The elders - a megathread

Questions555

I’m sure I’m not the only one with this problem at the moment

My brother and I have tried explaining the seriousness of this but they’re continuing as normal. Going to Tescos, post office and still allowing all their grandkids near them

If you’re in the same boat, what have you said or done that’s got through to them?

Both parents are mid 60s and the father’s health has been ropey for years

Thanks

punisher5112

If they insist on continuing as they are, try and get them to wash more often as in hands, get those visiting to do the same but then the other parents should be restricting this anyway.


They haven't shut the pubs for the craic, it's getting serious and honestly I thought that would be last resort stuff as the revenue is huge....

Get them sanitizer if possible and get them to use it and keep surfaces clean. Door handles etc.

Hoboo

How are their grandkids getting near them without the help of you or your siblings?

FTA69

Point out they won’t get to see the grandchildren when they’re f*cking dead. Who are the parents of the grandchildren can you reach out to them?

If people want to be wilfully blind to it there’s not a huge amount you can do bar getting them to wash their hands regularly but I wouldn’t enable them either.

Questions555

They live for their grandkids. They refuse to nor be around them. None of the grandkids are mine

Looking for practical advice from those in the same boat for the rest of the replies here

Not typical Boards thanks whoring

Cheers

jay1988

Questions555 wrote: »

They live for their grandkids. They refuse to nor be around them. None of the grandkids are mine

Looking for practical advice from those in the same boat for the rest of the replies here

Not typical Boards thanks whoring

Cheers

What exactly do you expect? You're getting practical answers, it's simple, tell your siblings to keep their kids out of the house or there is a chance they will be minus one or both grandparents before this is all over because of their actions.

Collie D

Questions555 wrote: »

They live for their grandkids. They refuse to nor be around them. None of the grandkids are mine

Looking for practical advice from those in the same boat for the rest of the replies here

Not typical Boards thanks whoring

Cheers

You won't get more practical advice than keeping kids away from anyone who insists on being in large gatherings. Hardly thanks whoring.

ax530

It is hard ! I've kept my kids away from parents they disappointed that others 'thinking' of cancelling a planned visit.
They claim to be very good isolating .... Only going for walks keeping distance, the shops ( seems to be more than once a day) and god knows what else. They really think they going a great job even when I explain how it should be done and suggest my husband can drop messages if they stuck always say have loads next thing they heading out to shop agh

BarryD2

Tough one, I expect the message will not really sink in till/ if others nearby start taking ill and get into difficulty. Maybe getting late then but I suppose better late than never.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

You can only save yourself in these situations

Jim_Hodge

I feel your pain OP and that of your parents. We are 61 and 59 with 5 grandchildren who are the light of our lives. Part of me says we shouldn't see them for a few weeks but it's heart breaking to do so. My wife maintains that we're young enough and have no health issues whatsoever so aren't a high risk. Couples with ours being a small circle of family, who are all being extremely careful and avoiding social contact, she feels we'll be fine. But a lot of this could be just trying to justify seeing the kids.

FTA69

Questions555 wrote: »

They live for their grandkids. They refuse to nor be around them. None of the grandkids are mine

Looking for practical advice from those in the same boat for the rest of the replies here

Not typical Boards thanks whoring

Cheers

It’s not thanks whoring. Speak to your siblings and tell them that children are vectors for the disease and could do your father in particular fatal damage. They have a role to play here too; sometimes having difficult conversations with or standing up to one’s parents is hard but it must be done.

You can’t lock your grandparents up but you can tell them you’re worried about them and spell out the risk. Your siblings can refuse to bring the children around.

If neither party is willing to consider that then all the advice on a message forum isn’t going to do anything for you I’m afraid. I’m ferociously worried about my own grandparents myself. It’s a tough situation.

heldel00

My parents-in-law made a beeline for the local yesterday when they heard pubs were being asked to close.
And I'm the bad guy because I told them not to call over earlier today!
I had to meet my own mother today with something and she waved at the children from outside car window. They were bawling to get to her. Was heartbreaking

ax530

The Italian video of newspapers with death notices is what I think they might take notice off but I'm not visiting them to show it ...

VinLieger

ax530 wrote: »

The Italian video of newspapers with death notices is what I think they might take notice off but I'm not visiting them to show it ...

If this doesnt do it nothing will

https://twitter.com/acirne/status/1238794673906421761?s=19

Ally Dick

Lockdown is the only solution

Tordelback

I am now in the position of aggressively yelling down the phone twice a day at my elderly parents, threatening them with a horrible lonely death and a burial pit to follow. It's not nice. At all.

This morning we did a big shop for them (as despite warning them over a month ago to get in longlife essentials, and dropping in perishables every other day, it turned out they had absolutely nothing in the house), only to discover they went out to the Bank, and then to get pet food straight after.

It's a constant, deeply upsetting battle, treating much-loved parents like bold children, and bullying and scaring them like some vicious ****head. But it has to be done.

Raconteuse

What is up with this crisis bringing out accusations of thanks whoring, taking the moral high ground for the sake of it, virtue signalling, all those kinds of inanities.

Set up Skype. My parents are doing it for chatting to the grandchildren. It's a small price to pay.

My take is that they are adults and responsible for themselves. You can alert them to the dangers but after that it's up to themselves. By all means keep your kids away from them if you have any but after that .... they make their bed (or grave) so they have to lie in it.

All the supermarkets are packed with old people on the few occasions I ventured out. Not keeping a 2 metre distance or washing their hands either I bet.

And by the way people are losing their jobs and businesses to protect people like these. Pretty pathetic and every bit as bad as those idiots in Temple Bar if you ask me.

edit_me

Wait till they figure out that some bookies (Boyle) closing shops for two weeks.... No pubs, no gambling - definitely end of the world.

krissovo

My dad is 78 and in London, he has 7 different allotments around North London and travels to each one on public transport Everyday to prep for spring. He is a ex farmer from Kerry and the most stubborn man alive. He then heads to a betting shop and has his dinner in a Weatherspoons each day where he boasts about his medical history (heart, circulation etc) with his mates who are all between 65 and 85.

No interest in the virus or lockdown at all.

Corca Baiscinn

Questions555 wrote: »

I’m sure I’m not the only one with this problem at the moment

My brother and I have tried explaining the seriousness of this but they’re continuing as normal. Going to Tescos, post office and still allowing all their grandkids near them

If you’re in the same boat, what have you said or done that’s got through to them?

Both parents are mid 60s and the father’s health has been ropey for years

Thanks

In yesterday's Observer a doctor is writing re same problem. Not sure if it's any help to you. Another Boards thread today was started by a poster whose young adult daughter still wants to visit her friends even though the parent has had a recent heart infection so there's a stubbornness across the generations. Think I headr on radio this eve that the President of UL has written to students telling them to stay-apart. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/mar/13/elderly-relatives-coronavirus-advice

Is there anybody in public life your parents respect that they'd listen to? Sadly as long as it's "other people" who are affected and a so far low rate of fatalities it's hard to convince people to change their habits. Good Luck OP! Your parents seem to see you as a killjoy right now but they should be proud of having reared a thoughtful son/daughter.

Corca Baiscinn

Deleted User wrote: »

All the supermarkets are packed with old people on the few occasions I ventured out. Not keeping a 2 metre distance or washing their hands either I bet.

And by the way people are losing their jobs and businesses to protect people like these. Pretty pathetic and every bit as bad as those idiots in Temple Bar if you ask me.

When you put it that way it's hard to disagree, is it 40,000 or so people out of work now? But you can't know re the hand-washing tbh.

From tomorrow, some supermarkets are having special times for older or at risk individuals. Hope the ones who should be staying at home stay there and dont see it as an invitation to head out!

dashdoll

I'm literally at my wits end with this. Both parents are in their late 60s and Dad hasnt had the best of health over the years. Mom is very vigilent and has been sanitising anything she can for weeks and generally being cautious but it's probably wasted due to my Dad's behaviour. Dad on the other hand went to the pub last night for his few pints before it closed where I was told they all sat as normal, went off to get the paper this morning as usual, went to the pharmacy and chatted to everyone there today while waiting half an hour as it was so busy. Then just to top it all off, he called into the bookies on the way home to collect a bet from Cheltenham last week. To be honest he probably had to be told to wash his hands after all this. It is beyond infuriating and reckless! It's almost like certain people will not listen until they are sick in hospital.

Corca Baiscinn

krissovo wrote: »

My dad is 78 and in London, he has 7 different allotments around North London and travels to each one on public transport Everyday to prep for spring. He is a ex farmer from Kerry and the most stubborn man alive. He then heads to a betting shop and has his dinner in a Weatherspoons each day where he boasts about his medical history (heart, circulation etc) with his mates who are all between 65 and 85.

No interest in the virus or lockdown at all.

If North London ends up with food shortages later in the year your Dad will be a popular man! He must have great energy to manage 7 allotments. He sounds like he'll come out of it alright but can't see him taking kindly to Boris's promise this evening to "shield" the elderly for 12 weeks!

secman

Funny the shoe on the other foot now...we were blue in the face warning ye about dangers of alcohol, drugs, the circles you were hangung out in....ye knew everything..we knew nada.. circle of life my friends...:)

Darc19

Mid 60s is not elderly, but they need to take care especially if one of them is not fully healthy.

The number with the virus is still small here, but that will change fairly quickly.

Set up Skype/FaceTime for grandkids to interact.

Give them guidelines on shopping,

Get them to read the hse advice

But at the end of the day, they are responsible adults and have to make their own decisions

lurker2000

My mother is the same. I took time out of work on 'panic Thursday' to do her shopping and keep her safe at home and she phoned me the next day to say she had gone down to the local shopping mall for her pension. I nearly blew my gasket. 'What would I be doing cooped up all day' she said, this was after one day !

I told her that we are shutting businesses down and experiencing hardships for people like her and she needs to act responsible. My MIL has the attitude that if she goes, she goes - although she is a bit better in observing the restrictions.

I say fine, take your chances but if and when you are struck down, it would be immoral to go to A&E where the health workers will be knee deep dealing with those poor souls who tried their best to stay safe but got caught.

PS I read somewhere that in the event too many are dying, the government will issue an order for immediate cremation with no family present. Told my mom this and thing it sunk in a bit more.

PurpleHaze20

You need to tell the siblings to keep kids away
Explain to the old pair to make sure and stay a good distance away from ppl if they are out.

My Dad in his 70s now washes hands and face on returning from the one trip to the town - this was achieved by being extremely dramatic about him infecting my mum.

But he is of the view in his words “I have had a grand life, twill be grand”

4068ac1elhodqr

It will be easier in a few weeks, many states are considering a ban on anyone who looks old or infirm pounding the streets.
The general guideline is around 70, the uk are considering this action (towards the weekend) with 1k fines, or even arrest (but unlikely) as part of their Phase3/4.

They've got 10k troops on stanby, but most of that is for nhs support (likely the same plans exist for most euro states), and occasional enforcements (city areas only)
If they're marching streets, wearing masks, it'll put the jeepers on older folks slowing down queues in shops.
Shops should however start to allow {only} old follks 10am-12noon, only.

A quicker method would be to hand them a brochure on one of those cremation houses, as if it gets worse
then normal burials will cease due to risks.. The reality of such an end process does not sit well with traditional folks.

Remind them it's only until Summertime, then things will get back to normal(-ish).

theunforgiven

I rang my parents the other day. Told them I'll see them when this is over.
I live 100 miles away, they dote on the grandkids but they understand the risks.
I feel it's the right decision and I'll video call them every few days so we can all check in and chat.

expectationlost

Questions555 wrote: »

I’m sure I’m not the only one with this problem at the moment

My brother and I have tried explaining the seriousness of this but they’re continuing as normal. Going to Tescos, post office and still allowing all their grandkids near them

If you’re in the same boat, what have you said or done that’s got through to them?

Both parents are mid 60s and the father’s health has been ropey for years

Thanks

even older ppl havn't been told not to shop https://www2.hse.ie/conditions/coronavirus/at-risk-groups.html

dartboardio

Struggling with this atm with my own grandparents, they are in Gran Canaries in Spain at the moment and flying home Thursday (one of the highest affected places in Europe)

and keep laughing off our warnings/videos on the whatsapp group and saying ' ah it's not too bad, it's worse in Ireland'

I suppose all we can do is keep showing them the warnings/news/statistics, as you cannot deny the numbers going up.

They'll get a shock when they come home Thursday and nowhere is open.

Airyfairy12

Both my parents are in their 60's, my mother has COPD and another Autoimmune disease, she's also on an injection that lowers her immune system. We're all being really careful, carrying hand sanitizer, washing our hands constantly, wiping down anything we touch and not leaving the house. My dad on the other hand is living his life as normal, going to the bookies, going to work, not washing his hands, he deals with the public and handles money so hand washing should be a priority. He was making tea in the kitchen today, after he was finished with his spoon he dried it on his filthy jumper that he'd been wearing all day and put it back in the drawer for someone else to use. When he does wash his hands after being told to do so, he washes them over dishes in the sink and barely rinses them.
The stress this is causing my mother is through the roof. He's so pig headed theres no telling him to cop on and think about someone other than himself. He'd still be going to the pub every night if they hadnt been shut. I wish there would be a lock down, atleast then he'd be forced to stay in the house and not off down the bookies or going to work. Im terrified he's going to bring something into the house that will no doubt kill my mother.

NIMAN

Some people just can't be reasoned with.

There Is a large cohort of people of all ages who aren't taking this serious at all.

My own mother of 77 is one of them.

I watched the news earlier with her and there was an elderly woman on the BBC news on Skype, saying she would stay indoors for 4 months if she was advised to.

My mum laughed and said "Well more fool you love".

expectationlost

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Both my parents are in their 60's, my mother has COPD and another Autoimmune disease, she's also on an injection that lowers her immune system. We're all being really careful, carrying hand sanitizer, washing our hands constantly, wiping down anything we touch and not leaving the house. My dad on the other hand is living his life as normal, going to the bookies, going to work, not washing his hands, he deals with the public and handles money so hand washing should be a priority. He was making tea in the kitchen today, after he was finished with his spoon he dried it on his filthy jumper that he'd been wearing all day and put it back in the drawer for someone else to use. When he does wash his hands after being told to do so, he washes them over dishes in the sink and barely rinses them.
The stress this is causing my mother is through the roof. He's so pig headed theres no telling him to cop on and think about someone other than himself. He'd still be going to the pub every night if they hadnt been shut. I wish there would be a lock down, atleast then he'd be forced to stay in the house and not off down the bookies or going to work. Im terrified he's going to bring something into the house that will no doubt kill my mother.

tell him to act like he already has it to save his wifes life.

ruwithme

Questions555 wrote: »

I’m sure I’m not the only one with this problem at the moment

My brother and I have tried explaining the seriousness of this but they’re continuing as normal. Going to Tescos, post office and still allowing all their grandkids near them

If you’re in the same boat, what have you said or done that’s got through to them?

Both parents are mid 60s and the father’s health has been ropey for years

Thanks

Maybe cut them some slack. they've being around a while too. covid -19 could be with us for year's to come and no vaccine. that would be alot of indoors for anyone.

JP Liz V1

The best you can do is get them to wear masks and gloves plus get them to wash hands religiously, it is hard

Airyfairy12

expectationlost wrote: »

tell him to act like he already has it to save his wifes life.

He doesnt care he just laughs when its brought up and gets mad when he feels like he's being given out too. He's the maturity of a 9 year old sometimes.

the dark phantom

A deeply religious Traveller buddy of mine thinks God will protect him from the virus.

My parents didn't take it seriously until they watched the Late Late. The empty audience made them realise how serious it was. I could see it in their faces as the realisation hit them, and they've been very careful since.

TBH, I figure older people will catch on pretty quick, except for a stubborn few. It's the younger generations that I'm more concerned over. Imagine the guilt in knowing that you brought the virus into your grandparents home? Or exposed your sisters young children to it...

There really needs to be more done to reinforce the message of unintended consequences. Many people don't consider beyond the risks to themselves, which they're willing to dismiss. I've always been one of those people... which was easy since I live alone.. but being back in Ireland during this crisis, really brought home the selfishness and irresponsibility of such an attitude.

Barelyworking

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

He doesnt care he just laughs when its brought up and gets mad when he feels like he's being given out too. He's the maturity of a 9 year old sometimes.

Well just last week you slated someone in the beauty thread for advising you to consider others in regard to the virus. Determine what changed your opinion and behaviours and try apply it to your dad.

krissovo

Corca Baiscinn wrote: »

If North London ends up with food shortages later in the year your Dad will be a popular man! He must have great energy to manage 7 allotments. He sounds like he'll come out of it alright but can't see him taking kindly to Boris's promise this evening to "shield" the elderly for 12 weeks!

Its a sad story why he has 7, the popularity of allotments is dropping and he is taking on the allotments when someone passes away to keep them maintained or they will be sold to developers.

His flat looks like a grocery wholesalers, anyone who visits gets a bag of spuds and onions. He gives the veg to the pub as credit for pints and meals.

Airyfairy12

Barelyworking wrote: »

Well just last week you slated someone in the beauty thread for advising you to consider others in regard to the virus. Determine what changed your opinion and behaviours and try apply it to your dad.

I slated somebody? Im completely sure that I didnt. I know the thread youre referring too, the one were I said I would continue to wash my face. I also said I would wash my hands, use sanitizer and keep my work space sanitized. What more could be done?
Keep in mind a week ago we never imagined the schools would be closed and the country, along with the rest of Europe, would be essentially locked down. I dont think many realised the seriousness of the situation in the beginning. All we had to go on was the media which was, at the time, encouraging people not to be alarmist.
Whats changed? thousands of people have died, a very small number of people in the country were tested positive for coronavirus, this week, that number has risen to over 200.
The situation itself has entirely changed.

ixoy

I'm fortunate that my dad's level headed and my parents are now self isolating but I know of others who see the virus as "over there". I think you could try showing them some of the stuff from Italy but that's still "over there".

So perhaps try and focus on the Irish stories that are going to come out - look for personnel stuff. See if you can put in an Irish context - it's no longer that Lombardy region, but a place a few miles from them would surely drive it home a bit more. Unfortunately, it might take a few more serious cases here for that sort of story to come out but maybe it'll be the best focus.

Irish Steve

It's not just Irish Parents that are a nightmare, Step Father is 90, Mother is 95, they don't watch TV news much, and their news comes from 2 or 3 day old copies of the Daily Mail that a neighbour drops in, and brutally, there's not much news in the Mail, other than scandal, soaps misdeeds, and the like, so at the moment, despite trying hard to persuade them to change their habits, the attitude is they are still going to go to 3 or 4 supermarkets, and get a few bits in each, rather than order on line and have it delivered, they're going to garden centres, coffee shops and the like, and carrying on as if there's nothing happening around them. They've even offered to drop a neighbour to the hospital for an appointment in a few days time, assuming it doesn't get cancelled, which seems to me to be highly dangerous.

My brother and his wife went in today to try and get through to them that they are probably facing a 3 or 4 month isolation under current UK thinking, but even that didn't make an impression.

The fact that we're half a day's travel away under normal circumstances, and for the next while probably 18 hours away makes it hard, the biggest concern is that they seem to be oblivious to what's happening across the globe, and it's getting worse in the UK by the day.

Depending on what happens here, it could well be the case that we too won't be able to travel, there are likely to be no flights, and I'm not confident that ferries will be carrying passengers and cars for much longer, if that happens, even if they are taken ill, we won't be able to get there to provide support, and if they are seriously ill, then it would be inappropriate for us to travel anyway.

Not easy, and I don't see any way we can actually get through to them that the situation is a lot more serious than they've realised. The fear is that given their ages, and their lack of awareness, one or both of them could become seriously ill with Covid, and there will be no way to provide support for them, given the numbers that are likely to be involved, I'm under no illusions that medical staff are likely to be having to make very hard decisions in the coming months about who they save, as there is clearly a massive shortage of beds and equipment for critical care in the UK.

ArchXStanton

Tie them up

Victor

I'm 47, have mild asthma, and a bit of a sniffle, so my risk would be slightly higher than for many adults. In the last two weeks, I've been out so little, that I've touched nobody and spoken to exactly 15 people in person. Many of them no more than "Can I buy this? Thank you". Lots of things are possible when you put your mind to it.

---

Once, when my sister was visiting my parents with her children, Dad was dropping them back to the station to head home. just as they pulled off in the car, there was a scream of "Granddad, STOOOOOOPPPP!!" from the 3-year old. Dad, of course, stopped the car, thinking some child was being maimed.

The 3-year old had noticed that dad wasn't wearing his seat belt, which for her was a complete 'no'. Dad had a habit of not wearing a seat belt, as it would aggravate his shoulder when he turned the steering wheel hard. The next car he bought had power steering and he always wore his seat belt.

So:
1. Arrange Skype or similar for the grandparents, the grandchildren and the grandparents' friends. Let them chat several times per day. Have the grandparents read books to the grandchildren.
2. Simplify their routine - one big shop, not something every day.
3. Arrange so the grandparents have time off from each other.
4. Tell them that they need to be a good example to the grandchildren.

If the above doesn't work:
5. Prohibit them from seeing the grandchildren.
6. Tell them you are keeping the grandchildren emotionally separate from them, so the grandchildren won't miss them as much when they die.
7. Drop some funeral home brochures in the letter box. This may may be upsetting for some people to read ---->

Make sure it includes a piece about child-sized coffins.

If the above doesn't work:
8. If there is a woman of child-bearing age (doesn't have to be pregnant), get her all emotional, have her throw a wobbly an blurt out "I can't deal with the thought of you guys dying before the baby is born"

Sheep breeder

krissovo wrote: »

Its a sad story why he has 7, the popularity of allotments is dropping and he is taking on the allotments when someone passes away to keep them maintained or they will be sold to developers.

His flat looks like a grocery wholesalers, anyone who visits gets a bag of spuds and onions. He gives the veg to the pub as credit for pints and meals.

This sounds like this is what keeps him getting up in the morning and going and very hard to change this type of life.
My mother was something similar till a couple of knee ops slowed her down and she is worried about the virus. All you can do is your best.

lainey_d_123

I'm in the same boat. I think it's starting to get through now but I don't know how much. Pair of them travelled over to England this weekend gone for a party.

I don't know why so many people of that generation seem to think it's all grand while so many of mine (millennials) are scared sh*tless. Maybe because we graduated into a massive recession, have never had a hope of buying property and all that stuff...my parents seem to have a faith in the government and in the 'system' that was knocked out of me long before I turned 25. I feel like I need to look out for myself because no-one else will, and they just don't seem to feel that way.

My dad was asking my aunt why she doesn't just head to Italy on her holiday next month if the restrictions are listed, because sure, her EHIC would cover her if she needed hospital treatment...at a time when dozens of Italians are being left to die because they haven't enough beds and ventilators for them all!

I was just speechless....how can people be this clueless??!!

lainey_d_123

Deleted User wrote: »

My parents didn't take it seriously until they watched the Late Late. The empty audience made them realise how serious it was. I could see it in their faces as the realisation hit them, and they've been very careful since.

TBH, I figure older people will catch on pretty quick, except for a stubborn few. It's the younger generations that I'm more concerned over. Imagine the guilt in knowing that you brought the virus into your grandparents home? Or exposed your sisters young children to it...

There really needs to be more done to reinforce the message of unintended consequences. Many people don't consider beyond the risks to themselves, which they're willing to dismiss. I've always been one of those people... which was easy since I live alone.. but being back in Ireland during this crisis, really brought home the selfishness and irresponsibility of such an attitude.

I think it's the older generations who are much worse. Myself, my siblings and my cousins have all stopped socialising completely, barely leaving the house, obsessively handwashing and sanitising. Our parents are still going about as normal, barely washing hands, attending family gatherings.

It's infuriating.