Does anyone else think this is odd.

LegacyUser

Hey,

I have been dating a girl for a few months and this has happened on a good few occasions. Anytime I stay over at hers mid week , we will walk to work together because our offices are close (it's a long walk) however she often asks if her friend who lives en route can join, I have no problem with this.

They see each other most mornings and our time is limited so I find it fairly odd the rare occasions we walk together she asks if she can join but it's no problem really.

However when we come across the friend, maybe 10 mins into a 50 mins walk they basically just walk ahead and I'm left walking behind , the girl I'm dating seems absolutely oblivious to this and if anything it's her friend that is the only one to try and make an effort to include me in their conversation.

It's through Dublin centre so the pavements don't really work with 3 people walking together so I usually end up just dropping back and leaving them to it.

Does anyone else find this odd? Personally I find it highly disrespectful and would never do this if the roles were reversed to a girl..

Obviously I can and will mention it her but I'm looking at it as a potential warning sign tbh, this doesn't seem socially normal to be so oblivious and disrespectful to someone.

Am I overreacting?

Thanks

Heres Johnny

Hello 11 wrote: »

Hey,

I have been dating a girl for a few months and this has happened on a good few occasions. Anytime I stay over at hers mid week , we will walk to work together because our offices are close (it's a long walk) however she often asks if her friend who lives en route can join, I have no problem with this.

They see each other most mornings and our time is limited so I find it fairly odd the rare occasions we walk together she asks if she can join but it's no problem really.

However when we come across the friend, maybe 10 mins into a 50 mins walk they basically just walk ahead and I'm left walking behind , the girl I'm dating seems absolutely oblivious to this and if anything it's her friend that is the only one to try and make an effort to include me in their conversation.

It's through Dublin centre so the pavements don't really work with 3 people walking together so I usually end up just dropping back and leaving them to it.

Does anyone else find this odd? Personally I find it highly disrespectful and would never do this if the roles were reversed to a girl..

Obviously I can and will mention it her but I'm looking at it as a potential warning sign tbh, this doesn't seem socially normal to be so oblivious and disrespectful to someone.

Am I overreacting?

Thanks

Yeah I think you are. Wouldn't worry about it. I know it's hard to get involved in conversation if they are talking about something you are not interested in. My fiance has friends, mutual friends too, over to the house and I just leave them to it. Likewise we are both members of the same sports club where we met and if we go to watch a match or anything she doesn't really talk to me but with her friends that she didn't go to bed with the night before and wake up beside that morning.

Don't over think these things

punisher5112

Cycle....

Augme

It's a odd situation really. As you said yourself the 3 of you can't walk on the path and hold conversation together so one person is going to be missing out so I can't really see how it would bother me.

The only option you have is to suggest to your gf that on mornings you walk in together you just keep it for the two of you. Explain that you don't see her often so would like that opportunity to send a bit more time together as a couple.

Although, if I was you I would just get the bus in and let them have their walk.

Millionaire only not

<SNIPPED>

Ticking and Bashing

She probably has the morning walk routine with her friend much longer than your relationship so why should she drop it as soon as she starts seeing someone.

Calypso Realm

Hello 11 wrote: »

Hey,
They see each other most mornings and our time is limited so I find it fairly odd the rare occasions we walk together she asks if she can join but it's no problem really.

However when we come across the friend, maybe 10 mins into a 50 mins walk they basically just walk ahead and I'm left walking behind , the girl I'm dating seems absolutely oblivious to this and if anything it's her friend that is the only one to try and make an effort to include me in their conversation.

So she calls for this friend on the other mornings? I would be a bit different (though still not entirely excusable) if she only saw her on these mornings, So essentially you're left to walk for 40 minutes alone with them chatting away in front?

I agree it is a bit off and also a bit rude. I'd feel a bit uncomfortable in this situation as well. Also the friend appears to be the one making some effort to include you while your girlfriend is content to carry on excluding you. Like you say, I wouldn't do this to someone.

You need to speak to her though to gain more perspective.

meeeeh

Ticking and Bashing wrote: »

She probably has the morning walk routine with her friend much longer than your relationship so why should she drop it as soon as she starts seeing someone.

This. At this stage there is a higher chance the friend will be in her life in 2 years time and you won't (as with any relationship in early stages). She can hardly say to her friend XY is staying with me tonight so please stay away tomorrow morning. It might be annoying that you are left walking behind but at the same time if someone I was dating short time started telling me I shouldn't do things with my friends I always did, I'd be very careful. So if you intend to approach the subject make sure it doesn't come accross as controlling.

That being said if her behaviour to you is very ignorant when the friend is around it might be a sign she is not very invested in the relationship.

Calypso Realm

Ticking and Bashing wrote: »

She probably has the morning walk routine with her friend much longer than your relationship so why should she drop it as soon as she starts seeing someone.

Nobody is asking her to disrupt her routine but on the one occasion there's a third party, she could at least take some steps to include them and not ignore them completely!

joeguevara

Are all other parts of the relationship going well apart from this issue? For instance do you ever meet up for drinks with her friends or do ye only spend time alone. If not then you are probably overthinking it.

Also do they speed up to walk ahead or do you slow down?

She may feel you aren't interested in what they are talking about. It is now a catch 22 situation as you feel excluded and she may feel that you don't interact and drop back.

But more than likely this is probably the only time that they interact in a non work environment and she doesn't want to be the type who drifts from her friend because she has a boyfriend.

You have stayed the night with her so you don't have to walk with her the next day.

Don't drop back and contribute to the conversation without feeling the need to be included. Or else, make your own way in.

Rub a Dub

Get the bus and leave them to their morning routine. She's making it obvious that your presence is not required on these walks.

Bigdig69

Hello 11 wrote: »

Hey,

I have been dating a girl for a few months and this has happened on a good few occasions. Anytime I stay over at hers mid week , we will walk to work together because our offices are close (it's a long walk) however she often asks if her friend who lives en route can join, I have no problem with this.

They see each other most mornings and our time is limited so I find it fairly odd the rare occasions we walk together she asks if she can join but it's no problem really.

However when we come across the friend, maybe 10 mins into a 50 mins walk they basically just walk ahead and I'm left walking behind , the girl I'm dating seems absolutely oblivious to this and if anything it's her friend that is the only one to try and make an effort to include me in their conversation.

It's through Dublin centre so the pavements don't really work with 3 people walking together so I usually end up just dropping back and leaving them to it.

Does anyone else find this odd? Personally I find it highly disrespectful and would never do this if the roles were reversed to a girl..

Obviously I can and will mention it her but I'm looking at it as a potential warning sign tbh, this doesn't seem socially normal to be so oblivious and disrespectful to someone.

Am I overreacting?

Thanks

Clearly you do have a problem with this. I don't know about your situation, but I would ask the girlfriend if she is ok with you heading off on your own. Then leave for work 3 minutes before her.

LegacyUser

It might just be as simple as she is just making the effort to ensure her friend doesn't end up feeling like a third wheel. There are going to be times when you're going to be have to be willing to play a supportive back up role.

And if you do bring it up, I'd advise doing so in the form of a compliment to tell her it's nice that she makes the effort to include her friend the way she does, and to leave it at that, no discussion required. If you act as though you have a problem with it she might be hurt, or worse case scenario she might perceive you as being overly clingy or overly possessive, which could be a red flag for her.

I do see where you're coming from just in case this seems to be almost attacking you, but I'm just trying to offer an alternative take. It's far too easy to over analyse things like this, and although I don't know the full story, I feel that's what you may be doing here.

ldeayton

I wouldn’t bring it up. As others have said just make your own way into work on the bus. But at the same time keep an eye on her behaviour, the fact she’s not making an effort to include you is odd and I wouldn’t do this to my girlfriend. Do trust your senses on this matter.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

millionaireonlynot, I'm going to refer you to the recent mod warning given you already, as it's perfectly clear: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058035647&page=3#

Don't engage in this kind of posting again please.

LegacyUser

Ticking and Bashing wrote: »

She probably has the morning walk routine with her friend much longer than your relationship so why should she drop it as soon as she starts seeing someone.

Just to give this a bit more colour, she walks with the friend maybe 3 days a week out of 5 so they don't do it every day - I have walked in with her about 3 times in 3 months and this has happened every single time.

If it was me in the situation with her I would say to my friend here we walk every day together I rarely walk in with him do you mind if I don't walk with you today. I would think that's the logical response.

Maybe I'm reading too much but the way it's panned out every time with me basically being ignored and no effort to include me in the convo by her has made me feel like it's an absolute lack of respect towards me tbh.

Im a bit surprised at all the responses here , I have asked 2 friends their thoughts and both of them had the same opinion as me but no one else on here seems to.

I think if the roles were reversed and it was a girl writing this the answers would be very different but maybe I'm wrong.

redfox123

Bigdig69 wrote: »

Clearly you do have a problem with this. I don't know about your situation, but I would ask the girlfriend if she is ok with you heading off on your own. Then leave for work 3 minutes before her.

This is the best suggestion. Don’t dictate what she does but change it to suit yourself because to be honest it would really annoy me someone leaving me to walk behind them constantly. It’s very awkward and uncomfortable. So it’s up to you to make a way in that feels comfortable for you. And if she asks why just say oh I felt like I was intruding a little on your walks in and want to leave yous to your chats.

punisher5112

Buy a good headphones set, Spotify and walk on.
Cycle would be much quicker then walking as I mentioned.

Leave the chats to home and texting etc....

I wouldn't be reading into it the way you are and I doubt she knows you're upset or bothered.

You'll be on in a few months saying, was I mad??? It's so much better now... ;-)

LegacyUser

I'm surprised at the responses as well. I don't think it's a very respectful thing either. Until you mentioned that there are mornings when you walk to work together, I thought she might be trying to hide the fact that you're a couple. If it was me, I'd talk to her about it and see how she reacts. I believe you should get to the bottom of this and not just brush it off.

ILoveYourVibes

She doesn't want to walk to work with you? Is what you are saying. She keeps trying to leave you behind.

But she doesn't say this. Like she could say ..can i walk alone to work etc?

That is the situation?

She doesn't want to walk to work with you. Is what i am getting.

It would be pretty obvious her friend knows you are a couple.

Hello 11

Hello 11 wrote: »

Im a bit surprised at all the responses here , I have asked 2 friends their thoughts and both of them had the same opinion as me but no one else on here seems to.

I think if the roles were reversed and it was a girl writing this the answers would be very different but maybe I'm wrong.

Yep. You forgot to switch the genders in your opening post and say that your boyfriend and his friend were talking about the football while you were left behind for 40 minutes.

Instead of being told that their routine is more important and they'll probably know each other for longer, you'd be told to break up with such a disrespectful boyfriend.


I cannot imagine doing this to someone. I was always conscious with my ex that if this sort of thing happened, I gravitated back to her instead of leaving her alone.

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

Yep. You forgot to switch the genders in your opening post and say that your boyfriend and his friend were talking about the football while you were left behind for 40 minutes.

No I think i would think he wasnt my boyfriend and it was just casual.

I mean if i liked him i wouldn't be too happy about it . But i would get he actually DIDNT want me to walk with him to work. I would re evaluate what the relationship really was.

osarusan

Say to her that you'll go on ahead as she obviously enjoys the chat with her friend and that's fine, so you just want to leave the two of them alone for it.

A bit strange that she hasn't noticed that you're a bit of a spare wheel. It's like going out for a drink together, then inviting a friend and ignoring you completely and chatting to the friend all night.

santana75

I wouldnt dismiss this as nothing Op. It bothers you and thats enough reason to give it some due respect. Honestly its a bit of a red flag, It shows a lack of awareness on her part and also a lack of thoughtfulness towards you. I mean if the roles where reversed would you do the same if it was you walking to work with this girl and you were meeting one of your mates? Would you be conscious of her and not allow her to be isolated from the conversation? Some people are so self involved that they literally do not consider or notice whats going on with anybody else. Its like the people who park their car on the pavement completely blocking the way so that a person pushing a child in a pram has to move out on to the busy road to get by. Some people are just not tuned in at all and dont think about anybody else. Im not saying to break up with her over it, just keep an eye on the overall way she acts towards others.

meeeeh

Hello 11 wrote: »

I think if the roles were reversed and it was a girl writing this the answers would be very different but maybe I'm wrong.

I would not think any different if roles are reversed. It's not a battle between sexes, it's not some perceived stereotypes of what men or women are like that you are trying to navigate, it's a relationship you are hoping to have. Disrespect is most overused expression to describe what people really feel and fear - that their partner doesn't really care enough about them.

Either she feels less strong about you than you do about her or it's just a routine she has and is not prepared to change when new partner comes along. A relationship with friends has to be maintained too. Only you and her will know what it is

LegacyUser

Hello 11 wrote: »

Im a bit surprised at all the responses here , I have asked 2 friends their thoughts and both of them had the same opinion as me but no one else on here seems to.

They are your friends, they're far more likely to give you a supportive response which is to be expected from friends. Objective people on the internet who don't know you or your partner are far more likely to give you an objective response.

Bummer1234

One of the mornings when your walking to work with your g/f and her friend,why don’t you say go right/left down a ally way and head that way to work or even into a shop to get a paper, see how long it might take for her to text you or even them to wait for you if your in the shop. If they go on ahead then she may apologies to you without you having to say anything....just an idea

LegacyUser

About 15 years ago I worked with an older woman (60s at the time). She came in from lunch having seen a couple walking down the street, the man a few paces ahead of the girl.

There was a few girls in their early 20s working there. She said to us, if your boyfriend walks ahead of you and not beside you then don't bother with him, stop in a shop doorway, turn around and walk the other direction.

Always stuck in my mind. I remember being on a 2nd or 3rd date with a Lad and he strode ahead and I wish I had just turned and walked.

Its completely rude what she is doing, but I don't know if its intentional . it's similar to groups of 3 on holidays or at school or work, one always gets excluded, more often unintentionally. It could be something that her pal has said like "you'd better not ditch me now you have a fellah" and she is trying to maintain the status quo.

I agree if the gender was reversed folks would be piling on to say he is an arse and ditch him OP.

You have a couple of options. Say or do something or nothing. Go with what works best for you, I would recommend communicating directly rather than being passive aggressive

-do or say nothing and continue to get irritated
-do as a pp suggested and stop on the way to get a coffee, nip to a shop, take a phone call etc and see is it noticed
-say nothing about the situation but just change up the routine so that you don't walk in together, just say you need to leave earlier to go to the gym or grab breakfast etc.
-say to her that you have noticed this happening and just ask why or is it something she notices and have a conversation about it
-say it to her and say that you notice this happening and and chat about it and say that you don't want her to feel she has to change her routine with her pal but you don't enjoy the dynamic and you will head earlier and go to the gym in the morning

BrenMar

Your girlfriend simply has no manners, OP.

LegacyUser

Lost of interesting responses and quite different points of view.

I suppose maybe I was just brought up differently to her and alot of others commenting. I think if someone is a guest in your house and you walk to work with them the next day (we have no choice, we live in office blocks beside each other ) it's the height of bad manners to invite your friend and then just walk ahead and ignore them.

If my family saw me do that to anyone who was a friend male or female they wouldn't be impressed with me to say the least.

Maybe she doesn't realise how rude it is but if so the lack of awareness is very odd.

PARlance

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yep. You forgot to switch the genders in your opening post and say that your boyfriend and his friend were talking about the football while you were left behind for 40 minutes.

If one of my friends asked me to walk with him to work to have the chats about football, I would be telling him to go get himself checked out (and change my route just in case).

I don't think this is a case where you can easily swap the genders. I would actively avoid having a 50 minute chat with my friends, 3 times a week, on the way to work. But maybe I'm just not a morning person.

She asked him if he was ok with the friend joining. He said he was. He says he hasn't a problem, but he clearly has. If he's mad for the chats then he should stop giving mixed messages.

Whenever my wife invites a friend over, I will say a few niceties and then happily retreat to obliviousness. If we were out and there was a match on, she would invite a friend, not to be rude, but to give me space to watch it in peace.

OPs gf might be rude but she also might be of the opinion that some (most, from my experience) guys are happy to zone out/have their own space/do something else, in such circumstances.

meeeeh

Hello 11 wrote: »

Lost of interesting responses and quite different points of view.

I suppose maybe I was just brought up differently to her and alot of others commenting. I think if someone is a guest in your house and you walk to work with them the next day (we have no choice, we live in office blocks beside each other ) it's the height of bad manners to invite your friend and then just walk ahead and ignore them.

If my family saw me do that to anyone who was a friend male or female they wouldn't be impressed with me to say the least.

Maybe she doesn't realise how rude it is but if so the lack of awareness is very odd.

You didn't get the response you wanted to get from some of us so you decided that our opinion must be wrong because we were brought up wrong.

LegacyUser

meeeeh wrote: »

You didn't get the response you wanted to get from some of us so you decided that our opinion must be wrong because we were brought up wrong.

I never expected any particular response hence me asking the question.

I never said anyone was brought up " wrong" , I said differently. With a different set of manners and what's acceptable and what's not.

blarb

I see 3 options OP. I wouldn't be playing a game figuring out how long it takes her to notice you fall behind/go a different way or whatever. I think being upfront is better.

I'd say the best options, depending on what you actually want to happen here, are:
1) If you would now prefer the friend not to come at all, explain that you like the time with her, and the nights that you stay could it be just the two of you
2) If you would just prefer be included in the conversation, then explain that to her. That you don't mind the friend coming along but you actually feel like a bit of a spare wheel so far.
3) If you're not that bothered about walking in together, just start leaving earlier, telling her I'll give her the time with her friend, and grab yourself a coffee or newspaper or something along the way.

I do agree that it's quite rude (regardless of gender!) and I'd just note it and pay attention to how she is in other situations with you. Or is it just in this particular situation that she's quite unaware of how she's acting/affecting you. But either way, if this is the only thing bothering you so far, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt but either say something (as in the points above) or change up your routine.

LegacyUser

I actually just ended it there after considering over the weekend.

This was not the only example of this sort of behaviour but it was the main driver. I think our values and manners just didn't match.

Thanks to all that posted.

woodchuck

Mod note:

OP as your issues has reached a conclusion, I'll close this thread now.