The one that got away. Sigh.

Tikki Wang Wang

bitofabind wrote: »

Do you have one? Is there someone you think about wistfully on a rainy sunday afternoon? Do you ponder their whereabouts or stalk their facebook or think about that trip you took together where it seemed like everything in the world made sense for a magical moment, before reality kicked in and pulled you apart?

i'm not sure if i have just one. i have moments that were so full of meaning and connection with guys that would transition out of my life days or weeks later. guys that i probably didn't have any real world potential with due to some very solid real-life circumstances, but that still left a part of me wondering. i'll always wonder about John from San Diego and the way he used to look at me. or that time Taylor kissed me out of nowhere outside of that bar in New York.

what i've learned in love and relationships is that it's not about those magical moments that make your head spin, it's about the gritty, boring, annoying, complicated ones in between and who is willing to stick around and stand beside you through them.

it seems to me though, as if so many people have that one person that they think about and wonder "what if...", no matter how good or how bad their lives are. Do you have one?

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

u ok hun? xxx

ChikiChiki

Technically it was me that got away. Left her in floods of tears at the airport 3.5 years into our relationship to fulfil my dream of travelling after giving her two weeks notice. ****ty thing to do but she understood. Realised that I'd made a bit of a mistake and tried to rekindle. Anyway she met someone new and my hope is that he makes her very happy.

cannotlogin

Yes and ironically he even once told me I was one who he thought got away.

The chemistry is palpable, attraction evident, we have so much in common, sense of humour is the same. I've never met anyone who I seemed to click with as much.

We've kissed, went on a few dates but he seems to just panic. No signs of a previous girlfriend's etc. I don't care in the slightest but it seems to be a big issue for him and one he can't get past.

At this stage, I've resigned myself that it's not going to happen but I still think he's amazing and no one else comes close. :-(

Dammo

As I read that I heard Jay from The Inbetweeners saying ‘tragic’.

Redneck Reject

Since the gin is kicking in I will tell you mine. Met a girl from Arkansas who was just so energetic and full of life it was infectious, For a few weeks we did everything together hiking, camping, and just getting to know each other. I realized I was falling for her but I got the news I was being deployed to Kuwait told her and she was upset and told me she couldn't wait for me wondering everyday if I was safe.

I understood that, realized it wouldn't be fair to her so I had to let her go. Years later I saw her on Facebook married with 2 kids and has a great life. Much better than I could ever offer her.so I'm happy for her. I still think of her now and then, but I would never contact her and disrupt her life, would be very selfish of me.

There was something and someone I thought was perfect, but circumstances got in the way and got too much and we parted after years trying to cope, but still with a lot of love. The walls went up and stayed up for a long time because nothing could compare, I thought. Then someone else came along and taught me that what came before wasn't perfect and that the gulf between the two was not only huge, but made of tiny things at the same time.

Sometimes you just think you know what perfect is, then perfect* comes along and shows you how wrong you were. Still friends with the ex, still care very much about him and his life, but I thank the gods for that heartbreaking break-up. We didn't keep in touch at first as it was too hard, and I think people make it hard on themselves stalking their exes social media, it makes it very hard to move on. I never did it, but there were lots of times I wanted to.

*I say perfect, but no one and nothing is perfect because relationships are formed between us flawed and faulty humans.

Harleen Quinzel

A summer romance when I was nineteen.

He was mid twenties, massively into punk music, (introduced me to some great bands).
He played the guitar and was also the biggest sweetheart I’ve ever met.

I honestly hope he has gone on to have an amazing life.

vargoo

Very american this thread? WTF?

SEPT 23 1989

Andreas77

Met her in Finland in 1997 as part of travelling drama troupe. We were to play Shakespeare's masterpiece Hamlet the next evening and I was learning last few lines for role as Lord Montague. Audience was expected in proximity of five hundred in major civic auditorium. I had been considered for leading role, namely I think for good looks, as male playing Hamlet was rather lacklustre. He also had difficulty learning his lines but despite inadequate IQ had somehow become a ladies man at fourteen. Actually we were all a little in awe of this boy as he would chain smoke camel lights and one evening he stole a bottle of ouzo which we all shared (on this occasion I dressed up as female to entertain the other teenagers).

Dj Stiggie

Met a girl when we were in our late teens, in Dublin. We went out for a couple of months but we knew we wanted different things. We got jobs in different countries at the same time so that was grand. We stayed in touch on social media and would have a chat every couple of years.

Neither of us have lived in Ireland since, but I was home last month and saw that she was too so I asked her if she wanted to go for a pint and she was delighted that I'd gotten in touch. It was a little bit awkward for the first ten minutes, it had been eight years since we saw each other, but then we just hit it off again like old times.

Both of our lives are so different from what we thought they would be back then, but we're both happy. Still though, since I've seen her she's been on my mind a lot.

Earthhorse

You loved her so much you told a story about everybody else.

A bit of a 'me me' post maybe but I wonder does anyone ever think of me as being one that got away.

Sittingpretty

Andreas77 wrote: »

Met her in Finland in 1997 as part of travelling drama troupe. We were to play Shakespeare's masterpiece Hamlet the next evening and I was learning last few lines for role as Lord Montague. Audience was expected in proximity of five hundred in major civic auditorium. I had been considered for leading role, namely I think for good looks, as male playing Hamlet was rather lacklustre. He also had difficulty learning his lines but despite inadequate IQ had somehow become a ladies man at fourteen. Actually we were all a little in awe of this boy as he would chain smoke camel lights and one evening he stole a bottle of ouzo which we all shared (on this occasion I dressed up as female to entertain the other teenagers).

How did Lord Montague feel about travelling all the way from Verona to Denmark though?

If things don't work out with my girlfriend I've pity for the ones of the future as the current squeeze is PERFECT.

Earthhorse

Deleted User wrote: »

A bit of a 'me me' post maybe but I wonder does anyone ever think of me as being one that got away.

It’s pronounced "meme".

anewme

Deleted User wrote: »

A bit of a 'me me' post maybe but I wonder does anyone ever think of me as being one that got away.

I was in Avoca recently buying stuff and I felt someone looking at me across the floor.

It was my first and maybe only love. I was 19 and he was 36 when we were together. Hes now well past sixty and looked old. I hadn't seen him in almost 30 years. He still spotted me across the floor though. I was gutted when he left me.

I'd often wondered if we would have stayed together or if he'd felt the same about me. Seeing him closed a chapter, he had clearly felt the same.

Tamara tamara

Never had a one that got away story. But I was the one for someone.
Heard he took to the drink when I left him and he hasn't stopped celebrating since.

anewme

By the way didn't I break your heart?
Please excuse me, I never meant to break your heart
So sorry, I never meant to break your heart
But you broke mine

Earthhorse

anewme wrote: »

I was in Avoca recently buying stuff and I felt someone looking at me across the floor.

It was my first and maybe only love. I was 19 and he was 36 when we were together. Hes now well past sixty and looked old. I hadn't seen him in almost 30 years. He still spotted me across the floor though. I was gutted when he left me.

I'd often wondered if we would have stayed together or if he'd felt the same about me. Seeing him closed a chapter, he had clearly felt the same.

That sounds awful age gappy, especially at that age.

Tell me how

Had a conversation with then girlfriend about the whole 'long term plans' thing. We were very much on the same page but things didn't work out for various reasons and unrelated reasons to such plans.
She found someone to fulfil her plans with, I didn't. Do often think about how different things would have been if we had stayed together.
Saw her with two of her children in shopping centre one day and she looked like a loving capable mother.
So, I suppose I don't think about the 'one' who got away as such but do think about the life that escaped me. Or has so far anyway, I know there's time, things can change, yada, yada, yada....

candycock

I was 24 n she was 30 but much more mature and experienced in life, she left for a job in oz nursing but I never wanted to follow her, she's 4 kids and married now living in Melbourne, I still wonder how life would be now if I had committed to her, I've heard I broke her heart, I think I broke my own to, selfish choices and addiction pushed me on a different path,coulda woulda shoulda.

Airyfairy12

I dont have a 'one that got away' I think about my first love occasionally and sometimes get nostalgic about him but when that happens, im only looking back with rose tinted glasses, I miss the security of our relationship, the closeness we once had, neither of us cheated so that wasnt a concern with us but there was allot wrong with our relationship too and after we broke up it became clear that we were both two very different people that never would have worked out no matter what feelings or connection we had, he treated me terribly too. The only thing that gets to me is, when we broke up, I told myself that I would find somebody else and I was sure that I would but never did, I never felt about anyone like I did about him. I dont mind being single but if id had known then that infact I would never find somebody else, I think I would have been devastated.

We broke up for good reason and im glad we did.

Telly

I don’t have the one that got away but it would 100% be my current partner if we ever split up. He’s just such an awesome man.

leggo

I think a lot of these feelings are based around it being tough for people to accept when someone isn’t that into them. If you’re mad about someone and they’re mad about you, 99% of the time you’ll just be together. And 99% of the time when you’re not with them it’s because they like you a reasonable amount but aren’t THAT arsed when push comes to shove, when it becomes difficult or when other options become available.

A lot of people put a lot of what others think about them into their self-esteem, so they find this hard to reconcile and concoct this drama in their heads about how they were deeply and mutually in love with each other but pesky circumstances got in the way. And it can be comforting to tell yourself that. But the reality is that life is more straightforward than that. You like someone and they like you, you click, because you both care about it you prioritise it and put the work required in to make it work and that’s that. People tend to not ‘get away’ from other people that they value enough. It’s a fairytale we tell ourselves. And while it can be nice to do so, it’s not actually helpful either as it’s worth looking out for and valuing people who DO want you rather than lamenting those who don’t.

(Expecting to be hit with replies from people arguing that their situation is the exception so just a heads up: I’m not gonna go back-and-forth trying to convince people an ex wasn’t that into them. If you want to believe what you want and call me full of crap, that’s your right).

bitofabind

Stop talking sense Leggo!

The brain needs a story to make sense of most things, especially when it comes to the head**** that is love, pain and rejection.

That said, life is sometimes complicated. I’d say I am the “one that got away” for my long term ex. He said as much in the days of our breakup and gets in touch every so often despite it being 2 years later. We loved each other deeply but in the end couldn’t be together for a host of boring, real life compatibility factors. We were making each other miserable despite the loyalty and commitment but were 2 very different people when it came down to it.

Relationships are so hard, love is so rare, and two individual humans trying to come together to share their lives is a miraculous thing when you think about it. It’s not always going to work or be feasible, but it doesn’t mean love wasn’t there in the first place.

bitofabind

bitofabind wrote: »

Stop talking sense Leggo!

The brain needs a story to make sense of most things, especially when it comes to the head**** that is love, pain and rejection.

That said, life is sometimes complicated. I’d say I am the “one that got away” for my long term ex. He said as much in the days of our breakup and gets in touch every so often despite it being 2 years later. We loved each other deeply but in the end couldn’t be together for a host of boring, real life compatibility factors. We were making each other miserable despite the loyalty and commitment but were 2 very different people when it came down to it.

Relationships are so hard, love is so rare, and two individual humans trying to come together to share their lives is a miraculous thing when you think about it. It’s not always going to work or be feasible, but it doesn’t mean love wasn’t there in the first place.

Its such a difficult thing walking away from someone we love. I don't know how to do it or what it would look like. It terrifies me.

You are right about our brain needing to construct a story which helps us at the time but really we need to be realistic too. At some point its important to acknowledge that there are no "ones that got away" and instead relationships that just didn't work out.

leggo

Oh for sure. I love a lot of people in my life but they’d drive me insane if I tried to have a full blown relationship that’d go the distance with them!

When I say ‘not that into you’, it’s relative of course. You can be crazy about someone on their best day but, say, hate them when they drink and it’s not worth pursuing as a result. Therefore you’re not that into them because the ‘that’ in question is asking a lot. But it’s not to say that you just don’t care about them either.

vargoo

leggo wrote: »

I think a lot of these feelings are based around it being tough for people to accept when someone isn’t that into them. If you’re mad about someone and they’re mad about you, 99% of the time you’ll just be together. And 99% of the time when you’re not with them it’s because they like you a reasonable amount but aren’t THAT arsed when push comes to shove, when it becomes difficult or when other options become available.

A lot of people put a lot of what others think about them into their self-esteem, so they find this hard to reconcile and concoct this drama in their heads about how they were deeply and mutually in love with each other but pesky circumstances got in the way. And it can be comforting to tell yourself that. But the reality is that life is more straightforward than that. You like someone and they like you, you click, because you both care about it you prioritise it and put the work required in to make it work and that’s that. People tend to not ‘get away’ from other people that they value enough. It’s a fairytale we tell ourselves. And while it can be nice to do so, it’s not actually helpful either as it’s worth looking out for and valuing people who DO want you rather than lamenting those who don’t.

(Expecting to be hit with replies from people arguing that their situation is the exception so just a heads up: I’m not gonna go back-and-forth trying to convince people an ex wasn’t that into them. If you want to believe what you want and call me full of crap, that’s your right).

Good post, lots of sense.

Raconteuse

There were a few. I've stopped tormenting myself though, because it's life. The right decisions at the time, etc.

Deleted User wrote: »

The past is a foreign country to me. Dwelling about what could have been is the most futile thing in the world.

This. It's unsentimental and easier said than done, but it's one of the most beneficial realisations I've come to.

(Not having a go at people reminiscing though - just don't be too hard on yourselves).