And then there were 6...

Ursus Horribilis

You wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what's happening. You're going through a tough time yourself and you'd think that your family would be there to help you. But they aren't and instead, you're looking at the very different treatment your sister is receiving. Who wouldn't be pissed off about that?

wiggle16

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what's happening. You're going through a tough time yourself and you'd think that your family would be there to help you. But they aren't and instead, you're looking at the very different treatment your sister is receiving. Who wouldn't be pissed off about that?

When you put it like that, it becomes a little easier to understand.

OP, your family look at you and they see someone who, in spite of having a [visual?] impairment, is independent and well able to look after themselves - independent enough to live abroad and everything. They know they don't need to worry about you in the long run.

On the other end of the spectrum they look at your sister, who couldn't hack a week of living away from home and doesn't know how to run a house or look after herself, let alone anyone else.

So when one of you needs a helping hand, who are they going to cast the safety net for? The damsel in distress, of course.
I know that doesn't make it fair, and really they're not doing her any favours coddling her. It sounds like you're a victim of your own success, in a sense.

You should not feel awful or bad for thinking like that or feeling resentment. As Ursus says you wouldn't be human otherwise. But you do need to get a handle on those feelings and set them aside, because they're not productive. Even if she does learn to stand on her own two feet, your sister's relationship with your parents will probably always be like this - and that's too long a time for you to be carrying those feelings around with you whenever you interact with them.

I know I'm making it sound very simple, but you need to take a breath and say "They've been too kind with her, and she's been too easy on herself, and that's just how things have ended up the way they are". Dwelling on it is a waste of your time. Look after yourself and let your parents worry about your sister.

wiggle16

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I've seen versions of this come up here from time to time. Families where one or more of the kids are wrapped in cotton wool and mollycoddled for some unknown reason. A sibling who becomes the "golden child" and can do no wrong. Families don't always make sense and no matter how you try to get your head around what's going on, you never will.

The chick that screeches the most is usually the fattest one leaving the nest.

afterglow

wiggle16 wrote: »

When you put it like that, it becomes a little easier to understand.

OP, your family look at you and they see someone who, in spite of having a [visual?] impairment, is independent and well able to look after themselves - independent enough to live abroad and everything. They know they don't need to worry about you in the long run.

On the other end of the spectrum they look at your sister, who couldn't hack a week of living away from home and doesn't know how to run a house or look after herself, let alone anyone else.

So when one of you needs a helping hand, who are they going to cast the safety net for? The damsel in distress, of course.
I know that doesn't make it fair, and really they're not doing her any favours coddling her. It sounds like you're a victim of your own success, in a sense.

You should not feel awful or bad for thinking like that or feeling resentment. As Ursus says you wouldn't be human otherwise. But you do need to get a handle on those feelings and set them aside, because they're not productive. Even if she does learn to stand on her own two feet, your sister's relationship with your parents will probably always be like this - and that's too long a time for you to be carrying those feelings around with you whenever you interact with them.

I know I'm making it sound very simple, but you need to take a breath and say "They've been too kind with her, and she's been too easy on herself, and that's just how things have ended up the way they are". Dwelling on it is a waste of your time. Look after yourself and let your parents worry about your sister.

ha I know what you mean, that's funny... A victim of my own success, wouldn't have been a term I'd have used....
I'm going to take your advice. mind my own beeswax and just focus on my own situation.
I thank you all for responses so far

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

When you put it like that, it becomes a little easier to understand.

OP, your family look at you and they see someone who, in spite of having a [visual?] impairment, is independent and well able to look after themselves - independent enough to live abroad and everything. They know they don't need to worry about you in the long run.

On the other end of the spectrum they look at your sister, who couldn't hack a week of living away from home and doesn't know how to run a house or look after herself, let alone anyone else.

So when one of you needs a helping hand, who are they going to cast the safety net for? The damsel in distress, of course.
I know that doesn't make it fair, and really they're not doing her any favours coddling her. It sounds like you're a victim of your own success, in a sense.

You should not feel awful or bad for thinking like that or feeling resentment. As Ursus says you wouldn't be human otherwise. But you do need to get a handle on those feelings and set them aside, because they're not productive. Even if she does learn to stand on her own two feet, your sister's relationship with your parents will probably always be like this - and that's too long a time for you to be carrying those feelings around with you whenever you interact with them.

I know I'm making it sound very simple, but you need to take a breath and say "They've been too kind with her, and she's been too easy on herself, and that's just how things have ended up the way they are". Dwelling on it is a waste of your time. Look after yourself and let your parents worry about your sister.

This is exactly it, IMO. I've been in a very similar situation and it's almost impossible not to feel bitter and resentful.

I also overcame mental and physical health problems to live abroad and be independent while my sibling was coddled. The rare time I asked for help, I got 'tough love' and either it was outright refused or given begrudgingly.

It's really galling when the very odd time you need a safety net, it's not there, and all the while you see a sibling making poor decisions, being ungrateful and squandering money/resources, and still your parents insist on pandering to them. It absolutely comes from the parents knowing that the independent child will be OK and that the other one is incapable of functioning on their own but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment. It feels like they are showing that they don't care or love you, and it is pretty awful behaviour all around.

I feel like people have been pretty hard on the OP here. It's hard to imagine how this all feels when it hasn't happened to you.

lainey_d_123

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what's happening. You're going through a tough time yourself and you'd think that your family would be there to help you. But they aren't and instead, you're looking at the very different treatment your sister is receiving. Who wouldn't be pissed off about that?

Very true. And the sister's situation is 100% self inflicted as well. The OP has done really well managing with a disability and being independent while the sister thinks it's OK to have a child she can't support with someone she barely knows, and now it's the OP who is cast aside while the sister gets all the help. It's so sad that so many parents do this and it's a horrible realisation when you cop on to how things are.

I'd be distancing myself from the lot of them, personally.

afterglow

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Very true. And the sister's situation is 100% self inflicted as well. The OP has done really well managing with a disability and being independent while the sister thinks it's OK to have a child she can't support with someone she barely knows, and now it's the OP who is cast aside while the sister gets all the help. It's so sad that so many parents do this and it's a horrible realisation when you cop on to how things are.

I'd be distancing myself from the lot of them, personally.

Hi
Thank you very much for your response
I don't blame some people not understanding, like you so rightly said, its not happening to them.
The way you explained it, her getting all the help, while I'm just expected to do everything myself, help not given, its all true.
I will do my best to have my own place asap. I fought for my independence, she is just choosing to have what independence suits her, job, car, etc, but have a baby and live at home, now there's a fabulous idea.... my sister was once allowed to buy too horses, I even think my family contributed to them.
I could say I was going to high tea with the queen and hrh prince charles, and it would still just be ' yeah, fine, whatever ' if sister done the same, I trust it would be all smiles and bunnies
Its nice to know I'm not on my own, but I'm really sorry you've been through something similar

lainey_d_123

afterglow wrote: »

Hi
Thank you very much for your response
I don't blame some people not understanding, like you so rightly said, its not happening to them.
The way you explained it, her getting all the help, while I'm just expected to do everything myself, help not given, its all true.
I will do my best to have my own place asap. I fought for my independence, she is just choosing to have what independence suits her, job, car, etc, but have a baby and live at home, now there's a fabulous idea.... my sister was once allowed to buy too horses, I even think my family contributed to them.
I could say I was going to high tea with the queen and hrh prince charles, and it would still just be ' yeah, fine, whatever ' if sister done the same, I trust it would be all smiles and bunnies
Its nice to know I'm not on my own, but I'm really sorry you've been through something similar

Some families unfortunately have this dynamic. The 'golden child' who can do no wrong and the other(s) who are cast aside. The golden child is usually chosen in early childhood and in the parents' minds, that's it. It doesn't matter what happens after that or what you do or don't do, it's set in their mind. No doubt that if you were the one to get pregnant, they'd tell you to sort it out yourself and that you should have been more careful.

I 100% identify with what you said about going to tea with the Queen. My parents have little to no interest in my life unless it's something they can criticise or give out about. If it's something good, they don't want to know. They never ask me anything about my job (had a major career change a year ago), never ask me anything about my life. Anything nice I'm doing, they imply I don't deserve it. I'm going away for a weekend next week as a little treat, just one night away with a friend, and when I mentioned it, I got 'oh Lainey! You should be saving money, not going on fancy trips'. Meanwhile my sister is in Australia for a whole month and that's absolutely fine because she 'works hard and deserves it' (never mind that I often work 60 hour weeks myself).

There's no point in fighting it. They won't change. It's not fair and will never be fair, but that's the way it is. All you can do is try to live the life you want. In a weird way you are the one who is better off. You're independent, you have life skills, you have options. Your sister is depending on the goodwill of your parents for everything. She probably couldn't leave if she wanted to. Focus on building the life you want to have and it will feel so satisfying when you get there!

strandroad

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

There's no point in fighting it. They won't change. It's not fair and will never be fair, but that's the way it is. All you can do is try to live the life you want. In a weird way you are the one who is better off. You're independent, you have life skills, you have options. Your sister is depending on the goodwill of your parents for everything. She probably couldn't leave if she wanted to. Focus on building the life you want to have and it will feel so satisfying when you get there!

This is wise advice OP. And to add to it, you do have people in your life who are of real support and help to you: your grandparents, your therapist. Perhaps, if the starts align you could have a guide dog as well. Please focus on building your relationships with people who care about you and are happy that you're returning and will be closer to them now. Your parents are your sister are locked into their circle but you don't need to be a part of it, you have other things to do and hopefully supports to pursue them.

HildaOgdenx

strandroad wrote: »

This is wise advice OP. And to add to it, you do have people in your life who are of real support and help to you: your grandparents, your therapist. Perhaps, if the starts align you could have a guide dog as well. Please focus on building your relationships with people who care about you and are happy that you're returning and will be closer to them now. Your parents are your sister are locked into their circle but you don't need to be a part of it, you have other things to do and hopefully supports to pursue them.

+1.

A lot of families have that dynamic, IMO. Maybe not always as obvious, as in your own situation, OP, but definitely there. I think the coddled one/ golden child also becomes very clever (manipulative) at maintaining that position, as they get older also.
Coddling someone doesn't necessarily do them any good, in the long run.

For what it's worth, you seem to be a very strong person. You wouldn't be human if you weren't a bit cheesed off. I fully agree with previous posters, build on good relationships, and keep a safe distance from others.

If your grandparents are happy to have you to stay, and it sounds like they are, then go for it. Take a slight step back, in your head, from your mother's opinion, on the matter. Is she saying that it's not fair, out of concern for, you, them, what the neighbours / other relatives might say...?
That's not something you can control, or should even worry about.

All the best.