Feeling so upset

Jenneke87

I previously posted about my troubles in the bedroom with my boyfriend (pain and bleeding after sex, and not finding any enjoyment in it). After a visit to the GP an infection was found and cleared up. This has stopped the bleeding but not the other problems.

Sex has never been pleasurable. Not with past partners either. First I thought I was just really unlucky in that regards and admittedly blamed them, but I believe now that that is not entirely true. I've tried a lot of things by now, thinking that perhaps it was just a matter of not having found the right thing for me yet and nothing really works. I feel very upset by it, because no underlying cause has been found.

It never gets good and if I'm really honest, I no longer want to do it. I don't want my body to be used as an masturbation object while I'm left to deal with the pain and often also a new infection, which again requires a visit to the GP and medication, leaving me out of pocket. It's starting to affect me mentally and I feel so down and conflicted over it. There's nothing in it for me; I never have an orgasm (not from oral sex or fingering either), often times, it just feels annoying. Penetration just plain hurts and has become an exercise in endurance and hoping he finishes quickly. It usually results in several days of pain down there which has me feeling angry and resentful because he had his fun and I'm left to deal with the consequences. I also feel that I can't just force my partner into celibacy, but I'm just tired of being used that way, because that is how it feels by now. He knows I'm struggling with this, but keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do.

I'm also scared for the future; I know this is something that won't go away anytime soon, if ever. Like everyone I want to be happy with a partner but like this, it's not going to happen. I'm afraid to break up, because I will encounter the exact same problem in a new relationship, if he hasn't bolted by the time he figures out sex is a massive issue for me. I feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone, no-one knows what's wrong and I just feel broken. I'm sorry if none of this is making sense, because I feel so upset right now...

Millionaire only not

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I previously posted about my troubles in the bedroom with my boyfriend (pain and bleeding after sex, and not finding any enjoyment in it). After a visit to the GP an infection was found and cleared up. This has stopped the bleeding but not the other problems.

Sex has never been pleasurable. Not with past partners either. First I thought I was just really unlucky in that regards and admittedly blamed them, but I believe now that that is not entirely true. I've tried a lot of things by now, thinking that perhaps it was just a matter of not having found the right thing for me yet and nothing really works. I feel very upset by it, because no underlying cause has been found.

It never gets good and if I'm really honest, I no longer want to do it. I don't want my body to be used as an masturbation object while I'm left to deal with the pain and often also a new infection, which again requires a visit to the GP and medication, leaving me out of pocket. It's starting to affect me mentally and I feel so down and conflicted over it. There's nothing in it for me; I never have an orgasm (not from oral sex or fingering either), often times, it just feels annoying. Penetration just plain hurts and has become an exercise in endurance and hoping he finishes quickly. It usually results in several days of pain down there which has me feeling angry and resentful because he had his fun and I'm left to deal with the consequences. I also feel that I can't just force my partner into celibacy, but I'm just tired of being used that way, because that is how it feels by now. He knows I'm struggling with this, but keeps saying that he doesn't know what to do.

I'm also scared for the future; I know this is something that won't go away anytime soon, if ever. Like everyone I want to be happy with a partner but like this, it's not going to happen. I'm afraid to break up, because I will encounter the exact same problem in a new relationship, if he hasn't bolted by the time he figures out sex is a massive issue for me. I feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone, no-one knows what's wrong and I just feel broken. I'm sorry if none of this is making sense, because I feel so upset right now...

Omg , op that’s a very sad story and me being a fellow a big wake up call for all men !
I’m afraid I can’t give u any advice only if he really loves u , sex will have to put aside !
And that’s not easy for a man either !
There must be more that can be done medically u would think !

zapper55

I'm very sorry to hear it's still a problem. You were given a lot of good advice in your last thread such as visiting a physiotherapist that specialises in womens health. They deal.with exactly the problem you are describing. Were you able to find someone? If not could you ask your doctor for a referral.

Jenneke87

Thx for the replies. I was given a number of examinations by my GP and in hospital, but everything showed up as normal. I'm already seeing a number of therapist due to some ongoing health problems, and adding a third one to the list is not possible right now. I did receive a referral, the intake was free so I did that but she said mine would be a difficult case and that she couldn't promise the result I was hoping for..but it would still be 90 euro's a session, which I just cannot afford right now on top of all my other treatments.

leggo

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through OP. To ask the question that’s going to get asked eventually: could you fathom the idea of your boyfriend sleeping with other people with certain rules etc put in place as a compromise? Just speaking hypothetically here to see how it lands with you, not saying “Have the chat with him tonight or your relationship is doomed” or anything like that.

cannotlogin

There's something about the fact that you used the term "masturbation object" that doesn't sit well with me and leads me to think this might be more of a mental rather than physical issue. I've have medical issues that used to make sex painful so understand how frustrating it can be.

Would you consider going to the Well Women clinic, no referral needed, you just book an appointment like you would a GP? You probably also need an ultrasound if you haven't had one to rule out endo, pcos, fibroids, cysts etc? Could be any of them or vaginismus? I found a gyn looked after the surgery only but WW was great for dealing with everything else.

AulWan

cannotlogin wrote: »

Would you consider going to the Well Women clinic, no referral needed, you just book an appointment like you would a GP? You probably also need an ultrasound if you haven't had one to rule out end, of US, fibroids, cysts etc? Could be any of them or vaginismus? I found a gyn looked after the surgery only but WW was great for dealing with everything else.

I highly recommend the WW clinics, and also think you should seek out a specialised psychosexual therapist. I know such things are expensive, would your partner be prepared to help with the cost?

Dial Hard

Are you able to bring yourself to orgasm? Have you ever been able to?

Jenneke87

@ Dial Hard: yes, but It takes a very long time.

@ Aul Wan: No, he wouldn't be. As understanding as he tries to be, he sees It as my issue, not as something that has anything to do with him.

@ Leggo: I would be okay with that. I can 't really associate sex with anything positive anymore. I doubt he'd agree to It though..

AulWan

Jenneke87 wrote: »

@ Aul Wan: No, he wouldn't be. As understanding as he tries to be, he sees It as my issue, not as something that has anything to do with him.

I'm sorry, but a partner who has sex with you knowing it hurts you, you do not get any enjoyment from it, and does not see this as an issue for both of you, is not a supportive partner. You may need to think about how that affects you. I couldn't respond to a person who treated me like that.

I repeat my earlier advice about visiting the WWC to rule out any physical issue and seeking out a therapist who specialises in sex therapy, - there is help available for you, best of luck.

leggo

Jenneke87 wrote: »

@ Leggo: I would be okay with that. I can 't really associate sex with anything positive anymore. I doubt he'd agree to It though..

It could be worth a conversation then if you’d be okay with it. If everything else in your relationship is fine and neither of you want to break up, then what option does he have besides becoming celibate? While this is the scenario for you having sex, forcing yourself to isn’t a workable solution and it’ll tear the relationship apart with resentment on both sides eventually. Open relationships can be done and this way it’d be done with your permission and trust. At least until/unless you figure out a way that sex can be a positive, pleasurable experience for you.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Yeah I cannot fathom having sex with someone when I knew it was hurting them (in a bad way lol) and they essentially didn't want to do it. Even if you haven't made clear to him verbally the extent of your discomfort and unhappiness, the physical feedback he's getting during sex should be pretty clear. He's either gotten far in his life with a frankly alarming lack of knowledge about women's bodies, or he knows he's hurting you and doesn't care.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, it sounds atrocious. I'm afraid any solution is going to be expensive and slow. Another vote for WW clinics here, and I think you should consider psychotherapy.

And I remember your other threads. Your emotional state has very apparently gotten worse over the course of this relationship. I understand the prospect of starting again is awful, but that's not a reason to stay with him.

As well as professional help, if you're going to fix this you need a partner who is supportive, empathetic, patient. Or else no partner. There is no way you can make any progress while you're gritting your teeth through sex to make someone else happy.

leggo

AulWan wrote: »

I'm sorry, but a partner who has sex with you knowing it hurts you, you do not get any enjoyment from it, and does not see this as an issue for both of you, is not a supportive partner. You may need to think about how that affects you. I couldn't respond to a person who treated me like that.

You say that but that’s an incredibly simplistic view. This is something that men have no scope for understanding or ability to relate to. I think I said this in the OP’s original thread, but I only learned how common and debilitating pain during sex could be for women through working with all women in a job we’d discuss sex fairly openly. The closest I’ve come to having sex hurt (besides the obvious, rough sex etc) would be if you’d have it a lot in a short space of time, where it’d be uncomfortable but ultimately pleasurable. That’s a lot of men’s frame of reference and the maximum capacity many may have for understanding the issue. The OP could be downplaying it to keep her partner happy, or may not have communicated how serious the issue is. Nothing in her posts suggests he’s forcing or pressuring her here, which is when I’d come around to your view.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

You say that but that’s an incredibly simplistic view. This is something that men have no scope for understanding or ability to relate to. I think I said this in the OP’s original thread, but I only learned how common and debilitating pain during sex could be for women through working with all women in a job we’d discuss sex fairly openly. The closest I’ve come to having sex hurt (besides the obvious, rough sex etc) would be if you’d have it a lot in a short space of time, where it’d be uncomfortable but ultimately pleasurable. That’s a lot of men’s frame of reference and the maximum capacity many may have for understanding the issue. The OP could be downplaying it to keep her partner happy, or may not have communicated how serious the issue is. Nothing in her posts suggests he’s forcing or pressuring her here, which is when I’d come around to your view.

To be fair, there is a glaring difference between a woman whose body is 100% ready to go and a woman whose body is not. The difference is wet and open versus dry and closed. He's with her long enough to have an understanding of her body. A man who is concerned about his partner and who is considerate will be able to tell the difference, a man who is only concerned with getting his end off will not really care. Unless he is going around with his head up his backside, he should know from her responses to him whether she's enjoying it or not.

No one is talking about him forcing himself on her or anything like that, it's simply being pointed out that he appears to be grossly inconsiderate. That he thinks this is her issue alone really says a lot about him. If you're in a caring, considerate relationship with someone and sex is a problem for them, then it's a problem for you both and you both work at finding a solution. And, OP, you should have that caring response from a partner. He should want to work with you on this and help you any way he can.

cannotlogin

Link to Well Women Clinic. It's only €60, you can book straight awayand there's a number of locations.

https://wellwomancentre.ie/book-appointment/

I went to then thinking I was totally unique and no one had the same problem. I came out realising they had seen it all before.

lozenges

Hi OP. Sorry you're finding it so hard! I have two suggestions that worked for me, apologies if you've tried them both before.

1. Proper lube. The water based ones eg durex arent great but KY jelly is very good and available in most pharmacies. I used to find penetrative sex very uncomfortable and it made a huge difference.

2. Would you/have you tried a vibrator? Like you oral/fingers don't do anything for me really but I found the vibrator really worked. Once I was able to get off without difficulty I wasn't so resentful towards my partner and penetrative sex after was a lot more comfortable also. They can be ordered very discreetly off the internet.

AulWan

leggo wrote: »

You say that but that’s an incredibly simplistic view. This is something that men have no scope for understanding or ability to relate to. I think I said this in the OP’s original thread, but I only learned how common and debilitating pain during sex could be for women through working with all women in a job we’d discuss sex fairly openly. The closest I’ve come to having sex hurt (besides the obvious, rough sex etc) would be if you’d have it a lot in a short space of time, where it’d be uncomfortable but ultimately pleasurable. That’s a lot of men’s frame of reference and the maximum capacity many may have for understanding the issue. The OP could be downplaying it to keep her partner happy, or may not have communicated how serious the issue is. Nothing in her posts suggests he’s forcing or pressuring her here, which is when I’d come around to your view.

There is nothing simplistic about a partner who would have sex with you knowing it caused you pain, anxiety and ultimately, an infection?

And of course men have scope to understand this. You underestimate men.

The OP has said her partner said this is HER issue to deal with, not his, so he is aware of what is happening.

This is not the thread for that discussion though, I do not wish to derail the thread.

Lyra Fangs

AulWan wrote: »

There is nothing simplistic about a partner who would have sex with you knowing it caused you pain, anxiety and ultimately, an infection?

And of course men have scope to understand this. You underestimate men.

The OP has said her partner said this is HER issue to deal with, not his, so he is aware of what is happening.

This is not the thread for that discussion though, I do not wish to derail the thread.

Completely agree - OPs partner might not have personal experience of her pain but they should have enough compassion to sympathise with her situation and make accommodations.

They need to work this out together; OP shouldn't have to take the full burden of this problem as a resolution would be jointly beneficial if they want to continue their relationship.

ILoveYourVibes

leggo wrote: »

This is something that men have no scope for understanding or ability to relate to.

That's an unfair generalization. I would know many men who would be very sympathetic.

I think maybe OP you should take break from sex for a while until you figure out your body a bit.

I don't know if that means being single or what. But it just seems you view it as torture.


Maybe explore your sexuality on your own with masturbation toys etc. Your imagination or porn. Use lubricants etc.

Then in a year or so you might be in a better frame or mind with better experience etc.

I hope you feel better. I truly do.

afterglow

as per the rules of PI/RI i know its not ok to pm an OP
@Jenneke87 please forgive me if I've spelled that wrong
Have you heard of a condition called vaginismus? **I'm not diagnosing, just asking
I suffered from this, after visits to the wellwoman centre, then the coombe I found the most amazing therapist
I have since realised other things about myself, but that's not the point of this thread, the point of it is, I had vaginismus, sex was absolutely impossible! And with therapy it got to the point where I was able to enjoy intercourse, without pain
My therapist had a wonderful saing, and it was ' vaginismic ladies, are always with gentlemen '
My bf at the time, was this, and I'd say, your bf not understanding and seeing it as your issue, excuse my saying so, but that's extremely insensitive, because if you're anything like myself, when it was going on, i felt like I wasn't even a woman, why the hell can't i just do what every woman does with, for, her partner? Why can't i just enjoy things like i should be able to?
With permission I'll either, send you the therapists website via pm, or post it here, if this is ok to do
I'll await mod instruction before doing either,. I think its vital you get help and asap, so in this instance, won't take it upon myself to do anything
I send you the biggest hug, I know, this issue, whatever its cause, even if not vaginismus is so difficult to deal with, it erodes your self esteem, and indeed, your sense of womanhood over time
That boyfriend of your's also needs to sort out his thought processes's, but this is about you, not him for the moment ,

leggo

AulWan wrote: »

There is nothing simplistic about a partner who would have sex with you knowing it caused you pain, anxiety and ultimately, an infection?

And of course men have scope to understand this. You underestimate men.

The OP has said her partner said this is HER issue to deal with, not his, so he is aware of what is happening.

This is not the thread for that discussion though, I do not wish to derail the thread.

I think you’re trying to make it a case of the OP being abused or something like that when even she isn’t looking at it that way. It can be the same with childbirth or periods, some lads can have the attitude of “just deal with it” and it’s not meant in a harmful way, they’ve just nothing to compare it to and haven’t had it explained to them properly. Much the same as how many women may jokingly mock ‘manflu’ as a bit of exaggerated moaning over a slight inconvenience. It’s genuine ignorance more than anything else.

When it comes to pain women can experience during sex, it wasn’t until I actually fell into a super niche discussion with some people I worked with who explained it very eloquently that I realised it was an issue for so many: I’ve never had an ex say it to me before or known it was a thing, much less something a good chunk of women went through at some stage. I think the NY Times did an article not too long ago discussing how it was an unspoken of issue because many women felt it was their ‘duty’ to perform for their man so just sucked it up (pardon the unintentionally insensitive term).

Based on what the OP is saying, it seems more along the lines of what I’m talking about than the partner just not caring or trying to force it on her. That seems more like your own issue than hers, so yeah I agree, let’s not make this a general discussion and deal with what the OP is actually talking about. If she says it’s abusive or her posts indicate as much, different conversation and your point becomes relevant. But she hasn’t, so it’s just getting hysterical about the issue for the sake of it.

AulWan

leggo wrote: »

I think you’re trying to make it a case of the OP being abused or something like that when even she isn’t looking at it that way. It can be the same with childbirth or periods, some lads can have the attitude of “just deal with it” and it’s not meant in a harmful way, they’ve just nothing to compare it to and haven’t had it explained to them properly. Much the same as how many women may jokingly mock ‘manflu’ as a bit of exaggerated moaning over a slight inconvenience. It’s genuine ignorance more than anything else.

When it comes to pain women can experience during sex, it wasn’t until I actually fell into a super niche discussion with some people I worked with who explained it very eloquently that I realised it was an issue for so many: I’ve never had an ex say it to me before or known it was a thing, much less something a good chunk of women went through at some stage. I think the NY Times did an article not too long ago discussing how it was an unspoken of issue because many women felt it was their ‘duty’ to perform for their man so just sucked it up (pardon the unintentionally insensitive term).

Based on what the OP is saying, it seems more along the lines of what I’m talking about than the partner just not caring or trying to force it on her. That seems more like your own issue than hers, so yeah I agree, let’s not make this a general discussion and deal with what the OP is actually talking about. If she says it’s abusive or her posts indicate as much, different conversation and your point becomes relevant. But she hasn’t, so it’s just getting hysterical about the issue for the sake of it.

I never said he was trying to force her, or implied he was abusing her.

What I meant, if it went over your head, is that his behaviour towards her is very uncaring and unsupportive.

Sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable, not one lying there getting through it with gritted teeth, while the other gets off.

This man is aware that his partner is in pain and not enjoying sex, yet for some reason you are somehow trying to turn this around on the OP - that it must be her fault as she must be downplaying what she is suffering.

But as I have said, I do not wish to derail the thread by turning it into a discussion on the OP's partner's behaviour. The OP has asked for help, not for excuses to be made for her partner's lack of empathy.

Mods, please note.

KrustyUCC

Really though situation OP

I know you say you don't want to break up with him but unfortunately I don't think there is a way around it

Sex is an important part of relationships and as can be seen from many threads in RI lack of sex is a major issue for many couples

You don't want him to be celibate but still I really can't see it being worth it to you

In effect sex leads to you thinking of him "using your body as a masturbation object, while I'm left to deal with the pain and often also a new infection, which again requires a visit to the GP and medication, leaving me out of pocket"

You def shouldn't be out of pocket. The least he could do is pay for at least half of the GP bills

"Penetration just plain hurts and has become an exercise in endurance and hoping he finishes quickly"

That's no good for either partner

You mention being used a second time after that

Whilst you may not sort this issue in the future you def won't sort it unless you can get medical help

Could your partner help with the physiotherapist bills?

Tiddlypeeps

You really need to take a break from sex for a while, continuing to force the issue is really only making things worse. The more you associate sex with pain the harder it's going to be to disassociate those things when you get to the bottom of whatever the underlying problem is, and by continuing to push through out of obligation the more you are solidifying that association.

The underlying problem could be physical or mental but in most cases it's both. It starts with something physical and because sex is so important to most people it very quickly leads to mental issues compounding the problem.

The only real way to solve this will be seeing either (but ideally both) a pelvic floor physio therapist and/or a psychotherapist that specializes in sexual dysfunction.

If your partner isn't understanding about this issue then he isn't a partner at all. He should be understanding that you need a break from sex and he should be more than willing to contribute to help solve the issue. The fact he is continuing to have sex with you despite knowing it's painful and the fact you think he won't contribute are major red flags. You should have a frank conversation with him about this, it's possible he is more ignorant than you realize about the problem and it's possible you are making assumptions about what he would or would not be willing to do to help. So lay it all out on the table and see where it goes.

If he is unwilling to live with no sex for a bit then so be it, the relationship is not meant to be. If he is unwilling to contribute to help solve the problem then you should leave him. Not being able to contribute would be one thing, but being able but unwilling to help is an irredeemable failing in my opinion. What would happen if you were to fall pregnant and had pregnancy related expenses, would that be a you problem too? Or even if you just fell sick in general and couldn't work, would he step up or just let you drown?

wiggle16

Mod:

I realise it's stopped, but going forward I don't want to see any more general discussion in the thread, please. It is very unfair on the OP.

osarusan

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I'm also scared for the future; I know this is something that won't go away anytime soon, if ever. Like everyone I want to be happy with a partner but like this, it's not going to happen. I'm afraid to break up, because I will encounter the exact same problem in a new relationship, if he hasn't bolted by the time he figures out sex is a massive issue for me. I feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone, no-one knows what's wrong and I just feel broken. I'm sorry if none of this is making sense, because I feel so upset right now...

I think you need to decide how much of a priority this is.



People have mentioned various options, but you have baulked at the cost.


But you are talking about something pretty fundamental to the idea of living a happy life. You want to have a partner, but your sexual troubles are stopping this from happening. What is it worth to you to get to the bottom of it, and resolve it?


You have brought yourself to orgasm in the past...do you still do that by yourself? Or is that painful too? Or mentally an issue now?

afterglow

I'm also scared for the future; I know this is something that won't go away anytime soon, if ever. Like everyone I want to be happy with a partner but like this, it's not going to happen. I'm afraid to break up, because I will encounter the exact same problem in a new relationship, if he hasn't bolted by the time he figures out sex is a massive issue for me. I feel so alone, I can't talk to anyone, no-one knows what's wrong and I just feel broken. I'm sorry if none of this is making sense, because I feel so upset right now
@jenek87
I understand what you mean
i felt broken also.
As mods haven't responded, I'm leaving this here
cost may well be a factor, but if you're in dublin, and have a medical card, that may help
website:
http://www.donalgaynor.com
please, whatever about your bf, do this for you. Normally, in therapy, when its to do with sexual/psychosexual issues, partner would normally be present. Given what you've written, I'd personally wonder if that would hinder or help, but isn't it great, I'm not a professional, so can't say
Please, please OP, look after yourself
this stuff is important.
I wish you the best of luck

AulWan

osarusan wrote: »

I think you need to decide how much of a priority this is.



People have mentioned various options, but you have baulked at the cost.


But you are talking about something pretty fundamental to the idea of living a happy life. You want to have a partner, but your sexual troubles are stopping this from happening. What is it worth to you to get to the bottom of it, and resolve it?


You have brought yourself to orgasm in the past...do you still do that by yourself? Or is that painful too? Or mentally an issue now?

Jenneke87 wrote: »

I'm already seeing a number of therapist due to some ongoing health problems, and adding a third one to the list is not possible right now. I did receive a referral, the intake was free so I did that but she said mine would be a difficult case and that she couldn't promise the result I was hoping for..but it would still be 90 euro's a session, which I just cannot afford right now on top of all my other treatments.

The OP baulked at the cost because its not affordable for her right now. Which is understandable.

It would be nice if her boyfriend offered to pay half. But she has confirmed (reply #9) that he won't as "he sees it as my issue, not as something that has anything to do with him".

Jenneke87

Thanks again everyone.

I appreciate the links and referrals but I do not live in Ireland and my insurance only covers physiotherapy partly and only for a number of sessions. That in itself wouldn't be a problem but I am already under treatment for a bad shoulder and I just can't shell out anymore. It's not an unwillingness on my part to do it, I'd get it over with tomorrow if it was possible.

@Osarusan: It's possible, but it takes forever really..

My partner is trying to be as understanding as possible. He'd never force me or anything like that, but is very saddened by the situation, and I've always felt like I just couldn't cut sex out completely, mainly to avoid conflict. He does know it hurts, but maybe not just how much it hurts.

I've spoken to my GP about the therapy. She said it would be necessary for him to attend, which will not happen, he finds it incredibly difficult to open up about sex, let alone to a stranger. He already told me it's a flat out no. I haven't asked him yet about the money, but I don't think that suggestion will go down well, because in his mind, he hasn't done anything wrong..

@ Aterglow: I think it could very well be vaginismus by now. I don't think it started out that way, but it feels like that is what is has become now. I just feel terrified of sex by now.

I just feel like it be better if we broke it off so that he can find someone who can have sex with him and I can just take time to recover. That's another thing: I feel like I just can't take my time with this, because I know sex will be expected at some point and I will not be ready yet. I just feel like becoming a crazy cat lady and I can't even do that, I'm allergic to cats....:(

afterglow

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Thanks again everyone.

I appreciate the links and referrals but I do not live in Ireland and my insurance only covers physiotherapy partly and only for a number of sessions. That in itself wouldn't be a problem but I am already under treatment for a bad shoulder and I just can't shell out anymore. It's not an unwillingness on my part to do it, I'd get it over with tomorrow if it was possible.

@Osarusan: It's possible, but it takes forever really..

My partner is trying to be as understanding as possible. He'd never force me or anything like that, but is very saddened by the situation, and I've always felt like I just couldn't cut sex out completely, mainly to avoid conflict. He does know it hurts, but maybe not just how much it hurts.

I've spoken to my GP about the therapy. She said it would be necessary for him to attend, which will not happen, he finds it incredibly difficult to open up about sex, let alone to a stranger. He already told me it's a flat out no. I haven't asked him yet about the money, but I don't think that suggestion will go down well, because in his mind, he hasn't done anything wrong..

@ Aterglow: I think it could very well be vaginismus by now. I don't think it started out that way, but it feels like that is what is has become now. I just feel terrified of sex by now.

I just feel like it be better if we broke it off so that he can find someone who can have sex with him and I can just take time to recover. That's another thing: I feel like I just can't take my time with this, because I know sex will be expected at some point and I will not be ready yet. I just feel like becoming a crazy cat lady and I can't even do that, I'm allergic to cats....:(

hi again
Firstly
Most importantly, know that this, in no way shape form whatever, is your fault
again, another resource for you, as I considered this before therapy, is https://www.hopeandher.com/complete-kit
they have a program you can purchase, comes with a book, and a set of vaginal dilators which is what you would do with a therapist anyway. It just may perhaps, be more cost effective for you, and something you can do, for yourself, and by yourself, if necessary.
he needs to understand its not about anything he's done right or wrong, this is something that's there now, in your head and body, and while he didn't cause it, he can help. Most people would find that a great privilege. I know my bf did, and sex when it happened, every time afterwards, after therapy I mean, was always so special. So he has the chance to be part of something amazing, if he'll allow himself
either way, you deserve for this to be fixed for yourself
take care of yourself, and reach out if you feel you need
I hope I don't get a warning for that, but just, I honestly do know what you're going through
sending hugs x

Sleepy

OP - a healthy sex life doesn't just have to be PIV.

In the long-term, you definitely need to sort out your issues with intercourse whether they be physical or psychological but in the short to medium term could you try focusing on other forms of sex with your other half? Oral, anal, tantric massage etc.?

afterglow

Sleepy wrote: »

OP - a healthy sex life doesn't just have to be PIV.

In the long-term, you definitely need to sort out your issues with intercourse whether they be physical or psychological but in the short to medium term could you try focusing on other forms of sex with your other half? Oral, anal, tantric massage etc.?

I think I remember my therapist saying something similar
sex counts as many different things to different people, and ok, OP, because you and your bf are a hetro couple, intercourse is normally PIV, as the other poster said, but it doesn't have to be. Aural, manual, there is more than one way to chop an onion.... in the longterm as said, sorting it would be good, but in the shortterm other stuff may be possible, but I can understand now, sex is associated with such trauma now, it makes any form of ' sex ' difficult....

tara73

I think you really need to let go of this partner. He doesn't seem to be good for you. I'm not saying he's a completely bad person but from your posts he doesn't seem to be the most considerate or sensitive guy and I think, as you seem sensitive yourself, you need somebody more sensitive too.

I think this is the main thing, you are a sensitive person, that's all. I don't believe there's anything medically wrong with you or you are not made for sex or anything. I just think you are, I'm repeating myself, very sensitive and for people like this everythings a bit harder (no pun intended:)) generally.
Your dramatic view on things, how you see yourself and your future, shows this too. Please don't give up on yourself, I guess you are quiete young, it's just a case of finding the right person from my point of view.

Your body is cramping up with this guy because your subconcious mind is telling you what your conscious mind doesn't want to acknowledge: you don't really want him, he's not the right one for you.

Don't go that desperate as you are right now, you will find mr. right, it's just a matter of time, patience and believing in it:)