A little help please

LegacyUser

I’m with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We’re very much in love but sometimes my insecurities play up and it causes us trouble. My boyfriend says he loves me and I’m the only person he’s actually being “in” love with.
The issue at hand is this. An ex, which has been his childhood friend since childhood. They got together romantically around 18 and have been on and off for 22 years. They broke up 3 years ago for good this time he said. Now the past year or so they’ve started to re kindle their friendship slowly. He says he’d like to become good friends and even said he’d like to go for coffee with her. It worries me That they’ll drift back together again. I’ve explained this bothers and upsets me and I feel it’s almost disrespectful to be bringing her back into his life again. I have no problem with them sharing the odd text but anything past that I’m not comfortable. He reacts saying I don’t trust him. Do I have a point or am I over reacting?

leggo

You’ve told him you’re not comfortable, he’s disregarding that and pushing back on behalf of an ex who he didn’t have any kind of relationship with at the start of your relationship. I wouldn’t be okay with it tbh, it’s bordering on emotional cheating. And if you find yourself having to almost beg your partner to be more liked/respected, you’re fighting a losing battle.

For reference: I’ve friendships with exes or people I’ve had things with in the past. They’ve also been there for me through bad times and I’ve loyalty to them, so I won’t totally drop them just because someone asked. But, if I’m in a relationship with someone, that has to be my priority and I need to have fair boundaries that respect my partner and allow them to feel secure in the relationship. So whether that’s minimising certain other friendships to “You can text me if someone is dying but we can’t go out for pints” or “I’d like you to meet my partner so they see there’s nothing to worry about” (depending on what’s appropriate), the priority has to be the partner and their comfort level because I’ve committed to them in the hope of building a life down the line and that’s just how it is. If I wouldn’t do that for someone, I don’t care about them or the relationship that much.

ILoveYourVibes

Unsure123456765434 wrote: »

Do I have a point or am I over reacting?

Go with your gut.

Honestly though if my gut was telling me this ex even had a chance ..i would walk ...because he is crazy to be thinking about her when he would have me and i don't waste myself on crazy.

Do it classy though ...don't let on he won't get it.

I wouldn't beg him to not be friends with her. She can move full time into his head if he so wants. I just don't want to be in that same space.

Go with your gut though.

zapper55

On and off for 22 years years, he wants to become good friends with her again and he is questioning your insecurity?!

It'd be so different if they were already good friends, if they made a clean break years ago and it wasnt a tumultus relationship. But they arent, it wasnt and it was.

And those craic about never being in love before you is a crock of crap. Why be with someone as long aa he was with her if he wasnt in love? And no.amount of great sex would explain it.

I think he's made his choice, he just doesnt realise it yet.

Purple Mountain

zapper55 wrote: »

On and off for 22 years years, he wants to become good friends with her again and he is questioning your insecurity?!

It'd be so different if they were already good friends, if they made a clean break years ago and it wasnt a tumultus relationship. But they arent, it wasnt and it was.

And those craic about never being in love before you is a crock of crap. Why be with someone as long aa he was with her if he wasnt in love? And no.amount of great sex would explain it.

I think he's made his choice, he just doesnt realise it yet.

I wouldn't agree with that.
It's easy to fall into a casual friends with benefits situation and just hook up every so often. The years can just blend into each other.

LegacyUser

Op here. Sorry, I have no idea how to go back to reply.
A little clarity would help I guess. My boyfriend is very loyal and trustworthy and gets very upset if this is put into question. I do believe he’d never cheat or stray. That’s not my problem. My problem is that he wants her back in his life. I say this is weird and disrespectful to me. He says it’s controlling of me and I should trust him. I asked why and his response was that they’ve been friends forever and their friendship needed time to heal after the romantic breakup. They’ve been on and off but he’s had other girlfriends in between. I don’t feel I’m controlling him. I’ve no problem with the odd “dog died etc” texts or stopping to say hello on the path etc but anything else like one day hoping to go for coffee is wrong In my opinion.

Porklife

I would straight up ask him why on earth he stayed with her for 22 years if he wasn't in love with her. I bet he says something like he thought he was in love at the time but realises now he wasn't - Bull****.

This doesn't look good OP and the fact he's trivialising your perfectly reasonable insecurity is very telling too.

LegacyUser

Being in an on/off relationship for 22 years completely overrules the childhood friend thing.
The label is ex, and being an on/off ex suggests that they use the 'friendship' as a way to get closer together and start things up again when they really shouldn't, being on/off for so long suggests a lot of drama or pain, what if's, always thinking they will end up together and all that stuff, so I don't see why anyone would be happy with that.

Really he wants to be friends with his ex of 22 years, not stay friends with a childhood friend.

I had quite an intense on/off thing with a male friend, I ended the 'friendship' for various reasons, with one being that I didn't think it would be fair on our future partners, because I personally wouldn't like a partner of mine to be friends with someone who they have so much history with and a history of coming back together.

osarusan

There's nothing unusual about feeling uneasy when a partner wants to remain friends/revive a friendship with an ex, particularly when they have such a long history.

Some people might not have an issue with it, but plenty will, so no, it's not an overreaction at all.

cannotlogin

Realistically, if they couldn't make a go of it as a couple during 22 years chances are they know it won't work.

One of my best friends now, is someone that was a friends with benefits over the years, when neither of us had anything else going on. There would be zero chance of either of us being together. The friendship is great but don't work as a couple, too alike and attraction isn't there. We are both genuinely happy for each other when we are with someone.

I think this is a non issue. Sex and love are very different things.

ILoveYourVibes

It strikes me as odd not being able to let go of an ex when you meet a new partner.

Its saying you don't see the future partner as becoming part of your family.

This whole ..my friends are as important as my relationships etc is childish.

Your relationship with your partner should be your closest relationship.

Your partner should be your best friend.

He says he’d like to become good friends and even said he’d like to go for coffee with her.

I wouldn't think this person is mature enough for a relationship. He lacks perception.

He will be one of those people to just have relationships and not marry.

I mean he is 40 and not married....but was in and out of a relationship for 22 yrs with this person. What does that tell you?

He wasted a lot of his own time. He just seems like someone who hasn't grown up or changed or learned.

Blaizes

It’s really not fair on you and very inconsiderate of him. if he does arrange to meet her give him an ultimatum and stand firm on it..If he meets her you’re gone.

If they are really over and he is with you then there is no need for a meet up with this woman.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, op here again. Thank you all so much for the replies. I’ll welcome any help or criticism towards me as I want this solved.
The latest update, he said he was toying with the idea of asking her for coffee soon. I said jokingly “ok I’ll come along” and his reply was simply “no”. I can come for the second meeting. He wants to clear the air this first meet. It broke my heart. We had a rational talk and came to all the same conclusions again. He feels me voicing my concerns and insecurities is cornering and controlling him and it shows a lack of trust, and therefore lack of respect for him. He feels I should trust him enough to let him go see her. I feel worried as to why he needs her in his life again and ask “is your life lacking so much that you need her to be a part of it”. It’s very back and forth. Again for the record, he is extremely trustworthy and prides himself on that. I just don’t see why he wants her back. It’s been years since they were proper friends. All I can see now is a trend of them growing closer. First texting, then more, then coffee, then pints, then I don’t know. It’s so confusing. I feel terrible broaching it all with him but the real hurt comes from having to, in the first place. If anyone else could share an opinion I’d really appreciate it.

Blaizes

It sounds like he’s going with or without your blessing op. Concentrate on yourself now he will go either way,how it will pan out no one here knows. Otherwise you could kick him to the curb now but then you won’t ever know if it’s her or you he wants or maybe he doesn’t even know himself.I am sorry I can’t offer better advice maybe someone else can, It’s certainly not a nice situation for you to be in though.

Gerianam

Dear OP,
It appears to me that he has committment issues. Your relationship is getting to a stage where he needs to commit and he wheels this lady out again.
Protect yourself and protect your heart. There is a reason why he remains unhitched in his forties. Make sure that he does not waste your precious time.
I really hope it works out for you. Hugs X

Idle Passerby

I agree with above. If he was serious about your relationship he wouldn't be jeopardising it by going back to a tumultuous, complicated romantically ambiguous friendship. On and off for 22 years since they were teens - that's a bad habit he has no intention of breaking.

Your original posts states that in "the past year or so they’ve [your boyfriend and ex] started to re kindle their friendship slowly" - this would be during the *entire time* that you and he have been together. I'm sorry to say this but it's looking like this is another episode of their on/off relationship. Your boyfriend is aged forty, but I'm guessing you're quite a bit younger? Or, if not younger, you seem to have little experience of relationships. If your partner loves you, he will not deliberately do something that he knows will hurt you. Your feelings of hurt are valid, no matter what anyone else might think you 'should' feel. To me, it's your partner who sounds controlling, and I would be concerned that your situation could become even more difficult, if you carry on this relationship. I hope that you have some friends or relatives in your life that you can confide in. You deserve so much better than this man can offer you. More hugs xx

zoobizoo

Ego?
Badge of Honour?
Not being able to deal with someone not in their lives?

Some people pride themselves on being able to be friends with an ex: "I'm so mature, I'm good friends with my ex"

Laurali

He should be able to understand your feelings, especially as he has had girlfriends inbetween hooking up with his ex. Why wouldnt you feel like you are just a gf inbetween another hookup or on/off season.

BattleCorp

Your boyfriend isn't being very considerate towards your feelings.

You have stated your concerns and he is ignoring them and going ahead with something that makes you very uneasy.

Not very good boyfriend behaviour.

The signs aren't very good for your relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's the way I see it.

id be a strong advocate for being able to be platonic friends with a member of the opposite sex, and in certain circumstances even with an ex, but this absolutely stinks tbh

Sounds like this is another episode in the on again off again saga. You've been together a year. He's been kindling this again for a year. Someone suggested it is getting to commitment time and now he's running away to her again - sounds about right to me. And then trying to flip it around on you. State of him

seenitall

bluewolf wrote: »

Sounds like this is another episode in the on again off again saga. You've been together a year. He's been kindling this again for a year. Someone suggested it is getting to commitment time and now he's running away to her again - sounds about right to me. And then trying to flip it around on you. State of him

Yes, I would agree there. It seems to be a pattern of on-again, off-again and girlfriends in between. Why? He is probably a Commitmentphobe with a capital C. This way, he gets to have a quasi friend/life partner, someone who he has a firm basis with, who knows him inside out and is always there in the backround/foreground, all the while with the intermissions and the freedom to explore other women, other relationship dynamics, other scents on other pillows.

That doesn't look to be an acceptable situation to me. It reminds me of a guy I was seeing last year, where he said he wanted a relationship, but in reality the poor guy couldn't stand building an intimacy, if we had two weekends together in a row he would try and get as much distance the next few weeks without arousing suspicion in me, as possible. It was kinda funny because I figured out his issue right away, so that was the end of the (very short) story. That was an extreme case of commitment-phobia, though. The OP's guy is not as extreme. But it is the same song, played in a different arrangement.

What raised the red flags about my guy was the fact that at 50 something years old, he only had one long termer under his belt, and that - yes, you guessed it - on-again, off-again. Classic. If I had been amenable, I have no doubt we would now be in such an arrangement. Or, if that long term gf in his past, hadn't had enough of it at some point, he would still be "with" her.

It's all very sad, I feel for these guys, and the women who choose to get embroiled with them. I think on some level they crave the kind of commitment that only a deep intimacy with a partner can bring, but have some inbuilt subconscious terror of it, that ultimately overrides all their good intentions. At least it was like that with my one. He was still trying to get my attention long after I'd lost interest. You end up feeling sorry for them.

All this to say, heed the warnings on this thread, OP, I'd be very careful of your man. Do I need to tell you, you deserve better?

ElizaBennett

I'm wondering would it be a good idea to show him this thread? Maybe others can give their opinion? Just to show him what the majority feeling on this is.. ie not acceptable boyfriend behaviour and very unfair to OP

Anon op 12344321242

Anon op 12344321242 wrote: »

Again for the record, he is extremely trustworthy and prides himself on that.

Is he always talking about how faithful he would never cheat? If so, MASSIVE RED FLAG. People who are faithful just are, they don't need to tell the world. Think about it - do you go round saying how you would never cheat? Or steal? Or kill someone?

He is planning something.

wiggle16

An ex is an ex for a reason.

His answers seem disingenuous. This isn't a childhood friend. This isn't someone he went out with for a few years in his 20s and has stayed friendly with ever since. This is someone he spent most of his adult life breaking up with, getting back together with, breaking up, getting back together.

Normally I would give the benefit of the doubt and I wouldn't be an absolutist about it either - people can remain on good terms with an ex without it affecting either of their romantic lives. But that's not a one size fits all rule. He wants to clear the air with her... I mean, after 22 years of an on and off relationship with this girl, what is left to talk about?

If this was a friend he went out with in his 20s and you had a problem with him meeting her for a catch up, that wouldn't be reasonable. This is very different, and he's not stupid. He should have more respect for your feelings and intelligence rather than telling you you're being controlling.

LegacyUser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Is he always talking about how faithful he would never cheat? If so, MASSIVE RED FLAG. People who are faithful just are, they don't need to tell the world. Think about it - do you go round saying how you would never cheat? Or steal? Or kill someone?

He is planning something.

OP here again. Apologies for the constant name changes. I haven’t mastered this anonymous posting yet.

No, he dosent go on about how faithful he would be and is. I can see it in his nature to be open, honest, trustworthy and appropriate( although I don’t find this very appropriate). He does insist that I trust him on this issue and finds it very disrespectful that I don’t trust him on this.
He says the last time they got back together was a total mistake and he learned from that that it was definitely the last time.

detoxkid

I think you made an excellent suggestion to him when you told him you would meet her with him. If he genuinely thought there was no chance they would get back together and if he was genuinely invested in the longevity of your relationship he would have at least considered that😀. I don't think he's being completely honest with you and maybe himself

sadie1502

Why does he want to be friends with her? . Why does he feel the need to meet for coffee. I dont get it. Unless feelings are still there perhaps. I dunno could all be very innocent. He hasn't given you a reason to doubt him. Has he?

LegacyUser

sadie1502 wrote: »

Why does he want to be friends with her? . Why does he feel the need to meet for coffee. I dont get it. Unless feelings are still there perhaps. I dunno could all be very innocent. He hasn't given you a reason to doubt him. Has he?

Apart from a few white lies over the the year no, he has given me no resson. He reassures me quite often too.
I’ve no idea why, or maybe I just don’t get it, why he needs to meet up and have a closer relationship with her. It’s not as if they aren’t on talking terms as it is. I don’t see the need for more. He’s not the type of person to go plotting an affair or whatever. Her really feels he wants to make things right with her. All at the expense of my feelings it seems

tara73

Original poster 7483974333445 wrote: »

Apart from a few white lies over the the year no, he has given me no resson. He reassures me quite often too.

big red flags here. apart from a few white lies..what kind of white lies would that be I ask myself.

he's trying to manipulate you big time. he's twisting the facts, making you feel bad for the valid reason you feel uncomfortable he's meeting this ex which he rekindles with for the last 22 years. He's one of this guys trying to twist things with words and making a partner feel bad to do what he wants to do.

Is this what you want in a relationship? Ask him if he would be happy you rekindle with an ex boyfriend. And don't let him be evasive, get a definite answer, let him know you are serious about this.

I don't know, I get the feeling you should end this but if you have the nerves to continue with this BS, tell him you want to get to know 'his friend' and join when they meet next time as somebody else suggested already. She's just a good friend now according to him so you would like to get to know his friends, what speaks against it? If he refuses ask him for the reasons why not. Bring his 'you don't trust me' back home to him, that he's the one giving the reasons to mistrust him, you are not the 'crazy one' here, it's him.

LegacyUser

@tara73

Yes if the roles were reversed I'm sure he'd have no problem. That's me being honest. He'd bring it all back to trust and that he trusts me.
As for meeting her, I did suggest it jokingly but to be honest I just don't want to. I have no problem with her, have said hello to her many a time in passing etc. I don't see why my partner can't just keep it to pleasantrys also.

Idle Passerby

Original poster 178384864458 wrote: »

I have no problem with her, have said hello to her many a time in passing etc. I don't see why my partner can't just keep it to pleasantrys also.

Because he sees the other woman as the major relationship in his life. You are just someone passing through whereas she will always be in his life. I wouldn't stick around to be second-best if I were you.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for all the replies. The issue at hand hasn’t been mentioned the last few days. I pretty much left it at “ ok you go see your ex and I won’t give you hassle “, but said with hope that it won’t happen. A part of me wishes I didn’t say that because I feel I’ll start to live with the anxiety that he’ll come back home some day saying he was out with her.
Anyway, I’d like the mods to leave this open. I’ll keep an eye on all replies and I promise I’ll update when further information comes. Thanks x