Deal breakers and turn-off's in dating!

Widdershins

If they were authoritarian, but especially if they see themselves as liberal but act illiberally. I can't deal with the kind of person who tries to censor or correct my views. Totally different to debate or stimulating conversation.

Or, if thryre an incel type with a misogynist streak.

I went on a first date with someone I didn't know from Adam. I told 3 people who I was going with, where, and I got 3 check-up texts that evening. The only time I looked at my phone was to reply to those. He asked "who knows youre with me?" (A bit creepy in itself). I said like alot of women I take sensible precautions if I meet someone new. "Why? Men can get attacked by women too" he pouted. (Towering two ft taller and broader than me..but...I won't start a row by going into the nitty gritty of his comment...) "You could always let a friend know where youre going and with whom" I said. Him: "er...um...ah...I dont really know any..friends..." . I can't imagine why.

And if theyre very ambitious and wealth oriented they'd be mismatched with me. I like a work ethic in a man (or woman). I just don't have any grand lifestyle aspirations.
Utter laziness sloveliness and lack of any self discipline at all is equally a deal breaker. I hate to see all the potential in a healthy life being squandered by festering in front of tv or in a pub or whatever lazy people do. And theyd probably find me uptight. Its all about compatibility and perspective, I guess.

Widdershins

Do deal breakers apply to friends?
Or would you be more relaxed and understanding with the habits and attitudes of friends?

Is it just me or is it as if people are a bit perfectionist and unforgiving with people who are potential dating partners ?

Princess Calla

Obvious Desperate Breakfasts wrote: »

Ahh, would you not talk to him about this? It sounds like it’s a big source of resentment, to be honest.

Every single member of his family is on his case. His mother on her death bed made him promise to learn.

I have never put pressure on him to learn. If he ended up in an accident I'd never forgive myself.

The points I was making just because you can survive happily as a singleton not needing a car doesn't mean you can survive your whole life with that attitude. I do believe it's easier to learn when you are younger.

He's lucky I don't drink, but if you enjoyed a few glasses of wine at dinner or a couple of pints at an event but your whole future is now mapped out as a driver never a drinker it would take its toll.

Yes there are taxis but when you've a few kids hanging out of you and all their "stuff" the game changes.

Resentment isn't the right term, I don't know what is.

However when you know you're the one that will be doing the supermarket shopping each week, you'll be the one in ikea wrangling wardrobes into the car, you'll be the one picking up paint in the hardware, you'll be the one at the kids parties, you'll be the one at football matches, while I actually don't mind doing any of the above knowing he'll never once be able to say you stay at home I'll go or we'll ever be able to split a long car journey is a pain in the hole.

completedit

ITT: Interests are only legitimate if they are fun and instagramable. Don’t dare be into politics or talk about it because I’ve seen your opinions already.

Earthhorse

Leg End Reject wrote: »

I can drive.

Please form an orderly queue.

Great stuff.

I've a few dates lined up this week and this'll save me waiting on the bus.

Ficheall

Raconteuse wrote: »

That's the case with so many of the examples here.

No it wouldn't be a dealbreaker if someone is very attractive to you but looks a certain way in a photograph or has a biog that says something completely innocuous or they work in one of the Big 4, or they went backpacking.

People are mixing up things they find annoying/stereotypes that aren't always true... with dealbreakers in a potential partner.

Title also says "turn-offs". (Incidentally, why is "turn-offs" hyphenated and "deal breakers" isn't?)


As to the bio thing, it's the laziness and lack of creativity that bothers me. If you are initiating contact and have to come up with an original message based on someone's profile, it's very difficult to do if their profile is completely devoid of anything remotely comment-worthy.

Johnny Sausage

if their bio on tinder etc is any of the following "..." " x " "ask me" "will fill this in later lol"

Floppybits

Poor_old_gill wrote: »

Turn-offs:

Seems like a hunzo

What's a hunzo?

SusieBlue

I actually realised last night I've been somewhat self sabotaging myself lately, and I don't know if I'm actively trying to find faults in people, or if I'm just being prudent about not wasting my own time :pac:

Case in example, I was talking to a guy most of last week who seemed really great. He was just my type, nice, funny, and easy to talk to.
We had made loose plans to meet soon, when I made the mistake of looking up his social media.
All the pictures he used on Tinder were a minimum of 8yrs old and without being overly harsh, he didn't look great in his more recent ones. The ones on the app were not an accurate portrayal of how he currently looks at all.
He had also shared a lot of anti-repeal stuff in the run up to the abortion ref last year and at that point I knew there would be no point in even continuing to speak to him, as that's a massive dealbreaker for me.
I was really disappointed, but also a bit relieved I hadn't taken the time to meet him in person as I'd have been completely wasting my time.

Its happened with other guys recently too. A lot of them were using extremely old photos, one claimed to be 5'10 but was shorter in a photo than an acquaintence who I know is shorter than me (I'm 5'5) , one was an avid supporter of fox hunting (no thank you), and another was posting passive agressive statuses b*tching about his ex. All dealbreakers.

I mean, in a way, I'm glad I did the digging cause it revealed dealbreakers that would have come up at a later date and I'd have just been wasting my time. But at the same time I don't know am I spoiling things for myself by even looking because I inevitably end up finding something I don't like!
Its a lose lose situation, really.
I just hate dishonesty and make a huge effort not to misrepresent myself which is why I have no patience for others who do.

optogirl

SusieBlue wrote: »

I actually realised last night I've been somewhat self sabotaging myself lately, and I don't know if I'm actively trying to find faults in people, or if I'm just being prudent about not wasting my own time :pac:

Case in example, I was talking to a guy most of last week who seemed really great. He was just my type, nice, funny, and easy to talk to.
We had made loose plans to meet soon, when I made the mistake of looking up his social media.
All the pictures he used on Tinder were a minimum of 8yrs old and without being overly harsh, he didn't look great in his more recent ones. The ones on the app were not an accurate portrayal of how he currently looks at all.
He had also shared a lot of anti-repeal stuff in the run up to the abortion ref last year and at that point I knew there would be no point in even continuing to speak to him, as that's a massive dealbreaker for me.
I was really disappointed, but also a bit relieved I hadn't taken the time to meet him in person as I'd have been completely wasting my time.

Its happened with other guys recently too. A lot of them were using extremely old photos, one claimed to be 5'10 but was shorter in a photo than an acquaintence who I know is shorter than me (I'm 5'5) , one was an avid supporter of fox hunting (no thank you), and another was posting passive agressive statuses b*tching about his ex. All dealbreakers.

I mean, in a way, I'm glad I did the digging cause it revealed dealbreakers that would have come up at a later date and I'd have just been wasting my time. But at the same time I don't know am I spoiling things for myself by even looking because I inevitably end up finding something I don't like!
Its a lose lose situation, really.
I just hate dishonesty and make a huge effort not to misrepresent myself which is why I have no patience for others who do.

I don't think you're being too picky with the above examples.

Wibbs

Widdershins wrote: »

Do deal breakers apply to friends?
Or would you be more relaxed and understanding with the habits and attitudes of friends?

Is it just me or is it as if people are a bit perfectionist and unforgiving with people who are potential dating partners ?

For good obvious reasons I would have thought W. You're generally not living with friends, you're not going to end up sharing time, money and other resources and there's zero chance of pregnancy and kids. There's also much lower social expectation with friends. No "relationship timelines" or any of that. Plus friendships are far more likely to start and grow organically. Now while many sexual/romantic relationships can start pretty organically, we've increasingly imported the US "dating" model of relationships and tinder and the like, so there's more pressure and expectation. Hell, some such dates are more like job interviews.

KiKi III

Have any of you/ would any of you use one of the matchmaking services that have sprung up over the last few years?

I’d consider it if I heard good things, but they’re so expensive

Assetbacked

KiKi III wrote: »

Have any of you/ would any of you use one of the matchmaking services that have sprung up over the last few years?

I’d consider it if I heard good things, but they’re so expensive

Somewhat related - did MeetUp turn into an app where mixed activities are no longer possible without a tonne of guys turning up to hit on/be near girls? I used a it a couple times for random enough events just to try different activities and to look for football games but don't recall it being like that. Someone said it recently to me.

Widdershins

Wibbs wrote: »

For good obvious reasons I would have thought W. You're generally not living with friends, you're not going to end up sharing time, money and other resources and there's zero chance of pregnancy and kids. There's also much lower social expectation with friends. No "relationship timelines" or any of that. Plus friendships are far more likely to start and grow organically. Now while many sexual/romantic relationships can start pretty organically, we've increasingly imported the US "dating" model of relationships and tinder and the like, so there's more pressure and expectation. Hell, some such dates are more like job interviews.

True too but maybe something slightly more towards the affectionate tolerance of friendship would help in dating situations. It seems like affectionate married/long term couples are essentially in a very close romantic friendship. Eventually theyre going to do something that'll make you want to grind your teeth to dust so all the checklists and perfectionism (or maybe just high standards) only go so far.

Re. Interview dates. One of mine more or less began with "what is your level of education? Do you own your own home?"

Another man I was whatsapping asked a stream of questions including:
" Do you have any annoying habits?
What's your house like?
How's your personal hygiiene?"

My unspoken question was "Do you actually care if I like you?" . He then mentioned he'd previously been disillusioned with women and joined Grindr. People are strange but some woman spent 8 years of her life with that one and apparently loved him so...there's an old shoe for every old stocking....

Snails pace

KiKi III wrote: »

Have any of you/ would any of you use one of the matchmaking services that have sprung up over the last few years?

I’d consider it if I heard good things, but they’re so expensive

Would you try speed dating ? My cousin met his girlfriend though it. It was speed dating with a twist. They were all cycling and every few minutes they had to cycle onto the next person. Their going out two years

KiKi III

Snails pace wrote: »

Would you try speed dating ? My cousin met his girlfriend though it. It was speed dating with a twist. They were all cycling and every few minutes they had to cycle onto the next person. Their going out two years

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

Johnny Sausage

KiKi III wrote: »

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

I went speed dating before when i lived in England, was a bit of craic tbf

Snails pace

KiKi III wrote: »

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

Sometimes we all have to move out of our comfort zone

KiKi III

Alright, you guys have officially #influenced me. I booked a ticket for one later this month on eventbrite just now.

Ficheall

KiKi III wrote: »

I’d feel like a bit of a dick going on my own, but I suppose I might have to just suck it up

Puns intended, I hope??

KiKi III

Ficheall wrote: »

Puns intended, I hope??

Nope

Wibbs

Widdershins wrote: »

He then mentioned he'd previously been disillusioned with women and joined Grindr.

Hang on W.... He got disillusioned with the ladies and reckoned he'd be Gay instead? Da fuk?

lainey_d_123

Princess Calla wrote: »

Every single member of his family is on his case. His mother on her death bed made him promise to learn.

I have never put pressure on him to learn. If he ended up in an accident I'd never forgive myself.

The points I was making just because you can survive happily as a singleton not needing a car doesn't mean you can survive your whole life with that attitude. I do believe it's easier to learn when you are younger.

He's lucky I don't drink, but if you enjoyed a few glasses of wine at dinner or a couple of pints at an event but your whole future is now mapped out as a driver never a drinker it would take its toll.

Yes there are taxis but when you've a few kids hanging out of you and all their "stuff" the game changes.

Resentment isn't the right term, I don't know what is.

However when you know you're the one that will be doing the supermarket shopping each week, you'll be the one in ikea wrangling wardrobes into the car, you'll be the one picking up paint in the hardware, you'll be the one at the kids parties, you'll be the one at football matches, while I actually don't mind doing any of the above knowing he'll never once be able to say you stay at home I'll go or we'll ever be able to split a long car journey is a pain in the hole.

I guess this stuff is more about compatibility and life goals in a wider scope, than about driving.

All those things sound like my worst nightmare. I'd never want to be dragging a trolley plus kids round a supermarket, going round Ikea or ferrying kids to football matches all over the place. I get almost everything I need delivered to my door, I can walk or get public transport to anything I want to do and don't see any reason to change that. It's easier than ever to manage without a car now due to all the taxi/rideshare apps. I find it a bit odd that you think the kind of lifestyle you describe is inevitable.

FWIW the guy I'm dating doesn't drive either, for the same reasons - never had the need to and would rather avoid it for environmental reasons. We're both well into our thirties and have never really felt any kind of need to drive or own a car. Would not say 'never' to possibly learning one day, but it's nowhere near the top of the priority list.

Widdershins

Wibbs wrote: »

Hang on W.... He got disillusioned with the ladies and reckoned he'd be Gay instead? Da fuk?

Not just me, then?

Princess Calla

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I guess this stuff is more about compatibility and life goals in a wider scope, than about driving.

All those things sound like my worst nightmare. I'd never want to be dragging a trolley plus kids round a supermarket, going round Ikea or ferrying kids to football matches all over the place. I get almost everything I need delivered to my door, I can walk or get public transport to anything I want to do and don't see any reason to change that. It's easier than ever to manage without a car now due to all the taxi/rideshare apps. I find it a bit odd that you think the kind of lifestyle you describe is inevitable.

FWIW the guy I'm dating doesn't drive either, for the same reasons - never had the need to and would rather avoid it for environmental reasons. We're both well into our thirties and have never really felt any kind of need to drive or own a car. Would not say 'never' to possibly learning one day, but it's nowhere near the top of the priority list.

I never said that lifestyle is inevitable.

You are quite correct it does depend on lifestyle goals.

I've friends in their late 40's who are married to each other and never learned to drive, they also don't have children.

It really depends on what people want from a relationship.

If you want children and rely on public transport, life becomes very complicated.
You will need a crèche /school within walking distance. The luas is the only transport I've found easy with a pram, trains you can be faced with lifts out of order and needing help carrying pram up and down stairs, fine if the only child you have is in the pram not so much if you have a 3 or 4 year old that also needs help.
Buses you are at the mercy of not another pram on board, also if a wheelchair user needs to get on, you will need to get off.... Pain in the arse if it's pi$$ING down.... If you have a newborn your pram will not be able to fold down.

As children get older hobbies also increase so trying to get from a to b to c on public transport on a weekend is also not without its challenges.

I've already covered what it's like as the driver in a relationship with a non driver. I'll be perfectly honest my biggest issue here is having to go to every single family event, they are lovely people, but you know they are still the in laws!

Obviously if you don't want children all the above is a mute point.

For the record I probably only drive 3-4k kms a year, I haven't been on a plane in 8 years so its not as if I'm leaving a massive carbon footprint because I use a car to make life easier for myself and my family.

KiKi III

As an almost 32 year old who can’t drive, I think everyone should learn. I hope to this year. I live centrally in Dublin and have no plans to buy a car, I think it’s a skill everyone should have.

coffee_cake

I think everyone should be able to drive as well

lainey_d_123

Princess Calla wrote: »

I never said that lifestyle is inevitable.

You are quite correct it does depend on lifestyle goals.

I've friends in their late 40's who are married to each other and never learned to drive, they also don't have children.

It really depends on what people want from a relationship.

If you want children and rely on public transport, life becomes very complicated.
You will need a crèche /school within walking distance. The luas is the only transport I've found easy with a pram, trains you can be faced with lifts out of order and needing help carrying pram up and down stairs, fine if the only child you have is in the pram not so much if you have a 3 or 4 year old that also needs help.
Buses you are at the mercy of not another pram on board, also if a wheelchair user needs to get on, you will need to get off.... Pain in the arse if it's pi$$ING down.... If you have a newborn your pram will not be able to fold down.

As children get older hobbies also increase so trying to get from a to b to c on public transport on a weekend is also not without its challenges.

I've already covered what it's like as the driver in a relationship with a non driver. I'll be perfectly honest my biggest issue here is having to go to every single family event, they are lovely people, but you know they are still the in laws!

Obviously if you don't want children all the above is a mute point.

For the record I probably only drive 3-4k kms a year, I haven't been on a plane in 8 years so its not as if I'm leaving a massive carbon footprint because I use a car to make life easier for myself and my family.

Yes, it does depend on if you want kids and even then, where you'll be living. I have loads of friends in London (where I'm looking at jobs) with kids and hardly any of them have a car and a lot of them don't even have a licence. It's just considered normal to either stick to things in your own little area, or take the pram/buggy on public transport. Kids there have more independence from a younger age - secondary kids would be getting themselves to school and back and to their activities. The same with other big cities I've lived in, like New York and Hong Kong. I can see in Dublin it would be more challenging as the public transport isn't as good.

If you don't mind me saying, it seems that the problem with your partner isn't so much that he doesn't drive but more that he takes it for granted that you do it all and doesn't support you much. If I had a partner who drove me around everywhere, I would stay off the drink if they had to (out of solidarity), try to be a good navigator (or at least good company) on long car rides instead of dozing off, and I certainly wouldn't expect them to pay for the car and insurance and petrol out of 'their' own money if the car was used for the whole family.

Hammer89

Johnny Sausage wrote: »

if their bio on tinder etc is any of the following "..." " x " "ask me" "will fill this in later lol"

When their bio is inundated with the fact they have kids as well. I don't know what the opposite of Catfishing somebody is but some of them go a bit OTT in letting potential mates know that they have children. "Hiya me name's Mags. Swipe left if ye can't handle me kids coz I've loads."

Tell me how

Hammer89 wrote: »

When their bio is inundated with the fact they have kids as well. I don't know what the opposite of Catfishing somebody is but some of them go a bit OTT in letting potential mates know that they have children. "Hiya me name's Mags. Swipe left if ye can't handle me kids coz I've loads."

To be fair to them, they're probably sick of wasting a couple of evenings messaging a lad or even going on a first date before breaking the news and seeing them disappear.