having trouble coping with intrusion

chris525

This is a bit of a rant but it's something that I'm struggling with.

I moved to Ireland with my Irish husband in 2016. We did not like where we were living before and could not wait to get out of there. We HATED it.

Since I've moved here some people ask me "Do you miss home?".

Here's the problem I have with this:

1. It's kind of racist. Someone who did not grow up in Ireland cannot consider Ireland to be home? Do they view me as just some pitiful foreigner? When will I no longer be asked these questions? 5 years, 10+?
2. It's very personal. You know don't me, anything about me or my history, and my reasons for moving.
3. I moved a long time ago. I'm starting to forget what life was like in the past and I'm glad for that.
4. My house in Ireland that I've been paying for the past 3 years is my home.

Now it's not just the question that is the problem. It's the tone of voice, the obstinacy, and their unwillingness to actually listen to what I have to say.

For example, if they ask me "Do you miss home?" and I say "No, I don't" it doesn't seem to register in their head and they keep prying.

They say things like, "Oh, you married a foreigner". This puzzles me and is deeply personal. Where I'm from marrying someone from the Anglo-sphere is not really a foreigner and also I've only ever dated foreigners. I have never been in a relationship with someone from my own country. I can't help it; I'm just not attracted! Also, where I'm from there is mass immigration so there are a lot of different people living there. Why would they not know that about one of the G8 countries?

They go on further to say things like, "Do you miss your family?". This really puzzles me. I have a husband and 2 kids here in Ireland with me. Are they not my family? I'm assuming they mean my extended relatives. "No, I don't".

"Do your parents come to visit a lot?" Parents plural? My father hasn't come around to see me in over 20 years and my mother is unstable.

What if:

• you're just not a family person
• you just don't like where you are from
• your family of origin is crazy and dysfunctional
• it's just too personal
• etc. etc.

Will they judge you if they knew the truth?

These are things that someone you hardly know should not be prying into. It's nosy and rude.

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

Addle

You’re over thinking it.
People are just making conversation most of the time, to be nice.
They don’t really care what your response is going to be.
If you want to avoid answering questions, maybe ask more yourself.

Xterminator

hi op

It's kind of racist. No it isnt. People who come from one county to another are ofen asked if they miss home. Irish people ask other irish people this all the time. You are taking offense, but you are misunderstanding the reason for the question and attributing a malign motive due to your personal feelings.

its very personal yes it can be. It is a cultural thing, often irish people will ask questions like hows it going, how are you etc. they dont want you to discuss your mental health, and how your digestive system is etc. Its another way of making conversation, and you need only share the details you wish. In fact they dont want to you got into great detail at all. It is intended as polite conversation.

So next time your asked a question you would rather no answer, dont share any details you dont want. its conversation and you can steer it away form any topic you dont like. If they are insistent, be blunter.

hows it going? grand thanks.
how are you feeling? not too bad,
do you miss home? sure this is my home now
do your parents come over often? when they can/ i am an orphan/ sure the guards wouldnt ask me that
what made you marry an Irishman/woman? the accent was sexy/ mind your own business

Skyfarm

Yup kinda racist,esp if your receiving it.. but I moved to West cork from the city years ago and I'm a blow in
I used to get upset about until the local principal told me he was a blowin from 2 miles away

My guess is these are questions to "find out" about you,do u have a mother /father still alive etc

The going home bit is answerable by saying "I'm home"

It's very hard to take the weight of racism ,give you a break by breathing and finding out a bit more about these people
Maybe they know your hubby's family? Is that a way to have a "house warming"

Your right in your thoughts,how you react is your right.. be easy on you

chris525

Addle wrote: »

You’re over thinking it.
People are just making conversation most of the time, to be nice.
They don’t really care what your response is going to be.
If you want to avoid answering questions, maybe ask more yourself.

In one particular situation I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction by talking about our kids (they go to the same school) and she would not take a hint.

Sleepy

From an Irish perspective you're taking offence to people trying to being friendly.

We're a people with a long history of emigration that was largely forced by economic circumstances. While there were undoubtedly a decent percentage of those emigrants fleeing awkward/toxic family situations, religious persecution (Ireland wouldn't have been a comfortable place to live for an atheist or non-Catholic until relatively recently) etc. a huge number left Ireland for London, America and Australia not because they wanted to, but because they had no other way of making a life for themselves. This led to a huge number of the Irish diaspora who longed for home and it's a notable feature of our artistic heritage (songs like "I wish I was back home in Derry", "The Streets of London" etc).

The questions you're taking offence to are born of a cultural awareness that emigrants often miss their native "home" and the family they've left behind. They're being asked as a means of showing interest in, and concern for, you. Try to keep this in mind when someone's annoying you with the questions and instead of getting annoyed by it, accept the intention behind their questioning and re-frame the conversation by asking about them: "have you always lived here?" etc. Of course, there's also the aspect that most of our generation were raised in what was, until the mid 90's, effectively a mono-culture. Many of us are fascinated by other cultures (just look at how popular "gap years" are here) and these questions might be coming from a place of curiosity about your native land.

When will the questions end? Possibly never if you're living rurally tbh. There's truth to the quip that you're a "blow in" until you're the third generation of your family to be raised in some areas. Rural Ireland can be very clannish.

You're not going to change this behaviour. Particularly as you're only likely to have to endure it the first time you meet someone. You can only control how you react to it and if you can try to remind yourself that these questions are meant in a good way, i.e. that of showing care and concern for you, maybe that might help you to endure them...

SusieBlue

Based on your previous threads I think perhaps you are being a bit oversensitive and reading into it too much.

I think people are just trying to make polite conversation with you and you are taking unnecessary offense. I doubt anyone asking even cares what your answer is, I have friends from abroad and when initially getting to know them, those are questions I would have asked to make conversation.
Not because I was prying, racist, or judging them.

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

Based on your previous threads I think perhaps you are being a bit oversensitive and reading into it too much.

I think people are just trying to make polite conversation with you and you are taking unnecessary offense. I doubt anyone asking even cares what your answer is, I have friends from abroad and when initially getting to know them, those are questions I would have asked to make conversation.
Not because I was prying, racist, or judging them.

Well if someone said "No, I hate where I grew up and I don't miss my family at all." What you would think? You'd think they were a bit of a jerk.

Diceicle

Jaysus, Paddy can't win can he?

Don't talk to the foreigners - you're racist.
Do talk to the foreigners - you're nosey......and a racist.

OP, you're being a bit sensitive. Asking personal questions isn't racist. Nor is it purely an Irish thing (not that you inferred it was).
Go to Bali or Thailand and curious Indonesian and Thai people will ask you all sorts of 'personal' questions.

It means they're interested in you - not part of the Klan.

meeeeh

OP either you need help above what can be offered here or you are a troll. I don't think any response here will make a difference.

SusieBlue

chris525 wrote: »

Well if someone said "No, I hate where I grew up and I don't miss my family at all." What you would think? You'd think they were a bit of a jerk.

I wouldn't think that at all, but I wouldn't pry any further either because its clearly a sensitive issues.

I have things I'm sensitive about myself but I don't fly off the handle & get offended every time it comes up in casual conversation.
I just give a vague, general answer and change the topic to something I want to talk about.

For example, if someone asks if I'm single, or why I've been single of over a year now, I'd say something like "Ah you know yourself, its hard to meet people these days!".
I wouldn't say "I'm single cause my long term partner cheated on me & dumped me out of the blue & I'm struggling to meet someone because I'm still working through the emotional trauma that caused".... Which would be closer to the actual truth.

People aren't out to get you, they are just trying to be friendly.

jimmycrackcorm

I've lived in my house in Dublin for over 20 years ago it's my home. However I'm from down the country so if I'm asked if I would like to move neck home one day, they are referring to where I'm from originally.

chris525

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I've lived in my house in Dublin for over 20 years ago it's my home. However I'm from down the country so if I'm asked if I would like to move neck home one day, they are referring to where I'm from originally.

That's OK but why is where you are from originally so important?

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

I wouldn't think that at all, but I wouldn't pry any further either because its clearly a sensitive issues.

I have things I'm sensitive about myself but I don't fly off the handle & get offended every time it comes up in casual conversation.
I just give a vague, general answer and change the topic to something I want to talk about.

For example, if someone asks if I'm single, or why I've been single of over a year now, I'd say something like "Ah you know yourself, its hard to meet people these days!".
I wouldn't say "I'm single cause my long term partner cheated on me & dumped me out of the blue & I'm struggling to meet someone because I'm still working through the emotional trauma that caused".... Which would be closer to the actual truth.

People aren't out to get you, they are just trying to be friendly.

Thanks for that.

I suppose I've had people in the past really misunderstand me and it hurts. For example, if I say that I'm not close to my mother and we don't get along they blame me.

My husband's family is especially guilty of this. They think it's just a tiny squabble but my mother is unstable and has been verbally abusive. It's something I'm sensitive about and when someone blames me without knowing the entire story, it hurts. They are so closed minded that they can't imagine a different situation. I'm afraid of people being like this.

DaeryssaOne

chris525 wrote: »

That's OK but why is where you are from originally so important?

It isn't. As has been said in pretty much every single response in this thread, people are just making conversation / being polite.

OP from your previous threads it seems that you are somebody who really needs proper counselling - every thread you start here has you playing the victim and being overly sensitive to absolutely every single thing - nothing anyone says here will ever help you to see this and force you to change but I think decent counselling might.

chris525

DaeryssaOne wrote: »

It isn't. As has been said in pretty much every single response in this thread, people are just making conversation / being polite.

OP from your previous threads it seems that you are somebody who really needs proper counselling - every thread you start here has you playing the victim and being overly sensitive to absolutely every single thing - nothing anyone says here will ever help you to see this and force you to change but I think decent counselling might.

I've already seen many counsellors in my life and not one has ever helped me.

qwerty13

You are WAY overthinking this OP. And I say that as someone who really dislikes small talk to semi-strangers. It’s as though you’re absolutely determined to take the worst interpretation possible from this harmless interaction.

ETA: Given this, your previous threads, and your assertion that no counsellor has ever been any help to you, my take on things is that it is YOUR thinking that needs to change - not your family, or people making small talk to you.

chris525

Sleepy wrote: »

From an Irish perspective you're taking offence to people trying to being friendly.

We're a people with a long history of emigration that was largely forced by economic circumstances. While there were undoubtedly a decent percentage of those emigrants fleeing awkward/toxic family situations, religious persecution (Ireland wouldn't have been a comfortable place to live for an atheist or non-Catholic until relatively recently) etc. a huge number left Ireland for London, America and Australia not because they wanted to, but because they had no other way of making a life for themselves. This led to a huge number of the Irish diaspora who longed for home and it's a notable feature of our artistic heritage (songs like "I wish I was back home in Derry", "The Streets of London" etc).

The questions you're taking offence to are born of a cultural awareness that emigrants often miss their native "home" and the family they've left behind. They're being asked as a means of showing interest in, and concern for, you. Try to keep this in mind when someone's annoying you with the questions and instead of getting annoyed by it, accept the intention behind their questioning and re-frame the conversation by asking about them: "have you always lived here?" etc. Of course, there's also the aspect that most of our generation were raised in what was, until the mid 90's, effectively a mono-culture. Many of us are fascinated by other cultures (just look at how popular "gap years" are here) and these questions might be coming from a place of curiosity about your native land.

When will the questions end? Possibly never if you're living rurally tbh. There's truth to the quip that you're a "blow in" until you're the third generation of your family to be raised in some areas. Rural Ireland can be very clannish.

You're not going to change this behaviour. Particularly as you're only likely to have to endure it the first time you meet someone. You can only control how you react to it and if you can try to remind yourself that these questions are meant in a good way, i.e. that of showing care and concern for you, maybe that might help you to endure them...

Maybe this is a cultural clash?

I don't view moving from one place to another that big of a deal. Sure you have to get used to it but oh well.

I don't appreciate people being 'concerned'. I'm independent and dislike people trying to help. I dislike having the perception of needing help.

chris525

qwerty13 wrote: »

You are WAY overthinking this OP. And I say that as someone who really dislikes small talk to semi-strangers. It’s as though you’re absolutely determined to take the worst interpretation possible from this harmless interaction.

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

qwerty13

chris525 wrote: »

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

But that’s your problem that it triggers you - not the people who are harmlessly asking boring questions to be friendly. And it’s your problem to do something about it.

SusieBlue

qwerty13 wrote: »

But that’s your problem that it triggers you - not the people who are harmlessly asking boring questions to be friendly. And it’s your problem to do something about it.

I second this. You can't expect people to tiptoe around you, its up to you to sort those issues OP.
Strangers aren't to know that your so oversensitive & easily vexed about being asked bog standard, polite questions.

Tiddlypeeps

chris525 wrote: »

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

It is totally acceptable in a conversation to let people know that a topic of discussion is off limits. Regardless of if it's someone close to you or just someone you hardly know making small talk, it's totally fine to say something like "I don't like talking about where I'm from" or "I don't like talking about my extended family" and then just change the subject. That will kill any conversation about the subject 99.9% of the time. And the very rare occasion someone pushes further then they are obviously a rude asshole so it would be totally fine to just leave the conversation.


If these types of conversations really trigger you that badly then you need to learn off a couple of phrases that will just kill the conversation immediately and hopefully after a while the anxiety about the possibility of people prying further will lessen. The people close to you will very quickly learn to stop asking these types of questions altogether.

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

I second this. You can't expect people to tiptoe around you, its up to you to sort those issues OP.
Strangers aren't to know that your so oversensitive & easily vexed about being asked bog standard, polite questions.

Well I don't say anything to the people I just struggle with my feelings afterwards.

Sleepy

chris525 wrote: »

Maybe this is a cultural clash?

I don't view moving from one place to another that big of a deal. Sure you have to get used to it but oh well.

I don't appreciate people being 'concerned'. I'm independent and dislike people trying to help. I dislike having the perception of needing help.

I don't think so tbh. Any time I've lived abroad I've had loads of questions asked of me about my home country too. It might be more common here and in other historically monocultural countries that have experienced mass emigration than in those born of immigration but it's certainly not a uniquely Irish thing.

No one asking these questions is trying to help you in any way other than showing that they'd understand if you missed home and, assuming they're Irish, will respond positively to a response like "ah, I prefer it here" or "sure isn't [your partner's name] here and home is where the heart is!" etc. and move on with the conversation. If the only thing they know about you is that you're from another country, it's the most natural thing for them to ask you about. Steer the conversation somewhere else. Ask about them. Find out what ye have in common that you can discuss together.

chris525 wrote: »

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

chris525

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

It is totally acceptable in a conversation to let people know that a topic of discussion is off limits. Regardless of if it's someone close to you or just someone you hardly know making small talk, it's totally fine to say something like "I don't like talking about where I'm from" or "I don't like talking about my extended family" and then just change the subject. That will kill any conversation about the subject 99.9% of the time. And the very rare occasion someone pushes further then they are obviously a rude asshole so it would be totally fine to just leave the conversation.


If these types of conversations really trigger you that badly then you need to learn off a couple of phrases that will just kill the conversation immediately and hopefully after a while the anxiety about the possibility of people prying further will lessen. The people close to you will very quickly learn to stop asking these types of questions altogether.

That's a very good answer.

I guess last time it happened I wasn't prepared for it at all. It was not what I was expecting at all and out of the blue. Especially since I haven't seen that person in months and we are near strangers. I didn't expect her to try to analyse my extended family at that time.

I did try to change the subject but she wouldn't. I tried to talk about our kids etc. but she would not let this family thing go.

I'm comfortable talking about my family to someone who might understand; if I feel that they can understand I will open up but this particular person clearly can not take hints.

chris525

Sleepy wrote: »

I don't think so tbh. Any time I've lived abroad I've had loads of questions asked of me about my home country too. It might be more common here and in other historically monocultural countries that have experienced mass emigration than in those born of immigration but it's certainly not a uniquely Irish thing.

No one asking these questions is trying to help you in any way other than showing that they'd understand if you missed home and, assuming they're Irish, will respond positive to a response like "ah, I prefer it here" or "sure isn't
[your partner's name] here and home is where the heart is!" etc.



You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

I find this to be highly dismissive of someone who has experience a tremendous amount of hurt and turmoil in their lives. Not everyone has the privilege of being 'laid back'. I don't think you would feel 'laid back if your parents were constantly screaming at you since the age of 1.

Xterminator

I would suggest being blunt with someone who doesn't take notice of your deflection. If you can do that with a tiny bit of humour it might soften the blow.

like i suggested ealier "sure the guards wouldn't ask me that" is a good way to avoid a personal question. But if they are insistent, then stand your ground. 'Im not comfortable sharing that information', or 'that is a private matter'

It is entirely up to you what information you share.

chris525

Sleepy wrote: »

I don't think so tbh. Any time I've lived abroad I've had loads of questions asked of me about my home country too. It might be more common here and in other historically monocultural countries that have experienced mass emigration than in those born of immigration but it's certainly not a uniquely Irish thing.

No one asking these questions is trying to help you in any way other than showing that they'd understand if you missed home and, assuming they're Irish, will respond positively to a response like "ah, I prefer it here" or "sure isn't [your partner's name] here and home is where the heart is!" etc. and move on with the conversation. If the only thing they know about you is that you're from another country, it's the most natural thing for them to ask you about. Steer the conversation somewhere else. Ask about them. Find out what ye have in common that you can discuss together.





You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

I also want to say that asking about your home country is not the same as asking about your own personal feelings about it.

E.g. asking where good tourist spots are and what the capitol is is completely different that asking why you don't like it there. Personal vs not personal

I'd be delighted if someone asked me something factual.

baby and crumble

Like most people have already said, OP, people don't really care what your response is to these kinds of questions initially. Like someone else who responded, I moved to Dublin 20 years ago and I still get called a culchie, I still get asked would I ever think about moving home, the whole thing. I mean, I'm married and own a house here now, but once people hear an accent, or find out I'm not from here originally they ask about it. It's something easy - usually - to make small talk about.

And likewise nobody knows or expects you to have had trauma in your life to date, so they'll usually base their perception of you on their own lives. They are putting themselves in your shoes and thinking how much they might miss their parents etc if they were to move to a different country. It's literally nothing to do with you. And some people are just dense and won't drop a subject when it's obvious to everyone else that it's super awkward - which sounds like that person you were speaking about and her questions about your family.

As an example, my Mam died 10 years ago, and obviously when I meet new people I get asked about my family, in small talk. I'll usually say where my Dad and brothers are living, and whoever it is will ask what about my Mam. They don't know she's dead and that I still get a bit upset about it, do they? How could they. They're just being curious, which is quite an Irish thing.

Tiddlypeeps

chris525 wrote: »

That's a very good answer.

I guess last time it happened I wasn't prepared for it at all. It was not what I was expecting at all and out of the blue. Especially since I haven't seen that person in months and we are near strangers. I didn't expect her to try to analyse my extended family at that time.

I did try to change the subject but she wouldn't. I tried to talk about our kids etc. but she would not let this family thing go.

I'm comfortable talking about my family to someone who might understand; if I feel that they can understand I will open up but this particular person clearly can not take hints.

If someone is really that rude and socially oblivious and a friendly "I don't want to talk about that" doesn't work and they keep pushing it's totally acceptable to double down and say "I said I don't want to talk about it". Any outside observers will 100% think the person you are talking to is being rude so don't be afraid of being firm. Nobody can force you to discuss something you don't want to discuss.

Stateofyou

You're entitled to feel the way you do! I completely get it, I've been an immigrant myself and I also have close friends who are or who have had that experience which is really eye opening.

No one should be belittling you on this forum, that is completely ridiculous.

I can see how those comments and questions are triggering and frustrating. When you're an immigrant you get these questions all the time and there's then a feeling of not being allowed to just settle in and be treated like everyone else. I've lived in bigger melting pots of cultures and so you don't get the kinds of questions in those places/countries like you do here in Ireland. I remember a work colleague telling me how frustrated she was that she still can't shop at her local supervalu without getting questions from the butcher or checker about being on her holidays and how long is she here for and she's been here 7 years and shops there every. single. week. To say she's over it would be an understatement. Whereas when I lived abroad (in the melting pot place) my accent was never commented on in any deeper way than "I love your accent!" if at all. I wasn't made to feel like I didn't fit in.

I also share your trigger of people asking about family of origin stuff, as does my wife. The story is many people can't even relate and so they have really weird reactions. Throughout our life we've been pitied, snubbed, looked down on like we were the problem, etc. I've learned to give as little detail as possible (look up the grey wall method) and when in Ireland, definitely give a smart/funny/sarcastic reply back. If you can be witty or make them laugh it's dropped. Someone gave some good examples earlier, run with those!

But generally people don't mean to be insensitive (and it's definitely not racist) they just have no experience of it. It makes me think of the time I asked the wife of an old friend seated next to me at an engagement party if they were thinking of having kids (we were talking about mine). She stiffened up and wouldn't look at me for a good while after that. Later I found out they had been trying for years and didn't have success as of yet and it was difficult for them constantly getting pressure and questions over it. It was a real eye opener for me after that point that you just don't ask anyone those kinds of questions. You live and learn and now I don't. People have blind spots so try and forgive them for theirs and do what you can to mind your triggers and mental health and avoid the potholes by going grey.