Married but confused

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm married 5 years, in my mid 30s and have a ridiculous crush on a girl at work.
Marriage is absolutely fine, no money problems and I'm happy. However, I can't stop thinking about this girl in work despite never having had a conversation with her.

I fist noticed her a couple of years ago, and lately I can't get her out of my thoughts probably because I've seen her a bit more.
We make eye contact quite a bit and have noticed her looking my way when our paths do cross. Hopefully it's all in my head but part of me is almost compelled to talk to her because I've never felt this way about anyone on just looks alone and wonder if I'd always wonder if didn't.

I should also say that I will probably be working with her very soon which I know is dangerous and I'm more worried that we actually will get along.

zapper55

Fine sounds like a boring description for a guy in his thirties only married a few years. I'd put some.spark into that rather than fixate on a colleague.

Your post is hinting that an affair is inevitable. Nope. It's all down to your behaviour. Would you be happy to hear that your wife had the same feelings for a colleague?

You are in danger of becoming a cliche. I'd do everything in my power to avoid working with that girl before you cross a line that.messes up your life.

eviltwin

I'd stop projecting. Just because she looks at you doesn't mean she's harbouring romantic thoughts about you. You work together, your paths will cross and its normal to look at your colleagues. I bet you have similar interactions with other staff but don't put any significance on it because you don't fancy them.

You have a crush, it happens. Don't make a fool of yourself and possibly damage your career and marriage by trying it on.

Zappers advice is great. Go work on your marriage. Having a crush is fine but don't make it bigger than it is

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses, all good advice and I really hope it is just me being am idiot and she has no interest in me whatsoever. Not working with her won't be an option. Obviously I'm professional and would never do anything inappropriate in work.
I guess I'm worried that my feelings won't go away despite me telling myself over and over that it's utter stupidity to do anything to jeopardize my marriage.
Hypothetically if I did get on well with her and had a completely platonic relationship, is it still the right thing to just pretend you don't have any feelings for the other person?

ILoveYourVibes

There is a film called damage that pretty much sums up feelings like this.

You see someone and there is fireworks and thunder etc but your married.


Those kind of feelings make people crazy the deeper they go into them. I've seen it.

Is this a part of your personalty op? Are you a passionate person? Or would you say you are always in control of your emotions?

Sometimes its worse if the person is used to not being emotional they don't know how to deal with really strong ones or urges etc.


I would say see a therapist to guide you through and to have someone to talk to.

Idle Passerby

Your marriage may be "fine" but your eye wouldn't be wandering if you weren't a little bored or in a bit of a rut. Forget the girl at work, she's only a symptom that your in danger of straying if you don't refocus your energy back to your marriage. It doesn't sound like your unhappy with your wife, you just need to bring the excitement back rather than looking for it elsewhere.

eviltwin

Married and happy wrote: »

Hypothetically if I did get on well with her and had a completely platonic relationship, is it still the right thing to just pretend you don't have any feelings for the other person?

What other option do you have? Tell her you fancy her? That would be foolish and unfair to her. She's there to do a job, getting along with you, being friendly to you is part of being professional. It would be selfish to burden her with your feelings, this is your stuff to sort out, leave her out of it.

fleet

Open or monogamous marriage?

antix80

I cringe at some of my past work crushes because, looking back, they were pretty plain apart from wearing smart clothes. But nice to daydream in a boring job.

The bad stuff happens if your crush reciprocates your feelings or advances. That's a different discussion. I've seen a few marriages fall apart by some idiot having a fling with his workmate - who's usually a homewrecker who chases married men.

LillySV

Feelings for her!!? You haven’t even talked to her!!

I’m sure your wife sees and possibly works with guys she would love to ride ... should she just take it as a sign she needs to act and do it too!?

Getting married doesn’t mean you don’t fancy people anymore... it means you committed to not act on your sexual impulses ...and you sound ready to do that with a person you haven’t even talked to!

antix80

fleet wrote: »

Open or monogamous marriage?

I think it's safe to assume op isn't in an open marriage if he didn't say anything about it

antix80

LillySV wrote: »

Feelings for her!!? You haven’t even talked to her!! You sound like a stalker to be honest.

That's not honest though. You're just trying to shame the op

ILoveYourVibes

OP why do you think she is interested in being your side chick?

Maybe you are looking too far into this. I mean why would she be interested in a married man?

If she is that attractive she can have many guys.

You have a life partner now. You are not single and free anymore.

Its sounds ...more like wishful thinking ..I mean

We make eye contact quite a bit and have noticed her looking my way when our paths do cross

You have eye contact and she looks at you. That's it. You have not even had a single conversation with her.

I mean if she liked you wouldn't she have spoken to you or struck up a conversation?

I mean honestly how would that go???

How would you ask her out?? I am married but like ..do you fancy me?

Do you want to go out and not talk about my wife? How does that go in reality?

It sounds like this is a nice fantasy and maybe even a flirty thing. But just leave it like that maybe?

LillySV

antix80 wrote: »

That's not honest though. You're just trying to shame the op

I’m not, I’m just tryin to get him to see sense... I’ll get rid of the S word cause it’s abit strong I suppose

rainbowtrout

Married and happy wrote: »

Thanks for the responses, all good advice and I really hope it is just me being am idiot and she has no interest in me whatsoever. Not working with her won't be an option. Obviously I'm professional and would never do anything inappropriate in work.
I guess I'm worried that my feelings won't go away despite me telling myself over and over that it's utter stupidity to do anything to jeopardize my marriage.
Hypothetically if I did get on well with her and had a completely platonic relationship, is it still the right thing to just pretend you don't have any feelings for the other person?

It's not relevant whether she is interested in you or not. You are the one that is married here. If you are going to be loyal and faithful to your wife you won't be acting on it anyway. For instance if she declared an interest in you, what would you do then? Because your posts seem to be hinting that you want someone on here to post that it's ok if something happens with this woman.

Asking if it's ok to have a platonic relationship with a woman you are attracted to that's not your wife and wondering if that woman might be interested in you, and you pretending that you are not interested in her is just asking for trouble.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone for your replies. It actually has helped clear my mind quite a bit. You're 100% right in saying this girl most likely has zero interest in a married man and I've just been flattering myself. For all I know she could be involved with someone else.
I obviously see attractive girls everyday but I don't get the feeling I do with this girl. And it's not to do with the fact that I see her regularly because I felt it the first time I saw her. All that aside, I know if be a duck to even attempt anything with her. Going back to another poster's question around the type of person I am and I would say I'm definitely impulsive. I tend to make decisions quickly without thinking too much about the consequences. That's partly why I've found this so difficult, I normally don't have something lingering over me for so long and it's really made me stop and think. However, I am committed to doing the right thing and being nothing but professional. I'll be friendly of course but not in an effort to pursue anything further.
That said, I don't think anyone can say nothing will ever happen, life's just not that eady. No doubt I'll be back with more questions and possible update soon.
Thank you.

Mousewar

Married and happy wrote: »

I can't get her out of my thoughts.

Sure you can. Try it.
I guess people with OCD or other such issues can't control their thoughts but for the rest of us, the idea that you don't get to choose the thoughts that go on in your head is nonsense. You're thinking about her because you like thinking about her.

Married and happy

Married and happy wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for your replies. It actually has helped clear my mind quite a bit. You're 100% right in saying this girl most likely has zero interest in a married man and I've just been flattering myself. For all I know she could be involved with someone else.
I obviously see attractive girls everyday but I don't get the feeling I do with this girl. And it's not to do with the fact that I see her regularly because I felt it the first time I saw her. All that aside, I know if be a duck to even attempt anything with her. Going back to another poster's question around the type of person I am and I would say I'm definitely impulsive. I tend to make decisions quickly without thinking too much about the consequences. That's partly why I've found this so difficult, I normally don't have something lingering over me for so long and it's really made me stop and think. However, I am committed to doing the right thing and being nothing but professional. I'll be friendly of course but not in an effort to pursue anything further.
That said, I don't think anyone can say nothing will ever happen, life's just not that eady. No doubt I'll be back with more questions and possible update soon.
Thank you.

If I was your wife and read this post I'd leave you, a whole load of self centred rubbish imo.You sound spineless as if you're unable to stop something happening with that girl, saying that you're commited to doing the right thing ,what does that even mean,is it that you'll try and not cheat on your wife of a few years ?Take some responsibility for yourself, the tone of your posts sound like your a little child who has no control over their actions and looking for others to agree with your dilemma.

I genuinely wouldn't to be with someone who felt they were doing me a favour by not chasing some girl in work or someone who felt they had to make such an effort to do the right thing or someone who feels they don't know what might happen in the future in relation to cheating.

If we all got off with everyone that we fancied or that fancied us in work it would be carnage but a mature adult sees it for what it is,enjoys it to an extent but knows that it's not going to happen and that they have full control over it,others go for it and I genuinely have never seen it to end well, very entertaining for everyone else to watch and gossip about it but who wants to be gossip fodder.

rainbowtrout

Married and happy wrote: »

Thank you to everyone for your replies. It actually has helped clear my mind quite a bit. You're 100% right in saying this girl most likely has zero interest in a married man and I've just been flattering myself. For all I know she could be involved with someone else..

Again you are saying this won’t happen because she probably doesn’t have interest in you rather than ‘I’m married so I’m not going to cheat on my wife’.

Married and happy wrote: »

All that aside, I know if be a duck to even attempt anything with her..

All of your post revolves around this girls reaction to you if you tried it on. None of it revolves around the fact that you would be cheating on your wife. As if the professionalism at work thing is the big problem that is holding you back.

Married and happy wrote: »

I tend to make decisions quickly without thinking too much about the consequences...,,,,
, I am committed to doing the right thing and being nothing but professional. I'll be friendly of course but not in an effort to pursue anything further.
That said, I don't think anyone can say nothing will ever happen, life's just not that easy.

So essentially the consequence of Pursuing the woman at work is that it might be deemed unprofessional, the consequence of cheating on your wife, her potentially finding out and you potentially destroying your marriage doesn’t even seem to feature.

That sentence on commitment should have probably read ‘I am committed to my wife.’

And it looks like you’re giving yourself permission to cheat when you say that you can’t say nothing will ever happen. It is that easy, you choose to cheat or you choose not to cheat. But you’re making it sound like if you cheat it won’t be your fault, it will be something that just happened because the woman at work liked you, and you were just a passive participant.

I feel sorry for your wife.

Panthro

You're married. Focus on your wife.

Everytime you find yourself thinking of office girl bite into something bitter like a lemon, you'll soon train yourself to stop.

Keyzer

Sagats_knee wrote: »

Most young men’s eyes and minds wander regularly. I’m in my 30’s and as male as they come. I want to either fight, feck or eat most things I encounter. However I’m also a married adult man who loves his wife dearly, so I don’t cross the line.

I was in a situation where I had a very attractive girl ten years younger than me whom I had a great rapport with make it very obvious she wanted more. I used to see her once a week for months and months as part of my routine. I could have easily went for it but instead I cut her out of my life completely. I’m happier for it and I can look my wife in the eye knowing I didn’t betray her. If I’m feeling that randy I just take it out on the missus.

Great advice, even better username....

Ann84

Advice... for your wife - leave you!

If you are so impulsive that you can’t keep it in your pants, why the hell did you drag someone else into that by committing to a monogamous relationship?

Your last post was as annoying to read as it is to try to make sense of. You fancy someone - wow
Find a way of handling it, your married - that’s the decision you made.

Either that or tell your wife and let her decide how she feels about being married to someone who is planning a budding romance with a work colleague? Or do her feelings not matter in your narcissistic fantasy?

zanador

My fella and me always talk about this stuff - work crushes help the daily mundanity and often if you met the person first in a social situation you wouldn't look twice at them.

We both get crushes but I LOVE him and the day we want to act on it is the day we have a very serious conversation.

I can say that anytime I've seen anything happen between colleagues the office gossip is so full on and you see the poor spouses at Christmas parties or whatever and it's just awful. Puts colleagues in a bad position as well.

I'd say have a clarity **** - immediately after think about whether or not you like her. It's probably just boredom and if it's not you need to talk to your wife about it, not specifically that you have a crush but identifying why you feel that you could cheat on her etc.. or talk to a good sensible friend.

Open relationships can work, I've been in some. But it was discussed from the very beginning and things like jealousy talked about a lot.

Or else I've seen them in 30/40 year marriages.

I'd say you're just a bit itchy having been married for 5 years and the reality of what marriage is sets in. Sort it out now when there's no kids or anything. There is absolutely no justification for conscious cheating.

B-D-P--

Only advice I have, Its short and sweet.

Learn to know the difference between Love and Lust.

Dont ruin one for the other.

blacklilly

Married and happy wrote: »

However, I am committed to doing the right thing and being nothing but professional. I'll be friendly of course but not in an effort to pursue anything further.
That said, I don't think anyone can say nothing will ever happen, life's just not that eady. No doubt I'll be back with more questions and possible update soon.
Thank you.

You keep reiterating that you'll be "professional" how about saying you'll be faithful?

If it were a 15 year old boy saying what you've posted, many would empathise with you and understand the feelings of lust we all felt for complete strangers when we were young. However you're a grown, adult married man. To become so lustful for someone you haven't even had a conversation with is quite frankly a little pathetic.

I would wager money on it that despite everyone's advice you will likely cheat, your wife will likely (hopefully) find out and will likely (hopefully) leave you and find someone that truly loves and respects her.

LegacyUser

I have to say it hasn't been nice reading the comments but they're all fair. Well, maybe not fair but people are entitled to their opinions. Maybe what I said did represent what Im thinking. I'm not planning to do anything and know it would be foolish to do anything. I am committed to my wife despite what you might think. The but about not knowing what will happen still holds true but I mean that in ever facet of life. No one can plan their lives perfectly, stuff happens and we deal with it so I would say it's naive to think otherwise. It doesn't in any way excuse cheting or make it right. I never said I was anything but a complete dick in this situation so telling me again doesn't really help

ElizaBennett

You say you're impulsive and make decisions quickly without thinking too much. Did you marry on impulse? Are you regretting that? Is that what this is all really about? You're not in love with your wife any more, which is very sad after only 5 years of marriage. I'd have a good hard think about that. I mean, what's the point really? Where will you be in another 5 years, let alone 25? Are you considering a family? Things might be fine and working ok right now but it's obviously not enough and you might need to have a think about what you want for the future and what your wife deserves.

eviltwin

I don't think this is the end of it OP. I'd imagine there will be another crush soon enough, probably someone else and possibly not at work. I would consider a few sessions of counselling to see what's driving this obsessive behaviour. Crushes are normal, thinking about a person you've never met all the time and imaging an affair is not.

rainbowtrout

Married and happy wrote: »

I have to say it hasn't been nice reading the comments but they're all fair. Well, maybe not fair but people are entitled to their opinions. Maybe what I said did represent what Im thinking. I'm not planning to do anything and know it would be foolish to do anything. I am committed to my wife despite what you might think. The but about not knowing what will happen still holds true but I mean that in ever facet of life. No one can plan their lives perfectly, stuff happens and we deal with it so I would say it's naive to think otherwise. It doesn't in any way excuse cheting or make it right. I never said I was anything but a complete dick in this situation so telling me again doesn't really help

I think you're just backtracking now OP. You made no reference to any other aspect of your life. Life threatening illness - no you can't predict that. House destroyed in a freak storm - probably haven't planned for that. Job loss - no you can't really plan for that either. Choosing to cheat??? That is a conscious choice. Just as your marriage was a conscious choice.

Daisy78

No offense but you having nothing to offer this woman. You are not available so why would she settle for a married man? As someone else said she probably has plenty of other options. You are only thinking of what’s in it for you rather than her.

ILoveYourVibes

Bevere60 wrote: »

You speak as if affairs are the stuff of fairytale.

Affairs are far from fairytales. That is the point. They are usually nightmares in reality.

People who are aware of this can make better life choices.

OP what could be the potential consequences of an affair?

I would think about that if i were you.