having trouble coping with intrusion

chris525

This is a bit of a rant but it's something that I'm struggling with.

I moved to Ireland with my Irish husband in 2016. We did not like where we were living before and could not wait to get out of there. We HATED it.

Since I've moved here some people ask me "Do you miss home?".

Here's the problem I have with this:

1. It's kind of racist. Someone who did not grow up in Ireland cannot consider Ireland to be home? Do they view me as just some pitiful foreigner? When will I no longer be asked these questions? 5 years, 10+?
2. It's very personal. You know don't me, anything about me or my history, and my reasons for moving.
3. I moved a long time ago. I'm starting to forget what life was like in the past and I'm glad for that.
4. My house in Ireland that I've been paying for the past 3 years is my home.

Now it's not just the question that is the problem. It's the tone of voice, the obstinacy, and their unwillingness to actually listen to what I have to say.

For example, if they ask me "Do you miss home?" and I say "No, I don't" it doesn't seem to register in their head and they keep prying.

They say things like, "Oh, you married a foreigner". This puzzles me and is deeply personal. Where I'm from marrying someone from the Anglo-sphere is not really a foreigner and also I've only ever dated foreigners. I have never been in a relationship with someone from my own country. I can't help it; I'm just not attracted! Also, where I'm from there is mass immigration so there are a lot of different people living there. Why would they not know that about one of the G8 countries?

They go on further to say things like, "Do you miss your family?". This really puzzles me. I have a husband and 2 kids here in Ireland with me. Are they not my family? I'm assuming they mean my extended relatives. "No, I don't".

"Do your parents come to visit a lot?" Parents plural? My father hasn't come around to see me in over 20 years and my mother is unstable.

What if:

• you're just not a family person
• you just don't like where you are from
• your family of origin is crazy and dysfunctional
• it's just too personal
• etc. etc.

Will they judge you if they knew the truth?

These are things that someone you hardly know should not be prying into. It's nosy and rude.

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

Addle

You’re over thinking it.
People are just making conversation most of the time, to be nice.
They don’t really care what your response is going to be.
If you want to avoid answering questions, maybe ask more yourself.

Xterminator

hi op

It's kind of racist. No it isnt. People who come from one county to another are ofen asked if they miss home. Irish people ask other irish people this all the time. You are taking offense, but you are misunderstanding the reason for the question and attributing a malign motive due to your personal feelings.

its very personal yes it can be. It is a cultural thing, often irish people will ask questions like hows it going, how are you etc. they dont want you to discuss your mental health, and how your digestive system is etc. Its another way of making conversation, and you need only share the details you wish. In fact they dont want to you got into great detail at all. It is intended as polite conversation.

So next time your asked a question you would rather no answer, dont share any details you dont want. its conversation and you can steer it away form any topic you dont like. If they are insistent, be blunter.

hows it going? grand thanks.
how are you feeling? not too bad,
do you miss home? sure this is my home now
do your parents come over often? when they can/ i am an orphan/ sure the guards wouldnt ask me that
what made you marry an Irishman/woman? the accent was sexy/ mind your own business

Skyfarm

Yup kinda racist,esp if your receiving it.. but I moved to West cork from the city years ago and I'm a blow in
I used to get upset about until the local principal told me he was a blowin from 2 miles away

My guess is these are questions to "find out" about you,do u have a mother /father still alive etc

The going home bit is answerable by saying "I'm home"

It's very hard to take the weight of racism ,give you a break by breathing and finding out a bit more about these people
Maybe they know your hubby's family? Is that a way to have a "house warming"

Your right in your thoughts,how you react is your right.. be easy on you

chris525

Addle wrote: »

You’re over thinking it.
People are just making conversation most of the time, to be nice.
They don’t really care what your response is going to be.
If you want to avoid answering questions, maybe ask more yourself.

In one particular situation I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction by talking about our kids (they go to the same school) and she would not take a hint.

Sleepy

From an Irish perspective you're taking offence to people trying to being friendly.

We're a people with a long history of emigration that was largely forced by economic circumstances. While there were undoubtedly a decent percentage of those emigrants fleeing awkward/toxic family situations, religious persecution (Ireland wouldn't have been a comfortable place to live for an atheist or non-Catholic until relatively recently) etc. a huge number left Ireland for London, America and Australia not because they wanted to, but because they had no other way of making a life for themselves. This led to a huge number of the Irish diaspora who longed for home and it's a notable feature of our artistic heritage (songs like "I wish I was back home in Derry", "The Streets of London" etc).

The questions you're taking offence to are born of a cultural awareness that emigrants often miss their native "home" and the family they've left behind. They're being asked as a means of showing interest in, and concern for, you. Try to keep this in mind when someone's annoying you with the questions and instead of getting annoyed by it, accept the intention behind their questioning and re-frame the conversation by asking about them: "have you always lived here?" etc. Of course, there's also the aspect that most of our generation were raised in what was, until the mid 90's, effectively a mono-culture. Many of us are fascinated by other cultures (just look at how popular "gap years" are here) and these questions might be coming from a place of curiosity about your native land.

When will the questions end? Possibly never if you're living rurally tbh. There's truth to the quip that you're a "blow in" until you're the third generation of your family to be raised in some areas. Rural Ireland can be very clannish.

You're not going to change this behaviour. Particularly as you're only likely to have to endure it the first time you meet someone. You can only control how you react to it and if you can try to remind yourself that these questions are meant in a good way, i.e. that of showing care and concern for you, maybe that might help you to endure them...

SusieBlue

Based on your previous threads I think perhaps you are being a bit oversensitive and reading into it too much.

I think people are just trying to make polite conversation with you and you are taking unnecessary offense. I doubt anyone asking even cares what your answer is, I have friends from abroad and when initially getting to know them, those are questions I would have asked to make conversation.
Not because I was prying, racist, or judging them.

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

Based on your previous threads I think perhaps you are being a bit oversensitive and reading into it too much.

I think people are just trying to make polite conversation with you and you are taking unnecessary offense. I doubt anyone asking even cares what your answer is, I have friends from abroad and when initially getting to know them, those are questions I would have asked to make conversation.
Not because I was prying, racist, or judging them.

Well if someone said "No, I hate where I grew up and I don't miss my family at all." What you would think? You'd think they were a bit of a jerk.

Diceicle

Jaysus, Paddy can't win can he?

Don't talk to the foreigners - you're racist.
Do talk to the foreigners - you're nosey......and a racist.

OP, you're being a bit sensitive. Asking personal questions isn't racist. Nor is it purely an Irish thing (not that you inferred it was).
Go to Bali or Thailand and curious Indonesian and Thai people will ask you all sorts of 'personal' questions.

It means they're interested in you - not part of the Klan.

meeeeh

OP either you need help above what can be offered here or you are a troll. I don't think any response here will make a difference.

SusieBlue

chris525 wrote: »

Well if someone said "No, I hate where I grew up and I don't miss my family at all." What you would think? You'd think they were a bit of a jerk.

I wouldn't think that at all, but I wouldn't pry any further either because its clearly a sensitive issues.

I have things I'm sensitive about myself but I don't fly off the handle & get offended every time it comes up in casual conversation.
I just give a vague, general answer and change the topic to something I want to talk about.

For example, if someone asks if I'm single, or why I've been single of over a year now, I'd say something like "Ah you know yourself, its hard to meet people these days!".
I wouldn't say "I'm single cause my long term partner cheated on me & dumped me out of the blue & I'm struggling to meet someone because I'm still working through the emotional trauma that caused".... Which would be closer to the actual truth.

People aren't out to get you, they are just trying to be friendly.

jimmycrackcorm

I've lived in my house in Dublin for over 20 years ago it's my home. However I'm from down the country so if I'm asked if I would like to move neck home one day, they are referring to where I'm from originally.

chris525

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I've lived in my house in Dublin for over 20 years ago it's my home. However I'm from down the country so if I'm asked if I would like to move neck home one day, they are referring to where I'm from originally.

That's OK but why is where you are from originally so important?

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

I wouldn't think that at all, but I wouldn't pry any further either because its clearly a sensitive issues.

I have things I'm sensitive about myself but I don't fly off the handle & get offended every time it comes up in casual conversation.
I just give a vague, general answer and change the topic to something I want to talk about.

For example, if someone asks if I'm single, or why I've been single of over a year now, I'd say something like "Ah you know yourself, its hard to meet people these days!".
I wouldn't say "I'm single cause my long term partner cheated on me & dumped me out of the blue & I'm struggling to meet someone because I'm still working through the emotional trauma that caused".... Which would be closer to the actual truth.

People aren't out to get you, they are just trying to be friendly.

Thanks for that.

I suppose I've had people in the past really misunderstand me and it hurts. For example, if I say that I'm not close to my mother and we don't get along they blame me.

My husband's family is especially guilty of this. They think it's just a tiny squabble but my mother is unstable and has been verbally abusive. It's something I'm sensitive about and when someone blames me without knowing the entire story, it hurts. They are so closed minded that they can't imagine a different situation. I'm afraid of people being like this.

DaeryssaOne

chris525 wrote: »

That's OK but why is where you are from originally so important?

It isn't. As has been said in pretty much every single response in this thread, people are just making conversation / being polite.

OP from your previous threads it seems that you are somebody who really needs proper counselling - every thread you start here has you playing the victim and being overly sensitive to absolutely every single thing - nothing anyone says here will ever help you to see this and force you to change but I think decent counselling might.

chris525

DaeryssaOne wrote: »

It isn't. As has been said in pretty much every single response in this thread, people are just making conversation / being polite.

OP from your previous threads it seems that you are somebody who really needs proper counselling - every thread you start here has you playing the victim and being overly sensitive to absolutely every single thing - nothing anyone says here will ever help you to see this and force you to change but I think decent counselling might.

I've already seen many counsellors in my life and not one has ever helped me.

qwerty13

You are WAY overthinking this OP. And I say that as someone who really dislikes small talk to semi-strangers. It’s as though you’re absolutely determined to take the worst interpretation possible from this harmless interaction.

ETA: Given this, your previous threads, and your assertion that no counsellor has ever been any help to you, my take on things is that it is YOUR thinking that needs to change - not your family, or people making small talk to you.

chris525

Sleepy wrote: »

From an Irish perspective you're taking offence to people trying to being friendly.

We're a people with a long history of emigration that was largely forced by economic circumstances. While there were undoubtedly a decent percentage of those emigrants fleeing awkward/toxic family situations, religious persecution (Ireland wouldn't have been a comfortable place to live for an atheist or non-Catholic until relatively recently) etc. a huge number left Ireland for London, America and Australia not because they wanted to, but because they had no other way of making a life for themselves. This led to a huge number of the Irish diaspora who longed for home and it's a notable feature of our artistic heritage (songs like "I wish I was back home in Derry", "The Streets of London" etc).

The questions you're taking offence to are born of a cultural awareness that emigrants often miss their native "home" and the family they've left behind. They're being asked as a means of showing interest in, and concern for, you. Try to keep this in mind when someone's annoying you with the questions and instead of getting annoyed by it, accept the intention behind their questioning and re-frame the conversation by asking about them: "have you always lived here?" etc. Of course, there's also the aspect that most of our generation were raised in what was, until the mid 90's, effectively a mono-culture. Many of us are fascinated by other cultures (just look at how popular "gap years" are here) and these questions might be coming from a place of curiosity about your native land.

When will the questions end? Possibly never if you're living rurally tbh. There's truth to the quip that you're a "blow in" until you're the third generation of your family to be raised in some areas. Rural Ireland can be very clannish.

You're not going to change this behaviour. Particularly as you're only likely to have to endure it the first time you meet someone. You can only control how you react to it and if you can try to remind yourself that these questions are meant in a good way, i.e. that of showing care and concern for you, maybe that might help you to endure them...

Maybe this is a cultural clash?

I don't view moving from one place to another that big of a deal. Sure you have to get used to it but oh well.

I don't appreciate people being 'concerned'. I'm independent and dislike people trying to help. I dislike having the perception of needing help.

chris525

qwerty13 wrote: »

You are WAY overthinking this OP. And I say that as someone who really dislikes small talk to semi-strangers. It’s as though you’re absolutely determined to take the worst interpretation possible from this harmless interaction.

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

qwerty13

chris525 wrote: »

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

But that’s your problem that it triggers you - not the people who are harmlessly asking boring questions to be friendly. And it’s your problem to do something about it.

SusieBlue

qwerty13 wrote: »

But that’s your problem that it triggers you - not the people who are harmlessly asking boring questions to be friendly. And it’s your problem to do something about it.

I second this. You can't expect people to tiptoe around you, its up to you to sort those issues OP.
Strangers aren't to know that your so oversensitive & easily vexed about being asked bog standard, polite questions.

Tiddlypeeps

chris525 wrote: »

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

It is totally acceptable in a conversation to let people know that a topic of discussion is off limits. Regardless of if it's someone close to you or just someone you hardly know making small talk, it's totally fine to say something like "I don't like talking about where I'm from" or "I don't like talking about my extended family" and then just change the subject. That will kill any conversation about the subject 99.9% of the time. And the very rare occasion someone pushes further then they are obviously a rude asshole so it would be totally fine to just leave the conversation.


If these types of conversations really trigger you that badly then you need to learn off a couple of phrases that will just kill the conversation immediately and hopefully after a while the anxiety about the possibility of people prying further will lessen. The people close to you will very quickly learn to stop asking these types of questions altogether.

chris525

SusieBlue wrote: »

I second this. You can't expect people to tiptoe around you, its up to you to sort those issues OP.
Strangers aren't to know that your so oversensitive & easily vexed about being asked bog standard, polite questions.

Well I don't say anything to the people I just struggle with my feelings afterwards.

Sleepy

chris525 wrote: »

Maybe this is a cultural clash?

I don't view moving from one place to another that big of a deal. Sure you have to get used to it but oh well.

I don't appreciate people being 'concerned'. I'm independent and dislike people trying to help. I dislike having the perception of needing help.

I don't think so tbh. Any time I've lived abroad I've had loads of questions asked of me about my home country too. It might be more common here and in other historically monocultural countries that have experienced mass emigration than in those born of immigration but it's certainly not a uniquely Irish thing.

No one asking these questions is trying to help you in any way other than showing that they'd understand if you missed home and, assuming they're Irish, will respond positively to a response like "ah, I prefer it here" or "sure isn't [your partner's name] here and home is where the heart is!" etc. and move on with the conversation. If the only thing they know about you is that you're from another country, it's the most natural thing for them to ask you about. Steer the conversation somewhere else. Ask about them. Find out what ye have in common that you can discuss together.

chris525 wrote: »

I guess I find it triggering. It might be harmless or not but it bothers me and triggers me.

I'm very sensitive about where I'm from due to a lot of horrible things that happened there. I see it as a victory that I escaped rather than a bad thing that I left.

You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

chris525

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

It is totally acceptable in a conversation to let people know that a topic of discussion is off limits. Regardless of if it's someone close to you or just someone you hardly know making small talk, it's totally fine to say something like "I don't like talking about where I'm from" or "I don't like talking about my extended family" and then just change the subject. That will kill any conversation about the subject 99.9% of the time. And the very rare occasion someone pushes further then they are obviously a rude asshole so it would be totally fine to just leave the conversation.


If these types of conversations really trigger you that badly then you need to learn off a couple of phrases that will just kill the conversation immediately and hopefully after a while the anxiety about the possibility of people prying further will lessen. The people close to you will very quickly learn to stop asking these types of questions altogether.

That's a very good answer.

I guess last time it happened I wasn't prepared for it at all. It was not what I was expecting at all and out of the blue. Especially since I haven't seen that person in months and we are near strangers. I didn't expect her to try to analyse my extended family at that time.

I did try to change the subject but she wouldn't. I tried to talk about our kids etc. but she would not let this family thing go.

I'm comfortable talking about my family to someone who might understand; if I feel that they can understand I will open up but this particular person clearly can not take hints.

chris525

Sleepy wrote: »

I don't think so tbh. Any time I've lived abroad I've had loads of questions asked of me about my home country too. It might be more common here and in other historically monocultural countries that have experienced mass emigration than in those born of immigration but it's certainly not a uniquely Irish thing.

No one asking these questions is trying to help you in any way other than showing that they'd understand if you missed home and, assuming they're Irish, will respond positive to a response like "ah, I prefer it here" or "sure isn't
[your partner's name] here and home is where the heart is!" etc.



You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

I find this to be highly dismissive of someone who has experience a tremendous amount of hurt and turmoil in their lives. Not everyone has the privilege of being 'laid back'. I don't think you would feel 'laid back if your parents were constantly screaming at you since the age of 1.

Xterminator

I would suggest being blunt with someone who doesn't take notice of your deflection. If you can do that with a tiny bit of humour it might soften the blow.

like i suggested ealier "sure the guards wouldn't ask me that" is a good way to avoid a personal question. But if they are insistent, then stand your ground. 'Im not comfortable sharing that information', or 'that is a private matter'

It is entirely up to you what information you share.

chris525

Sleepy wrote: »

I don't think so tbh. Any time I've lived abroad I've had loads of questions asked of me about my home country too. It might be more common here and in other historically monocultural countries that have experienced mass emigration than in those born of immigration but it's certainly not a uniquely Irish thing.

No one asking these questions is trying to help you in any way other than showing that they'd understand if you missed home and, assuming they're Irish, will respond positively to a response like "ah, I prefer it here" or "sure isn't [your partner's name] here and home is where the heart is!" etc. and move on with the conversation. If the only thing they know about you is that you're from another country, it's the most natural thing for them to ask you about. Steer the conversation somewhere else. Ask about them. Find out what ye have in common that you can discuss together.





You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

I also want to say that asking about your home country is not the same as asking about your own personal feelings about it.

E.g. asking where good tourist spots are and what the capitol is is completely different that asking why you don't like it there. Personal vs not personal

I'd be delighted if someone asked me something factual.

baby and crumble

Like most people have already said, OP, people don't really care what your response is to these kinds of questions initially. Like someone else who responded, I moved to Dublin 20 years ago and I still get called a culchie, I still get asked would I ever think about moving home, the whole thing. I mean, I'm married and own a house here now, but once people hear an accent, or find out I'm not from here originally they ask about it. It's something easy - usually - to make small talk about.

And likewise nobody knows or expects you to have had trauma in your life to date, so they'll usually base their perception of you on their own lives. They are putting themselves in your shoes and thinking how much they might miss their parents etc if they were to move to a different country. It's literally nothing to do with you. And some people are just dense and won't drop a subject when it's obvious to everyone else that it's super awkward - which sounds like that person you were speaking about and her questions about your family.

As an example, my Mam died 10 years ago, and obviously when I meet new people I get asked about my family, in small talk. I'll usually say where my Dad and brothers are living, and whoever it is will ask what about my Mam. They don't know she's dead and that I still get a bit upset about it, do they? How could they. They're just being curious, which is quite an Irish thing.

Tiddlypeeps

chris525 wrote: »

That's a very good answer.

I guess last time it happened I wasn't prepared for it at all. It was not what I was expecting at all and out of the blue. Especially since I haven't seen that person in months and we are near strangers. I didn't expect her to try to analyse my extended family at that time.

I did try to change the subject but she wouldn't. I tried to talk about our kids etc. but she would not let this family thing go.

I'm comfortable talking about my family to someone who might understand; if I feel that they can understand I will open up but this particular person clearly can not take hints.

If someone is really that rude and socially oblivious and a friendly "I don't want to talk about that" doesn't work and they keep pushing it's totally acceptable to double down and say "I said I don't want to talk about it". Any outside observers will 100% think the person you are talking to is being rude so don't be afraid of being firm. Nobody can force you to discuss something you don't want to discuss.

Stateofyou

You're entitled to feel the way you do! I completely get it, I've been an immigrant myself and I also have close friends who are or who have had that experience which is really eye opening.

No one should be belittling you on this forum, that is completely ridiculous.

I can see how those comments and questions are triggering and frustrating. When you're an immigrant you get these questions all the time and there's then a feeling of not being allowed to just settle in and be treated like everyone else. I've lived in bigger melting pots of cultures and so you don't get the kinds of questions in those places/countries like you do here in Ireland. I remember a work colleague telling me how frustrated she was that she still can't shop at her local supervalu without getting questions from the butcher or checker about being on her holidays and how long is she here for and she's been here 7 years and shops there every. single. week. To say she's over it would be an understatement. Whereas when I lived abroad (in the melting pot place) my accent was never commented on in any deeper way than "I love your accent!" if at all. I wasn't made to feel like I didn't fit in.

I also share your trigger of people asking about family of origin stuff, as does my wife. The story is many people can't even relate and so they have really weird reactions. Throughout our life we've been pitied, snubbed, looked down on like we were the problem, etc. I've learned to give as little detail as possible (look up the grey wall method) and when in Ireland, definitely give a smart/funny/sarcastic reply back. If you can be witty or make them laugh it's dropped. Someone gave some good examples earlier, run with those!

But generally people don't mean to be insensitive (and it's definitely not racist) they just have no experience of it. It makes me think of the time I asked the wife of an old friend seated next to me at an engagement party if they were thinking of having kids (we were talking about mine). She stiffened up and wouldn't look at me for a good while after that. Later I found out they had been trying for years and didn't have success as of yet and it was difficult for them constantly getting pressure and questions over it. It was a real eye opener for me after that point that you just don't ask anyone those kinds of questions. You live and learn and now I don't. People have blind spots so try and forgive them for theirs and do what you can to mind your triggers and mental health and avoid the potholes by going grey.

Stateofyou

Sleepy wrote: »

You're absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill and unless you've been diagnosed as suffering from PTSD you're misusing the word "triggering". You're not alone in that but you should be aware that most Irish people will hear that word, roll their eyes and think "drama queen". We're a relatively laid back people and the idolisation of victim-hood as status so popular amongst some on-line bubbles will not be favourably seen (as you may have gathered from some of the response here).

You're massively over-reacting and, despite what some of the Tumblrinas on-line will tell you, the world isn't going to mould itself to your expectations of it, you're going to have to adapt to it.

That is completely false. You do not need to be diagnosed with PTSD to use or identify with that term. I don't know where you got that idea but it's seriously ridiculous.
I don't think "most Irish people" would roll their eyes and think drama queen, but you are obviously that type. Work on your empathy and maybe don't post in this forum if you're going to be as rude as all that. There are better and more respectful ways to say things.

antix80

chris525 wrote: »

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

Sure, Ireland is a small country, many people don't go too far from home - and those who do come back with their tails between their legs. People still hang around with their old school friends 20 years later and visit their parents several times a week even if they can't stand one of them.

People like talking about family and people they know.. it drives some people mad and many younger Irish people intentionally move away from "home" to get away from this.

That being said, I don't think we can put this all down to a cultural clash. You've removed yourself from your home country for a fresh start and are now annoyed with people who are curious about you. So a lot of it is issues you have, rather than issues other people have with you.

My best advice to you is to (1) accept the question will be asked as long as you're in Ireland, and (2) learn how to answer it in a way that you won't upset yourself.

Let's give it a go.

Do you miss your home country?

No. You lived in the middle of nowhere and felt isolated.
You didn't keep in contact with friends from college because they all moved away.

Do you miss your parents?
No, you were raised by your mother and she had "problems with her nerves", so you didn't have much of a life.

You married a foreigner?
Yes, Ken (not his real name) is a real doll. Men in your country are too cold/short/ugly/ etc so you really landed on your feet.

Or.. just say "it's none of your business." Either way, the issue is yours

meeeeh

Ok I can't believe I'm getting dragged into this but an easy reply is: ah when you have your own family, you are busy with every day life here. You can add that you find weather challenging and that leads to the conversation about weather. To question about marrying a foreigner my reply is that his family and Irish in general are very friendly and welcoming so it doesn't really matter.

Those replays are actually what I genuinely feel but they are also general enough I don't need to explain much more and divulge any personal information.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, I've read some of your previous threads.

Either you have a tendency to completely overthink things or else you have a massive chip on your shoulder.

I'm beginning to think it's the latter.

JustAThought

Irish people asking nosey questions, making conversation and the mildly nosey form of questions the OP has mentioned as ‘triggering’ are part of the standard normal conversations and everywhere way of life here. Maybe if the OP has failed to adapt to this or to find mild and inoffensive ways to bat them away without presenting himself as a victim in every incodental conversation he should consider moving somewhere that might be a better cultural fit for him. London or some busy UK city. Nobody talks to strangers there and you could be lying in the street with a severed head in your handbag and noone would look crooked at you . They might ring the olice lyer but thats another thing. If you cannot loosen up or relax or learn to adapt to Itish culture and behaviours perhaps it is time to find somewhere where you will fit in and most likely where there is a culture of not speaking to strangers or talks incidentally to you. IME of living and working there UK could be just perfect for you.

otherwise rehearse smiling and parrying - there have been some good and normal rebuttal suggestions here.Unless of course you want to go through life with a red victim light flashing above your head and frightening or overwhelming everyone you meet with your miserable background and issues you cannot or refuse to put behind you. Sure everyone hd bad experiences but they dont go around burdening strangers with them or insisting or revealing them in lighthearted situations in chit chat. . sometimes you cannot get over things,and most people have their own troubles and don’t want to know yours when they are just making smalltalk. Diffuse, deflect, joke and make a new start and effort. Don’t be left wallowing in miisery from your past and indulging in the misery you moved to leave behind and want to forget.

why did you move - work, great country apart from the rain, my GF lived here, opportunities
Do you not miss home - sure theres skype and phone - and I have my own family here now those closest to me /I love it here sure arn’t there lots of cows/great rain
What do your parents think - sure theres phone and skype,
etc

keep it light and lovely and work on the future and not the past. Or move.

cannotlogin

It's not racist and I think you are overthinking it.

Just for context. I'm living in Dublin for 10 years and am originally from a part of the country than is no more than a 3 hour car journey. My accent is still very strong so people frequently ask how long am I in Dublin? Do I miss home? Would I like to move home at some stage etc?

It's all just basic chit chat! Harmless, meaningless conversation in an effort to make conversation.

Similar with family questions....do you go down home often? Have you siblings down home? Would you parents l8ke to see you move home?

All just efforts to chat, be sociable, even make friends perhaps?

rainbowtrout

chris525 wrote: »

That's OK but why is where you are from originally so important?

Because the vast majority of people live their entire lives in the country they were born in. Because Ireland has a long history of emigration, and many emigrants never got to come home because they couldn't afford it, e.g. going to Australia in the 1950s etc. Because until the last 20 odd years there wasn't a massive amount of foreigners living in Ireland, and if they were, they were mainly British and you'd get the odd European. So given all of those things it's perfectly natural to ask if you miss home - people are not asking if you got on with your family or not, people are asking if you miss it in more general terms - climate, culture, activities, food, and yes friends and family in a general sense. If you think that's racist you need to start drinking more Ribena.


Honestly wherever you are from, people are just curious about if you miss the basics and assume that there are things about your home country that you might like and therefore miss. Whether that be better weather, a particular type of food you can't get here or family and friends that you don't get to see much.

All of that can be answered with a generic answer of 'I miss the weather, can't get X food here, but I always wanted to come to Ireland, we had good job opportunities here and a good quality of life, I like it so far'. People couldn't actually give a fcuk beyond that. People aren't asking if you hate your family and want to be as far away from them as geographically possible or anything.


Honestly, you're the one being an ass here.

listermint

For full context OP.


If you go on in real life like your going on here. You can expect the pleasantries to end fairly quickly and you'll get exactly what you want zero conversation. People tend to avoid talking to folks that are as contrary as this. There's no fun in it. It's awkward I'd avoid the likes of this in work suffice to say I'd turn around in a corridor and walk the other way.


My advice , learn to read niceness because so far I can see you aren't bothered and everything is centred around yourself.

rainbowtrout

chris525 wrote: »

I find this to be highly dismissive of someone who has experience a tremendous amount of hurt and turmoil in their lives. Not everyone has the privilege of being 'laid back'. I don't think you would feel 'laid back if your parents were constantly screaming at you since the age of 1.

Lots of people grew up in less than ideal homes. It has fcuk all to do with being asked a simple question about emigrating and missing home. When you are asked 'Do you miss your family?' all you have to say is 'To be honest, my family life wasn't too hectic, so we don't really have any contact, it's nice to spend time with my partner's family'. Most people have enough cop on not to go any further than that. What is major drama to you, is just them asking a trivial question, they don't know your background, and don't really care either.

You're not going to get very far in general if you spend all your time going around with a massive chip on your shoulder.

MissShihTzu

OP - Did you ever sort out a new counsellor? I think you should....

My tuppence worth? I am the daughter of immigrants who in turn immigrated here. I get the same questions ALL the time! It's just folk making polite conversation. If the questions get too personal? (And you would know what I mean) - Just shut them down! You are not obliged to answer ANY question you find intrusive.

I'm not too sure what else to tell you. You're an adult and should be able to deal with this. If you cant? Then find someone to help you. Constantly starting threads and ranting on, isn't the answer.

antix80

Op i know it's not the done thing to go through past threads by the op... But, I think you have some disordered thinking which is affecting how you view your interactions with other people. Your upbringing sounds less than ideal, so maybe you are a bit more defensive than usual. And maybe a bit too critical too, which is something you learned from your "unstable" mother.

But your rants are so off-putting and almost offensive. You're basically saying the few years you spent here give you licence to write sweeping generalisations criticising irish people or culture as racist.... Without any irony! Yet, all I see in your op is a woman with her own issues being very critical and dismissive of people trying to show an interest.

Well, why not ask an Irish woman why she hasn't ever moved away and maybe you'll see the other side of the story. Try to empathise instead of criticising. And really.. Maybe irish people just aren't for you. Be the gruff outsider who gives a steely stare and who hates nosey people and doesn't talk about anything other than recipes for meals... There's a market for that too.

Edit, sorry for the long 2nd post, genuinely trying to help

ILoveYourVibes

chris525 wrote: »

This is a bit of a rant but it's something that I'm struggling with.

I moved to Ireland with my Irish husband in 2016. We did not like where we were living before and could not wait to get out of there. We HATED it.

Since I've moved here some people ask me "Do you miss home?".

Here's the problem I have with this:

1. It's kind of racist. Someone who did not grow up in Ireland cannot consider Ireland to be home? Do they view me as just some pitiful foreigner? When will I no longer be asked these questions? 5 years, 10+?
2. It's very personal. You know don't me, anything about me or my history, and my reasons for moving.
3. I moved a long time ago. I'm starting to forget what life was like in the past and I'm glad for that.
4. My house in Ireland that I've been paying for the past 3 years is my home.

Now it's not just the question that is the problem. It's the tone of voice, the obstinacy, and their unwillingness to actually listen to what I have to say.

For example, if they ask me "Do you miss home?" and I say "No, I don't" it doesn't seem to register in their head and they keep prying.

They say things like, "Oh, you married a foreigner". This puzzles me and is deeply personal. Where I'm from marrying someone from the Anglo-sphere is not really a foreigner and also I've only ever dated foreigners. I have never been in a relationship with someone from my own country. I can't help it; I'm just not attracted! Also, where I'm from there is mass immigration so there are a lot of different people living there. Why would they not know that about one of the G8 countries?

They go on further to say things like, "Do you miss your family?". This really puzzles me. I have a husband and 2 kids here in Ireland with me. Are they not my family? I'm assuming they mean my extended relatives. "No, I don't".

"Do your parents come to visit a lot?" Parents plural? My father hasn't come around to see me in over 20 years and my mother is unstable.

What if:

• you're just not a family person
• you just don't like where you are from
• your family of origin is crazy and dysfunctional
• it's just too personal
• etc. etc.

Will they judge you if they knew the truth?

These are things that someone you hardly know should not be prying into. It's nosy and rude.

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

Its not racism its small talk.

They don't actually want to know about your personal life its just about not sitting there in silence.

You don't have to answer or answer honestly. You can say 'that's a little personal'.

Yes they would probably judge you if they knew the truth. Which is why you should really keep it as small talk with people you don't know.

'No parents do not visit so much ..its so far etc'

'No i don't miss home so much. Ireland is home now etc'.

I wouldn't divulge personal info to people you dont know you can trust well yet. I would say you have to keep somethings back.


People are 90% nice. So don't fear them so much. Even if you don't want to open up. Stop imagining enemies.

beauf

chris525 wrote: »

This is a bit of a rant but it's something that I'm struggling with.

....

These are things that someone you hardly know should not be prying into. It's nosy and rude.

Often times I'm not expecting to be asked these questions at all. It's completely random and I'm taken aback by it and not prepared.

I have a really hard time coping with the intrusion.

This is feature of Irish culture and society. We will talk to complete stranger with no inhibitions or formality.
We also have the habit of talking a lot about anything.

People from cultures that are more reserved and don't talk as much, can find this challenging. But the Irish are famous for this.

ILoveYourVibes

beauf wrote: »

This is feature of Irish culture and society. We will talk to complete stranger with no inhibitions or formality.
We also have the habit of talking a lot about anything.

People from cultures that are more reserved and don't talk as much, can find this challenging. But the Irish are famous for this.

Yep.

Just on thing op. It can be confusing for people. While we really do like to talk about topics everything and anything ....we don't give out anything too personal. And when we do its very filtered. You should probably do the same. Its just chatter small talk etc. You are under no obligation to tell people anything. But people will find it weird if you don't chat back. But people actually don't expect you to reveal anything. In fact if you listen closely Irish people talk a lot without revealing anything. Its very telling.

vixdname

OP needs to get over themselves, drop the ever present racism card and stop wanting to be offended.

The way Irish people ask questions may be different from you country of origin, the way society works in Ireland as a whole may be different from your home country, you must understand this and not take the differences as personal intrusions.
I'd be pretty sure if an Irish person went to live in your home country they too may find some differences in how personal interaction work but maybe they wouldnt be so quick to pull the racism card such as your good self.

qwerty13

OP, you've said about people analysing you, or trying to force their help upon you.

They’re not. They are trying to make a friendly effort at engaging. Of course you may get a nosy person who oversteps the mark - who doesn’t. This is not exclusive to you. This is just that some people are inquisitive, or have no decent sense of boundaries.

Your reaction to this appears to go from zero to 100, which is, in my view, a complete overreaction. People aren't out to get you. They don’t really care where you’re from. Or who you are. They’re either making small talk chat about a topic that they feel might engage you - or else they’re genuinely curious. I have friends who aren’t Irish. Should I not be allowed to ask them about differences in their country? I like chatting with my friends re how Christmas is different in their country (big dinner on Xmas eve, presents that night). I just find it interesting.

ETA: Equally, my friends who aren’t Irish have asked me re what the norm is about funerals. Wedding afters. Birthday lunches. Surely it’s all give and take. Diversity in background can be just interesting. Not a source of feeling ‘got at’.

My honest assessment is that you really really need to stop feeling that the world is out to get you. And do something about this being a seeming permanent feature of how you feel

Stateofyou

You keyboard warriors need to get a grip on yourselves. In the TITLE of this issue are the words "having trouble coping." And many of you are quite clearly kicking this poster while they're down. Having trouble coping would include not being able to see things clearly or with as much calm or grace. None of you have walked in their shoes so try some compassion on.
In the past when I've had trouble coping during a difficult time in my life, not seeing clearly is part of the mixed bag. We all need time to process and work through the sh*t that affects us. And it's the same for every damn one of you and you know it. This poster has also had some early childhood trauma and maybe PTSD is a part of that. This online forum has been an outlet, but at least they're posting and not off somewhere having a breakdown alone.

I'm quite sure most of you have suffered with your mental health at some point in your life, and how would you want to be treated and spoken to? It's so easy isn't it, to sit nameless and faceless behind your keyboards and tear someone else down. Some of you need to take a hard look at yourselves. This poster is actually a real person, remember that and act accordingly. FFS.

threetrees

Is it an Irish thing that people refer to the place they grew up in as Home? I know lots of people living in Dublin who go "home" to see their parents. They might be in Dublin 40 years and have a house or home in Dublin but still refer to their childhood town or village as "home". To ask if they miss "home" is just a conversation maker. I'm guilty of it myself with non Dublin Irish people and non Irish people. There's nothing sinister, nosey or racist in it.

lawred2

Racist?

Ffs...

OP, people are trying to be nice. It's conversation making. It's not remotely 'racist' and you can be as personal or impersonal in your response as you like.

I'm from Cork living in Dublin and get asked it quite frequently... 'do you think you'll ever head home?' etc

lawred2

threetrees wrote: »

Is it an Irish thing that people refer to the place they grew up in as Home? I know lots of people living in Dublin who go "home" to see their parents. They might be in Dublin 40 years and have a house or home in Dublin but still refer to their childhood town or village as "home". To ask if they miss "home" is just a conversation maker. I'm guilty of it myself with non Dublin Irish people and non Irish people. There's nothing sinister, nosey or racist in it.

I wouldn't have thought referring to where you come from and probably where your parents still live as 'home' being a 'uniquely' Irish thing!