Cheating in-law

LegacyUser

Hi,

I only found out this weekend that my brother-in-law cheated on his wife (my sister) about 10 years with 2 of our family friends and has also used prostitutes in the past.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach after hearing this news. He's been known to lie about things so I never fully trusted him, nevertheless I am shocked to hear that he betrayed my sister in this horrible way. My sister doesn't even know about what he has done and only 2 of my family members know about it but never said anything until it spilled this weekend.

They have a young child together and are in the process of building a house.

Is it better to keep quiet about this or to tell my sister?

Anyone else ever stuck with this dilemma before?

Thanks in advance.

skallywag

When did this happen?

whiskeyman

I wouldn't be surprised if she knows already.
These threads have come up a lot before.
Most will recommend you stay out of it.

ILoveYourVibes

I think you owe it to your sister to tell her.

Let her make the decision.

But to be honest i know its a really hard call to know what the right thing to do is.


Maybe give him a chance to tell her first.

I don't judge people who wouldn't tell though. I can see why.

Jurgen Klopp

You should absolutely tell her, she's your sister! If I found out a family member or friend knew something like that and never told me I'd never speak to them again.

It reminds me of a story I heard lately about a girl who's bf is a coke head and sorted her sisters fiance with some coke. She says to him "whatever you do don't tell Kate he took coke shed call the wedding off"

Some fcukin sister

I never get supposed "friends" or "family" that don't have someones back and make them aware it's disgusting

ILoveYourVibes

You do have to look out for your siblings op. Plus you say he has been known to lie about things.

I think its best she knows what she is getting into. If she chooses to forgive etc she is then doing it with her eyes open.

emilymemily

It's up to you but if it was me id tell. I couldnt hold something like that from someone I cared about. She has a right to know, after that she can decide what she wants to do.

unattendedbag

I'm a bit confused. Did this happen 10 years ago or are they together 10 years?

If it's a recent thing then I'd agree with the others that it can't be let go but if its historic then don't get involved.

Aye Bosun

Providing you have unquestionable proof, then you have to tell her.

It’s the right thing to do and if family don’t have your back who does?

wiggle16

As other posters have said, it's not clear from your post whether they are together ten years and he's been cheating since, or if he cheated ten years ago. Looks like you just left a word out by mistake, but it makes a big difference.

If they have a young child now then I assume ten years ago they were a young couple and probably not together very long? If that's the case and this happened ten years ago I would leave it and forget about it. The past is a different country; there's no good to be had from throwing light on something that happened that long ago and it's not fair on the child.

If this is more recent (since the title of your thread says "cheating") and you're absolutely sure it's true, then yes I would tell her.

I am very curious to know though, how did you find out?

Xterminator

Hi

there are really two scenarios here.

your sister already knows or suspects, and has decided to do nothing, or your sister is in the dark.

if she already knows or suspects and has decided to ignore it and play happy families, your intervention will be unwelcome.

if she doesn't know, and you tell her you could destroy her family life. I'm sure you have heard the saying "don't shoot the messenger", but in real life, the messenger often gets the blame, or at least partly. and your intervention will be unwelcome!

There are 2 other people in your family that already know this secret. why have them kept quiet? You would do well to understand the why, before getting involved.

In the end its a judgement call, i would advise you talk with your parents if they are still alive and tell them you just found out, x & y already know and talk about how sure you are its true and if and how to tell you sister.

I would not go solo on this decision. its a life changer.

ManOfMystery

It's a horrible position to be in, and I've seen threads like this before. It's a scenario where you wish you never knew at all.

However, you do know so you have only 2 choices : tell her, or don't tell her.

Each choices has pros and cons, but personally I think it's always best to err on the side of honesty. Your sister may be broken hearted, she may be angry, she may not want to hear this, but ultimately you can at least live with your conscience and know that you didn't betray or lie to her. If she is totally unaware of this, and then found out about it down the line, it would be a double betrayal then from both her her husband and her sibling.

However, I would definitely advise taking a softly softly approach. Just give her the information and let her decide what she wants to do with it, don't pass any judgement or comments on it. And if she already knows about it but has chosen to put up with it, that's her choice too.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thanks for your replies.

Sorry, meant to say 10 years ago.

A family friend told me at the weekend; he had kept this information for 10 years. This family friend in question said he's not sure if my brother-in-law has cheated since. He wouldn't be surprised because a couple of years ago the bro-in-law had offered him a phone number for a local prostitute.

I think my sister deserves to know but at the same time I don't want to turn her world upside down.

This is a horrible position to be in.

farmchoice

id be very careful here, if you did not actually see it happening your are relying on the word of others who so far have kept their own mouths shut.
if you do tell her when the **** hits the fan will your sources back you up or will they run for cover? they will have lots of questions to answer about their silence so there is every chance they will either completely or partially hang you out to dry.
you are going to be accusing her husband of cheating and various other people of colluding with him to keep it from her.
there is a high chance you come out of this the bad guy, when everyone says you got the wrong end of the stick.



it is very dangerous to go telling second hand stories, no matter how sure you think they are correct.

wiggle16

farmchoice wrote: »

id be very careful here, if you did not actually see it happening your are relying on the word of others who so far have kept their own mouths shut.
if you do tell her when the **** hits the fan will your sources back you up or will they run for cover? they will have lots of questions to answer about their silence so there is every chance they will either completely or partially hang you out to dry.
you are going to be accusing her husband of cheating and various other people of colluding with him to keep it from her.
there is a high chance you come out of this the bad guy, when everyone says you got the wrong end of the stick.

it is very dangerous to go telling second hand stories, no matter how sure you think they are correct.

This ^

You need to be very sure that what you're being told is the case. This is very much a possible "shoot the messenger" situation - even if what you're being told is true, there is every chance your sister may not believe you and stand by him, to your detriment.

I would only consider the things you've been concretely told - the things your family member say they have first hand experience of, not their suppositions. Second hand info is one thing, second hand speculation is another thing entirely.

I would also have a good think about why, after ten years with their mouth shut, this family member decided they needed to tell you now. Could this person have an axe to grind with your brother-in-law? Could they have an axe to grind with you? What prompted the conversation?

And why tell you and not your sister? They may be hoping that you will reveal all so they don't have to. I'd be wary of the motivations of those who have kept quiet all this time.

In the long run, it does not sound like you are going to be able to live with this secret. If it was a one off when they were a young couple, I'd forget about it.
If you're sure it's true, and it's a pattern of behaviour over a number of years, I don't think I could hold my tongue either. But be very wary in how you proceed and about what you're being told- and why.

ILoveYourVibes

feelinghelpless wrote: »

Hi, OP here. Thanks for your replies.

Sorry, meant to say 10 years ago.

A family friend told me at the weekend; he had kept this information for 10 years. This family friend in question said he's not sure if my brother-in-law has cheated since. He wouldn't be surprised because a couple of years ago the bro-in-law had offered him a phone number for a local prostitute.

I think my sister deserves to know but at the same time I don't want to turn her world upside down.

This is a horrible position to be in.

Then its all hearsay.

It might not be true. And if it is ...all he has to do is deny it. Be careful.

cannotlogin

I'm usually on the side of tell the person because I would want to be told myself.

However:-

1. You have no evidence or proof whatsoever

2. There's a massive time lag & for all you know maybe things changed in the interim, there a big difference between a 17 year old and a 27 year old

3. The number for a prostitute is no indication of anything i.e. I could give you one & I'm female and have never used one!

4. You have no idea of the motives of the person who told you

There's a good chance your brother in law is an asshole but you can't prove it and have no certainty. If you did, my advice would be very different. It's also unclear how 2 other family members know etc.

Kidchameleon

Id be on the side of telling her anyway but the fact that he may be using prostitutes opens your sister up to a risk of sti. A text message from a throwaway phone and then leave it at that. Let them deal with it themselves. I think she has the right to know and not be made a fool of.

farmchoice

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Id be on the side of telling her anyway but the fact that he may be using prostitutes opens your sister up to a risk of sti. A text message from a throwaway phone and then leave it at that. Let them deal with it themselves. I think she has the right to know and not be made a fool of.

not to derail the thread or have it descend into argument but this is a terrible idea.
for one thing the only person who we know for a fact has a number for a prostitute is the person who told the OP and secondly even if the brother in law did have such a number its proof of nothing.
sending an anonymous text is a terrible idea, in this or in almost any circumstance.
are you going to give the name of the person who told you or is it going to be a completely uncorroborated stand alone statement? no one would believe such a thing.
plus if you then got more info in the future and you did decide to tell th story everyone would know the first text was from you and it would completely undermine your credibility you would appear to everyone as a crank and a troublemaker.
chances are your sister and brother in law may even have gone to the guards with the first text and you could find yourself in right trouble if it ever came out.

Mr. Incognito

Good morning.

Why has no-one suggested that you ask your Brother in Law about it.

Seems a ****ty thing to go start spreading rumours and distrust in your sisters marriage without having the common human decency to ask him to his face if it's true.

If he says it's bull**** I'd stay out of it.

wiggle16

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Why has no-one suggested that you ask your Brother in Law about it.

If it's true (unless someone is trying to set up the OP) then approaching him is giving him the opportunity to pre-empt the OP to their sister. I don't think that's a good idea, particularly if he has a track record of lying.

AulWan

Stay out of it.

If it happened some time ago, and 2 of your family members already know, why didn't they tell her?

What was their motive for telling you now?

strandroad

What kind of relationship do you have with your sister?

I am close with my siblings and if something like this happened I would be on to her immediately to say "Look, so and so just told me that your husband did xyz and they know it because xyz. I know nothing whatsoever beyond that but I think you should know. That's all I had to say.".

Lay down the facts, add nothing and let them act as they see fit, but don't keep them in the dark. They have the right to know and they choose to do nothing it's their informed decision. If you keep it secret you are putting them at risk of contracting STIs, wasting many years in a doomed marriage etc. I can't imagine doing it to my sister or brother, we are family and we look after one another.

the_pen_turner

Why did this person decide to tell you this now.
They either have some ulterior motive or have new information to make them speak up now.

Ask them how they got their info

peckerhead

feelinghelpless wrote: »

A family friend told me at the weekend; he had kept this information for 10 years. This family friend in question said he's not sure if my brother-in-law has cheated since. He wouldn't be surprised because a couple of years ago the bro-in-law had offered him a phone number for a local prostitute.

A number of posters still seem to think it's another family member who has made these claims; it's not.

OP, you have to ask yourself what sort of motives this "friend" might have. Cui bono and all that.

(a) he sat on the info for ten years. Why now?
(b) two years ago, he was on whatever terms with the BIL that they were discussing prostitutes?
(c) he knows you dislike the BIL and will be quick to believe the allegation, and (hopefully) act on it.

Do you think the guy has your sister's interests at heart, or could there be some other reason he would like to see BIL's life f*cked with, without him having to do anything directly?

I'd tread warily.

AulWan

At best, I'd speak to the brother-in-law first, and ask him outright does she know, and tell him the gossip that is going on.

Because thats what this is - gossip.

If she does know already, then she might not like the fact that her family/friends are gossiping behind her back about her marriage.

If she doesn't know, then you tell him that he has a chance to tell her before someone else does.

You don't have to be the one to tell her.

Which brings me back to - why haven't the other two family members told her?

Because i'd nearly guarantee you, whoever does tell her (if not her husband) is most likely going to end up the messenger who gets shot.

She will also most likely be extremely embarrassed.

Goodigal

OP, as someone who's husband cheated on me, I would like to know. My ex's family members knew he had a child with another woman. And yet I didn't. The feeling that so many people knew this and didn't think it relevant to tell me was a huge thing to get over when it eventually came out. Telling your sister will change her life completely if the info is true. But to not know, well it's heart breaking from her point of view. Not only is she oblivious but she's at risk of STD too. Tread carefully.

joeguevara

It's your sister end of. She is your family. Forget about everyone else. Sit her down and tell her what you heard...but be prepared to be the bad one. Family comes first though

lalababa

I've really lost track of the amount of fellas I know shagging all round them whilst being married. I'd be very reluctant to say anything to the spouse. AFAIK they blot it out. Now if the shoe was on the other foot.... they'd be war!

joeguevara

lalababa wrote: »

I've really lost track of the amount of fellas I know shagging all round them whilst being married. I'd be very reluctant to say anything to the spouse. AFAIK they blot it out. Now if the shoe was on the other foot.... they'd be war!

It's a sister. Not a randlomerl.

Noo

While it's a horrible situation to be in, I dont think you can tell her without more evidence. I once had a friend who asked me if I had any suspicions her bf may have ever cheated on her (she obviously had some suspicion), my answer was no because that was my honest answer at the time. However a few months later a mutual friend told me that it's well known in his group that the bf had indeed been up to no good, I practically dragged that much out of him and couldnt get anymore. So I was left with the info that yes the bf may have cheated but I wouldn't say who with, when, where, how etc. I really couldnt turn her life upside down with such vague info so kept quiet.

farmchoice

there have been a lot of very good points made on this thread, having read them all this is where i stand.
earlier on in the thread i was saying you probably should not tell her as you have no evidence except hearsay and it could be you who ends up as the bad guy.
i suppose when you think about it you cannot tell her her husband cheated because you have absolutely zero evidence that he did.what you have is a story someone else told you.

however what you can do is tell her what person X told you( and name this person no more cloak and daggers, if that person is prepared to go around telling people this man cheated he better be prepared to deal with the consequences of that, for a start he expects you to and secondly if he had told you he has told others).
say listen this is what X said to me i dont know if its true, he seemed sure you better speak to him because out from anything else if its not true he is scandalizing you and your husband around the town.


in this way your conscience is clear and the person who is making the allegations can then back them up.
if this person X has sworn you to secrecy and you cannot break his trust then the decision you have to make is do you believe the story enough to do the right thing and tell your sister and face the consequences for you with the story teller. this is a lot harder for you than just lobbing a hand grenade into your sisters life and then letting them deal with it.

zig

IMO Forget about evidence, people rarely have evidence for something like this to be honest. When people get caught in these situations its usually because someone said something. You're hardly going to have a set of secret photographs that have been buried for 10 years.

I would tell her, both for yourself and for your sister, you have deep knowledge about something that matters hugely to their relationship and I think its your responsibility as a sister to say something. Just pass on what you heard, and who told you. Everyone deserves truth in circumstances like this.

She may be suspecting something and is questioning herself, who knows, or she may not be at all, but she is your sister and she has a right to know.

If it wasnt direct family this would be more complicated because its less of your business, but she is family, this is your business.

Butterface

If it was my sister, I wouldn't hesitate to tell her what I'd heard and from whom.

I'm a twin so I absolutely wouldn't keep anything like that from her.

I would expect her to act in the same way.

Wouldn't it be better to hear it from your sibling, than a randomer a few years down the line?

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again. Thanks again for all your replies. I have been reading them and mulling over what to do.

I'm still as confused as before though. I haven't seen my sister since I was told this news. I just don't know what I'm going to say to her and how to approach this if I do decide to tell her.

I can't even talk to anyone about it so feeling very alone in this situation

If you don't tell her what you know and she finds out later that you knew and didn't tell her she will hate you forever and understandably IMO. I'd agree to only tell her what you've been told rather than slam dunk certainty that "your husband is cheating."

There could be someone with a grudge spreading rumours.

Caranica

Given that it's 10 years ago is there a chance that she knows he cheated and they've worked through it? I would be concerned about the prostitute thing but my first port of call would be the brother in law rather than my sister