The work fap

Tikki Wang Wang

Sure what else would you be doing on a quiet Friday? I wonder how many people partake?

Panthro

Work in an open plan office.
So right now theres 6 people going at it.

Feisar

Know a lad who did regularly.

punisher5112

Efn no way go back to bed op..... That's what I'd be doing.....

Pintman Paddy Losty

Wouldn't be at it regularly but I do it the odd time.

I own a building supplies store so most people who come in to my shop are fat electricians or carpenters scratching their holes with a pencil.

The odd time tho some lad will send his wife off to the shop to pick up a few bits and pieces for him. Most of them are absolute munters to be fair.

The very odd time tho. You'll get a tasty milf in to pick up a box of nails or an angle grinder disc. Jaysus it gets me all hot and bothered. I'd be over straight away to offer assistance. Tell the young peckerheads I have working for me to get back to stacking shelves, I'll look after the lady.

One whiff of the perfume and I'm done for. Once she's gone it's straight back to the little toilet we have in the store room and I start yanking at myself like I'm trying to start a lawnmower on a cold October morning. Then splurge all over the wall. Wipe it off with a tissue and then back to work. Sometimes have a nap in my office after.

Desperate stuff.

Yer Da sells Avon

A lot of places have actually banned it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKH9ECC_Qa4

branie2

I don't take the risk

JohnnyFlash

I presume this sort of practice is rife in IT firms. A load of overweight neckbeards with combats and wallet chains shuffling into the jacks to knock one out to Japanese manga porn. Then back to their desk, crack up a can of coke, and spend the rest of the morning being a know-it-all on forums and message boards.

RiseToMe

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I presume this sort of practice is rife in IT firms. A load of overweight neckbeards with combats and wallet chains shuffling into the jacks to knock one out to Japanese manga porn. Then back to their desk, crack up a can of coke, and spend the rest of the morning being a know-it-all on forums and message boards.

How's your coke this morning Johnny?

Woke Hogan

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I presume this sort of practice is rife in IT firms. A load of overweight neckbeards with combats and wallet chains shuffling into the jacks to knock one out to Japanese manga porn. Then back to their desk, crack up a can of coke, and spend the rest of the morning being a know-it-all on forums and message boards.

Atheists.

EmmetSpiceland

Anyone engaging in this “act” at any time before lunch is in for a long afternoon.

Wouldn’t really have the time for it these days, but would certainly have back in the day. You’d spend the morning running through “scenarios” that get the blood following. This would have been “pre 3G” so all mental exercise, day dreaming and the like.

I, personally, think the ones based on ones own imagination, the “imagiwank”, if you will, are far healthier than the hyper “aggressive” ones that the angry young men of today engage in. Strangling the knob, while looking at extremely degrading and hardcore pornography, so that it looks like it’s got grip marks and finger shaped bruises that a “forensic detective” would recognise instantly.

It really does worry me, since the advent of the “smart phone” that lads would be making three to four “trips” for relief a day. Thankfully, on my team, the lads don’t seem to be absent from their desks for any unusual amounts of time and there are more girls so productivity isn’t affected.

But you do hear complaints from other managers. There are a group of IT lads, and a couple of admin grunts, who always seem to be in and out of the toilets. Now, a couple of them are very overweight so that could explain the red face and breathlessness, but I’m not sure if it would cover the sweating.

It’s a gross thought, I mean, I’m all for a little “stress relief” but there’s certainly a line where it becomes an over indulgence.

Deebles McBeebles

I don't usually bother, unless its one of those urgent, balls-are-fizzing situations.

JohnnyFlash

Would you not be fairly ‘spent’ after shooting out a load of the ‘milk of your loins’ in the jacks? Can’t imagine it does much for workplace productivity.

sbsquarepants

The work ride is where it's at

Unless you're a hooker / rent boy, then it's just unpaid work i suppose:D

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

I have a little section at the front of my bag where I keep my wet wipes. Very good for wiping down toilet seats, walls, partitions, door handles etc. Probably three times a week. Sometimes I'll pull in on the way to work and pull off in plastic sleeve too. I find if I do that though, that I'll definitely be going in for another one in the work jax at 11.00. Very high libido me.

JohnnyFlash

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I have a little section at the front of my bag where I keep my wet wipes. Very good for wiping down toilet seats, walls, partitions, door handles etc. Probably three times a week. Sometimes I'll pull in on the way to work and pull off in plastic sleeve too. I find if I do that though, that I'll definitely be going in for another one in the work jax at 11.00. Very high libido me.

Do you take a file down from the wankbank imagination library, or are you the sort visiting those disgusting tube sites to watch misogynistic gonzo porn?

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Very much into dirty babysitter videos Johnny. I'd have the same one or two on loop the last few years. I know every inch of their nubile bodies by now. But as they say, familiarity breeds resent.

Deebles McBeebles

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

Very much into dirty babysitter videos Johnny. I'd have the same one or two on loop the last few years. I know every inch of their nubile bodies by now. But as they say, familiarity breeds resent.

Those things are so true to life. I can't tell you how many times I've walked in on masturbating babysitters.

Problem Of Motivation

I could never do it outside of a bedroom.

Reminds me of that Michael Fassbender scene in 'Shame'

EmmetSpiceland

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would you not be fairly ‘spent’ after shooting out a load of the ‘milk of your loins’ in the jacks? Can’t imagine it does much for workplace productivity.

Think it’s an “office” thing, J. Not sure if you work in one, or not, but most will have different collections of the basic admin group, accounts, IT, consultants, payroll, investments, actuarial etc. Most of these roles involve an awful lot of sitting around “looking busy”. It’s always going to lead to lads skiving off to “tug one out”.

You actually hear them in the toilet sometimes. It’s vile. The stifled breathing, the shirt ruffling and that “tic-tic-tic-tic-tic” that comes with a vigorous flagellating. These monsters won’t use the separate special needs toilet. Very poor form.

I’ve worked jobs in shops, building sites, pubs, cinemas and golf clubs but you just don’t get the same level of “self love” than you do in the office environment.

Stems from boredom and pretending to be “busy” all day.

Vinculus

I'm constantly at it, but It's part of my job.
I'm a professional sperm doner.

punisher5112

Blow up Betty and away I go.....

What would you need a wife for..... Oh yeah of course spend all me money from whacking off.

JohnnyFlash

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I presume this sort of practice is rife in IT firms. A load of overweight neckbeards with combats and wallet chains shuffling into the jacks to knock one out to Japanese manga porn. Then back to their desk, crack up a can of coke, and spend the rest of the morning being a know-it-all on forums and message boards.

There's a few in my office that fit that description. I didn't need to picture them having a **** too. No wonder there is a constant pong coming from their desk.

barneystinson

Vinculus wrote: »

I'm constantly at it, but It's part of my job.
I'm a professional sperm doner.

There should never be sperm on a kebab.

Blitzkrieger

I've seen way too many **** shows in those cubicles for the thought of wrestling the purple headed yoghurt slinger to even enter my mind. Good 4g reception for browsing in there though.

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I presume this sort of practice is rife in IT firms. A load of overweight neckbeards with combats and wallet chains shuffling into the jacks to knock one out to Japanese manga porn. Then back to their desk, crack up a can of coke, and spend the rest of the morning being a know-it-all on forums and message boards.

You have a very weird view of people who work in IT.

corner of hells

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Would you not be fairly ‘spent’ after shooting out a load of the ‘milk of your loins’ in the jacks? Can’t imagine it does much for workplace productivity.

Workplace productivity is hardly priority with some of the posters round these parts, Jonathon.

Deebles McBeebles

barneystinson wrote: »

There should never be sperm on a kebab.

If you order a sperm doner, its your own fault. More of a chicken tikka man myself though.

blinding

There’s a lot of **** about !

Lil Sally Anne Jnr.

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

You have a very weird view of people who work in IT.

Nah, seen it myself. Lads that wear hoodies with the hoods pulled over their bearded fat bespectacled faces even on a summer's day. Compulsive onanists. I never, ever shake a man's hand that works in tech. You WILL come away with cock grease and a rustic odour of smegma.

CrankyHaus

If it's not at your desk in your own office with the door shut what's the point?

Most work jacks are minging anyway.

Porklife

Problem Of Motivation wrote: »

I could never do it outside of a bedroom.

Reminds me of that Michael Fassbender scene in 'Shame'

I love that scene :pac:

King of Kings

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

You have a very weird view of people who work in IT.

I work in IT and he isnt too far off the mark

JohnnyFlash

Lewis_Benson wrote: »

You have a very weird view of people who work in IT.

I don't think I do, pal. Stereotypes don't grow on trees, and the stereotypes of those who work in the trenches of IT are as follows:

Overweight
Neckbeard and/or long hair. Extra points if the beard has beads in it.
Combat trousers and skateboard runners. Wallet chain and hoodies.
Faint to strong smell of BO
A disdain for exercise.
Overestimate their own intelligence, and believe a narrow window of expertise in Linux or Networking makes them a worldwide authority on everything else.
Mad into New Atheism, computer gaming, man-child comic book movies, questionable Japanese cartoons.
Diet is extremely unhealthy and frozen pizza is a staple of the diet.
Love of obscure and overpowering craft beers.
Public transport user.
Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame.
Not very successful with the women, and do that creepy 'male feminist' thing.
Message board moderators.

Wibbs

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame.

:pac::pac::pac::pac::D

RWCNT

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don't think I do, pal. Stereotypes don't grow on trees, and the stereotypes of those who work in the trenches of IT are as follows:

Overweight
Neckbeard and/or long hair. Extra points if the beard has beads in it.
Combat trousers and skateboard runners. Wallet chain and hoodies.
Faint to strong smell of BO
A disdain for exercise.
Overestimate their own intelligence, and believe a narrow window of expertise in Linux or Networking makes them a worldwide authority on everything else.
Mad into New Atheism, computer gaming, man-child comic book movies, questionable Japanese cartoons.
Diet is extremely unhealthy and frozen pizza is a staple of the diet.
Love of obscure and overpowering craft beers.
Public transport user.
Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame.
Not very successful with the women, and do that creepy 'male feminist' thing.
Message board moderators.

Paging Aongus Von Bismark

Lewis_Benson

JohnnyFlash;111184315"]I don't think I do, pal. Stereotypes don't grow on trees, and the stereotypes of those who work in the trenches of IT are as follows:

Well, I work in IT


Overweight - Nope

Neckbeard and/or long hair. Extra points if the beard has beads in it - Nope

Combat trousers and skateboard runners. Wallet chain and hoodies - occasional combats when playing gigs or going to gigs, otherwise nope.

Faint to strong smell of BO - Nope

A disdain for exercise - Nope

Overestimate their own intelligence, and believe a narrow window of expertise in Linux or Networking makes them a worldwide authority on everything else - Definitely not, most are always hungry to learn to be honest and will always look up to the more knowledgeable folk.

Mad into New Atheism, computer gaming, man-child comic book movies, questionable Japanese cartoons - occasionally gaming, everything else, Nope

Diet is extremely unhealthy and frozen pizza is a staple of the diet - Nope

Love of obscure and overpowering craft beers - I like craft beers, sure what of it, I also like Guinness

Public transport user - Nope

Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame -Nope

Not very successful with the women, and do that creepy 'male feminist' thing - Nope, married happily, definitely not a Male feminist lol

Message board moderators- nope.

Lewis_Benson

Anyway, not to drag this off topic, no work faps for me.

D3V!L

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don't think I do, pal. Stereotypes don't grow on trees, and the stereotypes of those who work in the trenches of IT are as follows:

Overweight
Neckbeard and/or long hair. Extra points if the beard has beads in it.
Combat trousers and skateboard runners. Wallet chain and hoodies.
Faint to strong smell of BO
A disdain for exercise.
Overestimate their own intelligence, and believe a narrow window of expertise in Linux or Networking makes them a worldwide authority on everything else.
Mad into New Atheism, computer gaming, man-child comic book movies, questionable Japanese cartoons.
Diet is extremely unhealthy and frozen pizza is a staple of the diet.
Love of obscure and overpowering craft beers.
Public transport user.
Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame.
Not very successful with the women, and do that creepy 'male feminist' thing.
Message board moderators.

Sounds more like a Unix admin to me , "IT" is such a broad term. I'm in "IT support" for 20 years and not one of those points apply to me.

Pintman Paddy Losty

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don't think I do, pal. Stereotypes don't grow on trees, and the stereotypes of those who work in the trenches of IT are as follows:

Overweight
Neckbeard and/or long hair. Extra points if the beard has beads in it.
Combat trousers and skateboard runners. Wallet chain and hoodies.
Faint to strong smell of BO
A disdain for exercise.
Overestimate their own intelligence, and believe a narrow window of expertise in Linux or Networking makes them a worldwide authority on everything else.
Mad into New Atheism, computer gaming, man-child comic book movies, questionable Japanese cartoons.
Diet is extremely unhealthy and frozen pizza is a staple of the diet.
Love of obscure and overpowering craft beers.
Public transport user.
Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame.
Not very successful with the women, and do that creepy 'male feminist' thing.
Message board moderators.

A very vivid picture you paint there Johnny...quite accurate I have to say.

Didn't you say your son was showing those type of tenancies before? What age is he now? Did he go down the neckbeard road or have you sorted him out yet?

Reviews and Books Galore

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Wouldn't be at it regularly but I do it the odd time.

I own a building supplies store so most people who come in to my shop are fat electricians or carpenters scratching their holes with a pencil.

The odd time tho some lad will send his wife off to the shop to pick up a few bits and pieces for him. Most of them are absolute munters to be fair.

The very odd time tho. You'll get a tasty milf in to pick up a box of nails or an angle grinder disc. Jaysus it gets me all hot and bothered. I'd be over straight away to offer assistance. Tell the young peckerheads I have working for me to get back to stacking shelves, I'll look after the lady.

One whiff of the perfume and I'm done for. Once she's gone it's straight back to the little toilet we have in the store room and I start yanking at myself like I'm trying to start a lawnmower on a cold October morning. Then splurge all over the wall. Wipe it off with a tissue and then back to work. Sometimes have a nap in my office after.

Desperate stuff.

I'm wondering did you give her a discount? :P

Reviews and Books Galore

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyone engaging in this “act” at any time before lunch is in for a long afternoon.

Wouldn’t really have the time for it these days, but would certainly have back in the day. You’d spend the morning running through “scenarios” that get the blood following. This would have been “pre 3G” so all mental exercise, day dreaming and the like.

I, personally, think the ones based on ones own imagination, the “imagiwank”, if you will, are far healthier than the hyper “aggressive” ones that the angry young men of today engage in. Strangling the knob, while looking at extremely degrading and hardcore pornography, so that it looks like it’s got grip marks and finger shaped bruises that a “forensic detective” would recognise instantly.

It really does worry me, since the advent of the “smart phone” that lads would be making three to four “trips” for relief a day. Thankfully, on my team, the lads don’t seem to be absent from their desks for any unusual amounts of time and there are more girls so productivity isn’t affected.

But you do hear complaints from other managers. There are a group of IT lads, and a couple of admin grunts, who always seem to be in and out of the toilets. Now, a couple of them are very overweight so that could explain the red face and breathlessness, but I’m not sure if it would cover the sweating.

It’s a gross thought, I mean, I’m all for a little “stress relief” but there’s certainly a line where it becomes an over indulgence.

You should read erotica before the internet. Search bodice ripper.



To be perfectly blunt, I'd be shocked if any man who isn't a teenager would masturbate more than three times per day as a man's hand is tighter than a vagina.

Moomoomacshoe

Lil Sally Anne Jnr. wrote: »

I have a little section at the front of my bag where I keep my wet wipes. Very good for wiping down toilet seats, walls, partitions, door handles etc. Probably three times a week. Sometimes I'll pull in on the way to work and pull off in plastic sleeve too. I find if I do that though, that I'll definitely be going in for another one in the work jax at 11.00. Very high libido me.

And how exactly do you travel to work?

rgmmg

Have worked in quite a few places over the years and have not been aware that it's been happening - at least by anyone on a regular basis.

I should know, particularly in recent times, as I spend c. 15 mins in the toilets in one sitting these days while on the ecig. Perhaps that's what they are up to?

Franz Von Peppercorn II

Some of the posters on this thread never seem to leave a cubicle - they are either sh1ting or ****.

Strange crowd of weirdos.

Tikki Wang Wang

Franz Von Peppercorn II wrote: »

Some of the posters on this thread never seem to leave a cubicle - they are either sh1ting or ****.

Strange crowd of weirdos.

Sounds like paradise!

Boom_Bap

Franz Von Peppercorn II wrote: »

Some of the posters on this thread never seem to leave a cubicle - they are either sh1ting or ****.

Strange crowd of weirdos.

Sounds like one messy cubicle

Corvo

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I don't think I do, pal. Stereotypes don't grow on trees, and the stereotypes of those who work in the trenches of IT are as follows:

Overweight
Neckbeard and/or long hair. Extra points if the beard has beads in it.
Combat trousers and skateboard runners. Wallet chain and hoodies.
Faint to strong smell of BO
A disdain for exercise.
Overestimate their own intelligence, and believe a narrow window of expertise in Linux or Networking makes them a worldwide authority on everything else.
Mad into New Atheism, computer gaming, man-child comic book movies, questionable Japanese cartoons.
Diet is extremely unhealthy and frozen pizza is a staple of the diet.
Love of obscure and overpowering craft beers.
Public transport user.
Overcompensates for obvious inadequacies by having a vaping 'rig' the size of a shoebox, and emits clouds of smoke that put Moneypoint to shame.
Not very successful with the women, and do that creepy 'male feminist' thing.
Message board moderators.

And always seem to pick the female characters in those Japanese fighting games that has massive breasts bouncing.

Tikki Wang Wang

Corvo wrote: »

And always seem to pick the female characters in those Japanese fighting games that has massive breasts bouncing.

Massive bub-bubs

Kenjataimu

Franz Von Peppercorn II wrote: »

Some of the posters on this thread never seem to leave a cubicle - they are either sh1ting or ****.

Strange crowd of weirdos.

My boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I poop on company time!

Reviews and Books Galore

Corvo wrote: »

And always seem to pick the female characters in those Japanese fighting games that has massive breasts bouncing.

I remember those