having trouble coping with intrusion

Stateofyou

Sleepy wrote: »

You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

That is completely false. You do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD to use or identify with that term. I don't know where you got that idea but it's seriously ridiculous.
I don't think "most Irish people" would roll their eyes and think drama queen, but you are obviously that type. Work on your empathy and maybe don't post in this forum if you're going to be as rude as all that. There are better and more respectful ways to say things.

antix80

chris525 wrote: »

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

Sure, Ireland is a small country, many people don't go too far from home - and those who do come back with their tails between their legs. People still hang around with their old school friends 20 years later and visit their parents several times a week even if they can't stand one of them.

People like talking about family and people they know.. it drives some people mad and many younger Irish people intentionally move away from "home" to get away from this.

That being said, I don't think we can put this all down to a cultural clash. You've removed yourself from your home country for a fresh start and are now annoyed with people who are curious about you. So a lot of it is issues you have, rather than issues other people have with you.

My best advice to you is to (1) accept the question will be asked as long as you're in Ireland, and (2) learn how to answer it in a way that you won't upset yourself.

Let's give it a go.

Do you miss your home country?

No. You lived in the middle of nowhere and felt isolated.
You didn't keep in contact with friends from college because they all moved away.

Do you miss your parents?
No, you were raised by your mother and she had "problems with her nerves", so you didn't have much of a life.

You married a foreigner?
Yes, Ken (not his real name) is a real doll. Men in your country are too cold/short/ugly/ etc so you really landed on your feet.

Or.. just say "it's none of your business." Either way, the issue is yours

meeeeh

Ok I can't believe I'm getting dragged into this but an easy reply is: ah when you have your own family, you are busy with every day life here. You can add that you find weather challenging and that leads to the conversation about weather. To question about marrying a foreigner my reply is that his family and Irish in general are very friendly and welcoming so it doesn't really matter.

Those replays are actually what I genuinely feel but they are also general enough I don't need to explain much more and divulge any personal information.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, I've read some of your previous threads.

Either you have a tendency to completely overthink things or else you have a massive chip on your shoulder.

I'm beginning to think it's the latter.

JustAThought

Irish people asking nosey questions, making conversation and the mildly nosey form of questions the OP has mentioned as ‘triggering’ are part of the standard normal conversations and everywhere way of life here. Maybe if the OP has failed to adapt to this or to find mild and inoffensive ways to bat them away without presenting himself as a victim in every incodental conversation he should consider moving somewhere that might be a better cultural fit for him. London or some busy UK city. Nobody talks to strangers there and you could be lying in the street with a severed head in your handbag and noone would look crooked at you . They might ring the olice lyer but thats another thing. If you cannot loosen up or relax or learn to adapt to Itish culture and behaviours perhaps it is time to find somewhere where you will fit in and most likely where there is a culture of not speaking to strangers or talks incidentally to you. IME of living and working there UK could be just perfect for you.

otherwise rehearse smiling and parrying - there have been some good and normal rebuttal suggestions here.Unless of course you want to go through life with a red victim light flashing above your head and frightening or overwhelming everyone you meet with your miserable background and issues you cannot or refuse to put behind you. Sure everyone hd bad experiences but they dont go around burdening strangers with them or insisting or revealing them in lighthearted situations in chit chat. . sometimes you cannot get over things,and most people have their own troubles and don’t want to know yours when they are just making smalltalk. Diffuse, deflect, joke and make a new start and effort. Don’t be left wallowing in miisery from your past and indulging in the misery you moved to leave behind and want to forget.

why did you move - work, great country apart from the rain, my GF lived here, opportunities
Do you not miss home - sure theres skype and phone - and I have my own family here now those closest to me /I love it here sure arn’t there lots of cows/great rain
What do your parents think - sure theres phone and skype,
etc

keep it light and lovely and work on the future and not the past. Or move.

cannotlogin

It's not racist and I think you are overthinking it.

Just for context. I'm living in Dublin for 10 years and am originally from a part of the country than is no more than a 3 hour car journey. My accent is still very strong so people frequently ask how long am I in Dublin? Do I miss home? Would I like to move home at some stage etc?

It's all just basic chit chat! Harmless, meaningless conversation in an effort to make conversation.

Similar with family questions....do you go down home often? Have you siblings down home? Would you parents l8ke to see you move home?

All just efforts to chat, be sociable, even make friends perhaps?

rainbowtrout

chris525 wrote: »

That's OK but why is where you are from originally so important?

Because the vast majority of people live their entire lives in the country they were born in. Because Ireland has a long history of emigration, and many emigrants never got to come home because they couldn't afford it, e.g. going to Australia in the 1950s etc. Because until the last 20 odd years there wasn't a massive amount of foreigners living in Ireland, and if they were, they were mainly British and you'd get the odd European. So given all of those things it's perfectly natural to ask if you miss home - people are not asking if you got on with your family or not, people are asking if you miss it in more general terms - climate, culture, activities, food, and yes friends and family in a general sense. If you think that's racist you need to start drinking more Ribena.


Honestly wherever you are from, people are just curious about if you miss the basics and assume that there are things about your home country that you might like and therefore miss. Whether that be better weather, a particular type of food you can't get here or family and friends that you don't get to see much.

All of that can be answered with a generic answer of 'I miss the weather, can't get X food here, but I always wanted to come to Ireland, we had good job opportunities here and a good quality of life, I like it so far'. People couldn't actually give a fcuk beyond that. People aren't asking if you hate your family and want to be as far away from them as geographically possible or anything.


Honestly, you're the one being an ass here.

listermint

For full context OP.


If you go on in real life like your going on here. You can expect the pleasantries to end fairly quickly and you'll get exactly what you want zero conversation. People tend to avoid talking to folks that are as contrary as this. There's no fun in it. It's awkward I'd avoid the likes of this in work suffice to say I'd turn around in a corridor and walk the other way.


My advice , learn to read niceness because so far I can see you aren't bothered and everything is centred around yourself.

rainbowtrout

chris525 wrote: »

I find this to be highly dismissive of someone who has experience a tremendous amount of hurt and turmoil in their lives. Not everyone has the privilege of being 'laid back'. I don't think you would feel 'laid back if your parents were constantly screaming at you since the age of 1.

Lots of people grew up in less than ideal homes. It has fcuk all to do with being asked a simple question about emigrating and missing home. When you are asked 'Do you miss your family?' all you have to say is 'To be honest, my family life wasn't too hectic, so we don't really have any contact, it's nice to spend time with my partner's family'. Most people have enough cop on not to go any further than that. What is major drama to you, is just them asking a trivial question, they don't know your background, and don't really care either.

You're not going to get very far in general if you spend all your time going around with a massive chip on your shoulder.

MissShihTzu

OP - Did you ever sort out a new counsellor? I think you should....

My tuppence worth? I am the daughter of immigrants who in turn immigrated here. I get the same questions ALL the time! It's just folk making polite conversation. If the questions get too personal? (And you would know what I mean) - Just shut them down! You are not obliged to answer ANY question you find intrusive.

I'm not too sure what else to tell you. You're an adult and should be able to deal with this. If you cant? Then find someone to help you. Constantly starting threads and ranting on, isn't the answer.

antix80

Op i know it's not the done thing to go through past threads by the op... But, I think you have some disordered thinking which is affecting how you view your interactions with other people. Your upbringing sounds less than ideal, so maybe you are a bit more defensive than usual. And maybe a bit too critical too, which is something you learned from your "unstable" mother.

But your rants are so off-putting and almost offensive. You're basically saying the few years you spent here give you licence to write sweeping generalisations criticising irish people or culture as racist.... Without any irony! Yet, all I see in your op is a woman with her own issues being very critical and dismissive of people trying to show an interest.

Well, why not ask an Irish woman why she hasn't ever moved away and maybe you'll see the other side of the story. Try to empathise instead of criticising. And really.. Maybe irish people just aren't for you. Be the gruff outsider who gives a steely stare and who hates nosey people and doesn't talk about anything other than recipes for meals... There's a market for that too.

Edit, sorry for the long 2nd post, genuinely trying to help

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

This is a bit of a rant but it's something that I'm struggling with.

I moved to Ireland with my Irish husband in 2016. We did not like where we were living before and could not wait to get out of there. We HATED it.

Since I've moved here some people ask me "Do you miss home?".

Here's the problem I have with this:

1. It's kind of racist. Someone who did not grow up in Ireland cannot consider Ireland to be home? Do they view me as just some pitiful foreigner? When will I no longer be asked these questions? 5 years, 10+?
2. It's very personal. You know don't me, anything about me or my history, and my reasons for moving.
3. I moved a long time ago. I'm starting to forget what life was like in the past and I'm glad for that.
4. My house in Ireland that I've been paying for the past 3 years is my home.

Now it's not just the question that is the problem. It's the tone of voice, the obstinacy, and their unwillingness to actually listen to what I have to say.

For example, if they ask me "Do you miss home?" and I say "No, I don't" it doesn't seem to register in their head and they keep prying.

They say things like, "Oh, you married a foreigner". This puzzles me and is deeply personal. Where I'm from marrying someone from the Anglo-sphere is not really a foreigner and also I've only ever dated foreigners. I have never been in a relationship with someone from my own country. I can't help it; I'm just not attracted! Also, where I'm from there is mass immigration so there are a lot of different people living there. Why would they not know that about one of the G8 countries?

They go on further to say things like, "Do you miss your family?". This really puzzles me. I have a husband and 2 kids here in Ireland with me. Are they not my family? I'm assuming they mean my extended relatives. "No, I don't".

"Do your parents come to visit a lot?" Parents plural? My father hasn't come around to see me in over 20 years and my mother is unstable.

What if:

• you're just not a family person
• you just don't like where you are from
• your family of origin is crazy and dysfunctional
• it's just too personal
• etc. etc.

Will they judge you if they knew the truth?

These are things that someone you hardly know should not be prying into. It's nosy and rude.

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

Its not racism its small talk.

They don't actually want to know about your personal life its just about not sitting there in silence.

You don't have to answer or answer honestly. You can say 'that's a little personal'.

Yes they would probably judge you if they knew the truth. Which is why you should really keep it as small talk with people you don't know.

'No parents do not visit so much ..its so far etc'

'No i don't miss home so much. Ireland is home now etc'.

I wouldn't divulge personal info to people you dont know you can trust well yet. I would say you have to keep somethings back.


People are 90% nice. So don't fear them so much. Even if you don't want to open up. Stop imagining enemies.

beauf

chris525 wrote: »

This is a bit of a rant but it's something that I'm struggling with.

....

These are things that someone you hardly know should not be prying into. It's nosy and rude.

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

This is feature of Irish culture and society. We will talk to complete stranger with no inhibitions or formality.
We also have the habit of talking a lot about anything.

People from cultures that are more reserved and don't talk as much, can find this challenging. But the Irish are famous for this.

ILoveYourVibes

beauf wrote: »

This is feature of Irish culture and society. We will talk to complete stranger with no inhibitions or formality.
We also have the habit of talking a lot about anything.

People from cultures that are more reserved and don't talk as much, can find this challenging. But the Irish are famous for this.

Yep.

Just on thing op. It can be confusing for people. While we really do like to talk about topics everything and anything ....we don't give out anything too personal. And when we do its very filtered. You should probably do the same. Its just chatter small talk etc. You are under no obligation to tell people anything. But people will find it weird if you don't chat back. But people actually don't expect you to reveal anything. In fact if you listen closely Irish people talk a lot without revealing anything. Its very telling.

vixdname

OP needs to get over themselves, drop the ever present racism card and stop wanting to be offended.

The way Irish people ask questions may be different from you country of origin, the way society works in Ireland as a whole may be different from your home country, you must understand this and not take the differences as personal intrusions.
I'd be pretty sure if an Irish person went to live in your home country they too may find some differences in how personal interaction work but maybe they wouldnt be so quick to pull the racism card such as your good self.

qwerty13

OP, you've said about people analysing you, or trying to force their help upon you.

They’re not. They are trying to make a friendly effort at engaging. Of course you may get a nosy person who oversteps the mark - who doesn’t. This is not exclusive to you. This is just that some people are inquisitive, or have no decent sense of boundaries.

Your reaction to this appears to go from zero to 100, which is, in my view, a complete overreaction. People aren't out to get you. They don’t really care where you’re from. Or who you are. They’re either making small talk chat about a topic that they feel might engage you - or else they’re genuinely curious. I have friends who aren’t Irish. Should I not be allowed to ask them about differences in their country? I like chatting with my friends re how Christmas is different in their country (big dinner on Xmas eve, presents that night). I just find it interesting.

ETA: Equally, my friends who aren’t Irish have asked me re what the norm is about funerals. Wedding afters. Birthday lunches. Surely it’s all give and take. Diversity in background can be just interesting. Not a source of feeling ‘got at’.

My honest assessment is that you really really need to stop feeling that the world is out to get you. And do something about this being a seeming permanent feature of how you feel

Stateofyou

You keyboard warriors need to get a grip on yourselves. In the TITLE of this issue are the words "having trouble coping." And many of you are quite clearly kicking this poster while they're down. Having trouble coping would include not being able to see things clearly or with as much calm or grace. None of you have walked in their shoes so try some compassion on.
In the past when I've had trouble coping during a difficult time in my life, not seeing clearly is part of the mixed bag. We all need time to process and work through the sh*t that affects us. And it's the same for every damn one of you and you know it. This poster has also had some early childhood trauma and maybe PTSD is a part of that. This online forum has been an outlet, but at least they're posting and not off somewhere having a breakdown alone.

I'm quite sure most of you have suffered with your mental health at some point in your life, and how would you want to be treated and spoken to? It's so easy isn't it, to sit nameless and faceless behind your keyboards and tear someone else down. Some of you need to take a hard look at yourselves. This poster is actually a real person, remember that and act accordingly. FFS.

threetrees

Is it an Irish thing that people refer to the place they grew up in as Home? I know lots of people living in Dublin who go "home" to see their parents. They might be in Dublin 40 years and have a house or home in Dublin but still refer to their childhood town or village as "home". To ask if they miss "home" is just a conversation maker. I'm guilty of it myself with non Dublin Irish people and non Irish people. There's nothing sinister, nosey or racist in it.

lawred2

Racist?

Ffs...

OP, people are trying to be nice. It's conversation making. It's not remotely 'racist' and you can be as personal or impersonal in your response as you like.

I'm from Cork living in Dublin and get asked it quite frequently... 'do you think you'll ever head home?' etc

lawred2

threetrees wrote: »

Is it an Irish thing that people refer to the place they grew up in as Home? I know lots of people living in Dublin who go "home" to see their parents. They might be in Dublin 40 years and have a house or home in Dublin but still refer to their childhood town or village as "home". To ask if they miss "home" is just a conversation maker. I'm guilty of it myself with non Dublin Irish people and non Irish people. There's nothing sinister, nosey or racist in it.

I wouldn't have thought referring to where you come from and probably where your parents still live as 'home' being a 'uniquely' Irish thing!

qwerty13

Stateofyou wrote: »

You keyboard warriors need to get a grip on yourselves. In the TITLE of this issue are the words "having trouble coping." And many of you are quite clearly kicking this poster while they're down. Having trouble coping would include not being able to see things clearly or with as much calm or grace. None of you have walked in their shoes so try some compassion on.
In the past when I've had trouble coping during a difficult time in my life, not seeing clearly is part of the mixed bag. We all need time to process and work through the sh*t that affects us. And it's the same for every damn one of you and you know it. This poster has also had some early childhood trauma and maybe PTSD is a part of that. This online forum has been an outlet, but at least they're posting and not off somewhere having a breakdown alone.

I'm quite sure most of you have suffered with your mental health at some point in your life, and how would you want to be treated and spoken to? It's so easy isn't it, to sit nameless and faceless behind your keyboards and tear someone else down. Some of you need to take a hard look at yourselves. This poster is actually a real person, remember that and act accordingly. FFS.

I don’t want to get into a back and forth, but I think your comment is unfair, and also unhelpful to the OP.

Just because people aren’t telling the OP that they’re perfectly right to feel like world is out to get them does not equate to kicking them when they’re down. ETA: In fact it is absolutely core to the OP’s various threads that they need to learn to deal with the fact that others can have differing views from them, and that this doesn’t make other people wrong, and doesn’t make them a victim.

Lots of people here have pointed out that there is a destructive pattern of thinking being displayed by the OP, for which doing something about (like counselling) would be good. And that nothing will change or improve for them while they hold on to their current pattern of thinking. I don’t think people are out of order to say that. And I don’t think it’s at all helpful to the OP to tell them that they’re right, everyone around them is wrong, and that (more importantly) the way they currently view the world is ok. Because it’s not. It’s self destructive and is bringing them unhappiness.

My 2 cents, and I’m out.

woodchuck

Mod warning:

@Stateofyou, I've deleted your posts due to backseat modding and off topic posting. If you have a problem with a post, report it and the mod team will deal with it.

@lawred, your original post above fell short of the standard expected here. I see you have now edited it to add advice so I won't take any further action on this at this time. However please keep in mind the standard of posting expected in PI before posting again.

Graces7

SO sorry you are struggling

I am English and came to Ireland nearly 20 years ago and of course folk asked questions. As you would have maybe wondered re their family situations?

WHen I moved out here to a small island I was well, all but interrogated re my IRISH involvement! A Kind of pedigree!

This has happened before and i do have Irish ancestry in 2 families. So I prepared for this, and I accept that many Irish folk are very .. clannish and make no fuss and go along with it .

Have simple answers ready ? That is what I did. Carefully worded to make further "intrusion" hard. Take no offence and do not
take offence.
I just said that I have no living family left and love living in Ireland and it is my home now. That is enough. There is no need to explain anything more than that. Change the topic to something local? Have something ready to ask about?

Keep it simple. Superficial. It is just conversation.

When someone has asked too much I just change the subject very quietly. That is your prerogative. Folk will only go further if you allow it, whether here or in the UK.

Hope you feel easier as time goes on? I also accepted that in many ways I am not going to be " accepted"; in Scotland they say that you do not belong unless your grandparents are buried in the local graveyard.

That is outdated but still leaves a mark. You are still new there!

And yes, you are overthinking !

Graces7

I think it is or more deeply meaningful here. Especially in rural areas where generations down the line they still refer to " the home place" , even sometimes when it is in ruins.

Folk are more mobile these days. I hail from Lancashire but would never refer to it or England as home. Home is where I am now.

lawred2 wrote: »

I wouldn't have thought referring to where you come from and probably where your parents still live as 'home' being a 'uniquely' Irish thing!

M5

The OP gets mad about people making small talk about issues that are specifically sensitive to them (and not the general population), and wants everybody to respect that these issues are off limits (without telling anyone).

I have plenty of similar conversations with people and simply steer them away, or if they dont take the hint reinforce the message politely.

Sleepy

Stateofyou wrote: »

That is completely false. You do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD to use or identify with that term. I don't know where you got that idea but it's seriously ridiculous.
I don't think "most Irish people" would roll their eyes and think drama queen, but you are obviously that type. Work on your empathy and maybe don't post in this forum if you're going to be as rude as all that. There are better and more respectful ways to say things.

Before being co-opted by internet drama queens, that's exactly what the term "triggered" was used for. The world is not a fluffy cuddly place, neither for humans, nor other animals.

And, while I can only speak to my own experience, most people I know do react to someone whining about being "triggered" in exactly the way I described. Maybe we're of different generations and backgrounds and your experience has been different but that's been mine. Most won't actually physically roll their eyes but they'll do so mentally and catalogue the speaker as a "dose".

The OP is taking offence where none is being given. She's clearly had a traumatic childhood and while I can certainly empathise with that, it's the not the issue she's posting about. She's posting about an imagined slight and, frankly, empathy isn't warranted in this scenario: a dose of reality is. Offering empathy for someone who is imagining problems where none exist is probably counter-productive and less helpful than encouraging them to question their perception of the world around them.

rainbowtrout

Stateofyou wrote: »

You keyboard warriors need to get a grip on yourselves. In the TITLE of this issue are the words "having trouble coping." And many of you are quite clearly kicking this poster while they're down. Having trouble coping would include not being able to see things clearly or with as much calm or grace. None of you have walked in their shoes so try some compassion on.
In the past when I've had trouble coping during a difficult time in my life, not seeing clearly is part of the mixed bag. We all need time to process and work through the sh*t that affects us. And it's the same for every damn one of you and you know it. This poster has also had some early childhood trauma and maybe PTSD is a part of that. This online forum has been an outlet, but at least they're posting and not off somewhere having a breakdown alone.

I'm quite sure most of you have suffered with your mental health at some point in your life, and how would you want to be treated and spoken to? It's so easy isn't it, to sit nameless and faceless behind your keyboards and tear someone else down. Some of you need to take a hard look at yourselves. This poster is actually a real person, remember that and act accordingly. FFS.

The OP is pulling the racism card when people ask him 'Do you miss home?' He's being asked a simple, reasonable question that you could be asked in any country in the world. He's basically saying he finds everyday actions racist and offensive, and that is ridiculous. The OP has a history of posts of a similar nature.

Stateofyou

Sleepy wrote: »

Before being co-opted by internet drama queens, that's exactly what the term "triggered" was used for. The world is not a fluffy cuddly place, neither for humans, nor other animals.

And, while I can only speak to my own experience, most people I know do react to someone whining about being "triggered" in exactly the way I described. Maybe we're of different generations and backgrounds and your experience has been different but that's been mine. Most won't actually physically roll their eyes but they'll do so mentally and catalogue the speaker as a "dose".

The OP is taking offence where none is being given. She's clearly had a traumatic childhood and while I can certainly empathise with that, it's the not the issue she's posting about. She's posting about an imagined slight and, frankly, empathy isn't warranted in this scenario: a dose of reality is. Offering empathy for someone who is imagining problems where none exist is probably counter-productive and less helpful than encouraging them to question their perception of the world around them.

"Internet drama queens" pretty much sums up you POV, but it is a legitimate term and to say that the world isn't a fluffy cuddly place in relation to that term is belittling nonsense. We all know how the world works.

TRIGGERED
experiencing a strong emotional reaction of fear, shock, anger, or worry, especially because you are made to remember something bad that has happened in the past.

Offense has been given, and it's not for you or I to decide, it's the impact people's words have whether they intended to offend or not.

Here's what the OP says in the first post: "Now it's not just the question that is the problem. It's the tone of voice, the obstinacy, and their unwillingness to actually listen to what I have to say."

That is part of the problem, like it or not. This is their experience and you're only belittling it. <mod snip>.

Empathy is warranted to everyone, actually. The feelings of family experience is linked because that experience is ALSO talked about by the OP and therefore related, so maybe go back and read the posts properly.

What is counterproductive actually is being dismissive of someone's experience and their feelings about it. Being rude and saying this poster is imagining offense is counterproductive. The offense is there whether it's intended or not, people find it hard to cope, so what's needed is advice for people in how to cope with that - or let them rant and just be supportive. Cutting someone down in rude responses is what is counterproductive and not on.

Pablo_Flox

They are making small talk, no one really give a fiddlers to be honest.

M5

Stateofyou wrote: »

"Internet drama queens" pretty much sums up you POV, but it is a legitimate term and to say that the world isn't a fluffy cuddly place in relation to that term is belittling nonsense. We all know how the world works.

TRIGGERED
experiencing a strong emotional reaction of fear, shock, anger, or worry, especially because you are made to remember something bad that has happened in the past.

Offense has been given, and it's not for you or I to decide, it's the impact people's words have whether they intended to offend or not.

Here's what the OP says in the first post: "Now it's not just the question that is the problem. It's the tone of voice, the obstinacy, and their unwillingness to actually listen to what I have to say."

That is part of the problem, like it or not. This is their experience and you're only belittling it. Which is not allowed in this forum.

Empathy is warranted to everyone, actually. The feelings of family experience is linked because that experience is ALSO talked about by the OP and therefore related, so maybe go back and read the posts properly.

What is counterproductive actually is being dismissive of someone's experience and their feelings about it. Being rude and saying this poster is imagining offense is counterproductive. The offense is there whether it's intended or not, people find it hard to cope, so what's needed is advice for people in how to cope with that - or let them rant and just be supportive. Cutting someone down in rude responses is what is counterproductive and not on.

Sorry, but one the key points in the Ops post is framing this as racism. That's why they are getting the reaction they have. Curious that you left that part out despite making some salient points!