Dumped at 43

LegacyUser

Hi all, I am just writing this to get it off my chest, I hope some people can give me some good advice.

I am 43 years old, Irish but live in London. I was married for 8 years with two kids when I discovered my wife was having an affair. Our relationship was on and off for the next while, but she eventually left in November 2017. I never gave up hope of fixing things before she went. Anyway, she is gone and I am glad. I lost weight, I got into some great new hobbies, I have felt good about myself. When she was having the affair, I threatened to divorce on the grounds of adultery. She begged me not to, saying that she didn't want it on the public records in case future generations would look at it etc. Also, my solicitor said it was too raw to do it immediately. Wait for two years so we would be in our normal strides when the time came to do it.

I am still in what was the family home, and I have the kids on a 50:50 basis. Alternating 2,2,3 blocks.

In May of last year, through Bumble, I met a girl six years younger than me, never married with no kids. She has been amazing. We have spent time together, been on holidays, she challenges me intellectually. The sex has been amazing, the best I have ever had.

From early on, she was pushing me for commitment, asking for confirmation that I wasn't on more bumble dates, saying that I should call her my girlfriend, introducing me to her parents.

The past seven months have required a bit of planning, in terms of me balancing my childcare commitments with her. She met my 5yo son twice on his own, and I organised a day out for her and both my kids, my daughter is 9. My daughter essentially blanked her, and then was sick so I took them home early. This left my new girlfriend very upset as she had an amazing experience in mind.

So, we have done lots of things together. When I haven't had the kids, we stay together. We have been away on holidays, one 10 days, one 3. We had holidays planned for the future.

On one occasion, she asked about my divorce. I said that I thought that my ex-wife would initiate it in November, but asked her to be mindful that when we get divorced, I will definitely lose my home and may have less access to my kids so it is a big step for me to initiate.

November came and went with no news from my ex.

Two weeks ago, my new girlfriend and I went to a show on a Wednesday then stayed at my house. Into work on Thursday and then stayed at her house. She was discussing getting a new picture frame to put a picture of the two of us into.

On Friday we kissed, said goodbye, I had the kids on Friday night. I spoke to her at about 5pm, all grand, then on Friday evening she texted saying she can't believe that I am still married. I wasn't able to go to her as I had the kids, but she was down all weekend on our calls.

On Monday, when I got to her house, she said she can see no future for us and broke it off.

I have been devastated.

I went back to her on Sunday and spoke for four hours. Her reasoning is everywhere. She sees that divorces in the UK take a year and she isn't prepared to wait that time. She can't see a future where she is in a relationship with me, and while she is prepared to have a relationship with my kids, she doesn't want one where my ex is involved. Where I have to ask permission to take them overseas.

So she said that there is a distinction between taking a break and breaking up. And we are taking a break. I have been unable to concentrate on anything. Everything is reminding me of her. I am getting tight chest symptoms. I am hoping she sees the error of her ways and we get back together. But wonder if I can trust her as she was so positive while harbouring all these doubts.

Sorry for the long rant. I would love to hear what people think.

Neyite

I'm sorry but I would say cut your losses, there's red flags all over this.


She wants no relationship with you, but you aren't' broken up, but she wants one with your kids, except their mother is not to be involved? eh, she does NOT get to decide those kind of things. You, the kids, your ex, you are kind of a package deal and she knew that going in. A grown adult has no business having a relationship with unrelated children without their parental input or knowledge. The way she expected your daughter to instantly adore her or something ...It's got weird written all over it.


She also knew you were still technically married going in as well. So that text was disingenuous. Your situation is tricky yes, but nothing that anyone who thinks you are worth it would throw away. It sounds like she's desperate to settle down and have a family of her own, you looked like great dad material so were a good option for her. But your timeframe isnt one she's prepared to wait for and your kids aren't her practice babies until she has her own.


I know you are hurting now but she sounds worryingly intense.

Mortelaro

The doubts seem normal to me, they'd have been brought up eventually
Its an understandably tough one for you but for her aswell
She might long for the exclusivity that you can't give her
She may also want kids of her own and has at the back of her mind that sticking with you would delay that until its too late, have you discussed that and do you want more kids?

Also I would be thinking that the bond if its not strong enough to discuss the have your own kids thing or strong enough to get over the obvious always there Co parental relationship you have with your estranged wife then it's a wake up call

Why is the house important to you, why are you delaying dealing with that and the divorce because that delay is ultimately what's driving your 2nd relationship over the cliff
You should decide what's most important to you and in what order and surf the fall out until ill you land at the beach

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

I'm sorry but I would say cut your losses, there's red flags all over this.


She wants no relationship with you, but you aren't' broken up, but she wants one with your kids, except their mother is not to be involved? eh, she does NOT get to decide those kind of things. You, the kids, your ex, you are kind of a package deal and she knew that going in. A grown adult has no business having a relationship with unrelated children without their parental input or knowledge. The way she expected your daughter to instantly adore her or something ...It's got weird written all over it.


She also knew you were still technically married going in as well. So that text was disingenuous. Your situation is tricky yes, but nothing that anyone who thinks you are worth it would throw away. It sounds like she's desperate to settle down and have a family of her own, you looked like great dad material so were a good option for her. But your timeframe isnt one she's prepared to wait for and your kids aren't her practice babies until she has her own.


I know you are hurting now but she sounds worryingly intense.

Thanks for the response, but I didn't mean that she wanted the relationship with the kids without me. She is happy to have a relationship with them, but I think she is worried about getting too close, given how their mother is.

When she and I were early in our relationship, a friend of mine with a Swedish wife invited me and the kids to come to Sweden with them. They had a place for us to stay, kids of similar ages. My ex-wife said she wasn't happy for us to go on account of all the water in Sweden. Lots of islands, apparently. I think it was jealously from the ex, but the girlfriend who has just dumped me said she didn't want to have holidays and things curtailed by having to get permission from their mother, which will be unreasonably withheld.

LegacyUser

Mortelaro wrote: »

The doubts seem normal to me, they'd have been brought up eventually
Its an understandably tough one for you but for her aswell
She might long for the exclusivity that you can't give her
She may also want kids of her own and has at the back of her mind that sticking with you would delay that until its too late, have you discussed that and do you want more kids?

Also I would be thinking that the bond if its not strong enough to discuss the have your own kids thing or strong enough to get over the obvious always there Co parental relationship you have with your estranged wife then it's a wake up call

Why is the house important to you, why are you delaying dealing with that and the divorce because that delay is ultimately what's driving your 2nd relationship over the cliff
You should decide what's most important to you and in what order and surf the fall out until ill you land at the beach

Thanks for the advice, it is good to read and you are right that it is natural for her to feel as she does.

I did say to her that I would be prepared to have kids with her if we are in the right place. I said we could just work out where we need to be to have them and set towards it. I love being a father and could think of nothing better than a loving relationship with a soulmate and more children between us. She agreed, but said it takes a year to divorce in the UK if it is simple and the thought of she and I having a child when I am still married makes her feel sick.

As regards the house, it is where I live. It is mortgaged, I bought it, paid all the mortgage to date. When I sell up, I will have to give my ex at least half the proceeds from the sale. As it is in London, I won't be able to afford to buy again. I bought it in 2010 for £250k, it is now worth £600k as mortgage outstanding is £200k. I can't get as long a mortgage due to my age. I am paying about £900 a month in mortgage payments at the moment and to rent something similar will be twice that.

Then there's also the childcare order which will follow a divorce. I have my children 7 nights in every 14. A family court could rule that I get them 5. That means I have to rent somewhere with 3 bedrooms for £1,800 and rarely use them the rest of the time.

I have nobody else here in London, my family are all at home, I have good friends, but they are all still married. The guys say how lucky I am, going on dates, nobody to ask when I want to go out on my free nights. But it's tough.

This girlfriend represented a way to love and stability for me. I am crushed. I just thought that our feelings for each other would be sufficient to overcome anything separate to our core relationship.

Jurgen Klopp

Madeupname99 wrote: »

She sees that divorces in the UK take a year and she isn't prepared to wait that time. She can't see a future where she is in a relationship with me, and while she is prepared to have a relationship with my kids, she doesn't want one where my ex is involved. Where I have to ask permission to take them overseas.

Ok I have to ask this. It reads like she isn't from the UK? What country is she from? As I'll be honest could it be shes after getting married for residency?

But if it's not that she sounds like a complete head wreck. She keeps asking you about the divorce but isn't prepared to wait the time it takes regardless...

So what the fcuk is she talking about so?

AckwelFoley

As Neyite said. Red flags all over the shop with this one. Shes in a hurry because of her age. She may want kids herself and may want to move things along. Your circumstances are your circimstances. She knew the baggage when she started -( I should choose a better world for.your ex and children but I'm sure you understand my point )

Often it is best to meet someone in an similar position as yourself, they tend to be more understanding and less emotionally insecure about the fact you might have to talk to the woman that gave birth to your kids


All the best

Bobtheman

Your life is complicated. If she wants to continue with you she will have to meet you half way. Give her space. Write her a letter. Yes write.
Be clear you see a future together. Be positive.
State what you love about her.
Then leave it up to her to contact you after that.

She doesn't understand why you are not divorced when you have split from your wife.
I think that's fair enough..
She wants a relationship with you & your children. She wants it to be stable & set in stone. Eg, you have your kids for certain times & certain holidays Evey year.
I don't see anything wrong with that?
She will know she is included & know exactly where she & you & your family stands.
I don't see anything unreasonable in what she is asking?

strandroad

Madeupname99 wrote: »

I am hoping she sees the error of her ways and we get back together. But wonder if I can trust her as she was so positive while harbouring all these doubts.

What is the error of her ways? You are a married man. She is clearly attached to you, but she doesn't want to be with a married man, as is her right. You are not going to initiate the divorce yourself which is a sign in itself, you're relying on your wife to do it - she gave it a fair chance to happen in November but it never did. She gave it two extra months but it probably became clear to her that you will remain married for as long as you can. Even if she believes you to be truthful it's an extremely trying situation.

If you prefer to remain married because of practicalities it's fair enough but it is unfair to expect any new partners to commit to you.

JustAThought

A lot of the final points you make ate based on practicalities and status - you wont be able to afford a similar house /area but yet you love this other woman, have amazing sex snd she makes you happy . If love is what you ultimately want with a fantastic, sexy woman you love who wants to be part of your childrens lives then what will be enough for you to act? Your g/f does not want to be second fiddle to you kow-towing to your wife for the rest of your relationship together, and it looks like she has realised you will chose the easy route snd appeasing your wife rather than her needs and wishes in the future. Why should she stay for thus?You need to sort out your newly aligned priorities and who comes first -your almost ex wife who dumped you or your g/f of 2/3 years. Nobody wants to live their life as another womans doormat -particularly if the man they are standing up for snd choosing to create a new life with does not see them and their relationship as a priority.

osarusan

She is looking for a level of stability that your divorce would enable, and she probably feels the relationship is not progressing towards that stability at all.

And that reaching that level of stability is not something you seem to prioritise.

I think that's all pretty reasonable to be honest. What I think is unreasonable, or unrealistic maybe, is the extent to which she perceives the divorce as removing your ex from you life and the lives of your children. The kids' mother is always going to be involved at some points.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. There are a lot of truths and tough love, which is what I came to look for.

I can't believe what I fool I have been, I should have divorced two years ago. I have genuinely let something with the potential of being wonderful and lifelong slip through my fingers on account of laziness and inertia.

I emailed my ex-wife yesterday and said we must divorce . She has asked what the rush is.

All my fears about stability and my relationship with the kids are coming to the fore, but I can't live over a barrel. They will have to be addressed some time.

While the girl who has recently broken up with me has been the catalyst for me to make this decision, I don't want to make her think it is an attempt to win her back.

Part of me thinks she is running from something because she knows it could be so good. She seems to have run most of her life. She has had a very different life, lived all round the world for a couple of years at a time, and has finally settled in London, buying a flat in January of last year.

I genuinely think one reason she is getting out now because if she stays with me longer, the emotional ties will be too great to run from.

But nothing else seems to make sense to me now. The kids, the home, my job. I could happily sack the lot off.

stargazer 68

'I went back to her on Sunday and spoke for four hours. Her reasoning is everywhere. She sees that divorces in the UK take a year and she isn't prepared to wait that time. She can't see a future where she is in a relationship with me, and while she is prepared to have a relationship with my kids, she doesn't want one where my ex is involved. Where I have to ask permission to take them overseas'

I think some posters have missed the piece above. She can't have a relationship where your ex is not involved while you have young children - you will always need to be in touch with her with regards to them and that includes going on holidays. You need to make that clear to her if you are going to move forward with this relationship.

Mortelaro

She's going against the norm in all of these cases
My advice is to pick yourself up and move on
Use the experience you've gained that got you into a new relationship to woo someone else
Obviously you've got something
Her loss
It's your life,don't be wasting it

meeeeh

This might be cruel but at the moment you come with an awful lot of baggage. You are not divorced, there is no idea what your future living arrangements will be, what financial obligations will you have and it seems you don't have best relationship with your wife. It is naive to think that any woman will quietly wait for you to sort out your affairs. You told her the divorce proceedings will start in November but to me it seems you are hoping they never start because current custody arrangements and living arrangements suit you. Which is fine but it makes it very hard for any new woman to find any certainty her relationship with you. She is 37 (I presume) and if she wants kids she doesn't have time to wait for you to move on from previous relationship.

There might have been some red flags in this relationship (I'm not so sure) but unless you find someone who wants very casual relationship nobody will be staying with you long in that kind of limbo. I'm not saying it's your fault but if you want serious relationships you will have to finalize your divorce.

strandroad

Madeupname99 wrote: »

I emailed my ex-wife yesterday and said we must divorce . She has asked what the rush is.

All my fears about stability and my relationship with the kids are coming to the fore, but I can't live over a barrel. They will have to be addressed some time.

While the girl who has recently broken up with me has been the catalyst for me to make this decision, I don't want to make her think it is an attempt to win her back.

Perhaps it's for the best OP. You now have the chance to put your life in order, clean up your legal situation and then when you're ready focus on meeting someone on even ground, without making them compromise so much. It was surely convenient and comforting to have the best bits of both your old and your new life but it wouldn't leave space for anything serious if that's what you are looking for.

charlietheminxx

Yeah if your girlfriend is 37 and wants commitment and children with you, she hasn't got an indefinite amount of time to wait for you to sort things out. She probably feels that if you want the same things, you'd be making some plan to settle down but now she's cutting her losses.

It's also interesting that while factoring in your housing budget, you excluded her from your calculations. Did you not think about/discuss living together? I think she was more committed than you, I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like you were having your cake and eating it.

Stateofyou

The powerful reactions you are having to this split is showing that the relationship and future with her is extremely important to you.
As other's have said, she's actually being reasonable in her feelings and fears.
I have a few friends/family members who are in step parent and blended family situations. When the mother especially (because they tend to have a lot of control over the children) is a battle axe in this regard, it causes huge problems and can suck the joy and peace out of the lives of all involved. It's easy for others to say "she knew what she was getting into," and yes to an extent she did. But then experience is a great teacher and now all the ways in which it would impact her life negatively have been revealed. And if you aren't presenting as someone who is able to get a handle or control on that, it would rightly give anyone pause and have a massive think.

Initiate the divorce yourself. Don't tell/ask your (ex-wife), just do it. She doesn't need a reason or an explanation, especially after her actions it's obvious. It's time to move on. For the sake of a smooth start on that process, maybe just say it's time to move on.

Initiate mediation or a negotiation between solicitors depending on how your parenting relationship is. Get an agreement for holidays with your children. She isn't allowed to dictate when/where you go beyond agreements rubber stamped by mediation/the court. This will give your new partner a huge lift in security. And shows her you will take the bull by the horns so to speak, and not be controlled.

Ask her how she would feel about moving forward with you once the divorce is initiated, and there is presumably a legal separation in the meantime?

How will your house shake out in the divorce? Can you sell after the last child is 18 and cross that bridge when it comes, using the sale profit (of which it seems to be quite large) for a significant downpayment and small mortgage on a new place?

It's great ye talked for 4 hours on the one night, which shows she is willing to engage with you to hopefully hash all these future plans out. Take charge and take your future happiness in your own hands by confronting this head on and sorting it out. Either way that can only be a good thing. Good luck!

IHeartShoes

Madeupname99 wrote: »

.

As regards the house, it is where I live. It is mortgaged, I bought it, paid all the mortgage to date. When I sell up, I will have to give my ex at least half the proceeds from the sale. As it is in London, I won't be able to afford to buy again. I bought it in 2010 for £250k, it is now worth £600k as mortgage outstanding is £200k. I can't get as long a mortgage due to my age. I am paying about £900 a month in mortgage payments at the moment and to rent something similar will be twice that.

Then there's also the childcare order which will follow a divorce. I have my children 7 nights in every 14. A family court could rule that I get them 5. That means I have to rent somewhere with 3 bedrooms for £1,800 and rarely use them the rest of the time.

Have you sought legal advice here? The above is not as black and white as you describe unless it is going to be very contentious. If you already have an agreement in place regarding access, then can't that be carried over into the divorce? The judge will only make orders where the parents cannot agree. It doesn't necessarily take a year for a divorce in the UK. It can take alot longer if very contentious and if it's straightforward, it can take a matter of weeks. My friend's divorce took 5 weeks, no kids involved but there was a family home. My own took a year, but thats because my ex husband was slow in responding to my solicitor.

You could have started proceedings immediately citing irreconcilable differences as the reason with no reference to adultery. If your wife is not willing to start proceedings, then you can. That might go some way towards satisfying your partner.

I do hope it works out the way you want it to.

S

LegacyUser

As a single woman, I would not get involved with a man in your situation no matter how crazy I was about him. Having an ex-wife is one thing. Still being married is a whole other! Especially if the person in question didn't seem all that bothered about initiating proceedings.

You need to think about the long term repercussions of remaining married. I'm talking about the financial and legal obligations and responsibilities you owe to each other as a married couple.

As you're still legally tied to her, you need to think about taxes, next of kin issues, medical decisions, can she take under your will/on intestacy? I don't know what the law is in England with regard to the above issues, but if I were you I would be making an appointment with an family law solicitor and getting some advice. Proper legal advice, OP. Not "my friend said this/my brother said that/I read on the internet..." nonsense, but proper advice from someone who is actually qualified to give it, has studied it, works in that practice area etc.

As regards your girlfriend/or ex girlfriend, well that's for you to figure out, but her comment about not wanting your wife involved is a bit wack. She's the mother of your children, she's going nowhere for the rest of your children's' lives.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. It is refreshing to know that people who don't know are giving their time to offer opinions to help me.

I have been in touch with the solicitor to get the divorce wheels rolling again. I have an appointment next Thursday.

I've also made an appointment to start seeing a mental health counsellor, although that won't start until 14th February.

I think that my response to the breakup of this relationship has been so extreme because I am aware of how precarious my situation is and I can't rely on anything in my life. She was a hope, a constant. And I am not sure what to fall back on.

@Stateofyou, I think I can apply for an order to keep the family home until the youngest child is 18. All the kids doctors, schools etc are registered to there. But the home was an issue with the recent girlfriend. She said she would never move into a home which I had formed my marriage, had kids etc with my ex-wife. There are a lot of my ex-wife's clothes still here, the living room has wallpaper which she chose. When there has been reason for her to come round, which happens every couple of months or so, she walks in as if she owns the place. I think it might be the best idea to leave and get it all behind me.

@charlietheminxx A good point, I am looking at finances as a single man, rather than thinking of what she and I could have together. We each have our own places, she just bought hers a year ago. But, you are right. If this is my soulmate forever, I should be looking at it in that light rather than me as a single guy paying all the bills. Incidentally, when I was married, I paid all the bills. My wife never agreed to joint accounts, I paid the mortgage, the car, the Sky bill etc. She earned less than me, but also would buy handbags, hats, coats, perfume while I counted every penny and shopped at Penneys or TK Maxx, and only where necessary

All I can do is let my recent girlfriend know I am still here. She has a job interview today and I texted her this morning to wish her the best with it, but she hasn't responded. I am considering a Valentine card.

LegacyUser

Sorry, the above was supposed to say that people who don't know me are taking the time to offer opinions to help me. It now looks a bit sarcastic, which wasn't my intention. I can't make an edit, and I am often replaying and it can be a while before the reply is seen, which can derail things as well.

I have been on Boards since 2016 and some people know me IRL. In addition it will be good when I get over this in whichever way I do, not to look at in my post history. This anonymous poster will cease to exist as my mental states gets to somewhere else than it is today.

I very much appreciate your advice, although some of it has been disheartening.

Thank you.

Stateofyou

Madeupname99 wrote: »

@Stateofyou, I think I can apply for an order to keep the family home until the youngest child is 18. All the kids doctors, schools etc are registered to there. But the home was an issue with the recent girlfriend. She said she would never move into a home which I had formed my marriage, had kids etc with my ex-wife. There are a lot of my ex-wife's clothes still here, the living room has wallpaper which she chose. When there has been reason for her to come round, which happens every couple of months or so, she walks in as if she owns the place. I think it might be the best idea to leave and get it all behind me.

All I can do is let my recent girlfriend know I am still here. She has a job interview today and I texted her this morning to wish her the best with it, but she hasn't responded. I am considering a Valentine card.

Nice work man! Bet that feels great to get it rolling.

With regards to your house and also tying in what the other poster 'get legal advice' said, I wonder if all these ways your "ex" wife is still enmeshed in your life is the basis for the comment about not wanting your ex involved in your lives. I'd reckon that after you get some better boundaries and legal processes in place, it would go a long way.

Speaking of boundaries, is your ex wife legally entitled to still enter your home? I think a firm boundary needs to be put there. She shouldn't be able to just walk into your home any longer, locks should be changed, and she should only ever be there by invitation only. No way could your gf ever picture a future there when your ex-wife could just stroll as if she's entitled to be there any time she likes. If you don't sell the house right away, what about peeling off that wallpaper, and inviting your partner to choose one she likes? How about start a Pinterest account that you both add ideas to for re-decorating your (hopefully future) home together? As you say though it may be best just to aim for a fresh start.

Clothes need to absolutely be packed up in boxes along with anything else still around and arrange for your ex to collect or drop off with the kids on the next handover.

Do you have a custody order in place or is it just an informal arrangement? Wondering if you currently have a legal structure to when/where you take the children on holidays.

If it were me I would invite your gf to dinner and have a chat about the new direction you're headed now and get her input on potential next steps in building a life together, and what she's most comfortable with. Have a good think yourself about what you can and can't live with and what you hope to happen. That way you're moving forward in a direction you want to go even if it didn't include your gf.

Valentines day... go all out for this one. A card is nice - and maybe another gesture too that show her she's special to you. Sounds like she deserves a big effort at this stage tbh

LegacyUser

Madeupname99 wrote: »

She was a hope, a constant. And I am not sure what to fall back on.

There are a lot of my ex-wife's clothes still here, the living room has wallpaper which she chose. When there has been reason for her to come round, which happens every couple of months or so, she walks in as if she owns the place.

All I can do is let my recent girlfriend know I am still here. She has a job interview today and I texted her this morning to wish her the best with it, but she hasn't responded. I am considering a Valentine card.

Couple of things:

1. Your ex-wife is far too present in your existence. Definitely get things moving on the divorce front and make a clean break. If you do sell the home you own now, and look to buy or rent elsewhere, then your ex-wife needs to know that she cannot walk in like she owns the place. Boundaries need to be put in place and adhered to.

2. Leave the ex-girlfriend alone and for the love of God do not send a card! You don't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship yet. You come across as too emotionally dependent on your ex-girlfriend. I wonder is she just filling a void left by your ex-wife. If I were you, I would take a break from dating. Focus on getting your life, your mental health, your emotional health in order and then look again at getting out and dating.

You say you don't know what to fall back on. Well, OP, you fall back on yourself. You rely on yourself. You are your constant - people will come and go in our lives, we only ever really have ourselves.

Honeydew3456

Madeupname99 wrote: »

Part of me thinks she is running from something because she knows it could be so good. She seems to have run most of her life. She has had a very different life, lived all round the world for a couple of years at a time.

But nothing else seems to make sense to me now. The kids, the home, my job. I could happily sack the lot off.

Yeah I doubt she is running from anything, reckon she is emotionally mature and living her best life.

Wow...your kids, your job and your home can sack off because you have feelings for the first woman that came along since you have been seperated. Maybe leave the dating alone for a while and concentrate on therapy. Become an independent not a codependent man first, then you might have something of substance to offer the single women that don't have family and/or ex wife commitments.

facehugger99

Madeupname99 wrote: »

But nothing else seems to make sense to me now. The kids, the home, my job. I could happily sack the lot off.

You could happily 'sack your kids off'?

Jesus - get some perspective and reevaluate your priorities.

Xterminator

Stateofyou wrote: »

Speaking of boundaries, is your ex wife legally entitled to still enter your home? I think a firm boundary needs to be put there. She shouldn't be able to just walk into your home any longer, locks should be changed, and she should only ever be there by invitation only. No way could your gf ever picture a future there when your ex-wife could just stroll as if she's entitled to be there any time she likes.

Er no on that one. You would do much better to stick with the law on this one.

if her name is on the deeds/mortgage, its her house as much as his legally. Changing the locks to deny of the homeowners access is a VERY bad idea & can only be done legally in very specific situations. It is the family home and until the divorce is settled, remains so.

https://www.onlydads.org/information/can-i-change-the-locks-on-my-house-to-keep-my-ex-from-wandering-in

achmairt

She's probably hurting as much as you. She can see down the road that things are not going to change and she will be a spare part in your relationship for years to come. I can't see why you haven't initiated divorce proceedings - how long does it take to get you to make the move as it looks like your ex wife is not going to do it. Therefore, you are not a free man and she's not getting any younger. You're lucky that she has no problem with your kids staying over etc . Yes, write her that letter but you can't just expect her to go back to the same situation year after year.

LegacyUser

So, some updates. On Sunday, she texted me with some fairly banal messages. Something about rugby which I didn't really respond. Then about a job she is applying for. Once I started to respond, she dried up.

During the week, I wrote the letter, put my heart into it. She read it, texted me, thanked me for it, said it was beautifully written and made her cry.

She said she has a letter in her for me, but doesn't feel she is ready to write it yet.

She said she misses me.

I wrote back and said that she didn't need to miss me, she could invite me to her and I would come. She said no as she has been up since the crack of dawn, is annoyed with work and was out at her regular Thursday night volunteering when I texted back.

I had considered a Valentines card, but I am thinking now I might have rolled my last dice with the letter. How many times can she say no? If I keep pushing, do I push her away? She knows I want to make another go of it. I have bared my soul to her in the letter.

As time goes on, i recognise that it is getting easier, some of my earlier posts were OTT. But I would just love to spend one more weekend with her.



Separate to the recent relationship, I went to the solicitor yesterday who has given me some great advice as regards getting divorced and I can see a way forward in that. I don't want the recent girlfriend to think that I am divorcing just on her behalf, it is like a weight off my shoulders to think it could be over with by the end of the year, as the solicitor advised.

LegacyUser

achmairt wrote: »

She's probably hurting as much as you. She can see down the road that things are not going to change and she will be a spare part in your relationship for years to come. I can't see why you haven't initiated divorce proceedings - how long does it take to get you to make the move as it looks like your ex wife is not going to do it. Therefore, you are not a free man and she's not getting any younger. You're lucky that she has no problem with your kids staying over etc . Yes, write her that letter but you can't just expect her to go back to the same situation year after year.

I had expected my ex-wife to initiate in November. Which she didn't. My girlfriend had been awaiting that as well. December was busy. She then finished with me on 20th Jan.

Having gone back to my solicitor this week, she told me that I was completely correct in having waited two years before looking to get divorced.

I haven't been living like a married man. I understand there is a lot of uncertainty surrounding my personal situation, but I was emotionally there for her.

charlietheminxx

Madeupname99 wrote: »

I had expected my ex-wife to initiate in November. Which she didn't. My girlfriend had been awaiting that as well. December was busy. She then finished with me on 20th Jan.

Having gone back to my solicitor this week, she told me that I was completely correct in having waited two years before looking to get divorced.

I haven't been living like a married man. I understand there is a lot of uncertainty surrounding my personal situation, but I was emotionally there for her.

The problem with this, and it's something you don't seem to have fully grasped yet, is that it wasn't and isn't enough for her. She wanted to plan a future, you weren't moving forward. She might be willing to try again if she sees that has changed but if she doesn't then I think you need to let her go, to be honest.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Probably my last post on this. Things get a bit out of sync when going anon as a mod has to read it before putting it up.

I just want to say thanks to everyone because I faced some dark times over this and the people on this thread were often a ray of light. It is a truly charitable act to take the time to spell things out to someone who is too caught up in a problem which they can't see a way through. Tough love, hand holding, kick up the arse. It all helped.

By way of an update, I was invited round by the girlfriend last night. I told her my update with the solicitor etc, but told her that this is something which is entirely being done for me, not for her, not for anyone else.

I laid my heart on the line in terms of my feelings for her, and how badly I felt when I was apart from her. I also corrected her on a few things she had said to me in the weeks prior, which I thought were unfair or inaccurate. She had accused me of not taking major events in her life seriously enough, and I spoke to her about them last night with a level of detail that made her realise that I had paid them a great deal of attention, when she had told me, and thought since.

Where we now are is that we agree that our relationship has moved back from where it was prior to the split, but the grounds are there to go forwards. And to go forwards in a different way. Not unquestioningly be 100% in each other's pockets this time, more open and honest about feelings and fears.

We had a bit of a kiss, but no sex, and I left after three hours. I have agreed to go back round and talk some more on Wednesday, and then to do something fun on Friday night for Valentine's together and enjoy each other's company instead of talking seriously for a third night.

I do agree with the posters on here who have told me that my reaction was not normal. To try to get me over the breakup, I had booked a series of six counselling sessions through my work health insurance policy. The first is due to start on Friday and, while I am feeling much more positive now, I will still go. I will talk through everything with the counsellor, try to get some insight as to why I reacted the way that I did. I think it might be some delayed trauma from my initial marriage breakup as well as issues with unhappiness at work, and an impending sense of doom from mid-life crisis / seeing my parents get older and less able. When I have had counselling in the past, I have always loved it.

But things look good. I have my divorce in train, the chance to build something with the girlfriend again, and springtime is on the way.

Thank you all for your input.