Newish girlfriend not invited to old friend's wedding

dmm82

Op, you say the groom is one of your oldest friends and that you really value his friendship etc, yet you are willing to miss his wedding ceremony because a girl you have been seeing for only a few months has thrown a strop? I think thats really unfair and I would be really upset if I was the groom. Good friends that you can rely on are hard to come by, especially as we get older and I really think you should have a bit more loyalty towards him.

Your girlfriend sounds like a nightmare, I understand that she may not understand how irish weddings work but the fact that she is making this all about her is a major red flag. I'm female and would never expect a new boyfriend to miss an old friends wedding because of me, especially when if I had the option of going to the evening part and the second day celebrations. She sounds spoilt and demanding and if you give into this behaviour now you will be doing it all the time.

Gwen Cooper

OP, obviously I don't know your girlfriend and I'm only going by what you told us, but I can't stop imagining what kind of company she'd be at the wedding. Sounds to me like she's the kind of person who'd cause a scene for not getting enough attention.

Look, you're just after getting out of your marriage, and looks like you've started seeing her very shortly after you and your wife separated. She might be insecure about being just a long-term rebound or a replacement, someone you just keep by your side until you get over the break-up. Maybe that's why she wants to feel included and be seen with you, so everyone knows that she's with you. But if that's the case, she should be able to tell you about it, and not flip out like this, you're not a mind reader.

I would personally go to the wedding by myself, it will help you getting your social life back on track a bit.

I live in a country where it would be absolutely absurd to not have a +1 or even +family. The last wedding I was at had colleagues and kids and all along for the ride. A bus to pick up whoever came along.

It does come down to culture. If she grew up where this would never happen, she'd take it as an insult. She may not fully understand how expensive each extra person is if she's from somewhere that is more communal eating and an extra person isn't a big deal.

It sounds over the top though so look at that aspect I suppose if it's a recurring issue. But it is definitely going to be hard living in another country and trying to feel part of it and be involved and then you don't get invited to a wedding as a plus one when your partner is a good friend.

secman

OP...just an observation have you applied for a pass for the stags , by the sounds of it you might encounter resistance on that ? That would be a pointer as to where the relationship is going ....

nthclare

Wedding aside, there's a lot of red flags popping up.
Reminds my gorgeous exe from Santiago in Chile.
She was absolutely stunning and definitely a 10 for looks. Great in bed, funny but could turn on a tuppence if she was triggered.
But all the attention seeking and anxiety broke down the relationship.
It was a similar thing to your own situation.

Many a good man and women stayed with someone who was beautifully made on the outside but nothing of depth in the inside.

Your call but make sure you are happy with the decision.

Emme

Deleted User wrote: »

I live in a country where it would be absolutely absurd to not have a +1 or even +family. The last wedding I was at had colleagues and kids and all along for the ride. A bus to pick up whoever came along.

It does come down to culture. If she grew up where this would never happen, she'd take it as an insult. She may not fully understand how expensive each extra person is if she's from somewhere that is more communal eating and an extra person isn't a big deal.

It sounds over the top though so look at that aspect I suppose if it's a recurring issue. But it is definitely going to be hard living in another country and trying to feel part of it and be involved and then you don't get invited to a wedding as a plus one when your partner is a good friend.

If it was a one off incident the OP could put it entirely down to culture but he said in his first post there have been problems over the last 7 months and he was afraid to mention the wedding for fear of how his GF would react. He mentioned that his GF had anxiety. OK but anger issues as well? Does he need this less than a year after his divorce?

If cultural issues cause major and recurring problems in a relationship that relationship is unlikely to go the distance unless BOTH parties make a conscious effort to overcome cultural differences.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

If it was a one off incident the OP could put it entirely down to culture but he said in his first post there have been problems over the last 7 months and he was afraid to mention the wedding for fear of how his GF would react. He mentioned that his GF had anxiety. OK but anger issues as well? Does he need this less than a year after his divorce?

If cultural issues cause major and recurring problems in a relationship that relationship is unlikely to go the distance unless BOTH parties make a conscious effort to overcome cultural differences.

Personally, if my SO wasn't invited to a close friend's wedding, I'd give my best and carry on with my life and continue my friendship with the groom or bride regardless of my attendance.

We only have one side of the story here and that's why this condemnation of the partner's actions might only be feeding a running issue.

That's why I tried to give context and not much else. It's too easy to imagine every OP is perfect. Maybe this is the final straw of something else, not that I'm suggesting that. I'm just saying we can't give overarching relationship advice willy nilly with the notion that OP is an absolute gent. We don't know how she feels or what has happened.

Thelonious Monk

Why does she even care? If I was the OP and I told my partner there was no plus 1, she wouldn't care, and vice versa, I'd be delighted not to have to go, but then she's never even hinted at being in the least bit dramatic about anything since I've known her.
Life is too short for gobsh*tes like this OP, it's just not worth it with these people.

ILoveYourVibes

If my partner wasn't invited to a wedding and we were dating 7 months i wouldn't go but that is just me.

On the other hand ...that is how friendships end ...so you need to know you are ending it.

Thelonious Monk

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Why does she even care? If I was the OP and I told my partner there was no plus 1, she wouldn't care, and vice versa, I'd be delighted not to have to go, but then she's never even hinted at being in the least bit dramatic about anything since I've known her.
Life is too short for gobsh*tes like this OP, it's just not worth it with these people.

Well in OP's own words, her not being included is a tired sore subject. I guess this is the climax of that.

Why does she feel that way?

salmocab

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If my partner wasn't invited to a wedding and we were dating 7 months i wouldn't go but that is just me.

On the other hand ...that is how friendships end ...so you need to know you are ending it.

They’ve never met the girlfriend and the OP assumed they knew based on his own social media not because he told his friend. To that couple she’s absolutely not on the radar at all because he kept her off it and now wants them to stump up for a dinner because she’s kicked off.

Thelonious Monk

Deleted User wrote: »

Well in OP's own words, her not being included is a tired sore subject. I guess this is the climax of that.

Why does she feel that way?

Because she's tapped and deeply insecure. Run a mile OP.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Well in OP's own words, her not being included is a tired sore subject. I guess this is the climax of that.

Why does she feel that way?

She's probably insecure due to the fact that he only recently separated the middle of last year and she needs to know and be reassured by actions (again and again) that he's serious about her above all else.

Do you have children OP? You mentioned she made a fuss about not being introduced to family etc?

ILoveYourVibes

salmocab wrote: »

They’ve never met the girlfriend and the OP assumed they knew based on his own social media not because he told his friend. To that couple she’s absolutely not on the radar at all because he kept her off it and now wants them to stump up for a dinner because she’s kicked off.

You would always usually say plus one on a wedding invite. Its unusual.

And if someone didn't invite my partner. I wouldn't go. They could either accept that or not.

Caranica

Even when I was married I was invited to two weddings solo on a table of girls where the bride and groom were having a small wedding and chose to have more of their friends rather than half the number of friends but with plus ones. My ex never minded.

I think your gf is way out of line OP and you absolutely should go to the full wedding, your friend has been there for you for a long time. To choose a gf of a few months over him would be very bad form.

ILoveYourVibes

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Because she's tapped and deeply insecure. Run a mile OP.

Or he really doesn't include her.

It kind of sounds like he is putting his friends that he hasn't seen in ten yrs before her.

Thelonious Monk

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Because she's tapped and deeply insecure. Run a mile OP.

If an OP includes the fact that this is an ongoing sore point, I think all advice to break up with her is null and void.

You could just be projecting your own approach to a relationship which is to include your partner, and the OP's partner sounds like a nightmare in comparison.

I'm not saying he is bad at relationships. I'm saying this conversation should be kept reasonable regarding the situation at hand.

We don't know.

meeeeh

I think your girlfriend is out of line and I think you should go alone. Don't bother bringing her to afters (I personally find afters insulting so I agree that much with her).

That being said you sound as someone who comes with a lot of baggage and avoids friends due to break up of marriage. I think some of her insecurities might be due to you.

ILoveYourVibes

OP if you had invested in the health of this relationship consistently from when it began. This drama might have been avoided.

Whatever you do now remember that going forward so it its less likely to happen again.

She will get over if you go without her. I personally wouldn't. But its up to you.

But this one incident isn't nearly as important as the whole relationship. If you choose not to go and STILL leave her out etc the relationship won't last and will just be full of drama.

This one wedding will pass. The work of a relationship is ongoing.

So go if want to. But don't make a fuss. Then probably in 3 weeks she will forget.

Then you have to evaluate how your half of the relationship (what you put in) can be improved.

If you still feel uncomfortable or she does when you think you are giving it your all and including her ...that is another issue.

salmocab

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You would always usually say plus one on a wedding invite. Its unusual.

And if someone didn't invite my partner. I wouldn't go. They could either accept that or not.

I didn’t, a couple of single mates just got invited for themselves. I went to a good few weddings on my own without a plus one invite including one just after I got with my now wife and didn’t bat an eyelid about the invites.

I doubt the couple care if a bloke who didn’t even tell them he was with someone new and doesn’t seem to keep in touch decided not to go.

Emme

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Or he really doesn't include her.

It kind of sounds like he is putting his friends that he hasn't seen in ten yrs before her.

This friend is one of the few who stood by him over the years. The OP is absolutely right if he puts this friend before a girl he met only 7 months ago, drama queen or not. A normal woman in this situation would encourage him to go without her.

It's becoming more common to invite people solo to weddings because of the costs involved.

ILoveYourVibes

salmocab wrote: »

I doubt the couple care if a bloke who didn’t even tell them he was with someone new and doesn’t seem to keep in touch decided not to go.

That's likely also.

ILoveYourVibes

Emme wrote: »

This friend is one of the few who stood by him over the years. The OP is absolutely right if he puts this friend before a girl he met only 7 months ago, drama queen or not. A normal woman in this situation would encourage him to go without her.

It's becoming more common to invite people solo to weddings because of the costs involved.

Doesn't really matter she is still going to give him a headache about it. If he can stand that ..then go. She'll forget ..all women forget eventually.

As i said ..if he had invested in the health of the relationship from the get go ..it might not have been an issue. But he didn't he was shortsighted he didn't for some reason understand it will cause drama in the long run.

If she has legit reason to feel excluded ...he will have to rectify it ..or this drama will go on.

If she is just being difficult. Well then he talks to her with a view to change or moves on.

Dog day

Hi OP, your girlfriend is being totally unreasonable, perhaps there’s a cultural disconnect & she feels justified however I’d be quite concerned overall if this is how she behaves after only 7 months.

You speak very highly of your friend & his fiancé & I would advise against asking them to compromise on this (ie. your suggestion that you forgo the meal etc), they’re being very accommodating in that your girlfriend is welcome to the afters/next day celebrations.

I’m sorry also to hear you went through a marriage breakdown, this friend of yours sounds like a good one that’s supported you over the years. Your girlfriend on the other hand is behaving in a spiteful & juvenile manner & if I were you I’d ensure she understands that it’s not acceptable otherwise I’d fear you’re in for a lot more of the same unreasonable behaviour.

ILoveYourVibes

Dog day wrote: »

You speak very highly of your friend & his fiancé & I would advise against asking them to compromise on this (ie. your suggestion that you forgo the meal etc), they’re being very accommodating in that your girlfriend is welcome to the afters/next day celebrations.

Maybe the op could reimburse any cost?

LegacyUser

testtestfeb2020b wrote: »

It's a bit complicated I guess about the +1:
I separated from my wife around the middle of last year. I have no doubt that he would have invited us both by name since he him and his fiancée were at my wedding. I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of my old friends (except 2 or 3 I actually still see at all) out of the blue about this and time went on and I guess he just heard about it from someone and presumed I'm single now other than just the few signs of new girlfriend the last few months ony social media.

Hold up OP this is rather important background information. So this couple came to your wedding and you are only separated since last year and none of these friends have met your new GF. I'm not surprised they only invited you, they must think you've only been going out with this girl a few months seeing as your only separated a short time and they most likely thought it would be awkward to be at a wedding of friends who attend your wedding. Now maybe they were thinking of you or maybe just themselves when they issued the invite, regardless it makes more sense they just invited you. Your GF's reaction doesn't seem as OTT now as it's clear you've not gone super public with your relationship and she probably feels quite hurt about it.

This isn't about the wedding so don't go back to the couple looking for her to be invited, they aren't the issue, the wedding isn't the issue. The issue here is what is the story with this relationship. Has she meet other friends of yours? Has she met family? Is she feeling like she's going to be blamed for the break up of your marriage?

meeeeh

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Maybe the op could reimburse any cost?

No. It's not his party, the couple can invite whomever they want. Girlfriend is overreacting, she has no connection to the couple.

Dog day

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Maybe the op could reimburse any cost?

This is only likely to make the friend & his fiancée feel uncomfortable. I genuinely believe his girlfriend is totally out of line. Her reaction is indicative of a bigger picture here & it doesn’t bode well for the future.

ILoveYourVibes

Dog day wrote: »

This is only likely to make the friend & his fiancée feel uncomfortable. I genuinely believe his girlfriend is totally out of line. Her reaction is indicative of a bigger picture here & it doesn’t bode well for the future.

I am just making suggestions without moral judgement. If she is out of line ..then he can tell her etc ..but women don't react well to 'being put in their place' even if its the truth etc.

If the op is prepared to take the row etc. That's fine. Or if he wants to dump her. If she is that unreasonable i don't think she is going to take it peacefully etc.


OP can you skip the meal and go to the afters?

Dog day

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am just making suggestions without moral judgement. If she is out of line ..then he can tell her etc ..but women don't react well to 'being put in their place' even if its the truth etc.

Calling somebody out on such obvious bad behaviour isn’t a moral judgement nor is it putting someone in their place, the latter isn’t appreciated by either gender!