Newish girlfriend not invited to old friend's wedding

LegacyUser

Started dating a girl 7 months ago, I'm in my 30s as is she. I'm Irish, she's south american living here a number of years.

I rarely see many of my friends these days. One of my oldest Irish friends of <10yrs is getting married in a couple of months. He's a friend who I've always regarded very highly and has always been good to me, and hopefully he feels similar about me, though as I said we don't see each other often at all lately. His fiancée I get along good with too, though I'd be around her even less.

Anyway the couple haven't yet met the girl I'm dating, though would be just about aware of her through my posts of her on instagram etc rather than any situation along the lines of me talking to them in person going "hey I'm in a relationship with _____ now", since I've not seen the couple in person nearly except once in those 6 months.

My invitation to their wedding just names me, the solo guest. I kind of forgot to expect this would be the case (my fault) for various reasons, and so I threw a very quick little text over to the groom to ask how feasible it is for me to bring my +1 to the wedding and he said "not very", as they're severely over-invited as is, but that she can attend all the post-meal post-sitdown parts no problem. The wedding is down the country and people are also staying all the next day so there's that part too she'd be there for no problem.

When she found out I might be going to the first parts of the wedding without her she freaked. Saying how rude is was for her to be excluded and she's never heard of this kind of thing in her life, saying if she's my girlfriend the 'of course' she must be invited to the same extent as I am. Which I understand, for the most part, but - they've never met her yet.

I explained this to her and she started hammering on what is a tired, sore subject for us - the fact that she feels like I don't include her in my life. What she means is that I didn't somehow introduce her to these people yet. But I live a very isolated life these days, I grew apart or distanced myself from a lot of my old friends in the last few years as I was going through the breakdown of a marriage that in the end I felt ashamed about. I've said to my gf many times that it makes me sad that I don't have the social life I used to where I would catch up with friends with any kind of frequency, she's well versed in this being the case for me and I've made clear I know it's not ideal and I would like to improve all that. But there's only so much I can do in the normal course of events - trying to force contrive meetups with friends has only ever made me feel worse when most of them flake, bail, send their apologies and it puts me feeling even more distant from them.

This guy (groom) is actually one of the only of <2 friends I have who in the past I felt was ever really "there" in all those times where it counted, where it meant a lot to me to have someone turn up to something. He's a really good egg, for me, I have a lot of respect for him and his fiancée and the last thing I would ever want is to be a demanding asshole toward them about this girlfriend invitation thing when I know how cutthroat and difficult it is trying to keep a guestlist within size and cost limits.

Having received the invitation and realised no +1 I already texted him to ask and he replied in the negative (but that she can come to the post-meal afters & day 2), she is seriously, SERIOUSLY raging at me for like being remotely accepting of the fact that this is sometimes the way weddings are in Ireland for people with limited amount of money. I don't think either of the couple have their dad anymore to be helping fund bigger and bigger guestlist.

My gf has an unfortunate frequent tendency toward taking small innocent details and feeling them as huge defamations or assaults on the entire value or legitimacy of our relationship (she got angry at me many times for not organising meeting my family sooner even though she herself was flakey about the details when it came time to actually come meet them). She'll then attack me and paint herself as a victim of being the neglected party and get extremely worked up and sometimes rude or lose her temper. If I say the wrong thing about my plans for a social event or travelling somewhere, she's usually with laser-accuracy there finding the insinuation that I obviously must not care as much as her about the relationship, and she is the one "giving more" all the time.

So my guard was up out of habit when she freaked about this invitation business. I explained it all to her and said I wasn't sure what else I can do, having already hinted at wanting +1, without starting to make an annoying nuisance of myself to the couple about it. I tried to explain it can be hard for everyone's other half to get invited sometimes to Irish weddings if they've not met the couple before.
She's utterly disgusted, blames me for NOT being as disgusted (even though I obviously sympathised and emphasised I would MUCH rather have her with me for the full wedding). She's told the whole situation to some of her friends in such a way that they obviously replied "oh that's unacceptable, my bf would never allow that" etc and came back to me with statements about that, which really, really annoyed me to think about.

So she's basically sworn off going to the thing at all, coming with lots of spiteful sounding comments like "you go by yourself, enjoy yourself, don't expect me to go to this or event XYZ or anything else from now on, I'm done trying so hard to be in your life, I'm done trying" etc
Obviously this precise situation hasn't come up before but when shoe's on the other foot I never react with so much negative feeling.
I'm just at the end of my patience and my wits now and don't know what to do. I plan to make another request to my friend the groom to see if I could somehow go without my meal and seat at that part of the day to allow her to be accommodated instead, it won't really bother me personally to do that but I know it sounds terrible to everyone else. I don't know. I've very little patience now at this point for her stance on it, she's holding it all against me.

woodchuck

OP your girlfriend is being incredibly unreasonable. It's completely understandable that she's not included on the invite, as you're only going 7 months and the bride and groom have probably been planning the wedding (and their numbers) longer than that! It's not always about money either, it's also about the venues capacity.

You might be able to blame some of this on cultural differences, but frankly, her attitude stinks and there's no excusing that. If she was being in any way reasonable, I might suggest that you forgo the meal and attend the afters together. But I wouldn't be pandering to her tantrums!

I'd be looking at the relationship as a whole if I was you. It sounds like this isn't an isolated incidence. Be honest with yourself - are you just with her because you'd prefer not to be single? It sounds like your social life in general isn't great. I'd be focusing on improving that, instead of trying to placate a tantrum throwing girlfriend...

The chan chan man

woodchuck wrote: »

OP your girlfriend is being incredibly unreasonable. It's completely understandable that she's not included on the invite, as you're only going 7 months and the bride and groom have probably been planning the wedding (and their numbers) longer than that! It's not always about money either, it's also about the venues capacity.

You might be able to blame some of this on cultural differences, but frankly, her attitude stinks and there's no excusing that. If she was being in any way reasonable, I might suggest that you forgo the meal and attend the afters together. But I wouldn't be pandering to her tantrums!

I'd be looking at the relationship as a whole if I was you. It sounds like this isn't an isolated incidence. Be honest with yourself - are you just with her because you'd prefer not to be single? It sounds like your social life in general isn't great. I'd be focusing on improving that, instead of trying to placate a tantrum throwing girlfriend...

My view is the opposite. I think your girlfriend is justified in her, i’ll say annoyance, but oerhaps not “rage!”. Your mate sounds like a tool! Surely he can make space for a +1!

Redser87

Exactly what woodchuck said! I well remember the days of curtailing numbers for our wedding and for partners we had to go with married, engaged or living together- otherwise we would have had to leave out some of our friends. All partners of any length of time were more than welcome to the afters. And a whole gang of my girls offered to come without their OHs when they realised we were stretched for space - and said they enjoyed it much more as a girls' day out.
It was totally reasonable for you to double check with the groom, and absolutely fair enough that he said no. And you've been decent about accepting that. In this situation it seems that your girlfriend is the only person who is making a mountain out of a mole hill. I would question how often she does this and if the happy times are enough to make up for this type of incident.

DaeryssaOne

testestfeb2020a wrote: »

I plan to make another request to my friend the groom to see if I could somehow go without my meal and seat at that part of the day to allow her to be accommodated instead, it won't really bother me personally to do that but I know it sounds terrible to everyone else. I don't know. I've very little patience now at this point for her stance on it, she's holding it all against me.

OP your girlfriend is completely in the wrong here and I would 100% advise against asking the above! How awkward and uncomfortable would it be for the bride and groom to give the ok for somebody they've never met to sit down to a meal they have paid for while you...what exactly...do you hover nearby, hang around outside the venue while she eats alone not knowing anybody at her table or do you sit next to her watching everybody else eat?

While your girlfriend may be in the right that she doesn't feel fully included in some parts of your life, she does need to accept that this is how Irish weddings go - I couldn't invite some plus 1s to my own wedding because of venue capacity so had to go with the rule that if I hadn't met the person's significant other, they weren't invited. No hard feelings or offence intended to the non-invited people but that's the way it goes. By the way if they were actually offended, I should fully expect them to be annoyed with us as the bride and groom and certainly not their partner!

She is being overly dramatic and needs to realise that this is not your doing. I would say go to the wedding yourself, enjoy yourself, catch up with old friends and if she doesn't come round then that's her problem, it's only 7 months, nobody needs this type of drama in their life.

DaeryssaOne

The chan chan man wrote: »

My view is the opposite. I think your girlfriend is justified in her, i’ll say annoyance, but oerhaps not “rage!”. Your mate sounds like a tool! Surely he can make space for a +1!

So you want the bride and groom who have never met this person and has only been in the OP's life for 7 months to pay €100+ for her meal, to change their table plan to accommodate her and to possibly have to do this for multiple other guests who would be offended to hear that OP's plus 1 can come but theirs can't?

bee06

Your girlfriend doesn’t get to dictate who your friend invites to his wedding. Do not contact him again about getting her an invite.

Call me Al

A suggestion to keep the peace, why don't you skip the meal and go together as a couple to the afters?
Otherwise she's being completely unreasonable but I think you know that..
And yes, don't ask him again. He won't thank you for it.

Emme

OP weddings are expensive and I understand your friend and his fiancee watching the purse strings. The last few weddings I've attended the couple has specified cash presents only. People are really watching the pennies. Do not ask your friend to include her in the day, if you do he might feel compelled to disinvite you on account of you putting him in a very awkward sitation.

Your girlfriend is South American and they can have different cultural expectations to Irish people. They can be more intense or full on in relationships than Irish people. There's nothing wrong with that as long as your girlfriend respects you and takes your needs and wishes into account.

You are only dating her 7 months and already you mention your gf's getting angry with you. You seem to be almost afraid of her - you said your guard was up when you mentioned the wedding to her. That is not good, you are walking on eggshells around her. Are you exclusive 7 months or did you only meet her 7 months ago? If you only met her 7 months ago it's a very short time. Some people only bring partners to weddings if they have been dating a year or more.

I think you have two choices with regard to this wedding:

1) Go to the whole shebang on your own and have a ball catching up with old friends. You'll be able to enjoy the evening without fear of making your girlfriend angry.

2) Don't go to the ceremony and the meal but go with your gf to the evening and the next day.

I would strongly advise you to do option (1). If she doesn't like it and throws a tantrum you would be well advised to end it or cool things with her.

Perhaps you should cool things a little with her anyway. If the relationship with her doesn't work out there are plenty of women out there, many who would be chilled about you going to a wedding without them after only 7 months of dating.

Raisins

She sounds very insecure / lacking in self confidence. A confident partner who feels valued and secure in a relationship might not be delighted to miss out but they wouldn’t blow up like that. The solution is not to follow up again to the groom - stop allowing her reaction to make you do things you really don’t want to do. You need to talk about / tackle her feelings openly + properly.

zapper55

She sounds like incredibly hard work OP. I dont care if it's a cultural thing do you want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life if you stay with her?

LegacyUser

OP here (excuse the new username, on my phone this time).

Somehow I hadn't even thought of just going to the afters myself and skipping the meal part. That might appeal to her as she wouldn't feel "left out" relative to my level of invitation then. Maybe a good idea

I realize it sounds like such a shame for me to have to do that with the wedding of one of my only old friends though so I'll give some consideration to following through or not on the idea, depending on how she reacts and how things seem between us in the interim I'll see whether I just fall back to attending the full thing. I'd let my engaged friends know in advance if not attending ceremony/meal of course to allow someone slot in there.

I'll hopefully get the chance to explain it all to the groom in person when we're on the stag next month, he'll understand then whatever way it goes.

And yes, we have a lot of good things together but unfortunately this has a little bit of a larger indicative thing to it with the whole relationship, so yes I'm thinking hard about whether I want to be up against this kind of thing in general in future. She suffers a bit from some slight anxiety and I guess insecurity. Whether that excuses anything/everything I don't know, I just have to decide whether I want to take that on long term.

Emme

testestfeb2020a wrote: »

My gf has an unfortunate frequent tendency toward taking small innocent details and feeling them as huge defamations or assaults on the entire value or legitimacy of our relationship (she got angry at me many times for not organising meeting my family sooner even though she herself was flakey about the details when it came time to actually come meet them). She'll then attack me and paint herself as a victim of being the neglected party and get extremely worked up and sometimes rude or lose her temper. If I say the wrong thing about my plans for a social event or travelling somewhere, she's usually with laser-accuracy there finding the insinuation that I obviously must not care as much as her about the relationship, and she is the one "giving more" all the time.

She's utterly disgusted, blames me for NOT being as disgusted (even though I obviously sympathised and emphasised I would MUCH rather have her with me for the full wedding). She's told the whole situation to some of her friends in such a way that they obviously replied "oh that's unacceptable, my bf would never allow that" etc and came back to me with statements about that, which really, really annoyed me to think about.

So she's basically sworn off going to the thing at all, coming with lots of spiteful sounding comments like "you go by yourself, enjoy yourself, don't expect me to go to this or event XYZ or anything else from now on, I'm done trying so hard to be in your life, I'm done trying"etc

I've very little patience now at this point for her stance on it, she's holding it all against me.

OP wedding aside, I can see a lot of red flags regarding your girlfriend in your post. She sounds like incredibly hard work and you should seriously reconsider the relationship. A relationship of 7 months should not be hard work, you should have stars in your eyes at this stage.

Her suffering from anxiety is no excuse for being so angry with you if you don't fall into line all the time.

If a man were treating a woman like this people would be advising her to run and rightly so.

Idle Passerby

I started off thinking your friends were being rude not to invite your girlfriend but hearing her reaction she sounds like a total headwreck. Her beef is with a couple she's never met, not you. You've already asked if there was any chance she could've invited and have got your answer. It's possible guest lists were finalised before the girlfriend was in your life anyway. A normal person in your girlfriends shoes might feel a little slighted but understand the situation and make no more fuss about it.

baby and crumble

From my perspective we did similar to your friends when we planned our wedding. There were people with new partners that we'd never met, and while the person we knew and were friends with got a full invite, the partners got separate evening invitations. There's no way we could afford even 4 or 5 of those +1's for the whole day at about €90 a pop, especially when, frankly, they mightn't even be together in a few months time. Also, and this might sound harsh, I didn't want loads of randomers that I didn't know witnessing my wedding. It was personal and i wanted it to remain that way.

SusieBlue

She's being completely unreasonable and extremely manipulative. She's never even met these people, why does she want to go to their ceremony so badly?
If I was in her position I'd be delighted to receive the invite to just the afters - the ceremony and meal can be quite awkward when you don't know any of the other guests. Usually people are a lot chattier when they've had a few drinks so the afters is the better, less awkward way to meet everyone for the first time and ease your way into the various social circles.

It would be extremely rude of you to ask your friend again.
You'd be putting him in a very unfair position where he's going to have to refuse for a second time, and if you value this friendship at all you won't be willing to put that kind of pressure on him for a 7 month relationship.
Regardless, even if he agreed, it would only be grudgingly. Why would you even want to bring her, knowing you had to nag your friend to get her an invite?
The fact that she even expected you to contact your friend in the first place smacks of arrogance, I'd be mortified if a partner did that on my behalf.

You absolutely shouldn't miss your friends special day because of her temper tantrums.
I fear that if you just go to the afters, you might do irreparable damage to one of the few good friendships in your life. This really isn't worth losing a friend over.
Tell her she can come to the afters or she can stay at home. She is taking this extremely personally when any mature, sensible adult can see that it isn't always possible to include everyone, least of all strangers who they have never met, on their guest list.

Neyite

Your girlfriend is utterly out of order and your relationship doesn't have the longevity for her to demand deference as a long term partner - because she isn't!

It's very early days and she's showing very controlling and anger traits and those often only get worse. If she's the kind to feel major aggrieved over such small issues, is it wise to bring her at all, even to the afters? Could you trust her not to get a few drinks on board and get stroppy with your friend and his bride on their wedding day? It would absolutely ruin the day for them...

Your friend obviously is one that values your friendship - and vice versa and while the suggestion of going to the afters only with your girlfriend is a good one, I think it's a shame to turn down the full day where you could support your friend on his special day because your girlfriend threw a tantrum. And I don't think I'd risk bringing someone who is already walking in major pissed off with the hosts.

This invite has shone a spotlight on a fundamental issue of your relationship and outwith of the wedding, you probably do need to have a good think about whether this relationship is making you happy or if you feel that you'll never be able to do enough to please her.

Ironicname

She sounds like a nightmare. Completely unreasonable.

Pauliedragon

OP if I was in a situation where a friend skipped the early part if my wedding to please his girlfriend it would turn me off her before I've even met her. Think about what 1st impression she is making with your friends if that happens. If you see this as a longterm relationship it's important she doesn't get off to a bad start with your friend.

Faith

testtestfeb2020b wrote: »

Somehow I hadn't even thought of just going to the afters myself and skipping the meal part. That might appeal to her as she wouldn't feel "left out" relative to my level of invitation then. Maybe a good idea

I realize it sounds like such a shame for me to have to do that with the wedding of one of my only old friends though so I'll give some consideration to following through or not on the idea, depending on how she reacts and how things seem between us in the interim I'll see whether I just fall back to attending the full thing. I'd let my engaged friends know in advance if not attending ceremony/meal of course to allow someone slot in there.

that’s cutting off your nose to spite your face, OP. If you do this, you’ll make neither your girlfriend, nor your friend, nor yourself happy. You’ll be colluding with shïtty manipulative, controlling, unreasonable behaviour, you’ll insult your friend, and you’ll further isolate yourself socially. If you’ve already lost a lot of friends, skipping almost the entirety of a wedding to pacify your NEW girlfriend is not how you repair that situation.

If you skip the meal, you’re setting yourself up for a continued life of unhappiness and social isolation. Break the cycle, don’t feed it.

zoobizoo

testestfeb2020a wrote: »

.

She is seriously, SERIOUSLY raging at me

My gf has an unfortunate frequent tendency toward taking small innocent details and feeling them as huge defamations or assaults on the entire value or legitimacy of our relationship

She's utterly disgusted, blames me for NOT being as disgusted

coming with lots of spiteful sounding comments
I'm just at the end of my patience and my wits now and don't know what to do

My advice is to break up with her.

Do it now, go to the wedding on your own and enjoy yourself in the company of your old friend without having a seriously controlling GF in tow - you might even meet someone who treats you with some respect.

You're only together 7 months - why do you put up with her awful behaviour?

StupidLikeAFox

testtestfeb2020b wrote: »

I'll hopefully get the chance to explain it all to the groom in person when we're on the stag next month, he'll understand then whatever way it goes

Not much more to add other than do not do this. The groom is heading away on his stag and the last thing he wants is listening to this ****.

Look, you asked could you bring a plus one and got a definitive "no". That should be where it ends. If your GF wants to get the hump thats on her but don't start creating drama or grief for the couple getting married - they are likely stressed out enough as it is and the day is bigger than you or your GF.

salmocab

Just go without her, let her have her strop.
Your description doesn’t make her sound like she’d be good company anyway.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Your GF sounds like a spoilt brat.

Your friend hasn't invited her because he doesn't know her and has never met her. That's reasonable.

Don't push him to invite her or bring it up at his stags, while she's giving you a hard time remember she is not even remotely on your friend or his future wife's radar!

7 months into a relationship which sounds like a complete nightmare I think the wedding invitation is the least of your problems.

Unless you're happy to spend your life putting up with adult tantrums.

Pretzill

I haven't read all the replies and whereas I think your girlfriend over reacted I do think it's lax of an extremely close friend not to include a +1 on your invitation. If it was me and my other half wasn't invited I would politely decline the invitation. I find the few comments I read here to be disproportionate to the situation, please don't breakup with her over this, also it's expensive to be a guest at a wedding - you both could attend the afters or not go at all. Maybe it's just me but I find weddings extremely boring affairs, that drag on and being there without my partner would only add to that.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

1) Go to the whole shebang on your own and have a ball catching up with old friends. You'll be able to enjoy the evening without fear of making your girlfriend angry.

2) Don't go to the ceremony and the meal but go with your gf to the evening and the next day.

I was thinking the same thing as the above OP, those are your two choices and also agree that you should go with 1. Weddings are planned ages in advance and peoples situations can change between the planning, the invites going out and the actual wedding day. Been to plenty of weddings where people have arrived with a mate as their plus 1 as they've broken up with a partner just before the wedding and been to plenty where the OH arrived after the meal, no issues, no dramatics.

I don't think its the job of the groom to fit your new GF into their wedding. You asked, they said no, that should be the end of it. Your GF is totally over reacting. She's been invited to the afters and the following days meet ups which I think is fair enough especially as she's never even met the couple. I assume she'd know no one at this wedding so would you be spending the entire weekend looking after her?

Recent wedding my cousin brought his new GF of a few months (only to the afters) and she was glued to his side for the entire night, didn't talk to anyone else and wouldn't let him alone long enough to talk to us, which was really annoying. His brother brought his GF also of a few months and she was super out going and chatty with everyone. Guess which brother married his GF and which one broke up shortly after. Which one do you think your GF would be?

LegacyUser

Pretzill wrote: »

I haven't read all the replies and whereas I think your girlfriend over reacted I do think it's lax of an extremely close friend not to include a +1 on your invitation. If it was me and my other half wasn't invited I would politely decline the invitation. I find the few comments I read here to be disproportionate to the situation, please don't breakup with her over this, also it's expensive to be a guest at a wedding - you both could attend the afters or not go at all. Maybe it's just me but I find weddings extremely boring affairs, that drag on and being there without my partner would only add to that.

It's a bit complicated I guess about the +1:
I separated from my wife around the middle of last year. I have no doubt that he would have invited us both by name since he him and his fiancée were at my wedding. I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of my old friends (except 2 or 3 I actually still see at all) out of the blue about this and time went on and I guess he just heard about it from someone and presumed I'm single now other than just the few signs of new girlfriend the last few months ony social media. So I understand he may not have thought about whether I had any +1 to need an invitation for. Of course when I realized all this after getting the invite, that's when I texted him to ask what kind of room there is for a +1. I kept the question extremely light so as not to make him feel pressured, saying all the "totally understand if not" etc.

Weddings being a drag can be true, especially for me now having been separated from a marriage, it can be bittersweet rather than just sweet. But there's very little scope for me to decline the whole invite I think, and having her there willing and agreeable would have been much nicer.
I don't plan to just break up over this but I will see what she's willing to do now, maybe with that suggestion of both just going to the Afters part together. If she's still not able to be cool about that or doesn't show some kind of significant conciliatory craic then I'll really be thinking about checking out due to overall problems (this being close to a final straw I guess, if we can't get past it)

LegacyUser

Bishop Ripe Snake wrote: »

Your GF sounds like a spoilt brat.

Your friend hasn't invited her because he doesn't know her and has never met her. That's reasonable.

Don't push him to invite her or bring it up at his stags, while she's giving you a hard time remember she is not even remotely on your friend or his future wife's radar!

7 months into a relationship which sounds like a complete nightmare I think the wedding invitation is the least of your problems.

Unless you're happy to spend your life putting up with adult tantrums.

Okay, calm down. She's wrong about this and often some other stuff but hopefully you can see I'm capable of judging people's character and assessing whether I'll be happy spending my life doing one thing or another and whether my relationship is a "complete nightmare".

She's a pretty independent and resilient character in many ways but just gets way too sensitive and I guess lacks perspective with this kind of thing.
I appreciate people trying to give extra advice but remember this thread is about the single issue (invitation) and I couldn't convey the pros and cons of the whole relationship if I tried typing all day.
But thank you, yes, I didn't plan to be ruining the guys stag, I know him and he wouldn't have been phased even if I mentioned. Which I don't have to do.

lainey_d_123

testtestfeb2020b wrote: »

It's a bit complicated I guess about the +1:
I separated from my wife around the middle of last year. I have no doubt that he would have invited us both by name since he him and his fiancée were at my wedding. I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of my old friends (except 2 or 3 I actually still see at all) out of the blue about this and time went on and I guess he just heard about it from someone and presumed I'm single now other than just the few signs of new girlfriend the last few months ony social media. So I understand he may not have thought about whether I had any +1 to need an invitation for. Of course when I realized all this after getting the invite, that's when I texted him to ask what kind of room there is for a +1. I kept the question extremely light so as not to make him feel pressured, saying all the "totally understand if not" etc.

Weddings being a drag can be true, especially for me now having been separated from a marriage, it can be bittersweet rather than just sweet. But there's very little scope for me to decline the whole invite I think, and having her there willing and agreeable would have been much nicer.
I don't plan to just break up over this but I will see what she's willing to do now, maybe with that suggestion of both just going to the Afters part together. If she's still not able to be cool about that or doesn't show some kind of significant conciliatory craic then I'll really be thinking about checking out due to overall problems (this being close to a final straw I guess, if we can't get past it)

You separated from your wife in the middle of last year and you have a girlfriend of 7 months? So you have been seeing her pretty much the entire time since you've been separated? Was she involved in the separation?

I have a feeling there's a bit more to all of this than meets the eye, to be honest, OP.

SusieBlue

testtestfeb2020b wrote: »

It's a bit complicated I guess about the +1:
I separated from my wife around the middle of last year. I have no doubt that he would have invited us both by name since he him and his fiancée were at my wedding. I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of my old friends (except 2 or 3 I actually still see at all) out of the blue about this and time went on and I guess he just heard about it from someone and presumed I'm single now other than just the few signs of new girlfriend the last few months ony social media. So I understand he may not have thought about whether I had any +1 to need an invitation for. Of course when I realized all this after getting the invite, that's when I texted him to ask what kind of room there is for a +1. I kept the question extremely light so as not to make him feel pressured, saying all the "totally understand if not" etc.

Weddings being a drag can be true, especially for me now having been separated from a marriage, it can be bittersweet rather than just sweet. But there's very little scope for me to decline the whole invite I think, and having her there willing and agreeable would have been much nicer.
I don't plan to just break up over this but I will see what she's willing to do now, maybe with that suggestion of both just going to the Afters part together. If she's still not able to be cool about that or doesn't show some kind of significant conciliatory craic then I'll really be thinking about checking out due to overall problems (this being close to a final straw I guess, if we can't get past it)

I can't believe you'd be willing to miss the wedding of one of your only true friends to accommodate the unrealistic, chilidish notions of your new girlfriend.

Why would she want you to miss out on being there for your friend, even if she's a bit peeved she wasn't invited? It speaks volumes that she would be happy with such an arrangement.
Its not like they snubbed you wife of many years, she's new on the scene and hasn't even met them yet.
I would be extremely hurt if one of my friends missed my wedding because they were pandering to the whims of an outraged girlfriend, and it would make me seriously reconsider the friendship.
He will be insulted that you didn't make the effort for him.

A bit of perspective and rational thinking is needed here. Missing the ceremony and meal isn't a compromise, its giving in to her.

PerryMason2020

How long was there between your marriage ending and starting this relationship? Just wondering as the timeline sounds like it was soon enough after your marriage ended.

My 2c -
1. don't speak to the groom about this again - you know him and say he wouldn't have an issue with you talking to him about it, but he is planning a wedding and that usually tends to be stressful for even the most chilled of people.

2. go to the full wedding and be there for a friend who has been there for you, share in his happy day.

3. seriously re-consider continuing in a relationship with someone who behaves the way your girlfriend does. As another poster said, such behaviour usually only gets worse, not better.

4. if you got into a relationship with her quick enough after your marriage ended, you might want to think about taking some proper time out to process the end of that marriage.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Try to not to get defensive with posters, we are strangers calling it as we see it. Her behaviour reads bad, no two ways about it.

dmm82

Op, you say the groom is one of your oldest friends and that you really value his friendship etc, yet you are willing to miss his wedding ceremony because a girl you have been seeing for only a few months has thrown a strop? I think thats really unfair and I would be really upset if I was the groom. Good friends that you can rely on are hard to come by, especially as we get older and I really think you should have a bit more loyalty towards him.

Your girlfriend sounds like a nightmare, I understand that she may not understand how irish weddings work but the fact that she is making this all about her is a major red flag. I'm female and would never expect a new boyfriend to miss an old friends wedding because of me, especially when if I had the option of going to the evening part and the second day celebrations. She sounds spoilt and demanding and if you give into this behaviour now you will be doing it all the time.

Gwen Cooper

OP, obviously I don't know your girlfriend and I'm only going by what you told us, but I can't stop imagining what kind of company she'd be at the wedding. Sounds to me like she's the kind of person who'd cause a scene for not getting enough attention.

Look, you're just after getting out of your marriage, and looks like you've started seeing her very shortly after you and your wife separated. She might be insecure about being just a long-term rebound or a replacement, someone you just keep by your side until you get over the break-up. Maybe that's why she wants to feel included and be seen with you, so everyone knows that she's with you. But if that's the case, she should be able to tell you about it, and not flip out like this, you're not a mind reader.

I would personally go to the wedding by myself, it will help you getting your social life back on track a bit.

I live in a country where it would be absolutely absurd to not have a +1 or even +family. The last wedding I was at had colleagues and kids and all along for the ride. A bus to pick up whoever came along.

It does come down to culture. If she grew up where this would never happen, she'd take it as an insult. She may not fully understand how expensive each extra person is if she's from somewhere that is more communal eating and an extra person isn't a big deal.

It sounds over the top though so look at that aspect I suppose if it's a recurring issue. But it is definitely going to be hard living in another country and trying to feel part of it and be involved and then you don't get invited to a wedding as a plus one when your partner is a good friend.

secman

OP...just an observation have you applied for a pass for the stags , by the sounds of it you might encounter resistance on that ? That would be a pointer as to where the relationship is going ....

nthclare

Wedding aside, there's a lot of red flags popping up.
Reminds my gorgeous exe from Santiago in Chile.
She was absolutely stunning and definitely a 10 for looks. Great in bed, funny but could turn on a tuppence if she was triggered.
But all the attention seeking and anxiety broke down the relationship.
It was a similar thing to your own situation.

Many a good man and women stayed with someone who was beautifully made on the outside but nothing of depth in the inside.

Your call but make sure you are happy with the decision.

Emme

Deleted User wrote: »

I live in a country where it would be absolutely absurd to not have a +1 or even +family. The last wedding I was at had colleagues and kids and all along for the ride. A bus to pick up whoever came along.

It does come down to culture. If she grew up where this would never happen, she'd take it as an insult. She may not fully understand how expensive each extra person is if she's from somewhere that is more communal eating and an extra person isn't a big deal.

It sounds over the top though so look at that aspect I suppose if it's a recurring issue. But it is definitely going to be hard living in another country and trying to feel part of it and be involved and then you don't get invited to a wedding as a plus one when your partner is a good friend.

If it was a one off incident the OP could put it entirely down to culture but he said in his first post there have been problems over the last 7 months and he was afraid to mention the wedding for fear of how his GF would react. He mentioned that his GF had anxiety. OK but anger issues as well? Does he need this less than a year after his divorce?

If cultural issues cause major and recurring problems in a relationship that relationship is unlikely to go the distance unless BOTH parties make a conscious effort to overcome cultural differences.

Emme

Emme wrote: »

If it was a one off incident the OP could put it entirely down to culture but he said in his first post there have been problems over the last 7 months and he was afraid to mention the wedding for fear of how his GF would react. He mentioned that his GF had anxiety. OK but anger issues as well? Does he need this less than a year after his divorce?

If cultural issues cause major and recurring problems in a relationship that relationship is unlikely to go the distance unless BOTH parties make a conscious effort to overcome cultural differences.

Personally, if my SO wasn't invited to a close friend's wedding, I'd give my best and carry on with my life and continue my friendship with the groom or bride regardless of my attendance.

We only have one side of the story here and that's why this condemnation of the partner's actions might only be feeding a running issue.

That's why I tried to give context and not much else. It's too easy to imagine every OP is perfect. Maybe this is the final straw of something else, not that I'm suggesting that. I'm just saying we can't give overarching relationship advice willy nilly with the notion that OP is an absolute gent. We don't know how she feels or what has happened.

Thelonious Monk

Why does she even care? If I was the OP and I told my partner there was no plus 1, she wouldn't care, and vice versa, I'd be delighted not to have to go, but then she's never even hinted at being in the least bit dramatic about anything since I've known her.
Life is too short for gobsh*tes like this OP, it's just not worth it with these people.

ILoveYourVibes

If my partner wasn't invited to a wedding and we were dating 7 months i wouldn't go but that is just me.

On the other hand ...that is how friendships end ...so you need to know you are ending it.

Thelonious Monk

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Why does she even care? If I was the OP and I told my partner there was no plus 1, she wouldn't care, and vice versa, I'd be delighted not to have to go, but then she's never even hinted at being in the least bit dramatic about anything since I've known her.
Life is too short for gobsh*tes like this OP, it's just not worth it with these people.

Well in OP's own words, her not being included is a tired sore subject. I guess this is the climax of that.

Why does she feel that way?

salmocab

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If my partner wasn't invited to a wedding and we were dating 7 months i wouldn't go but that is just me.

On the other hand ...that is how friendships end ...so you need to know you are ending it.

They’ve never met the girlfriend and the OP assumed they knew based on his own social media not because he told his friend. To that couple she’s absolutely not on the radar at all because he kept her off it and now wants them to stump up for a dinner because she’s kicked off.

Thelonious Monk

Deleted User wrote: »

Well in OP's own words, her not being included is a tired sore subject. I guess this is the climax of that.

Why does she feel that way?

Because she's tapped and deeply insecure. Run a mile OP.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Well in OP's own words, her not being included is a tired sore subject. I guess this is the climax of that.

Why does she feel that way?

She's probably insecure due to the fact that he only recently separated the middle of last year and she needs to know and be reassured by actions (again and again) that he's serious about her above all else.

Do you have children OP? You mentioned she made a fuss about not being introduced to family etc?

ILoveYourVibes

salmocab wrote: »

They’ve never met the girlfriend and the OP assumed they knew based on his own social media not because he told his friend. To that couple she’s absolutely not on the radar at all because he kept her off it and now wants them to stump up for a dinner because she’s kicked off.

You would always usually say plus one on a wedding invite. Its unusual.

And if someone didn't invite my partner. I wouldn't go. They could either accept that or not.

Caranica

Even when I was married I was invited to two weddings solo on a table of girls where the bride and groom were having a small wedding and chose to have more of their friends rather than half the number of friends but with plus ones. My ex never minded.

I think your gf is way out of line OP and you absolutely should go to the full wedding, your friend has been there for you for a long time. To choose a gf of a few months over him would be very bad form.

ILoveYourVibes

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Because she's tapped and deeply insecure. Run a mile OP.

Or he really doesn't include her.

It kind of sounds like he is putting his friends that he hasn't seen in ten yrs before her.

Thelonious Monk

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Because she's tapped and deeply insecure. Run a mile OP.

If an OP includes the fact that this is an ongoing sore point, I think all advice to break up with her is null and void.

You could just be projecting your own approach to a relationship which is to include your partner, and the OP's partner sounds like a nightmare in comparison.

I'm not saying he is bad at relationships. I'm saying this conversation should be kept reasonable regarding the situation at hand.

We don't know.

meeeeh

I think your girlfriend is out of line and I think you should go alone. Don't bother bringing her to afters (I personally find afters insulting so I agree that much with her).

That being said you sound as someone who comes with a lot of baggage and avoids friends due to break up of marriage. I think some of her insecurities might be due to you.

ILoveYourVibes

OP if you had invested in the health of this relationship consistently from when it began. This drama might have been avoided.

Whatever you do now remember that going forward so it its less likely to happen again.

She will get over if you go without her. I personally wouldn't. But its up to you.

But this one incident isn't nearly as important as the whole relationship. If you choose not to go and STILL leave her out etc the relationship won't last and will just be full of drama.

This one wedding will pass. The work of a relationship is ongoing.

So go if want to. But don't make a fuss. Then probably in 3 weeks she will forget.

Then you have to evaluate how your half of the relationship (what you put in) can be improved.

If you still feel uncomfortable or she does when you think you are giving it your all and including her ...that is another issue.

salmocab

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You would always usually say plus one on a wedding invite. Its unusual.

And if someone didn't invite my partner. I wouldn't go. They could either accept that or not.

I didn’t, a couple of single mates just got invited for themselves. I went to a good few weddings on my own without a plus one invite including one just after I got with my now wife and didn’t bat an eyelid about the invites.

I doubt the couple care if a bloke who didn’t even tell them he was with someone new and doesn’t seem to keep in touch decided not to go.