Somethings wrong with me

Ella281

Hi all.
So, I’ve had a horrendous time with online dating apps.
Finding anyone I have a date with are complete wastes of space or alcoholics (I seem to keep ending up with?) and even though they are making the errors and have red flags on the date, they stand me up or ghost me as if the issues were with me.
Recently I had a first date with someone I was communicating with for a while (he lived close by and it was socially distanced before I’m ate) he seemed genuine. He wouldn’t be my usual type but he seemed nice..He was so full on at the start when texting and while he had so many red flags when I met him with things he neglected to tell me, i suggested another date which he agreed to only to be stood up and ghosted.
I feel so hurt and cannot stop picking at my appearance and what I must of done to put them off even though they were the ones who did 100 things wrong on the date and have issues.
How do I get a grip? It’s the ghosting I can’t get my head around. If these lads don’t want to see me again, just say?
I can’t get past a first date even though I have so much to offer as a potential date and girlfriend. I’m dating the wrong men but even when I recognise it, I can’t help but feel the issues are with me if I’m the one being stood up?

Thanks, Ella

bottlebrush

You need to take control here yourself. It sounds like you are seeing the red flags but ignoring them.
You suggested a date with a guy even though you already had seen 'so many red flags'. Ask yourself why you would fo that. The red flag issues were not going to go away as soon as you started dating. And as for them ghosting you they have actually done you a favour. If they hadn't it appears you would still have continued to see them only for them to likely let you down anyway further down the road when you have become more invested in them.
Maybe in future, pay attention to your instincts and YOU decide whether or not to proceed.

Ella281

bottlebrush wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

I know if a girlfriend told me this, I would say the same but when it’s me, it’s like my brain goes out the window because I want a boyfriend despite the flags. I know how ridiculous that sounds. I can’t seem to fully believe that yes the problem lies with him when they are ghosting me and standing me up. I always analyse what I must of said or done wrong. In all other areas of my life, I can be decisive and know what the answer is and logic but with dating, I struggle.

Thanks for answering btw

You need to be happy without a boyfriend.
Try to concentrate on yourself for a while & forget the dating apps.

Xterminator

Hi Ella

this is common behavior on dating apps. you need a thick skin to deal with the crap, while trying to find the good ones, in the large number of head wreckers.

You are not the problem here.

But you cannot control other people and you can only either change how you filter out potential partners to try to weed out the bad ones, or perhaps give the online scene a break for now?

Ella281

Xterminator wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Hi xterminator,
I’m completely off them now.
Thing is, I do try to filter them all but they all still end up being wasters. Like the recent disaster was like a completely different person when texting for the last while and seemed decent but when we met, he was different and afterwards, he was completely distant and ghosted. It was like whiplash - hot and cold. I know I should rise above it but I can’t help but feel I was the issue when it’s after they meet you, they cool off and change towards you, and I felt I had disappointed him even though he had the issues. It makes you self conscious..

bottlebrush

They dont necessarily have issues. It is likely they didn't feel the spark that they had hoped to feel and were unable to be honest with you so resorted to the path of least resistance I.e. ghosting.
But that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that you simply havent met the right guy for you - yet. Just think if the shoe were on the other foot - you're messaging a guy, then meet up with him and find he's not for you. Theres nothing wrong with him, he's just not for you. That's why you shouldn't give up, difficult I know in the present restrictions, but in the meantime work on your self esteem.
All the best

Ella281

bottlebrush wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

I get what you’re saying...
I don’t want to get into specifics here but they all did have major issues - drink problems, drugs, breaking the law...I call them issues or flags. Whatever.
Especially when it is hidden from me. It’s hard to filter wasters when you’re being lied to or deceived.
I understand all about the spark. Personally when you’re dating people who are in their thirties, ghosting is an immature act really. Especially when I’m not on their case or putting up a fight at all or annoying them over the phone? I was stood up. It’s humiliating.
A simple: I won’t be there, this isn’t going to work etc... is better than wondering and blaming myself?
I’m just looking for someone normal who is respectful and decent..
Sorry for going on. Just haven’t had anyone to talk this out with.

Thanks for answering

bottlebrush

You dont have any control over what these guys do or dont tell you so stop being hard on yourself.

You used the word filter. That's exactly what you have to keep doing until you meet the right guy. Dont give up because you have had these bad experiences.

iuil1999

Hi OP.

I was on dating apps for a number of years. I never had any bad encounters and enjoyed it really. My problem was that I was trying to find the perfect guy. He had to tick all of the boxes for me. I appreciate you have to have standards but mine were set unrealistically high.
Once I let my guard down a little I met the nicest man and we are together now over 2 years.

I'm not saying that that's what you're doing but maybe look at your 'filters'. I have met men who were so funny and nice while corresponding but when we met in person they were totally different. That's very annoying. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It's easy to get sucked into the texting and excitement of it and it's disappointing when it doesn't work out.

Have a think to yourself about what's important to you in a partner and go from there. It is okay to be single you know. This pandemic has made a lot of people think about loneliness and the need to meet someone but it needs to be the right one...don't just settle for someone who shows you interest.

Best of luck x

Ella281

bottlebrush wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Thanks.
Well I’m still gonna give the apps a wide berth. It’s brought me nothing but disappointment. It’s just full of serial swipers and wasters.
Not up to my standard. I don’t have unrealistic standards either btw. Just expect a date to act like an adult, be decent and kind. Asking a lot in today’s society it seems.

Ella281

iuil1999 wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Hi iuil
I think you’ve been extremely lucky.
I know what you’re saying. I’m a realistic gal. I’m not a Victoria secret model same as the Irish lads are no James bonds or George clooneys.
I am realistic and don’t expect perfection. I don’t want a man who’s rich or has to want this and that and I don’t give men ultimatums to send them running for the hills.
What gets me about these dating apps is you have absolute clowns out there in a majority who expect a woman to tick boxes and be perfect even though they themselves are wastes of space. Completely deluded like!

I would like to meet a man who is mature, decent, kind and preferably, a law abiding citizen with no addictions who do want something out of life. Not coasting along.
I am a professional, have morals and would consider myself genuine and kind although a little naive at times when it comes to dating. I would consider myself good looking and mind myself and don’t abuse myself.
I want to do life with someone. Life is hard and I don’t want to be alone. I’ve always wanted to have a family etc

It just seems so unattainable for me when nearly all the men I’ve been on dates with are disasters.. and as cliche as it sounds, all the good men are taken.

Dog day

bubblypop wrote: »

You need to be happy without a boyfriend.
Try to concentrate on yourself for a while & forget the dating apps.

Seconding this Ella, fair play to you for now deciding to take a break from the dating apps for a while.

It’s your perspective you need to work on, by working on your self esteem & inner confidence & being truly happy on your own a positive by-product of that can often mean you’ll attract more positive interactions with people. Confidence is a very attractive quality!

The very title of your thread upset me, of course there’s nothing wrong with you!

So, as others have said, in the future never ignore red flags, recognise your worth & when you do decide to re-engage online hopefully you’ll be able to spot the kind & decent people, they’re out there! Good luck

Idle Passerby

You are trying to persue something with guys you readily admit have plenty of red flags. This gives the impression your actively looking to settle. These guys, for all their flaws can probably tell your attitude towards them is "you'll do I suppose".

Who wants to go out with someone who sees them as a runner up prize, and who wants to go out with someone who thinks so little of themselves that they'll settle for someone they aren't attracted to? You aren't interested in them, yet you have nothing better to do so you'll accept them. That's not attractive.

Ella281

Idle Passerby wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

I know... I let my desire to have a boyfriend get the better of me.
I think my attitude towards myself stems from the bad experiences I’ve had and I can’t help but think it must be me.
Just to be clear I’ve never been horrible to anyone but when they have revealed something that’s unacceptable I have commented on it!
But I can see what you mean - it looks like despite them showing me their flaws it looks like I’m willing to settle - I can see what you’re saying and it’s certainly another perspective I never considered..

Dog day

Ella281 wrote: »

I know... I let my desire to have a boyfriend get the better of me.
I think my attitude towards myself stems from the bad experiences I’ve had and I can’t help but think it must be me.
Just to be clear I’ve never been horrible to anyone but when they have revealed something that’s unacceptable I have commented on it!
But I can see what you mean - it looks like despite them showing me their flaws it looks like I’m willing to settle - I can see what you’re saying and it’s certainly another perspective I never considered..

I agree that Idle passerby is definitely onto something here too Ella. In your great wish to have a boyfriend you don’t want that to translate into desperation. I mean that kindly. I think your willingness to take all the feedback from posters here in as balanced & as self-aware a way as you have speaks volumes about your character. You clearly have lots to offer & come across as a very nice person here.

As I said previously, confidence is a very attractive trait, so too is someone who has lots of interests & isn’t immediately over invested in someone they’ve just met either online or otherwise.

Enjoy taking a break from online dating, recognise your worth & when you do decide to go back to it try to just have fun, don’t over invest, don’t ignore red flags & then see where that may lead.

Batgurl

I’m probably going to be controversial here but I’ve done my fair share of swiping in my time so this is just my opinion.

Think of apps like tinder and POF as sales shopping. A lot of it is stuff nobody wants. Sure you might strike it lucky and find a gem but you usually you have to rummage through a lot of tat to get it or be willing to put a lot of time or energy into searching.

If you want to find a higher calibre of partner, you maybe need to pay full price. If you use a paid service like eharmony, you might be more likely to find people looking for the same things you are; love and a life partner instead of a hookup.

Ella281

Batgurl wrote: »

I’m probably going to be controversial here but I’ve done my fair share of swiping in my time so this is just my opinion.

Think of apps like tinder and POF as sales shopping. A lot of it is stuff nobody wants. Sure you might strike it lucky and find a gem but you usually you have to rummage through a lot of tat to get it or be willing to put a lot of time or energy into searching.

If you want to find a higher calibre of partner, you maybe need to pay full price. If you use a paid service like eharmony, you might be more likely to find people looking for the same things you are; love and a life partner instead of a hookup.

I get you and have been thinking about that too- like a paid matchmaking service..
It’s just disheartening when you have girlfriends who have had such great luck on tinder and bumble - they’ve gotten long term relationships out of it and here I am- can barely get a first date and when I do, that’s it. Can’t help but feel there’s something wrong with me when others have success..
It just makes you so self conscious and critical. I should of walked away and cut the date short but I kept giving the benefit of the doubt and now I look like the fool..
Definitely staying off the apps!!

Goodigal

Ella, you sound lovely but you know you're accepting dates with guys that already have red flags. So discard those lads before you even think about meeting them again. I'm looking for kind men at this stage on the apps! The lads that say they're great craic, I give them a miss. I'm chatting to two nice guys at the moment, both just for a chat and a check in. Don't think it's all about looks. People connect over different things. Protect yourself and yoir self confidence and give yourself a break.

LilacNails

I don't do dating apps anymore. I find there a minefield. It allows people to be fake, it passes away time for them, gives their egos a stroke. From my experience 99 percent of the people on it, are not looking for love/relationships.

I've been on off many times throughout the years and don't miss it one bit. I want to meet someone face to face, get a real sense of who they are in person... Be able to read them more easily! I can't do or get any of that online!

I'm all for meeting someone through hobbies or friend of a friend. That's how I met my last 2 ex's. You learn and discover a lot more of them through these connections.

I also what to add you sound just like in, in terms that u don't listen to ur own advice. I will say it comes down to having more self respect for yourself, in that I deserve better and have higher standards than to settle with anyone just for the sake of it.

There really are so many guys out there and a good chance one of them will tick all the boxes for us. I know a good few people in my life, in fact their ones I look up to in a way, they met there "one" In their mid late 30s, some 40s. It goes to show its worth not just settling for any person. Knowing your own worth, what u want and deserve is really what gets u over this and on the right path to meet the right person.

Ps there's nothing at all wrong with u, it's just dating nowadays is more complicated than it ever was before.

Dog day

Ella, just to add I’d advise against investing any money in match making services at the moment.

Firstly work on your self-esteem & if you do decide to go down the payment route please heavily research any you do decide to sign up to. There are Irish companies for example with far more women on their books than men, I know this for a fact & have seen female friends who felt they wasted both their money & time on these services. Just proceed with caution

Ella281

Dog day wrote: »

Ella, just to add I’d advise against investing any money in match making services at the moment.

Firstly work on your self-esteem & if you do decide to go down the payment route please heavily research any you do decide to sign up to. There are Irish companies for example with far more women on their books than men, I know this for a fact & have seen female friends who felt they wasted both their money & time on these services. Just proceed with caution

Oh ya. 100% agree. Bad timing at the minute.
It’s something to think about in the future if my bad luck continues.

Just kicking myself I took a chance on someone who wasn’t worthy of it...

sasta le

Whats your box you terms of a job and education?

bitofabind

Ella281 wrote: »

I know if a girlfriend told me this, I would say the same but when it’s me, it’s like my brain goes out the window because I want a boyfriend despite the flags. I know how ridiculous that sounds. I can’t seem to fully believe that yes the problem lies with him when they are ghosting me and standing me up. I always analyse what I must of said or done wrong. In all other areas of my life, I can be decisive and know what the answer is and logic but with dating, I struggle.

Thanks for answering btw

Work on your self-esteem as a matter of priority. Work on the things you can do to be the best friend to yourself you can possibly be. This is the greatest armour you can have in life, because once you have that self-worth in place, you don't do counter-productive things that make you feel bad about yourself.

Like asking for second dates from men with glaring red flags. If you're looking for a sh1tty experience to dent your self-esteem, bob's your uncle. Why do you need validation from a man who clearly is unreliable, or a liar, or an addict, or whatever? That's absolutely bonkers.

Another bonus of having a good sense of self-confidence is that you can see how much more important it is to be happy and well cared for by yourself, than it is to be with the wrong man. It kills the "need a boyfriend, any boyfriend will do" mentality. Being in scarcity mode about men and thinking "all the good men are gone" and "he's a fcuking idiot but I guess he'll do" is just going to lead to more bad choices, more men that aren't a fit, more crap dating experiences etc.

Building your self-esteem is a process that definitely doesn't happen overnight, but you can start with some healthy habits like daily exercise, reading and podcasts on the subject (can recommend anything Brene Brown, Dear Sugars / Changeable podcasts), therapy if you can afford it (this is the biggest game changer tbh) and things like journalling and yoga that help with your anxiety.

A combination of some of these things has helped me personally to go from that scarcity mindset you have, to being able to recognise when someone just isn't a fit and walking away from it without it being some sort of assault on my self-identity. And quite frankly, from recognising a clown when I see one.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Similar to what someone above said, online dating is like going to a car boot sale - lots available that is worthless or uninteresting to you, a decent share that's worth a look and of that, a few worth a purchase.

The poster above saying 99% of people on dating apps aren't there for love or relationships - that's simply something you're telling yourself to make yourself make feel better. It's dependent on age of course, and arguably some gender differences, but by and large, most people want to find someone they like.

OP, you definitely need to spend some times alone and figuring out who you are and what you want from a partner. Your desire to have 'any' boyfriend of course will lead you to crap dates with poor quality men, who will pick up on your desperation and willingness to settle and either (rightly) run for the hills, or they may take advantage.
Work on yourself, grow to accept, love and treasure yourself, and don't accept anybody just because you feel it's better than nobody.

I've said it before, but online dating is a numbers game. You are statistically more likely to find and meet a great match, the more you
:

A) Put yourself out there and take a chance
Find out what you are and are not attracted to, through meeting new dates
C) Develop your skill of discerning who is and is not a good prospective match
D) Develop a thicker skin and realise the statistical game you're playing

As for meeting up with a lot of heavy drinkers... Why not switch to a coffee date instead? If someone can't hack meeting a new person without drinking, that tells you something. It's useful data.

The post directly above mine is excellent, some great points in there.

Porklife

I completely understand how you feel OP. I have been on so many bad dates and have also been ghosted countless times and stood up. Being stood up is the absolute worst. I will never forget sitting in the pub all dolled up waiting for the guy and the humiliating sinking feeling in my tummy when I realized he wasn't coming.
Thing is, it's happened to everyone I know too both my male friends and female friends. I have friends in Berlin, friends in Australia, friends in their 30s, friends in their 40s, beautiful friends, average looking friends and we have all been ghosted!!
We all exchange dating disaster stories and the stories range from mad to really funny. I had a guy hand me his phone while he went for a cigarette and said this will keep you entertained while I'm gone. There was porn playing on his phone!
One of my male friends was left sitting in a pub for an hour while the girl pretended she was five minutes away and stuck in traffic. She never showed up.
My point is there is nothing wrong with you. This is unfortunately the way modern dating has become.
Ignoring red flags is something to work on though. Again, I completely understand as I used to do it too but it will never lead you anywhere good and you deserve true love and happiness.
For the record you sound lovely but maybe take a hiatus for a while. I ended up meeting an amazing guy online so there are hidden gems on there. It's the age old adage that you have to kiss alot of frogs to find your prince!

Ella281

Some great advice here and he probably did me a favour standing me up.
But it still hurts. I turned up for him for the first date, seen him waiting eagerly and the relief on his face when he seen me... then he lets me standing around wondering what happened on the second. Disheartening. I could never hurt someone like that..

teacherspet

I would like to meet a man who is mature, decent, kind and preferably, a law abiding citizen with no addictions who do want something out of life. Not coasting along.
I am a professional, have morals and would consider myself genuine and kind although a little naive at times when it comes to dating. I would consider myself good looking and mind myself and don’t abuse myself.
I want to do life with someone. Life is hard and I don’t want to be alone. I’ve always wanted to have a family

Put that in your dating profile.

Big Bag of Chips

The red flags that you are noticing during the first date are telling you that these lads aren't goint to be reliable or 100% trustworthy. All they are doing is proving you right when they then turn out to be unreliable.

It's a tough world out there, but don't be a people pleaser. Don't be afraid to decline a second date if you have been put off by quite a bit on the first. Your time is as precious as their's and if you don't want to waste it with a messer trying to figure him out then say a polite "thanks, but no thanks". There will be other fellas. And you're more likely to find a good one if you don't waste time arranging followup dates with fellas that you're not completely comfortable with.

leggo

Different perspective time. You’ve got a lot of great advice so, even though I’m going to say some different stuff, I’m saying add it to the pile and see what works for you rather than disregard theirs and listen to mine.

So I’ve lost interest in a fair few people and just stopped texting (never stood anyone up for the record). Now if I’ve met them, I’ll tend to give them respect and be honest, but if not then I don’t really owe them anything and won’t think much about it. I’m not a horrible person, if they ask outright I’ll tell them, but these people aren’t real to me until we’ve met and connected. Why did I not text? Well it’s intense to do so for a start, you’re rejecting a person who’s most often done nothing wrong and don’t want to hurt them. The person may argue with you or make you unsure of your decision despite you being very sure (in much the same way you ignore red flags). Maybe I don’t even know why I’ve lost interest. Most often it’s not even a conscious effort to stop texting, I just don’t wanna do it right there and then, then that becomes a day, a week, forever.

The reality is though that in hindsight I can always see clearer and generally I’ve picked up on something that made it not a good fit for me. You can get a lot from someone even by just texting, even if you’re just picking it up subsconsciously: how often they text, if they write big paragraphs, if they start to imagine a future with you before you’ve met, if they get annoyed if you don’t reply quickly enough etc.

In your case OP, you readily admit you’re looking for a boyfriend and you’re willing to forego huge red flags to get one. That can translate to a person. It can come across as intense and like you don’t value yourself highly. And nothing will make me not text back quicker than knowing that, whenever I text, the person will be waiting by the phone and be happy to just hear from me. I need to respect someone to invest, and the easiest way to get respect in others is to show respect for yourself, set standards and expectations and don’t settle for less. I’m not saying you don’t respect yourself in general, but when you settle for less with these guys, on some level they probably realise it and that’s where their interest goes.

Everything good you say about yourself is probably true. This stuff has nothing to do with physical attractiveness or what you bring to the table with a partner. But it matters. The good news is that it’s probably an easier fix than if you weren’t attractive. Just realise and believe all of this stuff about yourself. Prioritise it ahead of having a boyfriend and stick to your standards for happiness. People can read that too and they respond really well to it. Do that and I’d say it’ll be like you’re living on a different planet.

Daisy78

Maybe it’s worth taking a look at this from the perspective of the guys you are dating. For all men go on about the importance of looks, attractiveness, etc what they really want is someone who they have a connection with, someone who is a good fit for them (and of course the same goes for women). It may very well be that these men, given the lifestyle that they lead know on meeting up that you are not a good match for each other. If a guy is doing pills every Saturday night he has a fairly good idea that it probably won’t work out. And they might not intuitively get that until they meet you in person. You seem to be a woman with high (but reasonable!) expectations for your life and clear set boundaries (I’m guessing breaking the law is not something you aspire to), this probably becomes very apparent to these men when you meet up. Please don’t take this rejection and I use this term loosely as any indication of something lacking in you, it’s not. These men have done you a favour and it’s far too simplistic to think that because some guy didn’t have the good grace or manners to send you a text before a second date it’s a reflection on you. You know you have lots to offer, you just haven’t met the men (and there will be more than one out there) who appreciate you as you are. Try to stay optimistic, don’t have any expectations about dates or what might come of them, keep an open mind and heart and you will feel a lot more positive about the outcome.

seasidedub

I'm sorry for the troubles you seem to be having. Just in general, be aware that online dating is a minefield. You really have to sift through all the fake profiles, time wasters, head wreckers and plain weirdos. You will likely need to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.

In a social setting like a pub etc. in terms of old school dating, apart from the fact that it was more organic and you could see, hear, even smell the person while chatting to them or eyeing them up - there was also the possibility for your radar to kick in much more easily and accurately, you sort of got a feel for someone. Online it is harder.

There really are a lot of time wasters out there who have no interest in a relationship or even dating but just want to test the waters, some may be in relationships and just swiping around to see what else is out there. Do Google searches on photos, check people out as much as you can - you would be amazed at how many fake profiles are out there and if you find them, just delete and don't engage. You may have to go on endless rounds of meet-ups and it can be soul-destroying. Then, you might start chatting or meet up with someone who seems like they could be a real prospect and they start texting only sporadically or ghost you or whatever. But people do meet up with genuine people and you just have to persevere. Good luck.

seasidedub

This....

"And nothing will make me not text back quicker than knowing that, whenever I text, the person will be waiting by the phone and be happy to just hear from me."

It seems that even online, men will sniff out anyone they deem to be desperate and run a mile, even if the pictures are amazing. Even the online world can't seem to get over the generalisation that men want to be the hunter. You'd think we'd be over all that but..............

seasidedub

Anyway point being, a lot of the time, someone is just not that into you. End of. I "met" someone online, a lot of texting, chatting, and yeah - I did the classic thing of tending to be available when he had the time or interest in chatting because I felt (stupidly) a "connection", and then he just kind of stopped, just a few words here and there and no real interest in actually meeting up. This clip, while it is more about when you actually meet someone and you want more of them, but they make excuses - it still resonates a bit. The online guy just wasn't that into me.

leggo

seasidedub wrote: »

This....

"And nothing will make me not text back quicker than knowing that, whenever I text, the person will be waiting by the phone and be happy to just hear from me."

It seems that even online, men will sniff out anyone they deem to be desperate and run a mile, even if the pictures are amazing. Even the online world can't seem to get over the generalisation that men want to be the hunter. You'd think we'd be over all that but..............

This isn’t a gendered debate. Women are just as likely to be put off stuff like over-eagerness or investment too. A healthy relationship is about two people who connect with and respect each other, and part of that comes from having respect for yourself and demonstrating that through your behaviour. If you show that you don’t by accepting poor behaviour, it’ll make the other person lose respect for, and interest in, you too.

Nothing whatsoever to do with being ‘the hunter’ or what set of genitalia you happen to have. We have moved past all of that, you’re actually the one bringing it to the conversation.

Hannibal_Smith

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Seasidedub - welcome to Personal Issues. Please note that gender generalisations and linking/embedding videos is not permitted here. Please take a look at the Forum Charter and familiarise yourself with the rules before posting here again.

mistress_gi

Hi OP. I'm very much in the same position as you except that i will not settle, when i see red flags i run a mile and I'm the one mostly doing the ghosting.
I've met a couple of people that started in the apps but nothing has really sparked yet.
Also i am very confident in myself. I've been in a number of bad relationships and learned from them.
At the end of the day you're better on your own than in bad company. This is important, unless you stop being afraid to be on your own, enjoying yourself by yourself or friends you'll very unlikely find what you're looking for.
Give yourself a brake, if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else (and if you're wondering, yes this is 100% stolen from Rupaul )

Ella281

Daisy78 wrote: »

Maybe it’s worth taking a look at this from the perspective of the guys you are dating. For all men go on about the importance of looks, attractiveness, etc what they really want is someone who they have a connection with, someone who is a good fit for them (and of course the same goes for women). It may very well be that these men, given the lifestyle that they lead know on meeting up that you are not a good match for each other. If a guy is doing pills every Saturday night he has a fairly good idea that it probably won’t work out. And they might not intuitively get that until they meet you in person. You seem to be a woman with high (but reasonable!) expectations for your life and clear set boundaries (I’m guessing breaking the law is not something you aspire to), this probably becomes very apparent to these men when you meet up. Please don’t take this rejection and I use this term loosely as any indication of something lacking in you, it’s not. These men have done you a favour and it’s far too simplistic to think that because some guy didn’t have the good grace or manners to send you a text before a second date it’s a reflection on you. You know you have lots to offer, you just haven’t met the men (and there will be more than one out there) who appreciate you as you are. Try to stay optimistic, don’t have any expectations about dates or what might come of them, keep an open mind and heart and you will feel a lot more positive about the outcome.

That’s fair. And yeah, I wouldn’t fit into their lifestyle as I passed comments on the flaws. As an adult, I wasn’t exactly going to stay quiet over something glaringly stupid.
However, it’s the ghosting and standing up I can’t understand. And I know it’s beyond someone who is unreliable or a liar to be honest but it really seems to lay blame at my door as if I was the one who f*cked up my chances.
Is it a defense mechanism is some respects?

I’m just straight as a dye so I don’t get it and clearly I’m struggling to get my head around it.
I could never forget the fact I stood up and made a fool of someone. It’s horrible and surely you would feel guilty..
I’ve been fairly disciplined about it really. Haven’t contacted them to find out why or call them out etc although it’s so tempting to do so but he seemed so convinced by his own crap I think I’d be talking to the wall really.
I have no intention of contacting him to ask why.

H8GHOTI

Are there really THAT many alcoholics and drug addicts on dating sites? Are you unlucky or is there some other reason you tend to find them all and connect?

Have you got a type? Is there anything else these guys have in common, good qualities that made you want to interact with them in the first place? Are you ignoring guys that might actually be better suited to you?

No doubt there’s wasters out there and most people agree dating apps are a pain. However, you can’t change them. You can only change how you use them.

bottlebrush

If this has happened a lot to you what is it about each if them that drew you to them in the first place on the apps.?

Ella281

H8GHOTI wrote: »

Are there really THAT many alcoholics and drug addicts on dating sites? Are you unlucky or is there some other reason you tend to find them all and connect?

Have you got a type? Is there anything else these guys have in common, good qualities that made you want to interact with them in the first place? Are you ignoring guys that might actually be better suited to you?

No doubt there’s wasters out there and most people agree dating apps are a pain. However, you can’t change them. You can only change how you use them.

I’m not actually joking...a lot of the men who I’ve gone on dates with all have addiction problems. Which is a problem for me as I do not.
I’m extremely unlucky.
The funny thing is, they neglect to tell you all their issues until the date.
So while I think I have filtered them and they appear to be normal - they turn out to be the opposite.
I suppose they swipe on me, seem outgoing and nice, text consistently...
I don’t know if I am because I thought I was interacting with normal people until I meet them..
No I don’t have any intention of getting up on a cross and trying to change a man for the rest of my days.
Suppose my point is I’ve done the filtering to the best of my ability but I’m just being lied to and find out the truth on the date.
I’m going to join the nuns

Jimmy Bottlehead

Ella281 wrote: »

That’s fair. And yeah, I wouldn’t fit into their lifestyle as I passed comments on the flaws. As an adult, I wasn’t exactly going to stay quiet over something glaringly stupid.
However, it’s the ghosting and standing up I can’t understand. And I know it’s beyond someone who is unreliable or a liar to be honest but it really seems to lay blame at my door as if I was the one who f*cked up my chances.
Is it a defense mechanism is some respects?

I’m just straight as a dye so I don’t get it and clearly I’m struggling to get my head around it.
I could never forget the fact I stood up and made a fool of someone. It’s horrible and surely you would feel guilty..
I’ve been fairly disciplined about it really. Haven’t contacted them to find out why or call them out etc although it’s so tempting to do so but he seemed so convinced by his own crap I think I’d be talking to the wall really.
I have no intention of contacting him to ask why.

I don't think it's a defence mechanism, it seems more of an overreaction, so the question is, why does this get under your skin so much? It seems to be a huge sensitivity to rejection, perhaps from not accepting yourself in some way. But that's for you to figure out.

Someone didn't turn up for a date... It sucks, but frankly, as you realise above, they did you a favour as they don't sound like your type.

It might be an idea to give the apps (and maybe dating at all) a rest until you do some work on yourself and shore up your own self-image and esteem. Your participation in the dating world right now is the equivalent of marching into No Man's Land without a gun, helmet or armour.

Ella281

Jimmy Bottlehead wrote: »

It seems to be a huge sensitivity to rejection.

Well, I always feel rejected by men.
Tbh I have never had a positive interaction or relationship with a man (outside of my family) that I can look back and have fond memories to which I can say I have hope for my love life cause all I’ve ever known is rejection, “you’re a lovely girl but” etc
Any man I dated over the years was full on at the start and when I returned the interest - they rejected me, hot and cold, didn’t desire me, had their eye on someone else and was with me to pass the time or was playing away with others.
I’ve never been given a chance. I have awful dating history and yet no actual relationships.

I often find myself at a loss around men..

Dog day

Ella281 wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

Hi again Ella, with this further detail you’ve given I really think that you need to invest in some time to concentrate on yourself for a while. As with many issues on boards there seems to be a ‘bigger picture’ here as the thread has developed.

Counselling isn’t for everybody but you may find some value in it to talk through some of these issues. It’s deeply unhealthy to endeavour to view yourself through the lens of others all the time, equally try not to over analyse the types of people who stand you up, ghost you etc, they’re simply not worth it & sadly it’s more common place now with online dating etc. I’d advise you to completely step back from any kind of dating for the moment until you’re in a place where you can accept that a relationship shouldn’t be the main goal for a happy life.

Not to over simplify but you have to be happy with yourself first & it seems (to me at least) that you’re not at the moment. Invest in yourself, in time with family & friends (granted that’s challenging at the moment!), in hobbies etc, try to change your mindset that a relationship is the answer & key to happiness.

starrygleam11

Ella281 wrote: »

<Snip> There is no need to quote the full post.

The girl is right there is tons of MEN with drug,alcohol and sexual addictions on dating sites not even mentioning men with girlfriends and married looking for a Hook ups

Ella281

Hey guys
I’ve thought about everything you all said and want to thank you all for your advice.
I suppose the part I’m really struggling with and probably explaining badly is- In my view, the person who was into me or “mad” about me, met me, parted from the date and completely cut me off and in my last experience, stood me up and cut me off with no explanation after weeks of constant contact etc so I’m finding it hard to not conclude that I was disappointing, not what he expected, don’t look like my pictures. I never changed, I was the same person through out..

What I took from that is I must be awful, ugly and unbearable to the extreme of making my dates cut me off and don’t even consider me worthy enough to explain their stance.

As I’ve said before, I gave no reason for them to act this way. I’m not loud, overbearing, forward or confrontational where they would have to worry about my reaction. In fact, I would just part on good terms? But the fact they won’t and cut me off - this worries and upsets me.

I don’t go around saying I want a boyfriend.
While I vet silently for that, I don’t say it to them.
I also don’t mind a hook up or a bit of fun. But my point that I have been failing to get across here is lads don’t want either fun or relationship with me. This worries me as to why..

I know I come across as obsessing on here.. but 10 years of being rejected and dismissed will do that to a girl.

So I know a lot of have emphasised the importance of self confidence etc but I would consider myself confident. But i can’t help but come away from these situations feeling “I must be so unlikeable/ so bad etc” that they discarded me like a tissue etc...

I’m also more aware now in my late twenties that I cannot get past a first date these days and tbh, it upsets me since I always put my best foot forward etc.
It worries me that for the last 10 years, I cannot get anywhere with a man and that scares me.

I’m trying to be kind to myself. Really. But it is hard.

bitofabind

Ella281 wrote: »

I know I come across as obsessing on here.. but 10 years of being rejected and dismissed will do that to a girl.

Why are you looking at everything from the guy's perspective? Why do these guys' opinions and decisions and behaviour matter more than your own? When's the last time you actually said to yourself, "nah, too many red flags there, not for me", set a boundary and moved on?

You say you never outright say "I want a boyfriend", most people don't. Most of our communication is body language and demeanour and yours is screaming "I'm not enough" and "please validate me". That's your problem. You're so desperate for approval that it doesn't matter if the lad is an alcoholic or a criminal, you'll take it from anywhere. Honestly girl. This is a toxic mindset. You're a walking target with this mindset.

I'd actually compare your need for validation from men as like a drowning person trying desperately to get oxygen in their lungs. That's what it feels like to me. Like your life and happiness depends on it. Can you imagine how that kind of mindset is driving your interactions with men? I know these dating scenarios can really impact our self-esteem and self-image, but your responsibility as a grown adult woman is to own your behaviour and acknowledge when doing the same thing is giving you the same results. It's not been ten years of 'rejection', it's been ten years of putting up with unworthy men and unworthy behaviours due to your poor self-esteem and belief that some perfect male specimen is going to come along and fix all your problems.

When you can live your life and lead with your own needs as a matter of priority, you don't end up in groundhog day hot-and-cold battles with alcoholic criminals. Healthy relationships don't involve these dramatic battles where you have to fight for air time, they're just two people coming together and complementing each other's lives in a peaceful way.

I recommend three things:
1. therapy. Therapy therapy therapy. I know your instinct is to dodge this as an option, but that's the same instinct that's gotten you into the predicament you're currently in. Push through, pick up the phone and make an appointment. It will change your life, over time.
2. Read and listen to anything you can find about Attachment theory. You sound like a chronically insecurely attached woman. Start with reading Attached by Amir Levine. It's available on Audible.
3. For the love of god stop with the dating and dating apps. You are a walking wound at the moment and until you go through steps 1 and 2, it's just more pain you'll be walking into in these dating situations.

leggo

^^^^^

OP keep reading this post until you can recite it. Absolutely nailed it.

The One Doctor

Stop online dating. Simple.