff out anyone they deem to be desperate and run a mile, even if the pictures are amazing. Even the online world can't seem to get over the generalisation that men want to be the hunter. You'd think we'd be over all that but..............

This isn’t a gendered debate. Women are just as likely to be put off stuff like over-eagerness or investment too. A healthy relationship is about two people who connect with and respect each other, and part of that comes from having respect for yourself and demonstrating that through your behaviour. If you show that you don’t by accepting poor behaviour, it’ll make the other person lose respect for, and interest in, you too.

Nothing whatsoever to do with being ‘the hunter’ or what set of genitalia you happen to have. We have moved past all of that, you’re actually the one bringing it to the conversation.

Hannibal_Smith

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Seasidedub - welcome to Personal Issues. Please note that gender generalisations and linking/embedding videos is not permitted here. Please take a look at the Forum Charter and familiarise yourself with the rules before posting here again.

mistress_gi

Hi OP. I'm very much in the same position as you except that i will not settle, when i see red flags i run a mile and I'm the one mostly doing the ghosting.
I've met a couple of people that started in the apps but nothing has really sparked yet.
Also i am very confident in myself. I've been in a number of bad relationships and learned from them.
At the end of the day you're better on your own than in bad company. This is important, unless you stop being afraid to be on your own, enjoying yourself by yourself or friends you'll very unlikely find what you're looking for.
Give yourself a brake, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else (and if you're wondering, yes this is 100% stolen from Rupaul )

Ella281

Daisy78 wrote: »

Maybe it’s worth taking a look at this from the perspective of the guys you are dating. For all men go on about the importance of looks, attractiveness, etc what they really want is someone who they have a connection with, someone who is a good fit for them (and of course the same goes for women). It may very well be that these men, given the lifestyle that they lead know on meeting up that you are not a good match for each other. If a guy is doing pills every Saturday night he has a fairly good idea that it probably won’t work out. And they might not intuitively get that until they meet you in person. You seem to be a woman with high (but reasonable!) expectations for your life and clear set boundaries (I’m guessing breaking the law is not something you aspire to), this probably becomes very apparent to these men when you meet up. Please don’t take this rejection and I use this term loosely as any indication of something lacking in you, it’s not. These men have done you a favour and it’s far too simplistic to think that because some guy didn’t have the good grace or manners to send you a text before a second date it’s a reflection on you. You know you have lots to offer, you just haven’t met the men (and there will be more than one out there) who appreciate you as you are. Try to stay optimistic, don’t have any expectations about dates or what might come of them, keep an open mind and heart and you will feel a lot more positive about the outcome.

That’s fair. And yeah, I wouldn’t fit into their lifestyle as I passed comments on the flaws. As an adult, I wasn’t exactly going to stay quiet over something glaringly stupid.
However, it’s the ghosting and standing up I can’t understand. And I know it’s beyond someone who is unreliable or a liar to be honest but it really seems to lay blame at my door as if I was the one who f*cked up my chances.
Is it a defense mechanism is some respects?

I’m just straight as a dye so I don’t get it and clearly I’m struggling to get my head around it.
I could never forget the fact I stood up and made a fool of someone. It’s horrible and surely you would feel guilty..
I’ve been fairly disciplined about it really. Haven’t contacted them to find out why or call them out etc although it’s so tempting to do so but he seemed so convinced by his own crap I think I’d be talking to the wall really.
I have no intention of contacting him to ask why.

H8GHOTI

Are there really THAT many alcoholics and drug addicts on dating sites? Are you unlucky or is there some other reason you tend to find them all and connect?

Have you got a type? Is there anything else these guys have in common, good qualities that made you want to interact with them in the first place? Are you ignoring guys that might actually be better suited to you?

No doubt there’s wasters out there and most people agree dating apps are a pain. However, you can’t change them. You can only change how you use them.

bottlebrush

If this has happened a lot to you what is it about each if them that drew you to them in the first place on the apps.?

Ella281

H8GHOTI wrote: »

Are there really THAT many alcoholics and drug addicts on dating sites? Are you unlucky or is there some other reason you tend to find them all and connect?

Have you got a type? Is there anything else these guys have in common, good qualities that made you want to interact with them in the first place? Are you ignoring guys that might actually be better suited to you?

No doubt there’s wasters out there and most people agree dating apps are a pain. However, you can’t change them. You can only change how you use them.

I’m not actually joking...a lot of the men who I’ve gone on dates with all have addiction problems. Which is a problem for me as I do not.
I’m extremely unlucky.
The funny thing is, they neglect to tell you all their issues until the date.
So while I think I have filtered them and they appear to be normal - they turn out to be the opposite.
I suppose they swipe on me, seem outgoing and nice, text consistently...
I don’t know if I am because I thought I was interacting with normal people until I meet them..
No I don’t have any intention of getting up on a cross and trying to change a man for the rest of my days.
Suppose my point is I’ve done the filtering to the best of my ability but I’m just being lied to and find out the truth on the date.
I’m going to join the nuns

Jimmy Bottlehead

Ella281 wrote: »

That’s fair. And yeah, I wouldn’t fit into their lifestyle as I passed comments on the flaws. As an adult, I wasn’t exactly going to stay quiet over something glaringly stupid.
However, it’s the ghosting and standing up I can’t understand. And I know it’s beyond someone who is unreliable or a liar to be honest but it really seems to lay blame at my door as if I was the one who f*cked up my chances.
Is it a defense mechanism is some respects?

I’m just straight as a dye so I don’t get it and clearly I’m struggling to get my head around it.
I could never forget the fact I stood up and made a fool of someone. It’s horrible and surely you would feel guilty..
I’ve been fairly disciplined about it really. Haven’t contacted them to find out why or call them out etc although it’s so tempting to do so but he seemed so convinced by his own crap I think I’d be talking to the wall really.
I have no intention of contacting him to ask why.

I don't think it's a defence mechanism, it seems more of an overreaction, so the question is, why does this get under your skin so much? It seems to be a huge sensitivity to rejection, perhaps from not accepting yourself in some way. But that's for you to figure out.

Someone didn't turn up for a date... It sucks, but frankly, as you realise above, they did you a favour as they don't sound like your type.

It might be an idea to give the apps (and maybe dating at all) a rest until you do some work on yourself and shore up your own self-image and esteem. Your participation in the dating world right now is the equivalent of marching into No Man's Land without a gun, helmet or armour.

Ella281

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

It seems to be a huge sensitivity to rejection.

Well, I always feel rejected by men.
Tbh I have never had a positive interaction or relationship with a man (outside of my family) that I can look back and have fond memories to which I can say I have hope for my love life cause all I’ve ever known is rejection, “you’re a lovely girl but” etc
Any man I dated over the years was full on at the start and when I returned the interest - they rejected me, hot and cold, didn’t desire me, had their eye on someone else and was with me to pass the time or was playing away with others.
I’ve never been given a chance. I have awful dating history and yet no actual relationships.

I often find myself at a loss around men..

Dog day

Ella281 wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Hi again Ella, with this further detail you’ve given I really think that you need to invest in some time to concentrate on yourself for a while. As with many issues on boards there seems to be a ‘bigger picture’ here as the thread has developed.

Counselling isn’t for everybody but you may find some value in it to talk through some of these issues. It’s deeply unhealthy to endeavour to view yourself through the lens of others all the time, equally try not to over analyse the types of people who stand you up, ghost you etc, they’re simply not worth it & sadly it’s more common place now with online dating etc. I’d advise you to completely step back from any kind of dating for the moment until you’re in a place where you can accept that a relationship shouldn’t be the main goal for a happy life.

Not to over simplify but you have to be happy with yourself first & it seems (to me at least) that you’re not at the moment. Invest in yourself, in time with family & friends (granted that’s challenging at the moment!), in hobbies etc, try to change your mindset that a relationship is the answer & key to happiness.

starrygleam11

Ella281 wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

The girl is right there is tons of MEN with drug,alcohol and sexual addictions on dating sites not even mentioning men with girlfriends and married looking for a Hook ups

Ella281

Hey guys
I’ve thought about everything you all said and want to thank you all for your advice.
I suppose the part I’m really struggling with and probably explaining badly is- In my view, the person who was into me or “mad” about me, met me, parted from the date and completely cut me off and in my last experience, stood me up and cut me off with no explanation after weeks of constant contact etc so I’m finding it hard to not conclude that I was disappointing, not what he expected, don’t look like my pictures. I never changed, I was the same person through out..

What I took from that is I must be awful, ugly and unbearable to the extreme of making my dates cut me off and don’t even consider me worthy enough to explain their stance.

As I’ve said before, I gave no reason for them to act this way. I’m not loud, overbearing, forward or confrontational where they would have to worry about my reaction. In fact, I would just part on good terms? But the fact they won’t and cut me off - this worries and upsets me.

I don’t go around saying I want a boyfriend.
While I vet silently for that, I don’t say it to them.
I also don’t mind a hook up or a bit of fun. But my point that I have been failing to get across here is lads don’t want either fun or relationship with me. This worries me as to why..

I know I come across as obsessing on here.. but 10 years of being rejected and dismissed will do that to a girl.

So I know a lot of have emphasised the importance of self confidence etc but I would consider myself confident. But i can’t help but come away from these situations feeling “I must be so unlikeable/ so bad etc” that they discarded me like a tissue etc...

I’m also more aware now in my late twenties that I cannot get past a first date these days and tbh, it upsets me since I always put my best foot forward etc.
It worries me that for the last 10 years, I cannot get anywhere with a man and that scares me.

I’m trying to be kind to myself. Really. But it is hard.

bitofabind

Ella281 wrote: »

I know I come across as obsessing on here.. but 10 years of being rejected and dismissed will do that to a girl.

Why are you looking at everything from the guy's perspective? Why do these guys' opinions and decisions and behaviour matter more than your own? When's the last time you actually said to yourself, "nah, too many red flags there, not for me", set a boundary and moved on?

You say you never outright say "I want a boyfriend", most people don't. Most of our communication is body language and demeanour and yours is screaming "I'm not enough" and "please validate me". That's your problem. You're so desperate for approval that it doesn't matter if the lad is an alcoholic or a criminal, you'll take it from anywhere. Honestly girl. This is a toxic mindset. You're a walking target with this mindset.

I'd actually compare your need for validation from men as like a drowning person trying desperately to get oxygen in their lungs. That's what it feels like to me. Like your life and happiness depends on it. Can you imagine how that kind of mindset is driving your interactions with men? I know these dating scenarios can really impact our self-esteem and self-image, but your responsibility as a grown adult woman is to own your behaviour and acknowledge when doing the same thing is giving you the same results. It's not been ten years of 'rejection', it's been ten years of putting up with unworthy men and unworthy behaviours due to your poor self-esteem and belief that some perfect male specimen is going to come along and fix all your problems.

When you can live your life and lead with your own needs as a matter of priority, you don't end up in groundhog day hot-and-cold battles with alcoholic criminals. Healthy relationships don't involve these dramatic battles where you have to fight for air time, they're just two people coming together and complementing each other's lives in a peaceful way.

I recommend three things:
1. therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. I know your instinct is to dodge this as an option, but that's the same instinct that's gotten you into the predicament you're currently in. Push through, pick up the phone and make an appointment. It will change your life, over time.
2. Read and listen to anything you can find about Attachment theory. You sound like a chronically insecurely attached woman. Start with reading Attached by Amir Levine. It's available on Audible.
3. For the love of god stop with the dating and dating apps. You are a walking wound at the moment and until you go through steps 1 and 2, it's just more pain you'll be walking into in these dating situations.

leggo

^^^^^

OP keep reading this post until you can recite it. Absolutely nailed it.

The One Doctor

Stop online dating. Simple.