And then there were 6...

afterglow

Hi all

Looking for tips/advice here really, because i really can't get my head around this whole situation, hoping some of you lovely people, wiser than me, will have many shiny pearls of wisdom :cool:
So background first
My sister, 3 years my junior, went to the Dominican republic, with my brother, roughly 2 years ago now, for a holiday, because his gf broke up with him, and all were very worried about him.
It was while on holiday that my sister met her current bf, he worked at the hotel they were staying at, as part of the entertainment team
They obviously hit it off, and a relationship developed
My sister has been over and back to see him, he's never come to Ireland to see her, presumably as money is tight.
She visited a few months ago, exact time escapes me, and about a month ago, announced to my mum first, then me, via phone-call, as i'm in the uk currently, that she's pregnant
I have no problem with her being pregnant, a new edition to the family and all that, lovely
My reservations are the following
1. Sis has never lived on her own, like ever. She did move out once, stayed out for a week, then fell out with the person she moved in with, then promptly, moved back home again
2. Probably could go under number 1, but she doesn't really know how to run a house, pay bills, budget etc, and she's not planning to move out of the family home at all, even though she's got a well paid job, drives etc
3. There's no concrete sign of bf moving to Ireland, and even if he does, he's got another child, and because i can't say this IRL, i'll say it here, i think it's massively unfair, if indeed he does move to be with my sis, because it will have a massive psychological effect on the other child. I know it would be good for my sister to have him around though, obviously
I am moving back home very soon, for my mental health mostly.
I can, thankfully stay with my grandparents at first, which is great, because life there will be peace and quiet and just grand.
I'll have to go to my mum's eventually though, because she thinks, it's not fair to my grandparents for me to stay with them
And to a point, i see where she's coming from, but when i go to my family home, i won't have a room of my own, and this, though it maybe shouldn't, bothers me a little
I have a sensory disability also, so finding jobs sometimes proves tough, but i definitely plan to find something to do in the day, and i'm planning to get some help with orientation around my area, and the city centre where i live so i can go out. I'm visually impaired, and did have a guide dog until june of this year, but sadly, he has retired now, and a new dog, certainly will not be an option with 5 adults and a new born baby, in a 3 bedroom house
More than anything, i just wanted to get this out, and maybe, ask, if anyone has any advice on how to stay sane when i do have to go back to the family home
I am very grateful to have Ireland to come back to, and i love my family, but i've lived on my own for 4 years, and i know i'm going to find it tough
I'm also worried that my mum will have to do a lot for baby, support is fine, but i'm worried it will be more than that, and if it was me, i know i wouldn't want to live with my parents with a new baby, i just don't really think it's fair, on them, and i just think it's going to be a huge strain, on everyone
I'm also really worried, because i'm not sure how secure the relationship between sis and bf is, and for all intents and purposes it appears, to some extent at least, this was planned, which i don't understand, why would you plan to get pregnant while still living at home? :eek:
Thanks for reading, and i do not in any way want this taken the wrong way, new baby is lovely, i just feel it might have been better if she'd had a little more life experience first

hawley

First of all, I hope that you are okay, especially if you're going through mental health difficulties whilst living abroad. That must have been so hard on you. If you get on with your grandparents, there's nothing to stop you staying there full time. You don't have to obey your mom on that. Presumably you'll have to give them something to cover the bills, fifty euro a week should be enough for them.

Your sister comes across as being very selfish. Her relationship with her "boyfriend" is flimsy at best, he hasn't shown any commitment to her. The fact that she wants to live with her child in your parents house is very unfair on your family. If she wasn't in a position to take responsibility for the child herself, she should have had an abortion. Somebody should have laid it out for her, her behaviour is completely unacceptable. I don't think you should go back into that house, because having a baby around will place a massive strain on everybody there and could be detrimental to your mental health.

Foweva Awone

The obvious solution would be for you to get your own place to live rather than moving back in with your parents. Would you qualify for HAP?

afterglow

Foweva Awone wrote: »

The obvious solution would be for you to get your own place to live rather than moving back in with your parents. Would you qualify for HAP?

hi
Thank you for your reply
Yes, almost certainly
I will of course, be looking into it. Thank you very much for replying, its appreciated

afterglow

hawley wrote: »

First of all, I hope that you are okay, especially if you're going through mental health difficulties whilst living abroad. That must have been so hard on you. If you get on with your grandparents, there's nothing to stop you staying there full time. You don't have to obey your mom on that. Presumably you'll have to give them something to cover the bills, fifty euro a week should be enough for them.

Your sister comes across as being very selfish. Her relationship with her "boyfriend" is flimsy at best, he hasn't shown any commitment to her. The fact that she wants to live with her child in your parents house is very unfair on your family. If she wasn't in a position to take responsibility for the child herself, she should have had an abortion. Somebody should have laid it out for her, her behaviour is completely unacceptable. I don't think you should go back into that house, because having a baby around will place a massive strain on everybody there and could be detrimental to your mental health.

Hi Hawley
thank you for posting
I was so scared after posting, because I thought most people would think I was being a cow on purpose, maybe that's still to come, who knows.... tbh, this is what I feel, and I can't believe everyone's tip-toeing around it, to me, its the swarm of bees in the room, but everyone just acts like its fine. Of course, its not this precious, inocent little baby's fault, and it should be looked after, cared for, as best as possible, but I agree with you 100 percent, about the relationship, living in my parents, its just a mess!
Re my depression, it was, still is, tough. when I was in hospital, rather than support, I was met with hostility, which was very difficult indeed
I appreciate your reply so much, thank you

eviltwin

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Hawley
thank you for posting
I was so scared after posting, because I thought most people would think I was being a cow on purpose, maybe that's still to come, who knows.... tbh, this is what I feel, and I can't believe everyone's tip-toeing around it, to me, its the swarm of bees in the room, but everyone just acts like its fine. Of course, its not this precious, inocent little baby's fault, and it should be looked after, cared for, as best as possible, but I agree with you 100 percent, about the relationship, living in my parents, its just a mess!
Re my depression, it was, still is, tough. when I was in hospital, rather than support, I was met with hostility, which was very difficult indeed
I appreciate your reply so much, thank you

You don't come across as a cow but you do read as being a bit preoccupied with your sisters situation. I'm unclear if this thread is about you or her ytbh. It's not an ideal situation but it's not your house so not your call. She has as much right to your parents support as you.

What exactly is it you want to happen? You mentioned you are visually impaired. That may qualify you for social welfare and housing support. There may be support for education and training. There is an organisation called Employability which helps people with additional needs find work. Might be worth contacting them too.

afterglow

eviltwin wrote: »

You don't come across as a cow but you do read as being a bit preoccupied with your sisters situation. I'm unclear if this thread is about you or her ytbh. It's not an ideal situation but it's not your house so not your call. She has as much right to your parents support as you.

What exactly is it you want to happen? You mentioned you are visually impaired. That may qualify you for social welfare and housing support. There may be support for education and training. There is an organisation called Employability which helps people with additional needs find work. Might be worth contacting them too.

I would just like her now, that this is definitely happening, to show a little maturity
As already mentioned, she doesn't live by herself, and I really do think, bringing a new born baby into a home, that isn't your own, just speaks to how little self awareness there is.
I would just like her to do what's right, and fair, and not put strain on everyone, and find out what in the name of cornish fudge is happening with this bf. They should be living together, if the relationship is as strong as we are led to believe, I am preoccupied maybe a little, because I just can't believe it if I'm honest.
I will look into everything you have suggested, and just because I'm worried that it could be miss conceived that I'm concerned about myself here, even if, when, I have my own place, i would still think it unfair, that my almost 30-year-old sister, lives at home, with a new born baby. In particular, I just feel its not fair on my parents, they've raised 3 of us, and being grandparents, as in, babysitting the odd time, etc, would be fine. This, is not what that is going to be

eviltwin

afterglow wrote: »

I would just like her now, that this is definitely happening, to show a little maturity
As already mentioned, she doesn't live by herself, and I really do think, bringing a new born baby into a home, that isn't your own, just speaks to how little self awareness there is.
I would just like her to do what's right, and fair, and not put strain on everyone, and find out what in the name of cornish fudge is happening with this bf. They should be living together, if the relationship is as strong as we are led to believe, I am preoccupied maybe a little, because I just can't believe it if I'm honest.
I will look into everything you have suggested, and just because I'm worried that it could be miss conceived that I'm concerned about myself here, even if, when, I have my own place, i would still think it unfair, that my almost 30-year-old sister, lives at home, with a new born baby. In particular, I just feel its not fair on my parents, they've raised 3 of us, and being grandparents, as in, babysitting the odd time, etc, would be fine. This, is not what that is going to be

Your parents have opened their home to her and the baby and that's their choice. It really has nothing to do with you. You don't know the details of the relationship between her and the dad, maybe she has good reasons for her to come back.

You're moving back home yourself and yet you begrudge your sister the same support. You do come across as being jealous rather than concerned.

Look if I was you I'd stay well out of it and focus on the things you can control like improving your own situation

afterglow

eviltwin wrote: »

Your parents have opened their home to her and the baby and that's their choice. It really has nothing to do with you. You don't know the details of the relationship between her and the dad, maybe she has good reasons for her to come back.

You're moving back home yourself and yet you begrudge your sister the same support. You do come across as being jealous rather than concerned.

Look if I was you I'd stay well out of it and focus on the things you can control like improving your own situation

jealous, definitely not
as for her ' coming back ' she's never been away, as mentioned, she's not lived on her own, or with bf, ever! and as already mentioned also, no concrete sign of him coming to Ireland, he's already a father also.

eviltwin

afterglow wrote: »

jealous, definitely not
as for her ' coming back ' she's never been away, as mentioned, she's not lived on her own, or with bf, ever! and as already mentioned also, no concrete sign of him coming to Ireland, he's already a father also.

But again, what do you want to happen? She's pregnant and your parents have chosen to support her, nothing you can do about that. Even if she stays at home for the next 20 years it's their business. I wouldn't overthink it, who knows how things are going to pan out once the baby arrives but it's none of your business. All you can do is focus on your own journey and work towards that.

hawley

afterglow wrote: »

Hi Hawley
thank you for posting
I was so scared after posting, because I thought most people would think I was being a cow on purpose, maybe that's still to come, who knows.... tbh, this is what I feel, and I can't believe everyone's tip-toeing around it, to me, its the swarm of bees in the room, but everyone just acts like its fine. Of course, its not this precious, inocent little baby's fault, and it should be looked after, cared for, as best as possible, but I agree with you 100 percent, about the relationship, living in my parents, its just a mess!
Re my depression, it was, still is, tough. when I was in hospital, rather than support, I was met with hostility, which was very difficult indeed
I appreciate your reply so much, thank you

It's awful that you met with that when you went looking for help. It makes me angry to think that someone would treat a person in such a vulnerable position so badly. Now you are coming back to another nasty situation with your family. Your sister is being very irresponsible and demanding of your mom. I agree with the other posters, you need to take control of your own life. I don't think that you should get too involved with what is happening with your sister. Try to ensconce yourself at your grandparents house. Be helpful and don't get in their way. You might end up living there full time if you're smart about it. There's a new programme on TV and most older people love living with young adults on it. Set them up on Facebook and Twitter, take them out for a night. Try to get them having as much fun as possible.

afterglow

hawley wrote: »

It's awful that you met with that when you went looking for help. It makes me angry to think that someone would treat a person in such a vulnerable position so badly. Now you are coming back to another nasty situation with your family. Your sister is being very irresponsible and demanding of your mom. I agree with the other posters, you need to take control of your own life. I don't think that you should get too involved with what is happening with your sister. Try to ensconce yourself at your grandparents house. Be helpful and don't get in their way. You might end up living there full time if you're smart about it. There's a new programme on TV and most older people love living with young adults on it. Set them up on Facebook and Twitter, take them out for a night. Try to get them having as much fun as possible.

I love them both so much, they are amazing people, they were my safe place growing up, because home wasn't always the best.
I will do my best not to be in their way, and treat them to little bits when I can etc.
I never addressed termination, which you mentioned before.
honestly, in the current situation, meaning, no stability re relationship, still living at home, if I was her, very early on, I think, for all the reasons above, I would have terminated the pregnancy myself. But I'd be shot if I said that now, so of course, I won't. As has been pointed out above, not my bees not my wex! I just think, my sister, should have had her hive in order, before she started having little bees, of her own. But sure there we are
Thank you again for replying

Xterminator

Hi

i get the sense you mean well. This is not mean to be a criticism of you.

Its not for you to determine what relationship this man should have with his child. You dont know how he gets on with the mother now, what role he plays etc. nor if the mother has another partner etc. for many years in many cultures one parent (and even two) have emigrated, earned more money and sent back stipends to their home town to pay for children and siblings to give them the quality of life they would not otherwise enjoy, and pay for things like education they would not otherwise get. it involves sacrifices on both sides, and it really isn't for you to judge.

so my advice to you is to be less judgmental about the motivations for this man and your sister. (whether or not he comes to Ireland).

You have your own challenges. So do they. Their issues may be different but no less valid. I think that living together in your parents house probably wont be easy for any of you including your parents. I would, if i were you, stay with the grandparents as long as possible. Ask them straight if you are welcome because i get the sense you are very afraid of inconveniencing them, but ive lived with 3 generations in my house and i can honestly say it was a pleasure. It could be the your presence in your grandparents could be a positive thing, and does not have to be you 'taking advantage'. Keep an open mind, do what you can to be of help and dont assume the worst.

afterglow

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi

i get the sense you mean well. This is not mean to be a criticism of you.

Its not for you to determine what relationship this man should have with his child. You dont know how he gets on with the mother now, what role he plays etc. nor if the mother has another partner etc. for many years in many cultures one parent (and even two) have emigrated, earned more money and sent back stipends to their home town to pay for children and siblings to give them the quality of life they would not otherwise enjoy, and pay for things like education they would not otherwise get. it involves sacrifices on both sides, and it really isn't for you to judge.

so my advice to you is to be less judgmental about the motivations for this man and your sister. (whether or not he comes to Ireland).

You have your own challenges. So do they. Their issues may be different but no less valid. I think that living together in your parents house probably wont be easy for any of you including your parents. I would, if i were you, stay with the grandparents as long as possible. Ask them straight if you are welcome because i get the sense you are very afraid of inconveniencing them, but ive lived with 3 generations in my house and i can honestly say it was a pleasure. It could be the your presence in your grandparents could be a positive thing, and does not have to be you 'taking advantage'. Keep an open mind, do what you can to be of help and dont assume the worst.

Hi
my intentions are definitely in the right place, and I do see how it may come across as a little harsh on my part, but I stand by what I said. I hope, so much I hope, I'm proved wrong, but I do feel bad for that other child. I'm not sure about bf and the mother of the other child, I'm not sure how often they see eachother etc.
I love my grandparents and living with them would be great, company, but not overbearing. and loud, in a sort of, western films kinda way, but not an always people in and out sort of way!
Thanks for your insight

eviltwin

afterglow wrote: »

Hi
my intentions are definitely in the right place, and I do see how it may come across as a little harsh on my part, but I stand by what I said. I hope, so much I hope, I'm proved wrong, but I do feel bad for that other child. I'm not sure about bf and the mother of the other child, I'm not sure how often they see eachother etc.
I love my grandparents and living with them would be great, company, but not overbearing. and loud, in a sort of, western films kinda way, but not an always people in and out sort of way!
Thanks for your insight

Instead of judging your sister why don't you just support her and try looking at her pregnancy in a positive way.

There's no way of knowing what the future holds, maybe having a baby will be the making of her. Maybe not being with the father is the best thing for her and her baby. You're going to have a new niece or nephew, it can be a really positive thing for the entire family if you let it. The days of unplanned and single parenthood being a disaster are thankfully gone. And whatever your own thoughts do not mention abortion to her, she made the right choice for her.

You're more likely to get your sisters support for you if you can respond in kind.

tara73

I would also question why not living with the grandparents before you sort out your own living situation. ( I'm guessing or hoping that's the plan in the long run...?)
Why do you have to move into your parents place? Just because your mother says so or wants that?

The only reason would be if your grandparents made it clear they can only accommodate your for xx amount of time for whatever reasons. But if not, what speaks against staying there? Would solve your issue.

But I also get from your posts you are much too invested in the situation of your pregnant sister. You can think of it and have your opinions but in reality all of it is none of your business. Your parents decided to support her as already pointed out and that's their business too, you need to accept that!

Loveinapril

You say you are moving home due to mental health issues but I don't see how moving back in to your family home will help this in any way. It will be overcrowded and you clearly have a lot of opinions on your sister's relationship and pregnancy. Like others, I feel like you should take a step back from being so concerned and judgey of her life choices. I think it would do you best to stay where you are or get your own place after your grandparents' house.

Ursus Horribilis

The situations you and your sister find yourselves in are very much up in the air at the moment. Something tells me there are more twists and turns to come. There's no point in trying to predict where either of you will be in 6 months or 12 months time.

It looks like the best short-term solution for you is to move in with your grandparents. Unless they have said they don't want you to stay for long, perhaps it could turn into a longer-term arrangement. They might be delighted to have you live with them for a long time, not what your parents think is appropriate. Who knows what the future holds? You might find a good job or somewhere better to live down the line. Nothing is set in stone.

As for your sister, it's looking like she's going to be a single mother. What happens next is something that'll be between her and your parents. As somebody said, this could be the makings of her. Or it could turn out to be a mess. The more you can stay out of this, the better. The more emotionally invested you are in this, the harder it is for you to deal with your situation. They are entangled to a certain extent but if you can keep them separate, you might start to see things more clearly.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I get the impression you're not particularly close with your sister, or certainly she at least doesn't share many details of her life with you. You also seem like very different people, you're far more independent despite your impairment.

I think if I was in your position, while I'd intellectually understand that it's my parents' house, their choice, my sister's home as much as mine etc, I'd also still feel a bit of frustration and possibly resentment. That a safety net which I've always managed without and now badly need is now becoming more crowded and less suitable for me because of choices made by someone who's consistently dived into that net over relatively minor setbacks. If you are feeling that, it's OK to acknowledge that (to yourself, wouldn't go bringing it up with your sister or parents). You don't need to frame it as purely being worried for your parents, concerned for your sister's child, you can just be pissed off for yourself while also accepting that you don't have a right to dictate or judge other people's choices.

If you're moving home for your mental health, it seems to me that moving into this environment would be really, really counterproductive. How do you feel about speaking to your grandparents directly and openly about staying with them long term, working out what kind of contribution you can make etc? Would you be able to get a guide dog if you were living there?

You need to figure out what your entitlements are re: housing/HAP as well. I'd recommend contacting your local councillor and getting them to look into it too.

strandroad

eviltwin wrote: »

You're moving back home yourself and yet you begrudge your sister the same support. You do come across as being jealous rather than concerned.

I think it's not quite fair to sum it up like this, the OP is one person and she has a significant disability, plus she is already making arrangements to move out. Her sister and the baby equals two people, and it doesn't sound like the sister has a plan B. To accommodate the latter is a much bigger ask than to accommodate the former, and it might be impossible to accommodate both so it is the OP who will be pushed out.

OP although I can see your point of view, realistically there is nothing you can do bar keep your head down and use social supports to help you move out as soon as you can. You know how to be independent so count it as a massive advantage, and to be honest if you're prone to depression staying in this charged environment might not be in your best interest anyway. I do hope that your disability gives you some extra support options. Best of luck.

afterglow

Helen Howling Revenge wrote: »

I get the impression you're not particularly close with your sister, or certainly she at least doesn't share many details of her life with you. You also seem like very different people, you're far more independent despite your impairment.

I think if I was in your position, while I'd intellectually understand that it's my parents' house, their choice, my sister's home as much as mine etc, I'd also still feel a bit of frustration and possibly resentment. That a safety net which I've always managed without and now badly need is now becoming more crowded and less suitable for me because of choices made by someone who's consistently dived into that net over relatively minor setbacks. If you are feeling that, it's OK to acknowledge that (to yourself, wouldn't go bringing it up with your sister or parents). You don't need to frame it as purely being worried for your parents, concerned for your sister's child, you can just be pissed off for yourself while also accepting that you don't have a right to dictate or judge other people's choices.

If you're moving home for your mental health, it seems to me that moving into this environment would be really, really counterproductive. How do you feel about speaking to your grandparents directly and openly about staying with them long term, working out what kind of contribution you can make etc? Would you be able to get a guide dog if you were living there?

You need to figure out what your entitlements are re: housing/HAP as well. I'd recommend contacting your local councillor and getting them to look into it too.

Hi EB and thank you for your response
I guess because I've been out of things a while, like we all chat and stuff, I just don't tend to ask lots of questions, not because I'm not interested, it just sort of never occurs to me. Now I have all kinds of questions, but 1000 percent know, not my beehive, and I guess, not my place
I also appreciate what you saying about being a little unhappy about the situation.... I appreciate this, and will take it on board. I will talk to them yes. And if they said it was ok, till I get something else sorted, then that would be great. re guide dog, its possible I guess, but honestly, knowing how long the bonding process takes, I'd rather the beginning of a partnership wasn't based there. for me, and a new dog's sake. I've kind of resigned myself to using my cane for now. Technically, if I'm out, if I just see it as it takes as long as it takes, and don't try to rush, which I shouldn't need to, then I shouldn't get as stressed as I once would have

afterglow

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The situations you and your sister find yourselves in are very much up in the air at the moment. Something tells me there are more twists and turns to come. There's no point in trying to predict where either of you will be in 6 months or 12 months time.

It looks like the best short-term solution for you is to move in with your grandparents. Unless they have said they don't want you to stay for long, perhaps it could turn into a longer-term arrangement. They might be delighted to have you live with them for a long time, not what your parents think is appropriate. Who knows what the future holds? You might find a good job or somewhere better to live down the line. Nothing is set in stone.

As for your sister, it's looking like she's going to be a single mother. What happens next is something that'll be between her and your parents. As somebody said, this could be the makings of her. Or it could turn out to be a mess. The more you can stay out of this, the better. The more emotionally invested you are in this, the harder it is for you to deal with your situation. They are entangled to a certain extent but if you can keep them separate, you might start to see things more clearly.

you are right, absolutely
ultimately I need to just put my energy into my own situation and sorting that out. I just can't believe she's going to most likely end up on her own with a baby. but again, not my thing, I know. I think one skill it will be necessary for me to perfect, during all of my time back there, is saying very little.

afterglow

strandroad wrote: »

I think it's not quite fair to sum it up like this, the OP is one person and she has a significant disability, plus she is already making arrangements to move out. Her sister and the baby equals two people, and it doesn't sound like the sister has a plan B. To accommodate the latter is a much bigger ask than to accommodate the former, and it might be impossible to accommodate both so it is the OP who will be pushed out.

OP although I can see your point of view, realistically there is nothing you can do bar keep your head down and use social supports to help you move out as soon as you can. You know how to be independent so count it as a massive advantage, and to be honest if you're prone to depression staying in this charged environment might not be in your best interest anyway. I do hope that your disability gives you some extra support options. Best of luck.

Hi
That's exactly it, what you've just said. I just feel like I'll be in the way, over something my sister has full ability to control and is choosing not to. ( by this I mean choosing to live independently now she knows this little one is on the way ) I already feel like I'm in the way
Even before my mum spoke with my grandparents, she made this massive deal, about how, staying with them wasn't fair, they have their own lives, etc
So in short, once again, I feel like a massive inconvenience who has made a massive mess of everything and who is creating more problems, yet again.
I am emotionally physically, mentally spent. I have no more fight left in me, at least not just now anyway.
I'm hoping some r&r will help with that housing is a big priority for me, but I've been reliably informed it could take years....
Thanks for posting, and your understanding

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

afterglow wrote: »

Hi
That's exactly it, what you've just said. I just feel like I'll be in the way, over something my sister has full ability to control and is choosing not to. ( by this I mean choosing to live independently now she knows this little one is on the way ) I already feel like I'm in the way
Even before my mum spoke with my grandparents, she made this massive deal, about how, staying with them wasn't fair, they have their own lives, etc
So in short, once again, I feel like a massive inconvenience who has made a massive mess of everything and who is creating more problems, yet again.
I am emotionally physically, mentally spent. I have no more fight left in me, at least not just now anyway.
I'm hoping some r&r will help with that housing is a big priority for me, but I've been reliably informed it could take years....
Thanks for posting, and your understanding

Would that be a dynamic that's familiar from your childhood? That your sister is indulged and you're expected to manage, or you're shamed? I see you say above that your grandparents' house was a refuge from home sometimes.

It could be that your mum just really wants you at home and can't appreciate how difficult it's likely to be for you, but if you're worn down to this extent then please do be cautious about going to live with your parents if there's an established toxic family dynamic. If this is out of character for your mum, I suppose give her the benefit of the doubt, she's stressed etc. If it's fairly standard, you need to come up with some coping strategies for that BEFORE you get over here, are you receiving any counselling or anything?

Housing could unfortunately take years, yes, particularly since you have family willing to accommodate you.

Ursus Horribilis

Until you walk a mile in your sister's shoes, I don't think you should pass judgement on her choices. You said earlier in the thread that you'd have had a termination. Fine, that's what you'd do if it happened to you. But you are not your sister, you don't know what thoughts are going around and around in her head. Feel free to get annoyed at her choices but don't judge her.

I'm sorry your parents aren't being fair to you but there is nothing you can do about it. You can't change them or the way they relate to you. The only person you can control is you and your response to them. You have your grandparents as a support instead so that's a positive.

afterglow

Helen Howling Revenge wrote: »

Would that be a dynamic that's familiar from your childhood? That your sister is indulged and you're expected to manage, or you're shamed? I see you say above that your grandparents' house was a refuge from home sometimes.

It could be that your mum just really wants you at home and can't appreciate how difficult it's likely to be for you, but if you're worn down to this extent then please do be cautious about going to live with your parents if there's an established toxic family dynamic. If this is out of character for your mum, I suppose give her the benefit of the doubt, she's stressed etc. If it's fairly standard, you need to come up with some coping strategies for that BEFORE you get over here, are you receiving any counselling or anything?

Housing could unfortunately take years, yes, particularly since you have family willing to accommodate you.

Yeah it is familiar
My sister got a car, for her 18th birthday, I couldn't have a guide dog in my parents house, they said, I didn't need one. ultimately, dog came along, I was shouted at for asking people not to fuss the dog, my dad fed it, and ultimately, that partnership, lasted only a matter of weeks. thankfully though, the dog went on to work with someone else
it just is everything I do, is a mess, and ripe for criticism, the younger siblings, can do what they want
I have always felt like a disappointment. My grandparents saved me from being in so many unpleasant situations, I don't know what I'd have done, had it not been for them.
Another example of unpleasantness was, me wanting to go to get a cd once, and being told, it wouldn't run out of the shop, they can't just drop everything, meanwhile, all of them could go where they wanted, when they wished, that was when I had enough, and went, against everyone's wishes, and did all the orientation training that meant I was able to go to town etc, with my cane.
There is a therapist working, I think anyway, at the charity I'm registered with,& its very possible I could get some appointments with her. She helped me lots before, even sometimes, just being allowed to talk, and not having to watch what you say, helps.

wiggle16

I think there is clearly some underlying bitterness towards your sister here. With respect, it seems from your OP that you were looking to be reassured that you are right to feel she is being selfish, rather than looking for practical advice. I think you need to accept that it doesn't matter.

I do understand to an extent where you're coming from. I'm living at home at the moment (hopefully not for too much longer). My brother and his family had to move in with us earlier this year, which was a tight squeeze, but I won't get into the details here. My brother and I don't get on very well - he is a very self-centred person, and everything he does, I would do differently, or not do it at all. Although it was not their fault they had to move in with us, and I had sympathy for his situation, I was also privately very annoyed because I felt it was yet another instance of his choices and lack of foresight resulting in stress and worry for my parents.

But that was my own opinion, so it didn't matter. Voicing it would not have made any difference to the situation, nor was it my place to speak my mind about it - it had nothing to do with me. So I kept my mouth shut and put it aside. In the end it worked out exactly as I expected it would, in a big bust up. Little apples will grow again.

The thing is, while you can be annoyed on behalf of another person, you can't fight their battles for them. Your parents have decided she can live with them as a single mother, and that's their choice. Whether or not they are making a mistake will be up to them to decide when it all comes out in the wash. In the same way, it sounds like your sister has taken it very easy on herself up til now. As others have said, this could be the making of her, or your parents could decide in a few months they've had enough and she could end up learning the hard way what real life is like "out in the world". But this has nothing to do with you.

My advice would be

1) accept that what you feel towards your sister is down to a difference in your make-up. You'd have made different choices to her, yes. She's living a bit of a charmed life, yes. But don't be angry at her about it. Resentment is a directionless, self-perpetuating and destructive emotion. Take a deep breath and just drop it.

2) everything Ursus and electro~bitch have said. If you move in with your parents and sister, and if you can't drop how you feel about her choices, then you are eventually going to make your feelings on the situation known, and then you can't take it back. The less involved you are with it, the better.

afterglow

wiggle16 wrote: »

I think there is clearly some underlying bitterness towards your sister here. With respect, it seems from your OP that you were looking to be reassured that you are right to feel she is being selfish, rather than looking for practical advice. I think you need to accept that it doesn't matter.

I do understand to an extent where you're coming from. I'm living at home at the moment (hopefully not for too much longer). My brother and his family had to move in with us earlier this year, which was a tight squeeze, but I won't get into the details here. My brother and I don't get on very well - he is a very self-centred person, and everything he does, I would do differently, or not do it at all. Although it was not their fault they had to move in with us, and I had sympathy for his situation, I was also privately very annoyed because I felt it was yet another instance of his choices and lack of foresight resulting in stress and worry for my parents.

But that was my own opinion, so it didn't matter. Voicing it would not have made any difference to the situation, nor was it my place to speak my mind about it - it had nothing to do with me. So I kept my mouth shut and put it aside. In the end it worked out exactly as I expected it would, in a big bust up. Little apples will grow again.

The thing is, while you can be annoyed on behalf of another person, you can't fight their battles for them. Your parents have decided she can live with them as a single mother, and that's their choice. Whether or not they are making a mistake will be up to them to decide when it all comes out in the wash. In the same way, it sounds like your sister has taken it very easy on herself up til now. As others have said, this could be the making of her, or your parents could decide in a few months they've had enough and she could end up learning the hard way what real life is like "out in the world". But this has nothing to do with you.

My advice would be

1) accept that what you feel towards your sister is down to a difference in your make-up. You'd have made different choices to her, yes. She's living a bit of a charmed life, yes. But don't be angry at her about it. Resentment is a directionless, self-perpetuating and destructive emotion. Take a deep breath and just drop it.

2) everything Ursus and electro~bitch have said. If you move in with your parents and sister, and if you can't drop how you feel about her choices, then you are eventually going to make your feelings on the situation known, and then you can't take it back. The less involved you are with it, the better.

hello
I don't resent her, I dislike, immensely, how she can make poor decisions, poor choices, and everyone smiles and says its ok. And on top of all of this, there's a new, tiny, life, coming into instability, and a lack of experience, on my sister's part. Not of motherhood, obviously no one is experienced to begin with, but of life!
And I do not think its fair that everyone should have to live with the choice, she's now made, to have this baby. If that's what she wants to do, fine, but be independent for crying out loud.
Will everyone help look after baby? Yes. Love it unconditionally? yes! Think its beautiful, absolutely! its just the living with my parents I can't get my head around, and the lack of stability with baby's father.
But, you are right, I need to be as uninvolved as possible.

wiggle16

afterglow wrote: »

I don't resent her,

But

afterglow wrote: »

I dislike, immensely, how she can make poor decisions, poor choices, and everyone smiles and says its ok. And on top of all of this, there's a new, tiny, life, coming into instability, and a lack of experience, on my sister's part. Not of motherhood, obviously no one is experienced to begin with, but of life!
And I do not think its fair that everyone should have to live with the choice, she's now made, to have this baby. If that's what she wants to do, fine, but be independent for crying out loud.

And that's exactly what resentment is. A negative attitude towards someone based on feelings of having been treated unfairly by them, or on their account - or that they are being shown a level of fairness you don't believe is due to them.

I'm not picking it apart for the sake of it or being pedantic. That is resentment. You need to put those feelings aside, for your own sake.

I get what you mean, especially with regards the baby - there have been choices made in relation to my brother's kid that I intensely disagreed with as I felt they were not in his best interests and were being made to conform with his parents' poor choices and to suit themselves. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I was thinking the same: Why can't they be more responsible? Why do they think it's okay to put their own preferences ahead of what is in his best interests? Why is it that I would be the bad guy if I speak my mind about it?
But it's their business, and it's their kid. Same for your sister. She has to make her own mistakes - and if other people want to wrap her up in cotton wool, there's nothing you can do about it.

You need to park those feelings and focus on yourself. I'm speaking from experience if nothing else.

Ursus Horribilis

I've seen versions of this come up here from time to time. Families where one or more of the kids are wrapped in cotton wool and mollycoddled for some unknown reason. A sibling who becomes the "golden child" and can do no wrong. Families don't always make sense and no matter how you try to get your head around what's going on, you never will.

Given what you've told us about your sister's upbringing, it's no surprise that she made the dumb decision to have a child with a man who she hardly knows and is unlikely to move to Ireland. Or that she expects other people (mostly mammy and daddy) to pick up the pieces and help her raise this child. How could she be anything else if she has been brought up in this way? As I've said already, what happens next isn't set in stone. Having a baby under their roof could become an issue for your parents.

As for yourself, is living with your grandparents the only option? Would you be open to living in a house-share if you have to leave?

afterglow

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I've seen versions of this come up here from time to time. Families where one or more of the kids are wrapped in cotton wool and mollycoddled for some unknown reason. A sibling who becomes the "golden child" and can do no wrong. Families don't always make sense and no matter how you try to get your head around what's going on, you never will.

Given what you've told us about your sister's upbringing, it's no surprise that she made the dumb decision to have a child with a man who she hardly knows and is unlikely to move to Ireland. Or that she expects other people (mostly mammy and daddy) to pick up the pieces and help her raise this child. How could she be anything else if she has been brought up in this way? As I've said already, what happens next isn't set in stone. Having a baby under their roof could become an issue for your parents.

As for yourself, is living with your grandparents the only option? Would you be open to living in a house-share if you have to leave?

yes, I most certainly would indeed. Living independently doesn't bother me at all, it will though, be nice to have family close by.
I'll be a little weary of houseshares, just because of some more than dodge experiences I've had here, but definitely open to it, specially if it meant, I could go forward with guide dog application, etc

afterglow

wiggle16 wrote: »

But



And that's exactly what resentment is. A negative attitude towards someone based on feelings of having been treated unfairly by them, or on their account - or that they are being shown a level of fairness you don't believe is due to them.

I'm not picking it apart for the sake of it or being pedantic. That is resentment. You need to put those feelings aside, for your own sake.

I get what you mean, especially with regards the baby - there have been choices made in relation to my brother's kid that I intensely disagreed with as I felt they were not in his best interests and were being made to conform with his parents' poor choices and to suit themselves. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I was thinking the same: Why can't they be more responsible? Why do they think it's okay to put their own preferences ahead of what is in his best interests? Why is it that I would be the bad guy if I speak my mind about it?
But it's their business, and it's their kid. Same for your sister. She has to make her own mistakes - and if other people want to wrap her up in cotton wool, there's nothing you can do about it.

You need to park those feelings and focus on yourself. I'm speaking from experience if nothing else.

You are right.
I can't control that situation now, anymore than I can control the weather. But I do, have control over how I react.
I hate that your right, because it makes me feel awful, but when you explain it like that, yes, its hard to say, but I think, possibly there might be some resentment there. that makes me feel awful
I appreciate the fact, you came from a similar situation, and i also appreciate, how you wrote what you did in a kind way, that makes a difference.

Ursus Horribilis

You wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what's happening. You're going through a tough time yourself and you'd think that your family would be there to help you. But they aren't and instead, you're looking at the very different treatment your sister is receiving. Who wouldn't be pissed off about that?

wiggle16

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what's happening. You're going through a tough time yourself and you'd think that your family would be there to help you. But they aren't and instead, you're looking at the very different treatment your sister is receiving. Who wouldn't be pissed off about that?

When you put it like that, it becomes a little easier to understand.

OP, your family look at you and they see someone who, in spite of having a [visual?] impairment, is independent and well able to look after themselves - independent enough to live abroad and everything. They know they don't need to worry about you in the long run.

On the other end of the spectrum they look at your sister, who couldn't hack a week of living away from home and doesn't know how to run a house or look after herself, let alone anyone else.

So when one of you needs a helping hand, who are they going to cast the safety net for? The damsel in distress, of course.
I know that doesn't make it fair, and really they're not doing her any favours coddling her. It sounds like you're a victim of your own success, in a sense.

You should not feel awful or bad for thinking like that or feeling resentment. As Ursus says you wouldn't be human otherwise. But you do need to get a handle on those feelings and set them aside, because they're not productive. Even if she does learn to stand on her own two feet, your sister's relationship with your parents will probably always be like this - and that's too long a time for you to be carrying those feelings around with you whenever you interact with them.

I know I'm making it sound very simple, but you need to take a breath and say "They've been too kind with her, and she's been too easy on herself, and that's just how things have ended up the way they are". Dwelling on it is a waste of your time. Look after yourself and let your parents worry about your sister.

wiggle16

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I've seen versions of this come up here from time to time. Families where one or more of the kids are wrapped in cotton wool and mollycoddled for some unknown reason. A sibling who becomes the "golden child" and can do no wrong. Families don't always make sense and no matter how you try to get your head around what's going on, you never will.

The chick that screeches the most is usually the fattest one leaving the nest.

afterglow

wiggle16 wrote: »

When you put it like that, it becomes a little easier to understand.

OP, your family look at you and they see someone who, in spite of having a [visual?] impairment, is independent and well able to look after themselves - independent enough to live abroad and everything. They know they don't need to worry about you in the long run.

On the other end of the spectrum they look at your sister, who couldn't hack a week of living away from home and doesn't know how to run a house or look after herself, let alone anyone else.

So when one of you needs a helping hand, who are they going to cast the safety net for? The damsel in distress, of course.
I know that doesn't make it fair, and really they're not doing her any favours coddling her. It sounds like you're a victim of your own success, in a sense.

You should not feel awful or bad for thinking like that or feeling resentment. As Ursus says you wouldn't be human otherwise. But you do need to get a handle on those feelings and set them aside, because they're not productive. Even if she does learn to stand on her own two feet, your sister's relationship with your parents will probably always be like this - and that's too long a time for you to be carrying those feelings around with you whenever you interact with them.

I know I'm making it sound very simple, but you need to take a breath and say "They've been too kind with her, and she's been too easy on herself, and that's just how things have ended up the way they are". Dwelling on it is a waste of your time. Look after yourself and let your parents worry about your sister.

ha I know what you mean, that's funny... A victim of my own success, wouldn't have been a term I'd have used....
I'm going to take your advice. mind my own beeswax and just focus on my own situation.
I thank you all for responses so far

lainey_d_123

wiggle16 wrote: »

When you put it like that, it becomes a little easier to understand.

OP, your family look at you and they see someone who, in spite of having a [visual?] impairment, is independent and well able to look after themselves - independent enough to live abroad and everything. They know they don't need to worry about you in the long run.

On the other end of the spectrum they look at your sister, who couldn't hack a week of living away from home and doesn't know how to run a house or look after herself, let alone anyone else.

So when one of you needs a helping hand, who are they going to cast the safety net for? The damsel in distress, of course.
I know that doesn't make it fair, and really they're not doing her any favours coddling her. It sounds like you're a victim of your own success, in a sense.

You should not feel awful or bad for thinking like that or feeling resentment. As Ursus says you wouldn't be human otherwise. But you do need to get a handle on those feelings and set them aside, because they're not productive. Even if she does learn to stand on her own two feet, your sister's relationship with your parents will probably always be like this - and that's too long a time for you to be carrying those feelings around with you whenever you interact with them.

I know I'm making it sound very simple, but you need to take a breath and say "They've been too kind with her, and she's been too easy on herself, and that's just how things have ended up the way they are". Dwelling on it is a waste of your time. Look after yourself and let your parents worry about your sister.

This is exactly it, IMO. I've been in a very similar situation and it's almost impossible not to feel bitter and resentful.

I also overcame mental and physical health problems to live abroad and be independent while my sibling was coddled. The rare time I asked for help, I got 'tough love' and either it was outright refused or given begrudgingly.

It's really galling when the very odd time you need a safety net, it's not there, and all the while you see a sibling making poor decisions, being ungrateful and squandering money/resources, and still your parents insist on pandering to them. It absolutely comes from the parents knowing that the independent child will be OK and that the other one is incapable of functioning on their own but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the moment. It feels like they are showing that they don't care or love you, and it is pretty awful behaviour all around.

I feel like people have been pretty hard on the OP here. It's hard to imagine how this all feels when it hasn't happened to you.

lainey_d_123

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You wouldn't be human if you didn't resent what's happening. You're going through a tough time yourself and you'd think that your family would be there to help you. But they aren't and instead, you're looking at the very different treatment your sister is receiving. Who wouldn't be pissed off about that?

Very true. And the sister's situation is 100% self inflicted as well. The OP has done really well managing with a disability and being independent while the sister thinks it's OK to have a child she can't support with someone she barely knows, and now it's the OP who is cast aside while the sister gets all the help. It's so sad that so many parents do this and it's a horrible realisation when you cop on to how things are.

I'd be distancing myself from the lot of them, personally.

afterglow

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Very true. And the sister's situation is 100% self inflicted as well. The OP has done really well managing with a disability and being independent while the sister thinks it's OK to have a child she can't support with someone she barely knows, and now it's the OP who is cast aside while the sister gets all the help. It's so sad that so many parents do this and it's a horrible realisation when you cop on to how things are.

I'd be distancing myself from the lot of them, personally.

Hi
Thank you very much for your response
I don't blame some people not understanding, like you so rightly said, its not happening to them.
The way you explained it, her getting all the help, while I'm just expected to do everything myself, help not given, its all true.
I will do my best to have my own place asap. I fought for my independence, she is just choosing to have what independence suits her, job, car, etc, but have a baby and live at home, now there's a fabulous idea.... my sister was once allowed to buy too horses, I even think my family contributed to them.
I could say I was going to high tea with the queen and hrh prince charles, and it would still just be ' yeah, fine, whatever ' if sister done the same, I trust it would be all smiles and bunnies
Its nice to know I'm not on my own, but I'm really sorry you've been through something similar

lainey_d_123

afterglow wrote: »

Hi
Thank you very much for your response
I don't blame some people not understanding, like you so rightly said, its not happening to them.
The way you explained it, her getting all the help, while I'm just expected to do everything myself, help not given, its all true.
I will do my best to have my own place asap. I fought for my independence, she is just choosing to have what independence suits her, job, car, etc, but have a baby and live at home, now there's a fabulous idea.... my sister was once allowed to buy too horses, I even think my family contributed to them.
I could say I was going to high tea with the queen and hrh prince charles, and it would still just be ' yeah, fine, whatever ' if sister done the same, I trust it would be all smiles and bunnies
Its nice to know I'm not on my own, but I'm really sorry you've been through something similar

Some families unfortunately have this dynamic. The 'golden child' who can do no wrong and the other(s) who are cast aside. The golden child is usually chosen in early childhood and in the parents' minds, that's it. It doesn't matter what happens after that or what you do or don't do, it's set in their mind. No doubt that if you were the one to get pregnant, they'd tell you to sort it out yourself and that you should have been more careful.

I 100% identify with what you said about going to tea with the Queen. My parents have little to no interest in my life unless it's something they can criticise or give out about. If it's something good, they don't want to know. They never ask me anything about my job (had a major career change a year ago), never ask me anything about my life. Anything nice I'm doing, they imply I don't deserve it. I'm going away for a weekend next week as a little treat, just one night away with a friend, and when I mentioned it, I got 'oh Lainey! You should be saving money, not going on fancy trips'. Meanwhile my sister is in Australia for a whole month and that's absolutely fine because she 'works hard and deserves it' (never mind that I often work 60 hour weeks myself).

There's no point in fighting it. They won't change. It's not fair and will never be fair, but that's the way it is. All you can do is try to live the life you want. In a weird way you are the one who is better off. You're independent, you have life skills, you have options. Your sister is depending on the goodwill of your parents for everything. She probably couldn't leave if she wanted to. Focus on building the life you want to have and it will feel so satisfying when you get there!

strandroad

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

There's no point in fighting it. They won't change. It's not fair and will never be fair, but that's the way it is. All you can do is try to live the life you want. In a weird way you are the one who is better off. You're independent, you have life skills, you have options. Your sister is depending on the goodwill of your parents for everything. She probably couldn't leave if she wanted to. Focus on building the life you want to have and it will feel so satisfying when you get there!

This is wise advice OP. And to add to it, you do have people in your life who are of real support and help to you: your grandparents, your therapist. Perhaps, if the starts align you could have a guide dog as well. Please focus on building your relationships with people who care about you and are happy that you're returning and will be closer to them now. Your parents are your sister are locked into their circle but you don't need to be a part of it, you have other things to do and hopefully supports to pursue them.

HildaOgdenx

strandroad wrote: »

This is wise advice OP. And to add to it, you do have people in your life who are of real support and help to you: your grandparents, your therapist. Perhaps, if the starts align you could have a guide dog as well. Please focus on building your relationships with people who care about you and are happy that you're returning and will be closer to them now. Your parents are your sister are locked into their circle but you don't need to be a part of it, you have other things to do and hopefully supports to pursue them.

+1.

A lot of families have that dynamic, IMO. Maybe not always as obvious, as in your own situation, OP, but definitely there. I think the coddled one/ golden child also becomes very clever (manipulative) at maintaining that position, as they get older also.
Coddling someone doesn't necessarily do them any good, in the long run.

For what it's worth, you seem to be a very strong person. You wouldn't be human if you weren't a bit cheesed off. I fully agree with previous posters, build on good relationships, and keep a safe distance from others.

If your grandparents are happy to have you to stay, and it sounds like they are, then go for it. Take a slight step back, in your head, from your mother's opinion, on the matter. Is she saying that it's not fair, out of concern for, you, them, what the neighbours / other relatives might say...?
That's not something you can control, or should even worry about.

All the best.