Anyone else fed up of dating apps?

Wibbs

seenitall wrote: »

By a non-pressurised social environment, I mean anything but a "date", essentially. I even loathe the word, but that's just me. The whole concept just feels so frickin American and artificial. (I'm not Irish, I'm from EE, so may have something to do with it.) It's just hanging out with someone, this time without other friends around. This thing of going to a specific appointment to specifically gauge another person's romantic potential is so cold, contrived, unromantic.

+1000. Can't abide this imported "dating culture" myself either. I've gone on a few organised "dates" and with the exception of one they were boring as hell or downright irritating TBH, including the ones with the twenty questions from some Cosmo checklist, a few minutes after "hello" and not to be too unkind, they weren't exactly in the position to be asking too many questions with such apparent vigour. The exception was we both early on saw the daftness and the lack of any spark in that direction and just had a bit of craic.

Wompa1

One of my wife's friends is into online dating. She was over visiting from the US and it was like a hobby. Take out the phone and look at what the local men were like. She travelled for work so it was something she'd do everywhere she went. He default position seemed to be that all of the men were below her and every story of dates she went on made the guys sound like losers.

I consider myself lucky that online dating wasn't a thing for most of my young life. I feel like for women it must be like me looking for a new laptop online. I'd spend 2 years looking and never committing and buying one because I'd think I'd regret it right away and a newer model will come out.

Thelonious Monk

Wompa1 wrote: »

One of my wife's friends is into online dating. She was over visiting from the US and it was like a hobby. Take out the phone and look at what the local men were like. She travelled for work so it was something she'd do everywhere she went. He default position seemed to be that all of the men were below her and every story of dates she went on made the guys sound like losers.

I consider myself lucky that online dating wasn't a thing for most of my young life. I feel like for women it must be like me looking for a new laptop online. I'd spend 2 years looking and never committing and buying one because I'd think I'd regret it right away and a newer model will come out.

As a man I think it's pretty great overall. As you get older you're less likely to be out as much meeting people etc, so the apps are perfect for meeting people. Plus there are so many in Dublin that the choices are endless, and if you keep at it you'll probably meet someone you really like.
And yes like your friend when you're abroad you can fire up an app and check out the local talent, this has served me well a couple of times when travelling alone, even if just to hang out with someone.
What a time to be alive, imo!

seenitall

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000. Can't abide this imported "dating culture" myself either. I've gone on a few organised "dates" and with the exception of one they were boring as hell or downright irritating TBH, including the ones with the twenty questions from some Cosmo checklist, a few minutes after "hello" and not to be too unkind, they weren't exactly in the position to be asking too many questions with such apparent vigour. The exception was we both early on saw the daftness and the lack of any spark in that direction and just had a bit of craic.

Yeah agreed. With me, I think it's the combo of being from a culture where these things happen in a more fluid way, a cafe (Communist/post Communist) culture where young people/students had a lot of time on their hands to sit outside the cafe with an interminable cappuccino in front of them, watching the world go by and chattering with their mates, male and female alike. Things evolve organically then, "friend of a friend" type situations abound. And of the fact that I am a very informal sort of character anyway. Seeing people in business suits is almost rash-inducing! (No matter that I'm also obliged to look the part from time to time.)

coffee_cake

i found dating grand - i did have a laid back approach and just meeting new people for a chat mindset. had good times just chatting away, met a few weirdos, the usual

ToddyDoody

The dating apps themselves are fine, its the people that are sh*te.

bitofabind

I think most people get jaded / disgruntled really quickly with the apps and the crappy behaviour they seem to encourage. Ghosting, disappearing, dating 5 people at a time and never committing etc. Either that or they act like kids in a candy shop and serial date multiple people for years in that effort to find their "perfect 10 out of 10" and get really picky about things that in the real world don't tend to have a bearing on compatibility in the long run. Kinda par for the course when you're swiping on people's faces and the search for a partner feels more like ordering a pizza online.

I think you need a pretty tough skin and robust sense of self-confidence if you're going to play the online game because disappointment and rejection is 100% guaranteed for everyone. Not just for men. My experience was either of meeting a rake of "nice but not for me" guys or really feeling like I had connected with someone only to be old news within a handful of dates.

If you're prone to taking things personally, your self-esteem will disintegrate fairly lively.

Leg End Reject

Potential-Monke wrote: »

It still stings a little, and if it's happening 99.9% of the time on the dating apps, you begin to question yourself, and the downward spiral begins. Unfortunately, not everyone has the mental fortitude to react to every rejection positively. The joys of individuality!

Update: I joined Bumble the other night, never heard of it before but the 'she makes the first move' is interesting. I've just got my first match. Now we play the waiting game, as she has 24 hours to contact me. Maybe I could turn this into my romantic escapades thread!

For all the negatives you've posted about yourself, your self awareness and humour shine through. You've answered people honestly and haven't once gotten irritated.

The HUGE plus for you though is that there isn't even a hint of bitterness, nor any of the "all women are ..." from any of your posts. I hope all goes well for you and you do meet someone.

Greyfox

bluewolf wrote: »

i found dating grand - i did have a laid back approach and just meeting new people for a chat mindset. had good times just chatting away, met a few weirdos, the usual

I think this attitude is a must. You need to treat it like your meeting this person for a chat that way if it's a nice chat and leads to nothing more you just carry on to the next chat.. the nice to meet you but your not the one for me is part of the course with od which is why you should be multi dating. Multi dating can be extra time consuming but it helps to stop you from lingering on the ones that ghost you.. and everyone gets ghosted

lainey_d_123

Leg End Reject wrote: »

For all the negatives you've posted about yourself, your self awareness and humour shine through. You've answered people honestly and haven't once gotten irritated.

The HUGE plus for you though is that there isn't even a hint of bitterness, nor any of the "all women are ..." from any of your posts. I hope all goes well for you and you do meet someone.

I agree. I think people are being a bit harsh. I agree that going to Japan and thinking it's going to be so different there is probably the wrong approach but he seems like a good guy overall.

lainey_d_123

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

Maybe you shouldn't have messed the guy around and he wouldn't have been annoyed?

Who said she was 'messing him around'? Life happens, people get sick, people's relatives get sick, people get called into work. Or sometimes you just get a weird vibe from someone and change your mind. It doesn't matter. Only an entitled d1ckhead gets abusive and angry because a stranger they have never met cancels a date.

lainey_d_123

Greyfox wrote: »

I think this attitude is a must. You need to treat it like your meeting this person for a chat that way if it's a nice chat and leads to nothing more you just carry on to the next chat.. the nice to meet you but your not the one for me is part of the course with od which is why you should be multi dating. Multi dating can be extra time consuming but it helps to stop you from lingering on the ones that ghost you.. and everyone gets ghosted

Could not disagree more re multi dating.

This 'stay cool and detached and date around' approach is IMO largely why so many people are incapable of forming proper bonds and starting real relationships these days. You're supposed to get a bit carried away, not be cold and clinical and making sure you have a back-up plan. How can you give anything a proper chance when your attention is so divided?

coffee_cake

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Could not disagree more re multi dating.

This 'stay cool and detached and date around' approach is IMO largely why so many people are incapable of forming proper bonds and starting real relationships these days. You're supposed to get a bit carried away, not be cold and clinical and making sure you have a back-up plan. How can you give anything a proper chance when your attention is so divided?

i think it depends on the person.
some people are ok with it, and some aren't, and both are ok imo.

i suppose the idea is that there are just an awful lot of people out there, you don't know them at all, and you shouldn't be attached to the first person you meet.

nthclare

Dating apps are ok if you're not sensitive and your only expectations is to be responsible, respectful and use common sense.

lainey_d_123

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

Well I hope she had a genuine reason because flaking on someone at the last minute is a ****ty thing to do.

How fecking entitled are you?? A stranger from an app owes you literally nothing. I had men flake on me the odd time when I was using apps...no idea whether the reasons they gave were true or not, but who cares? A plan to meet for a drink isn't some binding contract. Personally speaking, any time I cancelled a date it was because I started to get weird or entitled vibes from the guy.

Church on Tuesday

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

It's not about entitlement, its about having respect for the other person. Standing people up was always considered a ****ty thing to do but now we because we have this internet dating culture suddenly it's ok?


OK fine, but don't complain when the guy you really likes ghosts you.

I could be wrong here, but I reckon if that chap was OK with that poster cancelling (because, y'know, this is life and stuff happens so why wouldn't he be) and played it cool, be understanding and just left it to that poster to let him know when she would be free again, he would have got a date in the end.

Neither gender likes a potentially clingy/controlling love interest.

ArchXStanton

Wibbs wrote: »

+1000. Can't abide this imported "dating culture" myself either. I've gone on a few organised "dates" and with the exception of one they were boring as hell or downright irritating TBH, including the ones with the twenty questions from some Cosmo checklist, a few minutes after "hello" and not to be too unkind, they weren't exactly in the position to be asking too many questions with such apparent vigour. The exception was we both early on saw the daftness and the lack of any spark in that direction and just had a bit of craic.

I was at a social event recently and was put sitting beside this one as a matchmaking thing by a friend who's event it was, I think we both knew it, but immediately she started in with the questions what do you work at? Do you have children etc. At some point I went out for a smoke and my mate who was sitting across from us came out and she says fcuk me you're getting some interrogation off yer woman, what's that about?

I said I know right, I'm here going over my answers.. It felt more like machine gun fire, completely off putting and not natural at all, like she was trying to work out were to put me in the pecking order, men can sense that sh*t a mile a way.

lainey_d_123

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

It's not about entitlement, its about having respect for the other person. Standing people up was always considered a ****ty thing to do but now we because we have this internet dating culture suddenly it's ok?


Ok fine, but don't complain when the guy you really likes ghosts you.

Cancelling a date isn't standing someone up. It's not ghosting, either.

It's not ideal but there are plenty of reasons someone might need to cancel a plan, whether romantic or otherwise. It's happened to me several times that a man I'd arranged to meet has cancelled on me on the same day. Bit annoying, yes, but I suppose I'm not an overly entitled weirdo who thinks I'm so incredibly important that I should be prioritised over everything else going on in someone's life or that I'm owed an explanation.

Church on Tuesday

ArchXStanton wrote: »

I was at a social event recently and was put sitting beside this one as a matchmaking thing by a friend who's event it was, I think we both knew it, but immediately she started in with the questions what do you work at? Do you have children etc. At some point I went out for a smoke and my mate who was sitting across from us came out and she says fcuk me you're getting some interrogation off yer woman, what's that about?

I said I know right, I'm here going over my answers.. It felt more like machine gun fire, completely off putting and not natural at all, like she was trying to work out were to put me in the pecking order, men can sense that sh*t a mile a way.

That kind of craic never works. It's too contrived.

ArchXStanton

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

That kind of craic never works. It's too contrived.

Yeah, the gestapo questioning didn't help either, makes people very guarded... Obviously I didn't cut the mustard

lainey_d_123

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

Is 'entitlement' your favourite word?

If a man posted here about standing a woman up, he'd be pilloried.

That's what you are though.

and for the last time, cancelling a plan is NOT standing someone up.

and for the last time, I've had men cancel on me and I'm sure most women have.

But don't let the facts stand in the way of your 'poor me' little rant.

Wibbs

ArchXStanton wrote: »

I was at a social event recently and was put sitting beside this one as a matchmaking thing by a friend who's event it was, I think we both knew it, but immediately she started in with the questions what do you work at? Do you have children etc. At some point I went out for a smoke and my mate who was sitting across from us came out and she says fcuk me you're getting some interrogation off yer woman, what's that about?

I said I know right, I'm here going over my answers.. It felt more like machine gun fire, completely off putting and not natural at all, like she was trying to work out were to put me in the pecking order, men can sense that sh*t a mile a way.

Depends how horny/lonely/daft they are too Ax.

But yeah a tad offputting. I've inserted a couple of fleas in the ear over such nonsense. One was so bloody rude on top of that. After the checklist and third degree with a worry of waterboarding she then went on about attractive she was as a woman and how her other "dates" were enchanted by her, because I was apparently not being enchanted enough by her guff. I had had enough and suggested that she may have clicked into a focus(yep ) group for Specsavers by mistake. She didn't get it which added to the pile of guff. Oh and those attached at the wrist to their phones. G'way to feck with you. To be fair I've personally only encountered about four such women in my life*, the vast majority aren't like that, though I don't do "dating" or interwebs matchmaking stuff so my take might well be skewed on this, or things have changed? Though I really doubt it, most women aren't muppets.





*oh and contrary to some popular belief it wasn't particularly age related. yes, I found women in their 30's tended to be more questioning, but in a nice way and understandable too, if as some had said they wanted a family. No need to waste a few years of their lives on a nope to kids wastrel like me.

BorneTobyWilde

I hate 20 questions CV daters. Like **** off

Ubbquittious

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

I reckon they would prefer that to yet another dick pic.

Dick pics are gone the way of the bows and arrows, any fella still sending them will come across as archaic. The modern fella asks for her Eircode and has a 3D print of his dick dispatched to her with uber eats

Wibbs

A mate of mine on this merry go round a few years back before she got loved up(outa the blue and spontaneously, real "meet cute", as the Yanks say) told me she had the same interrogation checklist sh1te from a couple of men she went out on dates with. I mean crap like how many kids do you want and how soon, her career prospects and how that might change with kids. Yep. And one guy asked her for a tally of her sexual partners as his "morals" didn't want to marry a "woman that got around". Yeah. Jaysus like. On top, all they could talk about was how much better their cubicle/office was and how they were pushing paradigms and the like. To me they sounded like Donald Trump attempting to pick up a woman without the millionaire thing.

lainey_d_123

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

I hate 20 questions CV daters. Like **** off

Who do they think they are, like? You'd have to be fierce narcissistic to interrogate people like that to weigh up whether they're worthy of your time.

I remember a man trying to do it to me on a dating app. Asked some ridiculous question like 'so who ARE you?', like he was expecting me to write a novel baring my soul to a rando on a dating app who also hadn't told me anything about himself. Obviously the normal thing of having a two-way conversation to establish compatibility was a waste of his precious time.

Quantum Erasure

Wibbs wrote: »

On top, all they could talk about was how much better their cubicle/office was and how they were pushing paradigms and the like. To me they sounded like Donald Trump attempting to pick up a woman without the millionaire thing.

this is what I imagine the poster a few pages back was getting at when they said 'Skilling at someone', but tbh I'm still none the wiser...

lainey_d_123

Wibbs wrote: »

A mate of mine on this merry go round a few years back before she got loved up(outa the blue and spontaneously, real "meet cute", as the Yanks say) told me she had the same interrogation checklist sh1te from a couple of men she went out on dates with. I mean crap like how many kids do you want and how soon, her career prospects and how that might change with kids. Yep. And one guy asked her for a tally of her sexual partners as his "morals" didn't want to marry a "woman that got around". Yeah. Jaysus like. On top, all they could talk about was how much better their cubicle/office was and how they were pushing paradigms and the like. To me they sounded like Donald Trump attempting to pick up a woman without the millionaire thing.

I've had this too. It's absolutely cringeworthy.

Had a guy on a first date telling me what a catch he was, how he was so much more of a catch than he had been a few years earlier. I directly said to him 'that's for me to decide'. So many people are lacking in social skills.

Wayne Jarvis

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I remember a man trying to do it to me on a dating app. Asked some ridiculous question like 'so who ARE you?' like he was expecting me to write a novel baring my soul to a rando on a dating app who also hadn't told me anything about himself.

To be fair Lainey you're not expected to write the novel then and there, you're supposed to email him a pdf of it before the date so he can decide if he will grace you with his presence.
Honestly, you should know this stuff already....

bitofabind

Yeah i remember meeting a fair few guys in "buy" mode when I was online. What's your job, where do you live, do you rent or have your own place, what are you looking for in a man, where do you see yourself in 5 years. Like, sit there and impress me and I'll size you up. More red flags than a soviet parade in that one. And about as much craic as mass.

that's probably what ultimately switched me off to them in the end, the sheer effort of setting aside time in your week to play russian roulette with some lad you've had a bit of rapport with online, travel halfway across the city to be interrogated / evaluated by some fella that you're probably not attracted to and then have to make your excuses. Or giving a chance to some lad who's a lot more damaged / emotionally unavailable than he initially is letting on, letting the aul guard down and then poof, never to be seen again. (To be fair I had a thing for divorced guys for a while, never again!)

it began to feel like a second job, and i stopped feeling good about myself ultimately. Might be a bit of a heart-on-my-sleeve type, but I'm too long in the tooth to be changing at this rate. i found deleting the apps suddenly forced me out of myself and suddenly you're noticing lads around you, engaging a bit more, flirting more, sometimes getting asked out. not that it's a perfect solution as I'm still single, not interested in dating at the minute, but i guess for me as far as finding a life partner goes, the face-swiping and serial dating and Pass-the-test style interrogations are just not really in line with my values or how i tend to be drawn to a person.