Parent cut ties with me but still thinks they can see my children

Sunrise_Sunset

One of my parents cut ties with me about a year ago. Basically disowned me and said I was their child by name only. During that time my parent also had a huge row with my sibling and they haven't spoken in months either.
Then I get a call from them asking me why I won't let my kids see them. I hung up. I then received a text calling me all kinds of names. 2 days before Christmas, FFS, thanks for that.
I really don't know what to do here. I ignore this person cos I feel they are just spoiling for an argument (I'm dealing with a complete narcissist), and I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. However, how on earth do they think it's possible to disown me, and tell me I'm not their child anymore, but then think they can still see my kids?! We are a package deal. After the things this parent said me, extremely hurtful, mostly just to get a reaction (which I didn't give them, and which I'd say really riled them up even more), they still think they can see my children. Am I wrong in not allowing this?

zapper55

The only thing you are wrong about is assuming they'll listen to logic. Id block their number and also on social media. I'm.sorry you are going through this.

Sunrise_Sunset

zapper55 wrote: »

The only thing you are wrong about is assuming they'll listen to logic. Id block their number and also on social media. I'm.sorry you are going through this.

Thank you. I feel like I have been dealing with it as best as I can. Ignoring is the best response to a narcissist. But this has really gotten to me, 2 days before Christmas.
Their number is blocked already. They called me from another number, which is why I answered. Then afterwards I received notifications of text messages from the blocked number. I can only see the first few words of the text, if I want to read the rest I can unblock the number. But the first few words of the text was more than enough to get the jist.

Away With The Fairies

Kids are easily influenced, they're easy targets who will believe anything. Make no mistake, your parent just wants to turn your kids against you.

Purple Mountain

Ignore and don't waste another thought.
Your kids, your rules.

Xterminator

Hi Op

You are best placed to decide what is the best for your children. But there is a danger you could be acting from emotion here, by denying your children the relationship with their grandparent(s), as a bargaining chip.

Have a good calm think about it.

Is the relationship between your parents and the children beneficial or toxic? if its beneficial then you should facilitate seeing your children within reason. For the good of the children.

Motdyeah

From growing up with a narcissistic mother your best thing is to just cut ties altogether. There is absolutely no talking to them.

A few things that stood out to me were with mine was:
She found faults with everything I did. E.G got my first job and she told me I’d be fired after a week as they won’t put up with me, you will be back home.

Failed to turn up for my college graduation, said she wasn’t interested, I have other stuff to attend to that day.

Any conversation with my life she turned into an argument and found faults. E.G I’m from Galway and got a good job in Dublin. Her response was why couldn’t you get a job in Galway, probably word got around that your a horrible **** and now have to move to Dublin, you won’t last long their.

She didn’t respect personal boundaries. When I moved out of home she kept calling to my apartment unannounced, when I wouldn’t answer the door she started beeping the horn outside and then knocking on the door until the neighbors left her in. I ended up having to park my car away from the complex so she wouldn’t see it.

Yep best bet is to cut ties with people that are narcissists. Best decision I ever made, anything about your life they find fault with it yet to turn into an argument. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and cut ties

Sunrise_Sunset

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

You are best placed to decide what is the best for your children. But there is a danger you could be acting from emotion here, by denying your children the relationship with their grandparent(s), as a bargaining chip.

Have a good calm think about it.

Is the relationship between your parents and the children beneficial or toxic? if its beneficial then you should facilitate seeing your children within reason. For the good of the children.

I don't really see how it's a beneficial relationship. He hadn't asked in the past year to see them. But now that he is feeling lonely, and is no longer speaking to my sibling, I feel he is clutching at straws, and focusing on this now. I guess he is realising it's going to be a lonely Christmas. I am on good terms with my other parent, who still sees my children, and my parents are still married, so it's quite awkward. My children don't ask about their grandparent. When they used to see him, he'd just sit there reading the newspaper and barely interact with them anyway.

Sunrise_Sunset

Motdyeah wrote: »

From growing up with a narcissistic mother your best thing is to just cut ties altogether. There is absolutely no talking to them.

A few things that stood out to me were with mine was:
She found faults with everything I did. E.G got my first job and she told me I’d be fired after a week as they won’t put up with me, you will be back home.

Failed to turn up for my college graduation, said she wasn’t interested.

Any conversation with my life she turned into an argument and found faults. E.G I’m from Galway and got a good job in Dublin. Her response was why couldn’t you get a job in Galway, probably word got around that your a horrible **** and now have to move to Dublin, you won’t last long their.

She didn’t respect personal boundaries. When I moved out of home she kept calling to my apartment unannounced, when I wouldn’t answer the door she started beeping the horn outside and then knocking on the door until the neighbors left her in. I ended up having to park my car away from the complex so she wouldn’t see it.

Yep best bet is to cut ties with people that are narcissists. Best decision I ever made, anything about your life they find fault with it yet to turn into an argument. I couldn’t deal with it anymore and cut ties

Sorry you had to deal with that. Did you cut ties after that?
I feel there is absolutely no reasoning with him. There never has been. My only regret is not cutting ties with him before he cut ties with me, and why I let him away with his behaviour for so many years.

Motdyeah

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Sorry you had to deal with that. Did you cut ties after that?
I feel there is absolutely no reasoning with him. There never has been. My only regret is not cutting ties with him before he cut ties with me, and why I let him away with his behaviour for so many years.

Yep I did, all she cared about was herself and how a situation benefits her, narcissists are in a world of their own and only look at how situations benefit them, they don’t give a monkeys about anyone else.

I guess your narcissist parent is only looking at how the situation benefits them and not your personal feelings which is typical of that personality.

weetiepie

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I don't really see how it's a beneficial relationship. He hadn't asked in the past year to see them. But now that he is feeling lonely, and is no longer speaking to my sibling, I feel he is clutching at straws, and focusing on this now. I guess he is realising it's going to be a lonely Christmas. I am on good terms with my other parent, who still sees my children, and my parents are still married, so it's quite awkward. My children don't ask about their grandparent. When they used to see him, he'd just sit there reading the newspaper and barely interact with them anyway.

Completely agree with you. Your children will not benefit from a relationship with their grandparent. They have disrespected you and shown nothing but utter contempt for you, your children do not need a person like this in their lives.

Stateofyou

Sorry to hear that is happening to you. I'm impressed that you hung up on entertaining that any further, well done. As others have said no good can come from your children being influenced or exposed to people who behave like that. Your children need you to protect them from such harm which I'm sure you would do unquestioningly if it were anyone but their grandparent. We always hesitate when it's family though don't we, and some go through harmful situations for years, ruining lives and more than one generation. Good on you for making sure it stops with you. Yes you and your kids (and your partner if you have one) are a package deal and abusive family are in the wrong, not you. Take care and hope you have a peaceful Christmas this year.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

Sorry to hear that is happening to you. I'm impressed that you hung up on entertaining that any further, well done. As others have said no good can come from your children being influenced or exposed to people who behave like that. Your children need you to protect them from such harm which I'm sure you would do unquestioningly if it were anyone but their grandparent. We always hesitate when it's family though don't we, and some go through harmful situations for years, ruining lives and more than one generation. Good on you for making sure it stops with you. Yes you and your kids (and your partner if you have one) are a package deal and abusive family are in the wrong, not you. Take care and hope you have a peaceful Christmas this year.

I would love nothing more than to give him my tuppence worth and let him know what kind of a person he is and how his words and behaviour have affected me, but it would be completely fruitless. I won't engage in an argument with him. I won't engage with him at all anymore. I'd say it kills him, he's absolutely spoiling for a fight. His sense of entitlement is astounding. He thinks he can say the most emotionally abusive things to me and disown me, and then marvel at the fact that I don't allow my children to visit him.

Padre_Pio

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I would love nothing more than to give him my tuppence worth and let him know what kind of a person he is and how his words and behaviour have affected me, but it would be completely fruitless. I won't engage in an argument with him. I won't engage with him at all anymore. I'd say it kills him, he's absolutely spoiling for a fight. His sense of entitlement is astounding. He thinks he can say the most emotionally abusive things to me and disown me, and then marvel at the fact that I don't allow my children to visit him.

Don't bother yourself with them.
Be open to reconciliation, but on your terms. If youre happy living your life without their comments and intrusion then be happy.

Happy Christmas to you and your children.

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I would love nothing more than to give him my tuppence worth and let him know what kind of a person he is and how his words and behaviour have affected me, but it would be completely fruitless. I won't engage in an argument with him. I won't engage with him at all anymore. I'd say it kills him, he's absolutely spoiling for a fight. His sense of entitlement is astounding. He thinks he can say the most emotionally abusive things to me and disown me, and then marvel at the fact that I don't allow my children to visit him.

Ah yeah, the only thing better than not giving someone a reaction they're spoiling for is living in peace yourself. The absolute nerve of him and his entitlement attitude, I hear ya. Be great if those of us with arsehole parents would ever just sort themselves out so everyone could win, sad when that's not the case.

qwerty13

I wouldn’t think he gives 2 hoots about seeing your children - it’s just another stick to beat you with. And one perfectly timed to maximise the guilt that he is trying to make you feel.

Don’t get sucked into his dramas, and don’t fall for his faux concern about seeing your kids. You’re doing absolutely the right thing with no contact.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

I wouldn’t think he gives 2 hoots about seeing your children - it’s just another stick to beat you with. And one perfectly timed to maximise the guilt that he is trying to make you feel.

Don’t get sucked into his dramas, and don’t fall for his faux concern about seeing your kids. You’re doing absolutely the right thing with no contact.

You could be spot on there.

qwerty13

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

You could be spot on there.

Harsh personal experience would say that I am likely to be right, unfortunately.

Just on the text notifications - check your phone settings to make sure youve blocked them properly. I don’t get any notifications from people I’ve blocked - no text message previews. It makes your life easier not to even know that they tried to contact you.

PS: it’s actually quite a brilliant plan on the part of your parent - as in it is almost guaranteed to put you right back where they want you: reacting to them (not ignoring them), feeling guilty (for the sake of your kids) and doubting yourself (undermining your hard work on going no contact). Of COURSE they are wrong in all of this - I mean the nastiness of trying to get to you via your kids is pretty astounding - that is, unless you are familiar with this kind of person, which I am.

Stay strong OP, and if you can stay no contact, life just becomes so much easier

Could well be an attempt to get in your kids' good books and win them over, turn them against you. I'd be wary of anyone, family included, who would step all over you like that but want to be pals with your kids.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

Harsh personal experience would say that I am likely to be right, unfortunately.

Just on the text notifications - check your phone settings to make sure youve blocked them properly. I don’t get any notifications from people I’ve blocked - no text message previews. It makes your life easier not to even know that they tried to contact you.

Thanks! I just checked an the settings were that I received notifications for all interceptions. I didn't realise this. I just changed to never receiving a notification for an interception. I think if I still went into blocked messages I'd see them there though.

qwerty13

If you get an iPhone, it doesn’t store blocked messages - so you’ll literally never know of any of the guilt trip / emotionally abusive messages they send. With the added bonus that you then won’t be tempted to react / engage, and that will drive them mad!

Sunrise_Sunset

Today I'm worrying that he may try to get visitation with my kids. Is this possible?

I read this on Citizens information;
Grandparents also have certain rights in relation to their grandchild. Where grandparents are having difficulty in maintaining contact with their grandchild, they can apply for access to the child through the District Court. Access can also be applied for if a child is in the care of the HSE.

And also this;
The Constitution of Ireland does not recognise any rights of grandparents or other members of a child's extended family. ... In simple terms this means that a grandparent must first get permission from the Court before they can bring their application for access.

You could just calmly tell him that he's not welcome due to his behavior..

Call me Al

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Thanks! I just checked an the settings were that I received notifications for all interceptions. I didn't realise this. I just changed to never receiving a notification for an interception. I think if I still went into blocked messages I'd see them there though.

If you do end up in court defending your decision to not allow him access to your children you may need to have records of abusive messages he's sent you and the time scale this has been going on for.
So I wouldn't be too quick at deleting the evidence that he himself has given to you.

tara73

Deleted User wrote: »

You could just calmly tell him that he's not welcome due to his behavior..

this logic doesn't help with real narcissists like this one. They turn everything against you, making you (the OP) the bad person.

OP, you are doing the right thing, cut all contact and try to avoid reading any stuff send from them. There's no basic ground possible with narcissicts like this, speaking from experience.

Stateofyou

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Today I'm worrying that he may try to get visitation with my kids. Is this possible?

I read this on Citizens information;
Grandparents also have certain rights in relation to their grandchild. Where grandparents are having difficulty in maintaining contact with their grandchild, they can apply for access to the child through the District Court. Access can also be applied for if a child is in the care of the HSE.

And also this;
The Constitution of Ireland does not recognise any rights of grandparents or other members of a child's extended family. ... In simple terms this means that a grandparent must first get permission from the Court before they can bring their application for access.

I could be wrong and you should speak to free legal aid to put your mind at ease, but I believe that avenue is only there for extreme circumstances. Such as their child is dead and access by other means hasn't been facilitated. Or they saw their grandchildren regularly but the parents relationship broke down (their child is prob the father) and now access is rare if ever. Or grandchild is in care. or parent is still a minor themselves - and even if granted I think it's 2-3 times a year and could just be telephone or letters... nothing like shared parenting or anything like that. Based on an article I read years ago. I also remember reading a case of grandparents trying and failing to get access to a grandchild who's own child didn't want them involved (for good reasons), and it wasn't allowed. The judge will take into account your wishes and whether it's necessary to have contact (in your case it isn't. they have parents) I don't believe you have anything to worry about.

qwerty13

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Today I'm worrying that he may try to get visitation with my kids. Is this possible?

I read this on Citizens information;
Grandparents also have certain rights in relation to their grandchild. Where grandparents are having difficulty in maintaining contact with their grandchild, they can apply for access to the child through the District Court. Access can also be applied for if a child is in the care of the HSE.

And also this;
The Constitution of Ireland does not recognise any rights of grandparents or other members of a child's extended family. ... In simple terms this means that a grandparent must first get permission from the Court before they can bring their application for access.

Can’t see it tbh. That would involve effort on their part. And fundamentally, they don’t care enough about you or your kids to make that effort.

What I can see happening is that they will be super nice to your sibling that they fell out with, and manipulate your sibling into guilting you re your kids. Trying to get your sibling or other parent to ‘work on you’. This is what you have to watch out for, in my opinion. Or being told that the narcissistic parent is sick, and that you’re making them stressed / ill. All just part of a game on their part to drag you back into line. Its a nasty business, and one I have experience of. Never forget that normal rules of decent behaviour do not apply.

Sunrise_Sunset

Stateofyou wrote: »

I could be wrong and you should speak to free legal aid to put your mind at ease, but I believe that avenue is only there for extreme circumstances. Such as their child is dead and access by other means hasn't been facilitated. Or they saw their grandchildren regularly but the parents relationship broke down (their child is prob the father) and now access is rare if ever. Or grandchild is in care. or parent is still a minor themselves - and even if granted I think it's 2-3 times a year and could just be telephone or letters... nothing like shared parenting or anything like that. Based on an article I read years ago. I also remember reading a case of grandparents trying and failing to get access to a grandchild who's own child didn't want them involved (for good reasons), and it wasn't allowed. The judge will take into account your wishes and whether it's necessary to have contact (in your case it isn't. they have parents) I don't believe you have anything to worry about.

Thank you for that. It definitely put my mind at ease a bit. I just woke up in a panic about that this morning. I might actually enquire with a free legal aid, thank you for the tip.

Sunrise_Sunset

qwerty13 wrote: »

Can’t see it tbh. That would involve effort on their part. And fundamentally, they don’t care enough about you or your kids to make that effort.

What I can see happening is that they will be super nice to your sibling that they fell out with, and manipulate your sibling into guilting you re your kids. Trying to get your sibling or other parent to ‘work on you’. This is what you have to watch out for, in my opinion. Or being told that the narcissistic parent is sick, and that you’re making them stressed / ill. All just part of a game on their part to drag you back into line. Its a nasty business, and one I have experience of. Never forget that normal rules of decent behaviour do not apply.

Oh yes, I've already had that guilt trip over a year ago before he cut ties. "I'm a sick old man" and "why are you doing this to me?" and he made it clear I was cut off from any inheritance too, I believe this was another ploy to try to rope me back in, that I would get whipped into line cos I'd want the money. He's such a horrible person and he has gotten worse with old age.

qwerty13

My god. Textbook, isn’t it. Sounds like you’re well on your way in recognising his behaviour a mile off, and not falling for it. Good for you.

In my opinion, he knows that he can’t really get to you, so he’s gone for your weak spot - your kids. As in you want the best for them, and he’s trying to make it appear as though he cares about seeing them / could be a good grandfather to them. Of course it is all lies.

HildaOgdenx

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Thank you for that. It definitely put my mind at ease a bit. I just woke up in a panic about that this morning. I might actually enquire with a free legal aid, thank you for the tip.

I'm not an expert but, yes, as pp said, it would only be in defined circumstances that a grandparent would be deemed to have rights, to the best of my knowledge. It would also cost him money, as he would have to go the legal route, to find this out.

I am sorry that you are going through this. What a horrible situation. Absolutely prepare yourself, read up on 'flying monkeys' and the likes.

My opinion is that he wants do this purely as a way to gain control, with probably no real interest in the children.

Take care.